Piece of Cake (1988) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
"The war has dragged on for nine months now," "and Hornet Squadron" "is still billeted at Château St Pierre.
" "Despite sporadic action," "this has become known as ''the phoney war''.
" "Two of our pilots," "Fitzgerald and Gordon, were married," "but the celebrations were interrupted" "by a surprise visit from the Luftwaffe.
" "Suddenly, the battle for France has begun.
" "Our losses have been crippling.
" "There has even been open hostility to Squadron" "Leader Rex, who was regretfully lost in action.
" "The other pilots blame themselves," "but there will be no inquiry," "and the Australian, Barton, has taken over.
" "The Germans are advancing," "and refugees have taken to the roads.
" "Fitzgerald and Gordon's young brides" "have been packed off to England," "but I fear nowhere is safe in this country now.
" W"ith our lack of Spitfires and spares," "it must only be a matter of time" "until the enemy realises" "how weak we really are.
" "Bring that in for me.
" Quick as you can, Flight.
Refuel and rearm them.
"You blokes ready?" Jerry's streaming through the Ardennes.
They're going to get a lot of trade.
- What did "you"get? - A couple of Junkers and a 1 09.
It's the big push, all right, so get in close, hammer the buggers and get out quick.
But please, don't take chances.
Lose these four, and we're out of business.
Any questions? I'd be too embarrassed to ask.
Pip, you're all right? Never been better.
Not a hundred per cent yet, but you know.
But fit for duty? Yeah, Doc says, ''Don't do anything stupid.
'' I think he means squash, not flying.
Good luck.
Thanks.
- Don't do anything rash, Haggis.
- Bugger off.
It's all right for you, Pip.
The COs never ask me if"I'm" OK.
- What's your problem? -Toothpaste.
I haven't cleaned my teeth for ages.
That's because I'm broke.
I haven't been paid for three weeks.
-Tough.
- How come "you've" got money? - Because I'm rich.
- Ah, well, that explains it! I've got masses of toothpaste.
I'm renting it out - tuppence a squeeze.
- No money.
- He'll lend you some.
- 50 francs, 33 per cent interest.
- Is that good? It's phenomenal.
I mean, I usually charge my friends ten per cent.
- It's very high.
- Well, you're a lousy risk.
That's why.
You're an incompetent fighter pilot with an airplane put together with string and glue.
Make it 50 per cent.
I'll tell you what, Sticky - it's a snip.
Don't chuck her around too much, sir.
The rudder cable's frayed.
Thanks a lot! - OK, I'll take it.
33 per cent.
- 50! You know what we haven't got here? Social facilities.
Well, what do you suggest? A Salvation Army mobile canteen? More a French Army mobile brothel.
You're talking to a happily married man.
I thought they were the best customers.
Oh, what a war! Can't even get the pox.
Wake me up when the war's over, will you? (Breathing heavily) MORAN: "Bandits below.
Bandits below at two o'clock.
" "Heinkels.
Let's get into them.
" (Panting) "Bandits behind.
Bandits behind.
" "On your tail, Pip.
" Christ! (Panting) Come on.
(Gunfire) (Engine spluttering) - You OK, Sticky? - A little bit poorly.
(Gunfire) (Screams) "I'm sorry.
I can't hear you, Mary.
" "Where are you?" Oh, God, it's a terrible line.
What happened? What? Well, of course you couldn't do anything about it.
Yes.
Hello? Hello? (Sighs) Now, who's going to tell him? Young Gordon's wife.
Oh, no.
Where exactly? Mary's in Calais.
They were strafed.
Poor girl.
Well, you were right.
Sticky "was" a lousy risk.
Yeah, I nearly lost my money.
What a way to die! With dirty teeth.
Do you want the good news or bad? I used to be a pessimist, but it's too depressing.
Good news.
One 1 09 definite and a probable.
Sticky? A wizard prang or something like that.
The kite blew up, and - Well, and Pip, he jumped out.
- He baled out? He sort of flopped out.
Last seen, he was flying towards Germany.
I don't know what happened.
His plane didn't seem damaged.
His chute seemed OK.
It was about 20 miles from here.
What's up with Flash? FITZGERALD: "Flash?" Flash? I er I saw your bike.
I'm really sorry.
Rotten luck.
Mm.
Mary's OK? Mm.
Apparently.
A bit shaken.
Supposedly .
.
it was an Me-1 09.
Mind you, she's not very good at aircraft.
Ordinary people.
Children.
Just bloody strafed them.
GORDON: I was after a 1 09.
FITZGERALD: No, this was near Calais.
GORDON: Funny.
You don't think about the people on the ground.
FITZGERALD: We were nowhere near Calais.
GORDON: I've seen a map.
France isn't big.
We flew hundreds of miles that day.
FITZGERALD: But nowhere near Calais.
We were miles away.
Honestly.
She didn't want to go - that's the funny thing.
"She did it for me.
" We're the ones who should be killed.
That's "our"job.
Yes.
Rotten luck.
Don't say a word, chaps, but look what the cat's brought in.
"Good God!" Been on the tiles, Haggis? I think you need a doctor.
"Where's Sticky?" You saw what happened, didn't you? - Where have you been? - Hanging around.
I've been hanging around - get it? What do you mean? I was in a tree.
Talking to the birds.
Did they say anything to you? You do talk an awful lot of drivel, Moggy.
Yes.
But I haven't jumped out of an aeroplane for a long time.
"What do you mean?" - Come on, you two.
"- No.
" - What are you trying to say, Moggy? - I don't trust our parachutes.
The air and the wind buggers up your hair.
I'd rather fight a Messerschmitt.
- What are you doing? - He's a bloody maniac! You dish it out, Moggy, but you can't bloody take it, can you? I'll kill the bastard! Kill, kill, kill! That's all you think about! He killed Dicky Starr! He killed Rex! He probably killed Reilly, Trevelyan, Lloyd! All right, all right.
He's gonna kill everybody! Until there's no-one left but himself! We're going now.
Well, he's not going to kill "me.
" No, he's not.
Come on, old chap.
- You OK, Mog? - Oh, terrific.
Buggered up my make-up.
And a strange sensation round the eyelashes.
Fine, fine.
Funny chap! Was it something I said? Thank you.
This is the end of the framboise ","sir.
Rex's favourite tipple.
Well, this could be the end of Hornet Squadron as well.
So, we're not going to get any more Spitfires? The Air Ministry says no fighters for France.
Hitler changed the rules.
Nobody really wanted this war, you know.
Do you remember when you came to France? A quiet little war.
Almost gentlemanly.
As I recall it, wasn't it something to do with Poland and decency? - Who the hell said that? - I think it was you, sir.
Did I? Well, there's Poland and decency for you.
