Rake (2010) s01e05 Episode Script
R v Chandler
David Potter, man of the hour.
Hello, Joe.
I don't believe you've met my partner, Melissa.
No.
No, I haven't.
So full of shit! Why did you go to bed with me if you didn't want me? Cleaver, this is Fiona McCready, Fuzz's English teacher.
She's meant to be telling you about Jane Austen! It is age-inappropriate sex! BOY: It's bloody great sex.
Fuzz! I want you to stop seeing the wretched woman! Do you hear me? Who's John Bartrop? A puff of air in a mohair cardigan.
This man here is exactly what this party needs.
We need 20 of them and we need them bloody quickly.
I'd like to try and find a way to make this work.
I You're delusional.
Barn, what the hell? Ask Scarlet about John Bartrop.
Let's have nothing more to do with each other.
(Theme music) WOMAN: Thank you.
Have a nice day.
Hi.
Hello, Mr Chandler.
Hi, Alice.
How are you? Bec and Mrs Chandler have a nice time in Thredbo? Lovely time.
Thank you very much.
(People laugh) Has Bec started exams yet? Ah, next week.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, oh, shit.
Ohh! Just hit me! Come on, just hit me.
I'll give you a free shot.
Leave my property, please.
Barn, hit me, you fuckwit! Come on.
Come on, I deserve it.
Will you shut up? The kids are home.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Look, Barn, I know this isn't a usual cock-up, mate.
I know, I can't excuse it by saying that we were drunk or that I was simply trying to comfort your wife Save your bullshit for the courtroom.
It's not bullshit, mate.
I have too much respect for you.
Respect? How dare you talk about respect to me? You see, this is your problem.
You can talk about respect, talk about it brilliantly.
I'm sure you can quote Shakespeare or Einstein or Groucho on the subject.
What makes you a tragedy is that as well as you can talk about respect, you never fucking give it.
You're a selfish turd.
So for the hundredth time, piss off! Hi, mate.
Come in? Nah.
I beg your pardon? Mum doesn't want you here and I don't want you here.
Oh, what, you're forbidding entry? That's right.
Why am I in the shit here? I don't understand.
I thought you were having sex with a classmate.
You didn't tell me it was a teacher.
I let you use my flat.
Yeah, well, then you told her to go fuck off! (Car door closes) Wendy! What's going on? Fuzz, get inside now, please.
Oh, come on.
Forbidden access? Well, you went behind my back.
Wendy, I didn't know it was his teacher, I swear.
You think that's some kind of defence? Yes, I do, as a matter of fact! Funnily enough, not a bad one.
Well, don't you think you ought to have known? What? Jesus, Cleaver, you're a barrister! You cross-examine people for a living.
Yet a 15-year-old boy I asked him if it was a girl in his class, he said yes, it was.
Did you ask him what her name was? What difference could that have made? I don't know the names of anybody in his class.
No, you don't! Doesn't matter what her name is, or what she's like.
None of that matters 'cause your son is finally becoming a man, a chip off the old block.
I didn't know she was 28, alright? I thought she was 15.
Well, did you find out if he thought this 15-year-old girl was ready for intercourse? Did you make sure he wasn't pressuring her? Oh, come on, Wendy! It's Fuzz.
What It's Fuzz! I thought it was a couple of kids in love.
It's a story as old as mankind itself.
Why do you have to over-analyse absolutely everything? Cleaver, because I'm the responsible parent, OK? And it's not a role I relish particularly.
I'm sick to death of being the only grown-up in this family.
I'd love to share the load, I really would.
So if you can convince me that you can shoulder some of it, then come back then.
Oh, did you have a good day at the office, darling? Yes, I had a lovely day.
And how was your day? Good.
Would you like a cocktail of some description? That'd be marvellous! Ah, fuck me! Bronwyn.
Another beautiful soul has just taken her first breath.
Doctor, your briefcase has been handed in to the police.
Oh, my briefcase? Good.
Good.
Thank you, Bronwyn.
Er, they're here, actually.
The police.
They'd like to have a word.
What's going on? (They found the DVD.
) What do you mean, they found the DVD? (It was in my case.
) What? It was in my briefcase when it was stolen.
What was it doing in your briefcase, for God's sake? I I needed to know where it was.
We have a perfectly good safe at home! It's not safe.
Bec has the combination.
Oh.
(Sighs) Oh.
(Car door closes) Colin? Cleave.
How's it dangling? To the left, mate.
Good, good.
(Cheering) MAN: Come on, get off the ropes! Come on, get in there! Come on! Want a beer? The Pope shit in the woods? Manos, how are we? Cleave.
Long time no see.
Yeah.
(Cheering) (Sniffs) Ahh! (Punch impacts) (Distant dog barks) GIRL: Hey, it's only me! Let me do the talking.
OK.
(Girl cries) So are you going to be charged? Looks like it, yep.
Can I see it? What? The DVD.
What? No! No, you must promise us you'll never watch that DVD.
Well, they'll show it if there's a trial, won't they? If there's a trial, I don't want you to be there.
For your sake as much as ours.
Please, sweetheart.
It cannot do you any good.
I mean, you mustn't let this silliness distract you.
You've got exams coming up.
Distract me? Mum, you can't possibly think that this is just a distraction.
I'm so sorry, darling.
I Ironically, my first exam is crim.
(Sighs) Sweetheart! When in doubt, stick the left out! That's my boy! Come on, you joke! Oh, you're a joke! You're a fool to your family! Col, double it.
Come on, mate, he's getting smashed.
Double it.
I'm good.
I'm good for it.
Double it.
Alright, I'll have to ring Mick.
Ring him.
Fast.
Alright.
Yeah! Yeah, that's the way.
That's my boy! Come on! Come on! (Cheering) (Whistling and cheering) I don't understand, Cleave.
You said you had the cash.
Mick's gonna fuckin' flip out.
Come on, Col, let's get on with it.
Life's too short to wait for a beating.
Justice delayed is justice denied, and if justice is denied, the whole system crashes.
The walls come tumbling down, mate.
There's (Punch impacts) (Banging on door) Will this do? Piss off.
Come on, mate.
Come on, look at this.
He was a pro.
He did a much better job than you could ever do and it didn't cost you a cent.
Go home.
Come on mate, are we square? Look, I've taken my beating.
Come on! Barney, are we quits? Come on, mate, are we cool? Uh? (Sighs) Thank you for coming.
You're welcome.
Can I ask why you came? One good deed, you know? When did I ever do a good deed? Rumour has it there have been one or two before.
Harry-Sorry-David know you're here? No.
I slept with my best friend's wife.
I know.
How do you know? How do you think? (Buzzing) (Intercom buzzes) Yeah? Hi, it's me.
Who's me? Scarlet! Oh! Welcome.
Jesus, Cleave! What's going on? Barney's kicked me out.
He said he couldn't bear to look at me anymore, that I was the one who fucked up so I was the one who had to leave.
Had to leave my babies.
Listen, Red, I don't have any tea.
This could be some sort of a yeast extract.
Er, I've actually got to fly, get to work.
That's OK.
I've cleared my day so I'll just stay here if that's OK.
Sure.
We're down here, blossom.
Lincoln's running five minutes late.
Right.
Who's Lincoln? He's briefing you on the Chandler thing.
Don't tell me you walked into another cupboard door? Cupboard doors are the natural enemy of the swiswine.
(Sneezes) Cleave, you alright? (Sighs) Hay fever.
Is Lincoln this guy's first name, or his surname? Er, the correspondence is still unclear.
It could be both.
Let me just Hang on.
It's a DVD.
Maybe Yeah, I've hit DVD.
I've hit AV, I've hit DVD, I've hit Preset.
Good.
Don't hit it.
What Nicole! Oh, Jesus Christ on a bicycle.
