Palm Royale (2024) s01e05 Episode Script

1
["STRAIGHTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT" PLAYING]
I'm so excited!
I've never been in an
honest-to-goodness plane before.
[STRAINS] You are one brave gal.
I never met another lady
with the stomach for it.
[MAXINE CHUCKLES]
I love roller coasters.
And I got the prettiest
copilot in all of Tennessee.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [LAUGHS]
All right, hold tight!
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
[MAXINE] Whoo!
[DOUGLAS SHOUTS] Up we go.
[MAXINE SCREAMING, LAUGHING]
[DOUGLAS LAUGHING]
The world looks so small from up here.
- [DOUGLAS] You scared?
- Never.
- I'm never scared with you.
- [LAUGHS, SHOUTS] Here we go.
[MAXINE] Whoo.
[DOUGLAS LAUGHS]
Whoo! Hey, you know what?
I'm gonna quit my job at Pan Am,
and I'm gonna become a skywriter.
And I'm gonna write in 30-foot letters,
"I love Maxine Horton" for
all of Chattanooga to see.
You really love me?
No one's ever believed in me
the way that you do, Max.
I feel like I can do anything
when I'm with you.
You're gonna make me cry.
Nah, that's just the wind.
No, it's you, Douglas. It's you.
Okay, Sugar Pie, I'm gonna go full
Red Baron on this baby, okay?
- Yeah.
- [SHOUTS] Here we go.
[MAXINE SCREAMING]
- [DOUGLAS LAUGHS]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
[SIGHS]
You okay up there?
Yeah. I'm great. [GROANS]
I just don't know if I
should be upside down.
Yeah? Are you scared now?
Yeah, 'cause [BREATHES SHAKILY]
'cause I'm pregnant.
[SCREAMS, GASPING]
[GROANS]
That might just be the best thing
that maybe I have ever heard.
- [EXCLAIMS]
- [LAUGHS]
Hey, Chattanooga.
- [MAXINE SCREAMS]
- Douglas Simmons is having a baby.
[BOTH] Whoo-hoo.
[DOUGLAS] So Perry says,
"If you focus on the horizon,
then you will end up in
the sand trap every time."
And I say, "Look, Perry,
if I just look down,
then I'm just taking a shot in the dark.
I may as well be Helen Keller out here."
[MAXINE] I've read that
invitation a thousand times,
hoping it'll say something else.
But it's always the same.
A wedding, Penelope Rollins
and Douglas Dellacorte Simmons.
Isn't life funny, Max?
[MAXINE] How could it be?
In what world is this possible?
My new friend Linda and my Douglas?
So I decide not to focus on
the horizon or the ground.
I press my chin in, and I put my
gaze just past my navel and
Booyah!
Over the bunker, hole in one!
- Whoo-hoo!
- [MAXINE] What else don't I know?
And more importantly, who
else knows what I don't know?
It is a game of the mind.
All right, well,
I'm gonna go get a little
one-on-one time with Perry.
See you at dinner. [STRAINS]
Game of the mind.
Up until now, I thought the secret
to a great marriage was
[INHALES SHARPLY]
keeping quiet and
smiling through adversity
until adversity smiles back. [CHUCKLES]
But this is no [SIGHS]
drunken fall down the
stairs after an argument.
Oh. This is bad, you know, Norma?
[MUMBLES]
But if I tell him I know, I
I might lose him. Don't you think?
[MUMBLES]
[SIGHS] What would you do?
[SIGHS, SLURRING]
Uh
[MUMBLING]
[MUMBLING]
You are exactly right.
I'm gonna go walk up to him
and tell him face-to-neck.
Yes, let's go. Oh, are you hungry?
- [SLURRING] Yes.
- No? Okay, we can wait till dinner.
- Come on, Norma!
- [SIGHS]
[NORMA MUMBLES]
[GRUMBLES]
Hey, babe. Brought Norma, huh?
Max, honey, I didn't know
you were coming out.
Uh, but Perry will be here any second.
You were married?
- What?
- You were married to Linda.
- Who is Linda? I don't know any Linda.
- [SIGHS]
Linda. My friend Linda Penelope,
her name used to be Penelope.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Douglas.
- Well
- [SIGHS]
This is who you've been palling
around with this whole time?
Penelope Rollins? Oh, Christ!
Are you still married to her?
- No!
- Are you a polygamist?
- Am I a sister wife?
- Oh, Maxine.
[SIGHS] Well, I don't know.
A-Are you even a pilot?
Or are you a brush salesman with
families in seven different cities?
But ju just give me a
second here, all right?
This is the first time I'm hearing
any of this right now as we talk.
