Reggie Perrin (2009) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
OK.
Nice and positive.
- No.
Too old to whoop.
- Bit early isn't it? I'm sick of being 27 minutes late every day.
You look lovely.
ANT POISON HAVE SEX Avoid confusion.
HAVE SEX WITH WIFE We apologise for the delay.
This is due to like, a bush on the line.
' What? 27 minutes late.
Jumped out of the train in the Sutton area.
There's a rehearsal at 10.
30 for a terrorist attack alarm practice.
Thank you.
And the "huh-huh-huh" noise has been updated to a "neuaw-neuaw-neuaw" noise.
Just to warn you.
Morning, Reggie.
The Regorator.
Reg-manaparini.
- Regemite.
- Regemammawingwar.
- Registrar.
- Regetarian sausages.
- Regging your bets.
- Fruit and Reg.
Reg hot chilli peppers.
- Oh, he's gone.
- Yeah, what a guy.
- Yeah.
Well, we all get a little bit frustrated from time to time.
I jumped off a train.
We've all jumped off trains in moments of frustration.
In between stations? I had to scrabble up a steep grassy verge watched by hundreds of commuters.
They were taking pictures with their phones.
- Can I give you a leaflet? - I have all your leaflets.
Even my new one? Understanding Your Anger.
- Yes.
- Did you find it helpful? - No, it just made me angry.
- Okay.
Well, these are very healing.
Maybe you could get one.
Doesn't it make you want to go to the toilet all the time? Yes, it does.
So, what are your frustrations and issues in a nutshell? Death, earphones, pointless cobbled together leaflets, a sense that love is the answer coupled with a searing hatred of so many things, and people.
Ooh, that's quite a list.
Disposable razors, world over-population, fear of briefcases, fantasies, often violent.
Dark places, over-lit places, trains with windows you can't open, people who call me Regga Mamma Wingwah.
The urge to scream and a nostalgia for unwanted erections.
Who's a mixed up sausage? I am.
Whenever I feel frustrated, I ring my Nan, and we go for a nice bicycle ride.
Are you sure your Nan won't mind going cycling with a complete stranger? I'm barely here at the moment so please leave a cheeky message.
It's Chris.
Hello, Chris! Yes, I'm free to meet.
Oh, you say when.
No, no, you say, really you say OK, 11 o'clock this 12 o'clock tomorrow, fine.
Twat.
Sorry?! Yeah, it's gorgeous, Reggie.
It is, isn't it? - And who's going to ride it? - That'll be me.
You know this is the one where you have to pedal, don't you? You see the mistake I've been making all these years, don't you? You're gonna have to narrow it down.
I've been looking for a psychological cause for my stress and alienation, whereas it's probably all been physical.
Oh, and if it's exercise we're looking for, the writing's on the wall, isn't it? It's been too long.
It's the size it is, honey.
Couldn't we start sort of now-ish? Oh, God, no, I'm gonna be up half the night marking this lot.
Fair enough.
- Tomorrow night definitely.
- Absolutely.
Oh, it's got reverse too.
Oh, Jesus! You're joking, mate! No, a bit tired.
20 minutes cycling supposedly tiring.
Bikes aren't allowed on during rush hour.
- Do you want to get the bike off - Come on.
Oh, suddenly everybody wants to talk to me.
Where were you the last 25 years when I fancied a chat? Get off! Well, take a good look at this face, cos it's the last time you'll see it! - I thought you said - You know what I mean.
27 minutes late.
Came in by fricking bike.
- Are you gonna change your clothes? - Oh, yeah.
Imagine the confusion if I didn't look identical to all the other men in offices up and down the country.
Anyone got an iron? Hi, Reggie.
Hello, Jasmine.
Ointment for your bottom, Mr Perrin.
- Jasmine.
- Vicky.
I cycled into work.
Finding it hard to move.
Still, that's impressive.
Yes, took me 50 minutes to get here, from my office over there.
And I'm guessing you carried your suit in your back pack.
No, you've heard of crushed velvet.
Welcome to crushed polyester or Crumplene as we know it.
I know we were right not to get together but um .
