Personal Affairs (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

You have five minutes to find Van Gelder and bring him here.
Jane? Who'd want to snog the face off that? I don't need you any more.
I think I may be in love - and it's utterly hopeless.
No Bob.
Sorry?We've split.
He was having an affair.
Whoever the hat fits, that's our man.
That's your hat!Yeah.
Simon's Adam Hartmann! If you are not back here, I will shoot Sid.
This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
Rock! MUSIC PLAYS, CHATTER Drunken fool! I'm so sorry, Mr Hartmann.
Sorry? You've made my night!Where's Simon? Excuse me Have you seen Rock? Have you seen Rock? I don't have time for this! Shit SUPPRESSED SOBBING Babe! You is looking well hot! Robbie, have you seen Rock? No - and I don't care.
But I do care that you are not wearing a bra tonight! Go away! Midge! Midge! Have you seen Lucy? DOOR OPENS I can't.
I'm sorry.
I can't find Rock! I need more time.
Please don't shoot Sid! Can't find him? Did you not hear what I said? I want him here NOW! Or would you rather that I fucking killed you?Hey, come on! You're no murderer.
Aren't I? Don't you dare try and save me, Simon - Adam Hartmann, whoever you are! Be quiet! What are you talking about? Shut up! Shut up all of you! GUNSHOT, SCREAMS 21st century life I got swept away I got 21,000 things That I gotta do-oo-oo today ♪ 21st century life ♪ MIDGE SOBS Please, let us go.
What, before I've had a chance to thank you for the lovely gift you so thoughtfully planted in my bag? Hmm! How did you get out? Uncle Moray - QC.
Crawford, let us go.
What about your mother? What's she gonna think of her son, the murderer? My mother died of a massive heart attack, after you had me arrested.
So who's the murderer now? Robbie!All right, mate? Oh, no, thanks Top talent here tonight.
Reckon I'm deffo on for a pull.
How about you? Seen anything you like? Midge? Is she about? Ah! You have very fine taste, sir.
Michelle Lerner, eh? Nice.
Easily the best ride here, tits you'd be happy to drown in, and, best of all, she never says no.
Psycho!Come on, lads What's wrong with you?I'm sorry.
I'm sorry!Fucking dickhead! Nice one! Why so silentmy love? It's all right, I don't blame you.
I know that Rock's poisoned you against me cos he's a manipulative disgustingshit.
It wasn't Rock's fault .
.
your mother losing her money.
She wanted to gamble.
He was just doing his job.
I can't believe you're saying this! It's like I'm in some fucking nightmare.
Some terrible things have happened to you, Crawford, but If the police find you here, that's it.
Give it to me and run.
Go back to Highfields.
They can help you.
I am truly sorry your mother's dead .
.
but shooting Rock won't bring her back.
Trust me No fucking way! What the FUCK are you doing? Crawford, no! MIDGE SCREAMS Your world is going to end! Get off her! Get off! Clayton, take him down, stay with him.
I'll have a word with the big man, but I'm guessing he won't want the place crawling with bizzies till the party's over.
I'll take care of things here.
Dad You're OK.
You're OK.
MUSIC, CHATTER Here you go.
Grace! Hello.
I thought something had happened to you.
I thought you were dead.
I'm sorry.
Where did you go? How's your fiance? Nothing's changed then.
Grace, I don't want to give a shit about what people think about me, and I've tried.
I just can't.
You never even gave us a chance.
Well, I'mgoing away To France, tonight.
It's permanent.
What? I've nothing to stay here for, have I? No.
Richard's waiting for me.
I'd better go.
Here.
Thank God you found us.
Thank Grace, you mean.
Grace? Dad, I think you need a sweet tea.
Grace is back! She came to find me, told me what was happening with you and that nutter.
She's escaped? SimonShit! Dad, I've got to go.
I haven't finished yet!Hurry up! Hi.
Hey.
Have you got any lipstick? Thanks.
I seem to have lost my husband.
