Roger And Val Have Just Got In (2010) s01e05 Episode Script

Rog? Roger, it's ten past five.
You awake? Try and sit up.
Try and drink this.
I don't deserve drink, or food! Yes, you do.
You're just sad.
Well, you're an innocent lamb.
You're a really lovely, modest person.
So, the Head comes into the cookery room at lunch time and she asks me if there's anything you can do with a kipper, except heat it up.
And actually, Roger, if you really think about it, no other foodstuff is as uncompromising Val, please, normal life, is of no use to me here.
Please do not tell me it.
OK.
It's just that while she was there, she ate over half of my demonstration shepherd's pie.
So, effectively she's eaten our tea.
You all right? You know how in life at some point your own human nature and flaws traditionally trip you up and find you out.
Yeah, like the Head is greedy.
Yeah, just lying in this room, I've done it.
I've done it from the comfort of my own bedroom.
What have you done? Will you please stop with the noises, Roger? They're no help to anyone.
Excuse me, I'm in agonies of embarrassment here, that's what the noises are and actually, OK, they are a help.
Now, before anything, can you go into the computer and see if I've got any new emails please? Right.
- Is this to do with what's happened? - Yeah, new emails.
Have I got any? Yes, it's to do with it.
All right, Roger.
Give me a chance.
I'm not to know! Right.
What do I press? Press on the space bar and click the envelope.
What, this one? Mail? Yeah, well, obviously that! Oh I'm sorry Please, Val, be friendly to me, you you're my only hope.
No.
Should you have or shouldn't you? Cos you haven't.
Is that good or bad? - I don't know.
- Well, do you want me to click "Get Mail"? No, don't do that! Yes, do.
Do that.
Is anything there? No.
Roger, I OK, OK.
- That probably buys me a little time.
- Buys you time? For what? Actually, Roger, you're really panicking me now.
What have you put This is ridiculous now.
18 years ago in a pub, I met a friend of Steve's.
- You know Steve from Amphibians? - Yes.
Yeah.
Well, Steve emailed me today, you know, "Sorry to hear about your dad.
" I knew he would.
In fact, I now suspect Steve of having a form of Munchausen's by proxy but for grief, because he's very on with it.
18 years ago I met a friend of Steve's Roger, pull yourself together.
This is garbled.
I'm trying to explain what's happened.
I only met this man once, I-I can't even remember his name, but - What time is it now? - About ten past, quarter past, five.
Yeah, well just over an hour ago, that man ruined my life.
- Has he emailed you? - Stupid, stupid man.
- But who was it? - I don't know.
He doesn't matter, Val.
Val, Val, Val, Val! What? Roger, has this man emailed you? No.
He's just the man that came up with the stupid idea that I've done because he was a bereavement counsellor.
He was trying to help me with grief that we Yes, yes, yes.
He said it sometimes helps with grief it sometimes helps to write down how you would ideally see yourself, uh, I-in a massively ideal light.
I mean, still still a description of me but very, very ideal.
- Do you understand? - Yes.
Yeah but the important thing was to write it down.
Write it down! I mean, to be absolutely fair to the bloke, this is years before email was even invented.
But right now, I think it was really irresponsible advice.
Right.
I can sort of guess what you've done from your bread-crumb trail.
I've I've written a sort of piece about me at work.
It was It's really stupid.
It's Where I sort of come across as a big hero in my job and I started to do it in an email to Steve.
Why? Because he was there! He was there in the pub with the man and because he was there today with with "how's compassionate leave?" and it all, zzzzzzz, spiralled.
Roger, how much longer have we got to go on this? Spit it out! Steve emailed me.
I replied and said, - "Back at work Monday.
" - Yeah.
Steve replied to me and said, "Let senior management know.
" - Yeah.
- So, I forwarded an email - to senior management and Steve.
- Yeah.
Steve replies to me to say thanks.
I then start sharing my counselling with Steve.
But Steve had replied to me on the back of my email to senior management.
And I clicked "Reply all".
Do you follow? No.