.
yeah.
Can somebody rub ointment into my perineum please? Reggie? Oh, it's all right, Chris, I to it.
- My office, now.
- Right, OK, do my best.
Reggie.
- Chris.
You've got your desk back.
- Yes, that's right.
I felt I needed a barrier.
Is that a suit or a cry for help? How's work going on our chest hair trimmer? Oh, well to be honest, Chris, it's all going tits up.
I'll let that go.
So, it's been 12 months since I was head-hunted out of the animal foodstuff sector to come and run this company.
What a lovely surprise that was, Chris.
And back then I made some promises, and in a few days I've got to deliver on those promises at a top level meeting in a secret location in Hemel Hempstead.
Not such a secret location then, Chris.
Now, I'm an enabler.
I'm a facilitator.
A possibilitiser.
I love your use of language, Chris.
I open doors and I wedge those doors open with the wedge of my personality, and they stay open.
But there is an informational underspend in terms of my role here.
There is a cluster of knowledge shortfalls across certain parameters.
In other words, I know toss-all about what we do at this company.
So I need you to teach me.
- Teach you what? Everything.
- Why? Reggie, I'm in trouble here.
I could lose my job.
Markets are volatile.
Confidence in Groomtech could collapse and the little people will be out on their ear.
Vicky, Anthony, Trevor.
- Steve.
- Steve! Why?! And you'll be out of a job too, Reggie.
When shall we start? You didn't cycle to work, did you? Yes, I did.
Technically, the bike was in a taxi on the way back.
Still, well done.
Taxi fare from London, new bike.
I'm going to work by Lear Jet tomorrow which is a little bit cheaper, but hey, let's go bankrupt in style.
No, come on, I'm gonna ride to and from work from now on.
- Really? - Ãhüm.
OK.
Sorry, love, that is very impressive.
While we're on the subject, don't be shy, get your tongue in my ear.
I stopped off at an adult shop on the way home, which was full of toys of course, ironically.
I bought us some chocolate oysters for their aphrodisiac qualities and some truth or dare Hobnobs and a pair of liquorice pants.
That's my kind of supper.
Yeah, look, I'm I'm afraid I started today.
What? I'm riding the cotton pony.
- It's my monthly Ofsted - Yeah, I get it! - I'm sorry, sweetie.
Oh, we can have lots of cuddles.
Hooray! I knew you'd be disappointed so - You didn't! - What? Ask your friend Trixie over.
That is not funny, Reggie.
Sorry.
Churning testosterone.
OK.
You like France, right? - Yes.
- And you like comedy.
I do.
So, instead of you know, I have bought you a big boxed set of French comedy movies.
They were really expensive, Reggie! No, that, that's great.
French comedy.
So terribly subtle or just plain stupid.
- Oh, you cycled in again? - Well spotted, Vicky.
Have an employee alertness sticker.
How was it? Like child birth without baby at the end.
You should do what I do and come to work by train.
I can't do that now.
I'd risk humiliation in front of several dozen bike-phobic commuters, not to mention my doubting wife.
Oh, and Jasmine Strauss from Balms and Lubricants.
You might want to look away, Vicky.
I'm about to peel these shorts off and some of my genitals may come away with them.
Reggie, we hear that you've been having secret meetings with Chris.
That's so cool, it's frightening.
Yeah.
I'm almost physically frightened.
Come in.
Reggie, there's some rumours going around on the rumour doughnut.
Are our jobs safe? So an unguent is less sticky than an ointment but stickier than a lotion.
Yes.
How sticky is an astringent? Not sticky at all! - Correct.
- Yes! What's our most popular moisturiser? Avocado Mist.
And why didn't in Germany? Because mist means shit in German.
Expensive mistake.
What's our least popular moisturiser? Onion Moisturiser.
Soon to be replaced by? - Oh, Fuzzy Cucumber.
- Well done.
Xavier, bring in my executive goo balls would you? - Right, I'm off.
- No, sit down.
I think you're pretty much up to speed Chris, after 12 hours of tuition.
Now I understand why my wife gets so tired at her school.
