Remington Steele (1982) s01e05 Episode Script

The Five Nudes of Cairo.
You're here to steal it.
No, darling.
You are.
- He's stolen it once already.
- I know him better than that.
- [Muffled Scream.]
- [Tires Screeching.]
I was kidnapped by someone named Gutman, coming out of your apartment.
I knew we shouldn't have accepted this case.
You might try an explanation of your actions.
How about stealing the painting with me tonight? - You've done this before, haven't you? - What makes you think that? - [Groans.]
- [Alarm Ringing.]
[Alarm Continues.]
[Laura.]
Try this for a deep, dark secret The great detective Remington Steele? He doesn't exist.
I invented him.
Follow I always loved excitement.
So I studied and apprenticed and put my name on an office.
But absolutely nobody knocked down my door.
A female private investigator seemed so feminine.
So I invented a superior.
A decidedly masculine superior.
Suddenly, there were cases around the block.
It was working like a charm.
Until the day he walked in with his blue eyes and mysterious past.
And before I knew it he assumed Remington Steele's identity.
Now I do the work, and he takes the bows.
It's a dangerous way to live but as long as people buy it I can get thejob done.
We never mix business with pleasure.
Well, almost never.
I don't even know his real name.
¢Ü¢Ü [Continues.]
[Electronic Ticking.]
[Ticking More Rapidly.]
[Alarm Ringing.]
[Alarm Continues.]
- The Five Nudes of Cairo.
- Then you're familiar with the painting? - Only from my reading.
- Possibly our most important acquisition.
It represents the absolute peak of Fouchard's career.
And it was actually painted on Egyptian ground during The building of the Suez Canal.
I see your reading must be quite extensive.
The work does have a rather colorful history.
We have good reason to believe this is what the thief was after.
Which is why I must insist we remove it from display and place it in the vault immediately or give it to Mr.
Steele for safekeeping.
Out of the question.
The insurance company will only cover us if the painting remains in the museum.
Besides, the exhibit is due to open tomorrow the promotion, the media campaign we're simply too close to stop all that.
Mr.
Steele, please explain to this philistine that if we lose the painting, there will be no exhibit.
Now spare us your precious temper, Achmed.
The alarm system proved effective enough and I'm confident Mr.
Steele knows how to catch a thief.
Alarm systems? I tell you, Steele.
This thief will not sleep until the nudes are in his arms.
Yes, well, I appreciate your mutual concern of the situation, gentlemen.
However, I'm afraid there's nothing my agency can do for you.
- What? - I'd only be too glad to suggest some others if you'd like.
But you come so highly recommended.
I realize the money may be less than you're accustomed to It's not the money, Edward.
It's the curse, isn't it? This really isn't necessary.
It was only a small dent.
I said I'd pay I'm very late.
Just tell it to the insurance company.
Oh, excuse me - Oh, I believe the moving violation is yours too.
- [Elevator Bell Dings.]
You'll have to call my insurance company and pay for this but before that, I want to know what my schedule looks like this week.
You know the museum people are in there already pouring out their problems - I thought I asked about my schedule.
- Yes, ma'am.
The schedule this week: Light to moderate, scattered lunches.
Not good enough.
By punch-out time today I want it wall-to-wall [Claps Hands.]
Understand? You're right.
"Have a nice day" has lost all its meaning.
Surely, Mr.
Steele, you don't subscribe to all that superstitious nonsense? Not in so many words.
Ah, Miss Holt, my associate, gentlemen.
Edward Coxworth.
I believe it was you I spoke with on the phone.
- Yes, of course.
- And our curator, Achmed Kalil.
A pleasure particularly if you can help persuade Mr.
Steele to accept our cause.
- [Groans Softly.]
- I beg your pardon? Well, I had the impression from our phone conversation that your agency could help us but Mr.
Steele feels his caseload is already overwhelming.
- Does he really? - Oh, well with the Murphy affair, and the Wolfe case.
Ah, yes, the Wolfe case.
Well, as a matter of fact something urgent has just come up.
