Pete Versus Life (2010) s01e05 Episode Script

This week on Pete Versus Life, the would-be sports hack faces some truly terrifying opponents at the top of their game.
There's his best mate's girlfriend, Trish.
She works nine to five but unlike Dolly Parton she loves every minute.
Magazine supremo, Giles, he seems a charmer but he once bitch slapped Jimmy Nail with a toilet seat.
And editor Tony angry at the world since he lost a testicle paintballing.
Let's see how he gets on in Pete Versus Life.
Welcome.
I'm Colin King.
And I'm Terry McIlroy.
You join us with Pete on his way to a bar, but he's dawdling.
What's going on? Well, Colin, he's arranged to meet Ollie and his new girlfriend, Trish, and he's trying to make sure that there's no chance of being stuck on his own with her.
So he doesn't like her? No, on the contrary, he fancies her so much his brain turns to cottage cheese.
Oh, she's on her own.
Pete, hi.
Why's everyone so late? 'This could get very awkward.
' Oh, hello, Trish.
'What's he going to go for?' Do you want a drink? No, I'm all right.
Oh, go on.
No, I'm fine.
I'm paying.
Yeah, I know, but I'm fine.
Oh, go on, line 'em up.
I know you like a drink.
'Well, no young lady likes to be called an alcoholic, 'but going to the bar could buy him some time.
'Oh, but the barman's right there and he's being served immediately.
'He's normally there for a good ten minutes 'before he gets noticed.
'I think his record is 23 minutes and on that occasion 'it was a nine-year-old that got served ahead of him 'and her head didn't even go above the bar.
'Woeful.
'But somehow he's managed to think up two concrete conversational ideas.
'Last night's telly, and whether or not there's a Beast of Bodmin Moor.
'After that, Colin, we're very much into blurred territory.
'Looks like Trish has got company.
She's being hit on and she's not enjoying it.
'Aye, just look at that body language 'the crossed arms, minimal eye contact.
'She's closed for business 'and she doesn't want any deliveries from him.
' Giles, I have a boyfriend.
Hello, Trish.
And here he is now.
Oh, look at that, 'Totally unexpected.
' So sorry.
It's really all right, Giles.
No, it's not.
I get a few drinks in me, then I start behaving like this.
Unforgivable.
It's how I destroyed my marriage.
I promised myself I'd stop and now you've done it again, Giles.
You've let yourself down.
When will you learn? 'For a split second there, Pete thought his nascent feelings for Trish were being reciprocated.
'And considering the small amount of time, Pete got a long way into a fantasy future.
'Extraordinary, considering up to now Pete has found the idea of children terrifying and repellent.
' Actually you'd be well within your rights to just take me outside and punch my lights out.
Do it, please.
No, no, I'm not doing that.
Trish is a beautiful girl and if it wasn't you, it would be some other lechy old man trying his luck.
Oh, I'd hardly call Giles a lechy old man.
He's a senior managing editor where I work.
He personally controls a budget of over £35 million and he was the youngest ever member on the EPC board.
Perhaps you should have got off with him, then.
You're such a lovely couple.
I can't believe I did that.
Giles, it's fine, it's forgotten.
Isn't it, darling? Oh, hello.
Oh, hello, Ollie.
Ollie.
Giles, this is my boyfriend's friend, Ollie.
Ollie, this is Giles, my senior managing editor.
And this is my girlfriend.
Yeah, I know, we've met.
So nice to see my old mate Pete finally hooked up with a lovely girl.
Ah, she's the best.
Oh, you are.
Just remind me, Pete, where did you two meet again? On the internet.
Well, Trish put in all her requirements for her ideal man and then, whoop, out I popped.
Yes, you did.
Hey, hey, steady on.
Public place and everything.
Oh, Ollie, I used to be like you, seeing couples kissing in public used to make me want to chuck my guts up and now, here I am, doing it with Trish in front of you.
So, what do you do for a living, Pete? I'm a sports writer.
Well, one of our best selling titles is a sports magazine.
