Raised By Wolves (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

You said this would be like Star Wars.
This is nothing like Star Wars.
Yes, it is.
Allies and an evil empire.
Hitler is Darth Vader.
R2-D2 is Churchill.
And where's Han Solo? He's the best thing in Star Wars.
Not everything has Han Solo in.
World War II is one of those things.
Then I have no interest in World War II.
Urgh, it's my mother.
She'll be wondering where Grampy's got to.
You get it, Germaine.
And if she asks what you had for breakfast, say "porridge".
I'm not having her gloating about Pop Tarts.
Hi, Nan, it's Germaine.
No, he's in the bath.
No way! Yeah, I'll tell him.
Oh, my God! This is massive.
I have massive news.
I am full of massive news.
I'm like Channel 4 News, with Krishnan Guru-Murthy and Zeinab Badawi! Grampy! What? Get out here! You're gonna want to hear this.
What? Seriously, Grampy, I have got massive, massive news.
You are not gonna believe what I am gonna tell you.
It is edge-of-seat stuff! Tell me, then.
Your mom is dead.
My my mom's dead? I've always wanted to go a funeral, so I'm going to max out on this one big-time! What about these as my funeral shoes, Mom? They are over 90% black.
All right.
But cover that swoosh with black gaffer tape.
I'm not having Nike marketing themselves at the graveside.
You can't just do it when you're dead.
Five days, and I still feel sad.
Grief really does linger, doesn't it? Death is such a bummer.
Why do people have to die? Cos if there was no death, we'd have to do this for ever.
Poor Great-Gramma Joanna.
She was so good.
She let us play with her diabetes machine, and she gave us jam tarts after we'd brushed our teeth.
Why did it have to be her?! She was 92, Germaine.
But she had so much more to live for.
No, she didn't.
She just sat in a chair all day watching Eggheads.
That's a great life! I would totally live that life.
Is this OK, Mom? It's my Halloween witch costume, but without the hat.
Or the nose.
Or the wart.
Colour in the stripes on your tights and you're good to go, bab.
This hat's very Elizabeth Taylor.
I could definitely create a fragrance in this hat.
Dad? You OK? What?! I'm on my way.
What's up, Mom? Your fucking shit nan has dumped Grampy.
Five days after his mother died.
Five days! They've split up? No.
She's literally dumped him.
In a lay-by.
Like a bollocksed mattress.
Anyone who's had a piss in the last half-our - in the car! Get in, Dad.
I don't know what happened, Del.
One minute we were on our way to the NEC for BBC Good Food Live.
The next thing I knew, she'd pulled over and told me to sling my hook.
Said she couldn't hear the traffic reports above my sobbing.
So she's gonna swan round Good Food Live and deny her own mortality, is she? I think that's her plan.
James Martin's doing a live cook-off.
She's gonna heckle him.
Grampy, do you think you're going to eat that kebab? Mom! No grief-eating, Germaine.
Find another way to cope with your emotions that doesn't involve your gob.
On a scale of one to ten, how sad are you right now? Seven? Good.
Let's take it up a notch.
Yoko, get the curtains open.
Aretha, stop that maudlin bollocks.
Would you prefer this? Oh Go and make him a cup of tea.
And stick a brandy in it.
You're not going back to that heartless gorgon.
Move in here with us.
At least until after the funeral's over.
But my suit, Del.
I need my suit.
And my good shoes.
I can't go to my mom's funeral in moccasins.
These are my bifter-smoking shoes.
It's inappropriate.
Don't worry.
Aretha, you're coming with me.
We're going to get your Grampy's gear and I need a cold, dead wingman with nerves of steel.
Yeah.
OK.
Just, er, less of the cold and dead, Mom.
Fair point.
Not cold and dead.
Sorry, Dad.
Water off a duck's back, Del.
I'm in the abyss.
Watch him like a hawk.
Put something upbeat on.
Like Grease.
Or that one where they go on a journey.
But, Mom, that is all films.
Just get on with it, Germaine.
OK.
Leave it with me.
I'll keep Grampy's spirits up.
Wyatt drank all the milk so there's no tea.
Or brandy.
So I got you a can of Carlsberg with a shot of Jack Daniels in it.
A Carl Daniels, if you will.
We're not going to do anything illegal, are we, Mom? No.
Of course not.
Then why did you bring your cosh? Don't tell Mom I've made us a grief platter.
We need to keep our strength up for the sobbing.
Right.
So, um, what film are we watching? What about Bambi? Not suitable.
Death of a parent.
Annie? Heavy orphan theme.
Hello Dolly? Mariah's scared of Walter Matthau.
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs? There's nothing scary about A Chance Of Meatballs, is there? Rabbits! Hmm? Cartoon rabbits.
