Real Rob (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

1 - (Humming) - Honey.
Honey, honey, honey, honey.
Yeah? I'm missing five people's emails from Miranda's birthday party and they're all your friends.
Do you have them? Oh, those first two people are dead and the last three don't have emails yet.
(Humming) Patricia: Don't have email? Who doesn't have email? What's the matter with you? Just give me a second to recover.
Recover from what? I was chasing Miranda around.
Yeah, for five seconds.
- Are you checking your pulse? - No! - Are you having a heart attack? - I'm fine! I gotta get in better shape.
"Better shape?" What about getting in any kind of shape? "Better shape" suggests that there's a shape that exists already, and you wish to improve on it.
I'm not that bad.
You get winded after chasing Miranda for ten seconds.
She's pretty fast for a 12 month old and she was wearing tennis shoes.
If you haven't noticed, I'm wearing my slippers.
I think it's a great idea, getting into any kind of shape.
Do you want to work out with Udo? No thank you.
I don't want gay guys hitting on me.
I don't think you have to worry about that.
What are you sayin'? You don't think gay guys would hit on me? I mean, I'm just saying that you're pretty safe in that area.
Udo Would you hit on me? But I'm not gay.
Let's say you had a "friend" that was gay.
Would he hit on me? No offense, it's not just your look.
It's also your personality.
What if I just grabbed your dick? Would you make me stop? Where is this conversation going? You wouldn't want to suck my dick, ever? Interesting.
Why don't you just grab one of those workout DVDs that we have? Maybe I will.
This isn't over, Udo.
- Hey, Jamie.
- Hey, what's up? What are you doing? Rob texted me and asked me to bring him a snack.
- A snack? - Yeah.
Is he done with his workout? I dunno.
That's the only text I got.
Hm.
Let me take that for him.
Oh, okay.
Thanks, I've got a lot of stuff to do for rob anyway.
Patricia: Of course, as usual (Godfather theme) Are you watching "The Godfather?" (Gunfire on TV) Yeah! I found the DVD with the workout DVDs which were all horrible, by the way.
Good.
I'm turning it off.
That's a great scene! Did you know that they made Marlon Brando audition for that movie? Can you imagine? One of the greatest performances ever, they made him audition.
How disrespectful is that? How crazy is this bus You're working out! Alright.
Zumba for beginners.
Bring that shit on.
Let's do it! Zumba the shit out of that stuff.
(Merengue) (Merengue) (Merengue) (Merengue) (Merengue) (Merengue) - (Alarm beeping) - (Gasping and groaning) - What's happening? - My back! (Gasp) - What's the matter? - My legs! - What happened? - (Gasp) Did you use the wrong pillow again? No! Normally, it's the pillow.
It's not the pillow.
It's that stupid video of yours.
You mean "Zumba for Beginners?" Yeah.
That one.
Ugh.
Fuck! (Gasp) You're trying to kill me through Merengue! Honey, being sore is good.
It means that you got a good workout and that you're really out of shape.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Ow.
Piss.
Fuck.
Jamie, did you find those party places that I asked you for? Yeah, I have them right here.
Wow! So, some of these do face painting.
This is a list of all the ones available on the day you want.
Here are some brochures.
Check out all this stuff.
This stack, this all is the different decoration themes.
- Thank you! - Yeah, of course.
- That's awesome.
- Yeah, you can't go wrong.
Did you print out the Tarantino script that I asked you to do? Oh, man, I forgot.
The reading's in two hours.
I need that! Okay, I'll do it right now.
One of these is "Dora the Explorer.
" It's in English and Spanish.
How awesome is that? - Now! - Okay, sorry.
- The princess one is unbelievab - Jesus Christ! - There's ponies - You motherfucker! So, over here is our party area where the kids will come and play.
Over there we have our table set up for food.
We actually include pizza.
Is the pizza organic? No one's ever asked me that question before.
Does it have GMOs in the pizza, or what? Well, I know the pizza comes frozen and then we thaw it out, if that helps any.