You are fucking kidding me.
Oh ho! N Ohh! Ohh, my sweet sainted aunt! Have you got a copy of the record of interview? I was sure I had it with me.
I must have left it at the office.
Well, it's sort of important, don't you think? You might want to get your secretary to fax it through or email it or something.
Er, no, she's, um, she's not in today.
She found out her sister has alump.
Sorry, I don't mean to sound uncaring or anything, hold on a minute, yes, I do, have you at least read the record of interview, Lincoln? Mr Lincoln? Yes, yeah, I'veread it.
Yes? Yeah.
Well, he At first, what he initially .
.
he initially denies that it is he in the room.
Oh, it is he.
It is he.
I know he.
He delivered my son.
Ah! And about 12,000 of my godchildren.
Oh, well, perhaps that's why herequested you as counsel.
He then goes on to, um, tell the police that yes, he was in the room, but that the room was in Canada.
And therefore, he's committed no crime under New South Wales law.
Canada? What the hell is he talking about? I could see the Opera House out of your window, Bruce.
It's as clear as day.
There's a copy of the Sydney Morning Herald on your coffee table.
I panicked.
You didn't do yourself any favours.
Listen, Cleaver .
.
all Jan and I care about is Bec, you understand? Whatever happens to me, she'd be lost without Jan.
And Jan would be lost without her.
Jan hasn't been charged.
Yet.
And it has to stay that way.
Well, what exactly have you told Bec? Well, that I was with a prostitute and I'd been taking drugs.
Mate, look, I'm not usually not one to be defeatist, but it's only a matter of time before everyone knows it was Jan.
You've seen the DVD.
We were masked! Bruce, it's your house, and your mask falls off your face for eight and a half exceptionally visible seconds.
I know that, but Jan's The other woman's mask didn't come off.
Let'slet's forget about the mask for a minute, OK? Forget about the mask.
Youand the other woman were having a three-way with the family dog, alright? Masks are the least of my problem at the moment.
Bruce? Drinks.
The prosecution's going to want to see receipts, Bruce.
They will want thethe hooker.
(Sneezes) I paid cash.
I don't know her name.
I picked her up off the street.
You just happened to pick up a hooker off the street who was happy to take it from a Rottweiler? Mate, it doesn't work that way.
Believe me, that is a job for a specialist.
I picked her up off the street, we took a combination of drugs Bruce .
.
and things got out of hand.
Bruce! It wasn't Jan! Then why is she standing by her man? Uh? Why? Why wasn't she on the first Greyhound out of town when this thing came to light? Please, Cleaver.
The woman I was with was a prostitute.
It wasn't Jan.
(Sneezes) Bless you.
You alright? Am I alright? And finally, I want to assure you that if I am selected as Labor Party candidate for this seat, it will be my honour to fight for you.
And as some of you may be aware, I'm not one to back away from a fight.
Thank you.
(Applause) Good.
So Sussex Street wants to parachute in another celebrity candidate.
Someone who's their own man, someone whose vote they can control.
Mr Potter has spent his working life as a tax lawyer.
I've spent my working life as an electrician.
Mr Potter spends his time helping the big end of town evade their responsibilities.
I've had 15 years' experience on the Leichhardt Council, serving the community.
If anyone can fend off the Greens at the next poll, it's a local who knows the issues, not some Macquarie Street blow-in backed by the machine.
We might have to go a bit retail on this one, mate.
The electrician will trump the tax lawyer every time.
I thought it was going to be uncontested.
Well, what can we say? The Labor Party's a democracy.
Well, at least it has to be seen to be one until an actual decision needs to be made.
So what, Jack Fulton's a threat, not a threat? Oh, look, I don't think we need to worry about him.
He's just a hardworking local who's worked his own way up through the ranks.
Hasn't got a chance.
Still.
Still? Well, Jackie's a tough customer.
of the Electrical Trades Union.
I mean, you're not even a union member, are you, Dave? Plus he's been selling raffle tickets at every branch meeting since Gough Whitlam was a boy.
Do you know what they say in the Boy Scouts, Davo? Be prepared.
Hi.
Hey.
I got us some chicken from De Luca.
Was it a little wrinkled? (Chuckles) On my return, I went to turn on your oven, which of course, was a fool's errand because on opening it, I did discover it is in fact a library.
Well, that may well be the case, Red, but I won't have a word said against this iron.
This iron has heated up many a fine casserole for me over the years.
How do you live like this? By setting it on cottons.
Won't be a sec.
You want some wine? Please.
Didn't you move in here after Wendy kicked you out? Er, yeah.
Cleave, that was 11 years ago.
(Sniffs) Really? I thought this was just a temporary thing until you found your own place.
It is! Well, here's to long nights on slow trains.
Cheers.
Speaking of moving in, is that what this is, Red? Um .
.
because you know, I've been thinking, there's your sister.
Yeah, well, Alex's parents are in town.
Oh, right.
What about a hotel? Or a motel? Or a YWCA or a bus shelter or a park bench? Anywhere but here.
Come on, Red, what if Barney finds out? He dropped me here.
Red.
Red! Red! Don't! This had to happen for a reason, you and I, that night.
It had to be for a reason.
It did happen for a reason - because we were drunk, and miserable, and lonely.
I won't have that.
I won't lose my house and my family just for one miserable drunken fuck! It's too easy.
It's way too easy.
Where the fuck is my bag? (Cries) You know what? Even after Barney and I were married, you still .
.
you still kept flirting with me, you still used to give me that look.
What look? You know the look! Well, what are you talking about, Red? I only have one look with women.
That's your problem! Red, come on.
Come on, Red, Red, it's OK.
Red, it's OK.
Come on, it's OK.
Come on.
Drop 'em.
(Cries) You don't have to leave.
(Bag drops on floor) You don't have to leave.
So I'm guessing 'Be prepared' means we'd better start to think about finding some dirt on Jack Fulton.
No, in the ALP, 'Be prepared' means, we already have some dirt on Jack Fulton.
What? into your political career and you're already going Karl Rove on me.
I thought you were meant to be one of those rare honest ones.
Oh, come on! Since when does 'Be prepared' mean 'Be dishonest'? You know what Joe and Gav are like.
Yeah, Joe and Gav live in the real world.
They've been doing this for years.
That is such bullshit.
This is your campaign, David! Your name, your responsibility.
Hold on.
Do you honestly believe that Jack isn't out there right now trying to dig up dirt on me? It's the way of the world.
And you want to be a part of this world? Look, I've been given an opportunity, alright? It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Now, Joe's got it all figured out.
A couple of terms in Macquarie Street and then Canberra.
Who knows what then, OK? I can do this.
Joe thinks I can do it, with him backing me.
The higher you get, the deeper they'll dig.
Well, that's the price you pay.
I'm not prepared to pay it.
I didn't mean you.
But it will mean me, won't it? (Laughs) Well, who cares? I mean, Jesus, what have you got to hide? That's not the point! What is the point? I'm a very private person.
You said you were OK with me going into politics.
Yeah, well, I'm beginning to have second thoughts.
Well, it's a bit bloody late! (Mobile beeps) Can I come up? You know, those lines in the sand you keep drawing, well, this is I've left David.
Really? I think so, yeah.
Right.
You got nowhere else to go? I've got plenty of places to go.
I just wanted to see you.
Oh.
You've got company? Yeah.
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.
Shit! Sorry.
Silly idea.
Sorry.
Missy! Come back, come back.
It's alright.
She's just a mate.
Come on.
We'll just have to be quiet.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Er, you two have met, I seem to recall.
(Chuckles) Hi.
What do you mean, David's too good for you? Just that.
Yes, just that, Red, alright? It's a thing.
I've read about this.
It's documented.
