Q-Force (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Even out in the open, I ♪
Even out in the open
I'll wanna sail, sail, sail away ♪
Walking through foreign life ♪
Walking out looking all right ♪
Pulling my strings, shoveling my way ♪
Uh, can we do another round?
Wow. That's your fifth Bloody Mary.
Hey, my team just got back from
our first international design mission
and I've earned some fun.
How are you not drunk?
It takes a lot. I was born
with a crazy amount of red blood cells.
The doctor said my blood's so thick
my type is Jell-O positive.
Benji, your friends rule.
Why don't we do this more often?
We do, but your schedules are crazy.
Yeah, Steve's a bit of an early riser.
Uh, yeah, you insisted
we do this brunch at 9:00.
We have two hours to kill
before our next brunch.
You know, we should re-commit
to more post-noon socializing.
Strangely enough, an old friend
invited me to a party today. Should we go?
Do you know Chasten Barkley?
Uh, yeah, his parties are infamous.
You're friends with a billionaire?
Well, when I first moved to WeHo,
we were inseparable,
but I haven't talked to him in
Wow, a decade. Are the parties fun?
Eh. Not really our vibe. Ours is more,
"Let's get high and watch Chicago."
Theirs is more like,
"Let's bleach our teeth and our assholes."
Um, Steve, are you sure about this party?
You don't have to impress me.
I'm not sure it's your scene.
But it used to be. I've been unplugged
from my amazing community for too long.
It's time to plug back in
and show up for old friends, you know?
Oh, there's one now. Hey, Twink!
Oh, hey, girl! That's my job daddy.
Right? Anyway, don't let me
keep you from your hollandaise.
- Just having a union meeting over here.
- Drag queens have a union?
You've lived in WeHo so long
and yet you know so little.
IDP Local 69 reps drag queens,
singing telegrams,
and weirdly, the guy in the firehouse
who makes the chili.
The secret ingredient is dignity.
Wow, this is not what I expected.
When I knew him, he was a pale temp
with a carpeted sublet.
Remind me, what's the name of his company?
- Honestly?
- Yeah.
No, his company is called "Honestly?"
With a question mark.
They make sustainable beauty products
that are unsustainable on my salary.
Oh, my God. Steve!
Wow! Chasten, I barely recognized you.
You look great.
Oh, this is my boyfriend, Benji.
Fun. So rude, but can I borrow you
for a second? We have to catch up.
Bevin, why don't you
hit the carving station?
The beef is naturally lean,
just like Steve.
Chasten, this is the nicest house
I've ever seen,
but can I ask,
why do you have two telescopes?
Ask Chris Pine
why he has two outdoor showers.
Call me Aerosmith
'cause I don't wanna miss a thing.
Tequila soda?
Sorry, I cannot get over your glow up.
Your skin is shimmering.
Oh, stop it. It's boring.
Exercise, diet, plasma from an orphan.
Who cares? You haven't changed a bit.
I'm so glad you came because I need
a favor. Patrick, headphones up.
I need your help.
My assistant, Patrick, has gone missing.
No, that's Patrick #6.
Patrick #5 has disappeared and I'm scared.
But Chasten, I'm an interior designer.
Unless Patrick is lost
in a poorly laid-out great room,
I don't think I can help. I mean, why me?
Oh, simple, because you're a spy.
What? How do you
Honey, back in 2011,
all we did was go out,
bitch about work
and slurp pitchers of Skinnygirl margs.
Once in a while, you blacked out.
I was supposed to be
saving the world. Pew pew!
But then I told my James Bond school
that I'm gay and now I'm James Nobody!
I love you!
- Yeah, I was skipping dinner a lot.
- But you and I looked out for each other.
It's lonely for young gays
like Patrick now,
especially if what
they really wanna do is act.
- Thank God we never wanted that.
- Thank God.
I went to the WeHo sheriff,
but they're dragging their feet
and I don't know where else to turn.
