Rel (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Hello, family.
Look, y'all, tonight is a very special episode of the Rel show.
Oh, if you don't know, I'm Lil Rel Howery, star of the Rel show.
(LAUGHS) And tonight we got a special Halloween episode for you.
As you know, I'm on Sunday nights with all these cartoons, and they do all these amazing Halloween episodes.
So tonight, we decided to do our very own Halloween episode.
That's right.
It's gonna be crazy.
(LAUGHS) I mean, it's a good chance it might end my career, but (LAUGHS) shibbity dobos, it is what it is.
(CHUCKLES) So, enjoy.
All right, look, look, I'm really excited about this.
I heard this movie is the best black Halloween movie since Blacula.
I mean, the bar is set pretty low, but it's supposed to be great.
Yeah, critics are calling this the feel-woke movie of the year.
Look, y'all, I'm excited, but it is a lot of hype.
Okay, come on now.
This is a young, black filmmaker and he made the wokest movie of the year.
The hype is justified.
Look, I'm just saying I don't like too much hype.
I been overhyped before.
Listen, we got to support all things black, all right? I love everything black.
My favorite fish? Blackened.
My favorite horse? Black Beauty.
My favorite white actor? Jack Black.
And see, Dad, that's what I'm talking about.
That is why we got to support what this moment is.
This is black excellence at its best.
Look what I did, right? I got the blackest snacks you could think of to celebrate that.
Look, I even got black licorice.
I mean, even though it's disgusting - Mm-hmm.
- still black.
(LAUGHS) Black is beautiful.
(LAUGHS) But this still nasty.
(LAUGHS) But look, let's get to this movie.
(ON TV): Dear diary, it is I, Frederick Douglass.
Just when I thought this world was as evil as it could be, it has once again proven that its depravity far exceeds my wildest expectations.
With abolitionists afoot in the South, the southern plantation owners begin to fear life without slavery.
Oh, God.
Another slave movie.
Oh, Brittany, calm down.
You know Kanye said slavery was a choice.
They made that choice so we have great movies like this.
Look, Brittany, slavery is emotional.
You know what I mean? They are stories of-of triumph over adversity.
Yeah, and it ain't just slavery, either.
Know what I'm saying? We do have great segregation films and amazing jail movies.
(GROANING, GRUNTING) (GROANING) (SHOUTS) ALL: Oh! DOUGLASS: There's only one thing I know for certain: all humans are created equal, but all zombies deserve to die.
(GUN COCKS, GUNSHOT) - (DAD LAUGHING) - BRITTANY: Damn.
All right, all right, I ain't see that coming.
- (LAUGHS) - (WHOOPS) This how we do it in the Chi On the West Side Where we always keep it tippin' Man, that ain't no lie Oh, oh, oh.
I always thought that you can improve any movie by adding zombies.
You know something, that's a great point, little brother.
I mean if Snakes on a Plane was Zombies on a Plane, man, Samuel L.
Jackson would've got an Oscar, man.
DOUGLASS: Fearing slavery would cease to exist, the Southern states attempted to create a free labor force of the undead, but the South did not realize that zombies could not be controlled.
They have now overrun our nation and I'm traveling to the one safe place left in this country, a land so green, so peaceful, with rivers of milk and honey: the West Side of Chicago.
Oh, oh, okay, man.
Now he trying to go to the crib, too.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Yeah, finally Chicago being represented in a positive light.
All right, look, I was wrong.
He repping the city, he killing zombies, I can't even be mad at him.
Look, Chicago ain't look this cool since Cooley High.
And, look, did y'all catch the symbolism, too? Like, look, the pen turns into a dagger.
It just symbolizes how strong words are.
(CHUCKLES) I'm woke.
Yeah, I don't know about that.
(WHOOSHING) DAD: Oh, no! Frederick, don't go out that door! Oh, nothing good rustles in bushes.
Man.
