Party Down s01e05 Episode Script

Holly balls, this party is gonna be fuckin' awesome.
Yeah or like any party, but naked-er.
And with sex.
That's awesome.
What? I dig sex.
I'm not gonna apologize for not sharing society's hang-ups.
- I didn't say anything.
- Yeah you didn't have to you have to.
You look hang-ups, admit it.
Look it's not you fault we live in an uptight, puritanical society.
If you look at the history of all civilization.
Like ancient rome for example.
If you went into a prominent roman citizen's villa, in ancient rome and looked up on the walls, there would be murals of people fucking.
Really? Just - people fucking - On the walls.
And phalluses.
My point is they didn't have hang-ups.
They're like, hey man, sex is a life force.
What's up! Holly shit, that's Rod Johnson.
- Rod Johnson? - He practically got a saturn v rocket for a cock.
He just annihilates these chicks.
He be like fuckin' the shit out of them.
And then spuhloosh, all over their mouth and nose and eyes, like buckets, excreted from his body.
All over them it's fuckin' crazy.
It must be great not having hang-ups.
Service smile, service smile.
Not "ooh, nice tits," smiles, okay? Professional smiles.
Ah excuse me sir, you can't be in here.
Mr.
Duk.
Of course you can be back here.
It's your company, you can be anywhere you want! To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit? Hundred dollars at a titty bar, or here for free? I come here.
Dollar smart, why I'm the boss.
Of course.
Of course.
While I have you here, free fully nude porno everywhere.
Why should you have all the fun? You know? - If it makes sense money-wise.
- Speaking of which.
Do you know how you said you wanted to become a partner with me on my franchise plan? Soup R' Crackers? All you can eat soup and salad? - Right, right.
- I've been tracking the markets, and it just seems like a great opportunity to move right now.
I love what you're doing, it's laminated and all that but too early.
That's what you said last time.
I'll tell when time is right.
Yeah, they're little dicks.
You're the first fuckin' guys to notice that.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry, it's just - It's okay.
- Not here.
- I know.
I'm sorry ground rules.
No It's just at work.
- I just don't want anyone - Yeah, yeah I know.
I don't want them to know.
And plus I'm like swimming in divorce papers, right now.
Like my agent keeps teasing me with this reno 911 offer or something, it's not gonna happen.
Now I have to spend the entire night walking around with these troglodytes demanding to see my tits every time I walk by with these fuckin' idiotic cock snacks.
- So, it's just - No, I get it Just show 'em the goods, you know what I mean, I'm sure they're natural? I swear to god, if you don't get away from me I'm gonna kick your fuckin dick off.
- Jesus ch all right.
- I swear to god.
Have fun guys.
I'm sorry, I know it's my fault.
I just My life sucks right now and It's always nice to see you and You too.
And you know hookin' up and stuff is fun.
I swear it's just like, the boyfriend and girlfriend thing yeah, no, it's a casual thing.
Right, exactly.
- It's casual.
- Yeah that's, what I want.
Good.
Man, stay away from casey, I think she's on the fuckin' rag.
Plenty of fish in the sea, dude.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
And what award did you win tonight? - Best blowjob.
- Ah best blowjob? - That must be an amazing blowjob.
- Best of the year.
"Best" being relative, of course.
- What do you mean, Dandia? - I mean, you so don't deserve that.
- Hey, I won this fair and square - Just sleep with the right people I didn't sleep with anyone to win.
I went out and gave the best blowjob.
- Mine's way better - Bullshit! Ladies, maybe we can clear this up right now.
We could do a blowjob contest.
We'll be the judges.
You know, it's an idea.
- Dude, what was that? - I know, man, I thought they were cool with sex but they're fuckin' stuck-up, bitches.
No, they're cool with sex.
Why do you think they got into porn? I don't know, their uncles raped them.
I'm talking about your approach.
What's wrong with my approach? "Hey, maybe we should have a blowjob contest.
" Sound like a clown.
Not even nymphos'll go for that.
- Fuck off nympho's would go for that.
- No they wouldn'T.
What would your approach be? All right tell you what? Just follow my lead.