Well, what do I have to do to get an interview? You don't need an interview.
I've seen enough of you to know what you're like.
Oh, well, bloody bollocks to you, then.
I think he's trying to offer you a job, Pete.
Oh, magic! 'Well, this is a day I thought I'd never see.
'At quarter to eight on a Monday morning and Pete, clean-shaven, 'and ready to leave the house.
'Yeah, Giles as good as his word with that job 'and now Pete's a junior staff writer on Sick As A Parrot.
'It's his first proper salaried job, he's come in from the cold, 'national insurance payments, the lot.
Something unusual about you at the moment.
Well, I've got a job.
That's not it.
You've got a woman.
No, I haven't.
Yes, you have.
If you haven't got a woman there's a woman you want.
Don't be ridiculous.
I can smell it on you.
I worked with enough goats on my father's farm to know.
Oh, shut up.
You are ready to rut.
Shut up.
No, you reek of sex, Pete, reek of it.
No, I don't.
It's probably just that dressing gown.
Get out of the way, some of us have got a job to go to and don't go looking through my stuff again, all right? All right? 'Well, Pete certainly has got grounds to be suspicious as he's caught Kurt 'in his room several times before.
'But it does mark an improvement in his behaviour.
'Back in Zimbabwe he used to set fire to buildings.
'Well, there goes Pete's last Pot Noodle.
' Hi, Trish.
Hi, Pete.
Listen, I'm sorry about all the kissing the other night.
It was just really the only way I could let Giles down gently.
That's OK, don't worry about it.
It's just if I piss him off I could set my career back 18 to 22 months.
Hey, listen, if it's about your career then you can count on me.
Sorry, he looked important.
He's the postman.
Yeah, but we can't be too careful, can we? 'He's enjoying this.
You know what, Terry? I think he's falling in love with her.
'Ooh la la.
' This is it, Sick As A Parrot.
Wow, it's amazing.
Oh, Tony, come on over.
Foosball.
Giles? Yeah, Tony the editor, this is Pete Griffiths.
It's a pleasure to meet you, I'm a massive fan of the magazine.
Never bought it, but I enjoy flicking through it in the shops.
Pete's your new staff writer.
For here? Yeah.
Blood hell, Giles, I'm the editor, I hire my own staff.
Maybe I should go? No, no, that's fine.
There's no need to be like that, Tony.
Pete's an exceptional young man.
We don't even need another writer.
You're always doing this.
It completely undermines my authority.
Yes, well I hear what you're saying, Tony, but I had to follow my gut.
It makes me look so weak, so ineffectual in front of my own staff.
Yes, I'm so sorry.
Look, I've done it now, so golly, what are we going to do? Tell him there isn't a job.
No, I'm not going to do that.
Um Well, the only thing I can think is that you just live with it.
What do you think, Tony? Oh, bloody hell, Giles Well, looks like I'm stuck with you.
So, have I got the job? Er Brilliant.
'So, coming up to lunch time 'and Pete not comfortable in an office environment, 'and struggling with his first assignment,' a 2,000 word article on any aspect of football.
It's always hard when you're given a general topic like that, you've got no starting point.
I mean, I have the same problem with my column in The Sun.
Isn't that written for you? Yeah, but they tell me it's very tricky.
'And not even Pete's lucky Gazza able to help.
'He had that in his pocket the night he lost his virginity and ever since regarded it as a lucky charm, 'although when the girl found out he carrieda plastic Gazza, she dumped him.
'Ooh, unlucky.
' A lot of my colleagues have been saying you look like a farmer in a suit, but I think you look quite smart.
I thought it was what you wore if you worked in an office.
Yeah, like 30 years ago.
Tell you what, buy me a drink and I'll tell you what decade it is.
I'm Jane by the way.
I'm Pete.
Yeah, we all know you, Mr Miami Vice.
Anyway, about this drink? Oh, no, I can't tonight, I'm going out with my mates.
Well, some other time, then.
