Quacks (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Spirits, if you be there, make yourselves known unto us.
We particularly hope to make contact with Elizabeth Sutton.
Are you there, Elizabeth? She was known as Beth.
Beth Sutton, are you there? There is one here -- your husband John yearns to speak with you.
Please come speak with us if you I felt a touch upon me.
Anyone else feel that? I saw a face in the dark for a moment.
A kind face.
The kind face of a beautiful young woman.
Was your wife beautiful? She was, yes.
- With black hair? A beautiful young woman with black hair? - Brown.
Dark.
Dark brown.
Yes.
It's her I see.
I feel she's here with us in the room now.
Please, Beth, if it is you, make yourself known.
Is that you, Beth? - Ow! You just kicked me! - What? - Under the table.
No, no, no.
It must have been the spirit of Beth.
Perhaps she doesn't like you interrupting.
Was that you, Beth? Did you kick one of us under the table? Make yourself known.
Is it her? 'Tis I, John.
I miss you so.
I miss you so.
Is she happy? Is she in pain? I feel no pain, but the pain of missing you.
Tell her I didn't mean to kill her.
I live with that every day.
This is ridiculous! Come on.
We should go.
This woman can't talk to dead people any more than I can make decent meringues.
Come on.
Sorry about her.
- I know it's probably bogus, but - Probably? - Part of me enjoys it.
I like believing I might be able to talk to Beth again.
John, perhaps it's time you moved your feelings on from Beth.
It has been four years.
I know, but I don't want to.
Don't you have feelings for Nicola, who works in the apothecary with her father? My main feeling about her is that her father rips me off.
Well, you often mention Miss Bell after her father's ripped you off.
In fact, last week in the public house, you said you bet she had a muff like a silk purse.
Come on, you shouldn't visit that pub.
It's full of unsavoury people who are not appropriate company.
Come.
- Dear William.
- Miss Mina.
I have you brought you some flowers and a box of cream buttons.
Thank you.
I sincerely hope that your stone is now smashed and that your gentleman's part is not damaged.
I have been so worried about you.
Perhaps you will soon be up and we can visit a funfair again, like we did when we were young and in love.
Mina, it is very kind of you to visit and bring me cream buttons, but I think you should know that although I am pleased to see you, it has been 20 years since we last knew each other and my feelings for your do not go beyond friendship.
Don't you respect me? Of course I do! Friendship and respect! Isn't that a wonderful place from which to build a marriage? What happened? The bishop was delivering a sermon on the importance of abstinence when he collapsed with abdominal pain.
Does this hurt? Your Grace, this is appendicitis.
I must operate at once.
It is simply wind! I will not be touched by surgeons! Why not? Five of my family have died under the knife! None of them had surgery by me.
You know as well as I that most patients who have an appendicectomy do not survive it.
Your Grace, you're right.
The surgery is in its infancy and it's dangerous.
For most surgeons.
But with me, it's 50/50.
But everybody who leaves an inflamed appendix dies when it bursts inside them.
I will no allow it.
It is farts! Your Grace, I understand your fears of surgery, but I can use drugs No drugs! I will not allow them near my lips! Drugs are Satan's decoy! The bishop must have this surgery or he will die.
Don't tell me, tell him! If he dies, he'll stop paying for the nurses at this hospital.
You're paid.
I always forget that.
And the hospital will close.
Well, you heard the man, the bishop's an idiot! Well, you'll think of something.
You're London's finest surgeon, are you not? How long have you been treating Brewer with your moral therapies? - Six months.
- And in that time have you noticed any discernible improvement in his condition? Hidden in the tone of my question is a clue as to my view on the subject.
I have great hope for him yet.
Last week, he knitted me a bobble hat.
In July? He's looking ahead.
And yesterday, I hear you again insisted on taking some of the patients painting in the park.
I think it's important that they have the opportunity to express themselves outside the confines of their cell.
One of them expressed himself by defecating in front of the Salvation Army band.
Not all these therapeutic approaches work, I grant you, Doctor, but I passionately believe that if we can guide our lunatics towards useful labour and crafts But you've been treating Brewer that way for six months and he still head-butts the wall and shits on the lawn! You have made no diagnosis! You have no cure! Dr Hendrick is threatening to turn this wing of the hospital over to some new function and, meanwhile, I hear you're planning a nutter's production of the Knights Of The Round Table! I take it you don't want a ticket, then? Hendrick wants to turn the asylum into a wine-cellar and cheese store for the Royal Society of Physicians.