Reveal yourselves as humans or I'll kill you as the undead creatures you are Who are you? Harriet.
Harriet Tubman.
Oh, they got my girl Harriet in this movie? That's what I'm talking about.
Black girl magic.
The greatest conductor of the Underground Railroad.
Some folk call me Moses.
Who are you? I'm Frederick.
Frederick Douglass.
Ms.
Tubman, your your name precedes you.
I've always looked forward to look you look you in your eyes.
Oh, my God.
You are way, way more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.
You're not so bad yourself.
DOUGLASS: It was love at first sight.
BRITTANY: All right, what the hell is this? Oh, come on, Brittany, don't start.
Don't start what? They sexualizing Harriet Tubman.
So I'm-a start, Rel.
Look, I know I said support all things black, but I'm kind of uncomfortable sitting here watching this sex scene with my kids, especially between two historical black figures.
That's nasty, man.
Hold on, okay? Do y'all hear how unwoke y'all sound? Look, Brittany, you act like Harriet Tubman can't be a sex symbol.
Okay? She freed a bunch of people.
I tell you, the sexiest thing a woman can do for me if I was a slave is free me.
And Frederick Douglass, guys one of the smartest black men of all time.
Taught himself how to read and write.
I don't know how you do that, but hey, that's besides the point.
It's progressive.
Exactly.
Woke.
Listen, I'm all for Harriet being sexually empowered, but that scene was disgusting, Rel.
Okay, look, it's cinematic license, right? Tarantino killed Hitler in a movie theater.
Look, in Moonlight, you got three different people playing the same guy and none of 'em look alike.
Robert Downey Jr.
played blackface and almost got a BET Award.
Come on, y'all, let's just see where this goes.
Yo, I-I did like Tropic Thunder.
(CHUCKLES) You win.
Okay.
See? Now back to the lovemaking.
The only other thing that has brought me more joy is freedom.
Same.
Mmm.
Ms.
Tubman, you season one fine squirrel.
Well, I just followed the directions on the box.
(CHUCKLES) So, uh (CLEARS THROAT) the children, are they, uh? Oh, they're not mine, if that's what you're asking.
See, she was given to me by her mother, who was bit by a zombie, and I promised to protect the girl.
Then she brutally murdered my mother in front of me, but we're cool.
What about the boy? I don't know.
He doesn't speak.
I found him in an abandoned bush near Wichita.
So, amid all this turmoil, where is your destination? The West Side of Chicago.
(CHUCKLES) That's mine, too.
- Really? - Oh, yes, the West Side of Chicago.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I hear it's like heaven on Earth.
They got pastoral landscapes and fertile soil and zero zombie violence.
Well, I'd love to go there with you.
(CHUCKLES) It seems as fate has brought us together.
Before we travel, there's something you must know about me.
I sometimes suffer from fainting spells.
Good to know.
When you're with me, you'll always feel protected.
(ZOMBIE GROANING) Now, that's some odd behavior for a zombie.
That's odd behavior for a zombie, right? Told you.
Yeah.
Let's check it out.
Kids, stay close.
MAN: Thank you for joining me this evening.
I know you think we have nothing in common, but like you, I was lost in the wilderness, trying to feed my soul.
Before you try to eat me, I want you to think.
Think about who you are.
'Cause you can, you know.
You have a brain.
My zombie brothers and sisters, I am Malcolm X.
Just when I thought this movie couldn't get better, it does.
Black excellence.
I totally changed my life, and you can do the same thing.
Okay, I'm really doing my best, but what the hell is Malcolm X doing in 1855? You can't just remix history.
Why can't you, Brittany? Look, open your mind.
What if the filmmaker's trying to say that the struggle transcends time? Come on, now.
Malcolm X looking good.
Okay, I just want to point out 99% of these great reviews are written by white people.
I don't trust white people reviewing black stuff.
I mean, the simple, unfortunate reality is most critics are white.
But there's nothing we can do about that but to stay woke.