If you could spare a moment of your time, sir.
With your permission, gentlemen.
- You turned them down? - Believe me.
We want no part of this one.
Falling in love with our letterhead again, are we? Since when do you decide which cases I'm going to take? This picture has a very nasty background.
I was only thinking of the agency.
Well, the agency has bills to pay and a reputation to maintain.
Surely, then, there's a missing person we can find.
- Afraid not.
- An unsolved murder that's baffled the finest minds in law enforcement.
- Fresh out.
- A child weeping for his lost cocker spaniel? - Really.
- Laura I realize we haven't known each other very long and refusing this case may cost the agency.
Nonetheless, with no questions asked, no explanations demanded I'm simply asking that you accept my instincts about this on faith and trust me.
Well, I'm very pleased that you could see your way clear to help us.
A case simply too compelling to ignore.
- And apparently a most persuasive associate.
- We'll be expecting you soon.
Come, Achmed.
Has Murphy come up with that museum research I asked for? L Miss Wolfe, does it strike you that Laura seems unusually Wired? Cranky? Bent out of shape? In a word.
Any reason for the cause? Well, she did ask me to overload her schedule once before - when she was expecting - Somebody call for the car.
Tell Murphy I need to see him as soon as he can get to us.
As usual, you've been an enormous help, Miss Wolfe.
Laura, I don't mean to pry, but if something's happened I'm fine and we've got work to do.
- But you're - Look, I don't know what your problem with this case is but you're beginning to sound a lot like my [Woman.]
Hello? Anybody home? Mother.
- Mother? - [Sighs.]
Oh, Laura, dear.
Oh.
Still have to wear your hair up, I see.
Hello, Mother.
You know I would've picked you up at the airport.
Oh, that's all right.
I mean, the cab drivers have to get rich on somebody's money.
[Sighs.]
Uh, you remember Bernice.
- Of course.
It's been so long.
You're well? - Very.
And who might this be? Who? Uh, um Oh, this is - Remington Steele.
- So you're Laura's mother.
- At last I get to meet her boss.
- Heard a lot about me, have you? - Not really.
- I'm afraid we have to run right now.
- Not really.
- I'm afraid we have to run right now.
Bernice can get you settled at the house.
- Maybe we could have dinner together.
- Splendid idea.
I know just the place.
In fact, the very table.
- Oh? - Don't you have some previous engagement - Mr.
Steele? - Oh, I'll cancel whoever it is.
- Until tonight then, ah - Abigail.
- Abigail.
- We mustn't be late, Mr.
Steele.
You know, these offices aren't really bad at all.
You mean to tell me you haven't spent any time with your mother in nearly three years? We don't communicate very well.
Thank you.
It appears the thief came in through that skylight up there got a rope over the rafter and disconnected the floor alarm here.
But she gave you life, nurtured you from infancy - Can we just drop it, please? - The case? - My mother.
- Sorry.
- I didn't realize she was such a jolt to your equilibrium.
- There's nothing wrong with my - Excuse me.
- Steele, here is that device used on the laser systems.
I assume the alarms on the outside of the building were cut by the thief as well.
No, I don't think so.
But I'll have them checked.
Come, please, the painting is this way.
With the exhibition only a day away we thought it best not to inform the police.
If the choice were mine, I'd cancel it altogether and lock the Fouchard away, alas.
Ah, my assistant Katherine Simone.
- Miss Holt.
- Hello.
- How do you do? - Mr.
Steele.
- Thank you for responding so quickly.
It was Katherine who first suggested your agency to us.
You say the alarm in this room is what stopped him? What kind of alarm was it? Forgive me but our insurance agency forbids our revealing.
Yes, of course, we understand.
I knew when we acquired the nudes there would be trouble.
- The curse.
- The curse? The women's religion forbids them from appearing nude in front of any man except their husband.
Somehow Fouchard managed to get them to pose for him.
I need to see you alone, tonight.
- Where? - I'll find you.
Anyway, the reigning pasha got wind of this so he tried to have the picture destroyed.