You chaps are now classified as ''useless mouths'', so we're going to send you home.
- What's going to happen then, sir? - Spot of leave, I suppose.
I'll miss this, though.
Whatever happens, I'm proud of the Squadron.
Well, I'll drink to that.
They all did their best.
- Hear, hear, sir.
"- Don't feel downhearted.
" Think of it in this way.
Poland, Denmark, Holland and Belgium are out of the preliminaries.
"France is losing, hands down.
" "So, it's England and Germany for the final.
" Well, that can't be bad, particularly as we've got the home-ground advantage.
With your usual insight, sir, we can hardly lose.
Good morning, sir.
Pilot Officer Steele-Stebbing, sir.
What did you say? - Steele-Stebbing.
- Are you Swedish? Certainly not, sir.
Do you know where I can find the CO? "I'm" the CO, and don't you ever forget that.
You'll never shoot a bird with that, sir.
Who says? (Screeching) See? The flare's just a decoy.
They think they know everything, these seagulls.
From my experience, I think that's a Swedish seagull.
What do you think? "- Are the Swedes on our side?" "- I really am English, sir.
" Yes, so you say.
Where can I find the other pilots? No idea.
And the aeroplanes? Aeroplanes? You Swedish prick! We don't need aeroplanes.
I mean, you're a highly-trained pilot, aren't you? Well, are you? You know how to fly? We don't need aeroplanes.
Here - have you got one of these? Service issue.
If there's any enemy aircraft in the area, you just stick this up your arse.
And if it's an Me-1 09, you turn round quickly and give them a volley.
Yeee-owww! Rat-a-tat-tat! You'll get the hang of it in a couple of days.
Yes, sir.
"- (Speaks Swedish)" "- Sorry, sir?" Don't you know your own language? I studied Swedish for three hours.
Don't come the old soldier with me.
Bodkin Hazel Airfield, please.
Fanny? Hello, Chris.
Good to see you, you old reprobate! -You too.
- Did you have a good leave? Yeah, it was OK.
I ran out of cash.
Incidentally, have you got enough to pay for this? I don't believe it! What happened to the family millions? Well, I made a decision.
I mean, why should I subsidise their bloody war? The government hired me - they can pay the rate for the job.
BARTON: They lost the Squadron's documents.
Yeah.
They lost an army as well.
I talked to my father.
He told me I'd joined the wrong side.
Is he pro-Nazi? (Laughs) Are you kidding? He thinks they're soft on Communism.
"Mind you, we don't exactly see eye to eye.
" When I went to Spain, he was delighted, because I joined the Republicans.
It was a while before he realised they weren't "his" type of Republicans! Thinks the British Empire is run by Jewish trade-union leaders, controlled by Moscow.
Got to win this war, Fanny, just to show my father he was wrong.
Congratulations on the stripe.
Thanks.
Are "you"interested in promotion? - What are you offering? - Want to command ''A'' Flight.
Twist my arm.
Acting Flight Lieutenant, and the money's incredible.
(Laughs) Is that all? - You can shout at people.
"- And?" And, if you live long enough, a gong.
Guaranteed? BARTON: Even your father would be impressed.
Driver, stop.
We'll see who's inside.
- Cheers.
- Did you have a good leave? - I got the crabs.
- Some little tart? Do you mind? She was a debutante, old boy.
At least, I assume it was from her.
Maybe it was from her mother.
You really are disgusting.
Yes.
That's what my sister-in-law said.
She'll never forgive me.
Come on, Moggy.
How did you get the car back? Well, some chap from the Royal Armoured Corps helped me.
And when I got back to London, I phoned Rex's father.
And you know what he said? He said, ''Why don't you keep it, Wing Commander Cattermole?'' (Laughter) That was a decent thing to do.
Don't you think? Am I supposed to believe that? On my honour.
He even sent me the log book.
Good God Almighty! Hello, chaps.
Where have you been? More to the point, where have "you" been? - Waiting for the war.
- What's that? -You'll like it.
- Get it off.
We're not in the Navy.
"- It'll be good.
" "- I don't give a damn.
Shave it off.
" And if you go into the local pub, wear uniform.
That's an order, Flash.
I remember when he was one of the chaps.
I remember when "you" were a human being.
You look like a rat pushed through a hedge.
What did your parents say, Flash? I haven't seen them.
And where did you spend your leave? Well, I just stayed here.
I had a good time.
I drank 200 bottles of Guinness and shot plenty of seagulls.
He's bloody mad.
What did you say, Flip? I said you're bloody mad.
I wonder about that.
Mind you, it takes all kinds, doesn't it? What would we do without you? Even Moggy's going to buy you a drink.
Well, I'm sure you blokes will be very happy with us.
I'm happy killing Germans.
Very good.
We get our new Spitfires tomorrow.
Did you lose all your aircraft in France? Very nearly, I'm afraid.
- Must have been pretty hairy, sir.
- I was there.
It was cock-up.
The CO's instructing one of our foreign contingent but he'll want to see you.
Anyway, you'll want to settle in first.
I don't mind, sir.
I just want to get into the air.
Yes.
Me too, sir.
That's the stuff.
Corporal Beale will show you to your hut.
Afterwards, we'll have a bit of a wander.
Any problems, you know where I am.
Have you seen our new intake? Hopeless, both of them.
- Really? "- Absolutely.
" I'm astonished by your capacity for instant judgment.
You met them for what? 1 4 seconds? That's enough.
I know, Skull.
And what about the others? Well, the Squadron's changed.
Yes, indeed.
When Rex was CO, the relationship was almost feudal.
It didn't work terribly well, which is no great surprise.
As you probably know, the feudal system itself was less than totally satisfactory.
With Fanny Barton you have a more popular leader.
Almost democratic.
Yes, but what about the blokes? Oh, they're behaving exactly as one would expect.
The old sweats have ganged up on the new faces.
Of course, they're all suspicious of the foreigners.
I mean, we're supposed to "fight" "against foreigners.
Very confusing!" They're bloody keen, aren't they? I'd say obsessional.
They're real killers.
Like Moggy.
They want to kill Germans, but Moggy - he'd be quite happy to kill anybody.
Well, I'm all for the Moggys of this world, as long as they're on our side.
- Not like Steele-Stebbing.
- He got very good marks in training, they say.
I knew his father at college.
An insufferable man.
I rather think the son is trying to escape from him.
What about his mother? Do you know, there was something about the mother.
She ran off with an Albanian yachtsman.
Fascinating, isn't it? Yes, that's why Steele-Stebbing joined the RAF.
He was trying to escape from his father, the mother and the Albanian.
Hmm.
Perhaps he just liked aeroplanes.
You always make life so boring, old man.
