Planet Sex with Cara Delevingne (2022) s01e05 Episode Script
Monogamish
1
Here's how the fairy tale goes.
Fall in love. Get married. Be faithful.
Grow old together and die.
I do.
Not.
I've lived most of my life
thinking marriage was my destiny.
But look around. Divorce everywhere
and a whole lot of cheating going on.
It's the sex menu.
He's definitely not
faithful. Look at that guy.
The dream of one true love
ain't cutting it anymore.
And it's easy to find almost,
but love is so much more complicated.
It's not a fairy tale. If
anything, it's a scary movie.
With, you know, nice
parts in the middle, yeah.
Is there a better way to find love
with more than just one person?
She's my wife, and
then he's our boyfriend.
This one is a polyamorous
group of people
hanging out together, casually.
Of course.
Is it your wedding day today?
- Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!
- Thank you.
How many times have you been in love?
This is probably the only time.
Do you believe that monogamy is
what comes naturally to humans?
I don't think that it's
something that comes naturally,
but I do think it's something
that we've come to expect.
If for some crazy reason, one of
you ended up wanting someone else,
or, like, wanting to
explore maybe something,
would you expect to be honest about it?
I guess it would depend
on the circumstances.
- Yeah.
- Um
I think if I felt like there was
some sort of, like, premeditation,
- I think it'd be over immediately.
- Yeah, of course it would.
But I feel like if it was
something that happened unexpectedly
and if my heart felt like
I wanted to keep trying,
- I probably would do that. Yeah.
- Thank you.
You seem so calm for somebody
who's about to get married.
- Thank you.
- You look absolutely so stunning.
- I hope you have an incredible day.
- Thank you.
It's not the fairy tale we've been fed.
I just think that's what
every fell fairy
What every fell
Wow.
Every time I'm in love, I envision
marrying the person that I'm with,
and I do envision being with
them for the rest of my life.
I'm an old school-hopeless
romantic in that way.
Whether or not that lasts,
it's what I feel in that moment.
Once I'm in love, then it's, like
and everything else is
just, "Goodbye, world."
But once you go through heartbreak
and then heartbreak and heartbreak,
you go, "Wait, this is not
worth it. This is silly."
If it breaks again, what if
it doesn't get back together?
I mean, I'm still mending
from not one relationship
but three, four three.
Yeah.
Being in all these relationships,
I thought I knew what I was looking for,
but maybe now I don't
really know what that is.
I want to discover what else there is
because usually I've just
kind of gone for monogamy,
but maybe that isn't the right answer.
I really want to believe in love
and marriage and all that stuff.
But after a string of relationships,
my love life needs a makeover.
So I'm starting by asking the
most basic question of all,
what is love?
Forget poets and philosophers.
This is one where science
might have the edge.
So, we are in Santa Barbara.
I'm about to meet a scientist
who is going to show me
what love looks like in my brain.
Or even if I have one at all, so
The woman with this terrifying power?
Bianca Acevedo.
She can tell if you are in love
just by scanning your brain.
- Hi. Hey. I'm Cara.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you. Come on in.
We're going to ask you
to change into scrubs
to make sure you don't have any metal,
and then we'll get you started.
Oh, my God. Okay, cool.
Now, the idea is that
my brain will be scanned
while I look at a load of photos
of different people from across my life.
Oh, my gosh, it's chilly.
Are these going to keep
me warm? Not really.
We're going to give you a blanket.
Pictures of family, close
friends and relationships.
I'll be talking to you.
I'll say, "This next scan is
gonna be five minutes long.
Hold still as much as you can."
If I feel love, my brain
will light up in a very particular way
and the MRI machine
will basically reveal
my secrets to the world.
Okay, Cara, are you ready?
Yeah.
Counting down, three, three, two, one.
The first photo Bianca randomly selects
is an old friend I'm extremely close to
and who also happens to
be incredibly attractive.
Now, how do we know she's not asleep?
We don't.
Hey, Cara, how are you doing?
She's snoring.
She's snoring.
Cara?
- Cara? How are you doing?
- I'm good.
- You fell asleep.
- I know. I snore. I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Hey, it was comfy, warm and dark.
And looking at my friend
just made me feel secure.
- Quick blast of caffeine
- Goodnight.
and it's back into the love machine.
It's just really cosy here.
Here we go.
After a few more photos of
other friends and family,
Bianca shows me someone
I've had a rather
complicated relationship with.
We're looking at what
Cara's brain is doing
when she's looking at
images of her ex-partner.
How is everything going?
- Good.
- Fantastic.
We're going to come in and get you now.
The study is over.
A quick breather, and it's results time.
What did you find out?
Yeah, so we typically see this
First up, my hot friend.
What does my brain have to say?
When you look at the picture
of the person you admire,
your brain activity
is not that much there.
Doc, you see a lack of
love, I see a sneaky snooze.
Now, let's see how my brain reacts
to a much more complex relationship.
So, you ready to see your
brain response to your ex?
Sure.
- This is the response to your ex.
- Jesus Christ.
So you're showing activity
in both the right and the
left ventral tegmental area
that we see in people that are in love.
- Wait, what?
- We see this brain activation
- in people that are in love.
- No way.
Yep.
Right. Cool. Good to know.
Oh, God.
- Were you expecting to see that?
- Definitely not.
But I understand there's a
strong emotional response.
But it definitely wasn't
love. It was sadness and anger.
But is that what love
is meant to be like? No.
Well, we do see a lot of activation
in the areas related
to emotional memory.
Thanks brain for making
me aware of these things.
Apparently, feeling in love
stimulates bits of the brain
that release the rewarding,
feel-good chemical dopamine.
Love is basically a drug.
The ventral tegmental area
lights up in response to rewards.
So, in response to the
face image of your ex,
you still find it rewarding.
- Life is complicated.
- It is indeed.
One of the things that
has been most surprising
is just how tenacious love is.
Like, it's a really strong drive.
Even if couples are
not always doing great,
there is still a strong
bonding connection there.
They will still show
this intense reward-related
activity in their brain.
- Love is a beautiful thing.
- No.
But what Bianca's uncomfortably
revealing work shows
is that love is real and tenacious,
even if we're not always
conscious of our response.
No wonder it sometimes
feels like an addiction.
And that sense of reward leads us
to this whole business
of monogamous marriage.
I was definitely sold
the wedding fantasy.
Yeah, it was all the idea
of, like, marrying someone
that will look after you
and maybe have, like, a
nice title in their name.
But I was like, "I just don't
want to rely on anyone ever.
I want to make all my
own money and I want to
rely on myself and myself only. See ya."
But that's me, and that probably leans
into more of my little,
like, masculine boy side.
I don't feel like monogamous marriage
would work for me, and
I know I'm not alone.
Welcome to Japan,
where those reservations
about old-school weddings
are getting a very modern twist.
I'll attend a wedding
I don't know much about,
but I've heard it's not
your average wedding.
Midori is 28 and a stunning bride.
So, what about the groom?
It started three years ago.
Well, when I first saw Morgyn,
I saw him, I was kind of surprised
and couldn't look directly
at him for a moment.
I felt like I was really struck.
I felt that I was already
attracted to him at first sight.
But when the groom is wheeled in,
this wedding suddenly
takes an unexpected turn.
