Parks and Recreation s01e05 Episode Script

In a town as old as Pawnee, there's a lot of history in every acre.
This wooded area is the site of, um, the murder, actually, of Nathaniel Bixby Mark.
He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians, after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis.
They cut his face off.
And they made it into a dream catcher.
And they made his legs into rain sticks.
And that's the great thing about Indians, back then, is, they used every part of the pioneer.
Today is a great day for the Knope family.
My mother is being honored at a banquet with the Tellenson Award for Excellence in Pawnee Public Service.
The award's named after the legendary Tony Tellenson, who was a great man.
Sorry, is a great man.
I, for one, am glad that they're keeping him alive.
I saw you survive that town hall meeting.
You keep that up and you're gonna be figuring out what wall to put your own Tellenson Award on.
Oh, I already know, the one on the left where the American flag is.
But I think we could be a multi-generational political dynasty, you and I, you know? Like the Kennedys, or the Bushes.
Minus the drinking problem.
I mean no disrespect.
The only reason anybody's going to this thing is because they're afraid of what Marlene'll do to them if they don't.
That woman is tough.
In 1994, I gave her a nickname.
It's unrepeatable, but it stuck.
It's my proudest accomplishment.
It's "The Iron of Pawnee.
" This is very exciting.
This is a big night.
We are gonna meet some powerful people tonight, so take this down.
Mmm-hmm.
Good evening.
Marlene Griggs-Knope is my mother.
How important are speeches? I don't know, ask the Gettysburg Address.
Oh, it didn't answer your call? Maybe because it was in the Smithsonian.
It was a great learning experience because my mom casts a long shadow.
Read that part back to me.
"I was learning-disabled and my mom cast a very long shadow.
" No, I didn't say "learning-disabled.
" Um, we'll just move on.
We can fix that later.
Long shadow, go.
Okay, I've lost my momentum now.
Um, all right, let's start from the top.
What's the first sentence again? "Marlene Griggs-Knope is morbidly obese.
" I never said "obese.
" I said "is my mother.
" Oh, sorry.
I got it.
I need to mention the park and in a very subtle way, I need to let people know that I'm forging my own path and I have my own subcommittee.
But I don't want to sound braggy.
What do I do? It's about appearing humble, you know? Abraham Lincoln, when he started his speeches, he would come up and say, "My name's Abraham Lincoln.
"I'm the President of the United States.
"But I'm gonna be honest with you.
I have no clue what I'm doing.
" So, maybe you start off with something like that.
Okay.
So, I start off with, "I am Leslie Knope.
"I am the Deputy Director of Parks and Recreation, "and to be honest with you, I don't know what I'm doing.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
Then, I think what we want to do at that point is start getting the energy up.
Yeah.
How about this? "Marlene Griggs-Knope is definitely not a whore.
" No.
"Marlene Griggs-Knope "has not five but seven Asian friends.
"Marlene Griggs-Knope has never solicited a male prostitute.
"Marlene Griggs-Knope has said the N-word only four times in her entire life.
" No! No! She said it more than that? How about this one? That is hot.
Seriously? Yes.
That is really hot.
How come you don't dress up like that for me? Well, 'cause I would feel a little silly putting on a nice dress to go to "the couch.
" ANN I haven't been out in so long.
Andy being in a cast has definitely put a crimp in our social life.
I don't really know Leslie's mom, and I don't know what the Tellenson Award is, but at this moment in my life, it sounds like a magical evening.
Babe, I'm out of milk.
ANN How dressy is this, exactly? To the max.
It is the most exclusive local government event of the year.
Really? Yeah.
The Tellensons is like the Oscars times the Grammys plus the Super Bowl.
Wow.
Okay.
Um, I should probably change.
I'm headed to the salon right now.
LESLIE Salvatore Manfrelotti has been cutting hair across from Pioneer Hall since 1958.
All the movers and shakers who come through Pawnee have sat in that chair at one point or another.
I mean, he's the guy that made Larry Bird look the way he does.
Next.
So, what's the inside scoop, Salvatore? My feet hurt.
Classic Salvatore! Do I know you? Uh, no.
This is my first official political haircut.
I'm Leslie Knope, Deputy Director of Parks and Recreation.
Are you related to that Marlene Something-Knope? That depends.