Can you get them to take this seriously?
We're only as strong as our community.
If we don't have
each other's backs, who will?
Chasten, you're right.
We were all Patricks once.
What's the point of saving the world
if I can't help out in my own backyard?
This Patrick
will give you all our files.
Steve, if anyone can save
the better Patrick, it's you.
I know Gyenorvya was
an eye-opening experience for all of us.
It's always a lot for couples
when one gets kidnapped
and the other reveals they're a spy.
It's one of the most common reasons
for divorce. How are you two holding up?
When Pam was taken,
I felt just like when our dog, Blanche,
threw up on my road atlas. Totally lost.
Learning about Deb's real job
has been scary,
but I believe together,
two people can get through anything.
You got a partner, V?
Why the fuck would you ask me
about my partner? What do you know?
I I just meant, are you single?
Uh, sorry, V. Pam's a child psychologist
and she just can't help but ask questions.
Well, today isn't about me.
You two are here because a civilian knows
about one of my agent's secret identity.
Deb, unless Pam can prove
the Agency can trust her, you're out.
Look, I'm not trying
to be overly hard on anyone.
I, too, know what it's like to get
a bombshell about your partner.
One that turns your life upside down.
Are you talking about us, or the person
in that photo you're holding?
You want to talk about it?
I'm no therapist,
but I feel like when people say stuff
while they're holding a photo,
it's usually about the photo.
Let's begin the testing!
- Another gin and diet tonic, no ice.
- Anthony?
Benji? Wow. Also, it's Antoni now.
Like the smart one on Queer Eye.
Where have you been?
I haven't seen you forever.
- We're all worried about you.
- Don't be, I'm killing it.
Last night at 3:00 a.m., a stranger
gave me an audition for Skinny Justice,
so that job's basically mine.
Do you know Chasten Barkley?
Nah, I sneak in to stuff like this
for the drugs and silverware.
There you are. So sorry.
Chasten wanted some one-on-one time.
Oh, it's fine.
Steve, this is Antoni. He's an old friend.
Oh, my God! So great to meet
another one of Benji's friends.
Hey! Where'd all the silverware go?
Steve, nice to meet you.
Gotta run. I'm gonna mingle.
Well, don't go
in the pool, you'll rust!
I hope he's gonna be okay.
So how was the fabulous Mr. Barkley?
Oh, he asked me
to do some design work for him.
Even at a party,
you manage to find work to do.
You truly have a gift, Steve.
Well, it's Chasten's Moroccan tiles.
Turns out they aren't Moroccan.
So now his whole vision
for the foyer is at risk.
Oh. Wow, that's actually really serious.
Sinful child! I know it was you
who stole the monk's shrimp toast!
Stat! Glad you're here.
A fellow workaholic. Want to work a case?
Not really.
It's a pretty juicy one.
Missing person, distraught billionaire,
multiple boys with the same name, Patrick.
- Any chance of demonic possession?
- You tell me.
Ugh. Who compiled this?
Did your Nana print
a Bing search at the prison library?
How do you know my Nana's in
Can you please do your magic
and get me Patrick #5's digital footprint?
God will drop you
on the rocks, shattering you like a clam.
Uh, what are you watching?
It's called Cobblestones.
It's a Gyenorvyan soap opera.
It's only on the Christmas Internet
I'll never understand
the stuff you like, Stat.
Wait, look. The last text he sent.
"Meeting with a producer,
fingers crossed."
And then his GPS goes dark.
Once the sheriff's department sees this,
they'll have to open a case,
and I'll be a gay hero.
Thanks for the intel, Stat.
Enjoy your stupid TV show
that I don't understand.
I would love to hear
about Cobblestones.
It's about this tight-knit town
where the Devil owns the only factory
and makes bad workers blind
and ghosts have sex with nuns.
Wow. Is your town tight-knit?
West Hollywood? It is filled
with gay men who wear tight knits.