That's quite a good idea.
I need some successes, or the whole asylum is in threat! Why don't you fake some results? That's an outrageous idea! Is it? You must have done it.
No, but only because it's hard to fake results in surgery.
If I claim to have successfully removed someone's leg, it is easily disproved if the leg is still attached to the body.
But he's looking for someone who's mad and seen to be cured by one of his treatments.
I'm not doing this! It's a disgraceful suggestion! - Go on.
- Hmm.
Well, it's hard to fake a leg break or a tumour, but relatively easy to fake madness, is it not? Yes, I mean, you just need someone to go like this .
.
and then you treat them with your whatever it is you do, and then they stop going Babb-le-le-le-le.
And then you'd have cured them.
What you're suggesting is completely wrong.
W-Who would I even get to pretend to be mad for a day or so? Hello, doctors.
Got any new disgusting medical stories I'd enjoy? - Any tumours that could talk? - Mr Hubble, do you know anyone who could convincingly pretend to be mad for a couple of days? And I'd pay them £2.
Do you know the Bishop of Lambeth? The Bish? The big Bish-Bash? He owns all the mop-houses in Covent Garden.
He's a good chap, ain't he? By good chap you mean a mad, fat pig, then yes.
He needs an appendicectomy, and I've got to do it without him noticing.
Precisely.
When he's next in one of his mop-houses, will you help me drug him? You're more and more persuaded to use drugs? When the circumstances are right.
For instance, you've got a mad, rich bishop who thinks he can fart out his appendix.
Good day, Fitz.
This is a new patient I'd like to have admitted, please.
What's his madness? What a stupid question, you pudding-faced turd! I hate you! He has a violent, uncontrollable rage.
- Name? - Isn't it obvious what my name is, you hairy idiot? Look at your stupid hat! Yes, it's Paul.
Paul Hubble.
There you are, Mr Clarkson.
That's for your glandular swelling.
- Right.
- And that's for your face sore.
- Thank you.
Mr Sutton! What can we furnish you with today? How was Father's last poultice? Terrific.
I distilled the morphine out of it, drank it and now I can't remember the last three days.
It was intended to be rubbed on inflammations, - not distilled and drunk.
- Was it? Oh.
Silly me.
Any interesting new herbs, tinctures or boogies in? Father's made a new nostrum to cure impure blood.
Got all sorts of gubbins in it, he said.
Um, well, let me have a little of that, then, please.
And since I'm here, I could use another three bottle of laudanum.
- Large.
- Very well.
And here's the new nostrum.
Mr Bell's Blood Mixture.
Permanent cure for all blood diseases, plus increased vitality.
You tried it yourself? You know I'm not permitted to try the store's products! Would you like to try some, with me, this afternoon? Perhaps after a walk in the park? Father will say no.
So let's not ask him.
What do you want now, you massive bawbag? Tuck your shirt in! As you can see, he has uncontrollable abstract rages that make him a danger to himself and others.
I suspect it was brought on by the solitary vice.
I'm confident that if I can spend a little time with him doing calming activities, I may be able to divert this irrational anger towards something more purposeful.
Wouldn't his anger be just as easily diverted by a cold bath? Or bleed him? I don't want to bleed him.
- Bleeding always calms 'em.
- Yes.
We could bleed him.
Well done, Fitz.
I think this man can be encouraged back to gentleness.
Let me prove to you that my methods here can bring results.
Very well.
Till Friday, at three o'clock.
If he's still shouty and silly, then we'll progress to the cold bath and the rotating chair.
By all means.
Darling, I need to talk to you about this book.
Which book? Leave us for a moment, please.
The Lustful Turk.
It's about an Englishwoman and what she gets up to on her holiday.
I have never read such a degrading torrent of uncontrolled passions.
Oh.
Page after page after page after page after page of it! One of the maids caught me reading it.
I was so ashamed to think that my wife might be thought to be reading such material, I had to pretend it was my book! Does Polly now think you have a taste for stories about Turkish men? Turkish men performing unspeakable acts in a tent! - You didn't like that bit? - Despite my endless entreaties, you continue to embarrass me with your behaviour.
Reading such material in public! Persisting in attending anatomy classes.
Yes.
I intend to become a doctor.
But that is never going to happen, so give it up! You loved me for my ambition once.
That wasn't medical ambition then, was it? It was just general enthusiasm for different things.
- Oh - All I need you to do is run this household properly.
That's all.
Like a million other normal women.