How often do you clean the play area? I think we clean it whenever a kid spills something in it.
What kind of cleaning solvents do you use? I mean, do you use biodegradable products or harsh solvents? You know, benzene, hydrochlorides, endocrine disruptors Am I getting fired? Honey, it's just for a couple hours.
It's a birthday party.
It's not safe for Miranda.
All the kids will be fine! I don't care about other people's kids.
I only care about our kid, alright? I don't want her around those toxic chemicals and eating poison pizza.
Why don't we create a gigantic bubble and put Miranda in it so she'll never be in touch with any chemicals ever.
That's too complicated.
I know why don't we just have the party here? It's too much work! And I'm the one that is going to be stuck doing everything.
- I'll do it! - No, you won't.
Yes, I will.
We have to decorate, baby-proof the house, cook, clean I don't have the time.
I have rehearsals.
I'm telling you I will do it! Are you going to hire a party planner? I'll have Jamie help.
(Juicer buzzing loudly) (Juicer buzzing loudly) I'll do it myself.
I'll make a gluten-free, organic cake.
Have you ever made a gluten-free, organic anything? No.
Have you ever made a cake before? - No.
- Perfect! I'll go online, find the perfect recipe, and make it.
Yes, just like the time you went online and found the perfect time to pull out, and now we're having a birthday party.
That was my mistake.
Honey, Gymboree has this Diggle Biggle theme.
You know how much Miranda loves that bear, right? I'll do one better I'll get Diggle Biggle himself, and get him to the party.
- You can do that? - Why not? I'll just call his agent.
That would be nice.
Okay, I have rehearsals.
I'll see you later.
Don't go crazy spending money.
Love you.
Are you gonna wash that or what? I don't know which ones fell on the floor.
- You know what Patty said? - What's that? Patty said she didn't think gay guys would hit on me.
(Chuckle) Really? - Crazy, huh? - Yeah.
What do you think? I dunno.
Come on, if you were gay, you'd hit on me Wouldn't ya? Honestly, I don't know.
Alright, let's say you were gay.
What would you look for in a guy? Oh, okay.
That's a good question.
Um, sense of humor romantic someone that likes musicals.
Someone that enjoys the outdoors.
We could ride bikes together down to the beach.
I've been outdoors, I like bikes, I like musicals! Someone who's athletic, likes to play sports, is in good physical shape.
Fuck! What else? Jamie: Someone who likes to travel, drive up the coast highway.
Maybe we get out, stop at all those little espresso shops, those coffee places.
We run maybe we still hold hands, even though we've been together for a long time.
We still like each other that much that we do that.
We put our toes into the water.
You know, I hope he can sing.
Like, sing good.
I'd like a tough guy, you know? Not tough like mean, where I would end up maybe getting hurt.
But it would be nice to have a tough guy, someone who has your back, you know? That would be awesome.
And not too feminine.
And definitely not too masculine, either.
I mean, that's not sexy! And well-endowed, you know? Not, like, too well-endowed, you know, for obvious reasons Right? Morning! - What are you doing? - I'm gonna give you a ride to the gym.
I don't need a ride, thanks.
I'm going with you! Are you just going to watch? No I'm gonna work out! I'm gonna start exercising.
Did something happen? Did you lose a bet? Why is everybody making such a big deal about me working out? Do you have a phone number I should call, in case of emergency? Man, is that an extra, extra, ladies small or something? God, you're ripped! You don't get a body like this overnight.
Takes years of neglect.
Is that your gym bag? Yeah, that's my gym bag.
And I've got a hundred more where this came from.
Udo: Hey, buddy.
Hey, gentlemen.
Hey, welcome back, Udo.
It's been eight hours since your last workout.
Thank you.
Welcome back, Mr.
Schneider.
It's been 684 days since your last workout.
Wow.
(Chuckle) I swear I was just here, like, a year and a half ago.
Attendant: Yeah How you doin'? Um, good.
