Retrograde (2020) s01e05 Episode Script
Trivia
1
Mum's finished chemo
but she's not out of the woods yet.
Maddie, what is this house?
It's Rob's house.
I didn't expect to see you
so settled.
I wasn't
your Indian Courtney Love, OK?
Is this why you fucked off to London
without saying good-bye?
Do you miss it?
Hey!
Hi!
(GASPS)
Nothing says I'm proud of you
..like a bunch of cheap flowers
from the servo.
(GASPS)
Oh. Sorry.
Um, I'm gonna go.
We'll all be in
the same time zone next week.
What?
I'm coming home.
Hey, Rams, I'm gonna be
late for trivia, OK?
I've totally screwed this ragout.
Ah, Madhuri Mishra.
Who the fuck made you a housewife?
Lou! I'm cooking for Rob.
This ragout, it tastes like armpits.
(CHUCKLES)
How are you, Lou?
Ah, just another shit day.
Feeling a bit exhausted.
Don't worry. Ramsay's taking me
into the hospital.
Good.
Rob's sick.
He just took a COVID test and
now he's self-isolating in the study.
He even wears a mask
when he comes out.
Ramsay told me about
your little love triangle.
Yeah, it's a bit, uh complicated.
Nah, what's complicated about two
blokes wanting to jump your bones?
Semesa would love it
if I had another bloke on the go.
Poor thing gets tired out.
(CHUCKLES) So how did you know
that Semesa was the one you wanted?
It's not about what you want,
it's what you need.
And you know what you need, Maddie?
A kite flyer.
A kite flyer?
Mm.
Someone who'll hold your string
real tight,
so you can fly like a fucking kite.
And that's Rob, right? Or Dylan?
Yeah, but the problem is
when you're up there flying around,
you start crashing into other kites
and your strings get all tangled up.
So who am I tangled up with?
Rob or Dylan?
Anyway, I gotta go or
Semesa's gonna be pulling my string.
(CHUCKLES)
OK, can you tell Ramsay
I'm gonna be late for trivia, please?
Yeah, yeah,
because you're a shit cook.
See ya, Madhuri. (BLOWS KISS)
Bye, Lou. (BLOWS KISSES)
(COUGHS)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Right now, now
Now
Right now
Soon the Earth
may dissolve like smoke
We'll meet again in the air
All bound to glow
Now
Now
Right now
Now
Right ♪
Was it gross how Jock said Amina's
rice balls are greasy?
Totally. Another white chef telling
an Asian cook her food doesn't rate.
So MasterChef basics - we hate Jock
but we love Melissa?
Asian pride represents.
(CHUCKLES) OK, Melissa,
how was my ragout?
Uh, it's actually the most
edible meal you've ever cooked.
Edible is a low bar!
Compared to last night's stir-fry
that you could kill corona with.
Are you saying that I've been
sitting on a cure this whole time?
Maddie you can stop
the guilt cooking.
What do you mean?
You've been cooking
every night this week.
Ever since
you and Dylan, chatting online.
No, no, no.
I genuinely love cooking now.
Maddie, come on!
OK, um I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I just get weird when I see him.
Look, I was annoyed about
the Dylan thing, but I'm OK now.
So can we be honest
with each other from now on?
Yes.
And no more plating up, please.
My plate runneth over.
(CHUCKLES)
OK, Quizmaster.
Are you ready to host trivia?
Mmm, a social engagement
structured around knowledge
and a point-based reward system.
I was born ready.
(LAUGHS) Even your jokes
about being nerdy are nerdy.
See you in there!
No, I'm all about mindfulness,
but now I've got a toddler
reminding me to stay present
when I'm wiping his bum.
(LAUGHS)
Wait - did you say 'naked yoga'?
Ah! Kim and Kanye,
nice of you to join us.
Hellooooo, Kourtney, Khloe
and Kendall!
I'm clearly a Kylie.
Trivia is touching down.
I don't want trivia
touching me down anywhere.
Rams, it's gonna be
a tonne of fun
and I'm gonna destroy you.
Yeah, let's get quizzical!
Thanks, Olivia Newton-Trivia,
but this is not my Xanadu.
Oh, but it will be.
Get your skates on.
