Ripping Yarns (1976) s01e05 Episode Script

The earth, our world.
And yet, a mere century ago we knew only a small fraction of its surface.
But man, with his ever-increasing, seemingly insatiable search for knowledge, began to roll back the barriers.
A new breed of man, intrepid and resourceful, began to search for the impossible.
Commander Robert Peary reached the North Pole in 1909.
Roald Amundsen conquered Antarctica to reach the South Pole two years later.
And in 1927 Captain Walter Snetterton, least known of all English explorers, decided to go across the Andes by frog.
Walter Snetterton was a soldier and amateur zoologist who dedicated his life to the study of amphibians.
He was obsessed by their potential for survival in hostile environments and at high altitudes.
After eight years of frog research at the Royal Zoological Institute, Snetterton felt ready to test his theories in one of the most inhospitable mountain ranges on earth.
In March 1927, he left for the town of Quequeña in Peru.
right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Come on, move along.
Get those Careful with the frogs! Hardy outside to Ferguson, and Ferguson - a long ball across the field to try and find the head of Irving just inside the Arsenal penalty area.
But it's the burly form of Baker who rises above the goal mouth to head that one firmly away to touch.
Still no score, but the pressure is increasing now on Arsenal, and this is Sloan with the throw-in 10 yards from the Arsenal goal line, and it's Ferguson who picks it up, Kennedy tries to tackle.
Ferguson rides it well, puts it out to Keenor.
Finds Keenor, Keenor turns it inside to Curtis.
Curtis to Ferguson, Ferguson's on to it, and it's clipped in! Ferguson has scored for Cardiff City! Or is it an own goal? What a mistake by Lewis! Whatever he did, the referee has indicated that it's a goal, and Cardiff go one up in this tremendously exciting 1927 cup final.
The crowd Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right.
Left, right certainly will compete in this magnificent stadium, I'm sure.
Well, 19 minutes left, and Arsenal kick off, - determined to fight back - Left, right.
Left, right.
Expeditionhalt! Right.
Get the frogs in the shade, Sergeant Major, and give them plenty of slime.
Companyrightturn! Bearersfallout! Put those boxes over there! Go on! Go on! Put the boxes over there! Come on, move along.
Put them in the shade.
Well, there doesn't seem to be any official welcome of any kind.
No, sir.
I noticed that, sir.
Remarkable absence of an official welcome, sir! - Oily rag, sir? - What? - Fag, sir.
- No, no, thank you.
Cor! Isn't half peasy.
Eh? to take the ball safely away and up inside the Arsenal half again.
But the referee judges Hello.
Hello! Hey, what you doing? Is the cup final! We are the expedition from England.
I am Captain Snetterton.
Please, only 15 minute.
Cardiff one-nil.
It's a great final! Please, we have come here to cross the Andes.
I don't know.
Do you want me to clout him, sir? Punch him right in the face? No, no, Sergeant Major.
That won't work.
- Hello! Hello! and it's Keenor inside to Irving - Captain Snetterton? - That's right.
My name's Gregory.
I'm the - I'm the Vice Consul here.
- Ah.
Come and have a woman.
I won't, thank you.
I have to get the frogs housed.
I want to do a quick recce of the approach slope of the Cordillera before nightfall.
Ah, yes, of course.
But I only got your telegram yesterday.
And that's why the place isn't quite, uh There was going to be a band to meet you, a political prisoner's band from Lima.
Excellent.
- I'll tell you what you can do.
Get me a couple of guides.
- Girl Guides? - Guides.
For the mountains.
I want men who know those mountains backwards.
Every ravine, every track, every gully.
Yes, I'm afraid you won't get anyone tonight.
What do you mean? Well, it's cup final.
Especially if Cardiff win.
Listen, man, if we can walk 104 miles in five days, the least you can do is provide me with a couple of guides.
I want them here bysix.
Well, not on cup final night, Captain.
It's their big celebration of the year.
Look Well, all right, all right.
But tomorrow at first light.
Oh! It's Wimbledon Fortnight.
Wimbledon Fortnight? Yes, they won't give up they won't give up their Wimbledon.
Mr Gregory, those frogs have been in training for months.
They're mentally and physically at their peak.
A delay could be fatal.
Well, I suppose I might find someone.
Not all of them are interested in the early rounds, but I, uh - I can't promise you the best.
