Pickle & Peanut (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Sharks, swords, yogurt, kicks Fries, smart phones, hot tubs, yeah Shades, bagels, grills, airbrush, chrome Blankets, mopeds, yes Drop top, laptop, breath mints, scars Kittens, wet skis, drive thrus, fresh Tight pants, wide screens, tacos, wheelies Freestyle, thrift stores, mini trampolines They call him Peanut They call him Peanut They call him Peanut Pick-pick p-p-p I'ya Chef Pick-a-roni.
Imma gonna slap you silly with-a my dumb chuck.
Hey, mon, you talkin' crazy.
You don't know nothing about my dumb chuck skills, boy.
Imma hit you inna your bottomless salad.
( both laughing ) See.
man.
For a fun Friday night, you just need some beef jerky and sock play.
Mamma mia, that's a-one spicy beardo.
Hey, our favorite commercial.
Eat a whole beast bucket, and get your picture on our Wall of Famous! Okay, bro, we're going to dominate that beast bucket, bro.
Wait.
Shut up.
Hey, guys, it's Spooks here.
This week's a real tingler.
Legend has it that long ago, a young girl was hideously deformed by a tragic squirrel mishap.
Now her soul is forever trapped in a mirror world.
It is said to conjure this ghastly ghoul, pour some summoning oil on your head, paint an all-seeing eye over your heart, then stare into a mirror, and call the apparition by name three times.
Gory Agnes, Gory Agnes, Gory Agnes.
( gasps, screams ) You'd never catch me summoning up any ghosts.
You're too scared to summon up a little ghost girl? Toot, toot .
Looks like you're a first-class passenger on the baby train.
I'm not getting on any baby train.
Toot, toot.
I'm gonna go get my oil.
You think this will really work? Yeah, yeah, we'll make that ghost girl appear in no time.
There we go.
I'm just gonna add one more here, - just to be sure.
- Great idea, Picasso.
Okay, man, this is it.
Get ready.
BOTH: Gory Agnes.
Gory Agnes.
Gory Agnes.
What a stinkin' rip.
Then we ran out of the bathroom and I haven't seen Pickle since.
He never misses a shift.
- Why would he leave me hanging? - Hi, Peanut.
Mr.
Mjart.
What's goin' on here? To ensure customer quality, I'm dressed like lady with bumbalumps.
Oh, and Pickle call in and say he's sick.
He can't make it.
Sick? Oh, man.
I had it all wrong.
I better go check up on him.
Run, boy.
Run like you have the wind.
Hey, Pickle, you okay? I brought you that soup you like.
Pickle.
( evil laughter ) Oh, hey, Peanut.
You know Agnes.
Remember when she spewed that black goo all over us? Turns out we have a lot in common.
We were just talking about how much we like cats.
I like the fluffy ones.
I hate fluffy ones.
They stink.
Oh, yeah, I meant they're okay, like, my least favorite ever.
Pickle, what's she doing here? I'm only here 'cause he's the first boy to ever call me back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on, Tiger, step into my office for a second.
Hey, look, look, I get it, man.
You're a handsome young fella, she's a ghost girl who makes me wanna puke everywhere.
We both like cats.
I know, big guy.
but you can't skip out on work just for some girl you're into.
Are we still on for Pizza Slop tonight? We're gonna beast that bucket.
I won't let you down.
Swear it on a pizza cone? Pizza pizza pizza pe Huh.
So Peanut, wasting more money trying to get on that Wall of Famous? You only have an hour to eat that whole beast bucket.
Oh, really, Ryan? That's so interesting.
You only got, like, ten minutes left.
- You should probably - I got this, Ryan.
After trying, like, 14 times, I think I know the rules.
So hush, you child.
Everything's gonna be all right.
So fetch me some breadsticks, and get your camera ready, 'cause I'm gettin' on that Wall of Famous.
I can't believe Pickle's blowing me off.
- That ghost girl really has her hooks in - ( door bell jingles ) Well, hey there, angel baby.
Sorry I'm late.
I knew you wouldn't let me down.
No more yappin'.
Start shovelin' pizza in your face.
Let's eat this trash.
You know, there's no one I'd rather be choking down pizza with.
I love choking with you.
( buzzing sound ) Sorry, man, gotta take this.