Get your paper. Get your pens.
Rrrr!
Oh, you call that a pen?
This is a pen.
Ooh, hitting my stationery G spot
with your pen-play.
Rob does have a great pen-is.
Great. Now I'm thinking about
Rob quizzing in his pants.
(LAUGHS)
OK. So what are the rules of combat?
Two rounds, 20 questions.
Question number one.
Gangnam Style
was the first music video
to exceed a billion views
on YouTube.
True or false?
And for a bonus two points, please
perform the Gangnam Style dance.
Segueing to bonus points. Love.
Yeah you da boss dot com, Rob.
Yes! Two points everyone!
Whoo!
Yes!
Except for Isabel.
(OTHERS LAUGH)
What?!
No! But I actually
I've never seen the dance.
And I never want to
see you do it again.
I wish we recorded that.
Oh, my God, it'd go anti-viral.
(GIGGLES)
Question number two.
The bearded lady Conchita Wurst
won Eurovision in 2014
with Rise Like A Phoenix.
What country is she from?
Um, dancing, Eurovision
This is rigged for Ramsay!
Uh, when has anything ever
been rigged for a gay black man?
Um
Call me when you've got the answer.
Just wait for the bonus round,
Isabel.
It's all astrology
and Federal legislation.
Oh! My Mercury is rising!
(PHONE RINGS)
Ah, better get that.
Could be the status quo changing.
Or mum.
Does he lose a point
for using his a phone?
Yeah, that doesn't look like a son
talking to his sick mum.
(LAUGHS)
Ladies and gentle-people
Who wants to be a Dillionaire?!
Greetings, Antipodeans.
Oh, I can't wait till we have
a vaccine for this virus.
Oh!
Well, what can't be cured
must be endured.
SOPHIE: What does that even mean?
I don't know. But it was poetic.
Um hey, Dylan.
We haven't met properly. I'm Rob.
Hi, Rob. Um it's really nice
to meet you, uh, properly.
Likewise.
Put it here.
Oh, no, it's your other hand.
Um what's happening?
Straight guy handshake.
Yeah, it's just guys being dudes.
Fist bump. Squid out, if you can.
So anyway, Dylan,
we were just playing some trivia.
Ah. Just a just a quiet night in?
Yeah, yeah. Just trivia.
Great. Well, I have a question.
Um who just got back from London?
Oh, are you back in Australia?
RAMSAY: Yes!
The return of the king!
Little Simba's all grown up,
back on the Pride Lands!
Yeah, but he's more like Uncle Scar.
What's with the surprise return?
Yeah, you could have warned us.
I did mention it to
Uh
To no-one!
Yeah, offence taken.
Yeah, it just
all happened so quickly.
One minute I was in London,
and then the next minute
I was back in sunny Brisbane. So
Brisbane?!
Not Melbourne?
Back to your roots, baby!
You're from Brisbane?
Yep, born and bred. Then I fled.
Ah, Queensland, huh?
Beautiful one day
and where culture goes to die
the next.
Whoa!
Uh, The Go-Betweens? Powderfinger?
Screamfeeder, Regurgitator,
The Saints.
Custard
The Bee Gees
OK, Gen X,
can we turn off Double J now?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is this a Brisbane bromance
I see before me?
Actually they do look like
Savage Garden.
(OTHERS LAUGH)
Ooh!
Yes!
Uh, Dylan,
where are you quarantining?
Is that like a macrame cafe?
Um, I'm at Jane's house.
Ah.
Who's Jane?
Oh, it's Dylan's hot sister.
Yeah, the one that Sophie
could not turn.
Ooh, predatory lesbian trope -
that's original.
Yeah, well, I probably should
just go and hang with
my 'hot sister' anyway.
So I'll let you get back to
Uh, no, wait.
Dylan, do you want to play?
Oh, I uh Sure.
I mean, if it's cool with
..the gang.
Yeah.
Oh, it's probably a little bit late
for Dylan to join, really.
Oh, damn! So do we have to
cancel trivia?
No, can't we just cancel Dylan?
If he stays, he plays.
Yes.
OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine.
Um, are you good, Rob?
Yeah, of course. You?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.
OK, question three.
Who am I?