So my agent's like, do one pupujujo video just for the money and now it's like all I'm doing.
Pupujujo? Pupujujo, it's thing where guys come in your nostrils.
Fucking japanese, right? It's like, what'll they think of next? It's money, but like is that why I got into the business? So I could have guys coming up my nose? I I don't know.
So I'm rebranding.
I got the new name, I got the new surgeries, which came out okay, except for this one little scar.
You barely notice.
That's from earlier when my heart didn't work.
So now I have a monkey heart.
- God damn it, good - Ron! What's up.
What's up is Alan Duk is a fucking asshole.
- And I fucking hate him.
- The guy who owns the company? The guy who owns the company is like, "Ron, hey you have goals and plans Soup R' Crackers what a great franchise, let me help you out," right? But then I get all my duck in a row I get everything ready to go, I can smell, it right? He's like, "no I don't think it's a good idea.
Maybe later.
" Again.
So it's like he dangles it in front of my face and then just rips it away.
Well, keep trying.
He's the money, Henry.
He's the money, okay? If he's yankin' my chain, then where am I gonna get the money? The money store? - I don't - Money depot? , Cramsey.
- I'm sorry? - My new name Cause like I do a lot of anal.
So it's like "cram it up there" - You know like cram it.
- I get it.
Hi.
Come here.
- Who is that, should I be jealous? - I don't know, but if I play my cards right, I might have a shot at masturbating into her nose.
That's so sexy, she's very sexy.
She is the most depressing person on the planet.
I wanted to kill myself.
You seem more cheerful though.
This guy gave me a hit of ecstasy and I took it.
- Really? - Yeah like 15 minutes ago and now it's kicking in.
You should take it too and we both can be in ecstasy at this party.
Is there anymore or I don't know I'll probably.
I'll find him Jesus, man I'm not kidding.
Like the mane of unicorn.
- Seriously, this? - Such mythical creature.
I'm totally in to that.
- I'm gonna - Okay great.
- I'll be right back.
- All right.
All right.
Dude, these chicks tonight, huh? You in the biz, or just, what, an interested party? Shit man, all that pussy out there, who isn't an interested party? Me? I'm both.
I am in the biz and very interested in pussy.
You heard of "dumb schoolgirlz?" With a z? Too dumb to say no.
That's me, that's mine.
You like school girls? Ah shit who doesn't like school girls.
Am I making you pee shy? All gibber gabber? Sorry.
You know what I like to do? I like to think of a bucket of water pouring into another bucket of water, by the way, FYI, stay away from the little blonde girl with the big tits and the green skirt.
Tell me about your band.
Yeah, we do a kind of modern take on a doors thing.
Sort of like, power emo.
- I'm into this heavy german techno - I love Jim Morrison.
Morrison is a poet.
He does not get the respect he deserves, right.
"Come on baby, light my fire.
" Robbie Krieger wrote that.
Not of lot of people know that.
"Break on through to the other side.
" Right, that's better poetry than, like, - yeets or whatever.
- It's pronounced yeats.
I hate yeets, that's what i was reading in high school my teacher molested me.
Sometimes when I'm writing songs, I do this thing he did, where he channeled the spirit of an indian.
That would be so awesome, right? To have an indian inside you.
Amazing.
I'm half indian.
I'll see you around? Dude, what was that? Yeah, what was that? You're standing there talking all that bullshit.
- How could I follow? - You know what that's not bullshit.
- That's honest conversation.
- Honesty? Do I wanna be insider her? Yes? Is yeats is pronounced yates? Fuckin' yes.
You just gotta be zen.
Don't want.
Be.
Girls want to be, so be with them.
What the fuck are you talkin' about? You're not making any sense.
You'll get it man, you'll get it, I'll click.
Just follow my lead.
Think for sex party, there'd be more actual sex.
Like free sex.
Do you have any ecstasy? No.
Do you? - She's with us? - Yeah.
- Nice tits.
- What's ecstasy? Hello.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Guy Stennislaus.
I was wondering if you might have a moment for a business conversation.
Would it be all right if I ask your name? Ron, what business? I'm a producer.
