Perfect Couples s01e05 Episode Script

- They're just breasts.
Look at them.
Take away their power.
- It's starting to work.
You don't own me.
- Aw! Hi, cutie.
- Hi.
I'm married.
- I was talking to your dog.
- I know.
I--I didn't know, actually.
That's-- But that's good for Luke, he needed that today.
- They seem to be getting along.
Do you wanna walk with us? - Yeah.
You wanna-- You and me walking? Yeah.
- Cool.
Come on, big boy.
- I'm serious, I am-- but that was for the dog, okay.
Got me again.
- Oh.
- Oh, please, go ahead.
- Thanks.
I owe you one.
Maybe I can take you out for a drink sometime.
Okay.
What? So weird.
No That is weird.
What? I don't even know what What do you mean by that? - That is tragic.
I mean, where did all that rain forest go? - You don't care about trees.
Just tell her you think she looks cute So she can get on with her life.
- Would you sign this? - Drilling for oil in Yellowstone? It's about time.
- Shh.
That is weird.
I don't even--what? That is weird.
Yeah, okay, I'll go have a drink.
I don't even-- I don't even--what? Perfect Couples - Season 1, Episode 4 "Perfect Jealousy" ♪ it's all true ♪ someone's got to do it now we have the fact sense working we've got proof all we need is you - Why did we have to hop the fence? - Because it's the quickest way to get to the third hole.
- I know, but why are we starting on the third hole? - So we can have lower scores, Dave.
And the ball washer's here, so you don't have to wait To do all those ball-washing jokes.
Of which you are king.
- Right, I do those.
They just come to me.
Why are those people pointing at us? - You know what, let's add a cardio component-- Super golf.
Ready, set, go.
- What is he doing? - I don't know.
But you're losing! - Oh, you bitch! Hiyeee.
It's Katie Cooper from the trail.
Dave, it was nice meeting you and Luke.
Miss Gracie has a dog crush on him.
Call me if you wanna hike again.
- What The hell was that? - Right.
- Who is this girl? - It's Katie Cooper from the trail.
- She sounds young.
And she's pretty.
- Well, how do you know that? - Because she said, "hiyeee.
" Ugly girls don't say "hiyeee.
" They know they can't pull it off.
- It's true.
I say "hiyeee.
" - Hello.
Hiyeee.
- Uh, hey.
- So, um We didn't get a chance To talk about your hike yesterday.
Was it fun? - Uh, yeah.
It was-- Yeah, it was good hiking.
- Well, did you-- did you meet anybody? - UhNo.
I just was out-- Oh, Luke made a little friend, though.
- Oh, Luke made a friend! Well, oh, how nice for Luke.
- And did Luke's soul mate have an owner? Or was it just running around wild? - No, it has an owner.
Yeah.
Female.
I can't recall the name, but it was like - Hiyeee, it's Katie Cooper from the trail.
- Katie Cooper.
- Oh, Katie Cooper.
Oh, Katie Cooper! - It's a fun name, isn't it? - Katie Cooper.
- No, dude, she shut it down.
I mean, I'm just walking with the girl.
- What is Julia worried about? You'd never do anything to betray your marriage.
Especially with a hot girl.
She'd never have you.
- I know.
Whoa, wait.
I get my share of looks.
I get a lot of, like, "hi, there's," And the occasional "damn.
" The other day I got, like, a Like a I don't know what that meant, But I think that's good.
- But you wouldn't do anything, So you gotta stand up to her.
You can't let your woman control you.
- Dave? Hi! Where's Luke? - At home.
With my wife.
I was telling you about my wife.
And I'm walking this old knucklehead.
- If I don't get enough exercise, I start chewing up the furniture.
Mind if we walk with you? - Fine, the trail I'm on is in America.
What trail are you on, Dave? - I am-- I am on an american trail.
I would like to hi-- let's do this.
Let's do this! - Okay.
- I am proud of you.
- I'm proud of us.
- Yeah.
If this comes up with Amy, Tell her I'm hiking with my new gay friend, Antoine.
- Ooh.