I emailed a copy of my idealised self-image to senior management and since then I've been under the quilt.
Right, because you clicked "Reply all"? Yes.
I found the worst needle in the mistake haystack.
Right.
- What's in the email? - Ahhh No, Roger.
No, no, no.
Don't go back to all that again, Roger.
Just let me see it, please.
Bring it up so that I can see it.
- What have you put? - I can't look.
No, Roger Roger, you know, sometimes you make problems for yourself.
None of this need ever have happened.
It's Friday night.
I've been at work all day.
- Now, tell me where to look.
- No, don't worry.
It's OK.
I'll be fine.
No, come on, Roger.
I want to have a look.
No, no, don't worry yourself.
I'll deal with it.
Thank you.
Roger, will you please stop hailstoning it all at my head and just tell me where to look?! - Sent messages.
- Right.
Oh, please, Val.
Please, please, tell me it's not too bad.
Umm Right.
Here it is.
"I sit in my dressing gown at the start of the 21 st century.
" I don't think people will have kept reading this.
- Don't you? That's my only hope.
- No, definitely not.
"The post doesn't come now till two in the afternoon.
" No, they wouldn't.
It's depressing.
Yeah, it's depressing.
I'm on compassionate leave.
"My wife has a lover in New Zealand.
She pretends she never thinks of" What's that? It's a vague reference to lan in New Zealand.
- Is that supposed to be about lan? - I made most of it up.
I told you that because you're making me sleep in the spare room.
I don't care what you say about yourself but that has gone all around your work.
- What would make you write that? - Boredom.
I should've gone back to work.
I've had far too much time on my hands.
Right.
"That's me there with the trowel or a spade or a hoe.
"Held the other way around, the hoe was the symbol of Wat Tyler.
"Like him I'm an excellent public speaker with commanding grasp of any budget.
"I ride into battle with the politicians of the Winter Gardens "and everyone goes, 'Wow, did you hear Roger Stevenson? "'Don't you learn a lot when you're in a meeting with him? "'In a way, it's better if he doesn't know how brilliant he really is.
"' - Please, stop.
- Ooh, Roger, this is awful.
It's crippling.
How can I ever walk into another meeting ever again? It's supposed to be your idealised self image, though.
Mm.
I wish you'd not done the bits where people are talking about you.
- That's exactly what the guy said I should do.
- No, sorry, Roger.
I don't believe you on that at all.
I know you too well.
You've just done that off your own bat.
Oh, come on, Val, it's nearly 18 years ago.
I can't remember exactly what the guy said I should do.
- Is it that bad then? - Yeah.
Is there any way back from this? Er well, there may be a way back Oh, right, well for a start, thank you, Val, for that merciless reaction.
Excuse me, Roger, will you please leave me to have my own personal response to this? - Stop policing me.
- I'm not.
That's ridiculous.
Yes, well, stop it.
This is just as embarrassing for me.
We are in a couple.
Val, I'm asking you to give this some mature consideration.
Now, you seem to be saying, are you not, that there may be some way back from this? Well, if so, what is it? Well, you just you just have to say you were bereaved and rambling.
Yes, rambling.
No, I can't say that.
You have to come up with something better than that.
Please, Val.
Come on.
Will you please stop doing that, Roger? Erm Right, we've got to give them a good reason.
Um We'll say, that the doctor gave you anti-depressants, but you weren't actually depressed, so, what that did was send you sky high and that's what happened.
- Mm.
- I think you'll be all right.
- Do you? Do you? - Yeah.
And actually you are a bit like that in meetings.
Am I? Oh.
Yeah, I-I think so.
Thanks, Val.
- I'm still annoyed though, about lan.
- Yeah, point taken.
Is this what you think? That I sit around all day just thinking about another man from 15 years ago? No! No, no, you see? This is spiralling as well.
I never think about lan.
He was a keen walker.
Val, I don't want to talk about lan.
Ian did nothing wrong, neither did I.
Right, I apologise.
Thank you.
What's this bit? "How's Esther? Grrr.
