Queer as Folk (UK) s01e05 Episode Script

(Alarm beeping) (Alarm stops) Right, come on, move, l've got work.
Oi! l said out! And you.
(Radio) 'The sun goes down tonight at nineteen minutes to five.
' Right, come on, shift your arse, l've got to sign on.
'.
.
in 33 days.
Four days to go till the Corrs play live' (Dog barking) That was all right last night, wasn't it? Bit of a laugh.
Am l gonna see you again or what? - You can see me now.
- Oh, fuck off.
- Uncle Stuart! - Call the police! Mad children on the loose! They do recognise you.
Thomas, say your piece.
Mum says your phone's broke.
You never call back.
Tell your mother she's not clever and she's not funny.
- Bye, Stuart.
- Bye, Stu.
- See ya.
- Who are they? Those nice men were fixing your uncle's plumbing.
ls that my shirt? ls it ironed? l met this bloke, thought he was nice but when l woke up You could have been dead.
Your mother's coming.
Shall l tell her? She's hanging on but if l tell her what you're doing she'll have you back home! Do you want me to tell her?! Do you? No.
- Anything else to say? - Sorry.
You're in this house on a favour, sunshine.
Don't piss me off.
- Hi! - Sorry l'm late.
Here he is.
Scrubbed and pressed.
See you tonight! - Phew.
- Why do you bother? That's for the shoppin'.
And a bit extra if he needs any pens.
Don't buy him more than two at once, he's always losing 'em.
Tonight? lt's not much warning, is it? l know.
l did ask Louise but Since their dad went they think l'm gonna disappear too.
lf you baby-sit they'll be so excited.
- What's his name? - Malcolm.
Don't laugh! lt's just work.
l'm up to my eyes.
Can't you ask Mum? - Tell her l have a date? - Good point.
(Kids yelling) Do you ever go on dates? Proper sit-down-for-dinner dates? Yeah, yeah, l did once.
Shagged the waiter.
OK.
l'll do it.
- l'll pick you up usual time.
- Don't give me a lift, it's embarrassing.
lf you'd rather not be embarrassed then you know what to do.
Come home tonight, love.
Just for tea.
Your sister'd love to see you.
And there won't be any trouble.
l'll pick you up tonight.
l'm not giving up, Nathan! l'm not walking out! There's an offer on coffee, two for one.
Might as well stock up.
And double the points on your card.
Get us a box of Weetabix.
- Your breakfast's 20 Bensons.
- For Little Lord Fauntleroy.
l'm not shopping for him.
What else does he want? Angel Delight? Nappies? Get me a big box of Surf, l've got double the laundry.
l'd forgotten how much teenage boys masturbate.
Mum! - Stiff as a board.
- Don't wash 'em, l'll have 'em! Bernard says he'll have 'em.
lt's like an 0898 number.
l'll bring the stuff round in the afternoon.
We're having words about Nathan.
lt's a fortnight now, it's ridiculous.
'Scuse me, sir.
Sue, put that on staff discount and put my name on it.
Ta.
You're busy, l'll just go.
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
Yeah.
- Cameron.
We met at Phil's funeral.
- Yeah, course.
- Sorry.
Vince.
- l know.
Well, bit of a coincidence.
Not really.
Phil told me you worked here so l came looking.
Just thought you might fancy dinner tonight.
- Sorry, not at work, you know? - (Whispers) ls that a yes or a no? l don't know.
l might be doing all sorts.
lt's all right, no pressure.
Here's my card.
- Think about it.
- Yeah, right.
Nice card.
Call me.
So why has it got to be me? He's dull as ditchwater, wife and three kids, one at Oxford, blah blah blah.
So no shock tactics, just behave.
Nice meal, couple of brandies and get him to sign.
Martin.
- Stuart.
l've heard a lot about you.
- All of it lies.
Sandra can book us a restaurant or Bridgewater Hall if you'd prefer a concert.
- (Mobile phone) - Excuse me.
There's a production of Twelfth Night - So we're talking now? - Shut your face.
Complete emergency.
l've been asked out - on a date.
Do you remember? Cameron Roberts.
We were stood by the buffet, he was taller than you, - Australian.
- Oh, yeah, the blind Australian.
- Was he nice? - Well Like, he used to be nice when he was young but he's, what, at least 36 and he's an accountant so he's probably gonna sell me a pension.
- Phil's dead so he's got a gap.
- Take the initiative.
Seduce him over the portfolios.
There's other things l could be doing.
Like throwing that kid out of my mother's house.
(Chuckles) l thought you might apologise.
Course not.
A day like that you need a shag at the end of it.
But he's waiting for the next shag so he'll stop there till he gets it.
- Why does it bother you? - Cos every time l go round Hazel's there he is - she's cookin' him tea! - (Chuckles) - Same old story.
lt's like that Alan Lucas, he falls in love with you and ends up locking himself in my bathroom.
