Porridge (1973) s01e05 Episode Script

'Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges.
'It is now my duty to pass sentence.
'You are an habitual criminal who accepts arrest and imprisonment as occupational hazards.
'We therefore commit you to the maximum term for these offences.
'You'll go to prison for five years.
' Oh, shshame on it! What's the matter? I dropped a stitch.
OhOW! Is something wrong? The whole flamin' job's wrong! Grown men, sewing fishing nets! Is there anything more demeaning? It's a step up from mail bags.
Oh, yeah? ^ It's ne'er a job.
It's punishment because we've been bad boys.
It's a shame you lost that farm job.
Free eggs every day! What d'ya mean, "free"? More like half-a-dozen! I KNEW you were pilfering eggs! As young McClaren says 'ere, we're all being punished for it.
What chance has a man got, eh? Fletcher, you've been inside long enough to know the score.
It's because you've upset Mr Mackay.
I thought you'd appeal on my behalf.
The Governor's got no time for you.
He's very disappointed.
All right, we know the public wants revenge on them that never had a chance.
You never had a chance, did ya? I'm used to it.
He's being punished, too.
Oh? I spoilt the stinkin' soup.
And for that, he's doing penance? What chance have any of us got? That is not the whole truth.
You spoilt the soup by holding a prison officer's head under it! You tried to drown a prison officer.
It was a vicious, unprovoked attack.
Drowning, eh? He asked for it.
You could have scalded him.
Not with the soup in this nick! It wouldn't burn a baby's bottom! It could poison him.
What sort of soup was it? Mixed vegetable.
Ooh, dear! I bet he was livid, with all them bits of carrot up his nose.
It's not funny, Fletcher! It was a vicious, unprovoked attack.
That is why McClaren is here.
It's equally plain why you are here.
Oh, well, yeah.
I was provoked.
Yes.
He called me a black bastard.
If that were true, you could have gone to the Governor.
He wouldn't have a leg to stand on.
Technically, the facts as stated were not wholly inaccurate.
He is both negroid and illegitimate.
It was the way he said it.
That's enough! Get on with your work.
Work, huh? Knitting string vests for hippos! I bet it don't fit me, when I've finished it.
I wanted it in cerise, really! They know we're not gonna screw up the brave fishermen of England, eh? Too many holes, and they come back a tonne of cod short, don't they? The cost of fish fingers would soar.
Not to mention cod pieces.
Of course, shoddy mail bags just help your mates rob mail trains.
One only has to listen to you, to know your type, Fletcher.
You know, when you first arrived, I had high hopes for you.
But it has to be said, you are surly and hostile.
Years of prison hardens a man.
You've only been here six weeks! I'm not surly and hostile.
I'm resentful, Mr Barrowclough.
I thought we had a rapport going.
Yes! You thought I was going to be in your pocket.
What a terrible thing to say! SHH! Just because I asked for a few favours to make life a bit more tolerable.
Those favours were to include getting you a south-facing cell, not to mention getting you extra blankets and a bit of carpet.
What else was there? Carpet slippers, a set of darts, soft toilet paper and Kendal mint cake! I told you not to worry about the darts, if you was pushed, didn't I? Now look, Fletcher I haven't forgotten that you gave me someervaluable advice.
Don't think Mrs Barrowclough and I don't appreciate it.
But you're not going to treat me like a batman! I'm not talking about marital problems, even though your wife has changed her attitude.
How do you know that? By your demeanour in the mornings, that certain smile you have, when telling us to slop out.
What smile? The smile of a man who's getting his oats.
That's a nasty thing to say! Can you deny it? I am grateful I don't want gratitude.
I've learned my lesson.
Now, look I must get on with my knitting.
If I'm not very careful, I shan't get my full 60p this week! 60p a week, eh? Net profit.
Still, I suppose it's just about enough to cover the cost of a jar of wintergreen ointment.
All my money goes on medicaments.