My reputation is very good, anyone here will testify to that.
I've won the Reuben Hoseman prize three times.
My company grossed six million, last year.
Now, Ron, I was watching you in the bathroom.
You have an enormous cock.
I'll be be straight forward with you because I'm a straight forward business man.
I am going tomorrow to meet with investors in Seoul, and I think a discovery like this would be of great interest to them, and very lucrative to you, if you would consider it.
- Koreans? - Yes.
And I think that you could make you a lot of money in a short time with such a large, interesting cock as that.
If I can't touch, why bother? - Oh, dick snacks.
- Really clever, aren't they? Ron, perhaps we could discuss this somewhere a little more private? I don't ever have to show my face, and I could still make? We are not interested in your face, Ron.
If that's how you want it.
Cause I just need quick start-up funds.
Of course, of course I know, Ron.
You have a dream, I had a dream myself, once.
And now, I'm living it.
If you make mid five figures in a quarter, you can open as many wonder crackers and you want.
- Soup r'Crackers.
- Yes.
So if I may, if I could just - have a closer look? - It is, it is five figures you swear? So - Can I just take a minute? - Take all the time you need.
Of course, of course.
You let me know when you are ready.
- Ready? - Yes.
Occupied, occupied! No, no, no, ron.
This is my assistant, this is jimmy.
Jimmy, this is Mr.
Donald.
Who I told you about.
I'm so sorry about that Ron, so if you could take it out again? - Again? - Yes.
Just for a moment.
We'll want to call Hiro and Gunter right away.
Ron, could you lift it a bit? Okay.
And to the right.
- My right or your right? - My right.
And the rhee brothers Occupied! Occupied! Ron.
Ron.
No, no, sorry, so sorry.
I would love to introduce my business partner this is Denni.
This is Ron Donald, who I told you about.
- If you'd take it out again, - I can't, I can't.
I can'T.
I just can't do this.
Ron, we're talking about three months work.
And then you can have your dream in your hand.
Okay, okay.
- There.
- Good and if you could just get it more erect.
No, no I don't want you taking a picture of it, please.
Ron, the koreans are not going to invest on my good word.
So if you could make, arouse yourself a little, more.
- No, no I can'T.
- Think of the soup restaurant.
Soup r'Crackers.
Soup'r crackers, yes, it is your dream, yeah? Think about that and I want you to think about it like a woman.
- Use your hand to slap it around.
- Denni.
Please.
Like a woman.
Like a woman.
Like a woman.
You seen a guy with? Oh Casey, shit.
This is this is a business thing.
If you would, we need to get one quick snapshot of your your stiff hard dick.
- Are you good? - Yeah I guess.
All right okay.
Very good.
Nice boobies.
Ah this is like I don't know, this is tough! It's really hard cause like, they both feel like really real.
Okay you have to pick, come on.
- Dude, let me give it a shot.
- Just be, okay Okay, this is a total guess, 'cause because they're both totally, totally amazing.
Let's see I gonna guess Kenley's are real.
Is that your final guess? Oh man.
I can't decide.
Here, let me, let me go! Let me do it.
Hey, guy, be cool I mean it's not fair if I don't judge it too.
Kenley's are real.
Okay? I got it.
Looser.
See you guys.
- Dude, what are you doing? - I don't know, you're not telling me.
I told you okay, you follow my lead that's all you gotta do.
They wouldn't let me! And like there's anything to fuckin' follow.
You're like, "blowjob contest, not cool," "titty-feeling contest, cool!" It's not a contest, a comparison.
Totally different.
All right? - Just watch and learn you'll get it.
- Learn what? You have nothing to teach.
You get to do whatever the fuck you want cause you're handsome and you have cool emo hair the girls like.
I think you look kind of faggy and I hate you right now.
Has nothing to do with it.
What's up.
There you are.
- How's it going? - Oh, my god.
Did you find the guy? Do you like how I feel? - Yes, yes I do - Good, because you're so cool.
Cool? - You're cool.
- You're cool too.
Do you remember when we hooked up in the room? - In that little room.
- Yes.
- That was so fun and sexy, remember? - It was.
