Rev. (2010) s01e05 Episode Script

This programme contains some strong language.
LAUGHTER Usual, is it? Share the joke.
Oh, it's a bit rude.
Oh, I can do rude.
No, it's all right, Vicar.
Go on.
Does it help if I do that? Please, it involves the word "clitoris".
I can't.
STIFLED LAUGHTER BUZZ OF CHATTING AND LAUGHTER Loneliness.
It's not a barrel of laughs, is it? I mean, I try to be all things to all people - accepting, friendly, a shoulder to cry on, but I still end up being invisible.
Mr Cellophane.
Well, the Reverend Cellophane.
Is that right, Lord? Is that a perk of the job? Where other people get company cars and BlackBerrys, I get isolation and loneliness.
Or maybe I'm a little bit rubbish.
Maybe I'm just your typical boring Church of England figurehead.
I know you're meant to be my best friend, Lord, but I wouldn't mind one in human form, as well, preferably living in London for easy access.
Speak to me, Lord.
Monday? No, I'm delivering Communion To Go at the hospital.
Not to worry, I'm out with Clarrie.
From the Archers? No, Citizens Advice Bureau.
Is Clarrie the cow from the Archers? I don't know.
Tuesday? Why do I picture her as bovine? Is she fat? Well, she's on the radio, I don't know.
Maybe she sounds fat.
Tuesday Oh, bollocks.
What? Nigel sent me a Friend Request on Facebook.
We're supposed to be going through our diaries.
It's only in the background.
I'll ignore.
How many friends has he got? Can you tell? Yes.
Er 383?! You're sure it's the same Nigel? Tuesday? Oh, it's Julie Oates's hen night.
Sorry.
The barrister? Yeah.
It's fancy dress.
I'm not looking forward to it.
What are you going as? A roll-on deodorant.
Isn't that cruel? Doesn't she pong a bit? No, that's Honky Helen.
Wednesday? Can I have some of your friends? Can I go to Julie's hen night as a roll-on deodorant? Would anyone notice? You hate my friends.
You say Julie swears too much.
It's just when she used the C word in a soft play area.
There were toddlers present.
But she was talking about Jeremy Clarkson, so there were extenuating circumstances.
Wednesday? Show me Nigel's picture.
Isn't that Simon Le Bon? Yes.
People do it a lot on here.
They put up a picture of a celebrity, thinking it's quirky, whereas actually it makes them look like what Julie called Jeremy Clarkson.
Wednesday? Oh, no I'm going out with Oh, all right, you're got loads of friends and I've got none.
Not too much to ask, is it, just one measly friend? What about your parishioners? I can't be their friend.
I'm their vicar.
I've got to be "on" at all times.
Be nice, be a crumb of support whenever they need it, little crumb here, big crumb there till there's only a mangy bit of crust left.
What about me, Alex? Where's my piece of bread? Who's going to offer me a wholemeal bloomer with the lightest of sprinklings of sunflower seeds on the top? Are you on Facebook, Colin? Nah, I haven't got wifi.
Or a dongle.
Or a computer.
Me life's shit.
I see a black cloud has descended, metaphorically.
I just feel dead lonely, Adam.
Do you ever feel like that? I'm sure Jesus felt lonely when he was nailed to that cross.
I wasn't talking about Jesus.
No, I know.
I suppose what I was trying to say, badly, is that we all do.
We're dead alike, me and you, aren't we? Well Y'know, lonely bastards, Billy no mates.
Lost souls in the wilderness.
I've been to the wilderness.
Dodgy club in Moss Side.
Used to go in there Friday night and not see daylight till the Monday.
Let's just say I've looked in the Devil's eyes.
I've got to meet my prospective marriage couple.
Busy, busy, busy.
Hiya! You must be the Father.
Adam, please, and you are Leon and Debs.
Put it there, mate.
Nice to meet yer.
What a joyous occasion.
Erm, normally just burying and incinerating people here, so Shall we go through? Yeah, the other vicar just told us to wait here, so The other vicar? Adam? Ah, Facebook's Mr Le Bon.
Oh, I've moved on from that.
I saw it for the immature frivolity it was.
I don't even know what you're doing here.
I'm Desmond Tutu now.
I steer clear of sex, you'll be pleased to hear.
The Church of England assumes you've both given each other a test drive these days.
Fuck a duck! Leon, Jesus! Sorry.
What? Unless your virgins, of course, which is fine.
We've got three kids.
Wonderful.
Erm, in a way, I guess it's like going through a moral or spiritual checklist just to make sure you understand what you're getting involved with, if that doesn't sound too patronising.
I do a good line in patronising.
Ask my wife.
Can I be honest with you, mate? Of course.
