Rita Rocks (2008) s01e05 Episode Script

this salt shaker with this ordinary napkin, and before your very eyes, make it pass through this solid surface.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Here.
Here.
Use the crummy freebie that came with the spatula set.
Go.
Voilá! Okay, look over there.
Voilá! Yeah! That was great, honey.
That was really special.
Isn't that cute? Just a few years ago she was in my belly and now she's doing magic tricks.
Hmm, no, she's not.
(phone rings) All right, I will now magically make myself disappear.
Cover your eyes.
Yeah, no, no, go back to bed, Mom.
No, don't worry about us.
Yeah.
Okay, I'll talk to you soon.
I love you, too.
(sighs) No.
No, no, no, no.
Don't tell me, your mother can't watch the kids this weekend.
You're not gonna believe this: she's on crutches.
She broke her ankle in three places.
That on top of the shingles.
I mean, why does bad stuff always happen to us? Hey, we've been planning this getaway for months.
Can't we call anybody else? No.
I asked everyone.
And I mean everyone.
(clears throat) Drink a little water, sweetie.
Yeah.
I mean, there's not a single responsible person we can count on for the entire weekend.
Hello? You know somebody? Yes, yes.
Me! You guys can go and I'll watch Shannon.
I am 16, you know.
I am aware of that.
From your cell phone bills, your roller coaster emotions, and the way you "tsk" and sigh whenever you don't get your way.
(sighs) Oh, there it is.
I'm sorry, honey.
You're just not ready.
"Not ready"? I watch Shannon all the time when you guys are working.
I know how to drive.
I know how to cook.
Well, hot dogs.
Just give me one real reason why I can't do this.
Hey, hottie.
Would you like another real reason, hottie? Mmm.
Get off me.
I'm trying to look mature.
Hallie, listen, babysitting is one thing, but we're talking about going away for an entire weekend.
Ah, cool, family vacation! I can't wait.
I really need a break from school.
I mean, not school, just the classes.
And I need a break from you.
Well, not you, just the sight of you.
Come on.
Sky's parents let her watch her little brother when they go away, and he's only four.
Okay, Sky's parents are hippies.
Anything goes over there.
They don't believe in wearing belts; they churn their own butter; it's anarchy.
I'm sorry, but here we have rules.
But, Mom The answer is no.
I hate this house! I like this house.
It has a good floor plan.
Really good flow.
HALLIE: Kip! Well, that's that.
I think we should let her do it.
What?! I think she's ready.
Let her, let her rise to the occasion, give her a sense of accomplishment.
And when's the last time we had a weekend alone? Like three years.
Look, honey, you know how you started the band to have something for yourself? Well, I need something for us.
You know, we work our butts off.
We're good parents.
We need some time for ourselves.
And if not now, when? Another three years? Well, Hallie's grades have been getting better, and she's been nicer to Shannon, and recently she's been calling me "Mom" instead of "her.
" Sunset Bay Resort, baby.
Gorgeous rooms, deluxe spa, Mmm.
champagne brunch, heated towels.
Mmm.
And I hear they float little chocolates to you in the pool.
Mmm.
Look how happy these people look.
You want to know why? Not a kid for miles.
Floating chocolates? Oh, I do like chocolates.
Mmm? And we do deserve this! I don't know.
It's kind of a big deal.
Jay, I need to think about it.
That's good.
That's good.
You're weakening in the right direction.
I can't believe you guys don't trust me.
You know, just last week She's thinking about it.
I told someone you were the greatest parents in the world! RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC Look, Mom, I did the dishes.
And I made Shannon breakfast and now I'm gonna go iron for you.
All things I would do if you were to, say, go out of town.
I'm still thinking about it.
No starch on the shirts, please.
Hey! Hey.
So, big trip this weekend.
Oh, do me a favor.
Do not send me a postcard.
That's just more work for me.
Actually, I don't know if we're gonna go anymore.
What? Why? My mom cancelled and I don't know if I can leave Shannon with Hallie for the whole weekend.
How do you know Oh.
when your kids are old enough to trust them alone? Oh, you know, every kid's different.
But you look at how mature they are, and how much responsibility they can handle, and you take a deep breath and spy on them.
What? That's horrible.
Oh, come on, I don't mean spy on them like read their diary.
I mean spy on them like film them when they don't know you're watching.
Oh, well, that makes it so much better.
It does.
See, you get the real story.
Those kids-- they're slick.
They'll write anything in those diaries, 'cause they know you're gonna read 'em.
But they'll never suspect you put a nanny-cam that looks like a clock in the bedroom.
You didn't? I did.
I sure did.
Want to borrow it? No.
How could you ask that? I do not want to borrow How does it work? I'll bring it over and we can set it up for a test run.
A test run.
Right, right, right.
What's the harm in a test run? I should clean the house if it's gonna be on TV.
Okay.
Let's see what your family's up to when you're not around.
Patty, is this wrong? I feel like I'm crossing a line.