Uh you're Robert.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
We're not calling out the answers.
We're writing them down.
The next time you call out,
that's a deduction.
Thanks, Is.
OK, who am I?
And bonus point.
My 100m sprint record is
A - 9.5 seconds,
B - 9.57 seconds,
C - 9.56 seconds.
OK, Soph, I'm just sending you
a movie title.
Mime the movie.
And first person to guess
gets five points.
OK, I've got it. I've got it.
Mime time!
RAMSAY: OK, calm down,
Charlie Chaplin.
Um
Uh uh?
Per person shooting man
in the head!
Bang-bang in the head.
Oh, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang!
American Sniper?
RAMSAY: Every Tarantino movie ever?
No!
What?
No idea. Groin? Crotch?
Pussy!
Seriously? That is just hostile.
Puss in Boots!
Josie and the Pussycats!
Cunt! Oh, country! Oh, my God!
Um No Country for Old Men.
Yes!
Oh, my God. I'm gonna be in bed
for a week after that.
Five points Isabel.
Thank you!
And fuck you, Marco, for making me
watch that movie a million times.
Yeah, exes - am I right?
Um, next question, babe.
Uh of course. Yeah.
Question four it is.
Which band had the hit album
Remain in Light.
Talking Heads!
Uh, whoops.
Just pretend I wrote that down.
Definite deduction.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
You're a Talking Heads fan, Ramsay?
Yeah, that's Mama's favourite band.
Didn't Lou make you go to school
dress-up day as David Byrne?
No, it was just
a regular school day.
(LAUGHTER)
It wasn't as bad as when Vijay made
Maddie dress up as Princess Diana.
(LAUGHS)
After the car crash.
(LAUGHS)
How did I not know about this?
Mate, it's the first picture you see
when you walk into
the Mishra's house.
Surely you've seen that.
No, I haven't
met Maddie's parents yet.
Oh, right. Well, yeah,
Vijay's a cracker.
I'm sure you'll love him.
Well, we've been in a pandemic
and they've been in Canberra.
OK, Rob, Rob, let's get this
trivia train back on the tracks.
Question five.
In this year's
MasterChef: Back to Win,
please name all the contestants
who comprise,
as Maddie and I call them,
the Asian Invasion.
Oh, uh, sorry. Dylan,
it's a bit of a localised question.
Do you want to sit it out?
Yeah, cool.
Cool. Cooking shows
are definitely not my thing.
Uh, hold on, Maddie's gonna get
all the points on this one.
Alright, can we start deducting Is
for every time she complains
about the scoring?
Yeah, Is! Can you just be
a bit less Isabel?
I'm not here to make friends.
OK, so name all the contestants.
And don't worry, Maddie's
only ever half-watching.
Um, no, I'm not.
You don't love it.
No, I, like, do.
I'm really getting into it.
In the past week.
From before, from the start.
Yeah are we still
talking about MasterChef?
Yes.
(CHUCKLES) OK.
Playing trivia and cooking.
This is a brand-spanking-new Maddie.
Wait, Maddie was in a kitchen
and didn't set fire to it?
(CHUCKLES) Lockdown miracle.
How did the ragout turn out?
The ragout?
Yeah, did the little bit of sugar
work in the ragout?
The ragout was great, Dylan.
A little sweet,
but we loved the ragout.
Oh. OK. Sorry, I didn't realise
it was a romantic ragout for two.
Can we please stop saying 'ragout'?
You tend to eat together
when you live together.
It wasn't really romantic, though,
you know. It was just ragout.
Yeah, well,
I thought it was romantic.
Yeah, well, glad I could help.
With the ragout!
OK, stage three restrictions
on the word 'ragout'.
Um, OK.
Question six.
Anagrams of countries.
I'll send them in the chat.
Maddie, you just sent
that to the group.
Shit. That was for, uh
A little sidebar chat?
Yeah, she was Sorry, she was just
replying to something I said, so
Yeah, what did you say?
Mate, just
I said you were dull.
But, you know, it was a dumb joke,
that's all.
OK, um
Let's take a break.
Rob
Hey, at least I got
the honesty I was after.
(BREATHES) Fuckin' hell.
Shit.
