Play It Again, Dick (2014) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 [ .]
[INAUDIBLE.]
[GUNSHOT.]
NARRATOR: Previously on You know, Logan's back in Neptune, partnered up with Dick, solving crimes.
Yeah, totally.
Partners.
I'll tell you the basic ideas I have for the Private Dick show.
And you can plug that into your program and boom, set for hit show.
I'll do your show, Ryan.
But give me something I can sink my teeth into.
- And Thursday's my only day off.
- What? Yeah, while you're out here getting fat, we're in there doing our best to pull your ass out of the fire.
Hello, everyone.
Hey.
It is the first day of shooting.
Uh, just a little FYI about my directing style.
I like to keep my sets very loose.
Like your mom.
[LAUGHING.]
Love this thing.
Oh, hold on! There he is! Logan Echolls himself.
What a heartthrob.
Somebody please fetch me a new pair of panties.
Quickly.
Hey, buddy.
Uh, so, I just finished the script.
I have questions.
Fire away, hombre.
I'm all about talking craft.
You want to tell you how to deal with that creativity boner you got from reading something this good? Come on! Maybe we should talk in private.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Step into my office.
It's where I It's where I earn my producer fee.
What's up? [SIGHS.]
You told me the show was a two-hander, - but it's all Dick.
- What? No, no, no, no, no.
What do you mean? Well, first of all, it's called Private Dick.
All right, okay.
Uh-huh.
You've got all these one-liners and zingers, while my lines are more like exposition.
That doesn't sound right.
Come here.
Page 3, you roll up on a motorcycle, but you have my mom drop me off.
Logan's mom is dead, man.
Did you ever watch the show? Whoa.
Of course I watched the show.
Well, you know, all the scenes that I was in, of course.
Page 17, you slide over the hood of a car, but I run all the way around it.
Page 34, the beach volleyball scene.
I'm the only one wearing a shirt.
There's a big dance number today.
What's a big dance number doing in our detective show? Network asked for a dance number.
You're in there.
You're in it.
"Dick sticks landing of back flip.
Angle on Logan regarding Dick admiringly, clapping to the beat.
- Logan: 'Go, Dick, go!'" - Yeah.
No offense, dude, but when we were on Veronica Mars, I was the one with the fan club.
Jay, wow, listen to me.
Wow.
You are just focusing on the lines that you get to say.
Now, some people would say a true actor's best lines are the ones he doesn't say.
No one says that.
You just cost yourself a Logan.
Jay.
Jason! Logan! Come on! All right, so maybe I overreacted.
But I'm taking time away from my family for this, you know? I put a lot of work into my craft.
I take it seriously.
Damn it.
Ugh, I'm screwed.
[SIGHS.]
I mean, Logan's only in, like, the whole show.
MAN: What about recasting the role? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That would teach him.
No, I'd have to find someone who's tall and suave and ripped.
I can't play both roles, you know? [SOFTLY.]
I could.
You know this is dumb.
The guy is like a brother to me.
We've been through war together.
I mean, not like, war war, but like, acting war.
Like, tough days of acting.
I'm not gonna let him down just because of a few lines.
We're brothers.
I'll let Ryan cool off for a minute, then go back over, kiss and make up.
You know, plus, they'd have to be willing to work for nothing on short notice.
Someone who could fill out that Navy uniform.
GASTON: three, four.
[ .]
Ryan was like, "Wow, that was just That was so raw.
" Like, "It was so just real.
" You know? And he was like "Have you ever thought about acting?" And I was like, "Duh, of course I have.
" DICK: It was the best of times.
I was heading to a funeral for an old friend: Duncan Kane.
It's hard not to reflect on one's own mortality at times like these.
Plus, chicks always wear tight little black dresses to funerals, which means one of two things: thong or bareback.
Easy access.
[ .]
Logan Echolls.
How the hell are you, you old son-of-a-bitch? Glad you asked.
I'm on a six-month leave from the Navy.
Veronica and I broke up.
And can you believe Duncan got eaten by a great white shark and that all of our old Neptune High School classmates are here at this island B&B for his memorial service? Wait a minute.
You and Veronica broke up? - Watch out, ladies.
- Guess it's time to BOTH: Storm that bitch.
[GRUNTING.]
BOTH: Ow! Ha, ha! RYAN: Come on, bro.
You nailed it, man.
Yeah.
Ow.
MAN: Great.
Moving on.
Nailed it in one take, man.
The magic is happening.
[RYAN LAUGHING.]
Long story short, here I am.
Acting.
On a show.
[ .]
I r I remember the day that was taken.
So young.
What a tragedy.
DICK: Circle of life, man.
Sometimes the hottest flames burn the most stuff.