Maybe you could show me around.
Can't you download
satellite footage of it?
Yes,
but I want to see it with you.
Deb will kill me if I get 'Ru towed.
Let's see, "No quarter-hour parking
until half-past beginning
of permit parking permitted."
I think I'm good.
As you can see, Sheriff Globuchar,
this proves Chasten's assistant
Patrick was the victim of foul play.
Well, aren't you
just a concerned little citizen?
I just assumed the sheriff's department
would wanna know
when its citizens are in danger.
I'll add it to the pile, but no promises.
I mean, look at all these
parade float licenses I have to sign.
Isn't Patrick more important?
Look, I want to help,
but there's not a lot I can do
when your community preys on itself.
Patrick is probably just shacked up
with some rich sugar daddy.
But the evidence
Detective Gosch, would you be so kind
as to escort our frazzled friend here
from the building?
Unbelievable. I'm just trying to do
what's right. I'm a gay Samaritan.
Hope to see you at Pride!
Free Citibank beads on me.
What? I read the signs!
Yeah, the city
makes them confusing on purpose.
Don't the police have
better things to do than tow cars?
That's business.
Parking tickets pay to keep the lights on.
Well, how am I supposed to get home?
Just install WeHo's
new scooter app, Scootloop.
Gay people get their first mile free.
Ugh, why does this app need my weight?
That seems rude.
Hey, handsome. My name is Toluca Lake.
Patrick was my roommate.
If you want to know
what really happened to him, hop in.
You must have sensed
the determination pouring out of me.
I'll take any lead I can get.
How'd you and Patrick meet?
In acting class.
He was looking for a roommate
and I was looking for someone
to pay to live in my crawl space.
It was perfect timing,
just like meeting you.
How did you know I'd be there?
WeHo is a small town.
That's why when we lose someone, it hurts.
- Do you think I should take Melrose?
- Aren't we going in circles?
Yes, just like me
and the sheriff's department.
I told them Patrick
was the third boy in my class
to go to a secret rave
and never come back.
A secret rave?
They didn't have those when I was younger.
Or maybe I just wasn't invited.
It changes locations every month,
and there are powerful producers there.
When you're desperate, you'll do anything.
Like when I did an episode
of Guy's Grocery Games.
I'm so sorry.
This is the last message
I have from Patrick. It's my only clue.
Oh, my God, he's dead?
No, he played "Dead Barista"
on Criminal Minds.
Turn it over.
Bay of Pigs?
Find that party and you find Patrick
and the missing boys.
All this darkness under the surface.
WeHo needs a good facial.
- When will I see you again?
- I don't know.
Because of an accident
with the meat slicer,
they say my episode
of Guy's Grocery Games may never air.
Pam, remember,
you can stop the test whenever you want,
and we can walk out of here. Screw my job.
You're sweet, but this looks fun.
Like a ropes course with stakes!
Begin.
That's one hell of a partner you've got.
Deb, promise me you'll never
take Caryn for granted. I mean, Pam!
Caryn? V, what in the heck
is going on with you?
You've been saying a lot of subtext today.
I wish I knew.
All right, bring out the jumper cables.
So this place is the home
of the pastrami taco
and where the actress who played Bambi
overdosed on dancing pills.
Her body was still dancing
days after and Shit!
Ugh.
- Fucking traffic.
- Stat, is this better?
Whoa. Did you just do that?
Yes. Ever since you freed me
from the mine,
I have felt stronger, more myself.
Thank you for that gift.
Shut up, but also, like, thanks?
Uh, what else can you control? ATMs?
- Pigdick! God, I hate Scootloops!
- Maybe I can do something.
That's unusual.
I detect that the Scootloop app
has military-level encryption,
and the WeHo sheriff's department
controls it.
But cops already have cars, bikes,
and horses to ride and have sex with.
Why would they need to control scooters?
- Thanks for agreeing to meet.