Said he wouldn't shift till you come round.
He was in there three hours, he was eating toothpaste! l couldn't use my own toilet, l had to piss in the sink.
- That's what happens because of you - Mr Roberts? Yeah, l've got Mr Tyler here for you.
Putting you though.
Go on! Hi, it's Vince, yeah.
No, he's a trainee.
A bit useless.
l'm sort of busy.
Erm, l'll give you a call in a week.
No.
The thing is l'm really sort of All right then.
OK.
l'm having dinner.
Eight o'clock tonight.
- Yes! - (Beeps horn) He's got a date! l've got a pension.
You bastard! The concert begins at eight so l'll pick you up at ten to.
l did think, er l mean, the concert.
But l thought we'd have a touch more fun, you know, - if we went to your sort of place.
- My sort of place? Your sort of place.
Jesus Christ, is there no one straight left in the world? Martin! Twist my arm! That history project, when's it due? Monday.
l'll take a look at it Sunday.
ls that all right? Fine.
Come for tea.
- lt's like having two mothers! - And whose fault is that? Give it time, we'll wear him down.
l've banned EastEnders.
He's livid.
lt's simple - you go upstairs, you pack his bags, shove him in the car and take him home.
- Who's in charge, you or him? - He says, ''London'' every time l try.
And he could - plenty of boys his age just take off and He likes it here too much.
While he's here he's safe.
- What have l done wrong? - He's 15, that's all.
Happens all over.
Some boys don't come out of the closet - they explode.
What about his dad? Can't he do anything? He won't talk about it.
Won't talk at all.
l can't tell anyone.
lf l tell his school they'll tell social services - they'll have to.
And then there's Helen.
She gets interviewed and her name on a register at ten years old.
- No, all they'd do is visit.
- Oh, you'd know, wouldn't you? l'm sorry, l didn't mean Got it wrong, didn't l? Somewhere along the line l got it all wrong.
But he'll be all right, won't he? lf he's out on Canal Street, keep an eye on him.
- Course l will.
- Thanks, l'd better Thank you.
Oh, well done, Vince, reduce a grown woman to tears.
Like no one's talked to her before.
What's the matter with you? l've got a date.
No.
l don't want a pension.
Cameron, just stop right there.
No pension.
No.
lt's all your fault.
lf l end up with life insurance and endowment policies and things you're paying for it, all right? - Where are you anyway? - We're going to Via Fossa.
l've got a new friend called Martin so you won't be missed.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, my God, l'm here.
l'm going in.
Good luck.
Keep your phone on.
And Vince? Just remember one thing - you're fantastic.
l'm a fantastic twat.
ls the Rembrandt still going? Yeah, l go there.
And Via Fossa.
And the Union, and Manto's, and Metz.
And Napoleon's, New York New York.
And Cruz.
And Babylon and Paradise.
And Poptastic.
Just every now and then.
- You're officially a scene queen.
- l'm not.
l just go out a lot.
How come you don't? (Sighs) What is on that street that can surprise me? But how are you gonna meet someone? Hello.
Right.
Yeah.
Are you having a starter? l never have a starter.
Yes, l will, l'm starving.
l'm having a starter.
Blimey, look, there's hundreds of 'em! Where's that wine? (& Abba: Mamma Mia) See anyone you like? - There is one.
- Which one? l might know him.
- Oh, right.
- Sorry.
l don't suppose that? You wouldn't, not in a million years but l'll sign the contract if you're prepared to l mean it.
l will, l'll signif That was my boyfriend on the phone - Vince.
He's seeing his accountant tonight.
That's OK.
l-l'll sign it anyway.
Sorry.
Tell you what, what about him? Tall blond one, he's up for anything.
l'll put in a good word for you.
- How old is he? - 15.
15? That's a bit revolting, isn't it? Absolutely.
Nathan, l can see you now.
Bet you can't remember my name, you dirty shagger.
- You hanging round for a bit? - No, we're going.
- We just got here.
- We're going.
Nathan, love, calm down.
This might come as a shock but l'm not in love with you.
Back in a minute.
l'll have a dry martini.
lt's Daniel, by the way.
Dazz.
Daniel from last night? Daniel the six foot two barrister with a BMW? No, that's a different Daniel! (Laughs) (Laughs sarcastically) lt's a nightmare.
He says he's 36, the liar.
He's an old man.
lt's like the auditions for Cocoon 3.
Tell him that story about the broken leg.
That always works.
ls that Vince? Say hello from me.
Er, some twat says hello.
ls it Nathan? His mother had a right go at me.
Keep an eye on him.
Never mind him, just think about yourself for once.
We could go somewhere afterwards.
ls Cruz open? You're the expert.
Listen, l've got to make this call - there's this boy and no one's looking after him.