That's how conversations work, Douglas.
It's not that I [SIGHS]
lied about Penelope.
- [SCOFFS]
- I just
I didn't bring her up.
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
Oh, please!
The reason why I didn't say anything
is because I wanted to forget it.
- [GROANS]
- [STAMMERS]
- Yes, we were engaged many years ago.
- [HUFFS]
But the day we were
supposed to be married
was the worst day of my life.
Max, look [SIGHS]
there's something
I have to tell you.
Something else?
On our wedding day,
Penelope shot her father.
What?
It was It was awful.
It came out of nowhere.
People running around everywhere.
There was blood everywhere.
- And I just I-I personally hated it.
- What?
And I I-I just I wanted to move
on and-and never look back,
and then I met you,
- my sexy little rose
- [SIGHS, INHALES SHARPLY]
my beautiful little puffball.
And we just were so happy together.
[MAXINE] Why? Why would
Linda do such a thing?
[DOUGLAS] Exactly.
It's because she is crazy.
Well, I don't think she's crazy.
Think about it. She sought you out.
She made you her friend.
She didn't tell you about it.
That is crazy. C-R-A-S-E-Y. Crazy.
- Did you just spell crazy
- [PERRY] Mrs. Doug-lidy-doo.
How do you do, milady?
[DOUGLAS SIGHS]
Oh, looks like I should have gotten
three of these good boys.
- No need, Perry.
- Huh?
I'm taking my leave.
- And you and I will discuss this later.
- Hmm.
[SIGHS]
Oh, hi, Norma. Good to
see you rolling around.
[LAUGHS]
Whoa! [STAMMERS] Whoa!
- What a firecracker.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
[MAXINE] Now I don't
know what's up or down
or what's what. [SIGHS]
We need to go straight to the source.
- Hold on to your bones! [SIGHS]
- [MUMBLES]
Yeah.
[BLOWS]
[SIGHS] Just a little
whew clearing, you know?
That's not the Rolodex?
[SIGHS]
You not in here doing
what I think you're doing?
It shouldn't be in the world.
[SIGHS]
Look, we can finally do something.
We finally can make a difference.
We finally have some power, and you
don't know if you're comfortable?
- [MAXINE] Linda!
- [GASPS]
- Oh, shit.
- No, you sit and stay.
[MAXINE] Have you seen
Linda? Is she here?
Linda!
Wait here.
Oh. Hello. I would like to
speak to Linda, please.
Or should I say Penelope? Immediately.
[VIRGINIA] Well, I'm fine.
Thank you for asking.
And she ain't here.
Well, you tell her I know everything
about her and my husband.
Oh. [EXHALES SHARPLY]
Well, I'm sorry, Maxine.
That's a tough one.
You knew? You knew about
Linda and my Douglas?
Look, I don't want to
get in the middle of it.
"I don't want to get
in the middle of it."
What is that? From a book or something?
Um, no. It's a common colloquialism.
Look, you need to go.
Do you even know who you're defending?
What kind of friend she is,
- that she lied to me and led me on?
- Oh, shit. [BREATHES HEAVILY]
And I don't usually open up to
people the way I did with her.
And I suppose when she came up to me,
that wasn't spontaneous
at all. [CHUCKLES]
She had a plan the whole time.
An evil, mastermind plan.
And I fell for it like a kooky,
woebegone spud.
- [BREATHES SHAKILY]
- I'm not Linda.
But what I do know is a
lot of things can be true
- at the same time.
- [SCOFFS]
Look, maybe she wanted
to get a look at you first,
see what you were like.
Then maybe she really
did start to like you.
Well, what's not to like?
You can tell her I know
the other thing too
her other secret that she
[SHOUTS] shot her own father.
- [VIRGINIA] I don't wanna get into that.
- [GASPS]
All of that is in the past,
and I don't touch it.
Can you at least give
her a message for me?
You tell her that I'm angry.
And that I'm hurt.
But emphasize the angry part.
How could she do this to me?
I-I thought we were friends.
And that Maxine Dellacorte is very close
to forming an uncharitable
opinion of her.
You got all that?
Sure, Maxine.
Thank you.
Poop!
Let's get out of this stinky
bookstore. Come on, Norma.
[MAXINE SIGHS]
How is she?
Well, as you can see, she's wonderful.
[GROANS, WHIMPERS]
She's trying to say something.
- [NORMA MUMBLES]
- Oh, she's always moaning
and yodeling about something.
- [GROANS]
- Are you okay?
[MUMBLING]
Hmm. Well, she seems to
have a lot to say about you.
How do you know it's about me?
Everything's gonna be fine.