He's a character
in a computer game called The Sims 4,
and his name is Morgyn Ember.
I'm actually a huge fan of The Sims.
It was something I used to
play a lot when I was younger.
I always felt very attached.
I've been following his
movements in the game
for a long, long time now.
And I've noticed that he's giving me
a very favourable look
from behind the screen,
and I felt that in my heart.
We will continue to love
and support each other,
and to spend a lifetime together.
Now, I would like to ask
you two to please kiss.
I was afflicted by a severe
inferiority complex back then.
He accepts me exactly as I am.
And the moment I realised that,
I suddenly became able
to accept him as real.
How much pressure was
there to get married?
In Japan, the idea still remains
that women are supposed
to marry and have children.
More than ten years
ago, my mother told me,
"Hurry up and get married
so I can play with my grandchildren."
I don't want to have children
just to be playthings for my parents.
Okay, at first I was bamboozled.
But getting to know Midori, I
realise this is a unique reaction
to the weight of her
family's expectations.
Marrying fictional
characters isn't for me,
but I can massively relate to her.
What do you feel like meeting Morgyn
has made you understand about yourself?
I believe, that Morgyn
is a transgender man.
I realised, I was able to learn,
that gender is not just men and women.
And I thought, while
I was focusing on him,
"Maybe I'm not a woman either.
Maybe there's part of
me that feels masculine?"
Through Morgyn, Midori
discovered she's X-gender,
the Japanese equivalent of non-binary.
Morgyn also helped Midori
unlock her sexuality.
I am probably bisexual,
but I wasn't able to accept myself.
But because I liked Morgyn,
I realised it is something
that can be accepted as normal.
I'm beginning to get it.
Midori is young, queer
and gender-questioning
in a traditional society
where same-sex marriage
still isn't legal.
So she's living out her dreams of love
through a monogamous wedding ceremony
making the old rituals work for her.
We hereby pronounce the two of you
to be officially husband and wife.
Congratulations!
I feel that by actually
holding the wedding ceremony
here in the real world,
I really want to walk more
with him in this reality.
It's a step beyond the relationship
between the player and
the person in the game.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Yay!
The love that was exuding,
you could feel it in every
ounce of what she was saying.
I felt so overly emotional
and happy for her,
and that's the most
incredible thing in the world.
She's found the greatest
gift in the world, self-love.
It's not just Japan
where heterosexual monogamous marriage
is being questioned.
32% of Americans have
never walked down the aisle.
Global divorce rates have
nearly doubled since 1970.
So no surprise then cheating
is on the up, up, up.
Good luck staying faithful in Italy,
where 47% of men admit to affairs.
What about the boring old Brits?
Surprisingly, 20% of
us are playing away.
While across the pond in the US,
20% of men and 13% of women
fess up to marital infidelity.
Have you ever been cheated on?
What's that like?
It's rough. Yeah, being
cheated on is not ideal.
But, you know, I've also cheated.
I usually prefer to be broken up with
than to break up with someone.
I find the guilt of breaking
up with someone harder
than being broken up with.
I'd rather stay in the
relationship until it eats me alive.
It's a very weird thing to do.
I don't know why I stay.
The problem is as well when
you don't have much self-worth,
if someone cheats on you, you
take them back and let it go,
which is the stupidest thing.
Once you lose trust for
someone, it will never come back.
Why continue being in a relationship
where you don't trust someone?
Beats me. But I've done it.
Cheating is so widespread,
it's a no-brainer we humans find
strict monogamy so difficult.
But in one country, changing
attitudes toward infidelity
appear to have created
a business opportunity.
Mexico City, devoutly
Catholic, nuns galore.
Yet, if you're looking for a place
for some very glamorous two-timing,
here you're spoilt for choice.
Now we are going to a love hotel
to see one of the
most important factors,
which is privacy.
Where guilt and shame are not invited.
It is made to enjoy and relax.
Aidee has seen more than
a hundred love hotels
open in Mexico City
in the last ten years.
And they're all over the country.
"What's a love hotel?" I hear you ask.
Well, this ought to give you a clue.
Firstly, we know that there
is a market for adultery.
We have different attractions
in different rooms.
But there is a wonderful feature,
which is the sex menu.
And this means that you
can order to your room
anything from costumes,
lubricants, love toys.
We really insist you get out of bed
and do the same things
in brand new ways.
Can you bring me some drinks, please?
Yes. Thanks.
I think they've arrived.
Here it is. Drinks. Okay?
The waiter has brought them already.
Without me having to
interact with anyone.
Today visiting a hotel equals cheating.
But why are all these
love hotels appearing now?
Well, until recently, just
having an affair in Mexico
could land you in jail.
Then ten years ago, the law changed.
Suddenly, cheating was legal.
And love hotels went
from secret and seedy
to boutique and mainstream.
Five out of every ten women
and six out of every ten men
admit to having been unfaithful.
Whereas ten or 15 years ago,
it was basically 60%
of men and 30% of women.
That's a near doubling
of infidelity rates
amongst the ladies in a decade or so.
So, it's really interesting how women
maybe now they are
admitting to being unfaithful
more than they did before.
Or maybe they are more open
to having these affairs.
Changing the law lifted
the penalties for infidelity
for both men and women.
Yeah, go equality!
But is equal opportunities
adultery actually a win?
Let's just say yes.
Now the gap between men who
admit to being unfaithful
and women who admit to
having been unfaithful
at least once in their lives
has completely closed.
But is it really a surprise
that so many of us are
rubbish at monogamy?
After all, we're animals,
and zoo keeper Alexi Grousis
reckons we've got a lot to learn
from the birds and the bees.
And don't forget the horny beasts.
You want to check out these
animals? I'll lead the way.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
When we look at the animal kingdom,
especially the animals that
are most closely related to us,
we see that monogamy
is not as common as
we'd like to think it is.
Look at him. I make owl sounds.
Oh, my God, owls are so cool.
Monogamy is most commonly seen
in birds, less so in the primates.
When you look at the primates,
they get a little more promiscuous.
I'm more feather than fur,
I think, so far at least.
And as for the reptiles
Turn around. He's
definitely not faithful.
Look at that guy.
And, guys, no prizes for
guessing which bit of your anatomy
shows just where us humans
lie on the fidelity spectrum.
- What is this?
- Yeah.
I've put together a nice
little demonstration for you.
I've got the relative testes
size of different animals.
- So
- Can we call them ?
- I don't. I'm American.
- I'm English, though.
- All right. They're
- Or testes or whatever you
Wait, what? You can't say ?
- Is that a bad word?
- But you can say "testes"?
- It might be wise to say testicles?
- Testicles.
Testicles? That's Oops.
When we look at this one right here,
this is roughly the size of
an owl monkey's testicles,
which is a very monogamous animal.
The testicle size is
almost directly related
to the amount of sperm produced.
But is that meaning
the bigger you have,
the more likely you are
to be less monogamous?
Potentially. This one right here,
that would be the rough size
of a chimpanzee testicle.
- No!
- Yeah.
So big equals promiscuity.
They produce a lot of sperm
and a lot of males
compete with each other.
- I have a lot of questions now.
- Yeah.
Well, before you ask those,
let me show you this one.
And humans
are neither strictly monogamous
nor highly promiscuous.
- We sit kind of right in the middle.
- In the middle.