Aeroplanes, indeed! Yes, well, you're not a pilot, are you, Skull? Thank God! Any minute you're gonna say young Flash Gordon is normal.
We're all bloody mad.
Touched by something or other.
-You? - I flew through a railway station once.
Really? "It didn't have much of a roof left, of course.
" (Laughs) I always think of you as a very sober, reliable chap.
Well, obviously, I've settled down a bit now.
What I'm saying is, young Flash isn't a lunatic.
- Have you seen his eyes? - What's wrong with his eyes? He should be in a hospital.
Nonsense.
He's always been odd.
I'd rather have him on my side than Steele-Stebbing.
Steele-Stebbing.
I knew a Steele-Stebbing.
Where was it? Oxford - that's right.
He used to wear ladies' clothes.
Well, there's not too many of us.
I had a cousin at Oxford - Amanda Steele-Stebbing.
Amanda! Funny name for a boxing blue.
He didn't have the figure for summer frocks.
But then, neither do you.
You see, the chap I met - your relative - well, he was a bit flat-chested.
"But he had the most exciting hips.
" Mind you, he had quite a good left hook.
Does this run in your family? Well, I boxed at school.
Well, that's quite remarkable! "I"did a bit of that.
Shall we spar or dance, Amanda? - For Christ's sake, Moggy, leave him alone.
- Ah, the tea boy speaks.
Be very careful about McSporran.
When he's upset, he throws cups of tea at you.
Why don't you shut your dirty, filthy mouth? Don't worry about him, Amanda.
He read Latin and Rhetoric at Auchenshuggle University.
Next time, it'll be battery acid.
Oh, did you hear what the nasty man said, Amanda? Don't push your luck, Pip.
MORAN: Leave it out, Moggy.
Just settle down.
I don't know where you get the energy from.
Oh, Norman blood, old boy.
Scramble one section, sir.
Patrol Hastings, Angels 1 0.
That's you, Moggy, and your new friend.
Come on, Amanda.
We can't go on meeting like this, you know.
You see, it is the most incredible bargain, Flash.
Go on.
Guess how much I paid for it.
I don't know.
1 2 hundred thousand pounds and tuppence.
Oh, don't be stupid.
It was £1 0.
Bloody good show, eh? You know, Mary will be very pleased to see you.
At least you'll get some decent home cooking.
"Hello, Mango Leader.
This is Snowball.
" "We have one bandit reported 1 5 -" "that is one-five - miles northwest of Hastings.
" "Angels 8 to 1 0, and he's heading east.
" Got you, Snowball.
"Correction.
Make it west.
" "Correction, Mango Yellow Leader.
" "It's definitely heading south.
" "What are your Angels?" Angels 8.
"Mango Yellow, make Angel 6.
" "Your bandit seems to be losing height.
" Yellow Leader to Yellow 2.
We're getting no joy.
Let's have a look at the sea.
We'll level out at 1 00 feet.
Don't go in the drink.
Did you see him, Yellow 2? Well, no, not really.
"Well, hang on to me.
" This is Mango Yellow Leader to Snowball.
The bandit's down in the drink.
We'll have another go.
"Right.
Have you got him now, Yellow 2?" Well, no.
"Keep right behind my arse.
" "Now, it's far to the left.
Do you see him?" "- Oh, yes, I think so.
" "- Don't you bloody know?" "Did you see him, Yellow 2?" "Yes, Yellow Leader.
" We've got the bastard.
Get the Junkers.
"- But it's a rescue plane.
" "- Get the bastard.
A quick squirt.
" (Gunfire) (Explosion) "-Very good, Yellow 2.
" "Did you hear what I said?" Yes.
"But you didn't get the Jerries in the dinghy," "did you, Yellow 2?" No, I didn't.
Oh, dear.
You pathetic fart.
Old Rex must be turning in his grave.
I'm not complaining, but the last time I broke bread with you chaps, it was chilled vichyssoise and roast venison.
We still haven't organised the kitchen, sir.
It's almost like a real war.
We lost Birdsall in France.
He was the chef.
He's probably cooking for the Luftwaffe by now.
Well, we've got to rough it a bit now.
Rex got his gong.
The family were very pleased.
And I believe they've commissioned a window for the village church.
It seems years ago now, sir.
Well, it was.
There's going to be a colossal scrap.
Much bigger than France.
By the way, I'm delighted you got one of their Red Cross planes today.
- One of the new boys got it.
- Well, jolly good.
But keep it under your hat.
The public doesn't understand.
"You're confusing me, sir.
" I mean, they're an absolute menace.
They monitor our radio transmissions, sneak in and snaffle their pilots when they have to ditch.
Hit the buggers as hard as you can.
But don't tell everybody.
"Red Cross is an emotional expression.
" Can you imagine the clergy and the do-gooders? They'd have a field day.
-They really wouldn't understand.
- Of course not.
Far be it from me to question Fighter Command's orders But I'm sure you will.
Not at all, sir.
But if the Luftwaffe has planes that can pinpoint pilots in the Channel, why not us? - We're not supposed to think of everything.
- Ah, sir.
- Does that answer your question? - Absolutely, sir.
Blue Leader to Blue 4.
Is there anything wrong with your aircraft? GORDON: It's behaving perfectly, Blue Leader.
To Blue 4.
Then why are you flying inverted? Blue 4 to Blue Leader.
I fancied a rest.
It gives you a different view of the world.
Rejoin formation.
Do you understand that, Blue 4? Did you realise, Blue Leader, that yoga gurus sit on their heads some of the time? It refreshes the brain.
I don't give a damn what they do! Join formation.
"Repeat: join formation.
" Crikey! Blue Leader, bandits - 1 1 o'clock high.
As you were, Blue Leader.
Bandits one o'clock low.
Blue Leader, they've got Heinkels as well.
It's a cock-up.
Blue 2, take the right side, Blue 3 and 4 the left.
Go, go, go! (Machine-gun fire) (Mutters in Polish) (Gunfire) (Screeching and clanking) (Fizzing and crackling) (Wind roaring) Wait for me here.
I want to talk to you.
What's the problem? Flash.
Well? I want him out of my flight.
His new thing is flying inverted.
How come I get all the loonies, foreign legion and greenhorns? The doctor's gonna have a look at Flash.
And what good do you think that'll do? I can't chop a bloke without good reason.
"And I can't chop a pilot like Zadarnowski," "just cos you don't like him.
" You give an order and he says, ''Is a cock-up.
'' He's a good pilot.
I don't really care about the King's English.
"And the greenhorn - who's that? Renouf?" - He baled out.
-That's not a sin, Flip.
Don't bloody talk to "me" about sin! What's the matter? All right, you had a hard time Because of the loonies, dagos and blokes who don't know what's going on.
I mean, it's all right for you.