- Boy, if you say "woke" one more time - O-Okay, hey, hey.
MALCOLM X (ON TV): Look at yourselves.
I know you're dead, but there's no reason to walk around looking like this.
Just because you're ghostly doesn't mean you have to be ghastly.
Walking around with clothes all torn and tattered.
Look at you, sister.
Have some pride in yourself.
I press upon you to unify, to reform yourself, morally.
You got to quit getting drunk.
You got to quit doing drugs.
You got to quit fornicating and doing adultery, if there is a thing like zombie sex.
Stop it.
(CHUCKLES) We are not your enemy.
Look, I love hearing Malcolm X speak, but what is he even saying? Zombies don't drink, take drugs, or have sex.
And then, hold up are the zombies black or white? Like, who's the enemy? Okay, maybe what he's trying to say is that when you become the undead, there is no race.
You know, like, racism is man-made anyway, and it's used to control people.
So he's using zombies to teach us about humanity.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, that's deep.
Why do you eat the black man? Look, your body's already torn up.
Black men are full of sodium and pork and sugar.
You know what that does to a zombie body? You're already falling apart.
I implore upon you to wake up and join us in the fight.
Do not eat us.
Eat the enemy, by any means necessary.
(GUNSHOT) (GROWLS) Why? I had them.
They were about to change.
(GROANS) Sorry, brother zombie.
Had to hit him with my Malcolm X-ray glasses.
- God.
- (LAUGHS) Malcolm X is the original X-Man.
(LAUGHS) (CHILD SCREAMING) No! (GROWLING) (DISTORTED): No! That boy is the truth.
Oh, my God.
Yo, the zombie just died from biting the kid.
Yo, he's zombie poison.
Malcolm's right, that boy is the truth.
Look, we didn't land on this moment, this moment landed on us.
It's imperative that we take that boy to see a scientist.
I'm not trusting some crazed scientist with this boy's life.
We don't even know you.
Crazed scientist.
Give me your jelly sandwiches.
When will black folks learn to trust one another? TUBMAN: Mmm.
Oh, my God.
This sandwich is now perfectly balanced.
I don't know what this very strange but tasteful concoction is.
What is it? He calls it "peanut butter.
" Now, if George Washington Carver can do that with a peanut, think what he can do with this mute boy.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
It's about time they gave George Washington Carver his due as a scientist.
Most of the time he gets reduced to facts about peanuts during Black History Month.
My brother and sister, I know it's been a long trip.
It's a long and hard road to George Washington Carver, and we have to be prepared.
This store sells a camouflage of sorts, a purple haze that will momentarily repel a zombie.
Skrrrt, skrrt! - He's turned - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Relax, shorty.
I'm not a zombie, I just move a little slow, you know what I'm saying? I'm Offset from the Migos.
- Hippy hop, hippy hip.
- (WHOOPS) - And you know I got a hip.
Hey.
- (WHOOPING) People want it on the tip.
Hey.
(RAPS GIBBERISH) Hey.
REL: Hey, Dad, what are you doing? What happened? Man, this is ridiculous.
Where's Martin Luther King? He's the only black man with his own holiday.
I mean, where's Nat Turner? And this dude comes up with, like, what - Offtrack, Offbeat, Offswitch, Dipswitch - Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, it's called Offset.
His name is Offset.
We ain't watching this anymore.
Look Dad the movie is almost over.
You said we're gonna support everything black, all right? Let's just finish this movie as a family.
Yeah, it's okay, Dad.
Look, becoming woke is a process, okay? We need repellant to get to George Washington Carver.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) You talking about my special stuff? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I guess I could swing that, considering you run with this pretty, thick grown little mama, - you know what I'm saying? - Okay, okay, young man, uh, this is my woman you're talking about.
I am no man's woman.
The whole point of my life's work is that no one owns me.
All right, we'll figure out who she belongs to later.
