Resident Alien (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Resident Alien" Jay at the clinic.
That's Asta's daughter.
That's a really big secret, and it's gonna hurt a lot of people when it comes out.
Let go! I thought she'd be better off without me, but what if that's not true? Stop! He's not worth it.
What if she's supposed to be with me? - I hear they found a body.
- No, just a foot.
There's a dead body out there somewhere, and we're not gonna rest until we find it.
My son Max told me you're an alien.
Frankly, he is driving me crazy.
I believe you.
I've got a plan.
Hello? - Check this out.
- No! How did you get in here? I have a key.
I am still your wife.
Harry used the tissue samples to track back the infection to the coating on the patient's artificial aortic valve.
- It was amazing work, Harry.
- Thank you.
I'm great with the heart as long as it's not my own.
Ah, excuse me.
Yes, of course.
Hi, can you help me? I'm sorry.
What do you think this painting is saying? Um I'd rather try not to think about it, actually.
But I'd say makes me feel a bit upside-down.
Upside-down.
What's it make you feel? I don't know.
- But I love the mystery.
- Mm.
Right.
It's very interesting.
You really ought to share that interpretation with the artist.
Oh.
That's me.
Hi, I'm Isabelle.
- You're the artist? - I'm the artist.
But I thought you were the waitress.
I'm undercover.
I'll be the waitress.
Who will you be? Uh, I am the divorced doctor who is also undercover.
I'm an art afficionado.
Ah.
As an art afficionado, what do you say about this? I love this painting.
Thank you.
I'm Harry Vanderspeigle.
You're Harry Vander What's it - Speigle, yes.
Yes.
- Speigle.
Mm.
Unfortunately, some bastard has outbid you.
A bastard outbid me? - Indeed.
- Bastard.
Gotta fix that.
Hold on.
$10,000.
I mean, it's for a good cause.
Right.
Indeed.
I'm not letting this get away.
I want to solve this mystery.
Humans have a strange practice they call "the art of bullshitting," and that little bastard - - Max is Michelangelo.
I hate that kid.
You want to pretend to be my friend to steal my keys and break into my cabin? Fine with me.
Nice knowing you, "friend.
" What? Hello? Hello? Hello?! Hello?! Hello?! H Max! Oh, thank God, you were in here.
You didn't check the closet?! For our sleeping son? No, I didn't check the closet.
Or the sock drawers.
He camps out in here sometimes.
Oh, you must have fallen asleep.
- Come here.
- Yeah.
I must have fallen asleep.
No! All right, now, I'm gonna need to know the boy's blood type, and I'm gonna need a hair sample.
We gonna hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Now, Deputy, you go up, and you dust his room for prints.
Now, tell me, when was the last time you saw the boy alive? Well, so, funny story about Max.
Um He was in the closet.
Are you kidding me? Shit, I scraped ice off the truck for this? Actually, I scraped the ice.
Yeah, we're really sorry to drag you out here.
Then I warmed up the car while he finished his coffee.
Look, you might want to tie a rope around your boy so you don't lose him.
You know, I caught him riding his bike way out on Route 16 today? What? Max, is that true? You know you're not allowed to ride your bike that far from home.
You are grounded for a year.
- Honey.
- A day? You can't ground me! I had a good reason! Hmm.
This should be something.
Hey, if my son say he has a good reason, - he had a good reason.
- Go ahead, Max.
Thank you, Mother.
I had to break in to Dr.
Vanderspeigle's house - while he was at work.
- Wait, what? Apology accepted.
What type of criminal mastermind are y'all raising in this house, huh? I found proof that he's an alien! Oh, really? What kind of proof? Like, uh, flying orbs or a loss of, uh uh time He has alien technology in his basement! Max, you have to stop lying.
I'm not lying! Sahar was there! She saw everything! I don't remember seeing anything.
What? I remember riding bikes, but I don't remember going to the doctor's cabin.
I'm sorry, Max.
You're still here.
You can't wear that.
That is a man's shirt! I flew across the country to talk to you, and you left and drove away.
Where did you go? To get milk.
So where's the milk? I drank it.
She's scanning me.