It's a kind of goodness imbalance that happens in a lot of relationships, and more often than not, it's fatal.
Oh, what rot! Listen to me, David's an exceptionally good guy.
How can that be a negative? Oh, it's getting late.
I'm talking to Melissa.
What, are you unfulfilled? I mean No, no, the sex was great.
Red, you're looking really tired.
It's been a big day for all of us.
So to summarise .
.
David is a good guy.
He's great-looking, he's smart, terrific in bed.
(Laughs) Are you out of your mind? What? What is it? I used to be a prostitute, Scarlet.
Oh.
Melissa? As in, this is Missy? (Chuckles) Small world, uh? What the hell, Jan? What is he doing in here? Sit! Oh, he was so lonely outside.
We talked about this.
We agreed.
We promised we wouldn't.
He was crying.
He doesn't understand.
Oh, come on, darling.
Don't be silly now.
Silly? This isn't silliness, Jan.
This is our life! Everything we have has been built on my good name, which has been more than a little sullied by having been caught buggering the family hound! Darling, you can't go on like this.
Like what? What's happening to us is real.
It's not a minor setback.
It's not silly.
You can't keep believing that everything will be the same! (Whines) Bruce? (Gasps for air) Darling? How did we get to this place? I was a Rhodes scholar.
I've brought thousands of children into the world.
(Sobs) I believe I've been a good and loving father, and yet for the rest of my life, I will be known for one thing and one thing only No, I won't have that.
You are still a marvel of a man.
Whatever they say, you are still the kindest, the most decent, and loving man.
I think I'm going to tell Cleaver to change my plea to guilty.
What? A trial will only make things worse for you and Bec.
It will.
Don't be ridiculous! You've done nothing wrong.
We're going to fight this thing and you'll be acquitted.
Now come back to bed.
You're being silly.
Come on.
Even if I am acquitted, you .
.
you have to realise that our lives as we know them .
.
are over, my love.
It's over.
Ohh! (Gasps) Fuck! (Intercom buzzes) What the f Yeah? WOMAN: It's me.
Is Fuzz there? He hasn't texted or anything? No.
Thought I was persona non grata.
He's with her.
He has to be.
Well, then we know he's safe.
Not with that woman, he isn't.
Well, why don't you go around to her place and find out? I did.
She must have moved.
OK.
Here, have a drop of this.
You look like a nervous wreck.
Oh, I haven't slept for 36 hours.
Jesus! Sheshe's a succubus.
I thought she was born in July.
Don't you dare be glib about this.
I'm not being glib.
You know, we tried being heavy and that didn't work.
He's still a boy.
We're gonna have to change tack at some stage.
He's going to be 16.
I don't care what the law says, Cleaver, he's our son! At some point, he's going to need to see some moral leadership.
Yeah.
Who is in your bed with Scarlet? Oh, who is Oh, yeah, that would be my friend Missy.
I may have mentioned her a couple of times.
Hello, mate, this is your sometime father here.
Um, your mother and I are a little worried about you.
We assume you're with Fiona.
Could you at least confirm that's the case? We don't want to cause a fuss.
I may deserve to suffer, mate, but your mum doesn't, OK? See ya.
(Mobile beeps) Yeah.
So what's the story with these two? Oh, well, the presidential suite at the Intercontinental was taken by Lady Gaga, so (Laughs) We just had to make do.
(Laughs) I'm not I'm not doing the deed.
I know.
I can tell.
That's what's so funny.
Good.
(Mobile beeps) Ah, yes, yes, he's fine.
He's with her.
He's going to see you in the morning.
(Laughs) Would you like a bit more? I shouldn't.
(Laughs) (Lullaby plays) (Sighs) MISSY: He said he couldn't go because you were sick.
(Wendy laughs) That's utter crap! Are you kidding? I was desperate to go.
I'd have wheeled myself to Melbourne to meet Michael Hutchence.
Cleaver didn't want to go.
He cannot stand the idea of being in a room and not being the guy with the highest testosterone level.
Once, Barney and I took him to see the Dalai Lama.
We got invited backstage, and Cleaver just stood in the corner.
He couldn't even go near the Dalai Lama! (Women laugh) Oh, and here he is.
Morning.
Morning, chief.
Morning.
I was thinking Witches of Eastwick for a minute, but then I realised it was a bit more Macbeth.
CHILDREN: Hi, Cleave! Beasts! How are we all, huh? Barney's got an abscess on one of his teeth, so he had to drop them over.
So I see.
Ooh! Oh, yes.
Good.
Well, the more the merrier, I say.
Gotta pee, Cleave.
What's that under your nose? Well, I was trying to brush my teeth, and I missed my mouth and hit my nose, and it's all your fault! It's your fault! It's your fault, you little pest! Oh, Alice, where's the rosemary hiding, sweetheart? Um, I'll just (Distant sports commentary) TV: Branch warfare has broken out today in the ALP You're counting really good, Max.
Really good.
Hello! Hey.
TV: .
.
an affair with Greens MP Lenore Harris.
Mr Fulton and Ms Harris have both been referred to ICAC for misusing council resources while conducting One day? You couldn't even wait one lousy day! Where are you? I mean, the poor bastard didn't even have a chance! I have been worried blind.
Come home, please.
Hold on a minute.
In 2007, Lenore Harris and I had an affair lasting several months.
Why are the children still here? Barney's still not very well, apparently.
(Children count) I need some time to think.
(Phone line goes dead) TV: I betrayed my wife and family in the worst possible way.
Go, go, go, go! Pff! (Mobile rings) Boy Wonder? Huh! What's the deal? I don't I don't know, Cleave.
I don't see how it can work.
Oh, that poor man! Who? Jack Fulton.
I mean, he just made one mistake and, courtesy of the party machine, his past came back to haunt him.
Please don't mistake this for me being compassionate or anything, but you really need to either tell David the truth, or end it.
I know.
Because if you think you can keep a secret in this town, you're out of your mind.
But look, if you need a distraction, I could use a hand at the moment.
I've got this doggy case on.
Solicitor is a complete mutt, and I need a good retriever I can rely on.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Oh, my Oh, God.
I thought you'd seen everything and done everything.
Oh, make it stop! It's amazing, you know.
When I first saw it, I was reaching for a bucket, too, but after about 50 times, it's a bit like watching Itchy & Scratchy.
Who are these people? That's Dr Bruce Chandler.
Actually, do you know a girl called Bec Chandler? She'd be about a year ahead of you at law school.
So? That's her dad.
Ahh! Thanks.
It'll only be for a few nights.
Yep, I'll just get the kids settled.
(Distant children play) (Glasses clink) (Mobile beeps) Jules is going away, so I can have her place while I work things out.
Ahh.
Don't you want to stay here? I don't know what I want at the moment, Cleave.
(Distant siren wails) Hey, Bec! Come on, give us a smile, will ya? That's it.
Give us a smile.
Come on, Bec, come on! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Bark for me, baby! Bark for me, baby.
That's it.
Come on! Hey, do you mind? Oh, I'm so sorry.
Ow! Thanks.
It was my pleasure, believe me.
Do you know why he was taking those pictures? Because of your father? You know, it's not that unusual, Bec.
What isn't? There are lots of good people into weird shit.
What? Everyone's into something, Bec.
Tits, undies, hair, shoes, back, front, black, white, pure, dirty, leather, rubber, S, M, B, D.
Trust me, they've run out of letters.
What are you saying? I'm saying that sex can be totally separate to the rest of someone's personality, particularly men.
You can be a good employee, a wonderful parent.
You can devote your life to those less fortunate.
You can be any and all of these things, Bec, and still have a dirty little secret which, for all practical purposes, has no bearing on the rest of your life.
So long as that dirty little secret is adult and consensual and nobody gets hurt more than they really want to be.