When I wanted a mortgage, I had to pretend I wasn't self-employed so they'd take me seriously.
I knew it, mortgage bloke knew it.
But you know what? I got my mortgage.
Bottom line is, Adam .
.
do you need me to lie? No.
The only thing I would probably ask is why here? Why in church? Why this church? It's not as if the ornamental garden's going to look amazing in the photos.
Have you got an ornamental garden? Er, there's the Bamboo Garden, but that's the Chinese across the road.
Top! I was baptised here.
My godmother still worships at St Saviour's.
Adoha? Oh! My number one fan.
Aww! And me hers.
She used to bring you all the time, didn't she? Yeah.
I remember wearing these tight jeans once and the vicar, Father England, he said, "Ooh you've got really fleshy tabernacles".
Adoha wouldn't let me be on my own with him after that.
Hm.
Still, it's funny what you remember, innit? Yeah Indeed.
Anyway, erm I remember all the smoky stuff and the vicar singing.
Oh, incense? Yeah, that's it.
Oh, I love all that.
Er, we don't really go in for that these days.
We've crept a little bit lower down the candle.
Right Only I really wanted all the smoky stuff.
Incense.
Yeah.
We'll pay extra.
It doesn't really work like that.
The previous incumbent ran away to Rome without so much as a backward glance.
Oh, I do love Italy.
What am I like with tiramisu, Leon? She's mad for it.
Mm.
But he joined the Roman Catholic Church, and, er, I was given this job here because my parishioners had had enough of the old bells and smells.
Oh, Adoha! Hello-a.
Hello, sweetheart.
Adam, darling, I hope I'm not too early.
I've come to take Deborah Jane to meet the florist.
Oh! Oh, such lovely thick hair.
Like a big bush.
Yeah, I guess we're just about done.
Yeah, what are you going to do then, babes? Don't suppose you've got time for a quick HE WHISTLES Oh! Well, I guess one won't hurt.
Debs, she's the nuts, yeah? Yeah.
No, I looked at her, and I thought, "She's great".
Check that out.
Three o'clock.
So, you love your missus, then, eh, Adam? Yeah? Alex? Yeah, she's the nuts, really big ones.
Brazil nuts, possibly.
She sees beyond all this.
Well, you're just a bloke, at the end of the day.
You get me? I so get you.
Well, that dog collar's just a bit of window dressing, innit? Ooh, hey-hey! Who's the daddy, eh? Me the daddy.
You the daddy! Lovely.
Look who I found in the closet.
Is this yours? Your predecessor had them stashed all over the place like guilty secrets.
Well, it's hardly kiddy porn.
Isn't it? Ah, this is what I'm looking for.
What do you intend to do with that? Er, I thought I'd use it as a handbag.
Not seriously considering popping up, are we? Kicking with the other foot, going a little bit Abramovich? Roman.
I'm doing it for Leon.
We've become quite pally, and I want to give him a day to remember, that's all.
We're not a country house hotel.
Bending over backwards to keep guests happy.
PHONE BEEPS It's just one service.
Ha! Leon's so out there.
Hm! If the archdeacon gets wind of this I'm not toying with swimming the Tiber and joining the flight to Rome, it's just one wedding.
When I heard the previous incumbent's sigh, "O for the tintinnabulation of a pregnant thurible," I thought, "Trouble, here we come".
I do not want to go through that again.
PHONE BEEPS Ah, classic! How top was that, eh? See you later.
Wotcher.
GASPING FOR BREATH Word has come down to me from Nigel, even though I continuously turn down his endless request to be my digital friend, that you're considering employing a distinctive form of Latinate choreography in your divine theatre.
Oh, is this about the wedding? What sort of church is this now, Adam? I'm merely trying to recreate a happy memory for a friend by offering them a sung Eucharist during their wedding.
Correct me if I'm wrong, Adam, the nuptial mass can only be granted to an affianced who's a regular communicant.
Or who has familial connections.
Adoha is her godmother.
Well, that's absolutely no reason for bigging up the service.
Why throw away the tiny amount you've achieved by creeping up the candle? Remember your predecessor.
Of course.
What exactly do you stand for, Adam? I take a literary and critical view of Scripture as divinely inspired, but not inerrant.
I see the Bible as a metaphor.
It's a brilliant record of human kind coming to understand itself, it's a really good attempt at some very big questions, but it wasn't divine dictation, it was written over many hundreds of years by Yes, yes, thank you, I've been baptised not lobotomised.
I've got to go and meet some friends for sushi, so just answer me this.
Are you going to jump ship and bugger off to Rome? No.
Oh, good, because if you ever do, Adam, I will masticate you thoroughly, rather like the flaps of raw fish I'm about to enjoy.
