Royalties (2020) s01e05 Episode Script
I Am So Much Better Than You at Everything
1
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Do-do-do-do-do ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Ba-da-ba-doobie-do ♪
This is the theme song ♪
This is the theme song, yeah. ♪
SARA: Ooh, it would be
better if you repeated
that same line a bunch of times.
- Try that.
- PIERCE: Okay, so
- You left me ♪
- Me ♪
- You left me ♪
- Left me ♪
See?
BOTH: You left me ♪
- One more time. Okay.
- Beautiful.
BOTH: You left me ♪
PIERCE: Then you told
me that you love me.
BOTH: That you love me ♪
- But you left me ♪
- Yes.
BOTH: You left me. ♪
Beautiful.
I like that. That's a lot better.
- It's so good.
- It's a lot better.
KENDRA: Guys, two days before deadline.
I'm loving the song.
You two are killing it.
Yes, they do possess a
killer instinct, don't they?
At least one of 'em does.
Elia. [CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, I'm sorry, we're recording.
- You can't be in here.
- Kendra, silence this creature.
Excuse me, this creature has a name.
- Theo.
- Theo.
I see you've found a
new teat to suckle on
since I shook you loose of mine.
That's right, I've moved on
to bigger, better teats, Elia.
- Mm.
- People actually want to work
with Sara and Pierce.
Unlike you.
That warms my heart.
You know, so often in
this music game of ours,
collaborators are torn apart by
their own egos, their lust for credit.
No, these kids have four
hits under their belt,
and that is a winning streak.
[SIGHS] Be a real drag
to see it end, wouldn't it?
♪
Uh, give me, uh your
best Doggie Doggie.
Do you want any, uh, ketchup,
mustard or onions on that?
No, Kevin.
No, none of those will do.
You see, my palate requires
something far more bitter.
No, I-I'd like a generous
amount of pickles
topped right on my Doggie,
if that's okay with you.
There you go.
Do you not know what the
word "generous" means, Kevin?
Is this piddly-dick portion the
extent of your generosity?
I-I-I could put more on if you want.
[MOCK STAMMERING]
Could you, Kevin? Could you?
Show me. Why don't you show me that?
More. More.
More, goddamn it!
What's with you, Kevin?
Did kids beat you
with bags of pickles on the schoolyard?
What is it about pickles that brings
out the inner coward of Kevin?!
There.
Thank you, Kevin.
Hello. You mind if I join you?
Well, there's a lot of open seats.
Yes, but I find breaking
bread with a stranger
can open a door to friendship.
How would you like to make
a new friend today, Sara?
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm just a fan of your work.
Jesus, you must really like pickles.
Actually, I hate pickles.
I'm gonna throw each and
every one of these away.
Why, then, did I browbeat
this poor, underpaid,
curly-haired boy into putting
every pickle onto my plate?
Um
Power. It felt good to remind Kevin
that I held the power over him.
And it's always important
to be the one with power.
Especially in a working
relationship, you know, like a
I don't know, like a writing
partner, for instance.
Oh. That's not a problem
with me and Pierce.
- I'm definitely the one in charge.
- Mm.
He wouldn't even know where to
take a shit without me telling him.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Why do we have
to potty train every last one of 'em?
[LAUGHS]
So, what's the what's the
royalty split between you two?
60/40?
No, we split everything 50/50.
That's a good deal for Pierce.
Wait, if you are just
gonna throw those away,
can I have some pickles?
Oh, Sara, Sara, Sara, I
am disappointed in you.
You see, if you really
wanted these pickles,
all you had to do was
reach out and take them.
Heads up, Kevin.
♪
Oh, wow, these
strawberries look so fresh.
You don't know how deeply
those words move me.
I'm just a simple farmer who takes
pride in the simple things in life,
like fresh strawberries
and a bountiful harvest.
Too bad it's not enough for her.
Uh, who?
Oh, my wife. Profit, profit, profit.
I break my balls just trying
to keep up the pace.
Hey, I feel you, my man. I get
bossed around all the time.
But you know what they say:
"Happy Sara, happy life".
Who's Sara?
Oh, she's-she's like my wife,
except we don't have sex
and we like each other.
Women, huh?
You know, it'd be nice if they
showed us a little gratitude
once in a while, instead of saying,
"You wouldn't know where
to shit unless we told you to".
What if they told us that we're
a good boy once in a while?
Yeah.
FARMER: Hey, that's my stand!
I gotta go.
FARMER: Get away from my kumquats!
♪
PIERCE: Okay, boss, um,
I'm right about ready to
start recording that song.
I just need to take a shit first.
So, where should I go?
Uh, the far bathroom. The
close one's for pee only.
Okay.
Wait a second.
Why do I always have
to tell you what to do?
I don't know. You tell me.
Well, if I'm the leader,
I think we need to
discuss our percentages.
From now on, I think I should get
majority split on all our songs.
Majority split?
- You want majority split?
- Yeah.
Maybe I'd give it to you
if you were nice to me.