'Oh, that couldn't have been more on a plate 'if it was garnished with tomato sauce.
'But he's only got eyes for one girl 'at the moment and here she comes 'He's got her dressed as 'Russian tennis ace Maria Sharapova.
'Aye, Maria's a belter, isn't she? 'Lasses as fit as her, Colin, 'should be paid just as much as the fellas.
'They all should be, Terry, 'regardless of physical appearance.
'That's not going to happen, is it? 'I could beat half of them.
Stop it, Terry.
' Hi, Pete.
Hello, Trish.
I just got a text from Ollie and he says that he might be a bit late for lunch.
Oh.
Hello, Trish.
Mmm.
Who's this? Valerie, hi.
This is my new boyfriend.
Ah, Trish told me you were mixed race.
'Oh, dear, now they hadn't thought of this had they, Terry? 'No, Trish obviously described Ollie.
' Ollie, there he is, handsome chap.
Yeah, he's not my cup of tea, but catnip to the ladies.
That's because I am mixed race and I'm proud of it.
Well, you don't look mixed race.
Well, I've got curly hair and some of us come out paler than others, so Really? Oh, there you are, then.
OK, I'll see you later, then, Trish.
Bye.
Mixed race? God, of course.
Stupid Giles, how did I miss that? Well, look, I hope I haven't said anything to offend you? No, no, not at all.
OK, well, if I do, you must pick me up on it straight away.
I don't get caught up with all that PC nonsense, all right.
Cheers, Pete, much appreciated.
I'm glad to have caught the two of you.
I've got some news.
Trish, I'm making you deputy editor.
Oh, you're kidding? Oh, that's fantastic.
Fantastic! I'm just so pleased I got my hooks into her in time.
Let me take you to lunch and tell you about it.
We're not doing anything, are we? We're supposed to be meeting Ollie for lunch.
That doesn't matter, I can text him later.
Where shall we go? Let's push the boat out.
How about my club? Yeah, sod him! 'Well, that was quite a lunch, two and a half hours.
'But why is Pete so much squiffier than the other two? 'Simple, Colin, he drank more.
'Woof, reminiscent of the great George Best.
'Hats off to Pete.
' Thank you.
Now look, no going back to the office? Mmm? Straight home, both of you, and here's some money for a cab.
Oh.
Oh, brilliant.
Well done again, Trish.
Do you know, you can spend your whole life looking for the one and you two have found each other already.
I found the one, but I tossed her aside like an old kebab wrapper for a bit of fanny at the Premier Inn, Gatwick.
Well, we won't make that mistake.
You better not or you'll be wearing your testicles as earrings.
That doesn't sound very hygienic.
'Well, this is the first time Pete's been in a taxi 'while the Tube's still running.
' What a day.
Yeah.
I just hope the fact that you had to spend lunch with me instead of Ollie didn't ruin it for you too much? What? No, no, I think this has been one of the best days of my life.
Really? Yeah.
I feel like this could be the start of something really big.
Oh, that's exactly how I feel.
I've always really fancied you and I could sort of tell by the way you were kissing me back there that you felt the same too, but it's just so great to hear you say it.
Look, we both really like Ollie, he's a really great guy, it's a nightmare situation, but are we going to ignore the fact that we're in love? I was just Pete! I was talking about my promotion.
Ah So was I.
'Well, if he had any dignity, he'd get out of that cab right now.
' But it'll take more than that to get him out of a free taxi.
We're back after these.
Welcome back, and Pete's just had a rather frosty and silent walk to work with Trish, who's fuming about the events of Friday.
She's making a bit much of it.
Back in my day, your mate's girlfriend would be offended if you didn't make a pass at her.
Not strictly true, Terry.
Didn't Stan Bowles's wife have a restraining order put on you? No, that was just her flirting.
Trish, I'm really sorry about the other day.
It was the booze.
Bollocks.
I've seen the way you moon around me.
Well, you're very pretty.
Oh, please - you've fallen in love with me.
Well, I'm not any more.