That's never something
I've heard with before.
Yeah, no kidding, right?
Right, let's get this straight.
Nature has given us, I
mean, males, medium sized
Sorry, testicles.
It sounds like we're designed
to be neither totally monogamous,
nor totally polygamous.
Let's say, flexible.
So, biology says flexible,
but society wants stable.
Can we square the circle and
have both variety and commitment?
Here's an idea. How
about throupling it up?
- My name is Johnisha.
- My name is Jeron.
And my name is Destiny.
She's my wife, and
then he's our boyfriend.
- Oh, you did the same thing.
- I did.
I personally like the uncomfort
of, like, when we walk into a room
and nobody knows what our dynamic is.
People fill in the
details how they will.
So, what brought this
tantalising trio together?
We got married last year.
We had actually started wanting
to have kids around that time.
We either wanted a donor,
or we wanted somebody
that was going to also be
like a father in the life.
So, me and Jeron actually
dated seven years ago,
and we stayed friends
and eventually, like,
being in a throuple
sort of kind of fell into our lap.
As far as it being all three
people on the same page,
- this is my first time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. For all three of us.
- Yeah, same. For all three.
We're always getting like,
"Don't you guys get jealous?
Oh, I could never share my man."
But he's like, "Oh,
you got two girlfriends?
High five dude!" Like
Usually it always goes to sex.
"How do you guys have sex?" Like,
I don't know. Google. Like
Especially in the beginning, we had
a lot of just honest conversations.
If you can't communicate
with just one partner,
two partners is going to be harder.
So communication is key.
Good thing this throuple
have communication sorted
because baby Isiah's arrival
means domestic arrangements
need a lot more thought
and organisation.
There was a lot of questions
about how logistically
everything would work.
With there being three
sets of grandparents
and three sets of aunts and uncles,
everybody wanted to make
sure they'd have their time.
Relationships come
in all different ways.
It's not something I'd do.
But, you know I figure, if
you don't like it, don't do it.
But it seems that
it's working with them.
I like the way they get along together
and, you know, co-parent.
I give them credit.
Society says you should
be with one person,
but, you know, we are human
and we have these emotions,
so I don't think it should just
be limited to just one person.
It doesn't have to be for everyone,
but, you know, it works for
us, and we're happy with it.
It's just more love.
It's just more parents.
It's more grandparents.
It's more aunts, more uncles.
Our village to raise our baby
is already a step ahead of most.
These suburban throuple trailblazers
show that relationship
dynamics are all different.
And they've created an
alternative type of family
that works for them.
Maybe now's the time for me
to seriously consider
my relationship future.
Monogamy has never worked out for me.
But are there any right answers?
Luckily, I know just the
evolutionary anthropologist
to help.
So yeah, I want to ask you what
is biologically, socially ?
Am I meant to be monogamous?
What can I do? Tell me, doctor.
So, the inputs into how we end up
in terms of our relationship
structures are two, okay?
You have the biological
input, your instincts.
But then we have the really
quite powerful cultural influence
on how you behave in relationships
and what structures you find.
And that's really influenced
by what society tells you is expected,
maybe the religion you follow,
your examples as you were brought up.
That can actually overpower
that biological instinct.
There's no right answer.
The organisation of
relationships is a spectrum.
We've got, like, monogamy here,
right up to more complex
things like polyamory.
Given absolute free rein as a
human, you should have the choice
to sit on that spectrum
where you feel comfortable.
Unfortunately, obviously,
in many societies
that freedom is not there.
What's your life experience,
your relationship history?
I mean, it's
I've usually tend to have been
in long-term relationships,
quite close-ish to each other,
and, you know, always been monogamous
until like there's been, like
maybe an arrangement made
at some point later in,
but that's always been
the end of it, anyway.
I don't know, I've been
single for two years.
Because I have been single
for the longest time I ever have been,
I would like someone to tell me,
"This is what you're meant to have."
If it is, "You should be married
with a girlfriend and a boyfriend,"
I'd be, like, "Dope, cool.
Now I know what I'm aiming for,
and let me fill those spots."
You meet one person,
get married, have kids.
Like, I like someone telling
me what I need to go for
instead of kind of this just endless
How many people, one
person or what gender, or
Ah, it's a lot! It's confusing.
It's way more complicated
because how do I know when that
How do I know when I've found my family?
So, forget right and wrong.
The relationships that
work for us as individuals
are a stew of biology, social
norms and good-old fashioned lust.
Society sold me the dream of monogamy.
But polygamy, multi-partner marriage,
dates way back to ancient times
and is legal or tolerated
in over 50 countries.
Problem is, in most cases,
it's one man, many wives,
and I've got to say,
it seems like it's not
a good deal for women.
But one woman is on a
mission to shake all that up.
I currently have three
intimate partners.
Nyamakela, he is a heterosexual man.
He is the father of my
children. He's my fiancé.
Also, my nesting partner,
which basically means we
do house things together,
we take care of the
children, we have bills,
we have that every day
kind of living relationship.
Yeah, I'm very, very blessed.
And my second partner is Kerline.
Kerline, come get.
Our dynamic is more of a BDSM dynamic.
We met through a mutual friend,
and I'm struggling to focus
because Muvumbi's doing this thing.
She has like this twinkle
thing that happens.
Why are you twinkling at me?
Because I love you.
My third partner is MJ.
MJ is my light love affair.
We love listening to music
together and holding hands.
Muvumbi's got a lot,
literally, all bases covered.
Domesticity, intimacy and BDSM.
So, what more does she want?
Well, she also wants to get married.
If I can marry a man and a woman,
that's always been my dream.
There's just one problem.
At the moment, that's
illegal in South Africa.
Men can marry multiple wives, polygyny.
At one time, former South African
president Jacob Zuma had four wives.
But women cannot marry
multiple husbands, polyandry,
let alone take a wife and a husband.
I'm an activist and I think that
I'm very vocal about polyamory
because it is so close to
my value, which is freedom.
I am a member of Poly ZA,
which is a polyamorous
group in South Africa.
Muvumbi is campaigning to get
the law changed, and guess what?
The government's now mulling over
a new bill that would
legalise polyandry.
The signing of the bill
to make it legal for women
to marry more than one lover
opens that up for me.
I think it's my right to
have access to all pleasure.
Men have been living that,
and we all want equal rights.
Even though a lot of
people feel like poly people
aren't about commitment
and marriage, I really am.
And I want to build a family.
I want to build a tribe.
- Hi.
- Hey, babe. Hey, boyfriend.
I think I'm the resident boyfriend.
That's the best title I
can think of, you know.
But the thing is, Nyamakela
is really not your average guy.
- Yeah.
- The fact that this is possible,
that I can make a
salad with my two lovers
makes me so happy.
So, Muvumbi wants to marry everyone?
I wouldn't say the more the better
because you can get saturated.
Everybody has their limits, yeah.
And I think right now mine is three.
My saturation limit? Not sure yet.
Can I really imagine myself
marrying multiple partners?
In my fantasy in now,
what am I thinking about?
Yeah, I would love to live on a
farm with my five wives and one man.
Can I say that?
I don't want five
wives. That's exhausting.
Okay, loads of husbands
and wives may not be for me.
So, how do I work out what is
my ideal kind of relationship?
Can science help me decide?
I don't think it's very
attractive that I'm spitting.