Yes, but I don't want to do that! I hate this house! And I hate being stuck in here with all these things! Don't turn this into a Greek wedding! I will! Ah! Not Mother's Royal Wedding milk jug! Miss Bell.
You look beautiful.
Thank you, Mr Sutton.
John, please.
What would you care to do today? Would you like to visit the boating lake? Or perhaps play a game of croquet in the park? Yes, we could, or there's some bare-knuckle boxing round the corner.
Get off the floor! Hit him! Yes! Yes! Stand up! Get up! When my father died, I sold his shop in Banstead and used the money to train as a dentist, and have a year in Italy.
Oh, I'd love to go to Italy sometime! I'll never take you.
It's an appalling place.
Is it? Where were you? Florence, which is a shithole.
Dark, nasty, smelly, corrupt Not bad food, though.
What's this, then, Senor? This is spaghetti.
It's made of wheat.
I've put lard with it and ~ .
.
cheese on top.
It's yellow.
I serve it with red wine, gin, beer, hashish, and a tomato salad.
Fancy.
Buon appetito.
What you looking at, mister? I'm looking at you, miss.
Oh! Let's have some coca leaves and ether! I think I might be in real trouble with you, Miss Bell.
Will your father not be missing you today? We could send him a message, saying I'm staying with Mother in Derbyshire.
Will you take me to Italy one day? I would love to do that.
And we could break into the Coliseum at night and have sex on the sand in the arena.
Well, hurry up and do it soon.
I'm going to end up having to marry that Lord Thornycroft.
Sorry? She's kind, thoughtful, amusing unbelievable in the sack.
I may be in love for the first time in years.
That's wonderful, John.
If you do have real feelings for her, might I suggest you resist writing her one of your poems? She's got such passion.
We spent the whole day in bed.
I can barely walk! I'm going to stop visiting prostitutes now I've met her.
High praise indeed.
Now it's only you who hasn't found a woman.
Can we meet her? Of course not.
I really like her.
The only problem is, her father wants her to marry Lord Thornycroft.
Who's Lord Thornycroft? Some fat old lord.
Nicola has no feelings for him.
Now she's met me, I'm sure she'll persuade her father to change his mind.
Won't she? I'm sure she will.
No-one wants to be in an unhappy marriage, do they? Does Nicola know about Beth? Not yet.
Does she know about your prostitute habit? I will tell her when the time's right.
About Beth, not the whores.
I did all I could for Beth.
We know.
She was terribly ill, John.
I gave her the overdose.
You were trying to cure her.
I'm not going to have a second woman I love taken away from me.
Nicola loves me, and I love her.
We'll run away to Wales together if we have to.
I'm sure it won't come to that! Mother! I came as quickly as I could.
How is he? - He has recovered.
- What happened? Dr Alexander said he went suddenly berserk.
He attacked one of the nurses, had her hanging out of the window, then he tried to flush himself down his own toilet.
He'd never been violent like this before! - Can we see him? - Yes.
He's sleeping now.
He seems so peaceful.
But this is a worrying development, is it not, - if he's moving from lunacy to dementia? - Yes.
They tell me our payments are in arrears? Yes, I'm afraid so.
It's been costing tens and tens of pounds to keep him here.
We've run out of money.
Well, then, we must sell some land.
The lower fields, down to the river, and both sides of the valley.
My dear, we haven't told this, but that land was all sold long ago.
When your father was first ill, he was tricked by a man posing as a Tory MP into making an investment into a banana plantation that turned out not to exist.
In fact, it transpires San Trinibados isn't even a real Caribbean island! - No! - Also, he spent .
.
£1,000 on a mid-period Rubens painting that turned out to be fake.
Mother! Why had you not told me this? We were too ashamed.
He wasn't himself, and I never understood paintings or bananas.
But we can't have Father in a public asylum.
He would not survive it.
Don't worry for now.
Miss Mina has agreed to clear our current debts.
Miss Mina, you are here.
Dear William.
Your mother told me of your current situation.
I came at once.
I have been delighted to pay the monies that are in arrears, - and for next month's care.
- Oh, the dear woman! That is most kind of you.
If you are visited with your father long enough, perhaps you'd care to join me for tea? - Ooh, we'd be delighted to! - I was talking only to William.
- Oh.
I'd love to but, sadly, I must return urgently to London, where a patient of mine is due for assessment.
Some other time, then.
There's an exhibition of medieval encaustic ceramics in Cirencester that I'd love to visit.
- I'd love to do that, too.