But it was smuggled out of the country, so he placed a curse on anyone who dared to possess it.
Sounds rather bizarre, doesn't it? Not to the last five owners.
They were all killed accidentally, of course.
Shall we all proceed this way? - [Sighs.]
- Katherine, wasn't it? And I always thought Felicia suited you so much better.
You're hardly one to talk of names, Mr.
Steele.
- Have you missed me? - Whenever possible.
Poetic that the nudes should bring us back together again, isn't it? Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
- You're here to steal it.
- No, darling.
You are.
Mr.
Steele? Would you care to join us? - Remarkable sculptor that Rodin.
- It's a Catelli.
Mm-hmm.
I still love it.
Miss Holt.
[Water Running.]
Mother, you don't have to clean my bathroom.
It'll aggravate your asthma.
Oh.
Well, you know how I hate mess.
Have you spoken to Frances recently? I called her on her birthday, all right? - But did you really listen to her? - Mother Your sister has done very well for herself, Laura.
You could take a lesson from her.
Do you know that her husband, Donald's company now owns twelve athletic footwear stores? I stopped counting at seven.
Well, do you have any idea how far the jogging shoe has come in the past five years? - [Doorbell Rings.]
- I have to go answer the door now, Mother.
Always running somewhere.
- Hello, partner.
- Hi.
I got the background information on that painting you asked for.
- So, where's your mother? - Cleaning the bathroom.
- You made your mother clean the bathroom? - I didn't make Look, just give me the highlights, all right? Okay.
All right, The Five Nudes of Cairo They've been through a lot of hands and, yes, most of them are not around to talk about it anymore.
But get this apparently, six years ago the painting was stolen from a private collector by a woman and a guy calling himself Michael O'Leary.
- Ring any bells? - Michael O'Leary.
Wait a minute.
When we first investigated our priceless Remington Steele didn't we come across five passports with five different names? - One of them was for a - Michael O'Leary.
- But you're not seriously suggesting - Think about it.
If he really is a thief, what better place for him to watch for a big score to come along than in a detective agency? But he didn't even want us to take the case.
Less interference that way.
I'm telling you, Laura.
He's been waiting for an opportunity like this.
And there's nothing to keep him from lifting the canvas and leaving our agency to take the rap for it.
He's stolen it once already.
I think you're jumping to conclusions.
I know him better than that.
No, you don't.
Then we'll both try and keep an open mind about it.
In the meantime, I want you to run a check on the museum's employees.
Those outside alarms weren't cut so whoever went after that painting already had access to the museum.
Okay.
And you call me if you need me, all right? Mm-hmm.
Is your mother really in there cleaning the bathroom? [Abigail.]
She has a loving husband with a thriving business.
[Laura.]
I'm thrilled for Frances.
[Abigail.]
Why is it so awful to settle down with someone like Donald? Because I don't want to marry a pair of jogging shoes, that's why.
Who's asking for that? There are other alternatives, you know.
- Do you really mean that? - Of course.
Take your Mr.
Steele, for instance.
I bet there's a catch and a half.
Mother, men aren't fish anymore.
And my line isn't out there to hook a big one and reel him in.
Well, your line has to be somewhere.
I'm a licensed private investigator, remember? I only wish I understood exactly what that is.
Are you coming upstairs with me or not? No, thank you.
I will just sit here and wait and collect myself.
[Door Buzzer Buzzes.]
Ah, Laura.
Isn't Abigail with you? - She's downstairs in the car.
- Ah! Sorry I'm not dressed yet.
Wonderful.
Pleasant reunion? Just peachy.
Do you have any aspirin? I was just curious why you were so anxious not to take this case.
Why, the curse, of course.
You never struck me before as the superstitious type.
A minor flaw in an otherwise stainless Steele.
For some, it's walking under ladders, black cats opening umbrellas indoors.
For you it just happens to be paintings with curses.
- Particularly those with a track record.
- Mm.
Tell me How do you feel about Irish names? Any favorites? Irish names? Irish names.
Hmm.