Did you honestly think that a pasty-faced loser with the social skills of a masturbating chimp would ever stand a chance with a girl like me? Why do you say "masturbating chimp"? From now on, I don't want you even speaking to me outside work.
Yeah, all right.
Why don't we, like, engineer some sort of a break-up? No.
No, God knows why, but for some reason, Giles thinks we have something magical.
Oh, sh Oh, I'd love to go to Paris.
Valerie, hi! Oh, looks like Valerie's had her wart lasered.
Nice job.
Right, just so we're crystal clear, I don't give a fuck about you or your feelings.
My only interest is how much you can help my career.
Well, you're never going to get a husband with that attitude.
Well, as it turns out, Trish, not so much Maria Sharapova, more her fellow countryman, Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin.
Well, Pete looking a bit down in the dumps, but let's not forget, he did think that he was in love with her.
And the icing on the cake? Someone's nicked his lucky Gazza.
Hello.
Hello, Peter, it's your dad.
Oh, hi.
Me and your mum have come to see the new Steven Soderbergh film, but your mum's had a look at the synopsis and gone cold on the idea, so we're off to see a romcom.
Long story short, we've got an hour to kill, we thought we'd pop in and see you.
Ugh Pete, a word, now.
Just a sec.
Well, ask him if he wants a sandwich.
Now! Look, I've got to go, all right.
Got to go.
Bye.
Oh! This article of yours, is this some kind of joke? Don't you like it? England Footballers - Too Thick To Take Penalties.
Well, yeah, it's true.
Look at the Germans.
They're much better educated, they never miss a penalty.
Our lot leave school at 14, smash up Blue Peter gardens, they haven't won anything since the 1970s.
Apart from being nonsense, it doesn't fit the ethos of the magazine.
The ethos? Yes, you must have noticed that I've stamped my personality on the magazine.
Oh, yeah, no, the ethos.
No, I'm sorry, Pete, and this is one of the hardest parts of being an editor, and I'm in charge of seven people here, but I'm afraid I don't think this is going to work out.
Oh, hang on, Tony! Ah, there he is! Our new star writer! Have you read this? Only three times.
I love it! But it doesn't make sense.
Dangerous journalism at its very best.
Yeah.
And even if it was right, it just doesn't fit the ethos of the magazine.
Ethos?! Yes, we talked about this, you must remember? Oh, yes, I do, but leaving all that to one side, Pete is daring to say what everybody thinks.
England's footballers are as thick as pig shit.
No, this guy's getting his own column.
"Pete Griffiths, the journalist with backbone.
" Giles, I will have to consider my position very seriously indeed if you insist on doing this.
Really no need for that, Tony.
Let's just give Pete's column a go on a trial basis.
Now, how would you develop it? What would your next piece be? Why Scotland are shit.
And what's your theory? Well, Scotland, they used to be good and now they're shit.
That's not even a theory, that's just saying the same thing again.
I love it.
Then you can move on to Wales and Northern Ireland.
Yeah, exactly.
Then up to Brazil! No, cos Brazil are quite good, aren't they? Are they really? Mm.
Oh, good for them.
OK, Tony, let's make this happen.
Off you go then, chop chop.
Hey, how about, "Pete Griffiths, mixed-race journalist with backbone?" Will there be a picture? Yes, of course.
Oh, no, I think maybe just, "Pete Griffiths, "journalist with backbone.
" Yeah, yeah, quite right.
Don't want to exploit your ethnicity.
Look, I can't really stay long.
I'm sure, busy man.
Yeah.
I brought you a sandwich - coronation chicken.
Oh, thanks very much.
Well, your magazine must be doing really well to have a reception like this? Well, they'll have lots of different magazines in the building, won't they, Peter? Yeah, yeah.
Right, so I should probably Well, yeah.
We just wanted to say hello, really.
Yeah, all right.
And also we wanted to say, um, we're proud of you.
I, in particular, haven't always been 100% behind this sports writing thing, but I want you to know you've done well, son.
Oh, thank you.
That's really nice of you to come by.