I've always been prey to lumbago and rheumatics, which are aggravated by having a draughty cell that faces north, with a cold floor and no slippers.
I'll see what I can do.
No, I don't want nothing from you! Well, there is one thing, if you insist.
What? I want a job in the library.
Ooh, dear.
I hope the flamin' fishermen of England appreciate me.
I shall never play the harpsichord again I doubt I'll be able to wipe me nose! Bleedin' hell! Sorry, son.
Watch where you're going.
It won't happen again.
Watch it! I don't want no bother, I'm not well.
I don't want trouble, McClaren.
Listen to me, you We all know you're a hard case, full of nasty, militant feelings, but talk to me like that again, and I'll twist your head round and give it to that poof in B Wing to keep his wigs on, yes? Now, are we sorry? Yes, we are, Fletch.
All right.
Don't lie about there.
Get up.
You got any snout? No.
There's some under that pillow.
Here's your things.
Thanks, Fletch.
You're your own worst enemy, you know that? Yeah.
Sit down.
We all know it's not been easy.
Being black, with a Scottish father, is a bit of an unfortunate mix.
It's the Scottish side that brings out the aggression.
Is it? Yeah, it's well known.
It subdues your exuberent West Indian personality, don't it? They only need a boundary in a test match to start a firework display.
I've never been to the West Indies.
I was born in Greenock.
A copper found me in an alley, wrapped in the Glasgow Herald.
I did say you didn't have it easy.
I never knew my father, and I'm black with a Scottish accent.
D'ya expect me to be laughing? It could be worse, son.
Could it? No, I don't suppose it could.
You don't want to let that illegitimate bit worry you.
Lots of famous people were illegitimate.
William the Conqueror, Leonardo da Vinci, Lawrence of Arabia, Napper Wainwright Who's he? He was a screw at Brixton.
Mind you, he WAS a bastard! It's not a stigma any more.
Marriage is out of fashion.
All these glamorous people, pop stars, TV personalities, all their kids is born out of wedlock, you know.
Soon, it will be as fashionable as being homosexual.
Being an illegitimate, black poof is about as chic as you can get! If anybody says Nobody is saying anything.
You are your own worst enemy.
Where does it get you? I've got my pride.
Pride? We ain't got no privacy in here.
Where's your pride, without privacy? You've got to learn to turn the other cheek, that's all.
It makes me sick! Listen, Sonny Jim Sonny Jock Look, I'll give you an example: you're belting along in your car, and the police stop you, right? What do you do? You sit there, asking yourself, "What's his game?" You get out and you really have a go at him, eh? You're not going to take no stick from a jumped-up copper, right? But where does it get you? A night in the cells, a fine and your licence endorsed.
They only stopped you for a faulty light.
I don't see the point.
If you were smarmy and subservient: "What, Constable? My offside rear? What a blessing you boys in blue are so diligent.
" What's it cost? Nothing, except for a bit of pride, and tickets for the Police Ball, which, with any luck, won't be a dance but a raffle! You have no reason to hate the law.
They even read letters from my girlfriend.
Oh, yeah? Passionate, are they? It's not the same, knowing they've been read.
Of course, it ain't right, but they still do it, son.
I was in Brixton, once.
I'd done this jeweller's.
They'd caught me, but I'd hidden the stuff.
So, while I'm on remand at Brixton, I write to my old lady.
"As I'm not going to be around to provide for you this winter, you're going to be a bit short.
"Why don't you plant vegetables? "I suggest you dig the back garden.
" Next morning, there were 12 coppers round, with shovels! Did they find the stuff? No, it was just my way of getting the garden dug over.
Why should the wife do it, when there are 12 coppers with spades? Oh, if you'll pardon the expression! Crafty nerk, eh? We got some lovely broccoli! I wrote and suggested sweeping the chimneys, but they didn't buy that! I see.
You beat them at their own game.
Yeah, it's certainly more subtle than sticking a screw's head in the soup of the day, eh? Next time, I'll use pea soup.