I once knew an O'Casey I was rather fond of.
Mm.
How about an O'Leary? Remington, be a dear and fix me another one of your fabulous Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
I didn't realize you were expecting someone else.
I'm a touch surprised myself.
Miss Bolt, isn't it? - Holt.
- Is she here on business or did you have something wicked in mind? A shame I didn't know about it sooner, sounds like fun but I have my mother downstairs.
Oh, that's too kinky for my blood.
Well, I won't hold up the action any longer.
I'll give Mother your apologies, Mr.
Steele.
Laura, would you believe me if I said I have absolutely no idea how that woman got into my bedroom or my bathrobe? - Not a chance.
- Just thought I'd ask.
[Groans.]
[Muffled Screams.]
Formidable entrance, Felicia.
- Wasn't it though.
- The front door too traditional for you? Too dangerous.
There are some desperate men looking for me right now.
Oh, so you thought you'd pop in and tell me all about it.
Well, the evening does seem to be ours now, doesn't it? Excuse me, miss! Miss! Please get the door? Thanks a lot.
Thanks very much.
Hey, I hate to bother you again, but is that your car out there? - I think it's blocking our van.
- My daughter parked it there.
- I'll move it for you.
- Thanks a lot.
That's a really big help.
I really appreciate that.
You swindled a small fortune from this Gutman character, is that it? I had every intention of paying him back in Monte Carlo with interest but dice can be so cruel.
You know, he threatened me with some rather grisly results if I didn't find a way to make amends.
Why do it with The Five Nudes of Cairo? As I recall, the insurance company we recovered it for showed their gratitude by not paying us.
Sentimental reasons? I just happened to chance upon a photograph of the famous Remington Steele and when the painting happened to be in the same city - Kismet.
- I knew you'd only be too willing to help if I Iost my footing.
Must you get dressed? You know, Felicia, I detect a note of blackmail in your voice.
Oh, it sounds so tacky when you put it like that.
Instead, why don't we simply steal the painting together again disappear to someplace decadent, and brush up on our bacchanalian whirl? I'm afraid I'm all whirled out these days.
Well, surely being Remington Steele can't be all that much fun? You'd be surprised.
But I'd so hate to expose him to the world as a fraud.
What an awful flap.
And that lovely associate of yours Won't she be crushed when she finds out you're not really Remington Steele? Mortally, I'm sure.
Well, then, have we reached an understanding? It seems you've left me with little choice.
Hardly.
The choices are just beginning.
You know, darling, if I didn't know you better I'd say some woman's finally caught you by the heart.
What makes you say a ridiculous thing like that? Well, you hardly seem glad to see me at all but it's not just that.
There's a new feel about you, as if you've been - What? - Smitten.
[Door Buzzer Buzzes.]
- Excuse me.
- [Buzzing Continues.]
- Abigail! - I like to consider myself a patient person but if Laura thinks she can just leave me sitting down there by myself You mean she's not with you? Well, Felicia, you disappoint me.
First you fail to deliver the painting on time and then you go running to a famous detective.
You fool! This is not her! Oh, no, Gutman.
You're not getting out of paying me this time.
But you've snatched the wrong woman! You told me to grab the woman in Steele's apartment, right? Well, this woman came out of that apartment, and I grabbed her.
[Groaning.]
I should know better than to hire a man who pumps iron for a living.
Hey, my body is my temple, so you just lay off.
Well, this is not Felicia, but she might know something.
- I want you to make her talk.
- Well, that'll cost you extra.
No, it won't.
I'll just call a cab or something.
- Grab her, Sherman.
- [Gasping, Coughing.]
- Well, what's happening? - I don't know.
She can't breathe.
- Well, get her some water.
- [Gasping.]
[Gasping, Coughing.]
My purse! [Coughing.]
- Sherman! - [Tires Screeching.]
Laura has always been a very sensitive girl my middle one.
We had a fight in the car on the way over, and I guess that's why she left.
Ah.
I'm afraid she was rather out of sorts with me as well.
I remember one time we thought she'd run away from home.