Have you seen Simon? Congratulations, by the way.
I hear Richard's finally making an honest woman of you.
I did well, didn't I? Got myself the perfect man.
Once upon a time, I thought I had one of those too.
Why do you stay with him? I love him.
But he'll never love me back.
Pathetic, isn't it? Pay no attention to me! I'm just wildly jealous of you and Richard.
Thanks.
He's obviously crazy about you.
TANGO MUSIC PLAYS I've got you back.
No.
Luce What you doing here? Look, it's the only way.
You're not returning my calls Piss off.
Fucking piss off! Where is she? How did she get away from Simon? And why did she come here if she knows he's here? Why hasn't she rung us or texted us or found us, and what the bloody crapping hell is going on? Lucy! Not in front of the clients! Sorry.
Perhaps it's best if you left, before you embarrass yourself and the department.
I ain't scared of you no more.
Turns out you're human, just like the rest of us.
I understand now why you're such a bitch to me.
You're jealous.
Cos I'm proud of who I am, even the crap bits.
But you You're too scared to be who you really are.
What?I know about you and Grace.
Everyone knows she was working for me.
I saw you kissing.
That's hilarious - and slanderous.
I pity you.
Who cares if you're gay? There's Rachel, for God's sake! You go around spreading rumours like that, I swear I'll kill you.
Yeah! Been there, done that tonight already.
There you go.
Thanks.
Hey, birds.
Heard you were single again.
Oh, yeah? I heard you were still a knob.
Nice(!) You know, perhaps Midge's dad mistook Grace for somebody else? Why didn't we get him to help us find Simon? Cos I have no plans for any of us to lose our jobs.
Before we ruin the Hartmann family's glittering night, we need to be certain about our facts.
Well, we are certain - aren't we? Right.
Let's just find Grace and get this nightmare over with.
I love Rock.
OK.
Right, I'm gonna look over there.
So I'm betting you like it kinky, yeah? Bit of S&M, bit of leather and that Not got a pair of them long shiny boots, have you? Stop objectifying my body and crawl back to your hole, caveman! Miss Darling! You're back! Oh, my God! Mr Van Gelder, how are you? I'm so very happy to see my favourite girly.
How you been? Fine.
Yeah? OK.
I have to run now, but we'll have a good old catch-up later.
Why are you running? Just All right, don't be long now, will you, Miss Darling? I'll tell Doris.
I can't believe you came here.
Are you insane? They know about us, don't they? What the hell are we gonna do now? You were late picking me up.
Then I get your ominous message.
I tried calling back like 100 times!All right, don't panic! It's OK.
It's gonna be OK.
There'sone or two complications we have to deal with.
The plan's still on? Yes, the plan is still on.
MUSIC, CHATTER MOBILE PHONE BEEPS Midge.
No joy.
She's "stalking out reception".
Let's check our floor again.
Lucius! It's a bad time, boss, but we'll catch up properly next week, yeah? Ah, yes.
About our little career chat My Aunt Drusilla sadly passed away this morning.
Ghastly tragedy.
Ergo, the funeral is in Hawaii.
I shall be there all of next week and perhaps the one after.
Darling, it's what she would have wanted.
Ebbles! Give the woman a break! What? There are other Lucys out there you can leech off.
This one's done her time.
Oh, shut up.
You punched my tit! Luce, Luce.
If you don't talk to me now, all right, I'm gonna take off all of my clothes right here in the middle of the party.
Make it quick.
I'm looking for someone.
Oh, right.
What, another bloke? You lost all rights to my personal life the moment you shagged some tart behind my back.
Baby, we fit, you and I.
We're like pieces of a jigsaw, our friends and our family We can't just break that up.
It's too good.
You're the one who broke everything! Look, I'm sorry, but you're carrying my baby.
I don't work without you, Luce.
Himself has something to say.
Lucius, I'm going to introduce you to Leo Hartmann this evening, tell him how fabulous you are.