Dylan? Seriously, fuck off.
Yeah, I second that.
Yeah, too far, Dyl-do.
I felt that in my colon.
Yeah, I'm sorry, alright?
That was a that was a dick move.
Yep, correct answer.
One point.
Just get out, Dylan.
Now.
I have to go.
Yeah, it's just like when
Phi Phi O'Hara told Sharon Needles
to go back to Party City
where she belongs.
So, what, Rob's Sharon Needles?
Oh, no, he's definitely Phi Phi.
Mm.
Hey! Uh, what did Phi Phi
I mean, uh What did Rob say?
Nah, nothing.
What, he put you on mute
for, like, 20 minutes?
Yeah, yeah, basically.
I kept trying to apologise,
and he kept blanking me.
Oh, finally!
What?
Restrictions are being lifted
next week!
Oh, yes!
Send us a link.
Oh, yes! The Bar
is back in business, baby!
Here's to serving actual people,
who I can actually go home with.
Here's to swiping left on men
in real life!
Swipe right, babe. Swipe right.
I guess this means
we're winding up The Bar?
What? Why are we winding up The Bar?
How many more train wreck trivia
nights would you like to sit through?
Yeah, well, it's not our fault
that your love life
is a fucking rollercoaster.
Yeah, I'm ready to get off.
Ramsay, you're the one that
invited Dylan into The Bar!
I didn't know you were using Dylan
as some kind of secret spice rack.
Yeah, Mads, babe, you really need to
get Dylan out from under your skin.
Oh, OK, Is, because
you are so resolved about your ex
and never, ever go on about Marco.
Marco and I,
we have a child together.
So he's never going away,
unfortunately.
What's Dylan got with you?
If I answer that, I win the trivia?
Oh, just piss off, Sophie!
OK, I think everyone
is just a little tense
because we've gone
lockdown cray-cray.
You know, once the restrictions
lift, we can leave the house,
and just chill.
Yeah, well, some of us can.
What?
You've all been locked inside for,
what, six weeks and you've gone mad?
Like, you know this is my life.
No, I know.
I think he was just saying,
you know,
we can't wait till things
go back to normal.
I mean, not 'normal'
Yeah. No, no, no.
Normal like you guys go out to bars
and restaurants that I can't go to,
and, um, you go back to
not talking about that,
'cause, you know,
wouldn't that be uncomfortable?
Do you know that
the best thing about this lockdown
was hanging out with you guys
every night?
Yeah, like we used to.
Soph
No, no, no. Laters, haters.
(WHISPERS) Soph
(GROANS)
Wow.
Is there anyone else
I can piss off tonight?
Yeah, I think Soph was on all of us.
(PHONE RINGS)
Uh, I've gotta take this.
What am I even doing, Is?
What do you mean?
Wasn't I meant to be in Seoul?
Look at this apartment. It's so big.
None of this stuff is mine.
OK
I don't even know what day it is.
Mads, just step away
from the existential wormhole.
Um that was Dad.
Mum's been taken to the ICU.
I've gotta go.
Ramsay - shit!
Oh, Rams!
Fuck!
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Oh, that's probably Caring Karen
telling me to keep
my existential crisis down.
Hey, I'll just gonna text Rams and
let him know we'll wait up for him.
It's Dylan!
What?
Shit!
I should I should
tell him to go, right?
Babe
What?!
The fact that you
even had to ask me.
Yeah, but maybe I should
just ask him what he wants.
You! He wants you, Maddie.
Jesus! Oh, my
How does he even know
where you live? Is he stalking you?
I may have, um, maybe told him
about these apartments.
I (SIGHS)
You know you're actually messing up
a really great thing with Rob
and I just I can't watch this.
Is
Is!
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Maddie? Do you mind getting that?
Um, sure. But can we please
talk first?
Not now, OK? I'm still processing
Maddie!
Is that
Maddie!
Are you outside the apartment?
Maddie, can you just come down,
please?
One, two, three, four!
I'll make you crawl
I'll make you so sad you were mine
I'll make you stall
And, honey,
I'm sure that you will find
I'm telling you
I don't let go until I'm through
I'll make you cry
I'll make you
wish that you could die
I'm gonna be your demolition girl
Demolition girl! ♪
Mum's finished chemo
but she's not out of the woods yet.