- I'm glad you're here with me now.
- Me too! We should get you in ecstasy, because if we do then we could talk all night.
And kiss.
And kiss you.
Does anyone have any ecstasy! - Anyone? - Henry! - That's the guy! - That guy? The shiny That's the guy.
The shiniest guy here.
Fuckin' assholes son of a bitch Good.
Can I have a vodka Redbull? "Live long and prosper.
" You into scifi? - Are you into scifi? - Yeah, totally.
I even did a scifi movie once.
This alien did me with his tentacle arms.
- It was cool.
- It sounds cool.
I haven't seen that one.
- What's your name? - Cramsey.
Lisa, actually I'm Roman.
I'm a writer.
I write movies and books, I have a blog.
It's pretty cool.
So what kind of stuff are you into? You know, all of it.
I mean, what I really like is dragons.
- Dragons? - Dragons.
Dragons are fantasy.
If there's magical talismans or a magic sword or wizards or fuckin' crazy not real animals all those basic things that breaks the laws of reality, that shits all fantasy.
I'm into hard scifi, fantasy is bullshit! I heard you.
Can I get a water? - Thanks.
- No problemo.
What's wrong with you? Hi, Ron.
Any luck? All right, that's fine.
That's all right.
Macy, would you come here, please? We need your help for a moment.
I need to get a picture for Seoul.
- So, just a quick fluff? - Yes, if you wouldn't mind.
- I don't think that's a great idea.
- No, no, Ron.
Macy is a professional.
This is just business.
I really don't want to.
Ron, I just want you to think about the money you're going to be making.
I want you to think about Soup R' Crackers, yes? Okay, then.
I knew it! How to win a Sinsayshun award.
Blow the guy with the most Reubens I'm not blowing guy, I'm blowing this asshole.
As a favor You're doing a really good of a job, he's looks wet string down there.
- That's his problem, it's not me.
- Ladies, please - You don't deserve this award - It's mine! Fuck.
- Yeah, that looks amazing.
- Thanks.
- They did really good work.
- Have you seen Casey anywhere? Yeah, I saw her head toward the back.
Who's your surgeon? It hit me on the very tip Jesus, hey, I got one.
And I think I'm starting to feel something.
I think this great idea Are you okay? I'm really sorry, I think you need to take me to the bathroom.
Really? Hey Ronald, I was going to go river boating on the Mississippi I need something to measure depth.
Can I borrow your dick? You shoulda seen it before, the end was all swollen.
- It looked like a grape tootsie pop.
- How's you back not hurt? How come you never told us you had such a huge dick? Can you just pack, okay? Why would he tell us he had a big dick? What's my stuff doing out? Who was in my stuff? Mr.
Duk was in here.
He was looking through it.
Really? - Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
- You're a really good friend.
- No problem, you know.
Tell me I didn't say anything that was too embarrassing.
- I'm so fuckin' embarrassed right now.
- Nothing at all.
- Really? - Yeah, totally.
It's fine.
I didn't get Reno 911.
Sorry.
You want me to take you home? Tuck you in and maybe We could talk, make out? - Like you said before.
- No, I think I just have to go home.
Sorry, I just don't feel well.
- All right, thank you again.
- Sure, sure, sure.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
It is, it's the nicest thing.
It's great, there's this one thing that I don't get, personally.
And that is it says right here "This schoolgirl is in for a surprise.
"She's going to get a face full of jizz, - "and she's going to like it.
" - "She's gonna like it.
" So? What's not to get? Well, which one is the surprise? Cause "a surprise.
" Singular, one surprise.
She's going to get a face full of jizz and she's also going to like it.
So which one is the surprise? What? That she gets bunch of jizz on her face and she wasn't expecting it, or that once the jizz is on her face, - she finds that she actually likes it? - They're both the surprise.
No they can't be, they can't be because it says "a surprise" right there.
So what I'm proposing to you now is that we change this to "This schoolgirl is in for two surprises.
" "Two surprises" No, "This schoolgirl is in for some surprises" because then that opens it up and there could be this whole box How about this, you don't take a demo.
Go.
Sorry man, you can't stay here.