You don't mind? Stuart, seriously, it's your fault he's left home.
- (Beep) - Hold on, call waiting.
- Yeah? - Stuart, thank you so much.
That's all Ben needs, another man to abandon him.
l did leave a message.
lt's an emergency, l've got to work.
You're in a bar - l can hear it! How many dates do you think l get - (Beep) - 'Hold on.
' - Yeah? - Are you with Martin Brooks? His wife's on the phone, she's had the roof fall in or something.
- Martin, it's your wife.
- l'm not here.
- He's not here.
- Call waiting.
He's busy.
Look, could you put it down just for a minute? - (Beeping) - Yeah.
Sure.
Sorry.
- lf you want to go clubbing, l - (Mobile phone) Sorry, l promised his mother.
Hello? - Vince, put him on the phone.
- l'm not with Stuart.
You're always with him! l was supposed to be on a date! Marie, honestly, l'm not.
Hold on.
Call waiting.
(Beeps) - Yeah? - Vince, put him on.
l know he's taken Martin Brooks to some dive.
- l'm not with Stuart.
- His wife's going mental.
- Whose wife? - Martin Brooks'! - Who's Martin Brooks? - (Beep) Hold on, call waiting.
What?! - You hung up.
- Are you with Martin Brooks? - How do you know him? - Sandra's chasing him.
- l've never heard of him! - 'Hold on.
' - He's not with Martin Brooks.
- Who's Martin Brooks? - Sorry, wrong one.
No Martin Brooks.
- He is and his roof has fallen in! - Whose roof? - Martin Brooks'! - Marie, is your date with Martin Brooks? - Who the fuck is Martin Brooks?! - He's got a wife and a dodgy roof.
- l know him.
Let me have a word.
Oi! That's my phone! Call me.
What with? (& Blondie: Picture This) - Bastard accountants.
- Sweetheart, l've missed you.
l'm stocking up on this aftershave.
Oi, Donna says you've had him.
Well, that's the last you'll see of him.
He's a chicken hawk.
Buy you dinner but once they've shagged you they won't look at you.
- l've had him twice.
- He never bought you dinner.
- Do you like him? - He's all right.
Oh! Like Nathan's not completely in love? Word of advice - he can swan about but there's one thing he's short of, he's not young and he knows it.
Your age, you can make him beg.
- What's your name? - Adrian.
Martin.
Martin, Adrian.
Off you go.
Drink? (& Abba: SOS) - Waste of time, he didn't even like me.
- He must have.
No shag.
He's gay, we go out on a date.
Where's the shag? l don't care.
See that bloke there? He's been looking.
l'm going over.
- He asked you out, he kissed you.
- Then he went home! lt's unnatural.
ls it so hard to believe someone fancies you? l don't care.
l'm shagging.
l am.
(Donna laughing) Sorry, d'you mind shutting your mouth a bit? Yeah, sure.
Er lt's just more sexy if you keep your mouth shut a bit.
Yeah, sure.
Oh, my God, you've got Genesis Of The Daleks! - Yeah? - Can we watch it? - We can watch it after, yeah? - Oh! Can we watch it now? Please? - 'Davros!' - 'Exterminate! Exterminate!' 'Exterminate!' Cos this is the first time Davros ever appeared, he's manipulating the war between the Kaleds and the Thals.
- l know.
- Cos they were the first Daleks ever and they were called the Mark Three Travel Machine.
l know, it's my tape.
Three more episodes! Molto bene, molto! (Davros) '.
.
the supreme creature, 'the ultimate conqueror of the universe! The Dalek!' lt was all right.
lt was nice.
Apart from the spitting.
l suppose you got lucky? Good clubs, though.
Must be marvellous doing that all the time.
- Do you think? - Should be good tonight.
What time is your train at? Oh, l'll call and cancel.
- l'll tell Anne l've got to work.
- Fine.
Cancel, go ahead, get pissed, get shagged.
Fine! Do it again and again, get shagged every night of your life.
Forget your wife, forget your kids.
Just don't be a tourist.
You either do it or you don't.
So what's it gonna be? Staying or going? My train's at half past.
They're all talking.
Amanda Boyce for starters.
What did she say? ''How come Nathan doesn't walk to school any more?'' And Chinese Susan says, ''He's never home.
lt's like there's a divorce.
'' What did you say? l said nothing.
l said l don't know.
- That is brilliant! - No, it's not! lf school hears, you'll have education welfare down your back.
lt happened to Billy Valentine.
They put him in care.
- And he had real problems.
- l've got real problems! Oh, like what? Like your mother's been going through your things? - Big deal! - She knew everything! She'd been spying! So? She's your mother, it's her job! She thinks if l move back home l'll go back to normal.
Like l'm sick and l'll get better.
- She never said that.
