Package Deal (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

I'm surprised you'd show your face around here after what you did to me last night.
What the hell are you talking about? Right.
Sheldon.
I thought you were someone else.
Sheldon.
What are you doing here? Are you lost? Do I need a reason to drop by my favourite little tea shop? I just came in to take in all this Great stuff.
And do I hear gongs? They're Tibetan Peace Bells.
Even better! I love the tibetans.
Snappy dressers.
And you know what? Why don't you give me a hit of whatever you got brewing right in there? And, man, those bells just keep on ringing, don't they? This is from our premier line.
It's made from durian fruit.
Yummy.
Really? Look, I I've gotta tell ya, Kim, this is really quite the place.
But you know what'd make it perfect? A brand-new display case.
You know, somethin' seven feet long, four feet wide, beautiful satin interior, worm proof finish.
I'm not buying one of your big-and-tall caskets, Sheldon.
Come on! I can give you a fantastic deal.
It's a return.
A returned casket? Look, relax.
It's not what you think.
The guy was only in it, what, 10 minutes? The tags are still on it! Pass.
For cr if you come in here again, I'm gonna call the cops.
No, I'm Sheldon.
I know.
Danny's not here yet? I'll just wait outside.
What, you don't want to join us? Yeah, no, I'dI'd love to, I just thought it might be nice to stand outside in the cold.
Relax, sit down.
Ryan just found out his ex-wife has a Wikipedia page, and it's Not bothering him at all.
Would you look at this, please? That's her? Surgeon, Mountain-Climber, philanthropist.
No wonder you're still hung up on her.
I'm not saying she's not amazing.
We all know she's amazing.
This.
I'm talking about this.
"After an unsuccessful marriage of five years" Yes! But to whom? "Unsuccessful marriage" to whom? No, look.
You're mentioned right here.
"Romantically linked to Ryan" Reynolds.
Hi, guys.
Who died? And was he fat? And does he need a casket? No, I was just handed this.
My new court-appointed case.
I'm supposed to defend Wayne Hilicky.
He's been charged with armed robbery.
Who's Wayne Hilicky? That's some kid Danny grew up with.
There was a little problem with bullying.
And now you have to defend the guy who used to beat you up? Ha! My bro didn't take any beat-downs.
He was the one that was doing the pounding! Yeah, right! Really? You're serious? Danny was a bully? Well, he wasn't a bully, all right? It was an isolated incident.
He beat Wayne up once.
A day.
For most of seventh grade.
My Danny? What did he do? Tickle him till he cried? Wait a minute.
You don't think Danny could be a good bully? Danny was a great bully! I wish he'd kept it up.
I'm not proud of it, okay? I was going through a rough time.
After our parents died, Danny was angry at the entire world.
But since you can't punch the entire world, he punched Wayne.
Look, the whole Hilicky thing is one of my biggest regrets in life.
Come on, Danny.
Kids fight? I remember there was this one nerd I used to push down into the ravine behind the school.
Took me eight hours to climb out.
I threw you a rope.
You attached it to a squirrel.
What am I supposed to do? I mean, how can I face this guy? He must hate me.
Danny you're looking at this all wrong, okay? This is an opportunity to make amends.
For closure.
Or at the very least, take another whack at him.
Look, all I'm saying is that by helping Wayne overcome his troubles, you could overcome your own.
To face yourself, forgive.
Wow.
That was really profound.
Thank you.
I got it off Alison's Wikipedia page.
It was an unpublished poem.
But an unpublished poem written by whom? Wayne Hilicky? Yeah.
I've been assigned to represent you.
You may not remember me, but Well, if it isn't Danny White.
Well, come here, you! Wow.
I haven't seen you since Since I punched you in the nose by the bike rack? Ha! I guess so.
Good times.
Good times? I ran over you with my bike.
That was wild.
I locked you in your locker.
Kids? Well, I am here to make it up to you with the best defense you could ask for.
Why? You don't owe me anything.
It was a little pushing and shoving.
We were kids.
Really? It's forgotten.
In fact, who are you? I don't remember, because it's forgotten.
You don't know what a relief this is! I wanted to apologize to you that summer, but you never came back to school the next year.
Yeah, well, I had to spend a little bit of time in the hospital.
Started getting these brutal headaches.
They say it was from a blow to the head.
Like when I punched you? What? No! Of course not.
It's from where my head hit the pavement.
After you punched me.
But it all worked out.
After an agonizing year of recovery, I went back to school, got myself a great job, even got my own little cubicle.