Hey, sticky buns.
Peanut and I were just You were supposed to call me an hour ago - to talk about my feelings.
- Sticky buns? Now, cuddle cake, don't think I forgot about our 30-hour anniversary.
- ( grunting sounds ) - Blaach! Enough! Emergency friendship tunnel.
- Have you lost your mind? - What's the problem? Your girlfriend, that's the problem.
She's taking over your life.
Hey, she makes a funny chipmunk face.
Show him your chipmunk face, Agnes.
- No! - Aw, come on, sweet pea.
Geez, all right, all right.
( chipmunk noises ) You let her in the friendship tunnel?! That's it.
I refuse to spend another second with you until that harpy is out of your life.
I refuse to spend another second with someone who can't appreciate a good chipmunk face.
Come on, Agnes.
Let's go do something.
( door closes ) Well, Peanut, your hour's up.
I'd take your picture if we had a Wall of Losers.
That'll be 40 bucks.
( sighs ) I know what to do.
( dialing sounds ) ( ringtone plays ) Hey, who dis? Hey, man, I got a problem, I could really use your help.
( phone beeps ) What about your parachute? Don't smother me, Sally.
Neighhhh!! Hey, man, glad you could make it.
Pickle made some ghoul chick his girlfriend and now, we're all blaaaah.
- So what am I - Sh! I don't get involved in affairs of the heart.
Her name was Leilani.
( sultry music plays ) (whispering ) Leilani.
Leilani.
Leilani.
( coughing ) Leilani.
You're on your own.
Leilani.
Champion's right.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
I overreacted.
Hopefully you'll forgive me, Pickle.
Hey, listen, Pickle, I'm really so Pickle! Pickle!! Well, this is the mirror world.
We have ghosts and junk around.
Here's our bottomless crevasse.
We put our recycling over there.
- Hello.
- Don't wave at her.
This is the DMV where we have to make Stop pulling my sweater.
This is the cave where I live.
- Ooh, nice.
- Don't judge me.
This is my brother's room.
You can stay in here for a while.
I keep my best cat lamp in there.
There's no TV, but you can mooch off of my neighbor's Wi-Fi.
Well, what are you in the mood to do? - You wanna get something to eat? - I was thinking maybe No, we're gonna get some food.
I want a hot dog.
First we have to make you presentable.
I'll get some of my brother's clothes.
I guess that's as good as it gets.
ALL: Hi, Agnes.
Hi, ladies.
This is the guy I was talking about.
- Yo.
- Yeah, whatever.
There's a store at the mall has a sale on bunny sweaters.
Oh, friends, I'm so gonna get on that.
Ooh, I'm going to the mall.
Look, boy, this is girl time.
You hang out here.
- Don't touch my stuff.
- Okay.
( sighs ) I came all the way out here to be with my girlfriend.
Now I'm stuck here clicking a cat lamp.
Mirror world is the worst.
Hey, Picks.
What are you doing here? Look, man, I'm really sorry.
I know you wanna be here with your girlfriend, so I figured this is where I wanna be.
Oh, one other thing.
I brought dem party supplies, mon.
Beef jerk.
Ah, Peanut, I've been a bad friend.
I feel like a real barf bucket.
I no wanna hear no whinin', boy.
Prepare to meet my bologna booty bumper.
( laughter ) ( growling ) What the Oh, no.
That was her favorite cat lamp.
Hey, don't sweat it, man.
She's your girl, she'll understand.
What is that dweeb doing here? You guys are Pickle, you idiot.
Oh, my feelings.
You can't talk to Pickle that way.
He didn't mean to break your lousy lamp.
And get your dang tail outta my face.
Never touch a lady's tail.
( distorted ) No! Loser! ( evil laughter ) ( stammering ) Dazzling, dazzling, dazzling.
Beauty, beauty, beauty.
( both gasping ) She's gorgeous! Pickle, my love, stay with me in the mirror world, and I'll make all your wildest dreams come true.
Are you kidding? No way, lady.
Uh, hey, listen, man.
She's actually pretty hot.
Maybe you should reconsider.
No, man, she's not worth it.
Listen up.
Me and my pal are going home, so keep this cool turtleneck, and my pants, and my hair.