Maddie, what is this house?
It's Rob's house.
I didn't expect to see you
so settled.
I wasn't
your Indian Courtney Love, OK?
Is this why you fucked off to London
without saying good-bye?
Do you miss it?
Hey!
Hi!
(GASPS)
Nothing says I'm proud of you
..like a bunch of cheap flowers
from the servo.
(GASPS)
Oh. Sorry.
Um, I'm gonna go.
We'll all be in
the same time zone next week.
What?
I'm coming home.
Hey, Rams, I'm gonna be
late for trivia, OK?
I've totally screwed this ragout.
Ah, Madhuri Mishra.
Who the fuck made you a housewife?
Lou! I'm cooking for Rob.
This ragout, it tastes like armpits.
(CHUCKLES)
How are you, Lou?
Ah, just another shit day.
Feeling a bit exhausted.
Don't worry. Ramsay's taking me
into the hospital.
Good.
Rob's sick.
He just took a COVID test and
now he's self-isolating in the study.
He even wears a mask
when he comes out.
Ramsay told me about
your little love triangle.
Yeah, it's a bit, uh complicated.
Nah, what's complicated about two
blokes wanting to jump your bones?
Semesa would love it
if I had another bloke on the go.
Poor thing gets tired out.
(CHUCKLES) So how did you know
that Semesa was the one you wanted?
It's not about what you want,
it's what you need.
And you know what you need, Maddie?
A kite flyer.
A kite flyer?
Mm.
Someone who'll hold your string
real tight,
so you can fly like a fucking kite.
And that's Rob, right? Or Dylan?
Yeah, but the problem is
when you're up there flying around,
you start crashing into other kites
and your strings get all tangled up.
So who am I tangled up with?
Rob or Dylan?
Anyway, I gotta go or
Semesa's gonna be pulling my string.
(CHUCKLES)
OK, can you tell Ramsay
I'm gonna be late for trivia, please?
Yeah, yeah,
because you're a shit cook.
See ya, Madhuri. (BLOWS KISS)
Bye, Lou. (BLOWS KISSES)
(COUGHS)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Right now, now
Now
Right now
Soon the Earth
may dissolve like smoke
We'll meet again in the air
All bound to glow
Now
Now
Right now
Now
Right ♪
Was it gross how Jock said Amina's
rice balls are greasy?
Totally. Another white chef telling
an Asian cook her food doesn't rate.
So MasterChef basics - we hate Jock
but we love Melissa?
Asian pride represents.
(CHUCKLES) OK, Melissa,
how was my ragout?
Uh, it's actually the most
edible meal you've ever cooked.
Edible is a low bar!
Compared to last night's stir-fry
that you could kill corona with.
Are you saying that I've been
sitting on a cure this whole time?
Maddie you can stop
the guilt cooking.
What do you mean?
You've been cooking
every night this week.
Ever since
you and Dylan, chatting online.
No, no, no.
I genuinely love cooking now.
Maddie, come on!
OK, um I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I just get weird when I see him.
Look, I was annoyed about
the Dylan thing, but I'm OK now.
So can we be honest
with each other from now on?
Yes.
And no more plating up, please.
My plate runneth over.
(CHUCKLES)
OK, Quizmaster.
Are you ready to host trivia?
Mmm, a social engagement
structured around knowledge
and a point-based reward system.
I was born ready.
(LAUGHS) Even your jokes
about being nerdy are nerdy.
See you in there!
No, I'm all about mindfulness,
but now I've got a toddler
reminding me to stay present
when I'm wiping his bum.
(LAUGHS)
Wait - did you say 'naked yoga'?
Ah! Kim and Kanye,
nice of you to join us.
Hellooooo, Kourtney, Khloe
and Kendall!
I'm clearly a Kylie.
Trivia is touching down.
I don't want trivia
touching me down anywhere.
Rams, it's gonna be
a tonne of fun
and I'm gonna destroy you.
Yeah, let's get quizzical!
Thanks, Olivia Newton-Trivia,
but this is not my Xanadu.
Oh, but it will be.
Get your skates on.
Get your paper. Get your pens.