PHONE BEEPS Calm down, Adam, it's just your new best friend.
They're nearly here.
How do you do that smiley face thing on a text? Babe, erm, shirt in or out? "Babe"? I reckon outs more chillaxed.
FRONT DOOR BUZZES I'm going to get changed.
Won't be long.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Me casa es tu casa, right? Yeah, yeah, me vicarage es tu vicarage.
Aw, can't wait to meet Alex.
Is that short for Alexandra? No, Judith.
Er, that sounds like her now.
She was changing her dress.
I think she wants to make the right impression.
Aw! It's funny when you meet someone new, innit? Cos you just don't know if you're going to get on or hate their guts.
Hello! Oh, hello! Hi.
Bloody hell! Leon! Lexi.
"Lexi"? THE Lexi? Sorry? Do you know each other? Oh, my We were at uni together.
God, it's been Fifteen years.
You look brilliant.
You haven't changed a bit.
This is actually a bit weird.
No, this is amazing! I couldn't have planned it better.
What do you mean, THE Lexi? Nothing.
Eh? You said she was that girl Nothing.
Nothing.
Anyone hungry? I could eat a pensioner's leg.
Give us a hand with the plates, will you, darling? What a coincidence, as the actress said to the bishop! How weird is it that my godmother's vicar is married to my fiance's ex? That is actually messing with my head, you know.
We were young, weren't we, Lexi? We certainly were.
So, what have you been doing with yourself? Oh, ducking and diving, keeping meself out of trouble.
You? Yeah, same.
Alex has got a really good job, actually.
She's a solicitor.
A lot of Legal Aid work.
I sometimes think she helps a lot more people than I do.
Well Here, Adam, we were playing this game the other night, right? What was it called again, Leon? I forget.
Therapy.
Yeah, that was it.
Anyw Debs? Therapy? You were playing a game It was nothing, really.
Was it? Well, it was just one of those questions, you know, "where's the most unusual place you've had sex" type of thing, and Leon said a double-decker bus with this girl from uni called Lexi.
Sounds like you were a little goer in your day.
Well, it wasn't full sex.
Er, so, Adam was saying you've got how many kids? Three.
Oh! And what makes? All girls.
Did you want to see a photo? You didn't bother? Erm, we toyed with a dog, but I see you plumped for two nice puppies.
What does, "It wasn't full sex, " mean? Oh, well, it was fifteen years ago.
It was five minutes of my life.
No change there, then.
It's not worth getting in a twist over.
It was nothing.
Oh, I just don't understand how one differentiates between full sex and not full sex on a double-decker bus.
It kind of begs the question, was it upstairs or downstairs, were there other passengers, was there a ticket inspector offering words of encouragement, could people see from the pavement, the houses you were going by? Did you try it on any forms of public transport.
A train, perhaps? Or monorail? Adam, there's no need to be childish.
What? FRONT DOOR BUZZES Oh, you think I'm jealous about an unimportant incident that may or may not have involved penetration on a double-decker bus the better part of, what, twenty years ago? Well, go on, mate.
You'd get a bus through there.
All right, vicarage, these are all knocked off.
Phone the pigs.
Go on, phone the pigs.
I want locking up.
I've got a screw loose.
I'm a psychopath.
Only don't put me in the loony bin.
Prison, put me in prison.
Why? All me real mates are inside.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Colin, I can't deal with this right now.
Sorry.
OK! See you, mate.
Well, that went well(!) Yes, it was a huge success.
I love it when I find out my new best friend has previous with my wife.
What a hoot.
It's not my fault, Adam.
After all the trouble I've been to for them.
He was so flirty with you.
He wasn't that Puppies? Puppies! And she's a bit too fond of the sauce, if you ask me.
He's always been like that.
Well, I wouldn't know, I didn't have a bunk-up with him on a bus back in 1948.
Jealous? Just because you're a little bit in love with him, Adam, doesn't mean I'm going to be as well.
I'm actually trying to sleep.
Oh, are you? Well, glad one of us can.
Oh, shut up.
No, you shut up.
Oh, I'm not actually listening to you.
"I'm not actually listening to you"! Well, I'm not talking to you.
Oh, hallelujah.
Sorry, God, I just can't believe she went out with that arsehole.
This is pathetic.
Come on, grow up.
It's ridiculous we're not talking to each other due to this.
Of course Alex has a sexual past.
I know that.
In fact, I even like that.
I just don't particularly want my face rubbed in it, thanks, if that's OK.
I mean, what on earth did she see in him? It's not his brains and personality is it? Oh, I'm being jealous? I'm sorry, Lord, it's weak, but it hurts.