- But you found her? - Yes, in the laundry hamper.
I already checked.
I hope you won't take this the wrong way, Mr.
Steele but the truth is I just cannot bear to tell Laura's grandmother what she really does.
No? What do you tell her instead? That she's a dental assistant with great prospects of marriage.
Is that awful of me? To create a complete fiction about someone like that? Sounds more like a family trait.
I did it! [Laughs.]
I got away! Pay the cab driver! Let's see what I got.
Mother! Mr.
Steele! Laura, look at you! Mother, you should've seen me.
I was brilliant! Laura, Mr.
Steele was kind enough to ask us to dinner.
You disappear for over two hours show up looking like this, and call it brilliant? Well, I certainly don't! Mother, you don't understand! Damn! Try and be patient with her, Laura.
That's more than she expects from a dental assistant.
- What? - [Doorbell Rings.]
The cab driver.
Here, keep the change.
You've had some sort of mishap.
Are you all right? I was kidnapped by someone named Gutman, coming out of your apartment.
- I knew we shouldn't have accepted this case.
- What do you know about this? We could still drop it and take off for a brief vacation.
- New Zealand, perhaps.
- I asked you a question! - Laura, it's important you not jump to any hasty conclusions.
- Who is this Gutman? - This is a dangerous situation.
- What about this woman Felicia? - I nearly got my neck broken.
- Mutual trust is essential for us to survive.
- So, please try and have a little faith! - [Knocking.]
- [Gasps.]
- Kalil.
It's the curse.
- Is he? - I'm afraid so.
- Laura.
- Oh, God! This isn't happening.
My mother is not going to find a dead body in my house.
- Laura.
- Hello, Mother.
Laura, I'm sorry I lost my head a moment ago But, not that I forgive your behavior but it was wrong of me to say so in front of your employer.
- That's all right, Mother.
- I know but I feel that I owe Mr.
Steele an apology as well.
Oh, no, it really isn't necessary.
- I think it is.
- But Mr.
Steele is with a client right now.
- Here? At this hour? - He just dropped in.
Well, it'll only take a moment.
- I'm sure he'll understand.
- Mother! Fascinating piece of evidence, Achmed.
Mm-hmm.
Ah, Abigail, Laura.
Something I can do for you? No.
No, I just wanted to apologize for my outburst a little while ago.
Barely remembered it.
Would you care to join us? No.
It's been a very difficult evening.
I think I'll just turn in.
Good night, Mr.
Steele.
Good night, dear.
Good night, Mother.
- Oh, and good night to you Mr - Kalil.
Sleep well.
[Sighs.]
Pardon? I hope you know what's going on because our titular head phoned me at 6:00 this morning with a hell of a shopping list.
Look at that.
- A hundred feet of nylon rope, six pounds of marbles - A spear gun? He told me to go out and rent a dark station wagon with a big engine.
Have you come up with anything more on the museum staff? Yeah, so far, they all check out okay.
And what about the assistant curator? - Katherine Simone? - Mm-hmm.
She's only worked for the museum a couple of months.
- I'd have to dig a little deeper.
- Dig.
- What am I looking for? - Felicia.
And see what you can find out about someone named Gutman.
How long are you gonna let this one go on, Laura? I don't know.
- I'm troubled.
- If it's about Kalil, don't be.
The police found him this morning in a phone booth.
Not far from where you live actually.
Thank you, but that doesn't really alter the situation.
Which situation is that? I'm no longer sure our arrangement is in the best interest of this agency.
- We're close to that point, are we? - Perilously.
Is there any way back from the edge? You might try an explanation of your actions.
Suppose I said I was only out to protect the good of the agency? I wish I could believe that.
Keep trying.
How about an old lover, in desperate trouble has suddenly reappeared and is blackmailing me into criminal behavior? Maybe this was a bad idea.
Are you really telling me the truth? - I think I'm trying.
- I think I need more than that.
Something Some statement or gesture that indicates you appreciate the gravity of this situation.
How about stealing the painting with me tonight? That wasn't it.