- [GROANS]
- I'm here.
- I've missed you.
- [SLURRING] I've missed you too.
[CHUCKLES]
Aw, look at you two
staring at each other
like a couple of lovebirds.
[INHALES DEEPLY] What is exactly
going on between you two anyway?
And tell me, wasn't it under
your care when she embolized?
I do believe the doctor said her
embolism started down south.
- S-So what?
- So you tell me what.
Maxine, what are you trying to say?
All I'm saying is, I know that you
like to play the trumpet for her.
And I'm just wondering,
when you were playing it,
- where you were pointing that thing
- [ROBERT GASPS]
when you hit the high notes.
Oh, my God.
[SLURRING] Oh, my God.
Are you trying to say
that I was into her?
- Come on, Norma.
- [SLURRING] No!
A very good goodbye.
- [NORMA GROANING]
- You have imagination. I give you that.
- [GROANING]
- She wants to leave.
[NORMA GROANS]
[DOUGLAS] Well, what
do you think? [SIGHS]
It's a hot dog.
[DOUGLAS] Well, I know how you like it
when I make your favorite things.
And I thought, you know,
in light of our [SIGHS]
earlier conversation,
I just wanted to treat my girl.
- Monkey sauce?
- Thank you.
- I feel like a real princess.
- Hmm.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[SIGHS]
Anyway, as I was saying
about Perry God, this guy.
He's really got a mind
for business. [CHUCKLES]
And what was it people used to
say in high school about him?
Oh, yeah! [CHUCKLES]
Yeah. "Perry is an idiot."
"Dumb as a post." "Mean too."
If they could just hear him
talking about business,
the way he maneuvers
And I'm just here on the sideline.
I'm just like, "Whoa, boy!" Oh, which
reminds me, he's got a point.
We need to make the most of
this conservatorship deal
for Norma, of course.
We need to get those funds
into something and grow them.
You know, Perry's not
wrong about real estate.
I mean, look what he's done.
The Northshore, Ridge Crest,
Crest Estates, The Estates
at Corsica Ridge
Did you love her?
What?
No.
It was a long time ago.
I can't even remember.
[GRUNTS] I mean, I guess
there was something
blonde that I liked about her, but
Did you love her?
Or do you not remember?
- What?
- First you said you didn't love her,
and then you said you
don't remember if you did.
It was [STRAINS]
just more like a [STAMMERS]
merging of the families.
Plus, I didn't know myself back then.
I was just going with the flow.
And she could be very convincing.
She talked a lot.
But the main reason I didn't love her
is because she wasn't you.
But I still don't understand why
she would try to shoot her father.
Oh, come on, Max. I shouldn't
have even told you.
Look, let's just pretend
I never did, okay?
Let's just pretend
I never even said a thing.
I don't want to pretend
anymore, Douglas!
- I am asking you to.
- Well, you're asking a lot.
It was 20 years ago,
which is a long time ago.
And 20 years plus our love equals
[GRUNTS] Look, I'm just
I'm straining my brain here, Max.
You kept it from me.
The best thing I ever did was
not marry into that family.
And you wanna know why?
Because it led me to you.
So, can you just stop picking at it
and pretend I never mentioned it?
Please, babe.
[PHONE RINGING]
I'm going to answer the phone.
[RINGING CONTINUES]
[INHALES DEEPLY] Dellacorte residence,
Maxine Dellacorte speaking.
- Hey, it's Robert.
- Jeezy creezy. [SIGHS]
How's Norma tonight?
You know, you are like a bad penny,
always turning up at the wrong time.
Well, I think that would make you happy
considering how much you love money.
Well, I like the more-than-pennies kind.
Has Norma gotten her insulin shot?
That's all I want to know.
Christ. Why are you always
hounding me about Norma?
Maybe it's me you're obsessed with.
I'm the only person you're rude to. Why?
- Me?
- Yes.
- Rude?
- Yes.
[SCOFFS] Fuck you.
[MAXINE SIGHS]
[ANN] All the 1949 Shiny Sheets,
bound and archived.
[MAXINE GASPS] Thank you, Ann.
It's so funny that you asked for these
because I was just going
through this stu
- Oh, please be careful.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- [SUCKS TEETH, SIGHS]
- I was just going through this stuff.
You know, researching Norma's obituary.
- Oh.
- What is it you're looking for again?
Uh [STAMMERS]
oh, I I'm just doing
a family history project of sorts.
Looking for pictures of relatives,
chronicling the family line,
this, that, and the other.
You know, I just wanted to
follow up on something.
You said you were Miss
Junior Ocoee in '43
and then Miss Chattanooga in '49, right?