It was all my idea - all Evie, you ravishing Venus.
Where is your papa? Um, on the terrace.
Have you seen my husband? Come along then, Looby Looby Lou.
There's something I've gotta do, but I'll be back, I promise.
Hurry! I'm leaving in 45 minutes.
Evie? Evie? SLOWER MUSIC PLAYS Just for a second.
You having as shit a night as I am? Suckmeoff.
No.
What? You'd rather I fuck you? Well, listen, I'd rather that too.
It's becoming a little tedious, waiting to try you out.
I'm afraid the drawbridge is up tonight.
Come on, baby.
You know you want me inside you.
Busy, busy! Can't stop.
I don't need saving!I can't believe you chose that twat over eBay man.
He's When he's all over you, don't you feel sick? I don't feel anything.
Rock.
Rock! Ah, Doris, hey.
I, er, didn't see you there.
Yes, you did.
What is it you wanted?I'm sorry, for, you know .
.
kissing you.
Oh, you did? I didn't notice.
Of course you noticed, Rock.
What's wrong with you? I'm super dandy.
Why can't you be real, for just one minute? I've no idea what you mean.
All this Texan, home-on-the-range bullshit.
What's hiding underneath? Who is Rock Van Gelder? Do you cry? Or scream? Or smash plates? Do you feel anything? Who are you to talk to me like that? Just look at yourself with that sulky face and those boots and all that ludicrous black crap you wear.
You're everything a woman should not be! As Miss Darling has returned to work, I see no reason for you to continue at Hartmann Payne.
Goodbye, Doris Siddiqi.
Grace? Yo dude!Hello.
Midge I'm sorry I freaked out about Talya.
I wouldn't expect you to understand.
You live on a different planet, doing what some bible written millions of years ago tells you to do, and it's bullshit.
Why didn't you tell me before? "Oh, hi, Avi Gellman.
I've not seen you for ten years and, by the way, "I've got a nine-year-old daughter!" Anyway, the point is, it's only been four days.
Why would I have told you? Because I want to know everything about you.
I'm gonna miss you when I'm in America.
America? I'm gonna be on this big, fancy TV talent show.
And it's definitely definite? Yeah.
I can't wait to get as far away from this place as possible.
I can't believe it! We've screwed up.
Simon's got Grace again.
He must have! Come on!Midge? I can't.
I can't face him.
Never again.
It's OK.
We'll text you, yeah? GRACE:No, you said "one or two complications"! SIMON: I know what I said.
Just do what I tell you, it's the only way.
Grace Grace! Grace! Grace! W-W-Wait, wait.
Simon!OK, OK! Are you going to use the whole roll? Oh - no.
Now tell us what the bloody hell is going on before my head explodes.
OK, yes, let's get it clear.
So, I had extensive plastic surgery, then married my own sister, before embarking on a torrid affair with Grace, who I then abducted.
Well, yes.
Brilliant.
Quick question.
Why would I go to all that trouble to marry my own sister and then sleep with all these other women? Cos you're a psycho! What other explanation is there? Anyway, where's the third musketeer, where's the intrepid Ara-midge? It ain't funny.
She can't bear you, she can't even bear to be in the same room as you.
Yeah, well, that's a shame.
LookI'm not Adam Hartmann.
I'm not Talya's father.
Anyone who knew Adam Hartmann would tell you there is no way I could be.
And we're supposed to just take your word for it? He's telling the truth.
Grace Grace! Grace! Grace Darling?Hello.
I'm Sid - Doris Siddiqi.
The temp.
I started the day you Where have you been? Are you all right? I'm quite all right, thank you.
You saved our lives before.
You know, Rock's office, man with a gun, my ex.
It's a long story, but thank you.
That's quite all right.
Now, I really must be Where are you going? France.
France? What about the others? You can't go without explaining, without saying goodbyeSid! You don't know anything about me.
Trust me, the girls will be better off with me gone from their lives.