- This can't be it.
- Look, I know it sounds twisted but it does make a certain amount of sense.
Laura, we were hired to catch the thief.
And the thief is after the painting.
So, if we have it, then the thief is forced to come to us.
But what if he's the thief? Then I'd be the last person he'd ask to help him, right? Well, who knows with this guy? You said yourself, he's twisted.
Well, I can't very well go to the museum or the police and tell them we suspect the head of our own agency, now, can I? At least this way, I know what he's doing and where the painting is.
Look, just don't turn your back on him.
Turn back? Nonsense.
We're right on schedule.
Ready? Keep the engine warm and the eyes sharp, old chap.
I know exactly what to do, old chap and so help me you split one hair too many, I'll do it.
Nice to know that backup's there.
[Sighs.]
[Laura.]
How do we get in? The roof, the window, the subbasement? I thought the service entrance would be simpler.
A little going-away present from Kalil.
[Door Closes.]
They've put on a lot of extra guards.
Mm.
That may just come in handy.
Come on.
[Laura.]
There's the alarm box.
[Steele.]
We'll never get through that in time.
Maybe we'd better take a rain check on this.
Hand me that spear gun.
Spear gun? Here.
Pull this through gently.
- You've done this before, haven't you? - What makes you think that? - [Groans, Sighs.]
- Stimulating, wasn't it? Different.
Shall we continue? I was hoping you'd say that.
[Electronic Whirring.]
[Whispering.]
What's that? An excellent cognac.
Care for a touch? - No, I couldn't.
- Ah.
[Footsteps.]
Well, maybe just a touch.
- To our first time, eh? - To our only time.
I don't intend to make this a frequent aspect of our work.
A pity, really.
There are so few forms of true intimacy left.
This isn't a date, you know.
It certainly beats a night in the laundry hamper.
[Laura.]
How are we going to get through those lasers? I'm sure they've re-shielded that other alarm as well.
I thought we'd ask the monsters to escort us.
Wind.
[Sighs.]
- No, sir, I'm not playing my radio anymore.
- [Electronic Whirring.]
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir, everything's fine so far.
Right.
Okay.
- Nobody stifles Stokowski.
- [Electronic Beeping.]
[Electronic Beeping.]
[Whirring Stops.]
[Beeping Continues.]
Won't they start searching for someone now? Eventually.
But most museum guards hesitate to report an army of little green monsters marching at them.
[Chuckles.]
It looks bad on their record.
You know, you're very good at this.
I think you just made my evening.
And here was I, beginning to think you didn't like me.
I do, some.
- But not all? - Only the parts I know.
- And the parts you don't? - They frighten me a little.
Fear can be a most intoxicating brew.
- Promise me something.
- What? You'll never tell my mother about this.
[Man.]
Hey, Flynn, come here.
! Get a look at these.
! I truly hate for this to end, but I think it's time we parted company.
- What? - I'm still guessing about the alarm around the painting itself.
If I'm wrong, and it goes off, I'm going to need you to create a diversion.
But don't you want any help to get around it or something? I suspect it's some sort of heat-sensitive device.
In which case, two warm bodies would only set it off that much faster.
I really think we should stay together.
You almost sound as if you didn't trust me.
[Footsteps.]
No, sir.
Now, look, I have not been drinking.
Now, the other guys can verify that.
Right? Right! Hello again, my lovelies.
Do try and be gentle with me this time.
[Electronic Ticking.]
Cover up ladies.
You're liable to catch a chill.
I was always a cut above the rest, don't you think? No, sir, I didn't turn off the alarm.
- [Electronic Whirring.]
- [Alarms Ringing.]
Come on, you guys.
Get out there.
Now spread out, will you! [Shouting.]
Quick! They got the painting.
Follow them.
They went that way! - [Both Grunting.]
- Well, well, we caught one! Now go turn off the alarm.
Come on, baby.
- But I can explain.
- Oh, sure.
I've got somebody who wants to listen to that story too.
Hey, you, go check the grounds.
There might be another one.