This place is totally dead.
- I am telling you, he is having money problems, honey.
They kicked us off the course.
It was really emb-- it was awful.
Although I did break a million in super golf.
- Oh, that's good.
- It's actually just okay.
Oh.
Wait, is he - Oh.
Rex? - Oh, hey! You guys here to make a purchase? Dave, you've finally come to terms with the fact Your actual wang isn't getting any bigger? That's right.
We acknowledge that Overcompensating is a big part of our business.
- No, actually, we just came to check on you.
Um Are you having some money problems? - Are you kidding me? Julia, I have tassels on my shoes.
I'm okay.
- Rex - Okay, I'm in a hole.
Business has been terrible, And I'm behind on my bills.
- Okay, well, what does Leigh say about this? - Yeah.
- Leigh doesn't know.
Guys, I've been in jams before.
Somehow it always works out.
- Somehow? Sorry, coach Capriatti.
I was smoking pot too close to Rex.
That's why you smelled it on him.
I'm a weed fiend.
- I don't need your help.
I just need to sell one of these cars.
Oh, and here comes a hot prospect right now.
That guy's been circling that Ferrari all week.
Rex, that's a college student.
- You ever hear of the internet? That's what a sophisticated millionaire looks like now.
- Uh, no.
I work at a college, I see college kids all day.
You don't sell that guy a car, You sell him your used earth sciences book.
- It's Rex time.
What's up, world wide web? - I just got off the phone with Vance.
He's hiking with Dave, their new gay friend, Antoine, And Antoine's dog Miss Gracie.
- Katie Cooper.
- Bingo.
She is using Dave to get to Vance, Just like I did so many years ago.
- See, this is why I have Rex Observe a very clear five-second rule.
- So glad to bump into you again, sharon.
Take care.
One, two, Three, four, five.
Ha.
- You know, this is such a betrayal.
I would rather he go and have sex with some random girl Than lie to me.
- A bit of an overshoot? - Total overshoot.
But you know what, screw him! - Yeah! And Vance.
- Let's ride! - Let's torch her car.
- So Dave finds all of the clients, Closes the deals, and does all of the paperwork? SoWhat do you do? - Katie, why don't you wait Until you graduate from college Before you try to understand the intricacies Of the real estate game? - Uh-oh.
Consequences.
- Don't panic, I got this.
- Okay.
- Stop following us.
You already scared away our gay friend.
And you stole his dog? - Well, well, well.
What are we gonna do about this? - We're going to explain to you Why Vance and I have nothing to feel guilty about.
Vance put it best earlier, actually.
What were you sa-- is he running? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- So what area of the web you crushing it in? Social networking, app design, pornography? I'm not judging, bro.
- I'm, uh, sort of between things right now.
- Between two big piles of money, eh? - Hey, Susie! Yeah, that's right.
It's Timmy Gutman in a Ferrari.
Looks like you dumped the wrong guy.
I loved you, Susie.
You suck! - So you thinking all cash, Or would you need some financing? - Well, I'm just still waiting for an apology.
- Why? This is really ridiculous.
I can't hike with a person just because she's hot? As far as what society says is hot.
What an-an-an objective viewer would say-- Based on magazines, and what's out there in the culture.
What do you think, That I'm gonna have sex with someone? - Oh, I'm quite certain You're not having sex with anybody.
- And you will only be having it once a day.
You wouldn't dare.
- Seriously? - I can't believe you guys.
This jealousy thing is so junior high.
- So you guys just never get jealous? - No, actually.
I'm an adult.
- Yeah, we're adults.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Don't you jump on Dave's high horse.
You said you made a new gay friend.
Let's see, where have I heard that before? Oh, uh, Steven, the barista, Ray, who took you to see wicked - No, Ray actually is a gay guy.
That night ended weird.
- It wasn't the best production I've ever seen, But at least I got to wear my great new boots.
Whoa, whoa, Ray.
Where is this coming from, man? - Okay, well Most of them were women, and you were flirting with them.
Deny it.
- I won't deny it.
I flirt with women.