You get the stripes, and I get the scars.
We're all getting scars.
As for the stripes, what are you trying to say, Flip? You should be leading the Squadron? Is that it? - Somebody's got to.
- You mean I'm not doing it right? You said it, not me.
(Door slams) (Sighs) Well? A catalogue of complaints.
Have I upset him? Everybody's wrong except him and And Flash has decided to fly upside down.
He destroyed a Heinkel.
Perhaps everybody should do it.
Did he? Good for him.
Flip wants promotion.
Or respect.
I don't know.
Well, you know.
When people complain about others, it's usually because of their own shortcomings.
He's a good Flight Commander.
Perhaps he's got what Uncle describes as ''the twitch''.
Oh, come on.
He's strong as an ox.
Zoology is not my speciality, but I'm sure even oxen have their breaking point.
What about Flash? Simple.
He's retreating from reality.
(Chuckles) You're so clever.
"I'm"going to start reading books.
No, don't get up.
(Coughs) - Well, now - (Coughing) Nasty cough.
- It's the cigarette, sir.
- Ah.
If you don't mind me saying, sir, it's the smoke.
- What's wrong with it? - Nothing.
I'm sure it's fine.
It's just me, sir.
Perhaps it's not your brand.
I just don't like cigarettes.
Awful, dirty habit.
I hate it.
- Well, why didn't you say? - I thought you'd be upset.
Of course not.
It wasn't an order, you know.
Oh, well, in that case (Clears throat) You are an odd chap, aren't you? Sorry, sir? Well, now, I understand you've been flying upside down.
Yes.
Is that a good idea? Well, I think so, sir, particularly if you want to be invisible.
Invisible? You see, the underside of a Spitfire is painted blue - it's camouflage.
Well, I suppose that's because it will merge with the sky.
That's to fox the Germans, who'll be flying below.
That's the whole point, sir.
You see, half the time, particularly if it's a Messerschmitt, they attack us from above.
If I fly upside down, they might not see me.
You think so? Well, I haven't actually asked any of them, but I don't know - it's possible.
- What do "you" think, sir? - I'm not a pilot.
Well, I think we should try anything.
Otherwise, the whole world will sink into the abyss of a dark, new age, made more sinister by the lights of perverted science.
(Chuckles) I don't know about that - perverted science.
Well, that's what Mr Churchill says.
Well, I suppose you've seen quite a bit of this war.
Has itupset you? I think it's smashing.
Smashing? Well, if we stand up to old Hitler, all Europe may be free.
The life of the world can go forward into broad, sunlit uplands.
-The Prime Minister? - He thinks it's smashing, as well.
(Aeroplane overhead) Ah, Barton, I've had a long chat with Flying Officer Gordon.
You're right.
He is a peculiar chap.
- But is he off his rocker? - Probably.
But against that, he's very keen on the war, and particularly keen about killing the enemy.
Well, that's good, isn't it? Kept quoting great chunks of Churchill's speeches.
- Where did he get those from? -The newspapers and radio.
He's a Daily Sketch reader.
I can't ground a chap for that.
Besides, he's one of your more successful pilots, isn't he? Hm.
But is heis he round the bend? I can't go on record as saying a pilot who quotes Churchill is ipso facto mentally unstable.
Half the country's doing that.
On the other hand, in layman's terms, yes, he's probably slightlyahemloopy.
You see, if you ask your average fighter pilot about the war he shuffles his feet and looks embarrassed and says, ''Well,"they"started it, didn't they?'' Not absolutely true, as it happens, but he certainly doesn't say it's the abyss of a new dark age, made more sinister by the lights of a perverted science.
- Old Flash said that? - Yeah, and more.
(Chuckles) Ermtablets? - Why? What's your problem? - Not for me, for Flash.
No, no, no, no.
Lots of rest, good food, he'll be as right as ninepence.
Really? No, not really.
The big thing is to keep him away from the wireless when the Prime Minister's on.
"Scramble ''A'' Flight, sir.
" Ah.
Well, I said I'd be back for teatime.
Thanks for your help.
Have I got it right? He's batty but he can fly? Any problems, give me a tinkle.
Hello, sir! I liked our chat.
Must dash - forward into broad, sunlit uplands.
(Engines roaring) (Gunfire) (Gunfire) (Groans) "- Are you hit, Flip?" "- I'm losing fuel.
" Ohoh, Jesus Christ! (Screaming) So, what we're saying is that everybody got something.
Three Heinkels, a 1 1 0 and two 1 09s.
Every one destroyed? I actually followed "my" Heinkel down to the sea.
- Bits falling off.
"- And it hit the water?" I didn't hang around.
I had a 1 09 on my arse at the time.
Then it's damaged, not destroyed.
- We're making some very extravagant claims.
- Oh, bugger off! The newspapers are reporting it like cricket scores.
Maybe we can declare.
It was a hell of a scrap.
Pity about Flip.
Well, that was a definite.
You don't get any more definite than that.
Bad show.
Was a cock-up.
(Laughter) You can certainly say that.
Why are you laughing? Why don't you join the BBC? If you want my opinion, the whole idea is absurd.
With respect, Uncle, you've read your Telegraph.
May I? 63 Huns knocked down and we lost a dozen.
First class score.
But to my certain knowledge we lost 1 6.
And I think you can halve the total Germans.
Are you suggesting the Telegraph is lying? Good God, no.
But I think our pilots romanticise.
- You mean they're liars.
- You're being very touchy.
I'm merely suggesting that our pilots exaggerate by about 100% Do you realise what you're saying? - Our chaps are going up there - You said it yourself, Uncle.
Everything happens so quickly in the air.
A puff of smoke, a lick of flame does not mean a definite kill.
They're in a state of high anxiety, a peak of excitement.
They've only got 1 4 seconds of killing time.
It may concentrate the mind but it does nothing for recalling the incident in tranquillity.
For someone who's been in an aeroplane twice, how the hell would you know? I listen to you, Uncle.
I'm not accusing our pilots of falsifying their results.
That's exactly what you're doing.
I suppose I am.
That's why these cine guns are important.
Mumbo jumbo.
Clever little gadget, sir.
Our pilots have got enough instruments to control without that nonsense.
It's simple enough.
It only works when the guns are fired, sir.
(Air-raid siren) Thank you, Corporal.
You're not impressed? I take pilots' word of honour.
It's as simple as that.
It's a matter of principle.
Our chaps are going up five, six, seven times a day and then you don't trust them.
I don't really like this dugout.
Why can't they decorate the place? If you've seen one sandbag, you've seen 'em all.
What do you think, Amanda? Do you think they'd paint the place? I'd rather have wallpaper.
Amanda's going to be an interior decorator when she grows up.
Now look what you've done.