- Oh! Sorry to disturb! Ah, you must be Miss Bell.
- Afternoon.
- Lovely to meet you.
Heard so much.
I've just been told that the Bishop of Lambeth is at your brothel.
Not YOUR brothel -- the one you visit.
You don't visit it, I do.
I don't visit it.
But I've heard of this one in Covent Garden.
The bishop is there now, so I thought if we went together, we could slip some drugs into his wine and then I could perform the operation he doesn't want.
You want to drug a bishop against his will? I'd use an opiate.
He won't taste it in wine, and it'll knock him out nice and proper.
Nicola works at the apothecary.
Of course.
What a lovely couple you make.
In fact, I'll need a nurse, Miss Bell, if you fancy coming along? - Yes! - Pop your clothes on! I'm here to see the Bishop of Lambeth on urgent medical business.
- Where is he? - Upstairs.
Oh! Oh! Oh! A rising trot! A rising trot! The very picture of ecclesiastic dignity and grace.
Ride! Ooh.
He is big and fat, isn't he? Fly! Fly! Good.
Now, Miss Bell, would you go and give the bishop his wine, on the house? He'll assume you work here.
- Do I look like a prostitute to you? - Yes.
So, go.
Oh! Oh.
Oh.
Oh, thank you, my angel! We're going to need some water and several towels, please.
Hello, John, love.
Nice to see you.
You in for a session? No.
I've never been here before.
You must be mistaking me for someone else.
Oh, yes, of course.
Someone else who looks like you -- a cousin perhaps.
- Yes, my naughty cousin.
- Do you know these women? No.
Which ones? I'll keep him asleep with chloroform.
Going to make an incision now.
I need you to soak up the blood as best possible.
Oh! Ohhhh.
Oh, you bloody fat man! Ugh! Pull his fat back.
That's it.
That's it, go on.
Don't be shy.
Get your hands in.
Pull it back.
He's asleep.
You don't need to rush.
Oh, hello, John, love.
Are you in for one of your all-night foursomes later? I'm sure Gwen and the twins will be in this afternoon.
It's true that I have visited this place occasionally, but I'm giving up all these prostitutes now that I've met you.
It's true, he is.
He can't stop talking about you.
Ugh, that is his small intestine.
I'm going to feel round the bowel.
The appendix! Ah! Silks, please.
Thank you, Miss Bell.
We tie around his nose and we tie around his toes.
Ready for the snipping.
Thank you.
There! Ahhh There's the dirty devil! Time to sew up the beast.
Once you've finished that, I've got some socks that need darning.
- No! No! No! - It's for your own good! Get off! You don't understand! The doctor asked me to be mad! This is all an act! He's more insane than I originally realised.
Put him in the cold water! Sorry I'm late! He's the person responsible! He's paying me to pretend to be mad! Tell him! He is completely mad.
He's lying! - No, I'm not.
Put him in the cold water.
- No! - Finally, some sense! - No! Shall I get the rotating chair, sir? Oh, yes.
Yes, please.
William, I'm heading back across town if you'd like to share a carriage? How are you? Strange day.
My mother is trying to make me marry Miss Mina Hickley.
Miss Hickley? Do you want to marry her? No.
Oh, my dear William.
Poor you.
Let me kiss you, too.
We mustn't.
Oh, William! Oh! My dear Caroline! Kiss it more! We must control our passions or we will all be ruined.
Oh, there you are.
I'm nearly finished.
Come and help me attach the foresail.
I'm going to bed.
You're closing early.
John, love.
I wasn't expecting you this evening.
You're all dressed up.
I came to see if you fancied a night in.
- Get your bonnet off! - John, love, sorry.
I can't tonight.
I was going to come and tell you tomorrow, I'm marrying Lord Thornycroft.
No.
He proposed this morning at breakfast, in front of Father, and I said yes.
Don't marry someone who doesn't love you.
No, it's the other way around.
He does love me.
I don't love him.
Don't marry someone you don't love.
I'm writing you a poem.
Bet you this lord won't write you a poem.
No, thankfully! So what's he offer you, then? What's he got? Two houses? - Four.
- Four.
Four.
Where, London? - Hampshire? - Yorkshire.
And a villa overlooking Frattamaggiore, just outside Naples! Italy's awful.
I told you.
And I'll never have to work again.
I can move out the apothecary.
You like your job, and you're good at it.
And running those big houses, with all that staff, that can be testing.
I know.
These past few days have been such fun, but this is the right decision for me.
Take care, John Sutton.