It's a good thing I didn't murder those kids.
There'd be blood all over my pants.
And then I'd have to murder her.
Yes.
I made the right choice.
I'm very good at this.
What's different about you? I shaved my mustache.
You didn't have a mustache.
I grew it, and then I shaved it.
Before I drank the milk.
Are you high? Yes.
I am high on the skunk's weed.
I'm very cross with you.
You sound like James Bond.
Very cross with you.
I'm very cross with you.
I was ready to sign the divorce papers, and then you stonewalled the lawyers for months.
Phone calls, emails, texts, all unanswered.
I don't know if you saw any of them.
This has been absolute emotional torture.
If you're ready to have a divorce, just sign the papers! Thank you.
Um wow, that was so easy for you.
There's a motel at Exit 42.
And there's an asshole in the living room.
I thought we could at least talk about this like humans.
That's where I sleep.
Ah mh.
What's happening here? She agreed to end the relationship; I've got it in writing.
Don't move, don't make a sound.
Just play dead, and maybe she'll let go.
Actually, this isn't bad.
She's warm, like a giant ham.
Maybe I can sleep after all.
Shit.
Morning, love.
What time is it? The alarm Oh, I turned it off.
I thought we could use the rest.
- I have to go.
- What? When are we gonna talk? We just did.
Now I have to go to my job.
Since when have you have a job in Patience? The town doctor was murdered.
Now I am the town doctor because I am alive.
You've abandoned your practice back home, and now you're in Colorado playing Dr.
Fix-It? They just call me Dr.
Vanderspeigle.
Goodbye.
Before you go home, take out the trash.
I recycle.
I am angry.
I was supposed to be up early and already on the mountain to search for my device.
That woman is a distraction.
Why do these creatures choose to spend their lives with someone else? It's bad enough they're already tethered to each other through family.
My people do family the right way.
We don't care if they live or die.
Take one white one and one red one with your eggs.
Is that what they call these yellow things? Looks like Big Bird exploded on this plate.
Wasn't for you, we'd be eating those half-smoke sausages at Bee-Bee's.
Yeah, I know, it's not exactly D.
C.
, but the mountain air out here is good for you.
Oh, is that what we're going with? Is that why we're here? Yeah blame moving out here on me.
Just like you blame me for everything else.
Probably my fault Sam got killed too.
You crack that one yet, Mikey? I didn't think so.
Looks like Sam chose the wrong town to die in.
You just Shit! What's wrong with you? And these people trust you with a gun.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Can you just take your pills, please? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Harry! - Huh? What's going on? Chasing a raccoon in there? I'm fine.
There is no racoon.
I'm just putting on my pants.
Oh, shit.
Are you living in your truck? Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
I I sleep at the 59, like, three nights a week, so I get it.
I'm not living in my truck.
Oh, I I do sleep at the 59.
Is that coffee for me? Oh, this coffee that I have not offered to you in any way? - Mm-hmm.
- No.
Oh.
Anyway, glad I ran into you because, um you know, we had fun, and we kissed, which was interesting.
But I I kinda think we shouldn't drag this whole "will they won't they" out more than we need to.
I don't want to date you anymore.
Can I just have a sip? - It will help me move my bowels.
- Okay.
No, I can see that you're hurting, and I get it.
We can be friends, I just it's just You're just not my type.
So your type is not the smartest and the best person in the world.
See, there it is.
Uh I think it's just your ego.
It's I don't even know how to describe it.
So you're not very smart? Um what the fuck did you just say to me? Oh, no.
Human men must not say mean things to women.
If I don't apologize, she'll know I'm an alien.
That was mean.
I should not have said that.
Yeah.
I am a man, a human man, and you are smart relative to our species.
Goodbye.
Asshole! Hmm.
You lying, cheating bastard.
Oh, hello, Dr.
Vanderspeigle.
I'm surprised you're still here.
Mayor Hawthorne hasn't found my replacement yet because he's bad at his job.
Well, these are Sam's private medical files.
I thought you might want them.
No.
But okay.
You know, since I'm here, can I ask if you've finished Sam's autopsy report? I can't until I get the toxicology results back from the lab in Denver.
