Portlandia (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

Ah, damn it! Ah, damn it! Hey, are you Jennifer? Do you need a ride? Let's go.
Welcome to the Deuce hotel! Please enjoy your stay.
Oh, are here for the festival? Well, uh, enjoy your room.
Uh, the sink is really weird.
It's gonna look like there's no faucet.
But whenever you feel the need to brush your teeth or whatever, don't worry about it it will happen.
Free continental breakfast.
And each room comes with a turntable.
It's complimentary.
Wanna listen to some records.
Here's a Kenny Loggins record.
There's only one song that's cool on it.
Our gym is on the second floor.
Anything you need.
We've got books.
They're not just for show.
Like, we chose them.
They're all like pretty real.
Your room is, uh Just feel it out.
You know what I mean? Next.
"Echo echo," right? Yeah.
I think you know a friend of mine.
I guess, like, he might have taken a picture with you at some point? We're actually really tired.
Me, too.
Oh, I'm so tired.
Hey, you know, we give out free typewriters.
Yeah.
Do you want one? Um, we got.
Yeah, no, you're right.
You have laptops, right? Who even uses a typewriter anymore, right? It's so dumb.
Yeah.
If we could just get the room keys.
Could you please not stare at me like that? Um, your room is not ready yet.
But you can wait over there.
Do you know when it will be ready? Uh, really soon.
Rely soon we promise.
What are they doing? This is ridiculous.
"The deuce.
" The douche.
We have to sound check.
What are we supposed to do? I don't know.
They're talking about us.
We've been here for hours.
S-s-s-sucks.
Right? Waiting around for what? Yeah, we don't have drinks.
No one's offered us food.
The costumer service in this place is awful.
Really bad.
Don't you want to run a business? I guess, apparently not.
The man is running this place.
It's just like a big, giant man putting his big hand around my neck, and he's just saying, "don't do what you want.
" That is it I am done! Take that! Come on.
Take that! That's illegal.
That's illegal.
I'm taking it back! I hate this place! This place sucks! So what? So what, right? Yes yes! Hey? Did you guys do this? Maybe.
You're fired.
What from this? You're fired.
Get out! Wait, Bart.
Do you wanna hang out? No.
All right come on in.
Let's see your badge.
Have a good time.
All right.
All right.
That's great.
Great.
Excuse me.
Where's your badge? Um, I'm, uh, playing tonight.
What band are you in? Um, sparkle pony.
Sparkle Tony.
Um, sparkle pony.
Carfalhonies.
Sparkle pony.
What's a skarkle coney? We don't have that.
Are you part of the drag city thing that's going on tonight? You're not part of it? Then why are you here? Also, the show started already.
What are you gonna do, sound check after the show? You just can't walk in here with your guitar case.
You know how many people with guitar cases we have? Everyone has a guitar.
I have one.
It's just you and me in our wonderful place.
No, they're sound checking.
You're not opening for them.
They have an opener.
Hey, is salmon there? Wait, you're, like, in a band? What? You're not gonna be able to get in there.
Like, if they're gonna let someone in it's gonna be me and Nikki.
We're with the band.
You know Sam's not really into girls like you.
I mean, no offense, but, like, are you on the pill? Because, like, no guy would wanna get you pregnant.
I bet your song sounds like a frog, like, croaking, and then, like, choking on, like do you love me? It doesn't matter.
I know you love me.
I love you.
Like named her band after a horse.
All right, Jenna.
Well, we are set.
Would you care for some musical accompaniment while you want? Sure.
Okay.
Thank you.
Hey.
Check one two.
Check.
Check one.
Uh, we're "the roving singles.
" Our roadie is, uh, not here today.
This is called, uh, "tunnel vision.
" Jenna get your acupuncture I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
We're so sorry.
It-it's just not working for me.
I-I'm sorry.
Oh oh, I got you.
I need to be able to relax and breathe.
You paid for it, so we just it's part of the ambiance.
So this is called, uh, "border patrol.
" We had a show in winnipeg.
That's when we were still together.
We were seriously dating.
First long term relationship for me.
But then there's that thing where it just switches over, and, all of a sudden She goes, "um, is there a reason "you're telling me about what "socks you're gonna wear? "Like where-where did we get "how did we get here?" Are you guys gonna play? Yes.