Wow, she's got a school? No, Chris, we've been through this before.
She teaches in a school.
Anyway, you can't go yet cos we haven't done here.
I haven't told you the whole story.
Reggie, I Please don't tell me you love me.
I promised the Board that I would come up with a revolutionary new project to break open the grooming market.
Oh, great! What is it? Don't know, I haven't come up with one yet.
And I've got a feeling that the future of Groomtech depends on it.
Reggie, I may not have always sufficiently valued your contribution and your talent.
No, you haven't.
But this is a new beginning, a new start, a new dawn.
What do you say? Let me go, you psychopath? Xavier, it's gonna be a long night.
Get us in some sushi and some of that Japanese water, would you? No worries at all, Chris.
Right, come on, let's start rolling our sleeves up so we can get down to it.
Reggie, are you gonna roll up your sleeves? OK, sorry.
So there's nothing in a double ended razor that shaves both sides of the face at the same time.
I don't think that's a goer, Chris.
Fancy a go on my goo balls? No, thanks.
- Come in.
- Chris? - Jasmine.
- Reggie.
- Jasmine.
- Jasmine? Chris, marketing have got back to me with the names - you suggested for the new banana lip balm.
- Great! - Boots have already registered banana lip balm.
- Oh, shit.
Lip Porridge is apparently too obscure and Labia Magic just won't do.
Oh, bad luck.
Thanks Jas mine.
Women.
What the hell are they all about? Right, time I was off, Chris.
I've had three wives, all called Sarah.
God, what are the chances of that? No, no, I called them Sarah.
That wasn't their names.
It's just cos I like it.
They must have been thrilled.
I changed their names because I cared enough to want them to be perfect.
I respect marriage, Reggie.
I abhor adultery.
Do you? Yes, I do Chris.
Time I cycled home to my wife.
How long have you been with Sarah? - Nicola.
- Whatever.
16 years.
Oh, you must know each other pretty well.
Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you? Xavier, get us in a couple of lap dancers, would you? Xavier, make that one lap dancer.
Love the way it's all so unspoken.
Yes, unspoken.
That's always funny.
And it's so beautifully slow.
How many films did you say there were? Twenty.
Great.
- How's your injury? - Oh, it's fine.
Still, at least your face broke the fall.
You should be in this film.
Yes, I should, shouldn't I? Actually after 12 hours with Chris, a bike crash was quite refreshing.
How are we in the lady zone? - Still? - Yeah.
Sorry, Reggie.
No, no, no, don't be silly.
It's biology.
It's beautiful.
If a little inconvenient and accompanied by violent mood swings.
- Why don't I make us a cup of tea? - I'll do it.
- No, no, no, I'll do it, no really.
- Honestly, you enjoy.
That's not funny.
It's a comedy.
Come on, somebody fall over.
Oh, it's ridiculous.
Why can't I tell her I hate it? Why can't I be honest? Why is that ungrateful? Ah, fast forward, now you're funny, now you're moving around all fast.
"Coming to work at your place this weekend.
Seen you ten-ish, Chris.
"V excited.
" Yes, of course I texted him back to say don't come round, but he doesn't understand the word "no".
Or indeed the words "gel, emulsion, woman or please shut up".
Oh, it's the weekend.
You know, weekends are for shopping and inventing excuses to avoid seeing your mum and my dad.
Call me old fashioned but when the husband's boss comes home, are you supposed to look like you were dressed by the jumble sale fairy? Ah, you're right! Oh, my God! I'd better make an effort or you might lose your job and we'll all be in a horrible pickle! Oh! He's here and the souffle isn't ready! OK.
This'll work.
Try this.
Red coloured shaving cream, so when you cut yourself nobody notices.
That's actually a bit rubbish, isn't it? Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen.
I've baked these biscuits.
I hope you like them.
'Scuse me, I'm just going to turn the beds.
Yes, run along now, dear.
Nice to see a wife who's happy in her traditional role.
Yes, she's a treasure.
There's another issue I haven't mentioned to you, Reggie.
I recently signed a contract to spend your entire budget on a huge consignment of cheap disposable razors.