- Obviously, I love Benji.
Also, you said I could order
whatever I want and didn't have to pay.
Can I also have 30 butters in a to-go bag?
- So, the reason I emailed
- Wait.
Do you, like, wanna film me
eating all this food?
It's fine, but you should
really throw me some money.
No. I just thought you'd maybe know
about the Bay of Pigs party?
Oh.
- For sure. I go every month.
- Do you know where it is this month?
No. I mean, they text out a location
a few hours before.
- I can let you know, as a favor to Benji.
- Thanks. You're a good guy, Antoni.
Hey, who stole our doorknobs?
Whoops. Gotta scoot.
- Damn. My free trial expired.
- Here. You can use my account.
It's done. The only thing
Maryweather's gonna be looking for now
are his hands and feet,
because he exploded.
The final test. Would Pam take a bullet
to keep your secrets?
Shit. I can't watch.
You! Administer the final test!
You passed! I love you, babe!
Ugh. I
I need some air.
Did you see V freeze up
when she went for the gun?
What is up? She's like the menu
in a dark restaurant, hard to read.
Well, you know me. I always bring
my cheaters and a flashlight.
Mary, I'm positive.
If that Scootloop exploded,
it's because the sheriff wanted it to.
And it was under my name.
The sheriff wants me dead 'cause I'm close
to finding out about the missing boys.
Wait, does the Agency know about this?
Why are we even doing this mission?
We're the only ones who can help.
Isn't that why you joined the Agency?
To root out corruption?
To make the world a better place?
To save lives?
We have to answer the call of duty, Buck.
Answered the call of duty 15 minutes ago.
I'm duty-free, sister.
These abductions
are happening at the Bay of Pigs.
Ooh. I went to that once
when it was at the city dump.
Honey, it looked like the set from Cats.
And when I tell you
the girls were meowing
Our only lead for an invite is dead now.
Fuck! Benji's gonna be devastated.
- Oh, yeah!
- It's Antoni's phone.
"Bay of Pigs tonight
at the Mulholland Reservoir."
"The theme is Cops and Hoggers."
We need to infiltrate this party, guys,
and stop whoever's abducting
these vulnerable young gays.
My money's on the Church of Scientology.
They love an empty skull almost
as much as my giant hermit crabs do.
Well done, Pam, you're cleared.
Now What are you doing?
Why couldn't you reach for that gun?
V, we can both see something
is eating away at you.
Trust me. Trust Pam.
Ever since I left the field, uh
I've been afraid to touch a weapon.
Post-traumatic stress disorder
is common in your line of work.
Sure, but this is something more,
like a mental block.
I'm missing important memories, too.
It's okay to be forgetful.
Shit, if Pam doesn't
write something down
That's not it, damn it!
In Gyenorvya, the princess
asked about my old partner, Caryn.
But I have no memory of Caryn.
How can a partner just be erased?
In my experience as a therapist
and unlicensed masseuse,
people carry
stressful memories in their back.
Ain't that the truth. Before I met Pam,
I was five inches shorter.
I've developed a treatment
using spine walking
to release buried memories.
I call it chiromancy.
At this point,
I'll try anything. I'm ready.
Walk on me, Pamela.
It's bullshit
Stat didn't have to come but I did.
Stat can't swim.
She thinks swimming is fake.
Guys, look.
Those are real guns and real cops.
They're with the sheriff.
We're close. I'm texting Chasten.
- Hi, bitch!
- Do you know them?
Mmm-hmm. From being gay and small.
Oh, my God, Brandon? Brendan?
Oh, my God, it's happening.
They're being sucked into a tube.
- I'm going in, right?
- In your dreams, Thicc Van Dyke.
Buck, initiate
sausage distraction protocols.
Uh, gladly.
Soak it in, boys!
I'm a stunning icon in flight!
Amelia Earhart, eat your ass out!
This is Skinny Justice, episode 193,
scene five, take one, action.