Uh, hey, guys, uh, we're
getting dangerously close
to that old deadline, so why
don't we, uh, get to work?
Uh, maybe I'd keep working
if if you were nice to me.
Hey, Leo I mean Theo. Fuck.
What in the fuck is happening here?
It's Monday. You were
supposed to be recording.
I made it very clear, I
needed the song by noon.
Hello. It's 6:00. It's 6:00.
It's not my fault, okay? Listen.
SARA: I am always the one who
figures out all the song ideas. Always.
Well, you wouldn't get there
without me.
All right? They've been at it for hours.
Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
This isn't happening. No, thank you. No.
And do you ever call me a good boy?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop. Stop.
What is happening to my dream team, huh?
Did you forget you were going
to hand in a masterpiece today?
Sorry, we were just having
a necessary discussion
about our percentage split.
And how are you going
to split nothing, hmm?
That's right, you flaked out
and missed the deadline.
Another writer didn't, and the
artist decided to go with his song.
Congratulations. Somehow you managed
to snatch defeat from
the jaws of victory.
- Kendra, we're really so sorry.
- Oh, we're so sorry.
You lost a big opportunity today.
And what's worse, you lost it
to that waxed asshole Elia Peck.
[KENDRA HUFFS]
I am so much better ♪
Than you at everything ♪
You put on pants one leg at a time ♪
But I'm already wearing pants ♪
And they're perfectly tailored ♪
You get your baked
goods from the mall ♪
But all of mine, they
come from France ♪
That's a country in Europe ♪
From a shop you'll never find ♪
Some people say ♪
I'm a genius ♪
Which comes from the
Greek word for Latin ♪
And other people say ♪
Yeah, they're right ♪
I'm in fact a fucking genius ♪
So it's not my fault ♪
You can't be mad when I say ♪
I am so much better ♪
Than you at everything ♪
Everything ♪
I am so much better ♪
This is bullshit.
Well, well.
I believe a congratulations
is in order to me.
How'd you like my new song?
I must admit, I don't think
it would have come together
without you kneecapping the competition.
Thank you.
- You're Elia Peck.
- In person.
Me and Pierce would
have finished that song
if you hadn't torn us apart.
I did precisely what I
needed to do to get the hit.
And something tells me you
would have done the same thing.
I've been watching you, Sara.
You will do anything to succeed.
I wasn't lying when I said I was a fan.
I admire your ambition.
And when you're ready to
embrace your true nature,
I would love to work with you.
No, thanks.
I write with Pierce.
Well, things change.
Give me some of those pickles.
Peck is an asshole, yeah. ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Do-do-do-do-do ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Ba-da-ba-doobie-do ♪
This is the theme song ♪
This is the theme song, yeah. ♪
SARA: Ooh, it would be
better if you repeated
that same line a bunch of times.
- Try that.
- PIERCE: Okay, so
- You left me ♪
- Me ♪
- You left me ♪
- Left me ♪
See?
BOTH: You left me ♪
- One more time. Okay.
- Beautiful.
BOTH: You left me ♪
PIERCE: Then you told
me that you love me.
BOTH: That you love me ♪
- But you left me ♪
- Yes.
BOTH: You left me. ♪
Beautiful.
I like that. That's a lot better.
- It's so good.
- It's a lot better.
KENDRA: Guys, two days before deadline.
I'm loving the song.
You two are killing it.
Yes, they do possess a
killer instinct, don't they?
At least one of 'em does.
Elia. [CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, I'm sorry, we're recording.
- You can't be in here.
- Kendra, silence this creature.
Excuse me, this creature has a name.
- Theo.
- Theo.
I see you've found a
new teat to suckle on
since I shook you loose of mine.
That's right, I've moved on
to bigger, better teats, Elia.
- Mm.
- People actually want to work
with Sara and Pierce.
Unlike you.
That warms my heart.
You know, so often in
this music game of ours,
collaborators are torn apart by
their own egos, their lust for credit.
No, these kids have four
hits under their belt,
and that is a winning streak.
[SIGHS] Be a real drag
to see it end, wouldn't it?
♪
Uh, give me, uh your
best Doggie Doggie.
Do you want any, uh, ketchup,
mustard or onions on that?
No, Kevin.
No, none of those will do.
You see, my palate requires
something far more bitter.
No, I-I'd like a generous
amount of pickles
topped right on my Doggie,
if that's okay with you.
There you go.
Do you not know what the
word "generous" means, Kevin?
Is this piddly-dick portion the
extent of your generosity?
I-I-I could put more on if you want.
[MOCK STAMMERING]
Could you, Kevin? Could you?
Show me. Why don't you show me that?
More. More.
More, goddamn it!
What's with you, Kevin?
Did kids beat you
with bags of pickles on the schoolyard?
What is it about pickles that brings
out the inner coward of Kevin?!
There.
Thank you, Kevin.
Hello. You mind if I join you?
Well, there's a lot of open seats.
Yes, but I find breaking
bread with a stranger
can open a door to friendship.
How would you like to make
a new friend today, Sara?
