Raising Hope s01e05 Episode Script

Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Grandpa, did you bring me any more candy? Mom.
Oh, God.
Burt! Maw Maw got into the candy.
Hang on, I'm in the middle of something.
Mommy, are we going trick-or-treating? - Maybe.
- Ooh.
But first go out on the porch.
It's your turn to look out for Japanese planes.
Sorry, I was chasing down a fly.
I got it.
You were supposed to be watching Maw Maw.
You know when she eats too much sugar, she gets all worked up and thinks she's nine years old again.
I like nine-year-old Maw Maw.
We play jacks.
Hey, Jimmy, come here.
Look what I got.
- Let's scare Hope with it.
- What? Why would we do that? - It's her first Halloween.
- She's seven months old.
She gets scared when somebody sneezes.
I'm not gonna try and scare her with a little skull.
Come on, let me scare her just a little bit.
No, geez, you're worse than that man with the scary mask who lives around the block.
I wonder if he's gonna be out this year.
I hate Halloween.
It started when I was three, and I had a really great costume as MC Lil'J.
Then my Halloween was ruined by some jerk that lives in our neighborhood.
And I ended up spending most of the night clutching onto my father, terrified.
Even as I got bigger, that guy would still freak me out.
You taking Hope trick-or-treating tonight? Uh, no, I think Hope's a little young to be trick-or-treating and yeah, I'm not really a big Halloween guy.
Burt, you gotta tell him.
Shh.
Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
It's about the scary man in the mask.
What about the scary man in the mask? Did you find out who it is? Because we can call the cops.
- Burt - Fine.
There is no man in the mask.
- Is it a ghost? - No, it's not a ghost.
So adorable.
What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you torture me like that? The hugs.
- I did it for the hugs! - What? When you hugged your mother, you always gave her these great, tight, squeezy hugs.
When you'd hug me, it was weak.
It was like getting whacked in the neck with a couple pieces of spaghetti.
It's true.
You used to give him some really crappy hugs.
He deserved better.
What do you say? Could I just scare her just a little bit? - No! - Come on.
I want her to start hugging me.
You stay away from my daughter.
You're forbidden to be around my daughter on Halloween.
You're a monster.
Seriously, there's something wrong with you.
I like to be loved, Jimmy.
It's called being a human being.
Attention, shoppers , just a friendly reminder.
There are no bikes allowed in the store.
Thank you.
Happy Halloween.
Jimmy.
Fine, no, it's fine.
No, it's fine.
I said it's fine, Wyatt.
I don't know how to say "It's fine" any nicer than that.
Bye.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up? Ah.
We're out of candy.
Maw Maw ate it all.
She's on a sugar bender.
She even ate a candle that smells like a chocolate chip cookie, so Are you okay? I'm fine.
It's stupid.
It's just one of the deli guys is having a Halloween party tonight, and Wyatt was supposed to come into town for it and now he's not.
- You don't think he's cheating, do you? - What? - No.
- Oh.
No, it's just It's not that big of a deal.
It's just, Halloween's like one of my favorite holidays, and we're supposed to be going as Batman and Robin, and now I'm just Robin.
I'm gonna look like an idiot.
Whatever, this isn't your problem.
Thanks for letting me vent.
- Wait.
- Just another friendly reminder that we appreciate your business, but we can't allow bicycles in the store.
Happy Halloween.
Uh, you know, I was hitting a few parties myself tonight.
In fact, I happen to have a Batman costume from last year, so if you wanted me to put it on and stop by the deli guy's party, I could maybe stand near you so you don't look stupid.
Well, if you don't mind, I would love to have a Batman.
I don't mind at all.
Okay, I'm calling the cops about the bike! Happy Halloween.
I need you to make me a Batman costume, and I need you to watch Hope tonight.
- I'm going to a party.
- Can't do it.
- Which one? - Neither.
I promised nine-year-old Maw Maw I'd take her trick-or-treating.
You can make your own Batman costume, but I used most of the black fabric turning an old dress into a kitty cat costume.
Meow.
I'm ready to go, Mommy.