Give them all my love, won't you? And if I don't go now, I'll miss my second plane today.
"Only connect!" "Only connect the prose and the passion and both will be exalted.
"And human love will be seen at its height.
"Only connect!" What? No, I didn't understand it either, till this week.
You see, I've never really "connected" with anyone, till I came here.
And you're right, I don't know you.
Butyou leaving, and like this It's wrong.
Running away is what I do best.
They're obsessed with finding you, they risked their lives.
Sid, don'tMidge was petrified, Lucy was ranting and raving, and Nicole, you know what she's like.
Yeah, well, as I've been here a lot longer than you, yes, I do know what she's like.
See, you feel it too.
You feel just the same about them.
But you were in Adam's email account, it was your hat at Grace's house, the night she disappeared.
Why were you at Grace's house? Please, for the last time just forget all this.
EVIE, IN DISTANCE:Simon? It's what she wants.
Forget what? So you're alive then?Who is he? Who is Adam Hartmann? I'm afraid that would be me.
I thought you were going to the airport.
Change of plan.
You were right.
I couldn't leave without explaining.
You're Adam Hartmann? How? Your face, your voice.
It started at school.
I was a complete fuck-up.
I was allwrong.
Simon and I were best friends.
He was the only one that could keep up with me.
How could you? All these years, I thought I killed you.
You did kill me! You were the first person I told, the only person I trusted.
You didn't want to know! What did you expect? What do you think Daddy would have said if you'd told him you were planning to become a woman? Well, you never let me find that out.
And you? You knew all along? He was my best friend.
You had the whole world to disappear into, why come back here? Well, I I saw an advert in The Times.
Look, I only intended to do the interview.
I never anticipated meeting Rock and you.
Evie.
It's me.
Tell me you're pleased, just relieved I'm alive? My brother's dead.
You're just a Frankenstein monster.
Evie And you lied to me.
Stay away from me, both of you.
Stay away from me! Grace!No, Midge! What's going on? Hey.
Crap party or what? And all the birds are frigid.
No offence.
Kiss me.
I can't do this.
There's something wrong with me.
Hey, there's nothing wrong with you.
I mean, you're well fit, it's just It's justyou're my boss.
And your fiance's out there somewhere.
God, what am I doing? Come here.
You're just a bit .
.
I dunno, confused at the minute.
All the stress and that, you know? Grace going missing.
That must have been hard on you.
Why would that be hard on me? Well, no reason.
I just mean like I just kinda You know, you know about Grace and me? Yeah.
Yeah I do.
Jane, come on Just leave me alone.
Listen Shit! Well, I left you a note.
There was no note.
It was addressed to you.
Well, you could have called.
Well, before I got a chance, Simon told me you'd found out about Adam.
I'm moving to France, it's for the best.
I've caused enough trouble.
What, you're gonna find another group of people to screw up? It's not like that.
It's exactly like that! If you hadn't sat there fabricating conspiracy theories because I leave the office for two hours, I wouldn't be in this position.
My God! I mean you are at my flat, you're rootling through all my personal things.
I mean, was there nothing else going on in your lives?Excuse me! I was offered the Associate job, but they took it away again costhey found out I was pregnant.
Oh, Lucy, that's Bob had an affair and we've split, Nicole fell in love with a man over the internet.
I did not.
And now she's dating the richest wanker in the country.
Sid tried to rip off the company with her bonkers ex, who held us up at gunpoint - thanks for trying to save us - and Midge found her 9-year-old daught Daughter? Oh, sorry, don't you remember? Remember what? Ten years ago? Hartmann Payne Christmas party? I'm sorry.
Sorry? You're sorry? That doesn't even begin to Oh, God, this is so screwed up.
This is so totally screwed up.
Look, it doesn't have to be.
How can it not be? How could you lie to me? Come into work every day, knowing.
Midge, I had no idea, I promise you.
That night, I do vaguely remember a girl.
I wascompletely out of it, that's the lowest I've ever been.