Would you call being her daughter related? What the hell else would you call it? Now, what do you want me to do with this? Well, my mom is being honored tonight.
So, in a way, I am also being honored.
And I just wanted to mix things up a little bit, you know? Pin it up, something sassy, but powerful and dynastic.
Hi, April.
Good evening, sir.
I'm off the clock, April.
You don't need to call me sir.
Salvatore calls this hairdo "The Mayor.
" And yes, I will wear my hair like this when I am the first female mayor of Pawnee.
Oh, man, I am way overdressed.
What are you talking about? You look great.
We look great.
Everyone's looking at us.
Yeah, I know.
You want a drink? Yes, I do very much want a drink.
That man is staring.
That's former City Councilman Frank Schnable.
Oh, we are in rarified air tonight, Ann.
Rarified air! He's coming over.
What? Okay.
Be cool, be cool! I will try.
Hello.
Hello, former City Councilman.
I am Leslie Knope.
I am the daughter of the honoree this evening.
I just wanted to tell you that I think that what you two are doing is so brave.
Just being who you are.
I wish I had your courage.
Okay, let's go.
RON I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toe boot.
But this hotel always serves bacon-wrapped shrimp.
That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food.
I'd go to a banquet and honor of those Somali pirates, if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp.
Excuse me.
Hey, Table 12.
Can I get a "what what?" Wow.
Thank you.
I mean, Ann, you look stunning, but, Leslie, wow.
I was going for wow.
You got it.
I was told it was black tie.
I like your hairdo, Leslie.
Thank you, Ron.
It's just like my brother's.
He's an officer in the Air Force.
Bacon-wrapped shrimp.
Oh.
Thanks, I'm okay.
I wasn't offering.
Oh, Ann, don't look.
No, no, I said don't look.
Seated behind us is Janine Restrepo.
We need to rezone the pit to turn it into a park and she's on the zoning board.
Oh, what a night! Please.
This is so cool.
At that table are all eight living Tellenson Award winners.
Bert Winfield, Geoffrey Morglesberg, Quentin Arble, Dawn Krink, Michael Holloway, I don't know who that is, that's somebody's wife, Horace Rangel, Wilmer Vism and Oscar Pfortmiller.
Wait.
Oscar Pfortmiller is dead.
That's his disappointing son, Theo.
Another dynasty.
What a testament to my mother.
If a bomb went off in here, it would definitely make the Indianapolis papers.
Guys, we have to get me to talk to Janine Restrepo.
She's right behind us and she could rezone our park.
Well, then just go up there and say hello and start talking to her.
Brilliant political strategy, Mark.
Maybe I should mention her massive weight loss.
You're over-thinking this.
Here, I'm gonna pretend to be Janine Restrepo.
You, be you.
Go.
Hello, Madame Zoning Board Member Janine Restrepo.
I am Leslie Knope from the Parks What are you doing? Oh, I'm Pawnee Zoning Board Member Janine Restrepo.
And I can do whatever I want.
Please, tell me about this park that you badly need rezoned by me.
Okay, well, I think it would be a good idea to have a multi-use community park.
Oh.
Do you? Oh! Wait, what's that? What? I'm just former City Councilman Frank Whatever-The-Hell.
And I have more power than Janine Restrepo, so I can do whatever I want.
I don't even know if that's true or not.
Oh, my God, really? Well, I'm Marlene Griggs-Knope and I will destroy you all! What the hell are you guys doing? It's fun to pretend to be zoning board members.
Hey! Hi! Hey My goodness.
Look at you.
You like? I went to Salvatore.
Salvatore usually does men.
Usually.
But this time he made an exception.
Hmm.
This is Ann Perkins.
Oh, right, Leslie's new friend.
Yeah, friend.
She's We're friends.
Just friends.
I have a boyfriend.
He's a man.
So, I need your advice.
I'm seated near Janine Restrepo.
The queen of the zoning board? Am I the only Person here who doesn't know Janine Restrepo? I think she could be very useful.
What's my in? Oh, let's see.
You wrote a speech? Yes.
It's 22 minutes long, with the song.
I could cut the song.
The song's cut.
Scrap the whole thing.
Let's make the speech work for us.
Oh, politics! Yes! My mom is crazy good at this.