By the way, I'm working for your father.
I'll just be another ten, darling.
Dad.
Oh, sweetheart.
Can you explain it to me? What possible explanation could I give that would be satisfactory to you, really? OK.
Why was Mum so quick to forgive you? Well, she's She's a very forgiving person.
Are you protecting her? Don't be absurd.
Of course not.
How could you possibly believe that Mum would be I don't know what to believe anymore, Dad.
Darling (Toy squeaks) (Sniffs) Aghhhh! So Dr D'Antonio, we've heard a lot from the prosecution about the dog Felix's lack of ability to consent to the acts that were recorded in Exhibit A1.
As a professor of animal behavioural psychology, what would you say are the traditional signs that a male Rottweiler is up for sex? Um, well, the classical signs are an erection, obviously, panting, salivating, wagging tail.
I see.
But as I wrote in Nature, June 2006, despite the fact that consent is not an issue that crosses a dog's mind, it should not be taken for granted that we humans, therefore, are free to do as we please.
There is a moral dimension.
A moral dimension? Certainly.
We abhor paedophiles.
In those cases, consent is not an issue, either.
Consent for human beings is not an issue up to the age of 16 because the law says the consent must be informed.
Jesus.
Did she really write that? Oh, no.
(Mumbles) Oh, she's going to compare him to a paedophile.
Almost certainly, and she's made the comparison in at least six articles I could find.
Magic fucking word - if you want a conviction, throw the word 'paedophile' in front of a jury in any context.
God! Has she got any religious affiliations or anything? She goes to church.
Right, but no sort of nut-bag thing we can throw at the old bitch? Old bitch? She's 35, and this is the photo from the dust jacket of her latest book.
Ooh, hello.
I don't want to cross-examine her, I want her phone number.
(Laughs) If I were the prosecution, I would just hand out sick bags to the jury, and make 'em watch that DVD.
Get 'em worked up, get 'em scared, you know? As soon as they put on that bloody DVD Maybe we shouldn't be afraid of the DVD.
I mean, like you said, after you see it 50 times, you become immune.
So what, just play it and play it and play it? Maybe.
Oh.
I may have come up with a way to minimise the times the jury has to look at that DVD.
Oh, yeah.
But if we turn to frame 379 Mr Greene, really.
The jury's already watched this footage 13 times.
With great respect, Your Honour, they've not seen it in slow motion, nor frame by frame.
Frame by frame? Your Honour, this DVD is the prosecution's case.
It would be, in my respectful submission, most prejudicial to my client's defence if the jury did not become intimately acquainted with the act of which he's being accused.
Very well.
As you can see, there's an unknown prostitute sitting naked but for her face mask, then Felix enters frame, salivating, ah, his tail bobbing about, his eagerness to participate evidenced by a very impressive erection.
Oh, and look, he's happily wearing protective socks presumably so as to not scratch the unknown prostitute with whom he's Yeah, and there he goes.
Frame 32,875 - as you can see, Felix's tail is still bobbing around.
Frame 32,876 - oh, the lighting here is very good.
And again, if we turn to frame 86,426, er, as you can see, Felix's tail is still wagging about, he's still enjoying the loving embraces of his master and an unknown prostitute.
Your Honour, these constant references to an unknown prostitute.
Yes, I'm with you, Ms Arbib.
Can I see counsel in chambers, please? We'll take 15 minutes.
MAN: All rise.
What's going on, Cleave? We all know it's Mrs Chandler.
My instructions are that on 27th December, Mrs Chandler was watching the cricket with her mother in Rose Bay.
Ken, it's an insult to the court.
Well, Nadia, if you've got the evidence against her, why haven't you charged her? Do I have to do your job for you as well? When he gets in the box, I'll ask him about her, and if he's lying, Cleave, I'll have him for perjury as well.
OK.
My instructions are that doctor and Mrs Chandler love their daughter Rebecca very much and wish her a long and happy life.
Come on, guys.
Give the kid a break.
So Dr D'Antonio, do you equate the act my client is accused of with the act of paedophilia? Yes, I would, as a matter of fact.
In a moral sense? Yes.
So children and dogs, they're pretty much the same to you? Objection.
Mr Greene.
Your Honour.
Er, Doctor, do you believe the life of an animal equates to the life of a human being? We are all animals, Mr Greene.
Well, I know I'm all animal, Dr D'Antonio.
Doctor, do you value the life of a dog or a sheep or a guinea pig as much as you value human life? I believe we've erred in creating classes of people, classes of animals.
It's affected our values.
It's affected the way we run the planet.
Please answer the question, Doctor.
Yes.
I don't see why a dog's life should be less valuable than a human's life.
I see.
Ahem.
Doctor, I'd put it to you that your views on animal welfare are extreme and uncharacteristic of current thinking on the subject.
I reject that.
So you think that a dog should be able to vote and drive a car? You're being ridiculous, Mr Greene.
I don't think a dog should be forced to have sex against his or her will.
Let's have another look at the DVD then, shall we? I'd encourage you, Doctor, to show me the exact moment, or moments, where you feel that Felix is being forced, or coerced, or even encouraged.
Here we go.
Bec? Bec, what are you doing? My father's on trial in there.
You don't want to go in there.
Is it my mother? Is she the other woman? No.
Swear? Was it my mother in that room? You should know I'm an atheist, so swearing isn't Was it my mother? Please? No, it's a prostitute.
How can you be so sure? Her name's Wendy Brenner.
She works in a brothel called Club Jules.
Animals are her specialty.
I have her number if you want it.
How do you know all this? It's my job.
So where did you pick up this prostitute, Dr Chandler? Well, I I rang a brothel, and I asked if there were any girls that specialised in .
.
that sort of thing.
I see.
And how much did you pay for thisspecialisation? $3,000.
No further questions.
Australians, as a nation, have always rooted for the underdog.
(Laughter) Ladies and gentlemen, the truth is, my client didn't hurt anyone or anything.
Under New South Wales law, the maximum sentence I can get for poisoning a water supply is five years.
But having sex with Felix, the Rottweiler with the waggly tail, allows for a sentence of 14 years.
Now, Peter Singer, considered the founding father of the animal rights movement, has himself stated that having sex with animals does not necessarily involve cruelty.
The prosecution keep banging on about consent.
But do horses consent to being ridden around a track having their backsides whipped? Do rabbits consent to being tested for something Posh Spice dabs on her pulse points? own at least one dog.
(Sniffs) And this year, they're going to cook roughly sliced from some 35 million harmless, sweet, vegetarian cows.
It's a devastating hypocrisy.
Ladies and gentlemen, how many of you here own a dog but love a T-bone? (Quiet laughter) Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict? Yes, Your Honour.
What say you? We the jury find the defendant not guilty.
Thank you.
Anything else? WOMAN: No, Your Honour.
See, this scares me because I thought he was completely screwed.
How do you feel? Pretty pumped.
(Mobile rings) Hello? Ah, Joe Sandilands.
Can you talk? Yeah.
Good, good.
Look, um, just got off the phone from David.
He sounds pretty low, Miss.
So? Look, I don't think you realise how hard this is for him.
He didn't want to go Karl Rove on Jack, but we gave him no other choice.
Bravo! Come on, Miss, you know he's crazy about you.
Look, the system is morally bankrupt.
That is why we need people like David.
Without them, how are things ever going to change? Isn't that why you got into politics, Joe, to change things? I forget.
Right, got it.
We're off.
Where do you want to go? You know what, I'm beat.
No.
Really? Yeah.
Another time? (Sighs) ELECTRONIC TOY: It's a dog.
(Breathes out) Oh, I love you so much.
I'm so sorry.
(Cries) It's not your fault.
Oh, it is.
It's not your fault.