What are they going to test with this?
So, this is like a genotyping test.
Hold, please.
Different things to basically see
if like, to tell me more
about my biology of relationships.
If I'm genetically destined to
be in long-term relationships,
- or if I'm more likely to be single.
- Amazing. All from a bit of spit.
All from a bit of spit.
And for the results?
Well, it's back to my
brainy friend, Dr Anna.
We asked you for some of your spit
and we extracted the DNA from that.
And what we're looking at
is three particular genes
associated with how you
behave when you're in love.
So, no gene is deterministic,
but it's a good pointer.
How did you find this?
How do we correlate that
between the actual genes
and what it shows with
our relationship history?
Okay, so what we did
was we took a lot of spit
from about 4,000 people.
We took their relationship histories
and lots of psychological measures
about their attachment, their
socio-sexual orientation,
their empathy, all these
different sorts of things.
And we looked as whether
there was a relationship
between certain genes
and some of those traits.
There certainly is a genetic influence
on the way we love, on the way we feel,
and in terms of how we behave
when we're in a relationship.
You're so good at your
job, man. It's amazing.
I'm so I just want to know
I can't What else do I do?
So, Cara, your test results show
that you do not have the nesting gene.
So you are not overly motivated
to be in a long-term pair bond.
That you sit midway
on the empathy spectrum
and that you do not have the gene
that's going to increase the
likelihood that you are single.
Again, confusing, but I like it.
So, your propensity is more
towards having a relationship
than not having a relationship.
None of these things are making
me so sure about who I am.
This is because love is complicated.
Yeah, that's why I
long to not be single,
but I love being alone.
Nesting. Get it. Kind of.
My genes aren't my destiny.
That's a complex mix of environment,
biology and just plain chance.
In fact, the cutting-edge
research Anna talked about
shows 32% of people in relationships
carry the gene making them
more likely to be single.
But it looks like genetics are
a powerful influence on intimacy.
Yeah, so I learnt
that I am not a nester.
I'm medium empathy.
People feel double as
much as me to other people.
That's like a lot. Yeah,
I hate being medium.
I never want to be middle anything.
I'd rather have none or all.
That I get obsessive.
So I'm not likely to have
long-term relationships genetically,
but I don't wanna be single
either. That's cool, confusing.
Thanks, Mum and Dad. I
definitely do want to change.
I think I have a very
unhealthy relationship
with attachment, with love,
still with self-love and patterns.
And it's just the
longer I stay single,
I realise it takes a
long time to change.
So, is there a way to have it all?
The variety and thrills that
come with more than one partner
but instead of being deceptive
and secretive about it,
being open and honest instead.
Funny story, here I am
frantically searching
for a group of polyamourists.
No luck so far.
But I have found a
fabulous santarillion 1964.
Here we go. Hurrah!
So cool. Hi, guys.
- Hi!
- Hi!
Welcome to a polyamorous cocktail party,
run by the fabulously
named Sex Positive LA.
So, I'm really excited
to meet all of you guys.
I've always been curious
about different ways of relationships.
I think a lot of people aren't
even aware of the options.
This is an interesting time.
It's kind of, like, a
new sexual revolution
of people really figuring out
what's going to make them happy
and seeing that there's
different ways to do things.
And you don't have to sacrifice
your happiness for someone else.
Looks like I've found an explorer
who's been on this relationship journey
for longer than me.
This one is a polyamorous
group of people
hanging out together, casually,
and, like, nerd out about
what it means to be poly
I love that nerding out about
poly. That's interesting.
I don't now what the
rules are. Are there rules?
There's no one way to do any of this.
Just like there's not
one way to do monogamy.
So, there's different
types of polyamory.
For example, solo poly.
One person dating multiple people,
but kind of no ties to each person.
There's kitchen table polyamory,
where there's maybe multiple people
who are with all other partners
and get along harmoniously.
- Um
- Cool.
There's a V that's
literally the like letter V.
So, there's one person
dating two people.
There's endless
different configurations.
To be polyamorous, do you have
to relinquish jealousy completely?
Most polyamorous people would say
that jealousy comes up for them.
Communication is so important.
Like, what is the reason
why I feel jealous?
Like, something emotional happening,
I felt like you should have been
checking in with me as we all as
Sure, and that's the thing. In
a harmonious poly relationship,
you would be figuring
out how to thwart that
before it gets to that
point of anger or resentment.
I love the constant communication.
Because of the
relationships I've been in
I was very unable to express
when I was hurt, when
I wasn't treated well.
I'm now desperate to learn
about the highs and lows of polyamory
from people who live them.
What drew you to polyamory?
What does it mean to you?
- What has it brought to your life?
- It's just a way of being.
- It's my identity.
- Yeah.
So, it's not taking anything
away from any other person,
and it's just adding more.
Really gives you the
opportunity to figure out
what works for you and
your partner, or partners.
Just honesty.
Which might change and develop.
Doesn't need to be
the same for everyone.
Unfortunately, it ruins almost
every love story in most movies.
From our perspective,
when somebody is like,
"Oh, I love them and them."
We're always like, "Both!"
Love them all. Yes, be
transparent. We'll be over it.
So, I'm married, and my
discovery of polyamory
sort of coincided with meeting my wife.
I'd just gotten out of a relationship
where we tried to be just open.
I was in a relationship
when I was asked to open it,
which I basically knew was
the end of the relationship
because to me an open
relationship didn't make sense.
But polyamory makes more sense. Why?
I would say that polyamory
falls under the category
of a certain type of
open relationship maybe?
But most people when they're
asking for the open relationship,
they're asking to be open sexually
and then to not have any feelings.
- Which is yes.
- Which you can't really control.
In a lot of previous
monogamous relationships,
I've felt leashed,
I've felt collared,
and that makes me
want to break out more.
Yes, feel trapped, 2so you want to be,
"Okay, I'm not a caged animal."
In this short moment, I can
see how individual, how smart,
how emotionally developed
all these things
I can always, like,
refrain myself sexually,
but emotionally I have
connections with people.
And that was never okay.
Thank you. Each of
you dropped something.
I was like, "Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom, yay!"
I cannot even explain how much I learned
in such a short amount of time.
I was always intrigued
by polyamory, the idea.
I think it gets a bad rep.
People talk about it
who don't understand it
in so many different ways.
And I still don't know. I
can have solo polyamory
Whatever I'm experiencing right
now definitely leads more towards
something that isn't
conventional, for sure.
I still don't know what it is.
But I'm so much more
excited to continue exploring
without feeling the unsureness
or guilt or aloneness
that I guess I was before.
What I have learnt in
this whole experience
is the dynamics and the beauty of
so many different relationships.
No one can tell you how
to live your relationship
or what the rules are.
I think there are no rules.
The way that we're moving into
the future is so much more open
and able to let people be who they want
and love who they
want and how they want.
I don't know if I can be in
love with multiple people,
but I love multiple people.
And I feel very lucky to be able
to have that support and bond
with so many people.
But, in terms of love, the
most important relationship
and the most important love
you can have is for yourself.
There's no point being in a relationship
until you can fully love yourself
because you can't truly
love someone until you do.
So, while I spend my days
figuring all this shit out,
there's only one special someone for me.
He is yes, it is a he,
loyal, faithful, a perfect match.