Secret hair"? What's that? Wh-Where's that? Here, on the bottom.
- It's not on the email.
- Yes, it is.
"Cheers, Steve.
Compassionate leave's a doddle.
"How's Esther? Grrr.
Secret hair.
" Ohh Ohhh - What? - Oh I've forwarded it.
No, I haven't.
Yes, I have.
I've forwarded it.
No, no Let me see Get up, Val.
Val, get up.
Val, move.
Now, let me see.
No, no, this can't be right.
I-I would never ever have done that.
It's got forwarded.
Yeah, it's on this one from "Sent messages".
Is that Esther from Legal? Oh, please God, no.
Please, God, no.
Please, God, if you exist, don't let this have happened.
Have you sent this? I don't know.
I-I don't know.
I-I don't know.
I don't know what's happened.
- Have you? - Oh it's it's been on the end.
It's been on That's why I haven't spotted it, that's why.
Yeah, because I forwarded this with my return date.
- Secret hair, is that what I think it is? - It's It's been on the end, you see.
This is part of my first reply to t-t-to Steve from Amphibians.
- I don't care about Steve from Amphibians - Because it's his phrase.
Steve from Amphibians, whenever he sees an attractive female mammal, he goes, "Grrr, secret hair" because amphibians are smooth.
And at work we always say it to Steve as a gag.
I would never say it.
Oh right, so you, who would never say it, say it to Steve on a regular basis.
You blame a lot on Steve from Amphibians.
I don't have time for this, Val.
We've gone beyond.
I'm white-water rafting my way out of my job.
Hang on a minute.
Have you ever said secret hair about me? Post-feministly, w-w-when we first met.
While you're chatting about this, my job is on the line, so Hang on a minute.
Just before we start, can I just say that I am putting my own personal response to all of this, including lan, who I haven't forgotten about, incidentally and "Esther secret grrr" I'm putting it all on pause.
- Thank you.
- Right.
Give me those.
Right, move out of the way.
Right.
Who's got the email? Erm Oh Er Come on, Roger, tell me.
This is serious now.
It's not a matter of opinion.
- Who's got the email? Who's got it? - Err Help me, help me.
I'm trying to help! Who's got the email? Steve.
Erm, err, Phil.
Erm, er, Hester herself.
I mean, Esther herself.
Esther's got it? Esther from Legal has got it? Oh my God, Roger.
What on earth have you done?! I don't even know how you have done that.
- What on earth were you thinking? - I-I wasn't thinking.
It was one of those, what do they call it? Accident, m-mistake, b-bad luck.
Oh, my God.
Esther's got it.
Th-This is sexual harassment.
No! No, no, it's not.
It's not! No, it's not! I-It's a flippant comment.
She doesn't know that, does she? - Your job, Roger! Your pension - I've got a great job.
- I feel sick.
- Yeah, I do.
- You got any replies? - No, you just checked.
- Check it again.
- No, I haven't.
You'd have heard the ping.
Oh, God.
Has Phil got this? Don't worry.
I've left myself absolutely no chance of survival.
So, Phil's got it? Yes, Phil's got it, I copied in Phil.
Phil, the hater of Roger Stevenson, yes! Phil has a copy.
Jesus! Oh, my God.
Well, in that case and I-I-I don't mean it, not generally but you, Roger, are a total idiot.
Yes, I'm lower than the lowest worm hole No, no, no, no, no, no, don't go for all sympathy, Roger.
The fact is, not generally but you are a complete idiot.
- You're an idiot.
That's what you are - I'll resign.
- Look in the mirror.
- I won't give him the pleasure of sacking me.
I'll resign.
I am not my father.
No, no, no! Roger, come on.
Come on now.
I'm sorry.
You are not your dad and you won't get sacked hopefully.
Now, come on.
Come on.
We're wasting time here.
And time is what we haven't got.
- We've got to pull it back.
- You help me.
- We got to move.
- I know.
- We got to move fast.
- We have to.
Think! Yes, think, think! Rack your brains - secret hair.