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm just a fan of your work.
Jesus, you must really like pickles.
Actually, I hate pickles.
I'm gonna throw each and
every one of these away.
Why, then, did I browbeat
this poor, underpaid,
curly-haired boy into putting
every pickle onto my plate?
Um
Power. It felt good to remind Kevin
that I held the power over him.
And it's always important
to be the one with power.
Especially in a working
relationship, you know, like a
I don't know, like a writing
partner, for instance.
Oh. That's not a problem
with me and Pierce.
- I'm definitely the one in charge.
- Mm.
He wouldn't even know where to
take a shit without me telling him.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Why do we have
to potty train every last one of 'em?
[LAUGHS]
So, what's the what's the
royalty split between you two?
60/40?
No, we split everything 50/50.
That's a good deal for Pierce.
Wait, if you are just
gonna throw those away,
can I have some pickles?
Oh, Sara, Sara, Sara, I
am disappointed in you.
You see, if you really
wanted these pickles,
all you had to do was
reach out and take them.
Heads up, Kevin.
♪
Oh, wow, these
strawberries look so fresh.
You don't know how deeply
those words move me.
I'm just a simple farmer who takes
pride in the simple things in life,
like fresh strawberries
and a bountiful harvest.
Too bad it's not enough for her.
Uh, who?
Oh, my wife. Profit, profit, profit.
I break my balls just trying
to keep up the pace.
Hey, I feel you, my man. I get
bossed around all the time.
But you know what they say:
"Happy Sara, happy life".
Who's Sara?
Oh, she's-she's like my wife,
except we don't have sex
and we like each other.
Women, huh?
You know, it'd be nice if they
showed us a little gratitude
once in a while, instead of saying,
"You wouldn't know where
to shit unless we told you to".
What if they told us that we're
a good boy once in a while?
Yeah.
FARMER: Hey, that's my stand!
I gotta go.
FARMER: Get away from my kumquats!
♪
PIERCE: Okay, boss, um,
I'm right about ready to
start recording that song.
I just need to take a shit first.
So, where should I go?
Uh, the far bathroom. The
close one's for pee only.
Okay.
Wait a second.
Why do I always have
to tell you what to do?
I don't know. You tell me.
Well, if I'm the leader,
I think we need to
discuss our percentages.
From now on, I think I should get
majority split on all our songs.
Majority split?
- You want majority split?
- Yeah.
Maybe I'd give it to you
if you were nice to me.
Uh, hey, guys, uh, we're
getting dangerously close
to that old deadline, so why
don't we, uh, get to work?
Uh, maybe I'd keep working
if if you were nice to me.
Hey, Leo I mean Theo. Fuck.
What in the fuck is happening here?
It's Monday. You were
supposed to be recording.
I made it very clear, I
needed the song by noon.
Hello. It's 6:00. It's 6:00.
It's not my fault, okay? Listen.
SARA: I am always the one who
figures out all the song ideas. Always.
Well, you wouldn't get there
without me.
All right? They've been at it for hours.
Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
This isn't happening. No, thank you. No.
And do you ever call me a good boy?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop. Stop.
What is happening to my dream team, huh?
Did you forget you were going
to hand in a masterpiece today?
Sorry, we were just having
a necessary discussion
about our percentage split.
And how are you going
to split nothing, hmm?
That's right, you flaked out
and missed the deadline.
Another writer didn't, and the
artist decided to go with his song.
Congratulations. Somehow you managed
to snatch defeat from
the jaws of victory.
- Kendra, we're really so sorry.
- Oh, we're so sorry.
You lost a big opportunity today.
And what's worse, you lost it
to that waxed asshole Elia Peck.
[KENDRA HUFFS]
I am so much better ♪
Than you at everything ♪
You put on pants one leg at a time ♪
But I'm already wearing pants ♪
And they're perfectly tailored ♪
You get your baked
goods from the mall ♪
But all of mine, they
come from France ♪
That's a country in Europe ♪
From a shop you'll never find ♪
Some people say ♪
I'm a genius ♪
Which comes from the
Greek word for Latin ♪
And other people say ♪
Yeah, they're right ♪
I'm in fact a fucking genius ♪
So it's not my fault ♪
You can't be mad when I say ♪
I am so much better ♪
Than you at everything ♪
Everything ♪
I am so much better ♪
This is bullshit.
Well, well.
I believe a congratulations
is in order to me.
How'd you like my new song?
I must admit, I don't think
it would have come together
without you kneecapping the competition.
Thank you.
- You're Elia Peck.
- In person.
Me and Pierce would
have finished that song
if you hadn't torn us apart.
I did precisely what I
needed to do to get the hit.
And something tells me you
would have done the same thing.
I've been watching you, Sara.
You will do anything to succeed.
I wasn't lying when I said I was a fan.
I admire your ambition.
And when you're ready to
embrace your true nature,
I would love to work with you.
No, thanks.
I write with Pierce.
Well, things change.
Give me some of those pickles.
Peck is an asshole, yeah. ♪