Oh Oh, and don't forget,
uh, Miss Mineral Bluffs in '46.
[CHUCKLES]
All right. Let me know if you
find anything interesting.
I will. Thank you.
[INHALES SHARPLY, SIGHS]
[SIGHS, SUCKS TEETH, CLEARS THROAT]
"Wedding of the season ends
with a [WHISPERING] bang."
[MURMURING]
"Dellacorte mansion was done
up to the nines." [MUTTERING]
"Fletcher Quartet played a ribald
version of 'My Donkey Got Out.'"
Oh [SIGHS] jeezy
creezy, get to the point.
[MURMURING]
"A gunshot rang out." [GASPS]
"And no one could say for sure
just where it came from."
"Especially not Douglas Dellacorte,
who fled the scene,
leaving behind his best
man, Perry Donahue.
Eugene "Skeet" Rollins was severely
injured, possibly paralyzed.
No one was charged and the weapon,
sought out by the Palm Beach
Police, was never recovered.
What transpired that day
at that storied wedding
is the mystery of the season.
Though theories and
assumptions flew around
with the vulgarity of a food fight,
the only people that will ever
really know what happened
are the people who were in that room."
I had to seek out Skeet, the victim.
Maxine, whatever are you doing here?
Dear Norma's with you now.
Evelyn. [EXHALES SHARPLY]
You were there that day too.
What day, dear heart?
Do try to make sense.
And you knew about it this whole
time, and you didn't say anything.
Just like everybody else.
- [BREATHES SHAKILY]
- [SIGHS]
The wedding.
I don't understand. Linda was
actually trying to kill you?
Yes, darling!
I know it's hard to fathom,
someone with my generosity of spirit.
Why? Why?
Well, it's no secret Linda
and I don't get along,
and most of that rests
squarely with her.
Always has.
You see, her mother died
when she was a little girl,
and she became incredibly
close to Skeet.
So close that even as a youngster,
she would terrorize any
woman involved with Skeet.
- Terrorize?
- Yes! Snakes in the closet.
Thumbtacks on the chair.
Ipecac in the salad dressing.
- Now needless to say
- [SIGHS]
her impending marriage to
Dougie did something to her.
I don't think she could
bear leaving her father.
And the thought of me
having him all to myself,
well, it drove her mad.
[SKEET MOANING] Yes, ma'am.
[EVELYN] The stress was
awful for poor Skeet.
[EVELYN MOANS]
That day was worse than ever.
- Oh, yeah. Go in there deep.
- [EVELYN] His back was so tense.
- [MOANS] That's it. Oh, yeah.
- I had him pressed against the door
- working his knotted back like a champ.
- You know just the spot.
You got the spot.
- You're on [MOANS]
- [EVELYN] And then
- [GUNSHOT]
- [YELPING]
And then what happened?
Let's just say, thanks
to Linda's poor aim
granted, she was
shooting through a door,
so maybe it wasn't so
bad after all, but
Dougie got to escape their union,
I got Skeet to finally marry me,
and Norma does what Norma does.
What does Norma do?
Norma was always a
great keeper of secrets,
and eventually she started
using those secrets
to help keep all of
Palm Beach in balance.
[BREATHES SHAKILY] You don't say.
Norma files our little
indiscretions, fixes things,
and in return, we show
Norma our, um, uh
appreciation.
- Appreciation?
- Blackmail.
Dear Aunt Norma collected
the secrets of everyone
who came through her tearoom,
and she put them right
here in this Rolodex.
She used it to get them to
donate to her Beach Ball.
And now we have it.
We have dirt on all of
these powerful people,
important people.
Spiro Agnew is in here,
for Christ's sake.
[GROUP MEMBER 1] You're full of shit.
No, she's not.
Go ahead. Pick one.
Tell me what it says.
"Stephen Sebring. Pregnant mistress."
[SCOFFS]
"Gary Picknell."
Hey, wasn't he mayor?
[GROUP MEMBER 2] "Addicted to cocaine,
quaaludes and marijuana."
Whoa. [SCOFFS]
- Jesus, pick a lane, brother.
- [LAUGHING]
But how do we know that any
of this stuff is actually true?
Oh, it's true. Every word.
[SYLVIA] How do you know?
I used to be in there.
[MAXINE] So, why didn't
Skeet want to marry you?
[EVELYN] Because, well [SIGHS]
Although everything
about me screams grace,
pedigree and gentle upbringing,
I, like you, didn't come from money.
The fact that we both have hideous pasts
is something I recognized
about you right away.
I see.
Suppose that's why I'm being
any help to you at all.
So, this would explain the gun.