No problem, son.
You keep up the good work.
I will.
Pete.
Ah, Giles.
Who's this? This is my mum and dad.
Mum and Dad, this is Giles, my boss.
Not giving you too much trouble? Oh, no.
He's a great lad.
I take it he's told you about his column? Column? What, he didn't mention it? No, he's been here less than a week, already got his own column! "Pete Griffiths, the journalist with backbone.
" Wow! And modest.
I can't believe you didn't tell them.
Well, you've obviously done a fantastic job of bringing him up.
Well, you can only do your best.
Yeah.
How old was Pete when you adopted him? No no, Pete's not adopted.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, I just assumed Well, Pete said he was mixed race Er Peter? No.
Mum's my real mum, but he's not my real dad cos my real dad, Mum's first husband, was a black man and he ran off when I was two, was it? Mum, bless her, she brought me up for the first couple of years and then she met him at a It was a dance, was it? It wasn't love at first sight, but they made it work and fair play to Dad for stepping into the breach.
I say Dad, I mean Frank, really.
Thanks, Frank.
You ungrateful little shit.
Oh, he gets very sensitive about the whole thing actually, Giles.
It's a shame you had to bring it up, really.
Mum gets very peckish mid-morning.
I'm so sorry.
Giles, you insensitive oaf, you've done it again! All right It's all right.
Some fancy footwork there from Pete, but at what personal cost? It looks like he'd better take his laundry elsewhere for the next couple of weeks, Col.
Pete, there, spurning the computer in favour of the pencil.
And that's Jane, the attractive Manc, who showed a bit of interest in him last week.
Get in there.
Hello, Jane.
Hiya.
What are you doing? What's it look like? Nicking stationery.
Do you want a stapler? Yeah.
You know the other day, when you were saying about going for a drink, I was just wondering if maybe you fancy one now? Oh, do you now? Yeah.
Oh, well, I don't know.
That was then, this is now.
Maybe I'm a lass who doesn't like being messed about.
Maybe I've mentally moved on.
Oh, well, I'll see you tomorrow then.
Oi, come back.
Get your coat, you've pulled.
Ding dong merrily on high, he's not going to forget that one in a hurry.
He's as keen as mustard and if we take a look at the road they took to get here, we can see why.
There was a very knowledgeable discussion about football on the way to the pub, it was her love of quality lager, plus the fact she's very funny and, more to the point, thinks he's funny.
Not always the case with Pete's young ladies.
The clincher was the films of the Coen brothers, Colin.
Pete's found somebody who hates them as much as he does.
And the rest is history.
Well, a magical moment there.
This room is amazing, it's like a boy's room.
You've got your flat-screen TV, Sky+, football posters, but it's tidy.
Never mind all that, half-time's over.
Oh, my word, that's his lucky Gazza! She's not shy about nicking stuff, as that stationery cupboard knows only too well.
Where d'you get that from? What, Gazza? Mm.
I've had him since I was a kid.
Come on, Pete, don't blow it.
He's got to get his priorities right here.
I mean, basically he's risking a fantastic relationship with a lovely lass against a plastic Gazza.
Think.
Use your loaf.
So, it's not a recent acquisition then? No.
My dad gave me him when I was ten, why? Oh, no reason, it's just nice not to see him in a mental hospital.
Good lad! You've only been going out two weeks! You can't move in with her.
When it's right, it's right.
I really feel like she could be the one.
But you hardly know her.
For all you know, she could be a serial killer.
Yeah, well she's not, is she? She's had plenty of chances to kill me already and she hasn't, so OK.
Well, going to be pretty lonely and bored and my men's support group isn't meeting at the moment.
Men's support group? Yeah, we just get together, talk, hang out.
What do you want to do that for? There's few forums where a man can talk sensitively about his feelings, and perhaps even cry, without fear of judgement, but unfortunately the chap who runs it has been done for kiddie fiddling.
I think we should break up, cos I've just met this really fantastic girl and she wants me to move in with her, but pretending to go out with you, it's really cramping my style.