- What if I do the chipmunk face? - ( chipmunk noises ) This is not about your chipmunk face, Agnes.
It's about treating people with respect.
Well, if that's how you feel, and I can't have you as my boyfriend, I'll eat your souls.
( screaming ) I guess you losers finally won.
That's right, Ryan.
So go slap that photo up on the Wall of Famous.
For pizza's that the top Come to Pizza Slop Wait, is that Gory Agnes? Not in the picture.
That is a mirror.
She's got a big hole in her head.
I can't believe this.
What an ending, guys.
I'm gonna have to go lay down.
Hey, Pickle, the wrestle-off's about to start.
Tell you what, brother.
No one tells the judge what he's done in the bathroom.
Not while I have my number one championship belt.
Order in the court! Pickle, I object to this behavior.
Objection overruled.
- Supreme Court suplex! - Oh, my neck! Oh, Peanut, are you okay? I'm okay, man.
You're just passionate about the law.
Oh, no, and I broke the couch.
My mom's gonna freak out.
Oh, dang, man.
What are we gonna do? Hey, are you in need of a new couch? Come to Couch Dracula's.
We have the finest in couches, sofas, sitting spaces, and laying-down areas.
So come to Couch Dracula's.
Blaah! ANNOUNCER: Couch Dracula's! ( mooing sound ) Come on, let's grab a couch before my mom finds out.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
There's a few things to keep in mind.
We can't be acting all desperate.
We want a couch, but we don't want them to know we want a couch.
Gotta throw 'em off track with a bunch of, like, maybes, and '"Yeah, I don't know about that one," and "Hmmm," ya know? Yeah, and we gotta get angry like we don't even like couches.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - How much money you got? - Forty bucks.
( imitating gunfire ) ( growling ) Welcome to Couch Dracula's.
You two growl boys looking to buy a couch? Maybe.
Maybe.
My dad will show you around the store momentarily.
Oh, velcome.
Customers! Come to see my couches in all their glory? Let's get started.
What if drowning was a pleasant experience? This is our swimming in the shallows couch.
Only $2,000.
- Yeah - I don't know.
I'll drop it down to 1,500.
- Maybe - Okay, very well.
Very well.
How about this lovely piece? The artisan named it Tubbies In Transit.
I'll sell it to you for $800.
( growls ) Maybe.
- Don't you see the cute little baby bottoms - I said maybe.
Okay, okay.
Very well.
On to the next one.
I think it's working.
Ooh, this couch seems like it might be right up your alley.
( gasps ) It's the same couch.
I'll sell it to you for $40.
I believe I need a moment to confer with my associate.
( whispering ) Oh, man, Pickle, this is perfect.
This is the couch, man.
It's $40.
Yeah, my mom will never even know it was ever gone.
This was written before our time.
Everything's pre-destined.
I spoke to my associate, - and I think that we're gonna take - What the heck? What is that over there? What?! Cup holders? A recliner! A phone jack? Oh, man, life is just beginning.
( both sighing ) Yes, this couch is kinda stupid.
How much would you sell this dumb couch for, 'cause it's so dumb.
This one is unfortunately not for sale.
Don't you want us to take it off your hands? I'm sorry, but no, it's not for sale.
All right, drop the act.
How much - I told you, it's not for sale! - Abort, abort.
Let me tell you why I can't sell.
Oh, please, won't anybody help me? My wife.
Excuse me one moment.
I'll be back before you can bat an eye.
( raucous laughter ) Hey, so Dracula's still not selling this couch, huh? How do you know? My pops has been clinging onto this thing forever.
Meet me out back and maybe we can make a deal.
I told you it was gonna work.
- Uh, how much do you want for it? - You guys got a 20? Oh, yeah, we got two of those.
Perfect.
Now one thing about this couch is don't get it dirty.
Don't ever Hey, baby, we're neat freaks.
Don't worry about a thing.
- Okay, I'm just trying - ( imitating gunfire ) Yeah, okay.
Bonjour.
This is Pierre, and welcome to Cheese Chef.
Yes, caller, you are on the line.
Bonjour.
I need to order one million dollars' worth of cheese.
Well, okay, I am here to service you.
How much of it can I cut? That's a lot of cheese to cut.
I'll be cuttin' the cheese all day.
Well, maybe I can cut the cheese for you.