We are this is the intro to the it's the story of how the song got written.
One, two, three, four.
I can't stand it anymore! That-that's enough.
Stop! I'm sorry? A little quieter.
Absolutely.
It's like every time you hit a-a high note, it-it just it feels like it drives the needle right into my back.
It hurts.
This is called, uh, "puddle falls.
" Okay? Fall asleep.
Fall asleep.
Fall asleep.
She's sleeping.
Hey, Jenna.
Jenna.
We want you to hear something.
Jenna sorry, sorry.
Jenna.
There's one more part to the song.
Okay okay.
Stop! Oh, she left.
Just, there's a cds out there, and they're not labeled, but that has our music on it.
They look like blank cds.
Just make sure get a magic marker at home and, uh, write "the roving singles" on it.
Jenna? Hey, not without a pass.
You can't go in without a pass.
I'm, uh, playing tonight.
We'll, I don't know that you're playing.
So you can't go inside.
You gotta call on Wednesday Monday through Wednesday, you gotta call Roger.
He's the manager.
Roger? Call the ticket line and-and they'll connect you from there.
But I can't let you in here.
It's a private event, okay? I'm part of the festival.
Hey, what's going on, man? I don't know anything about the festival.
You can't go in.
He didn't have a badge.
It's none of your business, and it's not my business.
That guy have a private event.
I really wanted to sound check and get a good sound on my guitar For the show.
Oh, yeah, you play guitar? Yeah.
I like guitar.
I have a white guitar.
I don't know anything about that, so you have to when do other bands come in? Why ask me so many questions? I can't let you in.
You know, someone tell me that when I was a little kid, I say, "yes, sir.
" Walking around and acting like a little kid, and-and, you know, that's unacceptable, you know.
You have to be organized.
Sparkle.
My pony.
This is like heavy rock venue, all right? All the kid shows and puppet shows, and all that is over there.
That's on the other side on burnside.
You gotta go do that.
Uh, thanks.
Personal ad.
Hmm, age? Thirty-three.
No, thirty-two.
They don't check, right? Early 30s with an adolescent spirit.
Who ever thought that I, Rebecca malloy, would be looking for love online.
Isn't computer dating a realm usually reserved for girls who have to shave their inner thighs and wear pants all year long? Why me? Why haven't I found the one? I'm attractive.
I mean, I don't stop traffic with my looks, but who would want to? That's distracting, dangerous even.
I'm gonna check on the kids.
My mom always said, "if you want something, "you have to send that energy "out to the universe.
" So here it goes, universe.
I'm Rebecca malloy and I am taking applications for Mr.
right.
The kids are sleeping like angels.
I found your ring in the bathroom.
Wayne, went to penn state, where he studied geology.
But I don't want someone who studied rocks.
I want a guy who is a rock.
Oh, monty.
I wonder if he knows he has food on his face.
I wonder if I have food on my face.
Ugh, I bet monty doesn't even floss.
Sorry.
Movies! My favorite.
Is this a sign? My love life was going from a flop to a blockbuster.
And just like that there he was.
I wanted him with my entire being.
It was fate destiny.
But in the back of my head there was a voice telling me not to go.
Don't go.
A voice trying to hold us back from being together.
What the hell? What an annoying voice.
Hey! Listen, I'm married.
But you're just so real.
Let's get outta here.
When I close my eyes I see her standing there with her blood red lips and her long black hair I can't look away 'cause she's everywhere and I want her but does she care? Hi, I'm Gus van sant with the blunderbuss film festival.
Keep your seats 'cause, uh, we're gonna have a "q" and "a" with the film makers.
Are you guys here? Gus, right here.
Hey.
Anthony and Paul warnicker.
Hey.
Good to see ya.
Thanks.
So what - what was the inspiration behind your film, "looking for Mr.
write"? What's a date? What the hell's a date anymore? What is the role of Americans? Like, what-what are we? You know what I mean, as-as a count it's like who what are Americans now? Is it the Norman-norm-normal, uh, rockwind painting? Uh, and-and-and you guys liked it, right? A lot? Uh, what did you shoot it on? Uh, we did a multi-hybrid of, uh, hd, 16 mill, and 8 mill.