Okay, the two things you have going for you is your connection with me, of course, and the fact that Restrepo loves feeling important.
So make sure that you butter her up.
I will.
I'll make her feel like a human dinner roll.
Hello, everyone.
I'm Leslie Knope, Marlene's daughter.
Marlene Griggs-Knope is my mom, but she's so much more than that.
She's also my mother.
And together, we are the Knopes.
And if you weren't thinking it, you probably already said it, "political dynasty.
" Please save your applause until the end.
There are so many luminaries here tonight.
I mean, the list includes such amazing people as zoning board member Janine Restrepo, and others.
In conclusion, my mom is Marlene Griggs-Knope.
And I am just so psyched that Janine Restrepo is here.
I love you, Mom.
And you, too, Janine.
You're the man, Leslie! Thanks, Tom.
Hi, Ann.
I wish I could talk.
Moving and shaking.
This is my evening.
I'm Leslie's trophy wife.
I'd like to invite anyone who has a few words to say to Marlene to come up during dinner.
Hello, Pawnee government! My name is Tom Haverford.
And if five years ago, you told me I was gonna be in this ballroom with Marlene Griggs-Knope, I would've guessed we were getting married.
Janine? Hi.
Hi.
Have we ever met? No, but I am a big fan.
I'm Marlene's daughter.
Yeah, I got that.
Right, and I would love to speak to you about the ways we can improve our city.
Okay, well, call my secretary, and maybe we can set something up for next month.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Next month, then.
Fine.
Uh-huh.
Bye.
Andy, I can't leave now.
I'll get one for you on the way home.
Okay, meatball and ham.
Wait, is that two different subs? Really? I don't know if they can do that.
Come on! I'm serious! Now, the words "too sexy" aren't really in my vocabulary, but, Marlene, girl, you are too sexy! I refuse to lather Marlene up, kiss her ring like everybody else.
Instead I'll be delivering a speech of facts.
Marlene is a woman.
She has worked in the government for three decades.
Thirty years.
Properly applied, that's how long a good varnish should last.
So, Marlene, it is true that you have won this award.
Brendanawicz.
Let's bounce.
We're gonna be late.
For what? Ladies.
Scully's Bar.
Let's go.
Bounce, bounce, bounce.
No.
Please, you guys are the only people here I know.
Uh, well, this thing's kind of wrapping up.
Maybe we could leave a little later.
Uh, it's 9:30, on a Friday night in Pawnee.
There's not gonna be a later, Mark.
Come on, now, you promised we'd go hit on chicks.
Maybe you and Leslie can join us at the bar.
Look, I would love to come hit on chicks with you guys, but she seems kind of engaged in something and I think I should probably stay.
You'd hit on chicks? For real? All right, you know what? We're gonna be at Scully's if you two can tear yourselves away.
Let's do this, Mark.
It went really well with Restrepo.
She said I should call her and we can set something up next month.
Did she say call her or call her secretary? Secretary.
That's good, right? Secretary makes her schedule.
That's great, honey.
She's blowing us off.
What? No! Really? Honey, she's totally blowing us off.
What? That is not conduct worthy of the zoning board.
She's a little weasel.
Okay, I didn't want to have to use this, but her husband got a DUl in Illinois last week.
And she's trying to keep it quiet.
Well, everyone has their problems.
So, what should my next tactic be? The DUl, Leslie.
Let her know you know all about it, connect it to what you want, and then tell her if she doesn't help you, and soon, you're gonna tell everybody in town.
I don't think I could do that.
I mean, I want to win a Tellenson Award some day.
They don't give lifetime achievement awards to people who do things like that.
Sweetheart, they only give lifetime achievement awards to people who do things like that.
Those are eight of the nastiest, most diabolical people you could ever want to meet.
Bert Winfield was a blackmailer.
And Dawn Krink slept her way to the top of the DMV.
Trip Holloway named names in the '50s.
Horace Rangel used the police department to harass journalists.
And Jesus, honey.
Tony Tellenson was the worst.
He tried to re-segregate the drinking fountains.
Hey, Ann, where's Mark? He left with Tom.
Shoot! I have a tough assignment, and I need his help with it.
I could help.
Give me something to do.
Okay, well, apparently Restrepo was trying to blow us off, so my mom has a plan.