Good So, you like working out here? Yeah, um, can a guy work out without getting hit on? I'm not hitting on you! Wow! (Machine beeping and winding) (Grunting and breathing) (Grunting and breathing) (Grunting and breathing) Um, could I ask you a question? You touch me again, and you're going to be picking up your teeth out of the Pilates equipment.
Rob: Hey, guys.
Mind making a little room? Squeeze in there? Um, alright.
Thank you.
- I think it's clean.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
(Coughing) (Deep breathing) Anyway, are you guys members here? No, we just walked in here and decided to sit in the sauna.
Of course we're members here.
Rob: Okay, cool.
Oh, man.
Pretty nice gym.
Some crazy pussy out there, huh? I mean dick dick.
Gotcha.
(Humming) Do you shave those things, or Please, don't touch his nipples.
I know, I know.
I'm just asking.
Because that looks like it's been shaved.
We don't touch.
There's no touching here.
I was just I thought No.
He's with me.
I was just curious, because I don't shave.
- I was thinking about it.
- We We gotta go.
It's been really nice and fun.
Well, see you next time, then.
No, I don't think so.
Ahem Uh, sir? Hey, excuse me.
Can we talk for a second? Yeah, sure.
What's up? Some of them members here have mentioned to me that, ah, you're making them feel a little Uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable? - Yeah.
- How? This is a gym not a bathhouse.
Oh, but hey, you're welcome back here any time but you're not allowed in the locker room.
Um How much for the protein cookies? On the house.
Thanks.
Rob: Patricia's right! I'm like an anti-gay magnet.
I'm like a walking vagina.
I'm like a huge, walking vagina.
Some kind of, like, perfect twat of some (phone vibrates) Excuse me.
(Phone vibrating) Hey baby, what's up? Patricia: Hi, baby.
Just checking to see if everything is going okay.
I just have to make the cake and then that's it.
It's going to be a great birthday party, you'll see.
I'm so excited to see Miranda's face when she meets Diggle Biggle the bear.
Yeah, me too.
Okay, honey.
I gotta go.
- I'll see you later.
- See you tonight.
Damn! I forgot to get Diggle Biggle.
Fuck! Look him up.
"Diggle Biggle.
" There he is.
Bring it up.
Jamie: The guy wants 15,000 for a day.
15,000? For a guy in a bear suit? That's ridiculous! Jamie: Whoa, wait a second.
Dude, check it out.
There's this moron that looks just like Diggle Biggle with a slightly different name "Wiggle Giggle.
" He's only 80 bucks! You can save $14,000 with this guy.
Now you're helping.
Okay, I'll get the cleaning supplies and something to help hold up the piñata.
You get the rest of the stuff.
Hi, do you have one of those things that'll make it so a kid can't get out of a door? Uh This'll childproof your door.
That's perfect.
Can I get ten bags of candy? Whatever candy a kid can't say no to.
How old are your kids? I don't have any kids.
Alright, I got the duct tape and the garbage bags.
I think we're all set.
Do we need anything else? Yes.
Do you have anything to help blindfold little kids? You know? (Choking sound, chuckle) That's beautiful.
What part of the cake is that? Oh, these are egg rolls.
The recipe was on the same webpage as the cake.
Huh.
What is all that? It's stuff for the kids! Cabbage, carrots, cucumbers, bean and rice chips The kids are going to hate that.
The kids are gonna love it! It's fiber! The party's not 'til tomorrow.
Are you sure you still want to do it here? I can do this.
And Jamie's actually been a big help, surprisingly.
(Jamie pumping air) He's good at this kid stuff which is kind of creepy.
Where is Diggle Biggle? He's on his way.
The kids are already here.
That's the cake? Um, this cake may lack the traditional structure of a normal cake, - due to its lack of sugar, and flour, and eggs - And shape, and cake! Trust me.
These kids aren't going to be able to taste the difference.
(Doorbell) I brought a cake for the birthday.
- Thank you! - It's my mother's recipe.