Good for you! But I lost it.
Due to my childhood fear of confined spaces.
Like lockers? I never thought of that.
But then I married the girl of my dreams.
I feel like I shouldn't get my hopes up here.
She left me.
I think it was because of my violent night terrors.
But I am not gonna let that get me down.
As far as I'm concerned, the world is still a pretty sweet fruit.
I assume.
I lost my sense of taste with the head injury.
Good to see you again, Danny.
It brings it all back.
Yeah.
Sure does.
Hey, hon.
Hey, babe.
Mwah.
- What's going on? - Not much.
Then who's the half-naked man standing by the washing machine.
That's Wayne.
Hey, Danny! I think my shoes melted in your dryer.
I know it seems unorthodox, but he couldn't make bail.
So you're letting him live here? It's not like a stray dog.
You can't bring every criminal home with you.
After everything I put Wayne through, the least I can do is make him comfortable.
Which is hard.
He has a lot of allergies.
He's not a well man.
Really? That is so sad to hear.
Well, keep me posted.
Dammit! A whole busload of basketball players goes off a bridge, and they all live.
Even The Chubby Towel Boy.
His man-boobs went off like air-bags.
What are you doing? Editing Alison's Wikipedia page.
What? You can do that? Anyone can do it.
That's what keeps them honest.
In fact, if I wanted to say she was a puppy-kicking hermaphrodite, I could totally do that.
You're going to put in there that you were married to a puppy-kicking hermaphrodite? Danny? Where's the plunger? Under the sink, Wayne.
Where you left it last time.
Wayne Hilicky is here? Yeah.
He's staying with Danny.
He had no place to go.
I'm trying to make amends, like Ryan said.
Are you crazy? What if that jailbird stabs you in your sleep? Shh! Sheldon, he might hear you.
I don't care! I don't sleep here.
I just think you're crossing a line, Danny.
You're probably right.
Hey, sorry about your shower door.
Don't have the same inner ear I used to have as a kid.
You know, Wayne, I was thinking.
Maybe it would be best if you found your own place to stay.
Sure, buddy.
I don't want to impose.
I'll just go back to the shelter.
Shelter? Yeah.
Really nice one.
Very few stabbings.
Anyways, I should go before they run out of soup.
Thanks for everything, Danny.
Wait! Wayne! Don't go.
Stay.
And how do you feel about steak? I love it.
I don't really taste it, but I love the texture.
So? Does this say "Happy Hour" or what? Sheldon That's a coffin.
Well, you certainly don't miss a beat.
And I am required by law to inform you that it has ever so briefly been in contact with actual human remains.
But take my word for it, these coffin bars are huge in Japan! That's not the same ice that the body was on, is it? Bodies, beer.
It's all the same.
Danny? Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fine.
Just working.
Ask me anything you want about case law concerning armed robbery, and I mean anything.
Um, weren't we supposed to go on a date tonight? Of course.
Absolutely.
I wouldn't miss it.
What time's the movie? Two hours ago.
But Wayne and I loved it.
I'm sorry I stuck you with Wayne.
No! It's okay.
He's actually a good listener.
As long as you're sitting on his right side.
He's a little deaf in one ear from that infection he got when you stuck his head in the toilet.
I forgot about that one.
I'm sorry I got caught up, but I think I might've found a precedent.
In 1865, a bandit held up a delivery of manure with an unloaded musket, and they Hung him.
Danny, you know I admire what you're doing, but enough is enough.
You don't understand.
I'm not going to forgive myself unless I get Wayne off the hook.
It's my only option.
I got a secret weapon.
Wow.
I've been saying you need a new suit for court.
It's not for me.
It's for Wayne.
A man in a suit just looks less guilty.
You bought Wayne a custom-made suit? Yeah.
He can't wear anything off the rack due to his lazy spine.
All right.
I did my best.
I'm going home.
No, no, wait, don't go yet.
Can I borrow some money? I'm tapped out, between the bail, the suit, and the Botox.
Don't ask.
I want that thing out of here.
You know what? You're right.
I agree with you.
But let me ask you something.
Do you have kids? Yeah.
Okay, check it out.
You get rid of the ice, you dump your rugrats in here, and is this or is this not the best little playpen you've ever seen in your life? But wait! There's more! For an extra $800, I'm gonna febreeze it! For free.
How's he doing? Amazing.
He made two eye-witnesses cry.
And he got the security tapes thrown out because they were black and white, which he somehow convinced them was racist.
That's our boy.