Oh, you you found a gun? Gun?
Yeah. In In the safety deposit box.
It must be the gun!
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
Darling, this is what I mean
about Norma keeping
Palm Beach in balance.
Now that gun, if it's truly
in the safety deposit box,
it needs to stay there.
Of course.
Who would be kooky enough to walk
around with a gun in her purse?
Maxine, that gun is insurance
against a lot of things going out of
balance around here, understand?
Yep. Understood. I have a golf
game that I have to get to.
Um, I think I'm late.
Oops. Yes, I am. Crackers, shoot!
Thanks, Evelyn. [GASPS]
My question is, what are
we gonna do with it?
- We have all their addresses?
- Mm-hmm.
We should send them anthrax.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.
Or seeds.
- [GROUP MEMBER 2] Poems.
- Okay.
Um, those are good ideas.
But we have to be strategic here.
We can't go too big.
If we go too big and misfire,
it'll all come back down on us.
In my opinion, I think
we need a test case.
Perry Donahue.
- Linda.
- Perry Donahue.
He's He's an ambassador,
he's a real estate mogul,
he lives right here in Palm Beach.
And you remember that, uh,
Emerald Isle in Boca Raton?
You know, it was that big,
flashy new condo
everybody was excited about?
- And then it suddenly collapsed.
- [GROUP MEMBER 3] Oh.
Go ahead, find his card.
[GROUP MEMBER 3 GASPS]
[SIGHS]
"Paid off inspectors."
- What a fucking asshole!
- [GROUP MEMBERS GASP]
You're too close to this.
So what?
He's my scummy ex-fiancé's
scummy best man.
[SIGHS] He's a creepy, two-bit developer
who's Nixon's pick to be the
ambassador to Luxembourg.
He's a local quasi-celebrity
who's got ties to the government
we all know that
but he's not at the
very tippy, tippy top.
He's your perfect test case.
Well, I guess my friend at the
Miami Herald might like to hear
about the business practices
of Nixon's brand-new
ambassador to Luxembourg.
[GROUP MEMBERS CHUCKLING]
- What on earth are you talking about?
- Yes.
Douglas was engaged to
Evelyn's stepdaughter?
- Linda, yes!
- When?
Twenty years ago.
You swear you didn't know?
Hadn't the foggiest. Bu
Honestly, Maxine, why
should I know or care
about anything that
happened 20 years ago?
I've only been married to
Perry for three seasons.
[GROANS] I just feel
like everyone knows,
and they were just
talking behind my back.
I can't trust anyone. I've been
made a fool ten times over!
Look at me. I, for one, was in the dark,
I never heard anything
about it from anyone.
- All right.
- And if it's any consolation,
it sounds to me like you know
the person you can't trust.
- Who? Douglas?
- Hey, ladies.
- [ROBERT] Can I get you anything?
- [GASPS]
- Stop listening to us!
- Would you stop listening to us?
I wasn't listening to you, please.
Oh, my God, relax.
- Relax.
- But I did notice,
if you're here and Mr.
Dellacorte is here,
who's taking care of Norma?
Norma is fine. She's taking a nice bath,
fast asleep right next to
a plugged-in hair dryer.
- [CHUCKLING]
- Jeezy creezy.
She's home, being cared for by
a very competent manicurist.
- Not that it's any of your business.
- [ROBERT] Mmm.
They do nails.
What was that look he gave you?
- Oof, look at his butt though.
- He looks good driving away.
He's better going than coming!
[CACKLES]
Anyway, Perry's never said
anything to me about a wedding.
We don't talk about the past.
I, for one, am not interested
in anything BD.
- What's BD?
- [GASPS] "Before Dinah."
And I suggest you take
a page out of my book.
So, I shouldn't be interested
in anything BM?
That's exactly right.
- [PERRY] A yearly 25% rate of return.
- [DOUGLAS STRAINS] Yeah.
[PERRY] Think about that. Huh?
Practically free money.
Uh, with Norma's estate
at your disposal,
- it'd be criminal, in my opinion
- [DOUGLAS STRAINS]
not to take advantage of it.
[STRAINS]
So what you thinking?
I gotta admit, it does
sound pretty good.
Well, it's not every day a
fella gets the opportunity
to be first money in.
- [DOUGLAS] Oh! Nice.
- [PERRY STRAINING]
I like it.
- Yeah?
- I'm in.
All right! Well, we're gonna have fun!
Ah, darn tootin' we are!
- [CHUCKLES]
- [PERRY CHUCKLES]
- There's one thing though.
- Fine.
Uh [SIGHS]
in order to [SIGHS]
cement the deal,
I'm gonna need one more element.