Rrrr!
Oh, you call that a pen?
This is a pen.
Ooh, hitting my stationery G spot
with your pen-play.
Rob does have a great pen-is.
Great. Now I'm thinking about
Rob quizzing in his pants.
(LAUGHS)
OK. So what are the rules of combat?
Two rounds, 20 questions.
Question number one.
Gangnam Style
was the first music video
to exceed a billion views
on YouTube.
True or false?
And for a bonus two points, please
perform the Gangnam Style dance.
Segueing to bonus points. Love.
Yeah you da boss dot com, Rob.
Yes! Two points everyone!
Whoo!
Yes!
Except for Isabel.
(OTHERS LAUGH)
What?!
No! But I actually
I've never seen the dance.
And I never want to
see you do it again.
I wish we recorded that.
Oh, my God, it'd go anti-viral.
(GIGGLES)
Question number two.
The bearded lady Conchita Wurst
won Eurovision in 2014
with Rise Like A Phoenix.
What country is she from?
Um, dancing, Eurovision
This is rigged for Ramsay!
Uh, when has anything ever
been rigged for a gay black man?
Um
Call me when you've got the answer.
Just wait for the bonus round,
Isabel.
It's all astrology
and Federal legislation.
Oh! My Mercury is rising!
(PHONE RINGS)
Ah, better get that.
Could be the status quo changing.
Or mum.
Does he lose a point
for using his a phone?
Yeah, that doesn't look like a son
talking to his sick mum.
(LAUGHS)
Ladies and gentle-people
Who wants to be a Dillionaire?!
Greetings, Antipodeans.
Oh, I can't wait till we have
a vaccine for this virus.
Oh!
Well, what can't be cured
must be endured.
SOPHIE: What does that even mean?
I don't know. But it was poetic.
Um hey, Dylan.
We haven't met properly. I'm Rob.
Hi, Rob. Um it's really nice
to meet you, uh, properly.
Likewise.
Put it here.
Oh, no, it's your other hand.
Um what's happening?
Straight guy handshake.
Yeah, it's just guys being dudes.
Fist bump. Squid out, if you can.
So anyway, Dylan,
we were just playing some trivia.
Ah. Just a just a quiet night in?
Yeah, yeah. Just trivia.
Great. Well, I have a question.
Um who just got back from London?
Oh, are you back in Australia?
RAMSAY: Yes!
The return of the king!
Little Simba's all grown up,
back on the Pride Lands!
Yeah, but he's more like Uncle Scar.
What's with the surprise return?
Yeah, you could have warned us.
I did mention it to
Uh
To no-one!
Yeah, offence taken.
Yeah, it just
all happened so quickly.
One minute I was in London,
and then the next minute
I was back in sunny Brisbane. So
Brisbane?!
Not Melbourne?
Back to your roots, baby!
You're from Brisbane?
Yep, born and bred. Then I fled.
Ah, Queensland, huh?
Beautiful one day
and where culture goes to die
the next.
Whoa!
Uh, The Go-Betweens? Powderfinger?
Screamfeeder, Regurgitator,
The Saints.
Custard
The Bee Gees
OK, Gen X,
can we turn off Double J now?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is this a Brisbane bromance
I see before me?
Actually they do look like
Savage Garden.
(OTHERS LAUGH)
Ooh!
Yes!
Uh, Dylan,
where are you quarantining?
Is that like a macrame cafe?
Um, I'm at Jane's house.
Ah.
Who's Jane?
Oh, it's Dylan's hot sister.
Yeah, the one that Sophie
could not turn.
Ooh, predatory lesbian trope -
that's original.
Yeah, well, I probably should
just go and hang with
my 'hot sister' anyway.
So I'll let you get back to
Uh, no, wait.
Dylan, do you want to play?
Oh, I uh Sure.
I mean, if it's cool with
..the gang.
Yeah.
Oh, it's probably a little bit late
for Dylan to join, really.
Oh, damn! So do we have to
cancel trivia?
No, can't we just cancel Dylan?
If he stays, he plays.
Yes.
OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine.
Um, are you good, Rob?
Yeah, of course. You?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.
OK, question three.
Who am I?
Uh you're Robert.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
We're not calling out the answers.