My entire budget? How cheap? Let's just say it turns out that nobody else wanted them cos they weren't very sharp.
And I need to explain that to the Board, too.
Were the home made biscuits acceptable? Please, Reggie, help me.
Got any Japanese water? No.
Right, how about this? Millions of not very sharp razors, hundreds of thousands of adolescents shaving for the first time, not used to holding a lethal blade in their hand, put them together.
Genius.
So they, they sharpen their own razor blades.
No.
What? No.
We market the blade for teenagers as My First Razor, stressing the gentleness of the blade.
It's the marketing equivalent of mellow instant coffee.
A caring blade in a hard-edged, dangerous world.
That is so inspired, Reggie.
If you take that to the Board, you've got your innovative new product, and got rid of your shoddy razor mountain in one fell swoop.
I didn't get where I am today without knowing how to say thank you, Reggie.
Cheers.
Your mother's here.
If that'll be all, I'll take the night orf! Yes, thanks, Toots.
Do that again, I will twist your bollocks off and leave them on our bird table.
Thanks, Sarah.
What have you done to your face? I was mauled by a puma hight street.
Who's he? I don't like the look of him.
Beginning to have doubts about your family, Reggie.
Why do you always pick such unsuitable friends? It's Paul Timlett all over again.
Lovely neat haircut and then he electrocutes all our fish.
What are you gawping at? Oh, you've had a hard week, haven't you? Oh, God.
Yeah.
Probably didn't help, me attacking your boss.
Oh, I don't know.
I know what'll cheer you up.
A nice hot bath and haw-hee-haw-hee-haw! - No! - What? Look, I know this may sound harsh but to be honest life couldn't get much worse at the moment.
I would rather die, literally die, than watch that film! You ungrateful bastard.
God, I'd much rather have read a book.
Ah, angry, anger, that's good, that's honest.
Everything will be all right if we are honest with each other.
I'll start the ball rolling.
I actually quite like pornography.
Your go.
All right I'll carry on.
I find your father desperately annoying.
I'm doing this because I love you.
Well, to be honest, you have just blown your chances of having sex with me, possibly for ever.
Ah, I don't think you've got the hang of this honesty thing.
Oh, no.
I think I have, Reggie.
Evening all.
Little bit awkward.
F up on the food front.
Bit of a rations crunch.
Dad, I'm glad you're here.
Reggie has been lecturing me about honesty.
Tell, tell him what you just said.
Evening all.
Little bit awkward.
F up on the.
Not you, him! I just, I said that sometimes Look, why don't we start this tomorrow? He said he found you desperately annoying.
With you on that, old boy.
Drive myself mad.
Got a cube of cheese? Fig roll? That sort of chap? I'm gonna go to bed.
I suggest you sleep down here.
I think the best pornography is on Channel 495.
483, isn't it? Oi! Stay there.
Do you want a bicycle? Go on, it's a good one, brand new, here we are, deliver papers.
- Every paper boy should have a that's - Great, thank you.
You're welcome.
Steady as you go.
Thought you were never getting on again.
Leave it.
My First Razor targeted at teenagers.
The marketing equivalent of mellow instant coffee and by this time the Board are literally on their knees applauding.
I'd have given my annual salary to have been there.
You are so lovely.
And then I hit them with the punch line.
It's a caring blade in a hard-edged, dangerous world.
You're actually quite good at this, Chris.
- Yes, I Hello, Reggie.
- Chris.
Sorry, did you make an appointment? No, I just wanted to see how your not so secret meeting in Hemel Hempstead went.
Yeah, yeah, brilliant, yeah.
All bases covered.
They literally lapped up my ideas.
What about my ideas? What? Well, you know, to be honest I thought that Sorry, what did you think? Chris, you said that you know toss-all about this company.
Does that sound like me? How about a celebratory supper? - Ooh, yum, yes.
- Poppadums.
- Not you.
- Absolutely, keep it small.
Not you.
Just Jasmine.
That will be delightful.
Thank you, Chris.
Bye, Reggie.
Ooh! Something I've been meaning to say, Reggie.