The time portal is closed.
We'll never save New Osmosis City.
Please. We've been filming
for three days straight. We need a break.
Well, how about you try the Writers Room?
No, not the Writers Room!
Please just kill me instead!
- Can you believe this, Twink?
- I know!
I'd be such a better time portal guy.
No! We're in international waters
because the WeHo sheriff is stealing gays
to make non-union superhero TV.
This must be the job Patrick #5 booked.
Hey! No phones on set!
You two are up next!
Read the prompter!
"Let me show you around Neptune base."
You know what? I'm sorry.
I can't build a character from nothing.
Just read it, Twink. Stall.
Wait, I recognize him. Cut!
Sheriff Globuchar. I knew it.
Well, if it isn't nosy Nancy.
- Congrats on booking Skinny Justice.
- It was you exploiting the community!
It's 2021. The one thing more precious
than drugs, oil or baby food?
Content. Welcome to
my streaming platform!
You're insane.
Quibi sounded insane, but now
it's the most successful company ever.
Is it so crazy to mine
WeHo's most valuable resource,
hot wannabe actors?
Take the most desperate ones,
pump 'em full of speed
and make 'em act 24/7 till they die?
Yes. That's crazy.
It's a small price to pay
to keep the city of WeHo safe.
It's a tax.
You even donated set decoration.
Subaru McLanahan!
There's no stopping
America's addiction to Peak TV.
We're done bingeing. Time to purge.
Hey, look how big that boat is!
Anybody over there like champagne?
Chasten! Oh, thank God for rich people.
I don't think this is work
Oh, my God! I remember Caryn!
I'm sorry, V.
This last one, it's so tight!
Let me try
Start wiping her.
If we wipe this deep, V won't
just forget her last mission with Caryn.
She'll forget Caryn entirely.
- Good.
- Wait!
Oh, my God. The AIA wiped my memory.
Dirk, you Clorox motherfucker!
Patrick! Oh, Chasten will be so happy.
Wait, Chasten sent you?
Yes, he was so worried. But now
you'll be back with him in no time.
Oh, God. Don't send me back there.
It's much worse.
At least here
I got to use my degree from NYU.
That's enough, Patrick.
Toluca? Wait, do you work for Chasten?
Do you know what your problem's
always been, Stevie? You're too trusting.
It's cute. Thanks for all the boys!
Come on. Honestly?
Chasten tricked me.
He wants those boys for something
and we just eliminated his competition.
I've never liked Chasten.
His company doesn't do free samples.
It's diabolical.
You know, Honestly? has been trying
to recruit me as a hacker for years.
Maybe it's time I respond.
Really? Yes, do it!
Thank God you're dark-web famous.
Hey, where's Mom? I mean Mom. I mean Deb.
V's debriefing her and Pam.
Those two almost lost everything.
We can't take the people
who matter to us for granted.
Poor, sweet, dumb Antoni,
blown up by a scooter.
- What a freak accident.
- Yeah.
Let's just hope there's meaning
to be found in his tragic demise.
Yeah, but there isn't.
It was just a crazy random accident.
We can't learn anything from it,
other than, I guess, life is random,
and death even more random?
Yeah. Random.
Wow.
Do you bring your friends here?
No. You're the first.
Oh. Doubt is
but grain for the Devil's millstone!
Shrimp Christ cursed us angels
to be formless.
But that I'm not in a body only means
I have more light to shine on you, child!
I like that angel, 'cause sometimes
I want to be a fleck of light
instead of stuck here in meatspace.
Yes, but I understand why the Nun
wishes she could see the spirit.
May I show you what I look like?
Whoa.
Hey, do you want to like
Yes. Yes, very much.
Take me over the moon ♪
Say if it's too much, too soon ♪
Alien cover girl vibing ♪
Step on your hand so you stay ♪
It's so convincing that way ♪
Ever look out from the island? ♪
I know it's so hard to hide in ♪