Should I be doing this? (sighs) Yes, it's wrong.
And, yes, you're crossing a line.
And, yes, you should absolutely be doing this.
Child, please, here.
And, by the way, I bring you a nanny-cam; you can't pop me some popcorn? You had me at hello.
Is that a new top? I bought a few things.
And now the Great Shannini will pour this wet milk into this dry newspaper and make it disappear.
Oh, no, no, no, honey, no, no, no.
You know the rule: no food in the living room.
Please, don't! Please, don't! (grunts) I just cleaned.
Oops! Oh.
Oh, here, come on, help.
Come on, clean it up.
Clean it up.
At least she taught the dog a trick.
Classy.
I just cleaned! Yeah, I know.
My dad acts like such a jock.
He's always flexing his muscles, and pretending he's shooting the winning basket.
She's got him pegged.
Jay totally does that.
Yeah, well, my ex used to do the baseball swing.
I'm not saying that's the whole reason why we broke up, but it was part of it.
Yeah, and he tries to be so "Dad" with his discipline, but we see right through him.
Now my mom? She's "The Hammer.
" That's right.
Damn proud of it.
Somebody's got to lay down the law.
Thank you.
But I think it all comes from her insecurity.
Yeah, I know, she is just such a control freak.
No, you noticed it, too? Everyone says it.
Who-who-who says that, baby? Patty? Hmm? Have you heard people saying that? You know it's not in my nature to be nosy.
Yeah, no, tell me about it.
She's "still deciding" whether or not she can trust me alone in the house.
You cannot make a move around here without Sergeant Rita telling you what to do.
Chill out, woman.
(chuckles) (coughing) Is that true? Am I a control freak? Oh, kids say things.
So it's not true? Kids say things.
More mashed potatoes? I can always be counted on to serve mashed potatoes.
Or any healthy food.
No matter who's around or not around.
Honey, come on.
She's really trying hard.
I mean, it's all completely insincere, but she's really trying hard.
Are we going away or-or not? I can be packed in 15 minutes.
I'm leaning towards letting her do it.
I'm trying really hard to be less controlling.
Oh, good for you.
So you think I'm controlling, too? No.
I'm done.
Can I be excused? Honey, no, finish your vegetables first.
What are you, the zucchini police? Don't be so by-the-book, Jay.
Me? You're the one that's always talking to them about eating healthy.
Yeah, you must be confusing me with some uptight mom.
No, no, I'm cool.
Cool.
Just ask Kip.
He knows.
Yeah, sure.
I guess.
You okay? Yeah, you're acting like Ashley's mom.
She's an alcoholic.
(doorbell rings) Oh, I'll get that.
It's Jerry bringing over a basketball trophy we won last week.
He shoots.
He scores! Ooh! I know, right? (chuckles) Oh, I was thinking of something happened the other day.
Um So I don't have to eat my vegetables? Not if you don't want to.
Although they are good for you.
But, you know, you know, it's your choice.
Although if you want strong eyes and teeth, I'd eat them.
But I'm not you! I'm not you.
So, you know I choose not to eat them.
That's fine.
See ya.
Hey, honey, this clock that was on the shelf there, can I move it? I just put my trophy there.
People need to see it.
Yeah, that-that's fine.
Who-who needs to know what time it is? Where did we get this anyway? I-I don't remember seeing this.
No, no, we've had this thing for, like, for, like, ever.
I think your, your cousin gave it to I-I don't know.
Wait.
I've seen one of these before at Denise's house.
You see that? That's a little tiny lens.
It's a nanny-cam.
Nanny-cam? Why would you have a nanny-cam? We don't even have a nanny.
This has a camera in it? When I got it at the garage sale, I thought it was just a clock.
What a steal! Wait a minute.
You said you got it from my cousin.
Oh, yeah.
Hold on.
Did you get this to spy on me in case you guys go away this weekend? (chuckles): Honey, don't be ridiculous.
Your mother didn't do that.
Hear me out.
You did that? Oh, my God.
I can't believe you don't trust me.
You are such a control freak.
All right, Hallie, please just "People need to see my trophy"? What are you, ten?! Hallie.
Hallie, look, I know you're upset, but please just open the door so I can explain.
HALLIE: No! I hate you! Hallie If it makes you feel any better, you look very photogenic on the nanny-cam.
Hallie, please Mom, I did it! I did the trick perfect! Do you want to see?! I would love to, honey, but Mommy's in the middle of a situation right now.
This is not over.
I love you.
HALLIE: Hey, Shannon, I want to see your trick.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! (grunts) So, how'd that work out for you? Hallie's locked her door.
She wants nothing to do with me.
Really? That's odd.
Usually teenage girls love it when their mothers spy on them with hidden cameras.
Very funny, Jay.
How do we fix this? Oh, it's "we" now? See, here's the thing, is I only signed up to stick with you in sickness and in health, not in espionage and deception.
You also promised to honor and obey, so help me! All right.