(Cries) (Scratching on door) (Dog whimpers)
Hello, Joe.
I don't believe you've met my partner, Melissa.
No.
No, I haven't.
So full of shit! Why did you go to bed with me if you didn't want me? Cleaver, this is Fiona McCready, Fuzz's English teacher.
She's meant to be telling you about Jane Austen! It is age-inappropriate sex! BOY: It's bloody great sex.
Fuzz! I want you to stop seeing the wretched woman! Do you hear me? Who's John Bartrop? A puff of air in a mohair cardigan.
This man here is exactly what this party needs.
We need 20 of them and we need them bloody quickly.
I'd like to try and find a way to make this work.
I You're delusional.
Barn, what the hell? Ask Scarlet about John Bartrop.
Let's have nothing more to do with each other.
(Theme music) WOMAN: Thank you.
Have a nice day.
Hi.
Hello, Mr Chandler.
Hi, Alice.
How are you? Bec and Mrs Chandler have a nice time in Thredbo? Lovely time.
Thank you very much.
(People laugh) Has Bec started exams yet? Ah, next week.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, oh, shit.
Ohh! Just hit me! Come on, just hit me.
I'll give you a free shot.
Leave my property, please.
Barn, hit me, you fuckwit! Come on.
Come on, I deserve it.
Will you shut up? The kids are home.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Look, Barn, I know this isn't a usual cock-up, mate.
I know, I can't excuse it by saying that we were drunk or that I was simply trying to comfort your wife Save your bullshit for the courtroom.
It's not bullshit, mate.
I have too much respect for you.
Respect? How dare you talk about respect to me? You see, this is your problem.
You can talk about respect, talk about it brilliantly.
I'm sure you can quote Shakespeare or Einstein or Groucho on the subject.
What makes you a tragedy is that as well as you can talk about respect, you never fucking give it.
You're a selfish turd.
So for the hundredth time, piss off! Hi, mate.
Come in? Nah.
I beg your pardon? Mum doesn't want you here and I don't want you here.
Oh, what, you're forbidding entry? That's right.
Why am I in the shit here? I don't understand.
I thought you were having sex with a classmate.
You didn't tell me it was a teacher.
I let you use my flat.
Yeah, well, then you told her to go fuck off! (Car door closes) Wendy! What's going on? Fuzz, get inside now, please.
Oh, come on.
Forbidden access? Well, you went behind my back.
Wendy, I didn't know it was his teacher, I swear.
You think that's some kind of defence? Yes, I do, as a matter of fact! Funnily enough, not a bad one.
Well, don't you think you ought to have known? What? Jesus, Cleaver, you're a barrister! You cross-examine people for a living.
Yet a 15-year-old boy I asked him if it was a girl in his class, he said yes, it was.
Did you ask him what her name was? What difference could that have made? I don't know the names of anybody in his class.
No, you don't! Doesn't matter what her name is, or what she's like.
None of that matters 'cause your son is finally becoming a man, a chip off the old block.
I didn't know she was 28, alright? I thought she was 15.
Well, did you find out if he thought this 15-year-old girl was ready for intercourse? Did you make sure he wasn't pressuring her? Oh, come on, Wendy! It's Fuzz.
What It's Fuzz! I thought it was a couple of kids in love.
It's a story as old as mankind itself.
Why do you have to over-analyse absolutely everything? Cleaver, because I'm the responsible parent, OK? And it's not a role I relish particularly.
I'm sick to death of being the only grown-up in this family.
I'd love to share the load, I really would.
So if you can convince me that you can shoulder some of it, then come back then.
Oh, did you have a good day at the office, darling? Yes, I had a lovely day.
And how was your day? Good.
Would you like a cocktail of some description? That'd be marvellous! Ah, fuck me! Bronwyn.
Another beautiful soul has just taken her first breath.
Doctor, your briefcase has been handed in to the police.
Oh, my briefcase? Good.
Good.
Thank you, Bronwyn.
Er, they're here, actually.
The police.
They'd like to have a word.
What's going on? (They found the DVD.
) What do you mean, they found the DVD? (It was in my case.
) What? It was in my briefcase when it was stolen.
What was it doing in your briefcase, for God's sake? I I needed to know where it was.
We have a perfectly good safe at home! It's not safe.
Bec has the combination.
Oh.
(Sighs) Oh.
(Car door closes) Colin? Cleave.
How's it dangling? To the left, mate.
Good, good.
(Cheering) MAN: Come on, get off the ropes! Come on, get in there! Come on! Want a beer? The Pope shit in the woods? Manos, how are we? Cleave.
Long time no see.
Yeah.
(Cheering) (Sniffs) Ahh! (Punch impacts) (Distant dog barks) GIRL: Hey, it's only me! Let me do the talking.
OK.
(Girl cries) So are you going to be charged? Looks like it, yep.
Can I see it? What? The DVD.
What? No! No, you must promise us you'll never watch that DVD.
Well, they'll show it if there's a trial, won't they? If there's a trial, I don't want you to be there.
For your sake as much as ours.
Please, sweetheart.
It cannot do you any good.
I mean, you mustn't let this silliness distract you.
You've got exams coming up.
Distract me? Mum, you can't possibly think that this is just a distraction.
I'm so sorry, darling.
I Ironically, my first exam is crim.
(Sighs) Sweetheart! When in doubt, stick the left out! That's my boy! Come on, you joke! Oh, you're a joke! You're a fool to your family! Col, double it.
Come on, mate, he's getting smashed.
Double it.
I'm good.
I'm good for it.
Double it.
Alright, I'll have to ring Mick.
Ring him.
Fast.
Alright.
Yeah! Yeah, that's the way.
That's my boy! Come on! Come on! (Cheering) (Whistling and cheering) I don't understand, Cleave.
You said you had the cash.
Mick's gonna fuckin' flip out.
Come on, Col, let's get on with it.
Life's too short to wait for a beating.
Justice delayed is justice denied, and if justice is denied, the whole system crashes.
The walls come tumbling down, mate.
There's (Punch impacts) (Banging on door) Will this do? Piss off.
Come on, mate.
Come on, look at this.
He was a pro.
He did a much better job than you could ever do and it didn't cost you a cent.
Go home.
Come on mate, are we square? Look, I've taken my beating.
Come on! Barney, are we quits? Come on, mate, are we cool? Uh? (Sighs) Thank you for coming.
You're welcome.
Can I ask why you came? One good deed, you know? When did I ever do a good deed? Rumour has it there have been one or two before.
Harry-Sorry-David know you're here? No.
I slept with my best friend's wife.
I know.
How do you know? How do you think? (Buzzing) (Intercom buzzes) Yeah? Hi, it's me.
Who's me? Scarlet! Oh! Welcome.
Jesus, Cleave! What's going on? Barney's kicked me out.
He said he couldn't bear to look at me anymore, that I was the one who fucked up so I was the one who had to leave.
Had to leave my babies.
Listen, Red, I don't have any tea.
This could be some sort of a yeast extract.
Er, I've actually got to fly, get to work.
That's OK.
I've cleared my day so I'll just stay here if that's OK.
Sure.
We're down here, blossom.
Lincoln's running five minutes late.
Right.
Who's Lincoln? He's briefing you on the Chandler thing.
Don't tell me you walked into another cupboard door? Cupboard doors are the natural enemy of the swiswine.
(Sneezes) Cleave, you alright? (Sighs) Hay fever.
Is Lincoln this guy's first name, or his surname? Er, the correspondence is still unclear.
It could be both.
Let me just Hang on.
It's a DVD.
Maybe Yeah, I've hit DVD.
I've hit AV, I've hit DVD, I've hit Preset.
Good.
Don't hit it.
What Nicole! Oh, Jesus Christ on a bicycle.
You are fucking kidding me.