- What you gonna say? - What? What? What? What, what? What like, Esther wears a wig? - I don't know, you tell me.
- Come on! Don't back me into a corner, please, Roger.
We could lose your job here, your pension.
- You've put Steve at risk.
- Shoosh.
What've I done?! Oh, God! Grrr, grrr, secret hair.
- Grrr, grrr, secr Grrr - Don't keep saying it.
I've got to keep saying it because the key is in there, somewhere.
Grrr, grrr, secret hair, in there.
Grrr, grrr secret hair.
Grrr There's nothing.
There's absolutely nothing! There's nothing you can say! There was nothing before electricity was invented, Val.
Come on! It's compassionate leave, it's Yeah, I've got it! I've got it.
Got it.
Got it! Get to the computer.
Right, press "Reply all" again on the same email as if you still don't know what you're doing.
Come on.
"Reply all" - two words I'll never click again.
Right.
Put Put, um "Sorry, pressed send before I'd finished" Umm Um "How's Esther?" "Secret hairy moment "when I thought compassionate leave was unpaid.
" That's genius.
- Well, that's all I could think of.
- Excuse me, Val, but you are a genius.
Yeah, well, it's it's not good but it's, er, it's better than staying silent.
- Leave was unpaid.
Done it.
- Yeah.
- Shall I send it, Val? - Send it.
Shall I send it? I now have no judgment.
Send it.
Sent it.
Oh! My anchor.
My anchor! - Has it gone? - Yeah, yeah.
- Yes, yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh! Oh Ahh Oh, dear! I tell you what, Roger I'm not one to blow my own trumpet, unlike you, but my excuse is brilliant.
It is.
Yeah.
I mean, there's nothing they can say.
It's absolutely obvious you haven't finished your sentence.
- It is.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
The only, only danger area is the "grrr".
But even that, you see, seems like you're one of those people who says "grrr" about things they dislike.
I knew you'd come up with it, Val.
That's why I was urging you higher and higher.
Yeah, I was forensic.
It was a master class.
A privilege to watch, actually.
I think it'll swing it, I think.
- You're happy with my idea? - Oh, very.
Very.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
God.
The waiting is awful, isn't it, Roger? I know.
Waiting, waiting, all the time.
Oh, God, the stress.
- Did I get a cup of tea? - Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
I'm weak.
It'll ping if one comes in.
I haven't thought about Dad at all today.
He's only been dead a week.
I've thought things like, should I go into town and wander round that second-hand vinyl shop? Well, that is grief, the vinyl shop.
18 years ago, you know, I used to do exactly the same, in the kitchen sections of department stores.
And buy pans, loads of pans.
I used to think, "Well, I've been there now, I've done that.
"Done something.
I'll go home now for tea, use my new pan.
" Yeah.
Did Steve really ask about your dad in that, um in the email? Yeah, that's what kicked the whole thing off.
He said, "Sorry about your dad.
" Well that was nice.
This is no good.
You need to go in the bath.
Scroll down.
Check and live in peace.
Val! Val! - What? - Email, we've got email! Ah, it's all right.
It's just junk.
Will you hear this in the bathroom, Roger? I think so.
I'll manoeuvre the speaker onto the landing.
You need to get out of your dressing gown.
You'll feel better.
- Roger! - Yeah, OK.
Where's your talisman? I took it off for the funeral.
Dad didn't like it.
Oh, put it back on again.
Oh, Val, you Why have you got a normal plaster on? Oh well, do you know what, Roger? I have spent the whole day chopping.
No baking whatsoever.
Just onions and carrots and stewing steak with year nine.
I thought you had to wear blue plasters? Yeah, you should really, yeah.
It'll come off now, anyway.
Oh, that feels really great.
I haven't washed my hair since the funeral because it was the hair that Dad knew.
Gonna have to cook tonight now, as well.
I very nearly said to the Head about the shepherd's pie, "You might as well take the whole lot home.
" - "There isn't enough left for Roger now.
" - Yeah.