We're writing them down.
The next time you call out,
that's a deduction.
Thanks, Is.
OK, who am I?
And bonus point.
My 100m sprint record is
A - 9.5 seconds,
B - 9.57 seconds,
C - 9.56 seconds.
OK, Soph, I'm just sending you
a movie title.
Mime the movie.
And first person to guess
gets five points.
OK, I've got it. I've got it.
Mime time!
RAMSAY: OK, calm down,
Charlie Chaplin.
Um
Uh uh?
Per person shooting man
in the head!
Bang-bang in the head.
Oh, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang!
American Sniper?
RAMSAY: Every Tarantino movie ever?
No!
What?
No idea. Groin? Crotch?
Pussy!
Seriously? That is just hostile.
Puss in Boots!
Josie and the Pussycats!
Cunt! Oh, country! Oh, my God!
Um No Country for Old Men.
Yes!
Oh, my God. I'm gonna be in bed
for a week after that.
Five points Isabel.
Thank you!
And fuck you, Marco, for making me
watch that movie a million times.
Yeah, exes - am I right?
Um, next question, babe.
Uh of course. Yeah.
Question four it is.
Which band had the hit album
Remain in Light.
Talking Heads!
Uh, whoops.
Just pretend I wrote that down.
Definite deduction.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
You're a Talking Heads fan, Ramsay?
Yeah, that's Mama's favourite band.
Didn't Lou make you go to school
dress-up day as David Byrne?
No, it was just
a regular school day.
(LAUGHTER)
It wasn't as bad as when Vijay made
Maddie dress up as Princess Diana.
(LAUGHS)
After the car crash.
(LAUGHS)
How did I not know about this?
Mate, it's the first picture you see
when you walk into
the Mishra's house.
Surely you've seen that.
No, I haven't
met Maddie's parents yet.
Oh, right. Well, yeah,
Vijay's a cracker.
I'm sure you'll love him.
Well, we've been in a pandemic
and they've been in Canberra.
OK, Rob, Rob, let's get this
trivia train back on the tracks.
Question five.
In this year's
MasterChef: Back to Win,
please name all the contestants
who comprise,
as Maddie and I call them,
the Asian Invasion.
Oh, uh, sorry. Dylan,
it's a bit of a localised question.
Do you want to sit it out?
Yeah, cool.
Cool. Cooking shows
are definitely not my thing.
Uh, hold on, Maddie's gonna get
all the points on this one.
Alright, can we start deducting Is
for every time she complains
about the scoring?
Yeah, Is! Can you just be
a bit less Isabel?
I'm not here to make friends.
OK, so name all the contestants.
And don't worry, Maddie's
only ever half-watching.
Um, no, I'm not.
You don't love it.
No, I, like, do.
I'm really getting into it.
In the past week.
From before, from the start.
Yeah are we still
talking about MasterChef?
Yes.
(CHUCKLES) OK.
Playing trivia and cooking.
This is a brand-spanking-new Maddie.
Wait, Maddie was in a kitchen
and didn't set fire to it?
(CHUCKLES) Lockdown miracle.
How did the ragout turn out?
The ragout?
Yeah, did the little bit of sugar
work in the ragout?
The ragout was great, Dylan.
A little sweet,
but we loved the ragout.
Oh. OK. Sorry, I didn't realise
it was a romantic ragout for two.
Can we please stop saying 'ragout'?
You tend to eat together
when you live together.
It wasn't really romantic, though,
you know. It was just ragout.
Yeah, well,
I thought it was romantic.
Yeah, well, glad I could help.
With the ragout!
OK, stage three restrictions
on the word 'ragout'.
Um, OK.
Question six.
Anagrams of countries.
I'll send them in the chat.
Maddie, you just sent
that to the group.
Shit. That was for, uh
A little sidebar chat?
Yeah, she was Sorry, she was just
replying to something I said, so
Yeah, what did you say?
Mate, just
I said you were dull.
But, you know, it was a dumb joke,
that's all.
OK, um
Let's take a break.
Rob
Hey, at least I got
the honesty I was after.
(BREATHES) Fuckin' hell.
Shit.
Dylan? Seriously, fuck off.