Need to get the imprimatur
of somebody super classy
Classy!
[STAMMERS] Well, the the, uh,
development is in West Palm Beach.
Ew.
- Hence why we need the fancy person.
- Mmm.
I mean, we won't get any buyers
- without a marquee tenant.
- Mm-hmm.
[PERRY] So, what do you say
to a little trip to
Washington, D.C., huh?
In the old private jet?
[CHUCKLING] Oh, I "like-y"
the sound of that.
[CHUCKLING] Yeah!
Hello, ladies!
- Working on your strokes?
- [DINAH] Ooh.
[DOUGLAS] Hey, babe.
[STRAINS]
- [PERRY] Thank you.
- [ROBERT] Enjoy your drink, fellas.
[GROANS, SIGHS]
[DOUGLAS] Thank you.
[DINAH] You need to stop
picking at the emotional scab.
You're right. That's what I do.
- Pick.
- I pick.
- Pick.
- I'm a picker.
- You're a picker.
- Pick, pick, pick, pick,
and there's never anything there.
- I can tell you that much.
- Mm-mmm. [INHALES DEEPLY]
Hey, Robert! How about you
make me a grasshopper?
The cream went bad with the sun.
- Ugh.
- Oh.
Can you just make me
something fruity then?
Robert, will you be a peach?
[SIGHS] You know I bought a
little pied-à-terre for Eddie?
- What? You did?
- I did.
[SIGHS]
- And it's been poetry.
- [SIGHS]
[GROANS]
I love poems. Any old stanza.
Then I suggest you do the same.
All the guys that work here, pfft,
they're the same. Rent to own.
- No. No, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[STAMMERS] To each their own.
I just think relationships
should be about love,
and they shouldn't be a transaction.
They're about power.
You need to get yourself a lover
where you have the upper hand
and stop driving yourself crazy.
Get out of your head
with all these what-ifs,
and whodunits, and how-now-brown-cows.
[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]
Well, it's been a peach of an afternoon.
- [GROANS]
- You boys have fun.
Don't crash into the capital.
- Aye-aye, Captain.
- Mmm.
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh!
Bye-bye, pussycat.
[DOUGLAS] Bye-bye, Mrs. Dougly-diddy-do.
- Wha No, no, no, no.
- [CHUCKLES]
You're still in the doghouse.
We need a little good luck for our trip.
- Go kiss him on the lips.
- Ah!
- Let's go, Perry. I gotta take a leak.
- Maxine.
Why don't you get a ride back
to the club with the boys?
I'm headed to Eddie's to
ride the Cuban missile,
and I need to pit stop at my bidet.
- Oh, but I'm still mad at him.
- Mmm.
I don't wanna ride with him.
- Be a pal. Please.
- [SIGHS] Dinah!
[DOUGLAS, PERRY CHANTING]
- Have fun. Hope it's not a crisis.
- [DINAH LAUGHS]
Wait! Wait! Wait!
- Perry! Guys!
- [DOUGLAS, PERRY CONTINUE CHANTING]
Guys, wait!
Douglas! [PANTING]
Hey, don't marry anyone
while you're gone!
I guess I'll just find my
way back using the stars.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[ANIMAL GROWLING]
[WHIMPERS]
[GROANING]
Hello, Doug.
Surprise.
[DOUGLAS CHUCKLES, GROANING]
[SIGHS]
How have you been, Penelope?
It's Linda now, actually.
Mmm.
Suits you now.
Well, this is a fine place to meet.
Can't believe you're back here.
Well, it's been a long time.
[SIGHS] Twenty years is a
long time. Things change.
Well, it's a free country, and you
can stay however long you want.
But if memory serves, you made a
deal, and it still stands, right?
Wow. Look at that face.
Hope you treat her better
than you treated me.
All right. Whoa.
No, you lied all the time.
How could you do that?
Penelope Linda,
this is not the place.
No?
I feel like the toilet's
totally appropriate
to talk about our relationship.
I was a different person then.
And I think we both know
we weren't meant to be.
[STAMMERS] I hope you
could move on. I have.
Sorry I have to remind you who you are.
Who I w was.
Was, are, right? Semantics.
If you haven't changed.
[CHUCKLES] See? That's exactly
the same bummer observations
Oh, please.
that made you
impossible to deal with.
Me, impossible?
What were you?
When you think back
or have you ever thought back
[STAMMERS] what do you remember?
I guess, me being impossible,
you were a peach.
- [INHALES SHARPLY]
- It's fine. We've got this.
We've been doing it for lifetimes,
generations, right?
We say sorry for your behavior.