Oh ho! N Ohh! Ohh, my sweet sainted aunt! Have you got a copy of the record of interview? I was sure I had it with me.
I must have left it at the office.
Well, it's sort of important, don't you think? You might want to get your secretary to fax it through or email it or something.
Er, no, she's, um, she's not in today.
She found out her sister has alump.
Sorry, I don't mean to sound uncaring or anything, hold on a minute, yes, I do, have you at least read the record of interview, Lincoln? Mr Lincoln? Yes, yeah, I'veread it.
Yes? Yeah.
Well, he At first, what he initially .
.
he initially denies that it is he in the room.
Oh, it is he.
It is he.
I know he.
He delivered my son.
Ah! And about 12,000 of my godchildren.
Oh, well, perhaps that's why herequested you as counsel.
He then goes on to, um, tell the police that yes, he was in the room, but that the room was in Canada.
And therefore, he's committed no crime under New South Wales law.
Canada? What the hell is he talking about? I could see the Opera House out of your window, Bruce.
It's as clear as day.
There's a copy of the Sydney Morning Herald on your coffee table.
I panicked.
You didn't do yourself any favours.
Listen, Cleaver .
.
all Jan and I care about is Bec, you understand? Whatever happens to me, she'd be lost without Jan.
And Jan would be lost without her.
Jan hasn't been charged.
Yet.
And it has to stay that way.
Well, what exactly have you told Bec? Well, that I was with a prostitute and I'd been taking drugs.
Mate, look, I'm not usually not one to be defeatist, but it's only a matter of time before everyone knows it was Jan.
You've seen the DVD.
We were masked! Bruce, it's your house, and your mask falls off your face for eight and a half exceptionally visible seconds.
I know that, but Jan's The other woman's mask didn't come off.
Let'slet's forget about the mask for a minute, OK? Forget about the mask.
Youand the other woman were having a three-way with the family dog, alright? Masks are the least of my problem at the moment.
Bruce? Drinks.
The prosecution's going to want to see receipts, Bruce.
They will want thethe hooker.
(Sneezes) I paid cash.
I don't know her name.
I picked her up off the street.
You just happened to pick up a hooker off the street who was happy to take it from a Rottweiler? Mate, it doesn't work that way.
Believe me, that is a job for a specialist.
I picked her up off the street, we took a combination of drugs Bruce .
.
and things got out of hand.
Bruce! It wasn't Jan! Then why is she standing by her man? Uh? Why? Why wasn't she on the first Greyhound out of town when this thing came to light? Please, Cleaver.
The woman I was with was a prostitute.
It wasn't Jan.
(Sneezes) Bless you.
You alright? Am I alright? And finally, I want to assure you that if I am selected as Labor Party candidate for this seat, it will be my honour to fight for you.
And as some of you may be aware, I'm not one to back away from a fight.
Thank you.
(Applause) Good.
So Sussex Street wants to parachute in another celebrity candidate.
Someone who's their own man, someone whose vote they can control.
Mr Potter has spent his working life as a tax lawyer.
I've spent my working life as an electrician.
Mr Potter spends his time helping the big end of town evade their responsibilities.
I've had 15 years' experience on the Leichhardt Council, serving the community.
If anyone can fend off the Greens at the next poll, it's a local who knows the issues, not some Macquarie Street blow-in backed by the machine.
We might have to go a bit retail on this one, mate.
The electrician will trump the tax lawyer every time.
I thought it was going to be uncontested.
Well, what can we say? The Labor Party's a democracy.
Well, at least it has to be seen to be one until an actual decision needs to be made.
So what, Jack Fulton's a threat, not a threat? Oh, look, I don't think we need to worry about him.
He's just a hardworking local who's worked his own way up through the ranks.
Hasn't got a chance.
Still.
Still? Well, Jackie's a tough customer.
of the Electrical Trades Union.
I mean, you're not even a union member, are you, Dave? Plus he's been selling raffle tickets at every branch meeting since Gough Whitlam was a boy.
Do you know what they say in the Boy Scouts, Davo? Be prepared.
Hi.
Hey.
I got us some chicken from De Luca.
Was it a little wrinkled? (Chuckles) On my return, I went to turn on your oven, which of course, was a fool's errand because on opening it, I did discover it is in fact a library.
Well, that may well be the case, Red, but I won't have a word said against this iron.
This iron has heated up many a fine casserole for me over the years.
How do you live like this? By setting it on cottons.
Won't be a sec.
You want some wine? Please.
Didn't you move in here after Wendy kicked you out? Er, yeah.
Cleave, that was 11 years ago.
(Sniffs) Really? I thought this was just a temporary thing until you found your own place.
It is! Well, here's to long nights on slow trains.
Cheers.
Speaking of moving in, is that what this is, Red? Um .
.
because you know, I've been thinking, there's your sister.
Yeah, well, Alex's parents are in town.
Oh, right.
What about a hotel? Or a motel? Or a YWCA or a bus shelter or a park bench? Anywhere but here.
Come on, Red, what if Barney finds out? He dropped me here.
Red.
Red! Red! Don't! This had to happen for a reason, you and I, that night.
It had to be for a reason.
It did happen for a reason - because we were drunk, and miserable, and lonely.
I won't have that.
I won't lose my house and my family just for one miserable drunken fuck! It's too easy.
It's way too easy.
Where the fuck is my bag? (Cries) You know what? Even after Barney and I were married, you still .
.
you still kept flirting with me, you still used to give me that look.
What look? You know the look! Well, what are you talking about, Red? I only have one look with women.
That's your problem! Red, come on.
Come on, Red, Red, it's OK.
Red, it's OK.
Come on, it's OK.
Come on.
Drop 'em.
(Cries) You don't have to leave.
(Bag drops on floor) You don't have to leave.
So I'm guessing 'Be prepared' means we'd better start to think about finding some dirt on Jack Fulton.
No, in the ALP, 'Be prepared' means, we already have some dirt on Jack Fulton.
What? into your political career and you're already going Karl Rove on me.
I thought you were meant to be one of those rare honest ones.
Oh, come on! Since when does 'Be prepared' mean 'Be dishonest'? You know what Joe and Gav are like.
Yeah, Joe and Gav live in the real world.
They've been doing this for years.
That is such bullshit.
This is your campaign, David! Your name, your responsibility.
Hold on.
Do you honestly believe that Jack isn't out there right now trying to dig up dirt on me? It's the way of the world.
And you want to be a part of this world? Look, I've been given an opportunity, alright? It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Now, Joe's got it all figured out.
A couple of terms in Macquarie Street and then Canberra.
Who knows what then, OK? I can do this.
Joe thinks I can do it, with him backing me.
The higher you get, the deeper they'll dig.
Well, that's the price you pay.
I'm not prepared to pay it.
I didn't mean you.
But it will mean me, won't it? (Laughs) Well, who cares? I mean, Jesus, what have you got to hide? That's not the point! What is the point? I'm a very private person.
You said you were OK with me going into politics.
Yeah, well, I'm beginning to have second thoughts.
Well, it's a bit bloody late! (Mobile beeps) Can I come up? You know, those lines in the sand you keep drawing, well, this is I've left David.
Really? I think so, yeah.
Right.
You got nowhere else to go? I've got plenty of places to go.
I just wanted to see you.
Oh.
You've got company? Yeah.
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.
Shit! Sorry.
Silly idea.
Sorry.
Missy! Come back, come back.
It's alright.
She's just a mate.
Come on.
We'll just have to be quiet.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Er, you two have met, I seem to recall.
(Chuckles) Hi.
What do you mean, David's too good for you? Just that.
Yes, just that, Red, alright? It's a thing.
I've read about this.
It's documented.
It's a kind of goodness imbalance that happens in a lot of relationships, and more often than not, it's fatal.