What? Cheer up.
You know?
Nice and positive.
- No.
Too old to whoop.
- Bit early isn't it? I'm sick of being 27 minutes late every day.
You look lovely.
ANT POISON HAVE SEX Avoid confusion.
HAVE SEX WITH WIFE We apologise for the delay.
This is due to like, a bush on the line.
' What? 27 minutes late.
Jumped out of the train in the Sutton area.
There's a rehearsal at 10.
30 for a terrorist attack alarm practice.
Thank you.
And the "huh-huh-huh" noise has been updated to a "neuaw-neuaw-neuaw" noise.
Just to warn you.
Morning, Reggie.
The Regorator.
Reg-manaparini.
- Regemite.
- Regemammawingwar.
- Registrar.
- Regetarian sausages.
- Regging your bets.
- Fruit and Reg.
Reg hot chilli peppers.
- Oh, he's gone.
- Yeah, what a guy.
- Yeah.
Well, we all get a little bit frustrated from time to time.
I jumped off a train.
We've all jumped off trains in moments of frustration.
In between stations? I had to scrabble up a steep grassy verge watched by hundreds of commuters.
They were taking pictures with their phones.
- Can I give you a leaflet? - I have all your leaflets.
Even my new one? Understanding Your Anger.
- Yes.
- Did you find it helpful? - No, it just made me angry.
- Okay.
Well, these are very healing.
Maybe you could get one.
Doesn't it make you want to go to the toilet all the time? Yes, it does.
So, what are your frustrations and issues in a nutshell? Death, earphones, pointless cobbled together leaflets, a sense that love is the answer coupled with a searing hatred of so many things, and people.
Ooh, that's quite a list.
Disposable razors, world over-population, fear of briefcases, fantasies, often violent.
Dark places, over-lit places, trains with windows you can't open, people who call me Regga Mamma Wingwah.
The urge to scream and a nostalgia for unwanted erections.
Who's a mixed up sausage? I am.
Whenever I feel frustrated, I ring my Nan, and we go for a nice bicycle ride.
Are you sure your Nan won't mind going cycling with a complete stranger? I'm barely here at the moment so please leave a cheeky message.
It's Chris.
Hello, Chris! Yes, I'm free to meet.
Oh, you say when.
No, no, you say, really you say OK, 11 o'clock this 12 o'clock tomorrow, fine.
Twat.
Sorry?! Yeah, it's gorgeous, Reggie.
It is, isn't it? - And who's going to ride it? - That'll be me.
You know this is the one where you have to pedal, don't you? You see the mistake I've been making all these years, don't you? You're gonna have to narrow it down.
I've been looking for a psychological cause for my stress and alienation, whereas it's probably all been physical.
Oh, and if it's exercise we're looking for, the writing's on the wall, isn't it? It's been too long.
It's the size it is, honey.
Couldn't we start sort of now-ish? Oh, God, no, I'm gonna be up half the night marking this lot.
Fair enough.
- Tomorrow night definitely.
- Absolutely.
Oh, it's got reverse too.
Oh, Jesus! You're joking, mate! No, a bit tired.
20 minutes cycling supposedly tiring.
Bikes aren't allowed on during rush hour.
- Do you want to get the bike off - Come on.
Oh, suddenly everybody wants to talk to me.
Where were you the last 25 years when I fancied a chat? Get off! Well, take a good look at this face, cos it's the last time you'll see it! - I thought you said - You know what I mean.
27 minutes late.
Came in by fricking bike.
- Are you gonna change your clothes? - Oh, yeah.
Imagine the confusion if I didn't look identical to all the other men in offices up and down the country.
Anyone got an iron? Hi, Reggie.
Hello, Jasmine.
Ointment for your bottom, Mr Perrin.
- Jasmine.
- Vicky.
I cycled into work.
Finding it hard to move.
Still, that's impressive.
Yes, took me 50 minutes to get here, from my office over there.
And I'm guessing you carried your suit in your back pack.
No, you've heard of crushed velvet.
Welcome to crushed polyester or Crumplene as we know it.
I know we were right not to get together but um .
.
yeah.