(Explosions) I don't know about you, chaps, but this is time for my mid-morning coffee.
(Explosions)
" "Despite sporadic action," "this has become known as ''the phoney war''.
" "Two of our pilots," "Fitzgerald and Gordon, were married," "but the celebrations were interrupted" "by a surprise visit from the Luftwaffe.
" "Suddenly, the battle for France has begun.
" "Our losses have been crippling.
" "There has even been open hostility to Squadron" "Leader Rex, who was regretfully lost in action.
" "The other pilots blame themselves," "but there will be no inquiry," "and the Australian, Barton, has taken over.
" "The Germans are advancing," "and refugees have taken to the roads.
" "Fitzgerald and Gordon's young brides" "have been packed off to England," "but I fear nowhere is safe in this country now.
" W"ith our lack of Spitfires and spares," "it must only be a matter of time" "until the enemy realises" "how weak we really are.
" "Bring that in for me.
" Quick as you can, Flight.
Refuel and rearm them.
"You blokes ready?" Jerry's streaming through the Ardennes.
They're going to get a lot of trade.
- What did "you"get? - A couple of Junkers and a 1 09.
It's the big push, all right, so get in close, hammer the buggers and get out quick.
But please, don't take chances.
Lose these four, and we're out of business.
Any questions? I'd be too embarrassed to ask.
Pip, you're all right? Never been better.
Not a hundred per cent yet, but you know.
But fit for duty? Yeah, Doc says, ''Don't do anything stupid.
'' I think he means squash, not flying.
Good luck.
Thanks.
- Don't do anything rash, Haggis.
- Bugger off.
It's all right for you, Pip.
The COs never ask me if"I'm" OK.
- What's your problem? -Toothpaste.
I haven't cleaned my teeth for ages.
That's because I'm broke.
I haven't been paid for three weeks.
-Tough.
- How come "you've" got money? - Because I'm rich.
- Ah, well, that explains it! I've got masses of toothpaste.
I'm renting it out - tuppence a squeeze.
- No money.
- He'll lend you some.
- 50 francs, 33 per cent interest.
- Is that good? It's phenomenal.
I mean, I usually charge my friends ten per cent.
- It's very high.
- Well, you're a lousy risk.
That's why.
You're an incompetent fighter pilot with an airplane put together with string and glue.
Make it 50 per cent.
I'll tell you what, Sticky - it's a snip.
Don't chuck her around too much, sir.
The rudder cable's frayed.
Thanks a lot! - OK, I'll take it.
33 per cent.
- 50! You know what we haven't got here? Social facilities.
Well, what do you suggest? A Salvation Army mobile canteen? More a French Army mobile brothel.
You're talking to a happily married man.
I thought they were the best customers.
Oh, what a war! Can't even get the pox.
Wake me up when the war's over, will you? (Breathing heavily) MORAN: "Bandits below.
Bandits below at two o'clock.
" "Heinkels.
Let's get into them.
" (Panting) "Bandits behind.
Bandits behind.
" "On your tail, Pip.
" Christ! (Panting) Come on.
(Gunfire) (Engine spluttering) - You OK, Sticky? - A little bit poorly.
(Gunfire) (Screams) "I'm sorry.
I can't hear you, Mary.
" "Where are you?" Oh, God, it's a terrible line.
What happened? What? Well, of course you couldn't do anything about it.
Yes.
Hello? Hello? (Sighs) Now, who's going to tell him? Young Gordon's wife.
Oh, no.
Where exactly? Mary's in Calais.
They were strafed.
Poor girl.
Well, you were right.
Sticky "was" a lousy risk.
Yeah, I nearly lost my money.
What a way to die! With dirty teeth.
Do you want the good news or bad? I used to be a pessimist, but it's too depressing.
Good news.
One 1 09 definite and a probable.
Sticky? A wizard prang or something like that.
The kite blew up, and - Well, and Pip, he jumped out.
- He baled out? He sort of flopped out.
Last seen, he was flying towards Germany.
I don't know what happened.
His plane didn't seem damaged.
His chute seemed OK.
It was about 20 miles from here.
What's up with Flash? FITZGERALD: "Flash?" Flash? I er I saw your bike.
I'm really sorry.
Rotten luck.
Mm.
Mary's OK? Mm.
Apparently.
A bit shaken.
Supposedly .
.
it was an Me-1 09.
Mind you, she's not very good at aircraft.
Ordinary people.
Children.
Just bloody strafed them.
GORDON: I was after a 1 09.
FITZGERALD: No, this was near Calais.
GORDON: Funny.
You don't think about the people on the ground.
FITZGERALD: We were nowhere near Calais.
GORDON: I've seen a map.
France isn't big.
We flew hundreds of miles that day.
FITZGERALD: But nowhere near Calais.
We were miles away.
Honestly.
She didn't want to go - that's the funny thing.
"She did it for me.
" We're the ones who should be killed.
That's "our"job.
Yes.
Rotten luck.
Don't say a word, chaps, but look what the cat's brought in.
"Good God!" Been on the tiles, Haggis? I think you need a doctor.
"Where's Sticky?" You saw what happened, didn't you? - Where have you been? - Hanging around.
I've been hanging around - get it? What do you mean? I was in a tree.
Talking to the birds.
Did they say anything to you? You do talk an awful lot of drivel, Moggy.
Yes.
But I haven't jumped out of an aeroplane for a long time.
"What do you mean?" - Come on, you two.
"- No.
" - What are you trying to say, Moggy? - I don't trust our parachutes.
The air and the wind buggers up your hair.
I'd rather fight a Messerschmitt.
- What are you doing? - He's a bloody maniac! You dish it out, Moggy, but you can't bloody take it, can you? I'll kill the bastard! Kill, kill, kill! That's all you think about! He killed Dicky Starr! He killed Rex! He probably killed Reilly, Trevelyan, Lloyd! All right, all right.
He's gonna kill everybody! Until there's no-one left but himself! We're going now.
Well, he's not going to kill "me.
" No, he's not.
Come on, old chap.
- You OK, Mog? - Oh, terrific.
Buggered up my make-up.
And a strange sensation round the eyelashes.
Fine, fine.
Funny chap! Was it something I said? Thank you.
This is the end of the framboise ","sir.
Rex's favourite tipple.
Well, this could be the end of Hornet Squadron as well.
So, we're not going to get any more Spitfires? The Air Ministry says no fighters for France.
Hitler changed the rules.
Nobody really wanted this war, you know.
Do you remember when you came to France? A quiet little war.
Almost gentlemanly.
As I recall it, wasn't it something to do with Poland and decency? - Who the hell said that? - I think it was you, sir.
Did I? Well, there's Poland and decency for you.
You chaps are now classified as ''useless mouths'', so we're going to send you home.