And yes, just a little naughty.
This is perfect puppy love.
Here's how the fairy tale goes.
Fall in love. Get married. Be faithful.
Grow old together and die.
I do.
Not.
I've lived most of my life
thinking marriage was my destiny.
But look around. Divorce everywhere
and a whole lot of cheating going on.
It's the sex menu.
He's definitely not
faithful. Look at that guy.
The dream of one true love
ain't cutting it anymore.
And it's easy to find almost,
but love is so much more complicated.
It's not a fairy tale. If
anything, it's a scary movie.
With, you know, nice
parts in the middle, yeah.
Is there a better way to find love
with more than just one person?
She's my wife, and
then he's our boyfriend.
This one is a polyamorous
group of people
hanging out together, casually.
Of course.
Is it your wedding day today?
- Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!
- Thank you.
How many times have you been in love?
This is probably the only time.
Do you believe that monogamy is
what comes naturally to humans?
I don't think that it's
something that comes naturally,
but I do think it's something
that we've come to expect.
If for some crazy reason, one of
you ended up wanting someone else,
or, like, wanting to
explore maybe something,
would you expect to be honest about it?
I guess it would depend
on the circumstances.
- Yeah.
- Um
I think if I felt like there was
some sort of, like, premeditation,
- I think it'd be over immediately.
- Yeah, of course it would.
But I feel like if it was
something that happened unexpectedly
and if my heart felt like
I wanted to keep trying,
- I probably would do that. Yeah.
- Thank you.
You seem so calm for somebody
who's about to get married.
- Thank you.
- You look absolutely so stunning.
- I hope you have an incredible day.
- Thank you.
It's not the fairy tale we've been fed.
I just think that's what
every fell fairy
What every fell
Wow.
Every time I'm in love, I envision
marrying the person that I'm with,
and I do envision being with
them for the rest of my life.
I'm an old school-hopeless
romantic in that way.
Whether or not that lasts,
it's what I feel in that moment.
Once I'm in love, then it's, like
and everything else is
just, "Goodbye, world."
But once you go through heartbreak
and then heartbreak and heartbreak,
you go, "Wait, this is not
worth it. This is silly."
If it breaks again, what if
it doesn't get back together?
I mean, I'm still mending
from not one relationship
but three, four three.
Yeah.
Being in all these relationships,
I thought I knew what I was looking for,
but maybe now I don't
really know what that is.
I want to discover what else there is
because usually I've just
kind of gone for monogamy,
but maybe that isn't the right answer.
I really want to believe in love
and marriage and all that stuff.
But after a string of relationships,
my love life needs a makeover.
So I'm starting by asking the
most basic question of all,
what is love?
Forget poets and philosophers.
This is one where science
might have the edge.
So, we are in Santa Barbara.
I'm about to meet a scientist
who is going to show me
what love looks like in my brain.
Or even if I have one at all, so
The woman with this terrifying power?
Bianca Acevedo.
She can tell if you are in love
just by scanning your brain.
- Hi. Hey. I'm Cara.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you. Come on in.
We're going to ask you
to change into scrubs
to make sure you don't have any metal,
and then we'll get you started.
Oh, my God. Okay, cool.
Now, the idea is that
my brain will be scanned
while I look at a load of photos
of different people from across my life.
Oh, my gosh, it's chilly.
Are these going to keep
me warm? Not really.
We're going to give you a blanket.
Pictures of family, close
friends and relationships.
I'll be talking to you.
I'll say, "This next scan is
gonna be five minutes long.
Hold still as much as you can."
If I feel love, my brain
will light up in a very particular way
and the MRI machine
will basically reveal
my secrets to the world.
Okay, Cara, are you ready?
Yeah.
Counting down, three, three, two, one.
The first photo Bianca randomly selects
is an old friend I'm extremely close to
and who also happens to
be incredibly attractive.
Now, how do we know she's not asleep?
We don't.
Hey, Cara, how are you doing?
She's snoring.
She's snoring.
Cara?
- Cara? How are you doing?
- I'm good.
- You fell asleep.
- I know. I snore. I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Hey, it was comfy, warm and dark.
And looking at my friend
just made me feel secure.
- Quick blast of caffeine
- Goodnight.
and it's back into the love machine.
It's just really cosy here.
Here we go.
After a few more photos of
other friends and family,
Bianca shows me someone
I've had a rather
complicated relationship with.
We're looking at what
Cara's brain is doing
when she's looking at
images of her ex-partner.
How is everything going?
- Good.
- Fantastic.
We're going to come in and get you now.
The study is over.
A quick breather, and it's results time.
What did you find out?
Yeah, so we typically see this
First up, my hot friend.
What does my brain have to say?
When you look at the picture
of the person you admire,
your brain activity
is not that much there.
Doc, you see a lack of
love, I see a sneaky snooze.
Now, let's see how my brain reacts
to a much more complex relationship.
So, you ready to see your
brain response to your ex?
Sure.
- This is the response to your ex.
- Jesus Christ.
So you're showing activity
in both the right and the
left ventral tegmental area
that we see in people that are in love.
- Wait, what?
- We see this brain activation
- in people that are in love.
- No way.
Yep.
Right. Cool. Good to know.
Oh, God.
- Were you expecting to see that?
- Definitely not.
But I understand there's a
strong emotional response.
But it definitely wasn't
love. It was sadness and anger.
But is that what love
is meant to be like? No.
Well, we do see a lot of activation
in the areas related
to emotional memory.
Thanks brain for making
me aware of these things.
Apparently, feeling in love
stimulates bits of the brain
that release the rewarding,
feel-good chemical dopamine.
Love is basically a drug.
The ventral tegmental area
lights up in response to rewards.
So, in response to the
face image of your ex,
you still find it rewarding.
- Life is complicated.
- It is indeed.
One of the things that
has been most surprising
is just how tenacious love is.
Like, it's a really strong drive.
Even if couples are
not always doing great,
there is still a strong
bonding connection there.
They will still show
this intense reward-related
activity in their brain.
- Love is a beautiful thing.
- No.
But what Bianca's uncomfortably
revealing work shows
is that love is real and tenacious,
even if we're not always
conscious of our response.
No wonder it sometimes
feels like an addiction.
And that sense of reward leads us
to this whole business
of monogamous marriage.
I was definitely sold
the wedding fantasy.
Yeah, it was all the idea
of, like, marrying someone
that will look after you
and maybe have, like, a
nice title in their name.
But I was like, "I just don't
want to rely on anyone ever.
I want to make all my
own money and I want to
rely on myself and myself only. See ya."
But that's me, and that probably leans
into more of my little,
like, masculine boy side.
I don't feel like monogamous marriage
would work for me, and
I know I'm not alone.
Welcome to Japan,
where those reservations
about old-school weddings
are getting a very modern twist.
I'll attend a wedding
I don't know much about,
but I've heard it's not
your average wedding.
Midori is 28 and a stunning bride.
So, what about the groom?
It started three years ago.
Well, when I first saw Morgyn,
I saw him, I was kind of surprised
and couldn't look directly
at him for a moment.
I felt like I was really struck.
I felt that I was already
attracted to him at first sight.
But when the groom is wheeled in,
this wedding suddenly
takes an unexpected turn.
He's a character
in a computer game called The Sims 4,
and his name is Morgyn Ember.