Everyone's out by the clothing-optional pool.
It's a homage to Duncan.
He did love nudity.
I'll find us seats.
Spondoolie.
Dick Casablancas.
Weevil Navarro.
"La muerte es una vida vivida.
La vida es una muerte que viene.
Death is a life lived.
And life is a death that comes.
" Jorge Luis Borges.
"Shake your ass, but watch yourself.
" Mystikal.
I like your sunglasses, Dick.
Steve McQueen wore 'em in Bullitt.
Got 'em on eBay.
True story.
Fuck This funeral is turning out to be a real sausage fest.
DICK: If I die, I want them to do a Weekend at Bernie's type thing with me, where we dance in a bunch of conga lines at a Club Med and whatnot.
[ORGAN PLAYING.]
Weevil's giving the eulogy.
He's become something of a community leader and a sought-after motivational speaker.
Did you know that everything in this room was made by Kane Industries 3D printers? 3D printers aren't really considered printers at all, but instead industrial robots.
Though not widely used in households, most experts think by 2020 they'll have a significant market share.
And we've only scratched the surface of what they can do.
Sweet.
- Good to know.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
"Why, what is pomp, rule and reign, but earth and dust? And, live we how we can, yet die we must.
" Shakespeare.
Shakespeare, dawg.
WEEVIL: One man's life is but a grain of sand when measured against human existence and the vastness of its reach.
But when we see the the many lives he has affected, why, that man's life becomes a beach.
[WOMAN SOBBING.]
And Duncan Kane was such a man! That shark took his life, but that white bastard could never take our memories of the man! L'chaim! L'chaim! [ .]
Where's the fire, Ryan? There's no fire yet.
But I'm about to light Weevil's ass up.
He's got my McQueen shades.
Be careful.
Casablancas' first law, Navarro: every action has an equal and opposite Dick action.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Hyah! [YELLS.]
Whoa.
Weevil's dead.
DICK: I was right.
He was dead.
And my sunglasses were nowhere to be found.
File this case under: hear no Weevil, see no Weevil.
Aw, yeah, son, it's on now.
Hey, did I miss anything? Oh.
Blow to the scene to come.
"Blow" is a screenwriting term for a joke at the end of a scene.
Sort of a button.
Um Sort of a placeholder for a joke that I haven't written yet.
But it seems like nobody noticed.
Jesus.
[ .]
[INAUDIBLE.]
[GUNSHOT.]
NARRATOR: Previously on You know, Logan's back in Neptune, partnered up with Dick, solving crimes.
Yeah, totally.
Partners.
I'll tell you the basic ideas I have for the Private Dick show.
And you can plug that into your program and boom, set for hit show.
I'll do your show, Ryan.
But give me something I can sink my teeth into.
- And Thursday's my only day off.
- What? Yeah, while you're out here getting fat, we're in there doing our best to pull your ass out of the fire.
Hello, everyone.
Hey.
It is the first day of shooting.
Uh, just a little FYI about my directing style.
I like to keep my sets very loose.
Like your mom.
[LAUGHING.]
Love this thing.
Oh, hold on! There he is! Logan Echolls himself.
What a heartthrob.
Somebody please fetch me a new pair of panties.
Quickly.
Hey, buddy.
Uh, so, I just finished the script.
I have questions.
Fire away, hombre.
I'm all about talking craft.
You want to tell you how to deal with that creativity boner you got from reading something this good? Come on! Maybe we should talk in private.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Step into my office.
It's where I It's where I earn my producer fee.
What's up? [SIGHS.]
You told me the show was a two-hander, - but it's all Dick.
- What? No, no, no, no, no.
What do you mean? Well, first of all, it's called Private Dick.
All right, okay.
Uh-huh.
You've got all these one-liners and zingers, while my lines are more like exposition.
That doesn't sound right.
Come here.
Page 3, you roll up on a motorcycle, but you have my mom drop me off.
Logan's mom is dead, man.
Did you ever watch the show? Whoa.
Of course I watched the show.
Well, you know, all the scenes that I was in, of course.
Page 17, you slide over the hood of a car, but I run all the way around it.
Page 34, the beach volleyball scene.
I'm the only one wearing a shirt.
There's a big dance number today.
What's a big dance number doing in our detective show? Network asked for a dance number.
You're in there.
You're in it.
"Dick sticks landing of back flip.
Angle on Logan regarding Dick admiringly, clapping to the beat.
- Logan: 'Go, Dick, go!'" - Yeah.
No offense, dude, but when we were on Veronica Mars, I was the one with the fan club.
Jay, wow, listen to me.
Wow.
You are just focusing on the lines that you get to say.