- I don't care how you do it, Gregory.
I want a guide who knows those routes and I want them soon.
Yes, of course, Captain.
- Score? - Cardiff, one-nil.
Oh, Captain Snetterton? Good morning, Mr Gregory.
I've, uh I've managed to find you a guide.
Oh, good man.
She knows the mountains like the back of her hand.
Both her sons were mountain guides.
The best.
Well, why aren't they here? - Both dead, I'm afraid.
Fell down a ravine.
- But surely she's not the That's the best you'll find in Wimbledon Fortnight.
- What is she saying? - Er, she says, er - "Great win for Cardiff.
" - Oh.
Thank you.
On May the 9th, 1927, shortly after midday, Snetterton and RSM Bing made the first reconnaissance with their new mountain guide.
I think these boulders are too smooth and sharp for a front assault, Sergeant Major.
We need some sand or gravel-based approach, so the frogs can grip.
Erm Excuse me! Er Excuse me! - Could you tell her to stop, Sergeant Major? - Don't know what "stop" is, sir.
Well, it's "stop" in, er in Spanish.
Uh Stoppo.
Erm Arresto.
Oh, I know what "stop" is in Norwegian, sir.
It's Stanse.
Stanse! She's not going to understand Norwegian, Sergeant Major.
They're Spanish! No, no, no.
That's not Spanish, sir.
- They're Indian.
- Say something in Indian, for God's sake.
- She's gonna be in Brazil in 20 minutes.
- I think I know it in Indian, sir.
Well, go on, use it, man! All right, now, what was it? "Damasi", I think.
Damasi! Damasi? Oh! ¡Sí, sí, comprendo! ¡Sí! Ah! That seems to have done the trick.
Well done, Sergeant Major.
Right.
Carry on.
We did not ask for schoolgirls.
She says that the fat one specifically asked for schoolgirls.
We merely asked you to go no further.
We wanted you to stop.
Do you understand? Damasi.
Oh, you did ask for schoolgirls.
If you'd only said so, old sport, we could have fixed you up.
All I wanted was for this so-called guide to stop rushing around all over the Andes.
There was no mention of any schoolgirls.
- We merely asked her to stop - Damasi means schoolgirl.
charging around like some - Sergeant Major? - Sir? I'd like to see you back in my tent immediately.
Yes, sir.
Shall I, er, bring the schoolgirls, sir? Shut up.
The frogs are restless tonight, Sergeant Major.
Yes, sir.
It's their nerves, sir.
They can hear the thunder.
They know the rain's coming.
It's like, uh Well, like the first night on the stage, sir.
They want to get going.
Like, what if you was playing Hamlet, sir.
You want to get out there, get a few belters, then you're all right.
That's what the frogs are feeling, sir.
They're in a right old two and eight.
Fascinating thing, the frog mind.
Oh, yes, sir.
Do you know you could carry on a conversation with a frog, Sergeant Major? Oh, yes, sir.
So they say, sir.
Oh, yes.
I've often chatted to them, you know.
They have a surprisingly wide vocabulary.
You see, each croak contains within it thousands of little resonances, a whole complex variety of variations and modulations which can express dozens of concepts, thoughts, ideas.
Do you realise, Sergeant Major, that which each inflation of the vocal sac Oik! the frog is expressing a whole theory of amphibian social organisation.
"Oik! This is my territory.
" "Oik! This particular piece of vegetation is my own.
" I like watching them mate, sir.
Yes, well, you would.
- They get in each other's mouths, sir.
- Of course they don't.
Well, they got no Got no organ, sir.
Imagine what life would be like if you had nothing in your trousers, sir.
What on earth's going on out there? You'd better come quickly, Captain.
A spot of bother with the frogs.
Oh, my God! - By Jove! They've got one of the boxes.
- Shall I let 'em have it, sir? - No, fire above their heads, Sergeant Major.
- How about above their knees, sir? Above their heads, Sergeant Major.
We don't want to lose their goodwill by killing them.
As you say, sir.
- I'd better just shoot a couple of 'em, sir.
- No, no, no.
Let me talk to them.
- Remember, they don't speak English, sir.
- It doesn't matter, Sergeant Major.
It's the attitude they respect.
Now then, what's going on here, eh?! Put that down at once, you hear? Right.