You can't go wrong with cartoon rabbits, right? Thanks.
You all right there, Grampy? How's the grief? Is it triggering thoughts about your own brief candle? We're all just brief candles, Germaine.
Yeah.
But young people are long candles and older people are more like tea lights.
There's not a lot of wax in a tea light, Grampy.
Anyway, you just let us know if your sadness overwhelms you, OK? Right, who wants a Tangfastic? Yeah! Is she definitely still in Birmingham? Nothing'd stop her from telling Paul Hollywood his malt loaf makes her gassy.
You'll need this.
Yeah, I reckon I could kick this in.
Mom! Grampy gave us his key.
It would just be nice to do it again.
For old times' sake.
Jesus Christ! The atmosphere in here must be 90% Glade.
What my mother lacked in unconditional love, she made up for with peach fragrance.
Aw, Fiver is so cute.
Bigwig is definitely the sexiest rabbit.
He's the Alec Baldwin of the warren.
Let's let some light and air in, eh? She hates light and air.
Look at these! They're awful.
Germaine has got eight chins in that one.
Mm.
She loves a shit photo, my mom.
If you look blurred, demonic or fat in it, she'll frame the frigger.
The only person I know who was pissed off when they invented anti-red-eye.
This is her absolute favourite.
She frigging loves that photo.
Worst day of my life, that.
You look weird.
I look scared, Aretha.
I'd just done a pregnancy test in the bogs.
That's frigging Germaine making me wanna heave, as well as the Jagermeister and skunk from the night before.
Mom, I can taste chemicals.
I think the peach molecules in the air might be eating through my mask.
Come on.
Let's get his suit and get out of this chintzy snake pit.
Why did the rabbit die, Grampy? The Black Rabbit of Death came, Wyatt.
When the Black Rabbit comes, your time is up.
Excuse me for a second, kids.
I'm just gonna pop outside for some air.
I'm a tiny bit worried I've triggered an acid flashback.
I'm sure it's nothing but Oh, Grampy.
Isn't he funny? We'll miss him, when his time comes.
Don't worry, Grampy.
It's just a cartoon.
I used to be scared of the Daleks until Great Gramma Joanna told me to call them "the Dereks" instead.
She was a good woman, your great-gramma.
Not a clever woman, granted - she only realised last year that Dame Edna was a bloke.
But she was kind.
The Tooth Fairy only stopped visiting me when she had that fall.
Mm, don't you worry about me, Yoko.
I've been through worse.
In June of 1978, I met the devil at a house party in Bloxwich.
You met the devil? The devil's always on the guest list, Yoko.
Especially when you're smoking very high quality Moroccan.
Anyway, you go back inside and finish the film.
I'm gonna go for a wander.
Tell my sorrows to the pavement.
Oi, don't look in any of the smaller drawers.
I can't afford to get you counselling.
Let's rescue his stash.
Bollocks! She'll have seen our car.
We need to get out or she'll mace us and claim she thought we were burglars.
She's gone into the kitchen.
She always has half a Ski yoghurt after a long drive.
Go out the front door.
Get into the car, start the engine, get my fags out of the glove compartment and put on my special mix tape.
You're not coming with me? You're not going to take her on, are you? No frigging way.
Those acrylic nails she wears are reinforced with carbon fibre.
She'll have my eye out.
I just need to do something first.
Now bugger off! Accelerator, brake, clutch.
Shit! God, that felt good! You know what? I could totally Thelma And Louise it right now.
Off the frigging cliff! Mom! Oh, don't worry.
I won't.
I've only just had the MOT done.
Grampy's been gone ages.
Do you think we should look for him? Nah.
He'll be fine.
He's probably just outside having a little cry on the doorstep or something.
He said he was going for a wander.
Isn't it bad when old people wander? Got your suit, Dad.
Where's Grampy? He's just out having a smoke.
Well, he's not out there now.
Frigging hell! I told you to look after him, Germaine.
Did he say where he was going? No.
But he said something about seeing a devil at a party.
Oh, Christ, not again.
It's like living with frigging Nick Cave.
I blame you for this, Germaine.
Could you not have put on something less existential than Watership frigging Down? The DVD case for Mr Popper's Penguins had Steel Magnolias in it.
The whole system is bananas.
Grampy's ringing! Huh - Where have you been, Dad? - Grampy! I thought you'd been hit by a car, or, worse, gone back to Mom's.
I can't lie, Del, I was full of sorrow.
I wandered the Warstones estate like a lost soul.
The way Bowie did when he went to Berlin.
But then, I looked in my wallet and I saw that lovely picture I carry of you lot.
Which reminded me, I keep my emergency fiver tucked behind it.