Can somebody rub ointment into my perineum please? Reggie? Oh, it's all right, Chris, I to it.
- My office, now.
- Right, OK, do my best.
Reggie.
- Chris.
You've got your desk back.
- Yes, that's right.
I felt I needed a barrier.
Is that a suit or a cry for help? How's work going on our chest hair trimmer? Oh, well to be honest, Chris, it's all going tits up.
I'll let that go.
So, it's been 12 months since I was head-hunted out of the animal foodstuff sector to come and run this company.
What a lovely surprise that was, Chris.
And back then I made some promises, and in a few days I've got to deliver on those promises at a top level meeting in a secret location in Hemel Hempstead.
Not such a secret location then, Chris.
Now, I'm an enabler.
I'm a facilitator.
A possibilitiser.
I love your use of language, Chris.
I open doors and I wedge those doors open with the wedge of my personality, and they stay open.
But there is an informational underspend in terms of my role here.
There is a cluster of knowledge shortfalls across certain parameters.
In other words, I know toss-all about what we do at this company.
So I need you to teach me.
- Teach you what? Everything.
- Why? Reggie, I'm in trouble here.
I could lose my job.
Markets are volatile.
Confidence in Groomtech could collapse and the little people will be out on their ear.
Vicky, Anthony, Trevor.
- Steve.
- Steve! Why?! And you'll be out of a job too, Reggie.
When shall we start? You didn't cycle to work, did you? Yes, I did.
Technically, the bike was in a taxi on the way back.
Still, well done.
Taxi fare from London, new bike.
I'm going to work by Lear Jet tomorrow which is a little bit cheaper, but hey, let's go bankrupt in style.
No, come on, I'm gonna ride to and from work from now on.
- Really? - Ãhüm.
OK.
Sorry, love, that is very impressive.
While we're on the subject, don't be shy, get your tongue in my ear.
I stopped off at an adult shop on the way home, which was full of toys of course, ironically.
I bought us some chocolate oysters for their aphrodisiac qualities and some truth or dare Hobnobs and a pair of liquorice pants.
That's my kind of supper.
Yeah, look, I'm I'm afraid I started today.
What? I'm riding the cotton pony.
- It's my monthly Ofsted - Yeah, I get it! - I'm sorry, sweetie.
Oh, we can have lots of cuddles.
Hooray! I knew you'd be disappointed so - You didn't! - What? Ask your friend Trixie over.
That is not funny, Reggie.
Sorry.
Churning testosterone.
OK.
You like France, right? - Yes.
- And you like comedy.
I do.
So, instead of you know, I have bought you a big boxed set of French comedy movies.
They were really expensive, Reggie! No, that, that's great.
French comedy.
So terribly subtle or just plain stupid.
- Oh, you cycled in again? - Well spotted, Vicky.
Have an employee alertness sticker.
How was it? Like child birth without baby at the end.
You should do what I do and come to work by train.
I can't do that now.
I'd risk humiliation in front of several dozen bike-phobic commuters, not to mention my doubting wife.
Oh, and Jasmine Strauss from Balms and Lubricants.
You might want to look away, Vicky.
I'm about to peel these shorts off and some of my genitals may come away with them.
Reggie, we hear that you've been having secret meetings with Chris.
That's so cool, it's frightening.
Yeah.
I'm almost physically frightened.
Come in.
Reggie, there's some rumours going around on the rumour doughnut.
Are our jobs safe? So an unguent is less sticky than an ointment but stickier than a lotion.
Yes.
How sticky is an astringent? Not sticky at all! - Correct.
- Yes! What's our most popular moisturiser? Avocado Mist.
And why didn't in Germany? Because mist means shit in German.
Expensive mistake.
What's our least popular moisturiser? Onion Moisturiser.
Soon to be replaced by? - Oh, Fuzzy Cucumber.
- Well done.
Xavier, bring in my executive goo balls would you? - Right, I'm off.
- No, sit down.
I think you're pretty much up to speed Chris, after 12 hours of tuition.
Now I understand why my wife gets so tired at her school.