Give 'em hell, Danny! Go get them, kiddo.
Your honour.
We've heard a lot of "Proof" today about what Wayne Hilicky was going to do that crisp September evening.
But the truth is, we'll never know what he was going to do, because before he actually did anything, he was pushed to the ground by a violent thug of a cashier.
Everyone just assumed, because of his grubby appearance, that he was there to commit a crime.
To them, I say this "You're funny, says your wife.
" "Your monkey plays the fife.
" "Your money or your life.
" They all sound very similar, don't they? The world has never smiled on Wayne Hilicky.
The world pushed him down, and the world stole his lunch money.
The world pantsed him in front of susie Doyle.
She never touched a man after that.
This isn't the first time the world has pushed Wayne Hilicky around, and I know, if you look hard enough, you'll see Wayne Hilicky is good.
Wayne Hilicky is decent.
Above all, Wayne Hilicky is Dead? Yeah.
Still.
One hell of a closing argument.
You know, if Wayne hadn't died, you would've gotten all those charges thrown out.
I ruined the man's life, and now I can never make it up to him.
You did the best you could.
What more could Wayne have asked for? Not to die? Penniless and on trial? Well, maybe if your closing statement had just been a little shorter.
I thought it was beautiful, Danny.
You know what might help give you closure? If you said a few words at his funeral.
Or throw him the nicest funeral anyone's ever had! Not to take advantage of a tragic situation, but I can give you a sweet deal on a pre-owned casket.
Danny, this is amazing.
You did a great job.
The room and the flowers.
And the mugshot? I wanted to use the surveillance photo from the convenience store, but I couldn't Photoshop the gun out.
Wayne looks tiny.
What is all the stuff around him? These? These are, packing peanuts.
Well, I don't want him to roll around in here and get hurt.
And by the way, I sold these to you at cost.
The humiliation never ends for the guy, does it? I still feel like I failed him.
I can't believe this is happening.
Alison totally deleted the stuff I put on her Wikipedia page.
She's obsessed with me! It's sad, really.
Ryan Would you stop thinking about yourself? This is a funeral.
My first big funeral, and you're bumming me out.
Get over here and take some pictures of me in front of my casket.
So sad.
He was much too young.
Honey, if Wayne were here, he'd be very pleased.
I don't know.
He was allergic to flowers.
And packing peanuts.
You must be Danny.
I'm Wayne's brother, Dwayne.
My brother and I weren't close.
He had a lot of issues.
It seemed to all start for him in seventh grade.
I am so sorry! For your loss.
He's sorry for your loss.
I just wanted to say thanks for paying for all this.
If there's ever anything I can do to make it up to you, just, just let me know.
I don't believe it.
I know.
Who names their kids Wayne and Dwayne? I just got thanked for ruining a man's life.
You know, I thought giving Wayne the perfect funeral would give me closure, but if anything, I feel worse.
I know you feel sorry that Wayne had some tough times, but so did you.
You were 12 when your parents died, and you had to be raised by those two.
Thanks.
But I just think I'd feel better if I could go back to that schoolyard and let him punch me back, even though I specifically called no punch-backs.
Wait a minute.
That gives me an idea.
Dwayne? Yeah? You said I should let you know if there was anything you could ever do.
Of course.
Anything.
Great.
Well, I would really appreciate it if you could Punch me in the face as hard as you can.
Danny, um What are you doing? Guys? I'm trying to make this right.
I'm not going to hit you.
Why would I? I'll make it worth your while.
How does a hundred bucks sound? - Danny! - Sorry.
No.
I'll hit you for 200.
I used to do it for free! That was me.
I know this sounds odd, but please, it would really mean a lot to me.
Well, II guess I could use the money, if you're sure.
I am.
Danny, um You don't want to do this.
I really do.
Look, I deserve to get punched.
I've deserved it for a long time.
Yeah, I'm more worried about what my therapist calls the "Reflexive defense" response.
What's that? Yeah, it's really difficult to take a punch and not automatically defend yourself.
Cool.
We should probably go.
What have I done? And we're walking, we're walking Again, so sorry for your loss.
Here.
Let me look at that.
Yeah Looks like you're still an idiot.
I can't believe I hit another Hilicky.
Maybe it's just me, but, you know, I thought things went really well.
Not without a hitch, but overall, a good day.
Hey, check this out.
Alison finally put me on her Wikipedia page.
"From 2007 to 2012, Alison was married to an anal-retentive pain-in-the-ass house-husband named Ryan White.
" About time I got a little respect!