- Meow.
- Dear Lord, she's got it on backwards.
All right, sweetheart, come with me.
She looks like a transvestite ninja.
Hey, can you watch Hope tonight? Me, the monster? You want the monster to watch your daughter? Not really, no, but I don't have a choice, so I'm sorry, I've been forbidden by her father to be near her on Halloween.
Besides, I got plans.
I'm going egging.
Yeah, you're quite a grandfather.
I'm not cleaning this up! Are you sure you want to leave her with us? 'Cause you could just, say, drop her at the fire station.
What, so I can go to a party? I'm not gonna give my daughter away just so I can go to a party.
You don't have to leave her there for good.
You just have to act like you are.
You get six hours to change your mind.
My father left me there when I was seven after I called him the "C" word.
Five and a half hours later, he came back for me.
What kind of person would do that just to teach you a lesson? I'll give you a hint.
It begins with the letter "C.
" You ready to go home yet, sweetheart? Mommy's feet are getting tired.
Not till my bucket's full.
Ahhh.
Where you going, dude? Come on! Damn, you were fast when you were a little girl.
Maw Maw, no! - Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, drink this.
Okay.
I decided I'm gonna have fun tonight.
I can see that.
Good.
I'm a big fan of fun.
We don't need stupid Wyatt to have a good time, right? We certainly do not.
We do not need stupid Wyatt.
- Who's watching Hope? - A couple of good friends.
Oh.
She's in good hands.
Yeah.
What are you doing? I got that food out for the baby.
This is baby food? What a waste.
This is delicioso.
It's like meat pudding.
Great, Javier.
You ate all the baby food.
What are we gonna feed the baby? Give her some chips.
We can't give her those chips.
They're hot pepper flavored.
- There.
- I don't even know if she has teeth.
What if she chokes on it? Chew it up and spit it into her mouth, baby bird style.
- That's gross.
- It's not gross.
Birds do it.
Besides, I already licked it.
What difference does it make if you chew it up? Hello.
- How's it going? - Great.
- We're feeding the baby.
How's the party? - Oh, great.
She's really mad at her boyfriend.
I think she's looking to get back at him.
That's fantastic.
All right, well, I was just checking in.
If she wakes up in the night and she seems hungry, there's more food in the pantry.
Okay, if we run out of food, we'll look there.
The pantry.
And when she goes to bed, make sure she has her favorite I gotta go.
I won't go, I won't stay Till you give me a taste I wanna feel like that So I shake and you sweat And we'll dance, no, let's sing Oh, no, no, no, no I wanna feel like that So tell me do you like that I don't think I like that Well, maybe we should stop this I wish we never started Oh, maybe we should go, I wanna feel okay I got a problem and it drains my soul Don't tell, nobody knows I used to feel all right Wyatt? Wyatt? - What are you doing here? - Surprise.
I got you.
You didn't think I was really gonna stand you up on Halloween, did you? Yes.
Oh, my God, I can't believe you're here! Tonight's gonna be awesome! You guys have fun, okay? I'm gonna Hey.
You're with us tonight.
What do you think, I'm gonna ditch my friend just 'cause my boyfriend shows up? - No, I mean, it's okay - Come on, man, let's party.
Okay, we're almost full.
This one should do it.
And it's feet soaking and Jolly Rancher martini time for Mommy.
- Hi.
- Trick or treat! - Where's your kid? - She's the kid.
Trick or treat! No candy for people over 14.
This is trick-or-treating, not panhandling.
Trust me, I understand where you're coming from, but I just wanna go home.
If you could maybe just give her some raisins or maybe an apple or something nasty one of your kids got, you just re-candy.
Trick or treat! Mommy, can we do a trick? You bet your batty nine-year-old ass we can.
Sabrina? I think I'm gonna take off.
- Hey, what's going on? - Nothing.
I'm just staring at her.
That's all.
I'm not sniffing her feet, if that's what you're asking.
Was not doing that.
What Oh, man, she's passed out, huh? Yeah, I think so.