Uh, we tried to do some of it on black and white, and that got, uh, thrown out in the dumpster, but that's our secret.
Excellent.
And, um, you wanted to bring a friend up? Our principle on the film is, uh, franny Walker.
And I just wanna say we-we is she-she here? Franny.
Hi! Huge round of I mean, she killed it.
What a genius.
She was just unreal.
My voice sounds so microphony when I'm on these.
It's totally different for me.
But, anyhow, it was.
All right.
Why don't you go sit down.
Okay, got it.
All right.
Whoo.
Any questions from the audience? Yeah, one more thing.
Sorry.
I just wanna say, too, our-our other whole thing about this movie is first dates suck! Ha, ha! Gus, to go back to your question, "what did we shoot "this movie on?" I don't like that question.
We shot it on our hands and knees.
We shot it with sores, with calluses.
We shot it on faith.
And, uh, and-and a lot of, uh, donuts and twinkies.
I must have put on, uh, eight pounds on this, uh, this production.
We ate lot.
Uh, Gus? Where did Gus go? Gus? Bro? Hi.
Um, I'm playing here tonight.
What is your name? Sparkle pony.
I am sorry, you are not on the list.
Thanks.
Oh, wait.
Hey, you are on the list.
You're not playing this venue, but you're playing the festival.
Really? Yeah.
Okay okay.
And, uh What's the venue called? It's called "Alaska," and it is on 21st and Reed.
Okay.
I haven't heard of it, but, uh, I'll go head over there.
Sparkle pony, good luck to you.
Thanks for all your help today.
I love your barrettes.
Thanks.
Enjoy the day.
It's beautiful out there.
See you later.
All right, bye.
Bye.
Here's your keys.
You guys wanted three of them? We're having problems with the keys 100% of the time.
So just, if you do, come back and we'll get you try to make you a new one.
Also, I don't know if this is for you, but we have, um, a pacifier.
You-you're not You're too old for that? It's complimentary.
We have, um, a free phone.
This connects you'll see a little phone box under the bed, and, just, you can connect it according to the wires.
Sir, our manager told us to hand this out.
There's one of America's most wanted criminals in the area.
She has pierced ears.
So if you see her walking up and down the halls, just kind of go back in your room and lock the door.
Yeah, and call the front desk with that phone.
Dial 9-9-9-9 to get us.
And then here's a map.
This can show you where you can get good food and stuff.
But there's nothing close.
Get out.
Leave leave.
Hi.
I need, uh, one room, please.
Cool.
Cool.
Very good.
Yeah, cool.
Cool, cool.
That's awesome.
You're staying here for a couple nights? Uh, just for one night.
One night okay, great.
Great.
So, I see you play guitar.
Yeah.
We like music a lot.
Yeah, like big music fans.
We know a lot of photographers.
We know a lot of film makers.
Uh-hmm yeah.
So, can we get your name please? Um, sparkle pony.
Sparkle pony.
Wait a second.
I feel like I've totally read about you before.
Really? Yeah.
Welcome.
We're actually from Portland.
We don't usually we're not usually up here.
We've been hired to do this.
Yeah, this-this is, like, a temporary gig for us, too.
Uh, we should put her in the executive suite.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
It's about a foot bigger.
Wow.
We got an ice bucket.
Thank you.
And, um, like, a tape recorder, and then some cassettes.
Right.
All right, you're set on that.
And, uh the bathroom has carpet in it.
Thank-thank you.
The carpet and the bath mat.
We don't really give this to all the guests, but this is gonna add a little bit of mood lighting to your room.
Thanks.
Did you play at the fest? I didn't actually get to play, but who knows what happened? It's a cool festival.
Um, I guess I wasn't on the list.
You're gonna go home without even playing a show? Wow.
Anyway.
What screw that! Play here.
Really? Yeah.
Here? We don't even need the manager to do this.
Pay attention.
Uh, we're gonna have an impromptu show playing live music.
Come on down.
Okay.
Hurry, you guys.
You guys, come on.
This is it.
All right, play.
No, it's okay.
Go ahead play your song.
Sounds great.
Sounds great.
Cool perfect.
Sorry I gotta tune that up a little bit.
Okay.
Hold on wait.
Jenna you're so cruel Jenna you're so sweet Jenna get your acupuncture go get off your feet.