So I bought myself some chips.
One whiff of vinegar and I was right as rain.
I think I was just hungry, Del.
All I needed was a saveloy.
I'd stick you in with the kids but I think Wyatt might have nits and you don't need that shit on your plate right now.
Oh, don't you worry about me, Della.
I'll be fine here under the stairs.
Like the boy wizard, Potter.
Yeah.
Voldemort can't get you now, the noseless old cow.
Just got to get you through the funeral, and then you'll have some closure.
I'd love some closure right now, Del.
Careful, Dad, that's the gas meter.
Eurgh.
What's that smell? Peach air freshener.
Don't ask.
Urgh, grief is so tiring, isn't it, Aretha? What are you watching? Maitlis just burnt Hunt on Newsnight.
And now I'm going to watch Chuka Umunna crushing housing on Question Time.
Hmm, Aretha.
I've got that juice in my belly button again.
They don't tell you about that in Heat magazine.
Tonight we're in Southampton and welcome to Question Time.
Bummer! Lee! Thanks for all your help.
Oh, Great Gramma Joanna, I wonder where you are now? She's in a coffin six feet underground, Germaine.
What will we do without her? She was so wise.
No, she wasn't.
She tried to lose weight by eating fish fingers.
I like fish fingers.
That's kingfishers, Yoko.
You know, I've really struggled with grief this week.
But then, I made a discovery that changed everything.
I've discovered masturbation.
No.
No.
No! Seriously! You guys really need to try it! It's brill! It's really helped with the grief! Every time I've felt a bit sad, I've just, you know had a little play with myself.
I've used things, too.
Not your things.
But I think I'm turning out to be quite broad-minded.
Aretha! Aretha! You wouldn't be so angry if you just played with yourself every so often.
Aretha! Wank away the pain, Aretha! Aretha! Sorry, petal, I'm out of tissue.
That's the hard part over with, Dad.
All you have to do now is get royally plastered at the wake.
And I reckon you can handle that.
Sure thing, Del.
I'll be right there.
I'm just gonna top up on closure behind that sepulchre.
All right, wee one.
Della! It's your mum! Mariah, go to the car.
Chill.
She can't come any closer.
This is holy ground.
She wants me to go over there.
The longer I wait, the tetchier she'll be.
She hates having the motor idling.
No, don't go over there.
She'll flash you her Spanx and suck you right back in.
Wait it out.
She'll get the message.
She's opening the window, Del.
She only ever throws overarm when she's livid.
Well, she's had your balls, Dad.
Looks like I'm all yours now, Del.
Your mum doesn't forgive easily.
I am aware of that, Dad.
She still carps on about how she missed the last episode of Tenko because I was hit by that bus.
So what are you going to do with me? Now I'm yours? Let's start by getting seven or eight Guinness in you at the wake and we'll take it from there.
Mum, Mariah's making my legs go numb.
Try having her on top of your bladder for nine months, whilst not eating Brie.
It's good to have skin-to-skin contact when you're grieving.
Animals do it.
I watched a documentary.
Elephants sing when their loved ones die.
Oh, I'd sing if you died.
I've already chosen the song.
Celebrate by Kool & The Gang.
My skirt's all ruched.
It's hard to be chic in a Mondeo.
You keep your hands where I can see them, Germaine.
No, not there! No! No.
Fine.
I'll just put them there, then.
Good.
Not even you could derive sexual pleasure from your own face.
I bet I could Look at the gate, Mum.
What the frig? Have we been burgled? I think it's the opposite, bab.
Your Barbra Streisand records, Grampy! She's off-loaded the archive.
There's Shirley Bassey.
Did Shit Nan do this? Shit Nan's revenge There are little scratch marks all round the lock.
She must've tried to pick it.
But she frigging failed, and dumped it all in the garden.
She's old-school, your nan.
She won't stand for having her consort taken.
You don't even need vinyl any more, you know, Dad.
It's all on Spotify now.
I like a strong woman on an imperishable format, Del.
Well, well, well.
Mumm-Ra dropped her nail.
Cowa-frigging-bunga! I better start to clean up and get Streisand off your brassicas.
Leave it, Dad.
You've had a long day and your balls cut off.
Go and put your feet up.
The kids can sort this.
Really? You're an angel, Del.
I'll go and clear a little space for the divas, under my bunk.
Wyatt, go get your mummy a cider, sweetheart.
I'm gonna sit here for a while.
Enjoy my garden.
Yup? Mum said, do you want a bath Guinness? Yeah, I think I would.
Cheers, laddy.
I'll be out there if you want another one.
Great stuff.
You can't go in the bathroom.
Grampy's relaxing in there.
Whevs, Wyatt.
I've got my own relaxation method.