- Who's in charge here, eh? Come on! Who organised this? Come on.
Ah! Well what's the meaning of this? Eh? What's the matter? Oh, don't worry about him.
He wants a three-chamber national assembly, universal adult suffrage, land reform, abolition of censorship.
All sorts of nonsense, I mean half the stuff they haven't even got in Europe yet, let alone here.
Now, what's going on? Please! Please! You're alarming the frogs.
- Yes, there's trouble, I'm afraid.
- Why? I'm afraid they say that is because of you.
What? The thunder? Well, it's not thunder, my boy.
I only wish it was.
No.
Now, that's El Misti, the volcano.
I'm afraid, he says the frogs are bringing bad luck to the village.
Uh They're making El Misti restless.
Uh, he'll rain down fire and ashes.
- And molten lava.
- It's ruining the radio reception.
- But what have my frogs got to do with it? Well, the frogs are imprisoned, their souls are appealing to the gods.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm not gonna let a lot of superstitious claptrap get in the way of an expedition.
Get away from these boxes! Get away from these boxes! Mr Gregory, tell these people to get back to their homes immediately! Mount a 24-hour guard on the frog boxes, Sergeant Major.
Sir.
I'm holding you responsible for the safety of those frogs.
Don't you worry, sir.
If anyone looks at them boxes, I'll let them have it right in the orchestra stalls.
Just guard the boxes, Sergeant Major.
You don't have to kill anybody.
Oh, you got to kill someone, sir, if you're guarding.
No, no.
You don't have to.
You only have to look as though you would, if you had to.
Ah, but you've gotta be prepared to, if you do have to.
- All right.
Go on.
- Right.
Have I got your permission to kill someone, sir? No, no, no.
I'm not going to give you carte blanche to kill just anybody.
Oh, no, sir.
- Only if I have to.
- Yes.
- Right.
- Right.
So, if they so much as glance at them boxes If If they come up to the boxes, if they attempt to release the frogs, and if they ignore all your warnings to the contrary, then and only then, may you be forced to, er use your weapon.
And kill 'em, sir.
- All right.
But don't go on about it.
- Oh, no, sir.
Don't you worry, sir.
Leave it up to me, sir.
I'll give them a warning shot, sir.
Between the eyes.
I say, old boy, want a bit of advice? Get out while the going's good.
I'm afraid I'm not used to the word "failure", Mr Gregory.
These people have been living with that volcano for centuries.
You can't just walk in and tell them it's a lot of superstitious phooey.
The expedition will go ahead as planned, Mr Gregory.
And Quequeña will remain our headquarters.
Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
There's gonna be trouble.
Thank you, Mr Gregory.
Double the guard on the frog boxes, Sergeant Major.
We can't afford to take any chances.
Sir! Johnson! Come over here! At the double! Captain Snetterton spent a sleepless night.
By the morning, he'd decided to forego another recce and set off at dawn.
Two frogs were to lead off up the northwest face - the European tree frog, striking out west towards the Conococha Pass, and the Italian agile frog going for the summit.
The two edible frogs and the European marsh frogs were to remain at base camp, with the Himalayan sleeping frog to be held in reserve for the 200-mile push towards the Brazilian border.
If there was any time left, they would go on to look for the source of the Amazon and the so called "silly"route to India.
- But time was running out.
And he was aware that he was confronted by forces as strong and elemental as nature herself.
I fell asleep then, Sar't Major.
Sar't Major? Sar't Major? Corporal Miller! Who's that? Is that you, Miller? Oh, cor! I thought you were one of the nig-nogs, sir.
I wish you wouldn't call them nig-nogs, Sergeant Major.
They're rational human beings with an indigenous culture as worthy of respect as our own.
Yes, sir.
I've just been having a bash with one of them too, sir.
Oh, a right bit of stuff she was, sir.
Have you been fraternizing with the natives? - Well, a bit more than just fraternizing, sir.
- You're supposed to be guarding the boxes! I couldn't get away, sir.
Every time I pulled me round the houses up, she pulls them down again, sir.
Then, you see, she had this idea, sir.
- In one corner of the room, there's a big - Look, I don't want to hear about it! Yes, sir! It's absolutely disgusting! I put you in charge of guarding the frogs at a very critical time, and you go off hobnobbing with a native girl.