- What's going to happen then, sir? - Spot of leave, I suppose.
I'll miss this, though.
Whatever happens, I'm proud of the Squadron.
Well, I'll drink to that.
They all did their best.
- Hear, hear, sir.
"- Don't feel downhearted.
" Think of it in this way.
Poland, Denmark, Holland and Belgium are out of the preliminaries.
"France is losing, hands down.
" "So, it's England and Germany for the final.
" Well, that can't be bad, particularly as we've got the home-ground advantage.
With your usual insight, sir, we can hardly lose.
Good morning, sir.
Pilot Officer Steele-Stebbing, sir.
What did you say? - Steele-Stebbing.
- Are you Swedish? Certainly not, sir.
Do you know where I can find the CO? "I'm" the CO, and don't you ever forget that.
You'll never shoot a bird with that, sir.
Who says? (Screeching) See? The flare's just a decoy.
They think they know everything, these seagulls.
From my experience, I think that's a Swedish seagull.
What do you think? "- Are the Swedes on our side?" "- I really am English, sir.
" Yes, so you say.
Where can I find the other pilots? No idea.
And the aeroplanes? Aeroplanes? You Swedish prick! We don't need aeroplanes.
I mean, you're a highly-trained pilot, aren't you? Well, are you? You know how to fly? We don't need aeroplanes.
Here - have you got one of these? Service issue.
If there's any enemy aircraft in the area, you just stick this up your arse.
And if it's an Me-1 09, you turn round quickly and give them a volley.
Yeee-owww! Rat-a-tat-tat! You'll get the hang of it in a couple of days.
Yes, sir.
"- (Speaks Swedish)" "- Sorry, sir?" Don't you know your own language? I studied Swedish for three hours.
Don't come the old soldier with me.
Bodkin Hazel Airfield, please.
Fanny? Hello, Chris.
Good to see you, you old reprobate! -You too.
- Did you have a good leave? Yeah, it was OK.
I ran out of cash.
Incidentally, have you got enough to pay for this? I don't believe it! What happened to the family millions? Well, I made a decision.
I mean, why should I subsidise their bloody war? The government hired me - they can pay the rate for the job.
BARTON: They lost the Squadron's documents.
Yeah.
They lost an army as well.
I talked to my father.
He told me I'd joined the wrong side.
Is he pro-Nazi? (Laughs) Are you kidding? He thinks they're soft on Communism.
"Mind you, we don't exactly see eye to eye.
" When I went to Spain, he was delighted, because I joined the Republicans.
It was a while before he realised they weren't "his" type of Republicans! Thinks the British Empire is run by Jewish trade-union leaders, controlled by Moscow.
Got to win this war, Fanny, just to show my father he was wrong.
Congratulations on the stripe.
Thanks.
Are "you"interested in promotion? - What are you offering? - Want to command ''A'' Flight.
Twist my arm.
Acting Flight Lieutenant, and the money's incredible.
(Laughs) Is that all? - You can shout at people.
"- And?" And, if you live long enough, a gong.
Guaranteed? BARTON: Even your father would be impressed.
Driver, stop.
We'll see who's inside.
- Cheers.
- Did you have a good leave? - I got the crabs.
- Some little tart? Do you mind? She was a debutante, old boy.
At least, I assume it was from her.
Maybe it was from her mother.
You really are disgusting.
Yes.
That's what my sister-in-law said.
She'll never forgive me.
Come on, Moggy.
How did you get the car back? Well, some chap from the Royal Armoured Corps helped me.
And when I got back to London, I phoned Rex's father.
And you know what he said? He said, ''Why don't you keep it, Wing Commander Cattermole?'' (Laughter) That was a decent thing to do.
Don't you think? Am I supposed to believe that? On my honour.
He even sent me the log book.
Good God Almighty! Hello, chaps.
Where have you been? More to the point, where have "you" been? - Waiting for the war.
- What's that? -You'll like it.
- Get it off.
We're not in the Navy.
"- It'll be good.
" "- I don't give a damn.
Shave it off.
" And if you go into the local pub, wear uniform.
That's an order, Flash.
I remember when he was one of the chaps.
I remember when "you" were a human being.
You look like a rat pushed through a hedge.
What did your parents say, Flash? I haven't seen them.
And where did you spend your leave? Well, I just stayed here.
I had a good time.
I drank 200 bottles of Guinness and shot plenty of seagulls.
He's bloody mad.
What did you say, Flip? I said you're bloody mad.
I wonder about that.
Mind you, it takes all kinds, doesn't it? What would we do without you? Even Moggy's going to buy you a drink.
Well, I'm sure you blokes will be very happy with us.
I'm happy killing Germans.
Very good.
We get our new Spitfires tomorrow.
Did you lose all your aircraft in France? Very nearly, I'm afraid.
- Must have been pretty hairy, sir.
- I was there.
It was cock-up.
The CO's instructing one of our foreign contingent but he'll want to see you.
Anyway, you'll want to settle in first.
I don't mind, sir.
I just want to get into the air.
Yes.
Me too, sir.
That's the stuff.
Corporal Beale will show you to your hut.
Afterwards, we'll have a bit of a wander.
Any problems, you know where I am.
Have you seen our new intake? Hopeless, both of them.
- Really? "- Absolutely.
" I'm astonished by your capacity for instant judgment.
You met them for what? 1 4 seconds? That's enough.
I know, Skull.
And what about the others? Well, the Squadron's changed.
Yes, indeed.
When Rex was CO, the relationship was almost feudal.
It didn't work terribly well, which is no great surprise.
As you probably know, the feudal system itself was less than totally satisfactory.
With Fanny Barton you have a more popular leader.
Almost democratic.
Yes, but what about the blokes? Oh, they're behaving exactly as one would expect.
The old sweats have ganged up on the new faces.
Of course, they're all suspicious of the foreigners.
I mean, we're supposed to "fight" "against foreigners.
Very confusing!" They're bloody keen, aren't they? I'd say obsessional.
They're real killers.
Like Moggy.
They want to kill Germans, but Moggy - he'd be quite happy to kill anybody.
Well, I'm all for the Moggys of this world, as long as they're on our side.
- Not like Steele-Stebbing.
- He got very good marks in training, they say.
I knew his father at college.
An insufferable man.
I rather think the son is trying to escape from him.
What about his mother? Do you know, there was something about the mother.
She ran off with an Albanian yachtsman.
Fascinating, isn't it? Yes, that's why Steele-Stebbing joined the RAF.
He was trying to escape from his father, the mother and the Albanian.
Hmm.
Perhaps he just liked aeroplanes.
You always make life so boring, old man.
Aeroplanes, indeed! Yes, well, you're not a pilot, are you, Skull? Thank God! Any minute you're gonna say young Flash Gordon is normal.