So sad to find out he committed suicide.
Because if he was murdered, it would not be so sad.
Well, if he committed suicide, his insurance claim would be null and void.
So I'm counting on you, Doctor, to do the right thing.
You know, you could use a haircut.
Why don't you come down to the salon? I'll cut it for you.
I cut my own hair.
I see that.
What was that about? She's pro-murder.
And she wanted you to take this box to where the other dead people boxes go.
Okay then.
Mrs.
Hodges brought this.
I don't know where to put it.
Also, my mom wanted to thank you for helping me out the other night, and she wants to make you dinner.
Oh.
Wow.
That's nice.
She doesn't have to do that.
Um we can talk about that.
So I'm gonna take this box.
I have a problem.
So do I.
That box keeps following me.
I messed up.
I never should've brought Jay here.
She's just so innocent.
Walking around, not knowing the truth.
Tell her you're her mother.
I gave her up.
I can't just drag her back now that it suits me.
She has a life and a family.
You know, knowing the truth should be on her terms when she's ready.
Jay should not be here.
This is interesting.
She's willing to send Jay away because she loves her, not because she hates her.
Fire her.
No.
I can't do that.
Can I? Although her class is almost over.
I could make sure she gets a good grade.
Harry.
Harry.
Whose scarf is this? Girl up front? This woman? Excuse me.
"This woman"? Harry, why don't you tell your girlfriend that this is a doctor's office, and she cannot barge into an exam room.
I'm not his girlfriend.
I'm his wife.
His wife? Harry here told me you were dead.
Oh! Ha, ha, ha Do I look dead to you, Harry? Would a dead person do this? Or that? Ooh, I'm so sorry.
All right, then.
Ooh, and this must be a ghost.
You're dead too.
And this one too.
Dead! Wow, sorry.
Um right.
You're a monster.
I I I'm going back to New York.
I I can't.
"Monster" is a cheese, right? Can I have a glass of your driest white, please? Well, we've been using the same box of wine as a stepladder since Halloween, so Uh whiskey.
That's your best bet.
Oh, dear.
And you're in luck.
Still in time for the breakfast special, if you want me to crack an egg into it.
I am going through a divorce, but I'm not quite at "egg in my whiskey" phase yet.
Divorce.
That's rough.
I hear ya.
You're divorced? Oh, no.
Not yet, anyway.
You know.
Some day.
Yeah.
Still kinda working on that pre-divorce part.
Don't bother.
Ah, God.
How do people Wow.
Really sneaks up on you.
Yeah.
It's like a stroke.
I just don't understand how people can change so much.
He used to be so alive and present, and now he's, like blunt.
- I know blunt guys.
- Mm.
Yeah, the guy I'm dating, it's like, he's so direct, you know, which is refreshing.
- It's kind of hot, but - Mm.
Sometimes, it's it's really brutal.
Exactly.
God, they're all the same.
Probably dating the same guy.
Maybe there's two of them.
Can you imagine? I'm sorry, I thought you were my wife.
Max has something he would like to tell you.
Go ahead, Max.
I stole your keys and made a copy of them to sneak into your cabin.
What?! I am horrified at this accusation! Oh, no, he didn't accuse you of anyth I don't accept your apology! Well, he hasn't apologized yet.
I'm getting ahead of myself.
Max.
Go on.
I'm sorry.
Good.
Now, I do not accept your apology! Well, you You have to accept it.
Why? Those are the rules.
Well, he's not really sorry, so I'm not accepting it.
Dr.
Vanderspeigle is right.
Max say it like you mean it.
But I don't mean it! Your act doesn't fool me, alien.
I know you found us in your basement and somehow snuck us home.
I'm feeling attacked.
I am snowflaking.
Max, that's that's enough.
Do you see what we're dealing with, Dr.
Vanderspeigle? It It just won't let up.
I have an idea.
They obviously love this kid.
I'm not sure why.
He's a menace.
I learned a lesson from Asta about love.
It can be used as a weapon.
Okay, Max.
I'm going to give you a simple test.
Which one of these people is me? You know I can't tell by this.
If there was a picture of a gross alien or a dumb slug, I'd point to it.
- Hurtful.
- Max.
Please stop fooling around.
This is serious.
Fine.
- This one! - No! Enough games, buddy.
That's Russell Crowe.
No, that's Sam Neill.
No, the Australian guy from the genius movie with the math.
- No, I promise you, it's not - Hey! Snap out of it! Max got it wrong.
Sweetie.
Who is this? - Don't you recognize him? - No! I've never seen that man before in my entire life.
Hmm, I forgive you for breaking into my house, Max.
I forgive you because you are a sick little boy.
And she's right.
It's Sam Neill! From the Jurassic era dinosaur documentary! - I - He's lying! He's setting me up! He's tricking you! - Hey - He's not even a real doctor! - Max.
- Well, this has been fun.
I'm just gonna go jump out a window real quick.
Max.
It's worse than I thought.
He obviously suffers from a severe case of teraphobia.
Teraphobia? Seeing monsters and other scary things.
If you worry about one thing, it should be that.
Also He might suffer from face blindness.
And anxiety.
And looking at your skull he's probably gonna have a receding hairline.
This is horrible.
Yes, if teraphobia is untreated, Max can have severe issues, and going through life without hair is no fun.
But there is a special school for kids like Max.
In Georgia.
- Georgia? - Mm.
We just need a smoking gun.
We ain't got no smoke.
Hell, we ain't even got a gun.
I interviewed every possible witness.
I examined all the evidence.
I Are you shitting me right now? Are you playing with a yo-yo? Sorry, sir.
It, uh, it calms me.
Well, I need to be calm.
Give me this.
Ow.
Got no viable suspects.
We got no motive.
We got nothing! Hell, we don't even know for sure yet if he was even murdered! Great, you broke it.
Sir, Sam doesn't seem the suicide type.
I think he was murdered, and I really do think it's somehow related to the foot in the lake.
You know what? Screw that foot.
For all we know, that thing floated downriver from up north.
There's probably some one-footed sumbitch up in Gunnison, hopping around, laughing at our asses right now.
Mm.
I don't think he laughs much.
I was so happy when I thought we had a serial killer.
It felt good.
I mean, look at these streets! They're not mean! They're beautiful! You know how many violent crimes Colorado Springs had last year? Hmm? Over 500.
500! Lucky bastards.
Cheer up, sir.
Tomorrow's Bingo night.
Maybe Mrs.
Labelle will sucker-punch the priest again.
Yeah, she is crazier than zucchini cake.
Yeah.
Actually, she is mad.
Okay.
Still shouldn't put vegetables in cake.
It's wrong.
- We're smart, attractive - Yes.
Mm! independent women.
We don't need some guy to determine our future.
We are strong! We're strong.
And we're fearless! You are fearless! Damn right.
So about this guy.
I think you broke up with him because you were afraid of getting hurt.
Mm.
You think so? 'Cause I thought it was 'cause he kissed like a horse eating an ice cream cone.
I'm so sorry.
Any real man - would be in love with you.
- Yeah.
Take it from an artist.
Without risk, there's nothing.
Yeah.
Real women don't run away.
- That's right.
- Mm! - We don't run away.
- Mm! Because we're strong because we support each other.
Right.
Have you seen Danny? Day Drunk Danny that fixes the karaoke machines? Jesus, Judy.
You're just jealous I got a guy who can work in tight spaces.
Like you have any.
Oh, wouldn't you like to know? The whole town knows, Judy! I know.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Pretty.
Hmm.
- You guys! - To women supporting women.
Yes.
Hey, Jay.
Thanks for picking up the files.
I know you like it here, and it's really been great having you.
Um, we're just we're not as busy as we were a couple months ago.
Are you listening to me? This paper says you had a baby.
And your baby was born on my exact birthday.
It's fine.
It's not like I didn't know I was adopted.
I it's It's complicated.
Yeah.
Seems simple.
You gave me away and then lied to me.
Wait if you're "Mommy," who's "Daddy"? It's not that dick Jimmy, is it? Wow.
I really won the lottery with that one, didn't I? No wonder you gave me away.
- I'm so sorry - Don't.
I was going to fire her.
Are you waiting for a bus? I like the cold.
It helps me think.
Buddhist monks believe that suffering comes from the thinking mind.
They can also train their minds not to feel pain.
One of them lit himself on fire.
I think that one felt pain.
Trying to make me feel better after tearing the heart out of a 16-year-old girl? You didn't tear her heart out.
You just lied to her and pretended to be her friend.
You want to talk about lying? What kind of person lies about their wife being dead? Humans lie.
It's what they do.
Why? Maybe they don't want people to know who they really are.
I told you I'd meet you at the diner.
Nice to see you too.
Harry Vanderspeigle.
I think we met briefly.
Are you fucking with me, man? No, of course not.
I'm definitely fucking with him.
Okay.
Let's go.
Let's go! Don't.
That is not why I texted you.
You always say that.
I need you to listen.
This is hard.
It's about the baby.
She found out who we are.
Whoa.
How did she find you? It's Jay.
The girl with the attitude that answers the phone? Yeah.
She's our daughter.
And yes, I knew that when I hired her.
Jesus, Asta.
That is messed up.
What the hell is he doing here? What, is he your new boyfriend or something? - No! - No.
I'm just here, eating cake.
- You're her bodyguard now? - Harry.
- I prefer "ninja.
" - Harry.
You don't have to do this.
Just ignore him.
You shouldn't ignore ninjas.
Just don't pay any attention to him.
He's reading books about monks and ninjas.
How long have you known? Always.
Since you talked me into giving up my own baby.
Damn it, Asta! - You weren't ready, either! - Are you serious? I'm only telling you so that you'll hear it from me first.
If Jay comes to find you, I don't want you flipping out on her.
You're the last person she needs in her life.
Oh, okay.
You always make me out to be the psycho.
You know what? Doing what you did, that shit ain't normal.
You really wanted to protect her, you should've stayed the hell out of her life.
It's better that she knows.
This isn't your problem.
You shouldn't have to deal with it.
You're too young to remember But that night, when I realized your mother wasn't coming back, I tucked you in extra tight, and I made a promise to you that I'd never leave you to do this life alone.
How could I leave her? Well, you didn't know any better.
But I promise you, she has a family that loves her as if she was their own.
Where did Harry go? Ninja.
Why is she still here? How am I supposed to get into my underwear and watch Jerry Orbach with that hot ham in my house? You said you were going away forever.
I'm afraid I didn't handle things very well today.
I'd really love to make it up to you.
Hope you're hungry.
Where did you get these steaks? They were in the freezer downstairs.
That's impossible, because the door is open! You freak, I don't know why you locked everything like that.
I don't think we have to do that out here.
I had to break the lock of the icebox just to get the steaks.
Gotta get some frozen peas.
I'll get them.
You're lovely.
Mmm.
You're so quiet.
What are you thinking? If I could fit your body in the freezer next to the other guy.
So many things.
You're so different.
You haven't been yourself since I got here.
I am myself.
I've always been myself.
I'm a man and nothing else.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
I know what's going on with you.
You're afraid.
I'll go with that.
I'm scared too.
Men showed up at the apartment and said they needed to talk to you.
Look, I don't care what trouble you're in.
I really don't.
Whatever's going on with you, I'll be there with you, no matter what.
All right, D'arce.
You want to put yourself out there? Let's do this.
Come on, you beast.
Let's have a dance.
If you're going home one evening And you run into Shit.
That was a waste of deodorant.
Well, dinner's over.
Mm.
What next? I can only think of one thing.
Hmm? Scrub the pans before you leave.
There was a boy A very strange Enchanted boy They say he wandered very far Very far Over land and sea And then one day One magic day, he passed my way And while we spoke of many things Fools and kings This he said to me The greatest thing you'll ever learn Is to love And be loved Just to love And be Loved Well.
Mm.
You wanna send him to Georgia? Of course, I don't want to send him away.
But we have a broken child.
The only thing scarier than being away from him is him getting worse if we don't do something about it.
But maybe he'll outgrow it on his own.
You know, like the lisp or the or the thumb sucking.
- No.
- I just I think I just think that we should give it more time.
This is different.
This place is equipped to help him in ways that we can't.
Be honest.
Does Max seem like a normal little boy to you? No, I I guess not.
Am I losing my hair? What? No.
What? Doesn't feel like it's gone back a little bit? No.
Max for Sahar.
Do you read me? Sahar here, over.
I know you don't believe me about the alien.
My parents are sending me away.
Over.
All I said was that I didn't remember.
Of course I still believe you.
And nobody's sending you away.
I have an idea.
Over.
There's no need to be frightened.
I'll take care of you.
Tell Babette where it hurts.
I don't know who Babette is Ooh, that feels good.
God, you're handsome.
So are you.
I don't know what we're doing.
We're reconnecting.
I knew you still loved me.
Didn't have the heart to take it down.
We're gonna be together forever.
I thought you'd be in Georgia by now, getting probed.
Humans don't probe.
Only stupid aliens do that.
My people don't.
It's the grays that have the ass fetish.
That's adult language, and we don't appreciate it.
What are you doing here? You shouldn't be that surprised to see me.
Touching your floating apple may have knocked out my memory, but it didn't kill me.
Maybe next time.
There won't be a next time.
Hold on, Max.
The adults are talking.
Max isn't going to that institute.
I once held my breath for two minutes just to get out of a Sufi prayer circle.
I'll teach him.
I'll bet he'll hold his breath for an hour to get out of Georgia.
Good.
Then he'll be dead.
I'll find his tombstone and spit on it.
You won't be able to.
Because he's going to be cremated and have the ashes sprinkled into the ocean.
Fine, then I'll spit on it, and it'll hit your dead DNA.
No, it won't.
Because I tricked you.
He didn't really have his ashes put into the ocean.
I snuck them into your pocket.
So when you were spitting into the ocean, he was in your pocket laughing at you the whole time.
Your spit will never get near him.
We win again.
Ha ha! I got you.
I don't think what I just did was normal human behavior.
Oh.
Are we driving you crazy? Get used to it.
We're both holding our breath until you promise to leave him alone.
When we pass out, they'll think you did it.
Good.
It'll be quieter.
Great.
More air for me.
Thank you.
I'll have some more.
You look silly.
Look, I mean how long is this? Okay.
Okay, stop! What do you want? A truce.
You tell my parents I'm not crazy so I can stay home, and I'll stop telling everyone you're an alien.
What about killing him? Can I still kill him? No! That's pretty much implied in the word "truce.
" Go ahead.
Shake on it.
Fine.
Any questions, Max? Yeah.
Why can I see you? Are you familiar with multi-dimensional space travel? Very.
Some humans are genetically more tuned to the frequencies of other dimensions, so they can see beyond my molecular reconstruction.
Like that was blue and black but some people saw it as white and gold? - It wasn't white and gold? - No! - Whoa.
- Wow.
I have a question.
Why do humans fold pizza when they eat it? Basic engineering.
It's too floppy when it's flat.
Ah.
What are the Nazca lines? Ancient alien graffiti.
- Do aliens poop? - Everybody poops.
Just like the book.
I knew it.
When I first discovered that Max knew who I really was, I hated him for it.
Maybe I did not actually hate him.
I just hated how he made me feel inside.
I felt exposed.
Vulnerable.
In a way, I hated myself.
But after talking to those kids for just ten minutes, I could feel my hatred going away.
Maybe there's something out there stronger than hate.
Hungry? I've only got enough for coffee.
Well, that's okay.
Family don't pay.
In that case, I'll get two burgers.
One for here and one to go.
And a slice of pie.
Sheriff? Sam's toxicology results are in.
Botulinum toxin A levels are through the roof.
Sam was poisoned.
Holy shit sticks! We got ourselves a murder! - Deputy.
- Yeah.
Sheriff.
- All right.
Get on it.
- Okay.
- Get on it.
- Yeah.
Enjoy your breakfast.
- All right, thank you, ma'am.
- Okay.
I feel many emotions about this one.
I feel close to her.
Yet sometimes, I want to be far away.
I don't hate her.
I just need sleep.
I guess she can live another day.