I'm actually a huge fan of The Sims.
It was something I used to
play a lot when I was younger.
I always felt very attached.
I've been following his
movements in the game
for a long, long time now.
And I've noticed that he's giving me
a very favourable look
from behind the screen,
and I felt that in my heart.
We will continue to love
and support each other,
and to spend a lifetime together.
Now, I would like to ask
you two to please kiss.
I was afflicted by a severe
inferiority complex back then.
He accepts me exactly as I am.
And the moment I realised that,
I suddenly became able
to accept him as real.
How much pressure was
there to get married?
In Japan, the idea still remains
that women are supposed
to marry and have children.
More than ten years
ago, my mother told me,
"Hurry up and get married
so I can play with my grandchildren."
I don't want to have children
just to be playthings for my parents.
Okay, at first I was bamboozled.
But getting to know Midori, I
realise this is a unique reaction
to the weight of her
family's expectations.
Marrying fictional
characters isn't for me,
but I can massively relate to her.
What do you feel like meeting Morgyn
has made you understand about yourself?
I believe, that Morgyn
is a transgender man.
I realised, I was able to learn,
that gender is not just men and women.
And I thought, while
I was focusing on him,
"Maybe I'm not a woman either.
Maybe there's part of
me that feels masculine?"
Through Morgyn, Midori
discovered she's X-gender,
the Japanese equivalent of non-binary.
Morgyn also helped Midori
unlock her sexuality.
I am probably bisexual,
but I wasn't able to accept myself.
But because I liked Morgyn,
I realised it is something
that can be accepted as normal.
I'm beginning to get it.
Midori is young, queer
and gender-questioning
in a traditional society
where same-sex marriage
still isn't legal.
So she's living out her dreams of love
through a monogamous wedding ceremony
making the old rituals work for her.
We hereby pronounce the two of you
to be officially husband and wife.
Congratulations!
I feel that by actually
holding the wedding ceremony
here in the real world,
I really want to walk more
with him in this reality.
It's a step beyond the relationship
between the player and
the person in the game.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Yay!
The love that was exuding,
you could feel it in every
ounce of what she was saying.
I felt so overly emotional
and happy for her,
and that's the most
incredible thing in the world.
She's found the greatest
gift in the world, self-love.
It's not just Japan
where heterosexual monogamous marriage
is being questioned.
32% of Americans have
never walked down the aisle.
Global divorce rates have
nearly doubled since 1970.
So no surprise then cheating
is on the up, up, up.
Good luck staying faithful in Italy,
where 47% of men admit to affairs.
What about the boring old Brits?
Surprisingly, 20% of
us are playing away.
While across the pond in the US,
20% of men and 13% of women
fess up to marital infidelity.
Have you ever been cheated on?
What's that like?
It's rough. Yeah, being
cheated on is not ideal.
But, you know, I've also cheated.
I usually prefer to be broken up with
than to break up with someone.
I find the guilt of breaking
up with someone harder
than being broken up with.
I'd rather stay in the
relationship until it eats me alive.
It's a very weird thing to do.
I don't know why I stay.
The problem is as well when
you don't have much self-worth,
if someone cheats on you, you
take them back and let it go,
which is the stupidest thing.
Once you lose trust for
someone, it will never come back.
Why continue being in a relationship
where you don't trust someone?
Beats me. But I've done it.
Cheating is so widespread,
it's a no-brainer we humans find
strict monogamy so difficult.
But in one country, changing
attitudes toward infidelity
appear to have created
a business opportunity.
Mexico City, devoutly
Catholic, nuns galore.
Yet, if you're looking for a place
for some very glamorous two-timing,
here you're spoilt for choice.
Now we are going to a love hotel
to see one of the
most important factors,
which is privacy.
Where guilt and shame are not invited.
It is made to enjoy and relax.
Aidee has seen more than
a hundred love hotels
open in Mexico City
in the last ten years.
And they're all over the country.
"What's a love hotel?" I hear you ask.
Well, this ought to give you a clue.
Firstly, we know that there
is a market for adultery.
We have different attractions
in different rooms.
But there is a wonderful feature,
which is the sex menu.
And this means that you
can order to your room
anything from costumes,
lubricants, love toys.
We really insist you get out of bed
and do the same things
in brand new ways.
Can you bring me some drinks, please?
Yes. Thanks.
I think they've arrived.
Here it is. Drinks. Okay?
The waiter has brought them already.
Without me having to
interact with anyone.
Today visiting a hotel equals cheating.
But why are all these
love hotels appearing now?
Well, until recently, just
having an affair in Mexico
could land you in jail.
Then ten years ago, the law changed.
Suddenly, cheating was legal.
And love hotels went
from secret and seedy
to boutique and mainstream.
Five out of every ten women
and six out of every ten men
admit to having been unfaithful.
Whereas ten or 15 years ago,
it was basically 60%
of men and 30% of women.
That's a near doubling
of infidelity rates
amongst the ladies in a decade or so.
So, it's really interesting how women
maybe now they are
admitting to being unfaithful
more than they did before.
Or maybe they are more open
to having these affairs.
Changing the law lifted
the penalties for infidelity
for both men and women.
Yeah, go equality!
But is equal opportunities
adultery actually a win?
Let's just say yes.
Now the gap between men who
admit to being unfaithful
and women who admit to
having been unfaithful
at least once in their lives
has completely closed.
But is it really a surprise
that so many of us are
rubbish at monogamy?
After all, we're animals,
and zoo keeper Alexi Grousis
reckons we've got a lot to learn
from the birds and the bees.
And don't forget the horny beasts.
You want to check out these
animals? I'll lead the way.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
When we look at the animal kingdom,
especially the animals that
are most closely related to us,
we see that monogamy
is not as common as
we'd like to think it is.
Look at him. I make owl sounds.
Oh, my God, owls are so cool.
Monogamy is most commonly seen
in birds, less so in the primates.
When you look at the primates,
they get a little more promiscuous.
I'm more feather than fur,
I think, so far at least.
And as for the reptiles
Turn around. He's
definitely not faithful.
Look at that guy.
And, guys, no prizes for
guessing which bit of your anatomy
shows just where us humans
lie on the fidelity spectrum.
- What is this?
- Yeah.
I've put together a nice
little demonstration for you.
I've got the relative testes
size of different animals.
- So
- Can we call them ?
- I don't. I'm American.
- I'm English, though.
- All right. They're
- Or testes or whatever you
Wait, what? You can't say ?
- Is that a bad word?
- But you can say "testes"?
- It might be wise to say testicles?
- Testicles.
Testicles? That's Oops.
When we look at this one right here,
this is roughly the size of
an owl monkey's testicles,
which is a very monogamous animal.
The testicle size is
almost directly related
to the amount of sperm produced.
But is that meaning
the bigger you have,
the more likely you are
to be less monogamous?
Potentially. This one right here,
that would be the rough size
of a chimpanzee testicle.
- No!
- Yeah.
So big equals promiscuity.
They produce a lot of sperm
and a lot of males
compete with each other.
- I have a lot of questions now.
- Yeah.
Well, before you ask those,
let me show you this one.
And humans
are neither strictly monogamous
nor highly promiscuous.
- We sit kind of right in the middle.
- In the middle.
That's never something
I've heard with before.
Yeah, no kidding, right?
