Roommates s01e05 Episode Script

And there it is.
I just broke a record.
I haven't had sex in two weeks.
Two weeks? That's not so bad.
Look at me, Mark.
God obviously went out of his way to make this for a reason: to have lots of sex.
So when I'm not having sex, I'm disappointing god.
Anyway, how long has it been since you've had sex? I don't really keep track.
I go by seasons.
- Hey, guys.
- What's up? Well, Mark hasn't had sex since the last harvest.
It hasn't been that long.
It's no big deal.
Leave him alone, James.
He's waiting for the right girl.
You know, if you don't use it, it may just wither up and fall off.
Can we talk about something else? Like, anything else? - So did anyone see? - We have got to set Mark up.
No, I'm good.
I'm not a big fan of blind dates.
- You haven't been set up by us.
- We're pros.
At finding hos.
You need a woman, and hope and I know lots of them.
- Let us help you.
- So what are we looking for? Sex with the possibility of love, or just sex? Mark seems to prefer love without the possibility of sex.
- Can we not do this? - My cousin Lori's divorce is final.
- She's looking for a one-and-done.
- Too wild.
- What about Alex? - The tall, hot, rich model? She sounds nice.
Wait, I know the perfect girl: Jenny.
Yeah, you guys worked together at that law firm.
She's awesome.
And she's pretty and fun.
And likes to drink.
That'll help you.
Well, I'm ready for my blind date.
Mark, these pants are awful.
You know your date isn't actually blind.
- Where is your butt? - It's back there.
The boy has no booty.
And tuck in your shirt, you animal.
That's Jenny.
- Am I interrupting? - Always.
Are you wearing a braided belt? We need a different belt.
And look at this buckle.
That buckle says, "I'm interesting.
" No, that buckle says, "I'm celibate.
" My friend in chinatown scored me some black-Market aphrodisiac.
It's pheromones from a butterfly.
They're the sluts of the insect world.
So looking forward to your date tonight, Mark? Not really.
Think about it.
Is there any chance Jenny is good-looking? No.
But what's even worse is that everything you do tonight will be broadcast to the entire chick world.
This is how women build a file on you.
Careful tonight.
It's all going in your permanent record.
Are you still here? Yes.
I'm just wishing my friend good luck on his date.
Good luck, friend.
See? That's all.
I had no other agenda.
For I am done now.
Because I have done what I came here to do.
I've tickets to Of course.
I was just but I think, I would Maybe some other time.
No! - I'll get the door.
- That must be her.
- Quick, change belts.
- No.
I got this on an indian reservation.
It's an ice breaker.
That one's too plain.
I'll have nothing to talk about.
- Jenny, hi! - Hi.
It's been forever.
You look fantastic.
So do you.
I was so happy when you called.
Well, this is Mark.
Mark, this is Jenny.
- Hi, Mark.
- Hello, Jenny.
I'm Mark.
- Got it.
- Right right, 'cause Katie just told you.
You're not stupid.
Of course you're not stupid.
You're very smart.
I mean, I don't know, I just assumed.
You're pretty.
She's very pretty.
We should go.
Let's go.
He is so smooth.
So my friend and I were on the indian reservation and we went into an authentic teepee and an old chickasaw woman made me this belt.
I know.
Crazy, right? If you look closely, you can see the buckle is actually made from the hindquarters of a Buffalo.
No offense, but I drifted off there a little.
- You want me to start over? - That's okay.
So what do you do? You know, this and that.
You know, this and that.
That must be hard to balance.
I mean, do you do this during the day and that at night, or is it more of a simultaneous freelance thing you've got going on? You're very quiet.
That's a rare quality.
I like that.
I'm not usually.
Well, it's sweet of you to put it on just for me.
Do you know where the restrooms are, Mike? Mark.
- What? - My name is Mark.
I told you multiple times back at the apartment.
Guess I should've worn the name tag.
How was your date with Jenny last night? When I was seven, my hamster crawled up my pants and bit me on my tenders.
This was worse.
Did the hamster call the next day? Mark, I just got off the phone with Jenny.
She is crazy about you.
Really? Yeah, she wants to go out with you again tonight.