It's harmless, and it makes them happy.
And women are wonderful.
Why do you hate women? You're a misogynist.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- So it wouldn't bother you If I just went and flirted with some guy? - No, not at all.
- Okay, good.
That's what I'm gonna do.
I am gonna find someone, And I am gonna flirt them up real good.
Every second we're apart it could be happening.
It could be an old guy, it could be a young guy, It could be some chick.
- I never realized your eyes were that blue.
What? They've always been blue.
What're you even doing? What are you doing? - All right, Timmy, We're a couple of silverback gorillas.
We've been circling each other, beating our chests.
This car is my lady gorilla.
You gonna mount her? - Sir, I have a confession to make.
- Oh, no, don't do this.
- I'm sorry.
You're a nice man.
I graduate in June.
Are you hiring? It's tough to find a job, you know, The economy's in such a bad rut.
- Oh, really, the economy's in a bad rut, Timmy? Good thing my exotic car dealership is recession-proof.
I can't believe this is happening.
I love my wife.
I don't want to tell her I'm a failure.
What am I gonna do? - My fraternity's having a keg party.
- That's it.
- Amy could be out there, hitting on some guy right now.
I'm dying.
- I thought you didn't get jealous.
- Of course I do.
The only reason I get through the day Is 'cause she keeps passing all my tests.
I send her these online friend requests Using irresistible aliases.
- She must know it's you doing that.
- Oh, really? Why don't you ask your new friend rontel williamson? - Is that you? Man, I thought I made a black friend.
We were gonna-- You can't-- you're pathetic.
- Come on, you don't get jealous of all those guys Julia goes "fund-raising" with all the time? - Don't put "sex implying" quotes around fund-raising.
It's her job.
- Okay.
Let's see what kind of guys she networks with.
What's her password? - Yeah, right.
- I bet it's "Luke," like her ATM.
And we're in.
- Big violation.
- This guy Josh thinks her profile pic is very pretty.
- Josh? Okay, well, let's just A guy thinks my pretty wife is pretty? Where is he? His ass is grass.
Come on, I'm not jealous.
I trust my wife.
Log off, please.
- This guy Ken Made her laugh so hard her stomach still hurts.
- I don't--what? What did he say? What's so funny? - Don't worry about it.
He looks like an optometrist.
- Don't care what he looks like.
"Laugh till my stomach hurts"-- move over.
- I hate coming to these work things by myself.
Thank you for coming with me.
- It'll be fun.
Plus I can find a college boy for my flirt.
Hey, sexy.
- That's a female lacrosse player.
- Go, Lady Bears! Good luck this season! - Ah! - Yes! Nailed her.
- Show us your boobs! - Rex? - Julia That's my sister.
Julia, it's me.
Do not show us your boobs.
- Oh, thanks.
Yeah, that was really close.
- Jeez, Julia, you ever try to Not like one of Ken's status updates? Dude, she LOLed with him at 11:30 on Wednesday night.
She got out of bed with me to LOL with him.
And he's not even funny.
What? - He's pretty funny.
- I'll tell you what would be funny.
Is if, uh, I paid a little visit to Captain Hilarious tonight At Julia's little office party.
Tell him to back off.
- Whoa.
Whoa, bad idea.
- I know I'm not gonna do that.
- Where is he, this guy's not funny.
I'm funny.
- You're not funny, You're hilarious.
- And most of all, Lois We will miss watching you do battle with the copy machine.
- Every time it was like an I love Lucy episode.
One time I walked in on her-- - all right, dude.
You're not funny.
- Are you Julia's husband? - Oh, wow, look who finally decided That Julia had a husband.
Raise your hands if you're tired of this guy.
I know Lois is.
She can't get away from Ken's Stupid face fast enough, can you? - Uh I'm quitting to spend more time at home Caring for my dying mother.
- Which reminds me of a joke.
Uh - You know what, maybe now-- Oh, whoops! Okay, oh! Oh! - Hi.
So I guess it didn't work out with Timmy, huh? - Have you ever wanted to believe something so bad You convince yourself the impossible is true? - I wrote a lot of letters to Eddie Vedder.