Hey! Get going! Come on.
Thank you for posting the bail.
I fed your fish.
And your refrigerator was half full so I picked up some things at the supermarket.
There were some messages on your machine.
Mother! I just spent the night in jail.
That would've been all right in the '60s.
- Everyone's children went to jail in the '60s.
- My timing is lousy! Are you all right? I mean, I have read about women in prison.
Laura! I'm sorry I didn't get here any sooner but I've spent the night looking for somebody.
- Hello, Murphy.
- Hello, Mrs.
Holt.
Are you all right? [Both.]
I think so.
This someone you're looking for, you don't mean - I told you it was gonna happen.
He set us up.
- Who? - Maybe - Maybe? No.
He's gone, Laura.
How much more do you need? There might still be a good explanation.
- For what? - What are you protecting him for? I'm only thinking of the agency.
So you keep telling me.
Just exactly what went on in there last night? Ah, you know about women in prison, too, don't you? Miss Holt, since midnight I have been trying, without success to reach Mr.
Steele.
You, on the other hand, are painfully easy to locate.
Mr.
Coxworth, I assure you.
There's a good - a very good explanation.
- Explanation? My curator has been murdered a painting worth several million dollars has disappeared - and the exhibit around it is set to open in a few hours.
- I assure you.
The agency is doing everything in its power Power? You and that agency, Miss Holt, are in no position to assure anything.
What your actions lack in competence, they may yet make up for by being criminal.
- I beg your pardon! - Now, Mrs.
Holt How dare you talk to her like that! Laura may have her faults, but she is not incompetent and she is certainly not a criminal.
- Who is this woman? - Mother She is intelligent and capable, and your problems give you no call to slander her.
- Mother - There are laws against that.
! Mother, please! Mr.
Coxworth, you hired Remington Steele because of his impeccable reputation.
That was before I knew he took on relatives.
I still suggest you should reserve judgment until Mr.
Steele personally, can present us with all the facts.
Never mind who this is if your department's interested in finding Kalil's murderer you'll proceed at once to the address I gave you.
His name is Gutman, and his car is a silver four-door of the German persuasion.
In it you'll find some of Kalil's personal effects if not the murder weapon itself.
Funny, I could've sworn this was my car.
- Oh, well, my mistake.
- Uh-uh.
Well, Mr.
Steele when dealing with The Five Nudes of Cairo - one can't be too careful.
- So I've gathered.
You called and promised me the painting but it doesn't seem to be in your apartment.
Let's all go someplace quiet.
You don't mind driving, do you? I prefer to walk actually but I'm flexible.
Fasten your seat belts, please.
I mean, do you have any idea what Mr.
Steele might say if he hears about this? - Nothing? - Not on this end.
- Murphy still out looking? - Uh-huh.
- I put some fresh clothes in your office.
- Great.
I'll go back to his apartment and check.
- And there's someone here from the museum to see you.
- Oh, not another one.
- Now, Laura, if he's from the museum - Mother, please, please.
Look, call in every hour no matter what.
All right? If we don't find him, that's it for us, isn't it? You really think he's gone for good too? Hey, me I'm not worried about.
All I'll lose is a job.
[Sighs.]
Miss Simone Or should I say Felicia? Well, then, I guess he's told you everything.
Well, not exactly everything.
You know, I came here looking for a blue ribbon catfight but now, there hardly seems much point in all that scratching and spitting.
I only tried the blackmail gambit because I needed his help so badly.
- To steal the painting? - It was the only way to get Gutman off my back.
The truth is I never would've exposed him.
- You mean as Michael O'Leary? - Oh, that's not his real name.
You know what it is? I doubt there's anyone who knows that.
But if across some satin pillow he should tell you I'll expect a telegram that much you can let me have.
- I don't think you understand.
Ours is purely - Oh, I understand all right.
He stood me up to steal the painting with you.
[Chuckles.]
Strange, you never struck me as his type.
[Inhales.]
Me neither.
- [Phone Rings.]
- Hello? - Miss Wolfe? - No, she stepped out.