The next day was the day that I decided to become a woman.
Oh, glad I could help(!) Midge, I will do anything to help you get through this.
And how do you think a nine-year-old girl is gonna feel when she finds out her dad's a woman called Grace Darling? It's a stupid name.
I should've known it was fake.
Just like you.
Midge, please.
Look, I'm still me.
Who are you? The guy who seduced me and screwed me up? Cos that's what you did.
God, get away from me! Midge! Midge! I understand.
I understand it all.
You fuck things up and you run.
I've known many people like that in my life, but I never expected you to be one of them.
Just goes to show, I'm still a terrible judge of character.
I am going to stay.
No, you're not.
You're going to leave.
Now.
But, NicoleI can't risk you hurting Midge again.
RACHEL, IN DISTANCE:Come on, Ebbles, the dancefloor needs you! IAIN, IN DISTANCE: How can I resist you It's all right, you don't have to stay.
Ah You're all right.
Hey, what's up? I'm not good enough for you.
You're wonderful! You're strong, you're clever and you look after me, I don't know what I'd do without you.
I've made a mistake.
It's just pre-wedding jitters.
No, it's not.
I don't think we have a future together.
Why are you sabotaging this? Because I don't love you, Richard.
Come on darling, time for a stiff drink, then you're going to stay at mine tonight, OK? Hey, where the fuck have you been? Let's get out of here, before I die of boredom, yeah? Well, you go.
I'm staying.
Can't you dump Hairy, Chavvy and Tits for a change? Don't know why do you hang out with those peasants anyway.
Fitz, fuck off.
It's over.
I don't want to see you any more.
What, so you're dumping me? Yes.
Goodbye.
You stupid whore! I should have told you the truth and I am sorry Simon, now is not the time.
Actually, now's the perfect time.
What your wife said about you was spot on.
You're disgusting and I hate you.
MidgeNo, don't.
Midge! Why aren't you at home? It's Shabbos now, isn't it? I couldn't get through the weekend without asking .
.
could I please take you out to dinner? It's the religion thing, isn't it? I mean how could I expect you to change for me?Avi, don't.
It's not you, it's me.
That old chestnut.
No, I'm not bullshitting you.
Oh, Avi, your timing's spectacular! You've no idea how lucky you are.
It's all so simple.
There's just you and the future and no mess.
And my life - my God! Well Thank you.
No, thank you.
What for?For coming back into my life when you did .
.
and for helping me to feel like me again.
Please can we still be friends? Er, yeah.
Always.
Where's Iain?He had to go.
Great(!) FARTING Iain Iain! Aah! Nanny, at least put some butter on the handle Iain, it's me.
You're at the party, you passed out.
Hell and damnation.
I'm late.
My carriage? No, not until you've introduced me to Leo Hartmann.
You promised.
O-Of courseWhat? I'm utterly hopeless, aren't I? Just one wretched protuberance of idiot.
I know what you're doing and I'm not in the mood for emotional blackmail.
I am abominable.
I know you all laugh at me.
Iain the buffoon.
No, we don't No, no, you're right to.
You see, the thing is, I'm not terribly good at this real world lark.
If it wasn't for you, dearest Lucius, Leo would have kicked my useless derriere into the gutter.
You see that's what I am without you, Lucy.
I'm useless.
That ain't true.
You just don't try.
Come on, Lucy.
Let's find Leo, propel you into the stratosphere.
You know what? Another year with you won't kill me.
You're sure?Yeah.
Get out of here, before I change my mind! Thank you, Lucy.
Evie's not going to let me near the kids.
And Leo, he's bound to kick me out of here.
Everything I touch turns to fucked.
I push everyone away .
.
and I know I'm doing it but I can't stop.
What am I going to do without her? Every time I close my eyes I see you with her.
Feeling her, touching her, and it makes me feel sick.
Why did you have to spoil everything? Luce, I swear, I will spend the rest of my life making you and our baby happy.
Please, I'm sorry, I can't cope without you.