- I don't know what I'm gonna do, Julia.
- Is that Drakkar Noir? - That's right.
- Smells like my high school gym coach.
Excuse me.
Hello? - Hey, Vance.
Guess what's 6'1" and staring at my ass right now.
Your worst nightmare.
Listen to this.
- Where are you? - How lucky would you feel To come home to this every night, Daniel? - Amy, you stop this right now.
You let that kid go.
He's gonna fall in love with you, and then what? - Actually, I'm not really into this.
- What? Why? - Because it's weird.
I'm gonna go.
- Mm.
- Go? Dude, are you kidding me? What's wrong with her? Are her eyes too blue? Is her body too smoking hot? - Aw! - I don't get what this is.
- It's called a reconciliation, Daniel.
- Yeah.
Yeah, Daniel.
God, he's such an idiot! Uh! I hate this guy! - I hate fighting with you.
- I know, I am so in love with you, baby.
- I love you, too.
- Is Daniel still there? Amy, throw me at him.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it! Do it.
- She idolizes me, Julia.
It makes me sick, the thought of letting her down.
- Rex, Leigh loves you so much.
Almost to, like, a-- like, a weird degree.
You need to give her a chance to be there for you.
- You're right.
I'm gonna tell her.
- Ambush! - Oh, no.
Look, a fight broke out.
- College.
Those were the days.
- Oh.
- What did you do? - Crashed a party.
What did you do? - Failed as a husband.
You hungry? - So hungry, dude.
- Burgers? - Yeah.
- Drive-through? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- You ask.
- No, no, you ask.
- No, I can't.
You ask her.
Can we-- - nope.
- Babe, you're gonna be so proud of me, I just saved us thousands of dollars.
What's wrong? - Baby, we're having money problems.
- What are you talking about? - I missed a house payment, our credit's maxed out-- I just can't catch a break.
I wanted to tell you, but I was ashamed.
- You go through this alone? Did we not pledge in our vows To love each other for better, or for worse, For richer, or for poorer? - I'm not sure.
It was all in vietnamese.
- Rex, I believe in you.
And I always will, no matter what.
I'm gonna prove this to you.
This is my rainy day fund.
Every woman in my family has one.
They squirrel away a little just in case, God forbid, their marriage doesn't work out.
And then they have, you know, A little something to start over.
- These are all hundred dollar bills.
Is that the gold watch I lost? - I'll never need this.
I'm not going anywhere.
Because I love you.
- I love you too, baby.
As much as the first time I said Toi yeu ban mai mai.
- Toi yeu ban.
You wanna count it? - Yes.
- Oh, looking good.
- So Not super proud of what went down last night.
Ken seems like a perfectly nice gentleman.
Comedy-wise, I think The fund-raising crowd's a little easy.
But there is a possibility That I may not be immune to jealousy.
- What is wrong with us? We trust each other, right? - Totally.
Honey, yes.
It's justWhen another man makes you laugh - And when you were hiking with someone With perfect hiking legs, and big, fake breasts.
- I don't think those were fake, were they? - Maybe don't die on that hill.
- Um, we need to make some rules.
- Okay, that's a good idea.
Like what? - Like when you're chatting online with another man I get it.
You're human.
If he makes you laugh, you're gonna "L.
" The "OL" save for me.
- Fair enough.
You may hike with another woman As long as she is much older than you.
Like it's a boy scout situation.
Like you're doing a good deed.
- That is-- this is good stuff.
All right, let's talk about butts.
- Okay.
- Um, may we stare at them? - I would like that as an option.
You know, we should really write this down.
- Yeah, I'll get a pen.
- Okay.
- It's nice to be back in good standing.
- We're deluxe members now.
It costs a little more, but we get our name on a plaque And special visors.
- Aren't you guys worried About blowing through your rainy day fund? - Yeah, what if you run out? - Oh, my god, go open an I.
R.
A.
, you two.
- Great shot, Dave! Here's a little something for you.
Julia Thanks for being a great sis.