Now, some people would say a true actor's best lines are the ones he doesn't say.
No one says that.
You just cost yourself a Logan.
Jay.
Jason! Logan! Come on! All right, so maybe I overreacted.
But I'm taking time away from my family for this, you know? I put a lot of work into my craft.
I take it seriously.
Damn it.
Ugh, I'm screwed.
[SIGHS.]
I mean, Logan's only in, like, the whole show.
MAN: What about recasting the role? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That would teach him.
No, I'd have to find someone who's tall and suave and ripped.
I can't play both roles, you know? [SOFTLY.]
I could.
You know this is dumb.
The guy is like a brother to me.
We've been through war together.
I mean, not like, war war, but like, acting war.
Like, tough days of acting.
I'm not gonna let him down just because of a few lines.
We're brothers.
I'll let Ryan cool off for a minute, then go back over, kiss and make up.
You know, plus, they'd have to be willing to work for nothing on short notice.
Someone who could fill out that Navy uniform.
GASTON: three, four.
[ .]
Ryan was like, "Wow, that was just That was so raw.
" Like, "It was so just real.
" You know? And he was like "Have you ever thought about acting?" And I was like, "Duh, of course I have.
" DICK: It was the best of times.
I was heading to a funeral for an old friend: Duncan Kane.
It's hard not to reflect on one's own mortality at times like these.
Plus, chicks always wear tight little black dresses to funerals, which means one of two things: thong or bareback.
Easy access.
[ .]
Logan Echolls.
How the hell are you, you old son-of-a-bitch? Glad you asked.
I'm on a six-month leave from the Navy.
Veronica and I broke up.
And can you believe Duncan got eaten by a great white shark and that all of our old Neptune High School classmates are here at this island B&B for his memorial service? Wait a minute.
You and Veronica broke up? - Watch out, ladies.
- Guess it's time to BOTH: Storm that bitch.
[GRUNTING.]
BOTH: Ow! Ha, ha! RYAN: Come on, bro.
You nailed it, man.
Yeah.
Ow.
MAN: Great.
Moving on.
Nailed it in one take, man.
The magic is happening.
[RYAN LAUGHING.]
Long story short, here I am.
Acting.
On a show.
[ .]
I r I remember the day that was taken.
So young.
What a tragedy.
DICK: Circle of life, man.
Sometimes the hottest flames burn the most stuff.
Everyone's out by the clothing-optional pool.
It's a homage to Duncan.
He did love nudity.
I'll find us seats.
Spondoolie.
Dick Casablancas.
Weevil Navarro.
"La muerte es una vida vivida.
La vida es una muerte que viene.
Death is a life lived.
And life is a death that comes.
" Jorge Luis Borges.
"Shake your ass, but watch yourself.
" Mystikal.
I like your sunglasses, Dick.
Steve McQueen wore 'em in Bullitt.
Got 'em on eBay.
True story.
Fuck This funeral is turning out to be a real sausage fest.
DICK: If I die, I want them to do a Weekend at Bernie's type thing with me, where we dance in a bunch of conga lines at a Club Med and whatnot.
[ORGAN PLAYING.]
Weevil's giving the eulogy.
He's become something of a community leader and a sought-after motivational speaker.
Did you know that everything in this room was made by Kane Industries 3D printers? 3D printers aren't really considered printers at all, but instead industrial robots.
Though not widely used in households, most experts think by 2020 they'll have a significant market share.
And we've only scratched the surface of what they can do.
Sweet.
- Good to know.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
"Why, what is pomp, rule and reign, but earth and dust? And, live we how we can, yet die we must.
" Shakespeare.
Shakespeare, dawg.
WEEVIL: One man's life is but a grain of sand when measured against human existence and the vastness of its reach.
But when we see the the many lives he has affected, why, that man's life becomes a beach.
[WOMAN SOBBING.]
And Duncan Kane was such a man! That shark took his life, but that white bastard could never take our memories of the man! L'chaim! L'chaim! [ .]
Where's the fire, Ryan? There's no fire yet.
But I'm about to light Weevil's ass up.
He's got my McQueen shades.
Be careful.
Casablancas' first law, Navarro: every action has an equal and opposite Dick action.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Hyah! [YELLS.]
Whoa.
Weevil's dead.
DICK: I was right.
He was dead.
And my sunglasses were nowhere to be found.
File this case under: hear no Weevil, see no Weevil.
Aw, yeah, son, it's on now.
Hey, did I miss anything? Oh.
Blow to the scene to come.
"Blow" is a screenwriting term for a joke at the end of a scene.
Sort of a button.
Um Sort of a placeholder for a joke that I haven't written yet.
But it seems like nobody noticed.
Jesus.
[ .]