So, Douglas, I'm really sorry that
I made you screw another woman,
and I'm really sorry that somehow
I made you get her pregnant.
And mostly, I'm so sorry
that I'm here right now
reminding you what a
motherfucker you are.
Sorry.
What? [CHUCKLING]
Why do you always have to put
things in terms like that?
Men, women. You think
it's easy being a man?
You think it's easy having
to uphold everything?
What have you upheld?
I've been married for 20 years.
[SIGHS]
Whatever. I didn't wanna do this.
- [GROANS, CHUCKLES]
- I didn't wanna dredge up the past,
and I didn't want to argue.
I just wanted to ask for one thing,
which is shut your mouth
about our wedding day.
[PERRY GROANING]
- [SIGHS]
- Oh, my God. Another winner.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Penelope Rollins?
- [LINDA] Yep.
- Well you've changed.
You haven't.
- [DOUGLAS CHUCKLES]
- [PERRY GROANING, EXHALES]
[SNIFFS]
[EXHALES]
Oh. Maxine, your manicurist
told me you'd be here.
- Yes, I've been looking for you.
- [SIGHS] Mitzi?
- Yes.
- Ohhh.
She's my manicurist.
- She does my nails.
- Yes.
- I love Mitzi.
- I just wanna confirm.
You know, I checked the dates
you mentioned and I'm confused
because Miss Junior Ocoee
'43 is one Eleanor Zanzy.
- And Miss Chattanooga '49.
- Oh. Chattanooga.
Yes. Well, her name is Elise Cunningham.
Okay, Ann. You know what?
You ask a lot of questions.
How about for this one,
we just pretend it never happened?
- [CLEARS THROAT, STRAINS]
- How about that? [SCREAMS]
- [ROBERT] Ey.
- [STAMMERS]
[GASPS] He's my knight in
shining armor. [CHUCKLES]
Can I see you home?
Ohhh, you just can't stay away
from me, can you, bad penny?
You can call me whatever you want.
But I'm not gonna let
you drive like this.
Give me the keys.
If y'all just allow me
one more question.
No, you're gonna have to
find some other time to talk.
Please, not now. Sorry. Thank you.
Give me the keys.
[MAXINE] Forceful.
Okay, I got my lipstick,
- my check book
- That's your wallet.
- a gun
- What are you doing with a gun?
- Oh, here are my keys. Oh
- Why do you have a gun here?
Why do you have a gun?
Let's get out of here.
[ROBERT] Is everything okay back there?
[MAXINE CHUCKLES] Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
Is everything okay up there?
Everything is fantastic up here.
Of course.
Is it really okay?
Yes, Maxine. Everything is great.
Is that why you're taking me home?
'Cause everything's great?
I'm taking you home 'cause you're drunk
and there is a manicurist at home,
and I have no idea if she knows
how to work a syringe.
You know just what to say to a woman.
Sure.
- [ROBERT CHUCKLING]
- [MAXINE] Gosh, Robert,
you are really good at walking.
[ROBERT CHUCKLES]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Finally.
Oh, finally we can acknowledge
what's been positively simmering
between us this entire time.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
- Oh, sure, you don't.
- Oh, no, I don't.
That which simmers must come to a boil.
- Oh, God. Come on, Maxine. I
- Oh, Robert
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
- take me. Take me right now.
- Wait, Maxine. Wait.
- Maxine.
- Take me right here.
Take me right here on this ethnic
rug. [BREATHES HEAVILY]
[STAMMERS] What? [CHUCKLES] Maxine
- Robert?
- Maxine.
Go get your trumpet.
I want you to play
"Edelweiss" in me real slow.
- I wanna feel every single note.
- Please, Maxine.
Or maybe you can play
a quick ditty, like
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
- "Flight of the Bumblebee."
- No.
[MITZI GROANS] Nice of you to show up.
I've been here for 14 hours,
and I'm pretty sure I did
some things wrong. [PANTS]
- I'm gonna go check on Norma.
- Great.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
Well, if this isn't the perfect ending
to a raccoon penis of a day.
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
- Maxine.
- What?
- I can't work here.
- [SIGHS] Oh, please.
Please don't be horribly mad at me.
[STAMMERS] I know I lost track
of time. I'm not a time expert!
Oh, no. No, it's not that.
Perry just got me a job
at the club. [SIGHS]
- The tips are better and
- Perry?
As in Perry Donahue?
[STAMMERS] He's a nice man.
Mitzi, Perry Donahue is not
a nice man. [CHUCKLES]
I have to go. Good night, Maxine.
Mitzi? You be careful with him.
Oh, no.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
- [ROBERT] Comfy here?