Right, let's get this straight.
Nature has given us, I
mean, males, medium sized
Sorry, testicles.
It sounds like we're designed
to be neither totally monogamous,
nor totally polygamous.
Let's say, flexible.
So, biology says flexible,
but society wants stable.
Can we square the circle and
have both variety and commitment?
Here's an idea. How
about throupling it up?
- My name is Johnisha.
- My name is Jeron.
And my name is Destiny.
She's my wife, and
then he's our boyfriend.
- Oh, you did the same thing.
- I did.
I personally like the uncomfort
of, like, when we walk into a room
and nobody knows what our dynamic is.
People fill in the
details how they will.
So, what brought this
tantalising trio together?
We got married last year.
We had actually started wanting
to have kids around that time.
We either wanted a donor,
or we wanted somebody
that was going to also be
like a father in the life.
So, me and Jeron actually
dated seven years ago,
and we stayed friends
and eventually, like,
being in a throuple
sort of kind of fell into our lap.
As far as it being all three
people on the same page,
- this is my first time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. For all three of us.
- Yeah, same. For all three.
We're always getting like,
"Don't you guys get jealous?
Oh, I could never share my man."
But he's like, "Oh,
you got two girlfriends?
High five dude!" Like
Usually it always goes to sex.
"How do you guys have sex?" Like,
I don't know. Google. Like
Especially in the beginning, we had
a lot of just honest conversations.
If you can't communicate
with just one partner,
two partners is going to be harder.
So communication is key.
Good thing this throuple
have communication sorted
because baby Isiah's arrival
means domestic arrangements
need a lot more thought
and organisation.
There was a lot of questions
about how logistically
everything would work.
With there being three
sets of grandparents
and three sets of aunts and uncles,
everybody wanted to make
sure they'd have their time.
Relationships come
in all different ways.
It's not something I'd do.
But, you know I figure, if
you don't like it, don't do it.
But it seems that
it's working with them.
I like the way they get along together
and, you know, co-parent.
I give them credit.
Society says you should
be with one person,
but, you know, we are human
and we have these emotions,
so I don't think it should just
be limited to just one person.
It doesn't have to be for everyone,
but, you know, it works for
us, and we're happy with it.
It's just more love.
It's just more parents.
It's more grandparents.
It's more aunts, more uncles.
Our village to raise our baby
is already a step ahead of most.
These suburban throuple trailblazers
show that relationship
dynamics are all different.
And they've created an
alternative type of family
that works for them.
Maybe now's the time for me
to seriously consider
my relationship future.
Monogamy has never worked out for me.
But are there any right answers?
Luckily, I know just the
evolutionary anthropologist
to help.
So yeah, I want to ask you what
is biologically, socially ?
Am I meant to be monogamous?
What can I do? Tell me, doctor.
So, the inputs into how we end up
in terms of our relationship
structures are two, okay?
You have the biological
input, your instincts.
But then we have the really
quite powerful cultural influence
on how you behave in relationships
and what structures you find.
And that's really influenced
by what society tells you is expected,
maybe the religion you follow,
your examples as you were brought up.
That can actually overpower
that biological instinct.
There's no right answer.
The organisation of
relationships is a spectrum.
We've got, like, monogamy here,
right up to more complex
things like polyamory.
Given absolute free rein as a
human, you should have the choice
to sit on that spectrum
where you feel comfortable.
Unfortunately, obviously,
in many societies
that freedom is not there.
What's your life experience,
your relationship history?
I mean, it's
I've usually tend to have been
in long-term relationships,
quite close-ish to each other,
and, you know, always been monogamous
until like there's been, like
maybe an arrangement made
at some point later in,
but that's always been
the end of it, anyway.
I don't know, I've been
single for two years.
Because I have been single
for the longest time I ever have been,
I would like someone to tell me,
"This is what you're meant to have."
If it is, "You should be married
with a girlfriend and a boyfriend,"
I'd be, like, "Dope, cool.
Now I know what I'm aiming for,
and let me fill those spots."
You meet one person,
get married, have kids.
Like, I like someone telling
me what I need to go for
instead of kind of this just endless
How many people, one
person or what gender, or
Ah, it's a lot! It's confusing.
It's way more complicated
because how do I know when that
How do I know when I've found my family?
So, forget right and wrong.
The relationships that
work for us as individuals
are a stew of biology, social
norms and good-old fashioned lust.
Society sold me the dream of monogamy.
But polygamy, multi-partner marriage,
dates way back to ancient times
and is legal or tolerated
in over 50 countries.
Problem is, in most cases,
it's one man, many wives,
and I've got to say,
it seems like it's not
a good deal for women.
But one woman is on a
mission to shake all that up.
I currently have three
intimate partners.
Nyamakela, he is a heterosexual man.
He is the father of my
children. He's my fiancé.
Also, my nesting partner,
which basically means we
do house things together,
we take care of the
children, we have bills,
we have that every day
kind of living relationship.
Yeah, I'm very, very blessed.
And my second partner is Kerline.
Kerline, come get.
Our dynamic is more of a BDSM dynamic.
We met through a mutual friend,
and I'm struggling to focus
because Muvumbi's doing this thing.
She has like this twinkle
thing that happens.
Why are you twinkling at me?
Because I love you.
My third partner is MJ.
MJ is my light love affair.
We love listening to music
together and holding hands.
Muvumbi's got a lot,
literally, all bases covered.
Domesticity, intimacy and BDSM.
So, what more does she want?
Well, she also wants to get married.
If I can marry a man and a woman,
that's always been my dream.
There's just one problem.
At the moment, that's
illegal in South Africa.
Men can marry multiple wives, polygyny.
At one time, former South African
president Jacob Zuma had four wives.
But women cannot marry
multiple husbands, polyandry,
let alone take a wife and a husband.
I'm an activist and I think that
I'm very vocal about polyamory
because it is so close to
my value, which is freedom.
I am a member of Poly ZA,
which is a polyamorous
group in South Africa.
Muvumbi is campaigning to get
the law changed, and guess what?
The government's now mulling over
a new bill that would
legalise polyandry.
The signing of the bill
to make it legal for women
to marry more than one lover
opens that up for me.
I think it's my right to
have access to all pleasure.
Men have been living that,
and we all want equal rights.
Even though a lot of
people feel like poly people
aren't about commitment
and marriage, I really am.
And I want to build a family.
I want to build a tribe.
- Hi.
- Hey, babe. Hey, boyfriend.
I think I'm the resident boyfriend.
That's the best title I
can think of, you know.
But the thing is, Nyamakela
is really not your average guy.
- Yeah.
- The fact that this is possible,
that I can make a
salad with my two lovers
makes me so happy.
So, Muvumbi wants to marry everyone?
I wouldn't say the more the better
because you can get saturated.
Everybody has their limits, yeah.
And I think right now mine is three.
My saturation limit? Not sure yet.
Can I really imagine myself
marrying multiple partners?
In my fantasy in now,
what am I thinking about?
Yeah, I would love to live on a
farm with my five wives and one man.
Can I say that?
I don't want five
wives. That's exhausting.
Okay, loads of husbands
and wives may not be for me.
So, how do I work out what is
my ideal kind of relationship?
Can science help me decide?
I don't think it's very
attractive that I'm spitting.
What are they going to test with this?