We're gonna twist her arm a little bit.
She's trying to cover up for the fact that she has a husband who likes to vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom and glug-glug-glug-glug-glug.
So you're gonna blackmail her? No, I'm just gonna get tough with her, Tellenson-style.
That doesn't sound tough to me, that sounds slimy.
It sounds like your mom's telling you to be slimy.
Ann, you don't understand politics.
Look, nursing is easy.
Really? Yeah.
You just go to work, and people come in, and you heal them.
But politics is different, you know? Sometimes you have to bring the pain.
You can't let yourself get taken advantage of.
I think your mom's giving you bad advice.
I don't think so.
You just do everything your mom tells you to do? You just do everything your boyfriend tells you to do? Make any pancakes lately? He has two broken legs.
Yeah, and he's got three crutches.
And one of them is you! And the other two are crutches.
You know, I don't need to be here.
It's okay.
You're allowed to fight.
You two are just like everyone else.
Thank you, former Councilman Schnable.
And now, a very special message from Mr.
Anthony Tellenson himself, recorded earlier this year from his hospital bed, before he lost the power of speech.
I'm leaving now, honey.
Cool Ranch, got it.
Anything else? Mmm I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to get those tonight.
Well, 'cause I don't think I can find a store that's open that sells slippers.
TOM I've been dying to go out with Mark.
Always thought we'd make a great team.
You know? He's handsome, I'm a cutie pie.
He's laid back.
I'm more in your face, but in a fun way.
Ladies don't stand a chance.
Uh What's with the hat? It's called peacocking.
Basically, I'm wearing something that kind of makes me stand out, like a peacock.
So, the girls will be like, "Hey, what's with that hat?" I'm gonna go peacock it out.
I'll be back.
Okay.
Thank you, Tony, for those inspiring twitches and blinks.
LESLIE I think we're gonna meet a little earlier than what you said.
How about Monday? Call my secretary and we'll set it up.
Not good enough.
Not good enough? Nope.
I know about things.
Well, my schedule is my schedule.
So, I'm just gonna get back to my dessert.
Drive much? Excuse me? Your husband.
Does he drive much out of state? I know that your husband is a drunk driver.
My mom told me.
What do you want? Uh Just saying.
I Get out.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
Mmm-hmm.
I don't know what came over me.
Leave.
I hope your husband gets help and that you have a long and happy marriage.
Stacy, Becky tells me that you two are both real estate agents.
That must be fun.
Uh-huh.
Any cool stories you got, huh? Um What do you mean? Like, I don't know, anything weird or funny happen when you guys are showing people houses? Um One time, I forgot my keys to one of the houses.
Whoa! Oh, my God, you do that, too? Yeah.
I've done that.
That's the worst.
Then you have to drive all the way back, and then you have to be like, "I forgot my keys.
" And then they're like, "You did that twice.
" Look at these guys! The key-forgetting twins! I'll be right back.
Can I settle up, please? Dude.
What is your problem? What? Becky and Stacy are both really into you, and you're blowing it with them.
And that's making them lose interest in me.
Becky and Stacy are boring.
I need you back there, man.
I've seen you hook up with more trashy chicks in the last year than I can count, all right? If there was a Tellenson Award for hooking up with trashy chicks all the time, you'd have several of those awards.
You're the king.
You're my hero.
Tom, I'm gonna get out of here.
I'll see you Monday, okay? Hey.
Hi.
Come on in.
I just wanted to tell you that I didn't go through with it, blackmailing that woman.
I tried, but I just couldn't do it.
Good.
That's a good thing.
It wasn't you.
You know, there was definitely some truth about that thing you said about me and Andy.
No.
What? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
Oh.
Whoa! Hey! What the hell? Oh.
Hi, Leslie.
I thought you were a dude.
The people who win awards aren't always the best people.
I mean, I think Ann and I are really good people, and someday others will see that and we'll get our due.
Would I like to win a Tellenson Award like my mom did? Sure.
But my dad never won an award, and he was always happy.
He lives in Florida, in a cemetery.
The point is, my mom is alive and I love her.
She's one tough cookie.
That's why everybody calls her "The Iron of Pawnee.
" Fondly.
Yes, I'm married.
But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies.
The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to both of us.
You like the color orange? Carrots? You into those?