You'll cut the cheese for me, Pierre? Hey, this Pickle? You do not call here anymore.
Sacre bleu! Yeah, man, sacre bleu.
( both laughing ) What are you doing? We just got this sofa.
What? I'm being diligent.
No, you're not.
You just dropped some.
I don't wanna have to get a new couch, Pea.
So what? It's just a few chips.
No big.
Huh? See, look.
Nothing's even there.
Huh? Ain't nothin' happenin' to this couch, buddy.
( groaning ) Hey, where'd the chips go? I don't have 'em.
A bowl of chips doesn't just disappear on its own.
Whatever.
I must be sleepy.
I'm gonna hit the hay.
See ya.
I guess I'll go to bed, too.
Hey, wasn't there a rug in here earlier or something? Must be losing my mind.
See ya tomorrow, man.
- ( snoring ) - ( doorbell rings ) All right.
I'll be there in a sec.
( yawning ) Good morning, Peansie.
Hey.
Thought I'd come over and dig into some couch.
Speaking of which, what's going on here, my man? You got that couch all in the corner.
Is that punishment? I don't remember doing that.
Huh, that's weird.
Okay, let's move it back into place.
( gasping ) It definitely moved on its own, right? I don't see anyone else around.
We gotta get that couch up outta here.
I think your plan to get rid of the couch is gonna work, Peanut.
Look.
Someone's already coming.
Oh, wow, looky here.
Free couch.
Come on.
It's not even haunted.
Come on! Today's my lucky day.
Whoa, she's taking it.
( screaming ) Ohmygoshwhattheheckholy?!! I can't believe it ate that person whole.
That thing's gotta take the worst dumps.
That's it, Peanut.
I've gotta call the cops or my mom or something.
Quick, go in the garage.
We gotta bust outta here.
It's not moving fast enough.
You can hold the door on your own, right? Okay, good.
Hurry up, Peanut.
It's stuck on something.
I need you to help me lift it.
I can't.
This thing's gonna bust through any second.
- Just book it, Pick.
- Oh, man! Go, go, go.
( both screaming ) Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man! Whoa! Why did you take my couch? Your daughter was the one that sold it to us.
I told you it wasn't for sale.
Hey, man, it's your couch that's tearin' my place up.
And I'm gonna tell everybody about your demented furniture.
No, no, no, no.
There's no reason for that.
Here.
Take a coupon.
After your 20th couch purchase, I'll give you one for free.
And look.
You're already on your way.
- Hey.
- Oh, cool.
There's something else you need to know.
The best way to contain it is to put it back where it came from.
The original plastic wrap from which it was born! - Why didn't we think of that? - I'm sorry.
Now listen.
You two need to go through the back door and distract the couch so I can sneak up on it.
Whoa! He's just watching TV.
( blubbering noises ) ( yelling ) Come at me, you beast! Save yourselves.
You think everything's okay? Yeah.
Maybe it just needed a human sacrifice.
Well, that's that.
Hey, you wanna get something to eat? Boop.
Oh, hey, it's Little Pickle.
We must've woken him up from his nap with all our couch antics.
Boop.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Little Pickle.
Come here.
Come here.
PICKLE: Good bird, little bird.
No, no! Come on, Pickle.
We gotta get outta here while we can.
No, Peanut.
We can't keep running.
We woke this terror, and now we have to end it.
This is pre-written.
- Get me my belt.
- Yes, Your Honor.
I'll tell you what, brother.
You're gonna have to answer to the judge for the crime of eating my Little Pickle, and trashing my mom's house.
I'm gonna warp you and send you back to the deep, dark hole you came from! Yuck! Little Pickle? ( laughs ) Pickle, I'm sorry I had to bash down the wall with the van and everything, but that judge thing was just taking too long.
It's okay, Peanut.
Sometimes you gotta take the law into your own hands.
( imitating gunfire ) Pickle, Peanut, you're my guardian angels.
How can I possibly repay you for saving my life? - With this.
- You've earned a free couch! A free couch?! My mom's gonna flip.
Oh, Couch Dracula, you are so kind.
Yes, I've got just the one in mind.
Well, there's no cup holders, but I guess it's kinda comfy.
Yeah, and the best part is, Mom will never find out we broke the old one.