So, this is like a genotyping test.
Hold, please.
Different things to basically see
if like, to tell me more
about my biology of relationships.
If I'm genetically destined to
be in long-term relationships,
- or if I'm more likely to be single.
- Amazing. All from a bit of spit.
All from a bit of spit.
And for the results?
Well, it's back to my
brainy friend, Dr Anna.
We asked you for some of your spit
and we extracted the DNA from that.
And what we're looking at
is three particular genes
associated with how you
behave when you're in love.
So, no gene is deterministic,
but it's a good pointer.
How did you find this?
How do we correlate that
between the actual genes
and what it shows with
our relationship history?
Okay, so what we did
was we took a lot of spit
from about 4,000 people.
We took their relationship histories
and lots of psychological measures
about their attachment, their
socio-sexual orientation,
their empathy, all these
different sorts of things.
And we looked as whether
there was a relationship
between certain genes
and some of those traits.
There certainly is a genetic influence
on the way we love, on the way we feel,
and in terms of how we behave
when we're in a relationship.
You're so good at your
job, man. It's amazing.
I'm so I just want to know
I can't What else do I do?
So, Cara, your test results show
that you do not have the nesting gene.
So you are not overly motivated
to be in a long-term pair bond.
That you sit midway
on the empathy spectrum
and that you do not have the gene
that's going to increase the
likelihood that you are single.
Again, confusing, but I like it.
So, your propensity is more
towards having a relationship
than not having a relationship.
None of these things are making
me so sure about who I am.
This is because love is complicated.
Yeah, that's why I
long to not be single,
but I love being alone.
Nesting. Get it. Kind of.
My genes aren't my destiny.
That's a complex mix of environment,
biology and just plain chance.
In fact, the cutting-edge
research Anna talked about
shows 32% of people in relationships
carry the gene making them
more likely to be single.
But it looks like genetics are
a powerful influence on intimacy.
Yeah, so I learnt
that I am not a nester.
I'm medium empathy.
People feel double as
much as me to other people.
That's like a lot. Yeah,
I hate being medium.
I never want to be middle anything.
I'd rather have none or all.
That I get obsessive.
So I'm not likely to have
long-term relationships genetically,
but I don't wanna be single
either. That's cool, confusing.
Thanks, Mum and Dad. I
definitely do want to change.
I think I have a very
unhealthy relationship
with attachment, with love,
still with self-love and patterns.
And it's just the
longer I stay single,
I realise it takes a
long time to change.
So, is there a way to have it all?
The variety and thrills that
come with more than one partner
but instead of being deceptive
and secretive about it,
being open and honest instead.
Funny story, here I am
frantically searching
for a group of polyamourists.
No luck so far.
But I have found a
fabulous santarillion 1964.
Here we go. Hurrah!
So cool. Hi, guys.
- Hi!
- Hi!
Welcome to a polyamorous cocktail party,
run by the fabulously
named Sex Positive LA.
So, I'm really excited
to meet all of you guys.
I've always been curious
about different ways of relationships.
I think a lot of people aren't
even aware of the options.
This is an interesting time.
It's kind of, like, a
new sexual revolution
of people really figuring out
what's going to make them happy
and seeing that there's
different ways to do things.
And you don't have to sacrifice
your happiness for someone else.
Looks like I've found an explorer
who's been on this relationship journey
for longer than me.
This one is a polyamorous
group of people
hanging out together, casually,
and, like, nerd out about
what it means to be poly
I love that nerding out about
poly. That's interesting.
I don't now what the
rules are. Are there rules?
There's no one way to do any of this.
Just like there's not
one way to do monogamy.
So, there's different
types of polyamory.
For example, solo poly.
One person dating multiple people,
but kind of no ties to each person.
There's kitchen table polyamory,
where there's maybe multiple people
who are with all other partners
and get along harmoniously.
- Um
- Cool.
There's a V that's
literally the like letter V.
So, there's one person
dating two people.
There's endless
different configurations.
To be polyamorous, do you have
to relinquish jealousy completely?
Most polyamorous people would say
that jealousy comes up for them.
Communication is so important.
Like, what is the reason
why I feel jealous?
Like, something emotional happening,
I felt like you should have been
checking in with me as we all as
Sure, and that's the thing. In
a harmonious poly relationship,
you would be figuring
out how to thwart that
before it gets to that
point of anger or resentment.
I love the constant communication.
Because of the
relationships I've been in
I was very unable to express
when I was hurt, when
I wasn't treated well.
I'm now desperate to learn
about the highs and lows of polyamory
from people who live them.
What drew you to polyamory?
What does it mean to you?
- What has it brought to your life?
- It's just a way of being.
- It's my identity.
- Yeah.
So, it's not taking anything
away from any other person,
and it's just adding more.
Really gives you the
opportunity to figure out
what works for you and
your partner, or partners.
Just honesty.
Which might change and develop.
Doesn't need to be
the same for everyone.
Unfortunately, it ruins almost
every love story in most movies.
From our perspective,
when somebody is like,
"Oh, I love them and them."
We're always like, "Both!"
Love them all. Yes, be
transparent. We'll be over it.
So, I'm married, and my
discovery of polyamory
sort of coincided with meeting my wife.
I'd just gotten out of a relationship
where we tried to be just open.
I was in a relationship
when I was asked to open it,
which I basically knew was
the end of the relationship
because to me an open
relationship didn't make sense.
But polyamory makes more sense. Why?
I would say that polyamory
falls under the category
of a certain type of
open relationship maybe?
But most people when they're
asking for the open relationship,
they're asking to be open sexually
and then to not have any feelings.
- Which is yes.
- Which you can't really control.
In a lot of previous
monogamous relationships,
I've felt leashed,
I've felt collared,
and that makes me
want to break out more.
Yes, feel trapped, 2so you want to be,
"Okay, I'm not a caged animal."
In this short moment, I can
see how individual, how smart,
how emotionally developed
all these things
I can always, like,
refrain myself sexually,
but emotionally I have
connections with people.
And that was never okay.
Thank you. Each of
you dropped something.
I was like, "Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom, yay!"
I cannot even explain how much I learned
in such a short amount of time.
I was always intrigued
by polyamory, the idea.
I think it gets a bad rep.
People talk about it
who don't understand it
in so many different ways.
And I still don't know. I
can have solo polyamory
Whatever I'm experiencing right
now definitely leads more towards
something that isn't
conventional, for sure.
I still don't know what it is.
But I'm so much more
excited to continue exploring
without feeling the unsureness
or guilt or aloneness
that I guess I was before.
What I have learnt in
this whole experience
is the dynamics and the beauty of
so many different relationships.
No one can tell you how
to live your relationship
or what the rules are.
I think there are no rules.
The way that we're moving into
the future is so much more open
and able to let people be who they want
and love who they
want and how they want.
I don't know if I can be in
love with multiple people,
but I love multiple people.
And I feel very lucky to be able
to have that support and bond
with so many people.
But, in terms of love, the
most important relationship
and the most important love
you can have is for yourself.
There's no point being in a relationship
until you can fully love yourself
because you can't truly
love someone until you do.
So, while I spend my days
figuring all this shit out,
there's only one special someone for me.
He is yes, it is a he,
loyal, faithful, a perfect match.
And yes, just a little naughty.
This is perfect puppy love.