No-one's breaking up with anyone.
Do you think you got your column because of your writing? How many other journalists have noticed that footballers are thick? You got it because we are the golden couple and we're going to stay the golden couple.
Clear? She's a witch.
She reminds me of Suzanne, my second wife, when she wouldn't divorce me.
Yes, although this is a pretend relationship, whereas your second marriage was very much real and ended up with Suzanne in hospital under sedation for six months.
But as soon as she got the house she was out swimming with dolphins.
Yeah, I think that was part of the therapy.
Well, if Trish won't dump him he's going to have to tell Jane about her and, yeah, I believe that's happening right now in the photocopying room.
Photocopier room, eh? You don't mess about, do you? No, no, no.
No, look.
I've got something to say.
All right.
What the bloody hell are you doing? Nothing.
You've got a girlfriend, for God's sake! You've got a what? Trish, downstairs.
She worships the ground he walks on.
I don't go out with Trish any more, and it was over before I met you.
No.
You're still going out with her, but you want a bit of slap and tickle on the side, just like I did.
When were you going to take her to the Gatwick Premier Inn? No, she's got her own place.
You've let me down.
It's all happening again.
I don't go out with Trish.
Right, let's go downstairs and see what Trish has to say.
Chop chop.
Giles, Pete.
Are you still going out with Pete? Yes, very much so.
No, we broke up days ago, do you remember? No, we didn't, we're still in love.
You bastard.
She's in denial, she's extremely clingy.
I found him snogging her in the photocopying room.
Peter, how could you? We've broken up! No, we haven't.
It's OK, I forgive you.
No, there's no need for that.
This guy's let us all down.
I've tried to be nice, but the fact is, I find you physically repulsive! Well, that doesn't matter, it's what on the inside that counts.
Can't you get it through your thick skull, you stupid bitch - it's over! I'm sorry, but I won't accept that.
I've had enough.
You're welcome to the bastard.
No, Jane, just Just wait there.
Wait a second, please.
Listen to me.
The thing about going out with Trish was made up, and I was about to tell you, but Giles came in! What do you take me for? Come on, you've got to give me another chance.
I gave you a chance when you stole my lucky Gazza.
You think I nicked that from you? Yeah, course you bloody did, but I don't mind.
Oh, you twat! To think you were going to move in with me! What, I still can, can't I? Uh! Well, where am I going to go? I've given notice on my room! All right then, Trish, I suppose we are still going out.
If you take this cockroach back, my respect for you will go through the floor and you will be looking for another job.
Pete, you're dumped.
You're not only dumped, you're sacked.
I don't care what the Race Relations people say.
Oh, no, well, what about my column? I'm the journalist with a backbone.
I want you and your backbone out of this building in 20 minutes.
Sorry.
And Trish, like a rat leaving a sinking ship, scrambles aboard the four-funnelled luxury liner that is Giles.
She's like a Somali pirate in a skirt.
Oh, and there's Pete's lucky Gazza, now Tony's lucky Gazza.
I must say Gazza didn't bring Pete much luck tonight.
Yeah, well, he didn't have it half the time, did he? Mate, I'm really sorry that it didn't work out with you and Trish.
If she's not down with my mates, she's not down with me.
She dumped you for Giles, didn't she? Yeah.
Right, bedtime, Pete.
Ollie, afraid you have to go.
What are you talking about? It's only ten o'clock.
Yeah, a bit late tonight.
Catch you later.
Catch you later, Pete.
See you, mate.
Oh, you have to excuse me.
Sometimes I scream out in the middle of the night.
So, time to say goodbye as Pete gets ready to bed down on a thin inflatable mattress, his room, of course, not available for another four weeks.
So, your highlights, Terry? It's got to be where Pete denied his own father.
Ungrateful little shit.
Yes, certainly not his finest hour.
The goats, they're coming for me.
Argh! Well, thank you for your thoughts as always, Terry.
Join us again next time when, once again, Pete takes on life.
Argh! Argh!