Oh, what rot! Listen to me, David's an exceptionally good guy.
How can that be a negative? Oh, it's getting late.
I'm talking to Melissa.
What, are you unfulfilled? I mean No, no, the sex was great.
Red, you're looking really tired.
It's been a big day for all of us.
So to summarise .
.
David is a good guy.
He's great-looking, he's smart, terrific in bed.
(Laughs) Are you out of your mind? What? What is it? I used to be a prostitute, Scarlet.
Oh.
Melissa? As in, this is Missy? (Chuckles) Small world, uh? What the hell, Jan? What is he doing in here? Sit! Oh, he was so lonely outside.
We talked about this.
We agreed.
We promised we wouldn't.
He was crying.
He doesn't understand.
Oh, come on, darling.
Don't be silly now.
Silly? This isn't silliness, Jan.
This is our life! Everything we have has been built on my good name, which has been more than a little sullied by having been caught buggering the family hound! Darling, you can't go on like this.
Like what? What's happening to us is real.
It's not a minor setback.
It's not silly.
You can't keep believing that everything will be the same! (Whines) Bruce? (Gasps for air) Darling? How did we get to this place? I was a Rhodes scholar.
I've brought thousands of children into the world.
(Sobs) I believe I've been a good and loving father, and yet for the rest of my life, I will be known for one thing and one thing only No, I won't have that.
You are still a marvel of a man.
Whatever they say, you are still the kindest, the most decent, and loving man.
I think I'm going to tell Cleaver to change my plea to guilty.
What? A trial will only make things worse for you and Bec.
It will.
Don't be ridiculous! You've done nothing wrong.
We're going to fight this thing and you'll be acquitted.
Now come back to bed.
You're being silly.
Come on.
Even if I am acquitted, you .
.
you have to realise that our lives as we know them .
.
are over, my love.
It's over.
Ohh! (Gasps) Fuck! (Intercom buzzes) What the f Yeah? WOMAN: It's me.
Is Fuzz there? He hasn't texted or anything? No.
Thought I was persona non grata.
He's with her.
He has to be.
Well, then we know he's safe.
Not with that woman, he isn't.
Well, why don't you go around to her place and find out? I did.
She must have moved.
OK.
Here, have a drop of this.
You look like a nervous wreck.
Oh, I haven't slept for 36 hours.
Jesus! Sheshe's a succubus.
I thought she was born in July.
Don't you dare be glib about this.
I'm not being glib.
You know, we tried being heavy and that didn't work.
He's still a boy.
We're gonna have to change tack at some stage.
He's going to be 16.
I don't care what the law says, Cleaver, he's our son! At some point, he's going to need to see some moral leadership.
Yeah.
Who is in your bed with Scarlet? Oh, who is Oh, yeah, that would be my friend Missy.
I may have mentioned her a couple of times.
Hello, mate, this is your sometime father here.
Um, your mother and I are a little worried about you.
We assume you're with Fiona.
Could you at least confirm that's the case? We don't want to cause a fuss.
I may deserve to suffer, mate, but your mum doesn't, OK? See ya.
(Mobile beeps) Yeah.
So what's the story with these two? Oh, well, the presidential suite at the Intercontinental was taken by Lady Gaga, so (Laughs) We just had to make do.
(Laughs) I'm not I'm not doing the deed.
I know.
I can tell.
That's what's so funny.
Good.
(Mobile beeps) Ah, yes, yes, he's fine.
He's with her.
He's going to see you in the morning.
(Laughs) Would you like a bit more? I shouldn't.
(Laughs) (Lullaby plays) (Sighs) MISSY: He said he couldn't go because you were sick.
(Wendy laughs) That's utter crap! Are you kidding? I was desperate to go.
I'd have wheeled myself to Melbourne to meet Michael Hutchence.
Cleaver didn't want to go.
He cannot stand the idea of being in a room and not being the guy with the highest testosterone level.
Once, Barney and I took him to see the Dalai Lama.
We got invited backstage, and Cleaver just stood in the corner.
He couldn't even go near the Dalai Lama! (Women laugh) Oh, and here he is.
Morning.
Morning, chief.
Morning.
I was thinking Witches of Eastwick for a minute, but then I realised it was a bit more Macbeth.
CHILDREN: Hi, Cleave! Beasts! How are we all, huh? Barney's got an abscess on one of his teeth, so he had to drop them over.
So I see.
Ooh! Oh, yes.
Good.
Well, the more the merrier, I say.
Gotta pee, Cleave.
What's that under your nose? Well, I was trying to brush my teeth, and I missed my mouth and hit my nose, and it's all your fault! It's your fault! It's your fault, you little pest! Oh, Alice, where's the rosemary hiding, sweetheart? Um, I'll just (Distant sports commentary) TV: Branch warfare has broken out today in the ALP You're counting really good, Max.
Really good.
Hello! Hey.
TV: .
.
an affair with Greens MP Lenore Harris.
Mr Fulton and Ms Harris have both been referred to ICAC for misusing council resources while conducting One day? You couldn't even wait one lousy day! Where are you? I mean, the poor bastard didn't even have a chance! I have been worried blind.
Come home, please.
Hold on a minute.
In 2007, Lenore Harris and I had an affair lasting several months.
Why are the children still here? Barney's still not very well, apparently.
(Children count) I need some time to think.
(Phone line goes dead) TV: I betrayed my wife and family in the worst possible way.
Go, go, go, go! Pff! (Mobile rings) Boy Wonder? Huh! What's the deal? I don't I don't know, Cleave.
I don't see how it can work.
Oh, that poor man! Who? Jack Fulton.
I mean, he just made one mistake and, courtesy of the party machine, his past came back to haunt him.
Please don't mistake this for me being compassionate or anything, but you really need to either tell David the truth, or end it.
I know.
Because if you think you can keep a secret in this town, you're out of your mind.
But look, if you need a distraction, I could use a hand at the moment.
I've got this doggy case on.
Solicitor is a complete mutt, and I need a good retriever I can rely on.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Oh, my Oh, God.
I thought you'd seen everything and done everything.
Oh, make it stop! It's amazing, you know.
When I first saw it, I was reaching for a bucket, too, but after about 50 times, it's a bit like watching Itchy & Scratchy.
Who are these people? That's Dr Bruce Chandler.
Actually, do you know a girl called Bec Chandler? She'd be about a year ahead of you at law school.
So? That's her dad.
Ahh! Thanks.
It'll only be for a few nights.
Yep, I'll just get the kids settled.
(Distant children play) (Glasses clink) (Mobile beeps) Jules is going away, so I can have her place while I work things out.
Ahh.
Don't you want to stay here? I don't know what I want at the moment, Cleave.
(Distant siren wails) Hey, Bec! Come on, give us a smile, will ya? That's it.
Give us a smile.
Come on, Bec, come on! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Bark for me, baby! Bark for me, baby.
That's it.
Come on! Hey, do you mind? Oh, I'm so sorry.
Ow! Thanks.
It was my pleasure, believe me.
Do you know why he was taking those pictures? Because of your father? You know, it's not that unusual, Bec.
What isn't? There are lots of good people into weird shit.
What? Everyone's into something, Bec.
Tits, undies, hair, shoes, back, front, black, white, pure, dirty, leather, rubber, S, M, B, D.
Trust me, they've run out of letters.
What are you saying? I'm saying that sex can be totally separate to the rest of someone's personality, particularly men.
You can be a good employee, a wonderful parent.
You can devote your life to those less fortunate.
You can be any and all of these things, Bec, and still have a dirty little secret which, for all practical purposes, has no bearing on the rest of your life.
So long as that dirty little secret is adult and consensual and nobody gets hurt more than they really want to be.
By the way, I'm working for your father.