Did she put it on her plate or did she eat it out of the dish? No, she ate it off a plate.
Email! Oh! Now Now Mind the wire! OK.
Er Right.
- Heather from Exotics! - Yeah, what does she say? Er, LOL and a little smiley face.
Right.
She hasn't read it.
Just a minute, just a minute, Roger.
Ohh! Got an email from Esther from Legal.
Shall I open it? Whatever it says, Roger, I'm here to help, all right? What? What? What? What?! "Please attend my office "at 10am on Monday "to discuss the contents of this email further.
" Right Right.
So she has obviously read it.
Who's she copied it to? Er She's copied in Phil, and Oh no, she's hauled in Steve.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I see, yeah.
Well, that's it then.
Yeah, it's over.
Yeah.
You've lost your job.
Right.
Well, look, they can't do that.
They just can't.
There's any number of things that we can say and I am gonna throw the book at her on this one, Roger.
Because first of all, Roger, you are bereaved.
So, they shouldn't be sending you emails in the first place.
They've probably broken the law on that one, that's the first thing we're gonna say.
You're certainly not fit to respond to them, so there's a whole area there that she is welcome to go through with a fine tooth-comb, missy.
I'll tell you what, believe me, I will match her.
Bring it on, Esther.
Oh, come on, Val, admit it.
I'm sacked.
I'm not gonna get another job.
I am my father.
No, no, no.
You will get another job, Roger.
Even if they do sack you, which is unlikely.
And And anyway, we could start a market garden.
No, we couldn't.
Yes we could.
We've always said - you'd do the plants and I'll run the cafe.
- It'll be great.
- Stop it! We can't open a market garden because we can't sell, because you won't move.
What? What?! Do you not think this is pretty sad, all of this? Me pouring out my feelings to some bloke in a pub 18 years ago to a computer screen because you put me in the spare room, the week my dad died? Are you blaming me now for this catastrophe? - Yes.
- OK.
Yes, I am.
Because I know it's illegal to talk about Dad dying in this house! It's not illegal, Roger.
But I can't have too much of you crying in your dressing gown.
For my dad! It is not just me.
You can't just blame me, Roger.
- It's not your dad you're crying for.
- Yes, it is.
After he was sacked, he took me to the dentist on the bus.
I had to come out of school.
I was so excited because it was dad and not mum.
And on on the bus a fly got into his mouth And it was it was brilliant, it was really brilliant.
The terrible thing is that you can never take your little boy to the dentist on the bus and you can still have that.
I want you to.
And you're right, it is me.
It's me that can't help you.
It's me that won't sell up.
I'm stopping you.
- Oh, Val, please.
- You should go.
You deserve it.
God knows you do, Roger.
Go and and start a market garden and a new family with Esther's secret hair.
- I don't want that.
- You do.
No, this is all about you and your grief.
Your grief always out-trumps everyone's.
Yes, it does.
Because my grief is different.
Your griefs exactly the same as mine.
No it isn't, because I still feel I'm his mum.
Mummy.
And you don't feel like you're someone's dad.
So what? No, I don't.
I admit it.
I was someone's dad for five and a half weeks.
I'm not a dad now.
But you did everything.
So, don't tell me you're not a dad.
You came back and you told me how you kissed him and you put him in there and you wouldn't let them touch him and and you made a proper little bed for him.
That was 18 years ago.
He'd be 18, leaving home.
Yeah, and I think you should leave.
Yeah, I-I think you should you should go and start it all again somewhere else.
And that's OK cos I can give that to you.
Yeah, that's something I can give to you.
You should go and leave us in peace because I don't want to think about all the pans and and all the pans.
Th-This is about my dad.
You're twisting it yet again.
This is not about something 18 years ago.
For once in this house it's not about that! Christopher, his name is Christopher.
Was.
Val! I-I'm OK.
I'm OK.
There's a shepherd's pie in the kitchen.
She left enough for one person.
Val! Val, you can't I can't come and get y! Val, I'm in a towel and it doesn't join up at the side.
Val! Val!