Red Dwarf s01e05 Episode Script

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf.
The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.
Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are a life form who evolved from his cat and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the crew.
We've travelled through the galaxy for three million years, and discovered that the highest form of life is Man and the lowest is a man who works for the post office.
(R0MANTIC MUSIC) (WOMAN ON TV) Oh, Jim, didn't you say we have to seize our moments? (SN0RTS) (MAN) This is our moment, right here and now.
Let's seize it together.
(WOMAN) But, darling, I'm dyingl (MAN) I know, Carol.
Dr Graham told me everything.
- Busy, are you, Dave? - Hol! I'm watching the film.
- Just wondered if you were bored.
- No, no.
- You're not bored, then? - No, go away! (WOMAN) But, darling, I'm dyingl (MAN) I know, Carol.
Dr Graham told me everything.
I've just finished reading everything.
I've now read everything written by anyone ever.
- Go away! - You know what the worst book ever is? - I don't care! - "It's A Funny Old Game" by Kevin Keegan.
Let me watch the film.
(R0MANTIC MUSIC) I'm at a loose end.
I don't know what to do.
Why don't you read everything again? I thought I might pass the time creating a perfect replica of a woman, capable of independent decision-making and abstract thought, and absolutely undetectable from the real thing.
- Why don't you? - I don't know how.
I couldn't even make the nose.
- Is there something you want? - If you're not busy.
- Would you erase some of my memory? - What for? If you erase the Agatha Christie novels, I can read 'em again tonight.
- How do I do it? - Just type "holmem".
"Password override.
" Then "novels, Christie, Agatha".
Then press erase.
- I've done it.
- Done what? - Erased Agatha Christie.
- Who's she, then? You just asked me to erase all Agatha Christie novels from your memory.
Why? I've never heard of her.
That's because I've just erased her from your smegging memory.
- Why'd you do that? - You asked me to! - When? - Just now! - I don't remember.
- I'm going to bed.
This'll go on all night.
(WOMAN) I'm dyingl (MAN) I know, Carol.
Dr Graham told me everything.
(R0MANTIC MUSIC) Had a good day, Lister? Scrummed enough choccies? Watched enough drivel, have you? You're turning into a sad middle-aged woman.
Next, you'll be varnishing your nails and buying girdles.
And what've you done that's so great? I've achieved 17 things off my daily goal list, whereas you've never achieved anything ever.
- I went to the officers' block.
- When? - This morning.
- But it hasn't been decontaminated! - You said it had last week! - No, it was on last Thursday's list! - And you haven't done it yet?! - Tomorrow.
It's on tomorrow's daily goal list.
Item 34, right after "learn Portuguese".
Thanks a lot.
Don't tell me.
Why were you mooching around up there, anyway? I was looking through Kochanski's dream recorder.
She dreamed about me three times.
So? Clean my teeth, please, Holly.
You don't dream about someone that you don't feel for.
I once dreamed about a baboon.
It doesn't mean I want to sleep with it.
- Must've meant something.
- Shave, please, Holly.
Lister, you should take a good long look at yourself, then you'd see just how ridiculous you appear to other people.
If you'd let me have Kochanski's personality disk, I could find out.
If you were a Love Celibate, you wouldn't have these problems.
You only knocked around with those prats from the Love Celibacy Society because you could never get a date.
No, I agree with their philosophy that love is a sickness that holds back your career and takes all your money.
You let your mum buy your "casual" clothes.
There's nothing wrong with my casual clothes.
Your trousers were so short, you could see your knees.
What about Yvonne McGruder? That was a date.
She'd been hit on the head by a winch.
She had concussion.
She was crazy about me.
- She called you Norman.
- She went to bed with me.
Yeah, because she thought you were somebody else.
Serves her right for being concussed, doesn't it? Rimmer! You don't know what love is.
Yes, I do.
Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn.
Lights.
Rimmer, love is Love is what makes us different from animals.
What makes us different from animals is we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.
Lights! Rimmer, are you awake? Rimmer! Are you awake? What? Yes, Mum, I'm just packing my satchel.
- Where am I? What time is it? - I don't feel very well.
- Half past three?! - I feel really ill.
Well, you are really ill.
No, I mean REALLY ill.
I'm going down to the medical unit.
I don't feel very well.
Lights.
Ah, Miss McGruder, where were we? (PANTS) I feel really hot.
Hey, this is mine.
That's mine.
All this is mine.
I'm claiming all this as mine.