Wyatt, come on, let's go! Yeah, a bunch of guys I went to high school with want me to go to another party.
Would you mind keeping an eye on her? Wait.
Are you asking me to stay here with your passed-out girlfriend? Hey, bat dudes? How about you both go to the party, and I'll keep an eye on her? Look, I'm asking you to stay here with a passed-out friend.
Sabrina said you guys have been hanging out a lot lately, which I'm totally cool with, by the way.
I appreciate you keeping her out of trouble while I'm at school.
Okay.
Yeah.
No problem.
You're a good guy, Jerry.
It's Jimmy.
Come on, Maw Maw, throw it high, just like you're welcoming Charles Lindbergh home.
What's going on? Mommy and I are doing a trick.
The bitch who lives here wouldn't give us any candy.
You're not really gonna hassle us for pulling a prank on Halloween, are you? I might, seeing as the pranksters are both adults, this is my house, and I'm married to the bitch.
Oh.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Hey, hey, get back here! All right, Maw Maw, let's straighten out that caddywhompus throw of yours.
We're gonna be wiping our butts with takeout bags for the next week, so let's make this count! Oh.
Dude, I'm telling you for the last time, okay? I got this.
Oh, no.
Don't take me in here.
I hate haunted houses.
It's my house.
It's not haunted.
My dad says it was built on an Indian burial ground, but now I think he just said that so I'd hug him.
Come here.
Whoa.
That was amazing.
- Yeah? - Where'd you learn to kiss like that? You better not be cheating on me, Wyatt.
Dude, Javier got a booty call, and if you remember, I didn't want to do this in the first place.
It's cool, though.
I took Hope to the fire station.
You've got until 6:00 a.
m.
to go get her back.
What's going on? I'm gonna lose Hope.
What do you mean, you're gonna lose Hope? Where is she? She's at the fire station.
Those idiots dropped her off there and must've thought I would've been home sooner.
And I've got five minutes to get her back.
Where are my keys? You can't drive.
You've been drinking.
You're right.
You drive.
Jimmy, I've been egging houses with 12 year olds all night.
You think there's any possible way I'm sober? - Come on, hurry up! - I can't! I have a flat! Don't worry.
I'll get her.
Daddy's gonna make everything okay.
- You got her! - Yeah.
Showed 'em my ID, told them I was the grandpa.
I got there just in time.
Yeah, that's the stuff.
So, how was the party? - I kissed her.
- Get out of here! Yeah, only she was really drunk, and she thought she was kissing her boyfriend, but apparently, I'm a better kisser than him, so, that's good.
You're welcome.
You got that from your dad.
I'm an excellent tongue kisser.
Gross.
That's weird.
- What? - There's drool on the sheet, but it's still wet.
If she was at the fire station for the last six hours, how is it still wet? Maybe the roof is leaking.
It's not raining, and the ceiling is dry.
Maybe she spit up an ice cube? What did you do? Okay.
What's up? We're baby-watching the baby.
Get out of here.
I sang her to sleep with a medley of slow Beatles songs.
Marcus did the whistling part of Blackbird.
It was beautiful.
- So Jimmy's not home yet? - No.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
He's coming.
He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! No.
No, don't take me in here.
I hate haunted houses.
Hey, what's going on? Don't worry.
I'll get her.
Daddy's gonna make everything okay.
Yeah, that's the stuff.
- You're a monster! - I'm sorry, but when you turned 13, you barely hugged me anymore.
Then that damn high five came along.
I had to do whatever I could to feel your chest against mine.
Get out! Fine.
Be mad, but you can't take back that hug.
That was a great hug.
It's all right.
Hey, it's just thunder.
Okay, come on up.
Wow.
Somebody's holding on tight.
A hug is a powerful thing.
It makes you feel wanted, needed and loved, all at the same time, and when your kid hugs you, well, I can see how you get addicted.
Maybe my dad's not a monster.
I met a girl on Halloween Well, she was lost and I was drunk And it was dark and cold out when we left And as we walked, the rain started The leaves softened with every step And all around us people slept alone with their dreams English - US - SDH