You drown quicker.
Maybe I'll use semolina pudding.
Semolina pudding! How long are you in for, son? Three years.
It'll be more like 10, if you carry on.
Remission is all that counts.
I used to be like you, once.
Not hard, but I knew it all.
I want out now.
Your time would come a damn sight quicker, if you were to learn to turn the other cheek.
I'm not that bad.
I haven't hit a screw forthree months.
That's true.
But apart from the soup incident, you've tripped one down the stairs, locked another in the freezer, hit one in the goolies with a football, and put cascara in the Padre's cocoa! I got a lot of pleasure out of that.
And a lot of solitary confinement! Not as much as the Padre, though! He was shut in the bog all week! It come out all WEAK, an' all! The Welfare Officer thinks I need psychiatric help.
Do you mind that? I'd be crazy to turn it down! Cushy hospital, good grub, soft bed When are you going? I'm not.
The Governor said I was trying it on.
Mr Venables is a lot shrewder than we give him credit for.
That's my problem.
I've got to get myself into his good books.
I've lost a lot of credibility there, you know.
Well, thanks, Fletch.
You've been more use than the Welfare Officer.
Turn the other cheek.
I'll try, I know you're right.
It's for your own good.
You're OK, Fletch.
Don't forget your things.
Thanks, Fletch.
Hey, where's my orange? Did it roll outside? It's not there.
They're such criminals in here! Bloomin' heck, yeah.
Ta-ra, Fletch.
Yeah, mind how you go.
# See the pyramids across the Nile # PLAYERS ARGUE HUBBUB OF THREATS McClaren, get off! Come on! McClaren, off! Ref, it wasn't my fault.
Get off the park, McClaren.
I'll see you! Sling your hook! That lad's got a lot of talent, but that's his third sending-off.
It'll mean suspension.
Yeah.
He's his own worst enemy, you know.
That lad needs help.
Maybe I'm the one to help him.
BELL RINGS If that's for me, tell 'em I'll ring back.
No, it's McClaren! Oh, yeah? He's on the roof! He says he'll jump, unless we meet his demands.
If we don't get him down soon, we'll be on News at Ten.
Then Panorama and World in Action.
It'll probably end up as a six-part It unsettles the men.
Oh, yeah.
They'll all be banging soon.
I should think you'll have a riot on your hands by teatime.
Hang about, what's today? Thursday.
No, they won't riot on a Thursday.
It's a good tea.
There's a man's life at risk, to say nothing of the reputation of Slade Prison.
Yeah, we don't want to lose next year's bookings.
Your flippancy is in bad taste at a time like this.
How are they gonna get him down? The Padre's trying to talk him down.
The Padre? Is he sober? The pubs have just closed.
He's with the Welfare Officer.
What does he know? He's just come out of university.
He's probably thumbing through his textbooks, looking for a chapter on nutters.
I think you're being a bit unfair.
Can I see the Governor? Not now! But I want to see him about this.
I might be able to help the lad.
McClaren? Are you gonna take me? I would, if I could, but Mr Mackay's in charge.
Oh, that's all right(!) He'll probably let the lad jump.
And then jump ON him! I'm prepared to listen to anybody, but what makes you think you can achieve something we can't? Do you know something? I know what makes the lad tick.
I'm sure you're very experienced, as is Mr Mackay and the Padre, but to him, you all represent the establishment, which inflames his feelings of hostility.
The Padre's been out there for hours, but all he's achieved is a brick up his megaphone! How is the Padre? Very upset at not Very upset at the loss of two front teeth.
There'll be no sermon on Sunday.
Thank heaven for small mercies.
The last thing that boy wants is preaching and sermonising.
Mr Gillespie was asking for trouble, climbing up that ladder.
How is he? As comfortable as can be expected.
We can't leave McClaren where he is.
Why not? When that cold wind comes whistling over the Pennines, If we give way, we'll establish a regrettable precedent.