Call her.
Call her right now.
So? Jenny loved Mark, and he's going to go out with her again.
Let's go pick out what he's going to wear.
If we can be successful with Mark, we can be successful with anyone.
That's something I thought I'd never see Women running into your room.
This Jenny girl has me really confused.
Our date was a total disaster and then she agrees to go out with me again.
Women are devious creatures.
Instead of telling you she likes you, she pretends to be disgusted by you.
I get it all the time.
- She's here.
I'll talk to you later.
- I need to go anyway.
I've got a big night planned.
I'm gonna stand behind the velvet ropes at a club and air-kiss the hot girls as they go by.
Hi, Jenny.
You look nice.
Thank you.
I thought we'd have a drink here, and maybe go grab some dinner.
Great.
Got any more accessories stories? Well, actually I got this watch on a school trip to Alaska.
The second hand is actually a grizzly bear.
Never thought I'd Miss the belt story.
- Look who's here.
- Katie, so great to see you.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi! Yes, hi! I'm not here to see how it's going.
You got me.
I'm totally here to see how it's going.
How's it going? Kind of the same as the other night.
It's going great.
I'm glad it's going well.
I just thought I'd pop by.
Have fun.
No, it's OK.
Have a seat.
- Yes, please stay.
- No, I'm not gonna do that.
I just came by to check in.
Have fun, you two.
Katie's great, isn't she? She's amazing.
So why are you out on a date with me, when it's obvious that you have a huge crush on her? You you you are so off base.
Really? Come on, I see the way you look at her.
Well It's a simple question, yes or no? - No.
- No, you don't have a thing for her? No, I don't want to answer the question.
Then you do have a crush on her.
I don't blame you.
I have a crush on her too.
This is fantastic.
Tell me another Katie story.
Well, this one night we went out after work and ended up dancing on a bar top in the meat packing district.
And if you go there today, you can still see our bras hanging on the moose head over the bar.
Well, I love bras and I love mooses.
And what happened after that? Well, to be completely honest, I can't remember.
But I do know that I have never laughed harder in my entire life.
- Katie's got this great laugh.
- I know.
I love that about her too.
Yeah, it's kind of like No, I'm not getting it right.
It's more like Kind of like Right.
You're different when you talk about Katie.
Different how? You kind of come alive a bit Not that your belt stories weren't great.
- So you were listening.
- Yeah.
- I'm actually having a great time.
- Me too.
I'm glad Katie set us up.
Me too.
Mark told me you might be coming over and I didn't believe him.
And here you are.
Curiosity got the best of me.
I just had to see where the Thom man lives.
Entrez vous, dear Sire.
So what do you think? I think I threw this couch out last spring.
Can we talk about the fact that the girl I'm dating also has a crush on the girl i'm in love with? What? Jenny has a crush on Katie? Does that mean she's a lesbian? It's complicated.
You turned her lesbian.
Join the club.
There's only one reason a girl tells a guy she has a crush on another girl.
- Why? - She wants you both.
Congratulations, Mark.
Jenny is hetero-flexible.
I can attest to the hetero part.
She is an amazing kisser.
- So what are you gonna do? - I'll tell you what you're gonna do.
First you're gonna put in a tape, then you're gonna hit "record.
" So mark is going out with jenny again? It's the third date.
The sex date.
Mark might have sex tonight? We'd better clear out.
You ever see a water main burst? And I love that you called me Mike.
Come on, that was on purpose.
Maybe a little.
But only because your stories were lame.
- I stand by the belt story.
- You are so cute.
And very persistent.
I can't believe you want a second date after the first one went a little sideways.
That's me Mr.
Persistent.
Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
- Looks like you guys are having fun.
- We really are.
Oh my gosh, I love your earrings.
- I made them.
- Really? I've been designing jewelry in my spare time.
Beautiful and talented.
Thank you.
So big third date tonight? - Not that we're counting.
- No significance in the third date.
- None.
- Is it even three? We have no idea how many dates you've been on.
- I am beat.
- Me too.
Beat, beat, beat.
- Katie, don't run off.
- Stay and hang out for a bit.
- And me? - You're tired.