Wow, she's got a school? No, Chris, we've been through this before.
She teaches in a school.
Anyway, you can't go yet cos we haven't done here.
I haven't told you the whole story.
Reggie, I Please don't tell me you love me.
I promised the Board that I would come up with a revolutionary new project to break open the grooming market.
Oh, great! What is it? Don't know, I haven't come up with one yet.
And I've got a feeling that the future of Groomtech depends on it.
Reggie, I may not have always sufficiently valued your contribution and your talent.
No, you haven't.
But this is a new beginning, a new start, a new dawn.
What do you say? Let me go, you psychopath? Xavier, it's gonna be a long night.
Get us in some sushi and some of that Japanese water, would you? No worries at all, Chris.
Right, come on, let's start rolling our sleeves up so we can get down to it.
Reggie, are you gonna roll up your sleeves? OK, sorry.
So there's nothing in a double ended razor that shaves both sides of the face at the same time.
I don't think that's a goer, Chris.
Fancy a go on my goo balls? No, thanks.
- Come in.
- Chris? - Jasmine.
- Reggie.
- Jasmine.
- Jasmine? Chris, marketing have got back to me with the names - you suggested for the new banana lip balm.
- Great! - Boots have already registered banana lip balm.
- Oh, shit.
Lip Porridge is apparently too obscure and Labia Magic just won't do.
Oh, bad luck.
Thanks Jas mine.
Women.
What the hell are they all about? Right, time I was off, Chris.
I've had three wives, all called Sarah.
God, what are the chances of that? No, no, I called them Sarah.
That wasn't their names.
It's just cos I like it.
They must have been thrilled.
I changed their names because I cared enough to want them to be perfect.
I respect marriage, Reggie.
I abhor adultery.
Do you? Yes, I do Chris.
Time I cycled home to my wife.
How long have you been with Sarah? - Nicola.
- Whatever.
16 years.
Oh, you must know each other pretty well.
Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you? Xavier, get us in a couple of lap dancers, would you? Xavier, make that one lap dancer.
Love the way it's all so unspoken.
Yes, unspoken.
That's always funny.
And it's so beautifully slow.
How many films did you say there were? Twenty.
Great.
- How's your injury? - Oh, it's fine.
Still, at least your face broke the fall.
You should be in this film.
Yes, I should, shouldn't I? Actually after 12 hours with Chris, a bike crash was quite refreshing.
How are we in the lady zone? - Still? - Yeah.
Sorry, Reggie.
No, no, no, don't be silly.
It's biology.
It's beautiful.
If a little inconvenient and accompanied by violent mood swings.
- Why don't I make us a cup of tea? - I'll do it.
- No, no, no, I'll do it, no really.
- Honestly, you enjoy.
That's not funny.
It's a comedy.
Come on, somebody fall over.
Oh, it's ridiculous.
Why can't I tell her I hate it? Why can't I be honest? Why is that ungrateful? Ah, fast forward, now you're funny, now you're moving around all fast.
"Coming to work at your place this weekend.
Seen you ten-ish, Chris.
"V excited.
" Yes, of course I texted him back to say don't come round, but he doesn't understand the word "no".
Or indeed the words "gel, emulsion, woman or please shut up".
Oh, it's the weekend.
You know, weekends are for shopping and inventing excuses to avoid seeing your mum and my dad.
Call me old fashioned but when the husband's boss comes home, are you supposed to look like you were dressed by the jumble sale fairy? Ah, you're right! Oh, my God! I'd better make an effort or you might lose your job and we'll all be in a horrible pickle! Oh! He's here and the souffle isn't ready! OK.
This'll work.
Try this.
Red coloured shaving cream, so when you cut yourself nobody notices.
That's actually a bit rubbish, isn't it? Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen.
I've baked these biscuits.
I hope you like them.
'Scuse me, I'm just going to turn the beds.
Yes, run along now, dear.
Nice to see a wife who's happy in her traditional role.
Yes, she's a treasure.
There's another issue I haven't mentioned to you, Reggie.
I recently signed a contract to spend your entire budget on a huge consignment of cheap disposable razors.