We'll have prisoners begging for extra blankets, helpings Sir? On the other hand, I could go up and talk to him.
He might respond to the overtures of a fellow prisoner.
Poppycock! Just a moment, Mr Mackay.
There is a good point, here.
It could be very dangerous, Fletcher.
I realise I might be putting life and limb in jeopardy, sir.
I haven't personally experienced that kind of risk since I was in Kuala Lumpur, sir.
Kuala Lumpur? Yes, I was out there doing me national service.
Jungle warfare, having to keep your rifle dry in the swamps.
You know how it was, Mr Mackay.
You can't hear anything but the creatures in the undergrowth and Taffy Williams' stomach.
Is this relevant? Only to prove that I'm no stranger to danger.
I was in Singapore for my national service - RAF Equipment.
Oh, yes? Very nice.
We'd have given our eyeteeth for that, wouldn't we, Mr Mackay? All them temples and brothels, eh? Gentlemen, there's a man on the roof! We have to deal with our own problems.
We cannot leave it to a prisoner.
There's only one alternative.
What? You'll have to go up, sir.
Cold feet, eh? Who, me? No, never! Come on, let's get on with it.
Kuala Lumpur! Lovely view up here! Look out for those slates! It's high, isn't it? You said to climb a roof.
Did you have to pick such a high one? It has more dramatic impact.
Don't use words like impact up here! Do you want some chewing gum? No! Let's get off here.
You've got to convince me, yet.
It should take an hour for me to succumb to your persuasion.
But I've got vertigo! We'll be down in time for tea.
It's cauliflower cheese tonight.
Hey, Fletch, where are you going? Ding-dong! Fletcher calling, your friendly mobile library.
Fletcher How did you work this number? I've got gastroenteritis.
The symptoms are not very difficult to fake, are they? I didn't fake anything.
I've really got it! A genuine illness in this hospital You were in here last week.
Yeah, they say I can still have children, though! I heard you didn't stop shaking for three days! You'd shake, if you'd made an heroic ascent.
Your DESCENT wasn't so heroic.
McClaren carried you down! Don't needle me, otherwise I'll palm you off with Lamb's 'Tales from Shakespeare'.
And no mint sauce! Listen No, you listen to me, Ives.
That rescue was all set up between young McClaren and me.
He was on the roof, so I could save him.
I went up onto a roof a hero, and he came down a hero.
As a result of which, I am now back in the Governor's good books.
I get to be librarian, and McClaren gets treated with sympathy, too.
Yeah, I've seen him as an orderly.
Here, Fletcher, what about a decent book, if you know what I mean? What? Risque? No, it won't be risky, I won't tell.
Risque means "dirty", you nerk! That's what I meant.
Yeah(!) I could let you have this one.
It's about sex-starved lady pygmies What is it? 'Little Women'! 'Little Women'? Yeah, it's an erotic classic.
Don't you remember the trial? So, what's it doing in the library? It wasn't in the library.
I pinched this off the Governor's private bookshelf.
Oh, yeah? Listen to this - "Her flimsy shift was soaked by the sudden monsoon.
"Through it, Gilbert could discern the firm contours of her proud, young, Malaysian body.
"She stood there, unashamed, staring him in the kneecap.
"She was everything he had imagined on the long ride from Kuala Lumpur.
"She stood closer.
He gazed in awe at her half-naked, uptilted, perfectly formed" Perfectly formed WHAT? I'll give you a clue.
There was two of them and I don't mean her kneecaps, either! Now, this beautiful love saga, of Malaysian fertility rites, can be yours, for two snout.
All right.
In advance.
Done.
You certainly have been! You clumsy nerk! Haven't we decided that isn't going to get us anywhere? Sorry, Mr Fletcher.
That's all right, Mr McClaren.
How's things in the medical world? Cushy.
And the library? A doddle.
Did you get me The Godfather? Did you get me the wintergreen?