We're all bloody mad.
Touched by something or other.
-You? - I flew through a railway station once.
Really? "It didn't have much of a roof left, of course.
" (Laughs) I always think of you as a very sober, reliable chap.
Well, obviously, I've settled down a bit now.
What I'm saying is, young Flash isn't a lunatic.
- Have you seen his eyes? - What's wrong with his eyes? He should be in a hospital.
Nonsense.
He's always been odd.
I'd rather have him on my side than Steele-Stebbing.
Steele-Stebbing.
I knew a Steele-Stebbing.
Where was it? Oxford - that's right.
He used to wear ladies' clothes.
Well, there's not too many of us.
I had a cousin at Oxford - Amanda Steele-Stebbing.
Amanda! Funny name for a boxing blue.
He didn't have the figure for summer frocks.
But then, neither do you.
You see, the chap I met - your relative - well, he was a bit flat-chested.
"But he had the most exciting hips.
" Mind you, he had quite a good left hook.
Does this run in your family? Well, I boxed at school.
Well, that's quite remarkable! "I"did a bit of that.
Shall we spar or dance, Amanda? - For Christ's sake, Moggy, leave him alone.
- Ah, the tea boy speaks.
Be very careful about McSporran.
When he's upset, he throws cups of tea at you.
Why don't you shut your dirty, filthy mouth? Don't worry about him, Amanda.
He read Latin and Rhetoric at Auchenshuggle University.
Next time, it'll be battery acid.
Oh, did you hear what the nasty man said, Amanda? Don't push your luck, Pip.
MORAN: Leave it out, Moggy.
Just settle down.
I don't know where you get the energy from.
Oh, Norman blood, old boy.
Scramble one section, sir.
Patrol Hastings, Angels 1 0.
That's you, Moggy, and your new friend.
Come on, Amanda.
We can't go on meeting like this, you know.
You see, it is the most incredible bargain, Flash.
Go on.
Guess how much I paid for it.
I don't know.
1 2 hundred thousand pounds and tuppence.
Oh, don't be stupid.
It was £1 0.
Bloody good show, eh? You know, Mary will be very pleased to see you.
At least you'll get some decent home cooking.
"Hello, Mango Leader.
This is Snowball.
" "We have one bandit reported 1 5 -" "that is one-five - miles northwest of Hastings.
" "Angels 8 to 1 0, and he's heading east.
" Got you, Snowball.
"Correction.
Make it west.
" "Correction, Mango Yellow Leader.
" "It's definitely heading south.
" "What are your Angels?" Angels 8.
"Mango Yellow, make Angel 6.
" "Your bandit seems to be losing height.
" Yellow Leader to Yellow 2.
We're getting no joy.
Let's have a look at the sea.
We'll level out at 1 00 feet.
Don't go in the drink.
Did you see him, Yellow 2? Well, no, not really.
"Well, hang on to me.
" This is Mango Yellow Leader to Snowball.
The bandit's down in the drink.
We'll have another go.
"Right.
Have you got him now, Yellow 2?" Well, no.
"Keep right behind my arse.
" "Now, it's far to the left.
Do you see him?" "- Oh, yes, I think so.
" "- Don't you bloody know?" "Did you see him, Yellow 2?" "Yes, Yellow Leader.
" We've got the bastard.
Get the Junkers.
"- But it's a rescue plane.
" "- Get the bastard.
A quick squirt.
" (Gunfire) (Explosion) "-Very good, Yellow 2.
" "Did you hear what I said?" Yes.
"But you didn't get the Jerries in the dinghy," "did you, Yellow 2?" No, I didn't.
Oh, dear.
You pathetic fart.
Old Rex must be turning in his grave.
I'm not complaining, but the last time I broke bread with you chaps, it was chilled vichyssoise and roast venison.
We still haven't organised the kitchen, sir.
It's almost like a real war.
We lost Birdsall in France.
He was the chef.
He's probably cooking for the Luftwaffe by now.
Well, we've got to rough it a bit now.
Rex got his gong.
The family were very pleased.
And I believe they've commissioned a window for the village church.
It seems years ago now, sir.
Well, it was.
There's going to be a colossal scrap.
Much bigger than France.
By the way, I'm delighted you got one of their Red Cross planes today.
- One of the new boys got it.
- Well, jolly good.
But keep it under your hat.
The public doesn't understand.
"You're confusing me, sir.
" I mean, they're an absolute menace.
They monitor our radio transmissions, sneak in and snaffle their pilots when they have to ditch.
Hit the buggers as hard as you can.
But don't tell everybody.
"Red Cross is an emotional expression.
" Can you imagine the clergy and the do-gooders? They'd have a field day.
-They really wouldn't understand.
- Of course not.
Far be it from me to question Fighter Command's orders But I'm sure you will.
Not at all, sir.
But if the Luftwaffe has planes that can pinpoint pilots in the Channel, why not us? - We're not supposed to think of everything.
- Ah, sir.
- Does that answer your question? - Absolutely, sir.
Blue Leader to Blue 4.
Is there anything wrong with your aircraft? GORDON: It's behaving perfectly, Blue Leader.
To Blue 4.
Then why are you flying inverted? Blue 4 to Blue Leader.
I fancied a rest.
It gives you a different view of the world.
Rejoin formation.
Do you understand that, Blue 4? Did you realise, Blue Leader, that yoga gurus sit on their heads some of the time? It refreshes the brain.
I don't give a damn what they do! Join formation.
"Repeat: join formation.
" Crikey! Blue Leader, bandits - 1 1 o'clock high.
As you were, Blue Leader.
Bandits one o'clock low.
Blue Leader, they've got Heinkels as well.
It's a cock-up.
Blue 2, take the right side, Blue 3 and 4 the left.
Go, go, go! (Machine-gun fire) (Mutters in Polish) (Gunfire) (Screeching and clanking) (Fizzing and crackling) (Wind roaring) Wait for me here.
I want to talk to you.
What's the problem? Flash.
Well? I want him out of my flight.
His new thing is flying inverted.
How come I get all the loonies, foreign legion and greenhorns? The doctor's gonna have a look at Flash.
And what good do you think that'll do? I can't chop a bloke without good reason.
"And I can't chop a pilot like Zadarnowski," "just cos you don't like him.
" You give an order and he says, ''Is a cock-up.
'' He's a good pilot.
I don't really care about the King's English.
"And the greenhorn - who's that? Renouf?" - He baled out.
-That's not a sin, Flip.
Don't bloody talk to "me" about sin! What's the matter? All right, you had a hard time Because of the loonies, dagos and blokes who don't know what's going on.
I mean, it's all right for you.
You get the stripes, and I get the scars.
We're all getting scars.