My entire budget? How cheap? Let's just say it turns out that nobody else wanted them cos they weren't very sharp.
And I need to explain that to the Board, too.
Were the home made biscuits acceptable? Please, Reggie, help me.
Got any Japanese water? No.
Right, how about this? Millions of not very sharp razors, hundreds of thousands of adolescents shaving for the first time, not used to holding a lethal blade in their hand, put them together.
Genius.
So they, they sharpen their own razor blades.
No.
What? No.
We market the blade for teenagers as My First Razor, stressing the gentleness of the blade.
It's the marketing equivalent of mellow instant coffee.
A caring blade in a hard-edged, dangerous world.
That is so inspired, Reggie.
If you take that to the Board, you've got your innovative new product, and got rid of your shoddy razor mountain in one fell swoop.
I didn't get where I am today without knowing how to say thank you, Reggie.
Cheers.
Your mother's here.
If that'll be all, I'll take the night orf! Yes, thanks, Toots.
Do that again, I will twist your bollocks off and leave them on our bird table.
Thanks, Sarah.
What have you done to your face? I was mauled by a puma hight street.
Who's he? I don't like the look of him.
Beginning to have doubts about your family, Reggie.
Why do you always pick such unsuitable friends? It's Paul Timlett all over again.
Lovely neat haircut and then he electrocutes all our fish.
What are you gawping at? Oh, you've had a hard week, haven't you? Oh, God.
Yeah.
Probably didn't help, me attacking your boss.
Oh, I don't know.
I know what'll cheer you up.
A nice hot bath and haw-hee-haw-hee-haw! - No! - What? Look, I know this may sound harsh but to be honest life couldn't get much worse at the moment.
I would rather die, literally die, than watch that film! You ungrateful bastard.
God, I'd much rather have read a book.
Ah, angry, anger, that's good, that's honest.
Everything will be all right if we are honest with each other.
I'll start the ball rolling.
I actually quite like pornography.
Your go.
All right I'll carry on.
I find your father desperately annoying.
I'm doing this because I love you.
Well, to be honest, you have just blown your chances of having sex with me, possibly for ever.
Ah, I don't think you've got the hang of this honesty thing.
Oh, no.
I think I have, Reggie.
Evening all.
Little bit awkward.
F up on the food front.
Bit of a rations crunch.
Dad, I'm glad you're here.
Reggie has been lecturing me about honesty.
Tell, tell him what you just said.
Evening all.
Little bit awkward.
F up on the.
Not you, him! I just, I said that sometimes Look, why don't we start this tomorrow? He said he found you desperately annoying.
With you on that, old boy.
Drive myself mad.
Got a cube of cheese? Fig roll? That sort of chap? I'm gonna go to bed.
I suggest you sleep down here.
I think the best pornography is on Channel 495.
483, isn't it? Oi! Stay there.
Do you want a bicycle? Go on, it's a good one, brand new, here we are, deliver papers.
- Every paper boy should have a that's - Great, thank you.
You're welcome.
Steady as you go.
Thought you were never getting on again.
Leave it.
My First Razor targeted at teenagers.
The marketing equivalent of mellow instant coffee and by this time the Board are literally on their knees applauding.
I'd have given my annual salary to have been there.
You are so lovely.
And then I hit them with the punch line.
It's a caring blade in a hard-edged, dangerous world.
You're actually quite good at this, Chris.
- Yes, I Hello, Reggie.
- Chris.
Sorry, did you make an appointment? No, I just wanted to see how your not so secret meeting in Hemel Hempstead went.
Yeah, yeah, brilliant, yeah.
All bases covered.
They literally lapped up my ideas.
What about my ideas? What? Well, you know, to be honest I thought that Sorry, what did you think? Chris, you said that you know toss-all about this company.
Does that sound like me? How about a celebratory supper? - Ooh, yum, yes.
- Poppadums.
- Not you.
- Absolutely, keep it small.
Not you.
Just Jasmine.
That will be delightful.
Thank you, Chris.
Bye, Reggie.
Ooh! Something I've been meaning to say, Reggie.
What? Cheer up.
You know?