I'll just be another ten, darling.
Dad.
Oh, sweetheart.
Can you explain it to me? What possible explanation could I give that would be satisfactory to you, really? OK.
Why was Mum so quick to forgive you? Well, she's She's a very forgiving person.
Are you protecting her? Don't be absurd.
Of course not.
How could you possibly believe that Mum would be I don't know what to believe anymore, Dad.
Darling (Toy squeaks) (Sniffs) Aghhhh! So Dr D'Antonio, we've heard a lot from the prosecution about the dog Felix's lack of ability to consent to the acts that were recorded in Exhibit A1.
As a professor of animal behavioural psychology, what would you say are the traditional signs that a male Rottweiler is up for sex? Um, well, the classical signs are an erection, obviously, panting, salivating, wagging tail.
I see.
But as I wrote in Nature, June 2006, despite the fact that consent is not an issue that crosses a dog's mind, it should not be taken for granted that we humans, therefore, are free to do as we please.
There is a moral dimension.
A moral dimension? Certainly.
We abhor paedophiles.
In those cases, consent is not an issue, either.
Consent for human beings is not an issue up to the age of 16 because the law says the consent must be informed.
Jesus.
Did she really write that? Oh, no.
(Mumbles) Oh, she's going to compare him to a paedophile.
Almost certainly, and she's made the comparison in at least six articles I could find.
Magic fucking word - if you want a conviction, throw the word 'paedophile' in front of a jury in any context.
God! Has she got any religious affiliations or anything? She goes to church.
Right, but no sort of nut-bag thing we can throw at the old bitch? Old bitch? She's 35, and this is the photo from the dust jacket of her latest book.
Ooh, hello.
I don't want to cross-examine her, I want her phone number.
(Laughs) If I were the prosecution, I would just hand out sick bags to the jury, and make 'em watch that DVD.
Get 'em worked up, get 'em scared, you know? As soon as they put on that bloody DVD Maybe we shouldn't be afraid of the DVD.
I mean, like you said, after you see it 50 times, you become immune.
So what, just play it and play it and play it? Maybe.
Oh.
I may have come up with a way to minimise the times the jury has to look at that DVD.
Oh, yeah.
But if we turn to frame 379 Mr Greene, really.
The jury's already watched this footage 13 times.
With great respect, Your Honour, they've not seen it in slow motion, nor frame by frame.
Frame by frame? Your Honour, this DVD is the prosecution's case.
It would be, in my respectful submission, most prejudicial to my client's defence if the jury did not become intimately acquainted with the act of which he's being accused.
Very well.
As you can see, there's an unknown prostitute sitting naked but for her face mask, then Felix enters frame, salivating, ah, his tail bobbing about, his eagerness to participate evidenced by a very impressive erection.
Oh, and look, he's happily wearing protective socks presumably so as to not scratch the unknown prostitute with whom he's Yeah, and there he goes.
Frame 32,875 - as you can see, Felix's tail is still bobbing around.
Frame 32,876 - oh, the lighting here is very good.
And again, if we turn to frame 86,426, er, as you can see, Felix's tail is still wagging about, he's still enjoying the loving embraces of his master and an unknown prostitute.
Your Honour, these constant references to an unknown prostitute.
Yes, I'm with you, Ms Arbib.
Can I see counsel in chambers, please? We'll take 15 minutes.
MAN: All rise.
What's going on, Cleave? We all know it's Mrs Chandler.
My instructions are that on 27th December, Mrs Chandler was watching the cricket with her mother in Rose Bay.
Ken, it's an insult to the court.
Well, Nadia, if you've got the evidence against her, why haven't you charged her? Do I have to do your job for you as well? When he gets in the box, I'll ask him about her, and if he's lying, Cleave, I'll have him for perjury as well.
OK.
My instructions are that doctor and Mrs Chandler love their daughter Rebecca very much and wish her a long and happy life.
Come on, guys.
Give the kid a break.
So Dr D'Antonio, do you equate the act my client is accused of with the act of paedophilia? Yes, I would, as a matter of fact.
In a moral sense? Yes.
So children and dogs, they're pretty much the same to you? Objection.
Mr Greene.
Your Honour.
Er, Doctor, do you believe the life of an animal equates to the life of a human being? We are all animals, Mr Greene.
Well, I know I'm all animal, Dr D'Antonio.
Doctor, do you value the life of a dog or a sheep or a guinea pig as much as you value human life? I believe we've erred in creating classes of people, classes of animals.
It's affected our values.
It's affected the way we run the planet.
Please answer the question, Doctor.
Yes.
I don't see why a dog's life should be less valuable than a human's life.
I see.
Ahem.
Doctor, I'd put it to you that your views on animal welfare are extreme and uncharacteristic of current thinking on the subject.
I reject that.
So you think that a dog should be able to vote and drive a car? You're being ridiculous, Mr Greene.
I don't think a dog should be forced to have sex against his or her will.
Let's have another look at the DVD then, shall we? I'd encourage you, Doctor, to show me the exact moment, or moments, where you feel that Felix is being forced, or coerced, or even encouraged.
Here we go.
Bec? Bec, what are you doing? My father's on trial in there.
You don't want to go in there.
Is it my mother? Is she the other woman? No.
Swear? Was it my mother in that room? You should know I'm an atheist, so swearing isn't Was it my mother? Please? No, it's a prostitute.
How can you be so sure? Her name's Wendy Brenner.
She works in a brothel called Club Jules.
Animals are her specialty.
I have her number if you want it.
How do you know all this? It's my job.
So where did you pick up this prostitute, Dr Chandler? Well, I I rang a brothel, and I asked if there were any girls that specialised in .
.
that sort of thing.
I see.
And how much did you pay for thisspecialisation? $3,000.
No further questions.
Australians, as a nation, have always rooted for the underdog.
(Laughter) Ladies and gentlemen, the truth is, my client didn't hurt anyone or anything.
Under New South Wales law, the maximum sentence I can get for poisoning a water supply is five years.
But having sex with Felix, the Rottweiler with the waggly tail, allows for a sentence of 14 years.
Now, Peter Singer, considered the founding father of the animal rights movement, has himself stated that having sex with animals does not necessarily involve cruelty.
The prosecution keep banging on about consent.
But do horses consent to being ridden around a track having their backsides whipped? Do rabbits consent to being tested for something Posh Spice dabs on her pulse points? own at least one dog.
(Sniffs) And this year, they're going to cook roughly sliced from some 35 million harmless, sweet, vegetarian cows.
It's a devastating hypocrisy.
Ladies and gentlemen, how many of you here own a dog but love a T-bone? (Quiet laughter) Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict? Yes, Your Honour.
What say you? We the jury find the defendant not guilty.
Thank you.
Anything else? WOMAN: No, Your Honour.
See, this scares me because I thought he was completely screwed.
How do you feel? Pretty pumped.
(Mobile rings) Hello? Ah, Joe Sandilands.
Can you talk? Yeah.
Good, good.
Look, um, just got off the phone from David.
He sounds pretty low, Miss.
So? Look, I don't think you realise how hard this is for him.
He didn't want to go Karl Rove on Jack, but we gave him no other choice.
Bravo! Come on, Miss, you know he's crazy about you.
Look, the system is morally bankrupt.
That is why we need people like David.
Without them, how are things ever going to change? Isn't that why you got into politics, Joe, to change things? I forget.
Right, got it.
We're off.
Where do you want to go? You know what, I'm beat.
No.
Really? Yeah.
Another time? (Sighs) ELECTRONIC TOY: It's a dog.
(Breathes out) Oh, I love you so much.
I'm so sorry.
(Cries) It's not your fault.
Oh, it is.
It's not your fault.
(Cries) (Scratching on door) (Dog whimpers)