- You don't know her! You know nothing! Cos you're straight! You're part of the system! The fascist heterosexual orthodoxy! l'm black and l'm a girl.
Try that for a week.
- l'm late, l'm on the midday shift.
- You've got The Seeds Of Death! lt's a classic! l'llcome round and watch it some time.
ls that all right? Yeah.
Wellbye.
Beware the Mentiads! (Door closes) l took him to Alderley Edge, he loved it.
- Vince not with you? - Should he be? l was talking to Alfred.
We've been entertaining another of your babies.
When Helen was five she used to ride piggyback.
Hiya.
- Why are you here? - l was passing.
Weekends, l could look after Alfred.
You know, baby-sit.
You work all week you must be worn out at your age.
We like Nathan.
Nathan can stay.
lt's like having a houseboy - he could do the garden! lt's the Stuart Jones Foundation For Fallen Boys.
- Can l help it if he's obsessed? - At 15? What does that make you? - A train set? A PlayStation? - (Laughing) (Ghanaian accent) Sorry, am l interrupting? This must be Stuart? Heard all about you, mate.
l have heard nothing about you, mate.
Lance.
Lance Ampomah.
Nice to meet you.
l have told you.
Lance works at the university.
We did a seminar on ethics.
lf you listened.
He's moved in.
He's got the room at the back.
Our token straight.
Oh, look at Alfie.
lsn't he hot in that? Do you mind? - (Crying) - Oh, oh, oh, come here big fella, yes? Er, moved in since when? Oh, it's not for long.
My visa expires in five months.
l had to move flats last week so Romey helped me out.
l'm another one of her lost causes.
You can't turn your back on this house.
And yet you still do.
(Lance) Oh, there we go.
- Look at that.
Oh - (Gurgling) Oh-oh, who can fly then? Yes.
Yes, you can.
And again! Knock knock.
lt's Eileen's last day, we're going for a drink.
- D'you fancy coming? - Er, no Sort of busy.
- Anything interesting? - No, just this friend.
- l might not go.
- ls it a date? Erm Might be.
Have a good time.
Good for you.
lf you don't go we'll be in the Feathers at seven.
Hello, it's me, Vince.
l did phone.
l left a message.
ls this what you do on Saturdays, apologise for the week? The childminder's a bit stupid with messages.
- Get an answerphone.
- l had one.
Robert took it.
Here, get a new one.
The car needs a service, the clutch is going.
- How much? - 200.
And Tom's nagging for software, he wants a new graphics package.
Just call it 500, yeah? Fine.
- Oh, Mum and Dad are getting a divorce.
- Yeah, yeah.
Funny.
You've been to see them? Driven all of ten miles to see them? Course, they don't tell golden boy.
l get it all.
- What have they said? - You could just write them a cheque.
lf you don't believe me, go and see them.
l'll draw you a map.
(& Pounding techno) Honestly, l don't mind, we could go down Castlefield.
You like this place, you said.
lt's your day, we're doing what you like.
Problem is, it all starts to look the same.
l spent three years in Sydney, you know? lt's fantastic.
The scene's huge, hundreds of pubs, and then l come here, halfway across the world and what do l find? The same men standing in the same clubs.
- Yeah.
What's the same? - The men.
Right.
- Same as what? - The same as Sydney.
- She was at the funeral, that woman.
- What woman? (Cameron) That one there.
Hey! Where the fuck have you been?! Hiya.
Stuart, Cameron.
You've met.
That's right, yeah, we met by the buffet.
l liked that buffet, it was fucking excellent.
- You're pissed.
- Get me a drink! (& Touch And Go: Would You Go To Bed With Me? ) & Would you go to bed with me? & - What does an account director do? - l direct accounts.
Some of it's shit but some of the clients are good.
Manchester indie labels, that sort of thing.
l could do it in my sleep.
l don't know.
l'm thinking about moving.
l'm lookin' around.
- What for? - Anything.
There's always something better, isn't there? Waiting to come along.
D'you know that feeling? Here you go.
You took your time.
l missed you.
Oh, don't mind me.
- Where's he going? - Up his own arse.
There it is.
Not much.
D'you want a drink? - You having one? - Just one.
l can't stay up.
l'm working first thing.
- Gin and tonic.
- Yeah? Gin and tonic.
Sorry about Stuart.
l haven't seen him that pissed in ages.
Some friend.
He made a pass at me.
No, he's always like that.
Vince, l've been around the block.
He was making a pass.
No, really, he wouldn't fancy you.
Thanks(!) No, l mean lt's just types, you know? He wouldn't.
He did.
lt's nice.
Nice place.
Ahh Doctor Who.
We used to get that.
Scared me as a kid.
The one with the shop window dummies.
And that one with the maggots.
That was good.
How many tapes have you got? You one of those anorak blokes? - Your tapes! - Sod the tapes! Which tapes?