As for the stripes, what are you trying to say, Flip? You should be leading the Squadron? Is that it? - Somebody's got to.
- You mean I'm not doing it right? You said it, not me.
(Door slams) (Sighs) Well? A catalogue of complaints.
Have I upset him? Everybody's wrong except him and And Flash has decided to fly upside down.
He destroyed a Heinkel.
Perhaps everybody should do it.
Did he? Good for him.
Flip wants promotion.
Or respect.
I don't know.
Well, you know.
When people complain about others, it's usually because of their own shortcomings.
He's a good Flight Commander.
Perhaps he's got what Uncle describes as ''the twitch''.
Oh, come on.
He's strong as an ox.
Zoology is not my speciality, but I'm sure even oxen have their breaking point.
What about Flash? Simple.
He's retreating from reality.
(Chuckles) You're so clever.
"I'm"going to start reading books.
No, don't get up.
(Coughs) - Well, now - (Coughing) Nasty cough.
- It's the cigarette, sir.
- Ah.
If you don't mind me saying, sir, it's the smoke.
- What's wrong with it? - Nothing.
I'm sure it's fine.
It's just me, sir.
Perhaps it's not your brand.
I just don't like cigarettes.
Awful, dirty habit.
I hate it.
- Well, why didn't you say? - I thought you'd be upset.
Of course not.
It wasn't an order, you know.
Oh, well, in that case (Clears throat) You are an odd chap, aren't you? Sorry, sir? Well, now, I understand you've been flying upside down.
Yes.
Is that a good idea? Well, I think so, sir, particularly if you want to be invisible.
Invisible? You see, the underside of a Spitfire is painted blue - it's camouflage.
Well, I suppose that's because it will merge with the sky.
That's to fox the Germans, who'll be flying below.
That's the whole point, sir.
You see, half the time, particularly if it's a Messerschmitt, they attack us from above.
If I fly upside down, they might not see me.
You think so? Well, I haven't actually asked any of them, but I don't know - it's possible.
- What do "you" think, sir? - I'm not a pilot.
Well, I think we should try anything.
Otherwise, the whole world will sink into the abyss of a dark, new age, made more sinister by the lights of perverted science.
(Chuckles) I don't know about that - perverted science.
Well, that's what Mr Churchill says.
Well, I suppose you've seen quite a bit of this war.
Has itupset you? I think it's smashing.
Smashing? Well, if we stand up to old Hitler, all Europe may be free.
The life of the world can go forward into broad, sunlit uplands.
-The Prime Minister? - He thinks it's smashing, as well.
(Aeroplane overhead) Ah, Barton, I've had a long chat with Flying Officer Gordon.
You're right.
He is a peculiar chap.
- But is he off his rocker? - Probably.
But against that, he's very keen on the war, and particularly keen about killing the enemy.
Well, that's good, isn't it? Kept quoting great chunks of Churchill's speeches.
- Where did he get those from? -The newspapers and radio.
He's a Daily Sketch reader.
I can't ground a chap for that.
Besides, he's one of your more successful pilots, isn't he? Hm.
But is heis he round the bend? I can't go on record as saying a pilot who quotes Churchill is ipso facto mentally unstable.
Half the country's doing that.
On the other hand, in layman's terms, yes, he's probably slightlyahemloopy.
You see, if you ask your average fighter pilot about the war he shuffles his feet and looks embarrassed and says, ''Well,"they"started it, didn't they?'' Not absolutely true, as it happens, but he certainly doesn't say it's the abyss of a new dark age, made more sinister by the lights of a perverted science.
- Old Flash said that? - Yeah, and more.
(Chuckles) Ermtablets? - Why? What's your problem? - Not for me, for Flash.
No, no, no, no.
Lots of rest, good food, he'll be as right as ninepence.
Really? No, not really.
The big thing is to keep him away from the wireless when the Prime Minister's on.
"Scramble ''A'' Flight, sir.
" Ah.
Well, I said I'd be back for teatime.
Thanks for your help.
Have I got it right? He's batty but he can fly? Any problems, give me a tinkle.
Hello, sir! I liked our chat.
Must dash - forward into broad, sunlit uplands.
(Engines roaring) (Gunfire) (Gunfire) (Groans) "- Are you hit, Flip?" "- I'm losing fuel.
" Ohoh, Jesus Christ! (Screaming) So, what we're saying is that everybody got something.
Three Heinkels, a 1 1 0 and two 1 09s.
Every one destroyed? I actually followed "my" Heinkel down to the sea.
- Bits falling off.
"- And it hit the water?" I didn't hang around.
I had a 1 09 on my arse at the time.
Then it's damaged, not destroyed.
- We're making some very extravagant claims.
- Oh, bugger off! The newspapers are reporting it like cricket scores.
Maybe we can declare.
It was a hell of a scrap.
Pity about Flip.
Well, that was a definite.
You don't get any more definite than that.
Bad show.
Was a cock-up.
(Laughter) You can certainly say that.
Why are you laughing? Why don't you join the BBC? If you want my opinion, the whole idea is absurd.
With respect, Uncle, you've read your Telegraph.
May I? 63 Huns knocked down and we lost a dozen.
First class score.
But to my certain knowledge we lost 1 6.
And I think you can halve the total Germans.
Are you suggesting the Telegraph is lying? Good God, no.
But I think our pilots romanticise.
- You mean they're liars.
- You're being very touchy.
I'm merely suggesting that our pilots exaggerate by about 100% Do you realise what you're saying? - Our chaps are going up there - You said it yourself, Uncle.
Everything happens so quickly in the air.
A puff of smoke, a lick of flame does not mean a definite kill.
They're in a state of high anxiety, a peak of excitement.
They've only got 1 4 seconds of killing time.
It may concentrate the mind but it does nothing for recalling the incident in tranquillity.
For someone who's been in an aeroplane twice, how the hell would you know? I listen to you, Uncle.
I'm not accusing our pilots of falsifying their results.
That's exactly what you're doing.
I suppose I am.
That's why these cine guns are important.
Mumbo jumbo.
Clever little gadget, sir.
Our pilots have got enough instruments to control without that nonsense.
It's simple enough.
It only works when the guns are fired, sir.
(Air-raid siren) Thank you, Corporal.
You're not impressed? I take pilots' word of honour.
It's as simple as that.
It's a matter of principle.
Our chaps are going up five, six, seven times a day and then you don't trust them.
I don't really like this dugout.
Why can't they decorate the place? If you've seen one sandbag, you've seen 'em all.
What do you think, Amanda? Do you think they'd paint the place? I'd rather have wallpaper.
Amanda's going to be an interior decorator when she grows up.
Now look what you've done.
(Explosions) I don't know about you, chaps, but this is time for my mid-morning coffee.
(Explosions)