DOOR OPENS Hard copies of work I've done this week.
You know, money markets, the sky at night and cheese, I'm your man, but when it comes to I am so sorry for what I said to you in the hallway.
Bye.
Sid.
I'm not Sid.
I'm Doris.
Just plain, ordinary Doris.
Oh, no, there is nothing ordinary about you.
I can't.
I can't Oh, I can't, I can't do this.
Rock Van Gelder is a terrible man.
No.
Well, sometimes.
I mean, he's socially inept and always says the wrong thing, and has ideals that died out 50 years ago.
But he's also kind and clever and very, very sweet.
And it's pure insanity, because I've only known him a week, butI think I'm in love with him.
I'll let you get back to your stars.
No, no, I don't want to.
I want to be here.
Tonight.
With you.
We have to sort this out, Jane.
There's nothing to sort out.
Please, Richard, Just do yourself a favour and stay away from me.
Tell me what you need and I will give it to you.
I just want to be left alone.
Jane, don't.
Why did you do this to me? Make me fuck up my life? We fell in love.
I don't love you.
If I'd stayed a man, would that have made a difference? It's not meant to be like this.
A man should love a woman, and a woman should love a man.
No, people love people.
And we love each other.
VOICE IS HEARD OVER LOUDSPEAKER And that's all that matters No, Daddy! I'm so sick of labels.
I don't know what I am, but I know who I am.
And I want you and I know you want me.
So why can't we just be together? Because it's not right.
Who says it's not right? Jane, Jane how many people get to feel like this their whole lives? We love each other, that's all that matters.
Is it thatsimple? Yes, it's that simple.
What the hell?! I'm sorry.
Jane! Jane Oh, Jane, I know it seems bad right now, but Listen to me, please, Jane.
Grace, are you OK? Jane.
(Jane, I love you.
) GUNSHO MIDGE: We were PAs in the same office, that's how we all met.
And we spent our days kissing arse or saving arse.
It was simple and fun and boring.
That's real life, isn't it? And then something terrible happened.
And things can never be the same again.
Has Bob bought you another prezzie? Business cards.
Ooh, fancy shmancy.
Can I have some? Saying what? "Midge Lerner, Personal Airhead"?Funny(!) "Lucy Baxter, Associate"?! Congratulations, Mrs Baxter.
Iain wanted to tell you in person, but, well, no matter.
You are our new Associate! How? Doris told me how you saved the company's reputation on two occasions.
So the least we could do was create a position for you.
IainYeah, well he only agreed to "release you" if I promised you'd primarily be working with him.
I bet he did.
I don't believe it! Oh, my God! Collige virgo rosas! So I told Simon Wanker my American dream is officially on hold.
Definitely the right decision.
Well, I've got to convince Esther of that.
She only wants me to see Talya like once a year.
What about you, Sid? What are you going to do? With the greatest respect, I hope Grace returns.
I assume you've all spoken with her? No, we haven't.
Oh Well, I have, on several occasions.
You know I don't give a Sam Hill what that girl is, animal, vegetable or mineral.
She's a damned fine PA.
Sorry.
Nicole.
It's for you.
"Dear Nicole, Lucy and Midge, "something's happened and I need to get away for a couple of days.
"And when I come back, I'll explain everything.
"And when I have, please know, I love you all.
"Grace.
" Hello.
The thing is, I'm sorry.
I've been saying that a lot, the past fortnight.
Especially with my father.
We have issues, which is the understatement of the year, but I think we might pull through.
And now Rock wants me back working for him.
And I know you said you didn't want me here, but .
.
I wondered whether we could start again.
This office, all of you, is the closest thing to feeling I'm home I've ever had.
And I don't want to lose you without a fight.
I'm so sorry about Jane.
Thank you.
No more bloody secrets, all right? I promise.
Guess who's an Associate?No! WOMAN WITH AMERICAN ACCENT: Smarten up, Little Rock.
It's time to meet your pa.