Okay, you want to know what I think? You broke her trust, so it's gonna be a delicate process.
It's gonna take time and a little bit of What are you doing with that? I'm gonna use this to bust down Hallie's door so we can resolve our trust issues.
Of course you are.
(lock clicking) Breaking and entering.
Way to respect my privacy.
(sighs) Sweetie, this isn't an excuse, but sometimes it's really hard being the mom of a 16-year-old girl.
You know? Sixteen.
It's going so fast.
Not fast enough.
I can't wait to move out of this stupid house.
I get it.
I thought my parents were real jerks, especially my mom.
So how old were you before Grandma trusted you enough to go away, like, 30? Sweetie, I was a young mom.
I had two kids at 30.
I wasn't going anywhere.
No, honestly, I was 16.
What?! Unbelievable! Grandma was way cooler than you are.
Was she, though? Was she? Because I screwed it up.
Royally.
What? What'd you do? Ah, you don't need to know the details.
You spied on me with a camera.
You kind of owe me.
Well, no one was supposed to come over while they were gone, but then Mary Lou Speeno, this really cool girl-- like, way cooler than anyone you'll ever know She moved to San Diego, like, the day we graduated-- so cool.
Anyway she wanted to come over, so I said yes.
And then she invited some boys, and those boys had beer.
You said you didn't drink until you were 21.
Yeah.
And, well, there was music and dancing and and fire.
What? Fire? Yeah, we got the brilliant idea to bake cookies, but then we forgot about them.
I mean, it would've been fine if the kitchen didn't have wood paneling, but it did.
Oh, my God.
So what happened? Well, when they got home, it was not pretty.
For a really, really long time.
Wow.
That's Wow.
Yeah.
You know, maybe, maybe it's not that I don't trust you.
It's that I don't trust the girl I was at 16.
I'm not you.
You know? Yeah.
Sometimes it's hard to look at you and and not see myself.
So do you want to watch Shannon this weekend? You mean it? I think so.
No cameras.
No cameras.
And you, no cookies or boys or beer.
Okay.
So, uh, what kind of stuff did you do at 17? Oh, God, you're gonna be 17.
Okay, where's the food I prepared for you? Fridge, bottom shelf, labeled by day.
Okay, and how do you reach me in case of emergency? On your cell phone and on Dad's and at the hotel.
Numbers are on the bulletin board and next to every phone.
Okay.
Good job.
I love you.
Bye.
A pipe bursts.
Quick, what do you?! Shut off the water main with a wrench, and then hit myself in the head with it because you're never going to leave.
Dad, can you please do something about your wife? Honey, don't sass your crazy mom.
All right, all right, all right.
All right, I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you.
(kissing noisily) Bye.
Okay, we can't miss you if you're still here.
Good.
I love you.
I love you.
Bye.
(sighs) Wow.
It's like we're their whole life.
I know.
We really needed this vacation.
Yeah, we did.
Ah, yeah.
Floating chocolates, here we come.
This is good.
You know, we needed to get away from, you know, the house, the kids, everything.
I'm getting the massage, first thing.
Me, too.
And a steam.
And a mani-pedi.
And hotel sex? Do not disturb.
This is, this is a good thing we're doing.
You know, we're helping our daughter take a big step into adulthood.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
This is the beginning of her becoming a totally independent person.
Mm-hmm, yep.
Before long, she's gonna, you know, have a job, and then marriage and kids, you know.
And it all starts today.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
This is a good thing.
Oh, boy.
What? There's that smile.
What smile? The smile that you do when you're convincing yourself that it's all good.
That smile.
No! No.
Yes, I see it every time we go visit my family.
I like your family.
Okay, now I know you're lying because my family sucks.
You can't do this, can you? God, no.
I'll just be worried about the girls the whole time.
It'll be horrible.
Can we please go home? I'll just, I'll turn around up here.
Thank you.
I just love you.
Hey, listen, since we're not gonna have hotel sex, um, do you think we could do it in the car real quick? Sure! Damn it! What? Okay, before you say anything, your father and I are not going and that's all there is to it.
Ah, give me a break.
What happened to trusting me? Your control freakishness is out of control.
I am aware that is what you think of me.
And you know what? I don't care.
I don't think you're ready.
You're wrong.
Okay, okay, maybe you are ready.
But you know what? I'm not.
And it's still my call.
I'm your mother, and I have one job, and that is to keep you alive.
Whatever.
Sergeant Rita.
Well, how'd she take it? She was pretty angry.
She called me a name.
What? Sergeant Rita.
(laughs) That's not right.
I'll talk to her.
Okay, everybody, uh, change of plans.
We're gonna need to get all of you out that window.
So, is madame enjoying her stay at our lovely hotel and spa? Mm, it's very homey.
Hmm.
The, uh, concierge couldn't find any chocolates to float over to you, but we-we do have this Glade French vanilla candle.
Mmm.
Delicious, and less fattening.
Well, will there be anything else? I do have one more request.
Oh, right.
Captioned by Media