Can I help you? - Abigail, is that you? - Ah, Mr.
Steele.
Abigail, is Laura there? - No, she's in a meeting.
- Interrupt her.
It's important I speak to her right away.
The painting.
If it's about her being in jail last night, Mr.
Steele I just want you to know that nothing like this has ever happened before.
And whatever went wrong, I know that she meant well.
It's been a very difficult evening and I just don't want you to be upset with her.
I'm not upset with her, Abigail.
It's about the painting.
I'll buzz her.
Do you know which button to push? No, I'm afraid I don't.
I don't mean to rush you, Abigail, but it is Tell her to bring it to 7249 Hemmett Street.
Did you say something, Mr.
Steele? Would you just hold on and I'll go get her for you.
Abigail, tell Laura to watch out You've already been clever enough for one day, Steele.
Or are you in a rush to join Achmed Kalil? He rubbed you the wrong way, did he? He discovered Felicia had lied about her past to become his assistant.
He was going to report her to the authorities.
We couldn't let him do that.
Do you suppose we could continue this conversation with me the right side up, hmm? [Laura.]
What the hell is he doing here? Are you sure this is where he said to meet him? Not completely.
Mother wasn't sure she heard it clearly.
Oh, I think it's really sweet asking your mother to work with you like that I could never do it.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh! What happened? - Good heavens! - Oh, Laura, Felicia.
- We thought for a moment you were - Just resting actually.
So glad you could join us, ladies.
You've brought the others with you, I trust? [Phone Rings.]
Oh, hello, Laura.
No.
They're not back yet.
Did you find him all right? Ah.
All right.
I'll I'll go look.
[Pressing Buttons.]
Ah.
Yes, dear, I found it.
What should I do now? You know, I'll miss you feeding me strawberries on the Riviera the wild drives with the top down along the Autobahn.
He's shown you the mastery of his Tibetan massage, hasn't he? Not recently.
There's no point trying to make Miss Holt jealous, Felicia.
Ours is a purely professional relationship.
She tried to tell me the same thing.
A necessary posture for clients, I suppose.
Well, assuming we all walk away from this I'll keep your little secret to myself.
[Abigail.]
Laura, are you there? Mother, don't come any further! Just leave the painting and leave! What, dear? Oh, let go of me.
I beg your pardon! - Would you please shut up! - L [Groans.]
- [Groaning.]
- Oh, Mother.
I'm so sorry you had to get dragged into this.
- Laura, that man - What? He was at Mr.
Steele's apartment.
He's the one I moved the car for.
Your foolishness has exhausted my patience, Steele.
- You didn't like the painting? - Obviously, I'll have to kill again to get it.
Sherman, take your pick.
- [Gasping.]
- Mother! Mother! You don't expect us to fall for that twice.
But she's not faking! She needs her inhaler! Oh! - [Grunts.]
- [Wheezing.]
No one moves.
I want that painting.
- You son of a - [Groans.]
- Hey! - [Grunts.]
I wouldn't resist further, gentlemen.
Felicia is a rather good shot.
Oh, Mother, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
[Gasps.]
Oh, don't be don't be, darling.
It's all right.
I mean, now I know what you really do.
If Miss Holt doesn't have it, and neither do you, where is the painting? In the museum where it belongs, of course.
Quickly, get it into its frame.
There's still a chance we can make the opening.
But I don't understand.
If you knew where the painting was - why didn't you say something? - Too risky.
Gutman had to believe the picture was in our possession or else he would never have come forward.
- For you to capture him.
- Actually, Miss Holt is responsible for that.
I was indisposed at the time.
Well, either way, I must apologize for being so hard on you at the police station.
And now, if you'll excuse me there are several million things to be done.
I'm afraid I've been a bit hard on someone myself.
Nonsense, your mother's a strong woman.
She'll get over it.
But you could've kept the painting and disappeared.
What made you decide to leave it in the museum? You're not serious? I don't want The Five Nudes of Cairo.
The picture's got a bloody curse on it.
[Mews.]