I think I'd just rather that my lovely wife's previous partners turned out to be fascinating people with interesting diplomatic careers in remote places rather than Leon the leery geezer bloke who I thought was my new friend.
All right, mate? Leon.
Wondered if you fancied a jog.
I'm quite busy, actually.
What, getting ready for Saturday? Huh.
No, the life of the Church doesn't revolve your marriage to Debs, believe it or not.
how about a drink later? My stag do.
Bit of a pub crawl.
Yeah, I promised Alex we'd have some supper, so, erm What, even though you're speaking to her? We're Facebook friends, we chat and shit, yeah? Listen, she's a good girl, you want to look after her.
Well, I'll do my best.
Are you masturbating, Leon? Car keys.
Oh, sorry.
I just get it into my head sometimes that you're a bit of a wanker.
Benedictus, benidicat, per Jesum Christum dominum nostrum.
Aaa .
.
men.
Be great to be a Catholic priest, wouldn't it, Nigel, parading up and down like that? There is something rather sympathique about that image, yes.
And what would they call me, Nigel? Well, not Nigel, no.
That's my name.
"Father.
" None of this over familiar "Adam" nonsense.
The congregation would hang on my every word.
I'd only have to glance at them and they'd quake, certain in the knowledge that they were known.
I would smite them and, at the last, as the worms return their flesh to the dust from whence they came, with their final breath they would thank me for the ultimate ecstatic revelation of the divine.
Bit lonely in the evenings, though.
I take it you'll be singing at the wedding, then? Yes, I shall be belting out my best Nessun Dorma during the signing of the register.
I was referring to the Nuptial Mass.
I know you were.
I was making a joke, Nigel.
Maybe you should ask one of your Facebook friends what those are.
Well, I hope you've been taking lessons.
If your performance at harvest and karaoke evening was anything to go by, we're in for a treat(!) Morning, Adoha.
Everything ready for the big day? Oh, good morning, Adam.
I am a-quiver with excitement this luscious morning.
All right, dude? Dude.
I am so pleased Deborah Jane is finally going to marry her hulking great beau.
Isn't he handsome, Adam, mm? Devilishly.
Could make a lady go weak at the knees, mm? Without a shadow of a doubt.
The second most handsome man in this parish, mm? Yep, big mm.
Why are you never this nice to me? I am nice to you.
I made you a Swiss roll once.
With marzipan.
Mm.
No fucker puts marzipan in a Swiss roll.
You're a piss taker, Adoha.
Hello.
I live in the parish and I wanted to talk to my bizarrely overdressed priest, if at all possible.
Don't be alarmed, it's just a birreta and a lacy cotta.
My husband's not speaking to me, you see, and I guessed my priest would have to.
There are a couple of things he needs to know.
Well, if you want to stay for the service, then perhaps we can talk afterwards.
I won't be coming.
I think that would be hypocritical.
Because you still have feelings for him? Yes.
He makes me feel sick.
He sent me a text saying, "Fancy going on a bus sometime?" What did you say? I said I don't like to use public transport.
I've got to go out there and marry him.
Well, you've got to, get him off my back.
No, it goes against everything I stand for, everything the Church stands for.
Adam! Hold me, hold me tight! What's the matter, Adoha? What's the matter? What's the matter? Debs has got cold feet.
She saw one of Leon's texts.
He's been a naughty boy.
She hacked into his computer and saw some very racy e-mails.
Now I have to tell him the wedding is off! Would you like me to tell him? I have to go now.
Upset goes to my bladder.
Thought he was everything I wasn't.
Thought he could give you stuff I couldn't.
He's only got to look at a woman and she gets pregnant.
I don't want kids.
And I've already got one.
A great big one, stupid.
And you don't need a new best friend.
I want to be your best friend.
I want to be your big piece of bread.
Leon? All right, mate.
Got a shocking hangover.
Is that bad? I've got two things to tell you.
The first is Debs doesn't want to marry you.
You're having a laugh! No.
Bitch.
What? What? You're an odious slug.
So what's the second thing? Second thing is stay away from my bloody wife.
That's not a problem.
She ain't all that, anyway.
To think I thought you were my friend.
I don't need you any more.
You can't hold your beer, you're a shit runner and your clothes are crap.
We'll just get married in a registry office.
What are you going to do, beg her? Oh, you're the big man now, are you? You don't scare me, Leon.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Come here and say that.
Come on.
Yeah? Yeah! Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah? Hello, Vicarage.
Oh, I love jogging, me.
Oh, hello, Colin.
Where we going? I don't know.
Where do you want to go? I know a cracking little pub about a quarter of a mile up the road.
Have you got any money? No, but I've got a tab in there.
Well, don't worry, I'm buying.