Except that bit.
I don't want that bit.
But all the rest of this is mine.
This has been a good day.
I've eaten five times, slept six times and made lots of things mine.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something.
Aow! Yeah! # S-E-X, you know I want it! Aow! # S-E-X, I'm gonna get it! # S-E-X, I think I found it # Hey, monkey, you're sick.
Sick, helpless and unconscious.
If you weren't my friend, I'd steal your shoes.
Time for a snack.
This way.
Aow! Emergency.
There's an emergency going on.
It's still going on.
It's still an emergency.
Will Arnold Rimmer please hurry to White Corridor 159? This is an emergency announcement.
Food! (MACHINE) Today's speciality is chicken Marengo.
# I'm gonna eat you, little chickie, I'm gonna eat you, little chickie.
# I'm gonna eat you, little chickie # Ah-ah, too slow, chicken Marengo.
Too slow for this cat.
Hey! This chicken's faster than I thought! Quick! Lister's fainted! He needs help! Didn't you hear me? Lister's in trouble.
The monkey - ooh-ooh-ooh! - has fainted.
Quick! Come now.
Is there something wrong with you? Lister's collapsed! - Yeah? - He needs help! - And? - And he might die.
Aw, no! That's too bad.
I really liked him, too.
- So, come and help him.
- And interrupt my lunch?! What's more important, his life or smegging lunch? That doesn't even deserve an answer.
Right.
0K.
You come with me.
You get a stretcher.
(RIMMER) Down.
Down.
Stop.
Let the medicomp take my temperature.
Lister, they've got to learn.
Down, down Slowly Ah, now very, very, very slowly forward.
- Ah! My eye! - Lister, they've got to learn.
- I nearly lost an eye! - How about an anal reading? - I feel fine now.
- Well, you're not fine.
It's your own smegging fault for going up to the officers' deck.
- I just wanted a look around.
- In Kochanski's quarters, and look what's it got you.
I've got a touch of pneumonia.
Three million years ago, it was pneumonia.
- Since then, it's mutated.
- Why didn't I ask her out? What's the worst she could've said? She could've said, "No, you're a filthy, greasy, disgusting object "I wouldn't be seen dead with.
" She could've said yes.
Stranger things have happened.
the spontaneous combustion of the Mayor of Warsaw in 1546 and that incident in 12th-century Burgundy when it rained herring.
There's this theory I had.
Everyone's got two people inside, your confidence and your paranoia.
Your confidence goes, "You're great.
You're sexy! Everybody loves you!" Your paranoia says, "You're stupid, useless and everybody hates you.
" That's odd, Lister.
According to this reading, you're clinically dead.
My confidence would be just about to persuade me to ask Kochanski out, and as I walked up to her, he'd go off to Hawaii.
I'd be left with paranoia, saying, "She'll laugh in our face.
" Sometimes, Lister, you can be quite perceptive and thought-provoking.
you rant like a complete loony.
- Just take me to me bed.
- All right, Lister.
Release the mechanism very, very gently.
Possibly a gnat's more gently than that.
Quick! Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella! Necrobics.
Hologramatic exercises for the dead.
It's raining! It's raining! Get an umbrella! It's raining.
It's raining Holly, what's going on? - What? - What's happening? Um, Hercule Poirot's just stepped off the train.
If you ask me, they all did it.
Why do we have you? We'd be better off with a bucket of slop.
If you've got a complaint, just come out with it.
Don't hide behind hyperbole.
- Why is it raining fish? - I'd be lying if I said I knew.
The only comparable incident is in 12th-century Burgundy.
(BELL RINGS) It's really going to be one of those days.
Hey, you're awake! - I just woke up.
- I've brought some presents! - You shouldn't have bothered.
- Well, I'm that kind of guy! Let's see what we've got in the magic bag.
I got you some grapes, - and I got you got you an orange.
- Thanks.
I feel better already.
Well, all this enormous generosity has made me tired.
I'm going to bed.
Ah, yes, indeedy.
- You're awake.
- But I'll be asleep in a minute.
- How do you feel? - Fine, but I'm trying to sleep! Shut up, you stupid moggy! Well, I'm gonna take my presents back! - How do you feel? - Hurt! - I feel great.
- Listen, Lister, you had a fever.
- Yeah.
- And you started to hallucinate.
- Yeah? - 0nly your hallucinations were solid.
- What do you mean? - They were real, alive, solid.
- Solid? - Solid.