Stay.
I'd love to see the rest of your stuff.
She wants to see her stuff, Mark.
Are you sure i'm not intruding? This is the third date after all.
Not at all.
All right, right back.
Isn't Katie awesome Setting us up and then not wanting to intrude? Going on about the third date so cute.
She really is.
So how do you feel about an extra body in your bed tonight? That's what Katie was angling for.
I think she wants it to happen.
Really? And you think this is a possibility? You think this blessed event might happen? Yes, so what do you say? Are you ready for the night of your life? Can you excuse me for just one second? Sure.
- James - I heard.
You were right.
What do I do? The threesome is one of nature's most mysterious occurrences.
On the one hand, you must never turn one down.
On the other hand, it could be the biggest disaster of your adult life.
Really? So what should I do? Do it! Do it now, you insane fool.
No, wait.
No matter what, just know that at some point the women involved will get threesome remorse, there by tainting everything forever.
Me I don't care about that.
But if you want a future with katie, be careful, man.
But do it.
But don't.
Damn it, i'm never indecisive.
Why don't they teach this stuff in school, so you're prepared? If you blow this, I will buy a hamster and turn it loose in your pants.
Check this out.
I made it too.
Oh my god, it's beautiful.
Each piece is so special.
It is so on.
Are you sure? Looks like Katie's just showing her a necklace.
Grow up.
Jenny'spretending to like her jewelry so she can get a better look at her chest.
Nobody cares about some chick's homemade jewelry.
It kind of matches the earrings.
You could totally sell this stuff.
- Really? - Yeah.
Bring them down to my office.
They would buy a ton of it.
That would be great.
Thank you.
I'm scared, James.
Of course you are.
You're jumping into the unknown.
Now get out there.
They're starting without you.
OK, I will.
Just don't rush me.
You don't understand.
This is very rare.
It's only happened to me 6, 7 times.
So how are you and Mark getting along? Great.
I really like him.
So do you think it might get to the next level? I want to, but I don't know about him.
He seems kind of nervous.
Just between you and me, it's been a while.
I'm sure he wants it too.
Look at you wow.
Thank you.
I need that.
Be gentle with him.
He's sweet.
I'll be right back.
What's going on? Is Katie coming to get me? Is that how it works? Threesomes are like snowflakes Each one's unique.
I just came in to say I know you're nervous.
I'm not nervous? Why would I be nervous? You know.
Anyway, you don't have to worry.
Just let things happen naturally.
Cool.
So, are you sure you're okay with this? Of course.
But won't it be weird afterwards? Don't worry about all of that.
I want you to be happy.
You deserve it.
I do deserve it.
Okay then.
I will see you later.
Yes.
Jenny, bright as a penny.
Hey there yourself, Mark.
- You're Ready? - Yes.
And don't worry.
Katie told me to be gentle.
- Wait a minute.
- What's wrong? I'm sorry.
I can't have a threesome with you and Katie.
Threesome? You thought that we were having a threesome? No no, I did not.
- Where are you getting that from? - You just said it.
Okay, you got me there.
- But you said you had a crush on katie.
- I do have a crush on katie.
- Okay then.
- A girl crush, you idiot.
And that doesn't lead to sex? Cause I'm really confused.
No! Women are more evolved than men.
We can be attracted to a girl for her and not want to get into bed with them.
You can? Is that legal? I want to be around Katie.
I don't want to be with Katie.
Why are men such freaks? Why would you ask me if I wanted an extra body in bed? I was talking about my body in your bed.
I get that now.
That makes sense.
I can't believe I was planning on sleeping with you tonight.
- Where are we with that? - Bye.
I'll call you.
I don't know what your plans are tomorrow, but cancel 'em.
We're going hamster shopping.
So I blew it.
I had a hot girl who wanted to have sex with me, and I drove her away.
I get that, man.
I've had unattractive women who didn't want to have sex with me, and I drove them away.
It's so unfair.
I'll never understand women.
And yet we keep trying.
A girl crush? What the hell is that anyway? A non-sexual mutual admiration.
It's like what we have.
It's called a bro-mance.
I have another thing i'd like to call that A no-mance.