- [NORMA SLURRING] Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES]
[ROBERT] You're the best.
Stay warm.
Something real.
If you don't mind, I'm
I'm gonna stay here tonight.
I just wanna make sure she's okay.
It's your favorite cream. Here you go.
- [NORMA MURMURS]
- [ROBERT EXHALES DEEPLY]
You're beautiful.
[KNOCKING]
[POUNDING]
Oh. [GRUNTS]
[BREATHING SHAKILY]
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
Hey.
I don't wanna talk to you.
[KNOCKING] [LINDA] Please.
I'm [SIGHING] I'm here to
tell you what really happened.
I just wanna tell you the truth, Maxine.
That day was the worst day of my life.
So, you you did shoot your father?
I did.
[SIGHS]
And he's never been the same.
He never will be.
All his health problems, all his
pain is is because of me.
But you were actually
trying to shoot Evelyn?
No. [CHUCKLES]
That's what she told me.
No. Oh, my God. I wasn't
trying to shoot Evelyn.
I was trying to shoot Douglas.
What?
Just for months, Maxine,
I felt like he was lying to me
and with somebody else.
Every day I kept thinking
about it over and over again,
until finally I said something.
[SIGHS]
"Honey, you're so crazy.
You're crazy. You're crazy.
You're crazy. You're crazy."
Until you become crazy.
I started feeling like I was seeing
his lovers everywhere and
and I was convinced he was
with one of my bridesmaids.
Oh.
And I got so obsessed.
[STAMMERS] I couldn't even recognize
the sound of my own pop's voice.
You wanna be scared? [PANTING]
[SKEET MOANING]
Want me to scare you, you fucking pussy?
- Fucker, fuck, fuck.
- [SKEET] Ah. [MOANS]
You fucking fuck.
- Fuck!
- [GUNSHOT]
Oh, my God. Skeet! Skeet!
What have you done? What have you done?
[SOBS]
And then what happened?
Norma just swept in [SIGHS]
and took care of everything.
[SIREN WAILING]
Norma, if he doesn't make it,
what will become of me?
Even now, all you think
about is yourself.
[STAMMERS] You just attempted patricide.
You are in no position to judge.
Don't worry, dear.
You hold all the cards now.
- I do?
- So, here's how it's going to go.
Skeet is going to stop playing
with Evelyn's emotions
- and marry her at long last.
- [GASPS]
And Penelope, you're
going to let that happen.
Because, Penelope, if you don't,
you will go to prison.
As for me, I'm going to hang on to
this family heirloom as insurance.
Why are you doing this?
You may not know it now, but all
of this is for your own good.
It doesn't feel like it.
[CHUCKLES] Have you lost
all rights to your feelings?
[CLEARS THROAT, INHALES SHARPLY]
What about me?
What about you?
Well, uh, in exchange for a
one-way ticket to Chattanooga
and $100,000 check,
I will keep my mouth shut.
So you can marry that gutter slut?
[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]
Gutter slut.
Chattanooga? That's where I'm f
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
I'm the gutter slut?
[SOBS] Yes, Maxine. [SNIFFS]
Maxine, you're the gutter slut.
Oh, Linda.
I didn't know. I swear,
I swear. I didn't know.
It's okay.
He loved you and he still loves you.
And you know what?
You were my perfect present, Maxine.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Yes. I was gonna be in
a loveless marriage,
playing pretty for some guy
who didn't wanna be there.
You saved me, Maxine.
[PHONE RINGING]
That's Douglas.
Go talk to him, Maxine.
[SNIFFS]
Enough.
[SNIFFS, BREATHING HEAVILY]
We did it, Max.
Ah, we're gonna ink the deal
that's gonna change our lives.
We got a really big fish
on the line, honey.
Oh, gee. Douglas,
I'm so proud. [CHUCKLES]
It's gonna be all champagne
from here on out.
- [PERRY GROANING]
- Hey.
I love you so much.
I know.
[FOOTSTEPS RUNNING]
I'll see you when you get home. [GASPS]
Linda?
[BREATHING HEAVILY] Norma, this is over.
[EXCLAIMING]
[GASPS]
You've had it the whole time.
And no one's ever gonna have it again.
[GRUMBLING, EXCLAIMING]
[BABBLES, CRYING]
Norma, are you upset?
[SLURRING] Uh-huh.
[MAXINE] Linda's version of
crazy made a lot of sense.
And who knows what I myself
might have done in her situation?
And after all,
hadn't I had, uh, an itty-bitty
dose of crazy that very day?
I wanted the pain to stop.
- I wanted everyone to be free.
- [GRUNTS]