That's all I have left from her.
She died, huh? No, she's in a mental institution.
I snuck out the recipe, though, in my shoe, so I could make a cake for you.
Well, thank you.
It's beautiful.
I would love to see the kid blow the candle.
(Laugh) I bet you would, you sick fuck! (Both laughing) (Phone vibrating) Rob: "Bear emergency?" What the hell's going on? He was awake a minute ago, then he drank a half bottle of vodka and started crying.
- What the fuck? - First I thought it was one of your actor buddies.
Then he put the bear suit on and just passed out.
Hey, Diggle Biggle! Hey, buddy! Wake up! God, he's out cold.
What are we gonna do? - Come on! - No! I need you to put this on! Why can't you do it? If I'm not at the party, Patty will be suspicious.
If you're not there, nobody'll give a shit.
Thanks a lot! Come on, let's go.
- Put on the head! - No! There's a party going on downstairs.
Children are crying.
People are upset.
And you can fix all that.
You like birthday parties, right? You're a good person.
Come on please.
- I can't do it.
- Motherfucker! Why not?! I'm claustrophobic.
You're what? I'm claustrophobic.
Oh my god Claustrophobia.
The gayest of all phobias.
- What? - There's no snakes No spiders, no foreigners Just you by yourself being a pussy.
It's not gay.
It's a real phobia.
I'm gonna help you.
We're gonna get over this whole claustrophobia thing right now.
Put this on, just for one second.
No.
- One second, that's it.
- No way.
I don't want my friend, my best friend, to be claustrophobic.
Okay.
For one second! That's all I'm asking, just one second.
If you don't like it, right off, okay? It's going to be good for you now.
One second.
Just take it easy now.
Take a breath.
I'm gonna help you, okay? Still breathing, now zipping.
It's almost on.
Let's go party.
- (Jamie screaming) - It's already on! Jamie: Help! I can't breathe! I can't breathe! Help! (Kids cheering) (Kids cheering) Hey, it's Diggle Biggle! (Kids cheering) This is true.
My wife wants me to get in better shape.
And I said this I said to her, "I don't want to go to the gym here because I don't want gay guys hitting on me.
" (Laughter) And then she said, "I think you're pretty safe in that area.
" (Laughter) And so, like, listen - I'm not gay at all.
I'm not bi-curious.
I could care less.
But part of my ego went, like, "What?" (Laughter) What do you mean, gay guys won't hit on me? So, I think I'm not gay, but I think my ego is transgender.
I think it is.
Lookin' pretty good over there.
Thanks! I've been coming in three times a week for almost a week now.
Listen, if you're not doing anything after your workout, maybe we could grab a drink? I thought you'd never ask.
You did such a great job with the party tonight, honey.
The decorations were amazing.
The food was good, too.
And even though your cake tasted like shit, Miranda had a great time.
- And that's all that matters.
- Thanks.
Also, I'm proud of you for working out every day to make your body less lumpy.
I think there's a compliment in there somewhere.
So how are the workouts going? - That's it.
I'm done.
- What do you mean? I thought you wanted to get in shape for Miranda? No, I just wanted to prove my point that gay guys would find me attractive, and they obviously do.
He gave me his number.
- Are you gonna call him? - Of course not! Then why did you save it in your phone? It's just nice to know it's there.
By the way can you just stop shaving all of your body hair, please? All the gay guys do it.
What, you don't like it? At first, but then it's like having sex with a pineapple.
Now you know what it's like.
- Cop: License and registration.
- Yes, sir.
Have you been drinking? No, not me.
It smells like alcohol.
Yes, yes, it does.
But it is not mine.
That other smell is vomit.
But that's not mine, either.
This isn't my costume! Candy, duct tape Garbage bags.
Where were you tonight? I was at a kid's party.
Sir, step out of the vehicle! I was just at a kid's party Turn around, close the door! Spread your legs.
Spread 'em! - Do you have any weapons? - No.
Needles? Rob Schneider made me do it.