The main thing is get this boy to George Washington Carver.
This boy is immune to the virus, but we have no money.
Man, how I know y'all ain't just hustling me, you know what I'm saying, for my my repellant? Young man, we're not hustling you, okay? We can prove it.
All we need is a zombie.
(GROWLING) Hey, how's my mutey pie? Go on, let that man bite you.
Come on.
Come on.
Aw, y'all are some sick-ass folk.
(HISSES) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What What am I doing making this repellant when y'all about to make a killing on this vaccine? Forget all that.
Hey, look.
I'm coming with y'all.
TUBMAN: Wait a minute.
I think I'm having one of my fai - What happened? - What? Harry? Don't worry about it.
That's what she do.
She'll be okay.
She'll wake up in a few hours good as new.
Just gonna leave her on the floor? (GROWLING) Aah! No! Damn.
So what's Harriet gonna do now, man? She just got bit.
If I got bit I wouldn't tell y'all.
No, I wouldn't.
I would just walk up on you and smile, like I'm about to give you a loving hug (GROWLING) - Dead.
(CHUCKLES) - Wait, wait.
So you'll kill both your sons? And Brittany, too.
Yeah, b-because I love y'all.
I want to keep the family together.
I'm not gonna be that stereotypical, undead black man who leaves his kids.
Okay, Hope you slept well.
We got a long journey to go.
Frederick, I want you to know I love you, but you have to go without me.
Wait, are you trying to break up with me? I get it, I'm a, I'm a great orator and most women find out, they get all intimidated 'cause, "Oh, man, you speak everywhere.
People love talking to you.
You know, you" Stop talking.
I can't go with you because I've been bitten.
- Oh, God, zombie! - (GUNSHOT) Damn.
Ay, okay.
Okay, maybe the filmmaker's trying to say that the NRA is trying to Look, I got nothing, man.
I got nothing.
Okay, this whole entire time I've been, trying to be positive about this movie, but it's freaking terrible, all right? What's so woke about shooting Harriet Tubman like that? And has anyone noticed the misogyny at all? A lady zombie bit Harriet, and then they shot her.
And all the men still alive.
If liking this movie is what's being woke, then I'm-a go right back to sleep.
Look, I'm all for supporting black art, but this is what happens when you give the wrong black people money.
REL: Okay, look, I don't care what the critics say, this movie is insane.
But-but when you think about it.
Look, aren't y'all tired of all black mainstream movies having to be important? I mean, this movie is not important at all.
It is weird and it's pointless.
And white people get to make weird and pointless movies all the time.
So, just maybe, this movie being made is progress.
(SHORT CHUCKLE) Black mediocrity.
(LAUGHS) That's right.
You know something, look, guys, what we need to do we need to go out in these streets and let everybody know this movie is great before white people find out that we think it sucks.
Absolutely.
Yup, already tweeted I loved it.
- And I re-tweeted you.
- Saw that.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
Great work.
All right, let's now let's finish this garbage.
Voilà.
The vaccine.
What about the boy? Will he be okay? Of course he will.
I've been feeding him homegrown, organic, sweet potatoes.
He'll be talking in five seconds.
Five, four, three, two H-Hi.
Wait a minute.
Y-Young man, um what is your name? Barack Obama.
ALL: Wow.
(CHUCKLING): Oh, man.
See, that's how you make a great movie right there.
You-you take people on a ride and you confuse them, and then at the end, you have this amazing moment.
(LAUGHS) - Want to watch it again? - Hell no.
You can't have Harriet Tubman getting nasty on the other side.
- Damn.
- Damn it! (LAUGHS) The gods don't want us to speak about Harriet.
Like, zombies don't drink, have sex, or take drugs.
- SINBAD: Drink much? - (LAUGHING) He called it "peanut butter.
" Now, if George Washington Carver can do that with a peanut, think what he can do with that mute boy right there.
Y'all see what he does with celery sticks.
(LAUGHING)