- What do you mean?! - 0K, I'll put it another way.
- You had hallucinations, all right? - Yeah.
And they were solid.
I told you it wasn't ordinary pneumonia.
It was mutated.
- I knew something would happen.
- What did I hallucinate? - Well, first of all, it was fish rain.
- Fish rain? Yeah, I dreamt that! - It happened.
- Where's the fish? Somebody ate them! Then the Mayor of Warsaw spontaneously combusted.
And then you hallucinated two men in the Drive Room.
- What two men? - Apparently, one's your confidence and the other's your paranoia.
See what I mean, Lister? Hey! It's the king! Mr Beautiful! What's the "H" for? Horace? A chair for the king, Horace.
And breakfast.
Mr Wonderful wishes to dine.
Have you lost weight? You look great.
Is he perfect or what? - You're my confidence? - That accent makes me go all wibbly! You look like the manager of the London jets, but sound like a quiz show host.
I'm all the things you associate with confidence, King.
- And you're my paranoia? - Is that a urine stain? - What? No, it isn't.
It's tea.
- So, how are you, anyway? Isn't that a spot appearing on your so-called face? My God, you've got fat.
Must be all that lager.
Bet you've got a terminal disease.
Always happens to people who least expect it.
Say hello, won't you? I'm only trying to be friendly.
Baby, baby, what can I say? Is he the greatest guy ever or am I insane? You're insane.
Lister, what are you going to do? - What can I do? - Let's arrest them.
- What for? - For being hallucinations.
Come on, smeghead.
It's company.
Lister, you're still sick.
These two are symptoms of your disease.
They're the spots in measles, the swellings in mumps, the funny walk in cystitis.
Until they're gone, you won't be better.
Hey, now I know what the "H" stands for.
"Hidiot"! Am I right? You are treading a very thin line, me laddo.
The "H" stands for "Hologram".
I happen to be dead.
Couldn't happen to a more deserving guy.
Come on, King.
Forget those losers.
Let's go party.
- No, I forbid it! - Why? Why do you never listen to Mr Rimmer? He's much more experienced, more level-headed, so much better than you.
Listen, no one tells the Prince of Charisma what to do.
Right, Prince? - Yeah, right! - That's my Davey-boy! He's socialising with a figment of his imagination.
Yes.
Dust storm approaching.
The ship exterior is now out of bounds.
All airlocks are being automatically sealed.
Estimated duration.
18 hours.
(0FF-KEY) # our love I tried to kindle # like firelight, it dwindled # Now I wonder when this wind'll ever stop # - You wrote that? - Yeah, but it was ages ago.
- That is the greatest love song ever.
- Come on! Ever! It's so deep.
The images! The dwindling, the kindling, all the indling! I love that stuff! When I think there's fast-buck merchants like Beethoven and Mozart out there, grabbing the publicity, and here's you, writing pieces of that calibre, it makes me wanna weep.
- What are you doing with that butt? - 0h, you've embarrassed me now.
It's just that your lips have touched it.
The king's kissing lips! I just wanted some proof that I'd actually met the Duke of Deliciousness! You're serious, aren't you? - Serious about what? - I'm a nobody! I ranked 169.
Bottom of the pile.
That's because you didn't want that career stuff.
You wanted your farm on Fiji with you-know-who.
- If she'd come.
- Lf?! And turn down the opportunity of becoming the envy of all womankind? - 0h, we'll never know now.
- Why not? - She's dead.
- So is Rimmer.
Holly can only sustain one hologram, and Rimmer's hidden the personality disks.
- So? Find them.
- I can't.
King, you can do anything.
Anything! anything.
He can't do anything.
- 0h, I know.
I'll bet five.
He used to practise kissing on his own.
- How? - He made lips out of one hand, then waggled his thumb through the gap like a tongue.
That is priceless.
Seventeen years old and he snogged his own hand.
he called his gym teacher "Daddy".
I could've died with embarrassment.
What a silly thing to do.
- I hate him.
- Then why talk about him so much? Because he makes my life one big, humiliating, cringe-making, guilt-ridden hell! Now! Stab him! Stab him! Stab him! Ah, you haven't met Stabhim.
He's one of our skutters.
Stabhim, meet Lister's paranoia.
Lister's paranoia, this is Stabhim.
Yo, Rimmer, we've been thinking.
We might get Kochanski back without turning you off.
If we turn off all unnecessary systems, Holly says it'll work.