This is a scientific expedition, Sergeant Major, and you must not, repeat, not fraternize with the natives.
- Valid though their culture is.
- Sorry, sir.
We'll forget about it this time.
I've got more important things to do.
I've decided we'll set out today.
I think it's the real thing this time, sir.
What? Love, I mean, sir.
What are you talking about? I want to marry her, sir.
Marry her? Marry her.
I want to marry her, sir.
Sergeant Major, I don't think you realise the gravity of your situation.
You desert your post, then you expect me to give you permission for some squalid liaison with a native girl.
You know perfectly well what it says in the King's Regulations about mixed marriages in the forces.
Yes, sir.
That's why I'm resigning, sir.
I felt I ought to come and tell you, sir, that I'm Well, I'm not coming on the expedition now, sir.
I'm going to stay here with Barbara, sir.
We're gonna grow guano.
I don't believe it.
That's bird shit, sir.
They use a lot of it around here for fertiliser, sir.
I just don't know what to say.
Well, it's funny, sir, but I I suddenly see that their way of life out here is a lot a lot richer and a lot more individually satisfying than ours is, sir.
And they don't half go, sir.
They don't half go.
But after all the years of preparation we've put into the expedition! - On the very morning when we're about to - Oh, if you knew, er the little woman, sir, you'd understand.
She's Well, she's got no trace of sardonicism about her, sir, and she's intellectually very sharp, too.
- She's considerate as well - Oh, shut up! Oh, um Er, Barbara said to tell you, sir, that I don't quite know how to put this, sir, but she's got a friend, sir, who's taken a bit of shine to you.
Ooh! She's a little darling, sir.
If you wanted to come with us into the guano business, sir Go away, you dirty man! Yes, sir.
All right, sir.
Corporal Miller? Could I see you at once, please? I want you to Oh, dear! I'm sorry.
Miller, when you've finished, could I see you, please? Miller as well? I can't The frogs! Miller! The frogs! Who's guarding the frogs, man? Oh! Huh! Johnson! What What are you doing down there? What about the frogs, man? I'll have you court-marshalled! Whipped! Oh! Come on! Come on, man! Come on! He was too late.
The frogs had gone.
Let loose.
Only the Himalayan sleeping frog, which, going about - its normal occupation of sleeping had not taken advantage of the chance of freedom, remained.
Keep scouring the ground.
That's right.
Keep looking.
Come on.
Keep looking.
Frogs.
I want frogs.
Look under there, over there.
You! You, over there! Go on, that's it! Go on, all of you.
We're gonna find these frogs.
Sorry to hear you had a bit of trouble in the night.
Oh, nothing to worry about.
Only six years of research gone.
I heard a couple of your chaps have decided to stay and go into the guano business.
A bit of trouble with Sergeant Major Bing, that's all.
Mentally unstable, you know.
Couldn't take the pace.
Young Miller came to see me this morning with his new wife.
Wife? Miller? He's in the bloody army! Where is he? They've gone into Quique to the building society.
I gave them the address.
What? He'll be court-marshalled.
I'll tear his bowels out with my own hands.
I told you, old boy, you can't fight these people.
You might as well go or stay.
You don't seem to realise, Mr Gregory.
I'm going to see this one out.
I shall stay here until this frog expedition has achieved everything it set out to achieve.
And that is final.
Understand? Turn that off.
Turn that off! Turn it off! You shouldn't have done that, old boy.
Go on, fire! - Not above their heads! Clutching only the Himalayan sleeping frog, Snetterton took to the mountains.
After three weeks of wandering through the Cordillera, Snetterton's failure seemed complete.
On June the 4th, 1927, three and a half months after leaving England, he ate the Himalaya sleeping frog.
In a final note, found in a final note box, Snetterton wrote, Nothing more was heard or seen of Captain Walter Snetterton, the man who set out, with such high hopes, to conquer the most unforgiving mountains of all.
But the six frogs who were released hopped into Mexico City, 6,300 miles north.
Captain Snetterton's belief in high-altitude amphibian exploration had been justified after all.
Once again science had proved that there are no limits to man's achievements.
Without such men of courage and determination as Captain Walter Snetterton, the world would never have had self-opening doors, the non-stick saucepan, nor any of the other wonders of modern technology, which have made our world a finer, healthier, happier place.