Yeah, I second that.
Yeah, too far, Dyl-do.
I felt that in my colon.
Yeah, I'm sorry, alright?
That was a that was a dick move.
Yep, correct answer.
One point.
Just get out, Dylan.
Now.
I have to go.
Yeah, it's just like when
Phi Phi O'Hara told Sharon Needles
to go back to Party City
where she belongs.
So, what, Rob's Sharon Needles?
Oh, no, he's definitely Phi Phi.
Mm.
Hey! Uh, what did Phi Phi
I mean, uh What did Rob say?
Nah, nothing.
What, he put you on mute
for, like, 20 minutes?
Yeah, yeah, basically.
I kept trying to apologise,
and he kept blanking me.
Oh, finally!
What?
Restrictions are being lifted
next week!
Oh, yes!
Send us a link.
Oh, yes! The Bar
is back in business, baby!
Here's to serving actual people,
who I can actually go home with.
Here's to swiping left on men
in real life!
Swipe right, babe. Swipe right.
I guess this means
we're winding up The Bar?
What? Why are we winding up The Bar?
How many more train wreck trivia
nights would you like to sit through?
Yeah, well, it's not our fault
that your love life
is a fucking rollercoaster.
Yeah, I'm ready to get off.
Ramsay, you're the one that
invited Dylan into The Bar!
I didn't know you were using Dylan
as some kind of secret spice rack.
Yeah, Mads, babe, you really need to
get Dylan out from under your skin.
Oh, OK, Is, because
you are so resolved about your ex
and never, ever go on about Marco.
Marco and I,
we have a child together.
So he's never going away,
unfortunately.
What's Dylan got with you?
If I answer that, I win the trivia?
Oh, just piss off, Sophie!
OK, I think everyone
is just a little tense
because we've gone
lockdown cray-cray.
You know, once the restrictions
lift, we can leave the house,
and just chill.
Yeah, well, some of us can.
What?
You've all been locked inside for,
what, six weeks and you've gone mad?
Like, you know this is my life.
No, I know.
I think he was just saying,
you know,
we can't wait till things
go back to normal.
I mean, not 'normal'
Yeah. No, no, no.
Normal like you guys go out to bars
and restaurants that I can't go to,
and, um, you go back to
not talking about that,
'cause, you know,
wouldn't that be uncomfortable?
Do you know that
the best thing about this lockdown
was hanging out with you guys
every night?
Yeah, like we used to.
Soph
No, no, no. Laters, haters.
(WHISPERS) Soph
(GROANS)
Wow.
Is there anyone else
I can piss off tonight?
Yeah, I think Soph was on all of us.
(PHONE RINGS)
Uh, I've gotta take this.
What am I even doing, Is?
What do you mean?
Wasn't I meant to be in Seoul?
Look at this apartment. It's so big.
None of this stuff is mine.
OK
I don't even know what day it is.
Mads, just step away
from the existential wormhole.
Um that was Dad.
Mum's been taken to the ICU.
I've gotta go.
Ramsay - shit!
Oh, Rams!
Fuck!
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Oh, that's probably Caring Karen
telling me to keep
my existential crisis down.
Hey, I'll just gonna text Rams and
let him know we'll wait up for him.
It's Dylan!
What?
Shit!
I should I should
tell him to go, right?
Babe
What?!
The fact that you
even had to ask me.
Yeah, but maybe I should
just ask him what he wants.
You! He wants you, Maddie.
Jesus! Oh, my
How does he even know
where you live? Is he stalking you?
I may have, um, maybe told him
about these apartments.
I (SIGHS)
You know you're actually messing up
a really great thing with Rob
and I just I can't watch this.
Is
Is!
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Maddie? Do you mind getting that?
Um, sure. But can we please
talk first?
Not now, OK? I'm still processing
Maddie!
Is that
Maddie!
Are you outside the apartment?
Maddie, can you just come down,
please?
One, two, three, four!
I'll make you crawl
I'll make you so sad you were mine
I'll make you stall
And, honey,
I'm sure that you will find
I'm telling you
I don't let go until I'm through
I'll make you cry
I'll make you
wish that you could die
I'm gonna be your demolition girl
Demolition girl! ♪