Another great idea from the people who brought you beer milkshakes! You're obsessed with a girl you hardly know.
Hardly knows her? You haven't heard the "indling" song! - # 0ur love I tried to kindle # - Not now! - You're not having her disk.
- Because she'll outrank you? But she's a bright, good-looking, witty, upwardly mobile officer.
Why should she fancy you? - Yes, why should she fancy you? - Yeah, why should she? Hmm? Sorry, I was just thinking about that song.
I can't get it out of my head.
Why? Because you're great! You're an incredibly seductive, charming, charismatic young stud! Yeah, I forgot.
That's why.
You're not having her disk or any disk.
Come on, King.
Where would he hide 'em? - I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
- No, he doesn't.
- Come on, think "winner".
- Er, wrong, actually! - Where outside? Well, he'd have to send the skutters Wrong, wrong! Absolutely brimming over with wrongability.
They'd have to be under my nose, so he could laugh.
Wrong and getting wronger all the time.
The solar panel outside our sleeping quarters! You followed me, you goit! Is that where they are?! That's incredible! I did it! Lister? - How long now, Hol? - Can't be long, Dave.
Hercule has the suspects in one room, and I'm two pages from "by the same author".
No, Holly.
The dust storm.
Oh, that.
Any time now, it's almost subsided.
Yeah, how's my baby boy? You've got a body like a coat hanger! You make a spacesuit look like eveningwear.
- Let me ask you one question? - It's no use arguing.
I'm going.
- Who smashed up the medicomp? - He's stalling, King.
Let's go.
Holly, give him a punch up.
Why would they smash it up? Lister, come here.
Come here.
You are still sick.
- I feel great.
- You will not You will not You will not be better until they've gone.
They know that, and they've stopped you getting any treatment.
Where's Paranoia? I don't know.
Is it someplace near Uruguay? Who is this joker? - They're germs and they're dangerous.
- The storm has passed, Dave.
- Airlocks are now released.
- What are we waiting for, King? Nothing.
- Holly, put a trace on Paranoia.
- What's a trace? - It's space jargon.
It means find him.
- You made that up to be cool.
- Where is he? - Paranoia is no longer on this ship.
(C0NFIDENCE) Look at that view, Kingo! (B0TH) # Cha, cha-cha # Cha-cha, cha-cha cha-cha # Cha, cha-cha # Cha-cha, cha-cha cha-cha # (LISTER) Hey, here it is! (C0NFIDENCE) # Cha-cha, cha-cha, cha-cha, cha-cha # - Did you hear something? - Nope.
- In space, no one can hear you cha-cha! - Could Paranoia be here? - Forget him.
- He smashed up the medical unit.
- No, he didn't.
I did.
- You did? So we can be together.
I did it for you! - Where did he go, then? - I killed him.
What do you mean, you killed him?! Hey, he didn't suffer.
I fed him into the waste grinder and flushed his bits into space.
Look, I'm gonna go inside now.
Gets a little claustrophobic in these suits.
- Take your helmet off.
- What?! - Take your helmet off.
- I'll die.
There's no oxygen! - Hey, oxygen's for losers.
Come on! - I need oxygen! You don't need anything.
You're the king! - You're crazy! - Who told you you needed oxygen? Some loser trying to make you feel small.
I'll prove it to you.
I'll take mine off first.
- We'll see who's crazy around here! - No! (WHISTLES) - Must you do this now? - I'm doing my laundry! - It's totally disgusting.
- What's disgusting? - Lister.
- Yeah? I just want to say I was right all along.
- I said they were germs and they were.
- 0K.
So what? And I'm saying that disk will bring you misery.
Just remember I said that.
If she comes back and she's not interested, I can handle it.
Whatever, Lister.
That disk is a one-way ticket to Miseryville.
I spent enough time listening to me paranoia.
Now I'm listening to me confidence.
(HUMS MILITARY TUNE) (JAZZ) Hi, Krissie It's not gonna work.
Hello, Krissie That's not gonna work either.
Hey! Yo! Krissie! (PATHETICALLY) Hi Lister, good luck.
I mean it.
- Smeg off.
- No, honestly.
Good luck.
- Well, he did warn you.
- I certainly did.
Do you honestly think I'd put Kochanski's disk in Kochanski's box where any munchkin could find it? You think you had it bad before, Lister? Well, now you've got it in stereo, baby.
- Welcome aboard, Rimmsie.
- Nice to be here, you son of a gun.
# It's cold outside # There's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun #