Retired at 35 (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

I got that, Peter.
You got the last one.
Nonsense.
My son Tad sends me money all the time.
Did I mention he's rich? It's come up.
Alan, here comes your ex ball and chain.
Hello gentlemen - Hi, David.
- Oh, hi, mom.
Elaine, you remember Peter Dixon.
Ooh, check my pulse.
Did I just die? Because I feel like I'm looking at an angel.
Stop, Peter.
I don't remember you being this charming.
I'm back on my meds.
Well, they suit you.
You're the only medicine I need today, Elaine.
Sorry, they did tell me that shameless flirting might be a side effect.
So is B.
S.
Well, I'm meeting my friend Louise to look at grandbaby photos.
It's so exhausting to pretend I'm happy she's a grandmother and I'm not.
Well, how could you be? You're not old enough.
Oh, you.
You know, Alan, I just want to say Elaine has more than a few pacemakers working overtime around here.
What's your point, Peter? She's doing better than you.
Everybody's talking about it.
Let's face it.
If your separation was a horse race, they would have sent you to the glue factory.
Well, it's not like I've been home alone every night.
I can vouch.
I'm usually with him.
Me too.
Come on.
What is the last date you were on? I don't like to kiss and tell.
Me either.
That's why I videotape everything.
I'm kidding probably.
You know, maybe Peter Dixon's right.
You know, maybe maybe my mom is doing better than my dad in the separation.
I mean, she's been out on all kinds of dates, and he just hangs out with Richard.
Maybe your dad's gay.
I hope not.
Not with those abs.
Oh, Jessica, hey, how's it going? Well, I'm broke, and my car needs a new brake job.
That's why I never come to a complete stop.
That's how they get you.
I've been working extra shifts to pay for it.
So no pressure but, please, tip big.
No pressure, but please undo a button.
Hi, David.
Hi, Mrs.
Egan.
Thank you for introducing me to Carl Thomas last week.
We went out, and we had a lovely time.
Well, there you both were, waiting for your prescriptions.
I knew you had the Lipitor in common.
The rest was just instinct.
A little something for your trouble.
That is very sweet.
It was no trouble.
A hundred-dollar bill? Mrs.
Egan, I cannot take your money.
Put it in your pocket, skippy.
Maybe you should try eHarmony to find a lasting, healthy relationship.
Oh, at my age, I'll settle for quick and dysfunctional.
Do you know my friend Judy Goldfarb? - Oh, hi, Judy, it's nice - Let's cut to the chase.
I want a man too.
Wow.
Forward.
And I'm wealthy.
Three husbands.
All rich.
All dead.
She hit the trifecta.
I'm sorry, ladies.
I just I wouldn't feel right.
I mean, I'd kind of feel like a pimp.
It's not about sex.
It's about companionship.
How could you deny us that? We couldn't live with ourselves.
Great.
Oh, make sure the man you pick for me has a strong heart.
I don't do CPR.
- Come on, Judy.
Our Jell-o shots are here.
Rich, lonely, old ladies, not enough men around, supply, say hello to demand.
Dear diary, things are really starting to look up.
I'm so glad that I quit my job, moved to Florida, and became an old people pimp.
David, I am a pool man.
Every day, I argue with gardeners and get killed a little bit by the sun.
Hey, dad.
How was softball practice? Just okay.
We got down on the ground to do some stretching.
Three guys fell asleep.
I'm gonna grab a beer.
- There's our solution.
- What? Your dad.
We should set him up with Judy.
Brandon, no, no, no, no, no.
I am not turning my dad into some sort of geezer-pleaser.
We won't tell him about the money part.
That way, he won't ask for any of the money.
Hey, Mr.
Robbins, you know anyone who might like a date with Judy Goldfarb? Yeah, I know a guy.
Me.
You sure you don't want to think it over, dad? Peter Dixon was right.
I'm in a slump or a funk or something.
A slunk.
I've been in one of those since birth.
No, come on, dad.
You're not in a slump.
Not anymore I'm not.
I'm in.
When does Judy want to go out? - Tonight.
- Oh, well, then I better go take a Russian shower.
What is that? You rush in, you rush out.
Hey.
So how'd your dad's date with Judy go? You know, I think it went great.
Turns out he was the right manny for that granny.
- Hi, David.
- Oh, hi, Mrs.
Egan.
- So Judy loved your father.
- Oh, really? Now I want a taste.
Oh, I'm sorry, you a taste? I want a date with your dad.
He's the new it boy.
It boy? Really? Those eyes, that hair, that banjo.
And the way his cigar smoke blends with his natural musk.
Mrs.
Egan, I don't even know if he wants to go on any more dates.
Mrs.
Egan, we'd be glad to help.
Baby, won't you please come home your daddy's tired all alone I have tried in vain never no more to call your name when you left, you broke my heart every hour in the day you gonna hear me say baby, won't you please come home I need your loving baby, won't you please come home - ba-dump-ump yeah, Mrs.
Cookman, dinner on the 23rd does work.
So hold on just a second.
All he has is brunch on that day.
Hang on.
No, I'm sorry, we don't let him do weddings anymore.
He keeps trying to talk the groom out of it.
Gentlemen, I got a fashion question.
Ascot or bowtie? I'd go open collar.
- Sure.
Why gift-wrap something they're just gonna tear open? We put the smile back on that man's face.
That should be our slogan.
Putting stuff on old people's faces.
Oh, hey, dad, your date's here, so hustle it up.
And after dinner, you have pudding with Mrs.
Finch.
Shame on you, David.
Everyone's heard.
You've turned your father into a geriatric gigolo.
Mom, mom, it is it is not what you think.
The ladies really seem to like dad.
Well, of course they like him.
There's a 3:1 ratio of women to men down here.
It's like shooting 60-year-old fish in a barrel.
To be fair, mom, they say he's charming.
Do you know why he's charming? Because of me.
Because of my sweat equity.
When he came to me, he was an animal.
An assault on the senses.
I taught him everything he knows.
It's such an old story.
The first wife carries the water, and then a bunch of floozies take the drink.
Oh, look who's here.
Stopping by to get a look at the new it boy? - Hello, Alan.
- Well, Elaine.
I'd love to take you out.
What are you doing three months from Tuesday? Sorry, Elaine, there's my date.
Oh, good.
I'm curious to see the desperate vulture who's swooping in to pick the carcass clean.
Oh, hi, Judy.
We were just talking about you.
Hi, Elaine.
- Hi, Judy.
- Hi, Alan.
You look nice.
- As do you.
- Oh, thank you.
Elaine, I hope this isn't awkward for you.
Why would it be awkward for me? You're the one who's paying for it.
Have fun, you two.
Bye, David.
What did she mean, paying for it? He doesn't know.
Your mom just said that Judy was paying for it.
Oh, you know you know what, I know what she meant.
Love.
It costs stuff.
Right, right, love just costs a lot of stuff.
The lovers and the lovelorn must all pay the Piper his rightly due.
The truth, please.
Yeah, okay.
Um Dad, the women, they've kind of been, you know, giving us money to go out with you.
Wait, so so they don't really like me? They're just buying me like some slab of beef? Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Wow.
That is absolutely fantastic.
Really, dad? I mean, you're not upset.
I thought you'd be upset, because, you know, there's no connection, because it's fake, since the women are paying to be with you, you know? Here's what I heard you say.
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
"Women are paying to be with you.
"Blah, blah?" Come on, Alan.
Let's go out and have some fun.
I'll see you boys later.
Daddy's got to shake his moneymaker.
Honestly, I've never seen my dad so happy.
Him? I am this close to a job that requires pants.
What are you doing with your money anyway? Oh, don't worry.
It's soundly invested.
Okay, the world really is a good place.
My mechanic didn't charge me for the car repair.
Said it was taken care of.
Well, now that is great.
It's amazing.
Sometimes I feel like I have a guardian angel.
Dude, I'm the guardian angel.
I paid for her car.
And you didn't tell her? No, see, 'cause that would destroy the purity of the gesture.
The what of the what? You heard me.
She's not gonna know that you did it, and she's not gonna feel an obligation to do something for you in return.
Yeah, exactly.
Are you even a man? Oh, Mrs.
Egan, hi.
Hi, David.
I want you to meet Peter Dixon.
Yeah, we know each other.
What up, G? Um, what are you doing with Mrs.
Egan? Well, everybody knows about what you've been doing with your dad, so I decided to get in on the action.
In on the action? Oh, yeah.
I've got Mrs.
Egan now, Judy at 9:00, then a midnight rendezvous with Mrs.
Santiago, a little Latin from Manhattan.
Ay-yi-yi.
I am en fuego.
He's the new it boy.
Whoo! But, Mrs.
Finch, you can't cancel.
No, Mrs.
Jansen, if you cancel now, we have to charge you.
Okay, but he was really looking forward to more pudding.
I'm sorry.
You have to stay in and do your hair? Can't you just leave it at home? It's not him.
It's you? Hello? Peter Dixon has stolen your dad's thunder.
Yeah, well, we can't tell him until we figure it out.
He'll be crushed.
Right, and that blood is on your hands.
Dude, it's on your hands.
The important thing is it's on one of our hands.
Here they are, the two matchmakers.
So who's my next victim? Um, you know what, dad, who wants to go on some stupid date? I do.
I just thought, you know, maybe we'd dial it down a little bit, give you a break.
A break? Did they give Joe DiMaggio a break when he was in the middle of his hitting streak? That would have ended his streak.
Come on, dad, don't you think you're about even now with mom and the whole separation thing? Even? Who wants to be even? I want to win.
Who's the next woman? - Um - Well - It's a surprise.
- It's a big surprise.
Oh, well, I love surprises.
Whoever it is, I'm gonna make her feel like she's 56.
Stay loose, big fella.
Stay loose.
Looking good.
Looking good.
Come on.
Let's go.
- Where? - Slap on some cologne and comb your hair.
We're going old lady trolling.
- Hey, Judy.
- Oh, hi, David.
Hey, listen, guess what.
So miraculously my dad is free tonight if you'd like to take the spot.
Oh, David, I like your dad, but it's all about Peter Dixon now.
This business is brutal when you go cold.
Okay, listen, listen, Judy, what's it gonna take? Well, you could start by giving me all the money back.
All the money? I thought you were rich.
David, you're in a bind.
I have something called leverage.
Deal-making gives me a rush.
Well, listen, Judy, we'd love to give you the money back.
We would.
But we have a slight problem.
We spent it all.
I bought a life-sized lego stormtrooper, and David blew his on something stupid.
Well, that is a problem.
It's just not my problem.
Okay, okay, Judy, hold on, hold on.
We will get you the money back.
You got a deal.
Okay, good, meet me at my dad's place in one hour.
- You got it.
- Okay.
What are you doing later after you go out with his dad? You want to see my stormtrooper? I'm not a Star Wars fan.
I'm not talking about that.
Me neither.
So you now have to pay the women to go out with your father? Yeah, looks that way.
And your father thinks they're still paying - to go out with him? - Yeah.
That is fantastic.
Mom, this is a very nice thing you're doing for dad.
I'm not doing it for him.
I'm doing it for me.
There is no price too high to see your father knocked down a couple of pegs.
But the women will still be going out with him.
I mean, how will he even know? Sweetie, please, I'll know.
And I'll tell people.
Well, mom, listen, I promise, I will pay you back.
Well, no need, David.
It's all your dad's money anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Oh, the banjo is absolutely enchanting.
Thank you.
So shall we go? Oh, here's David.
Hey, Judy.
Could you get me some water before we go? I'd be delighted.
Okay, give me the money.
Well, yeah, I've got it right here.
I bet you were a handful in your day.
Trust me, sweetie.
You couldn't handle me now.
Okay, so, listen, Judy, not a word to my dad, okay? Okay, no, sure, it's fine.
But I've only got until 9:00.
I'm on standby for a moonlit canoe ride with Peter Dixon.
- Here's your water.
- Oh.
Oh, Judy, I saw what you're doing.
- You do? - It's the old money exchange.
Always a little awkward.
Here, let me help.
Quick, Judy, eat the check.
Why is this check made out to Judy? You know what, there's been a mix-up.
Wait, that check was from Elaine.
What's going on here? Well, I'll tell you, it's a funny story actually.
So get ready to laugh, laugh, laugh.
Why is it funny? I do not yet know.
Oh, look, it's all my fault.
Alan, I made the boys pay me to go out with you.
But I thought we had a real connection.
Oh, we did, but, Alan, I need more.
I need to be in control.
I want to dominate.
It gives me a rush.
I'm starting to see how she buried three husbands.
All right, Alan, I'll see you around.
So, David, what does your mother have to do with this? We spent all our money, so I had to borrow the money from mom.
The old bitties flipped it on us.
So you were paying these women to go out with me with what was essentially my own money.
Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry, dad, but mom was doing better with the separation.
I just wanted to protect you.
You're a good boy, David, and one hell of a pimp.
Thanks, dad.
Well, at least we made my dad feel better for a little while, and I did something nice for the girl I like.
You're still an idiot for that.
Hey, it's called karma, and it comes back to you in unexpected ways.
Like that Thai restaurant on third street.
Oh, hey, look, it's the mechanic that fixed Jessica's car.
Hey, Jared.
Oh, what's up? Listen, if Jessica waits on you, just remember, she doesn't know that I paid for her car to be repaired, so just don't say anything to her, okay? Don't worry, man.
I've got your back.
Thanks.
See, good guy.
Hey, Jared, my shift is over.
- Ready to go? - Who's going where? We're gonna catch a movie.
See you guys later.
See ya.
Just don't say anything.
Just have the decency to keep silent.
I won't say a word.
That guy is so getting laid.
Hey.
Hi, Elaine.
Have a seat.
It'll cost you a hundred.
I guess I deserve that.
So did you at least have fun? I did.
It's nice to be wanted.
Truth is, since we've been separated, I thought you were doing better than me.
Well, Alan, to be fair, I have been on more dates.
But it's quality that matters, not quantity.
Are you saying I'm quality? I'm saying I'd like a straw.
So then the firemen came to take down my little kitty from the tree.
And then I realized that she was with me the entire time.
Isn't that something? That is something.
Help me.