Rugrats (1991) s01e05 Episode Script

[ gasps]
THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
DAD-BURNED DEMOCRATS.
HMM. LITTLE MISS LOVELY CONTEST.
FIRST PRIZE, FOR THE BABY GIRL,
A BOATLOAD OF TOYS
AND FOR THE PROUD FATHER,
THE KINGFISHER 9000.
NOW, THAT'S A FISHING BOAT.
TOO BAD TOMMY
IS NOT A GIRL.
HELLO, TOMMY.
[ humming]
HELLO, STU.
HELLO, POP.
STU, YOU EVER WISH
TOMMY WAS A GIRL?
COME AGAIN?
I WAS WONDERING WHAT TOMMY
WOULD LOOK LIKE IN A DRESS.
POP, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, I WAS READING THE PAPER
AND I CAME ACROSS
THIS LITTLE MISS LOVELY CONTEST.
YOU KNOW, FOR BABY GIRLS?
AND?
AND I WAS THINKING WE COULD
DRESS TOMMY UP LIKE A GIRL
AND ENTER HIM IN THE LITTLE
MISS LOVELY CONTEST.
ARE YOU OFF YOUR NUT?
NO ONE'S GOING
TO CROSS-DRESS MY BOY
AND STICK HIM
IN SOME BEAUTY CONTEST.
FIRST PRIZE.
HUH?
HMM
UH-HUH.
[ creaking]
[ whinnying]
OH!
Grandpa:
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?
Stu:
YEAH, AND CHECK OUT
THIS PARTY DRESS.
GOES GREAT WITH
THE BLOND WIG, HUH, POP?
NOPE. TOO GAUDY.
IF YOU ASK ME
THE PANTSUIT HAS MORE
OF THAT FEMININE EDGE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD
TAKE ANOTHER LOOK
AT THAT RETRO-'60s FLIP WIG.
SAY, HOW A YELLOW WIGWAG
WITH A SPOON?
HUH?
A YELLOW WIGWAG WITH A SPOON.
TROUT FISHING IN AMERICAWEEKLY
SAYS IT'S THE BEST LURE
FOR BUG-EYED CARP.
BUG-EYED CARP
RIGHT OUT THERE IN THE MIDDLE
OF LAKE WICKIWOCKI.
IN OUR KINGFISHER 9000.
[ both sighing]
Doorbell! Doorbell!
Doorbell! Doorbell! Doorbell!
OH, HI, BETTY.
HI, DEED. MEGA-LONG DAY.
HEY, LET'S PEN THESE PUPS
AND BREW SOME JAVA, HUH?
[ door closing]
HOWDY, BOYS.
HI, BETTY. WE'RE
JUST OFF TO, UH
ROTATE THE TIRES.
WE'LL BE BACK
IN AN HOUR.
YOU'VE GOT TO TRY
MY NEW VIENNESE ROAST.
THAT THE STUFF
THAT COMES IN CANS?
NO. IT COMES
IN PREMEASURED PACKETS.
THEY DISSOLVE
AFTER A MINUTE OR SO.
[ squeaking]
SOMETHING'S GOING ON IN HERE.
DAD AND GRANDPA
ARE ACTING PRETTY WEIRD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THEY KEEP TALKING
ABOUT FISHING
WHICH HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH ME WEARING A WIG
AND DRESSING UP LIKE A GIRL.
WHAT'S A WIG?
I THINK
IT'S THIS FURRY ANIMAL
THAT SLEEPS ON YOUR HEAD.
HOW COME YOU GOT TO DRESS UP
LIKE A GIRL TO GO FISHING?
I DON'T KNOW.
I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO.
I DON'T THINK
I LOOK SO GOOD AS A GIRL.
AH, IT'S
NO BIG DEAL, TOMMY.
YEAH. PHIL AND ME
TRADE PLACES ALL THE TIME.
AND NOBODY
EVER NOTICES.
OKAY, NOW WATCH.
[ crying loudly]
OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL?
GIRLS SEEM TO CRY MORE
THAN BOYS AT THIS AGE.
MM-HMM.
OH, MY BIG BABY MAN.
GUESS THEY'RE OKAY, DEED.
WHERE WERE WE?
WELL, WE WERE TALKING
ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN.
SEE?
SEE?
QUIET, POP.
DON'T SLAM THE DOOR.
[ slamming]
I TOLD YOU
NOT TO SLAM THE DOOR.
YOU MAKE ME NERVOUS.
I DON'T WANT DIDI
TO FIND OUT ABOUT THE CONTEST.
WHERE ARE
YOU GUYS GOING?
UH, WE'RE, WE'RE
JUST HEADING OFF.
TO DO THINGS.
OH.
MANLY THINGS.
WHAT ABOUT TOMMY?
DID YOU BRING ENOUGH DIAPERS,
A BOTTLE, BABY WIPES
AND SOMETHING
TO PLAY WITH?
IT'S ALL HERE.
OH. WELL, OKAY.
I WONDER IF THEY REMEMBERED
HIS RICE CRACKERS.
OKAY
YOU'LL BE THE FIRST
TO GO ON NOW, CINDY LOU.
STAND RIGHT HERE.
Girl:
MY COUNTRY TEARS OF THEE
THAT'S "'TIS OF THEE,"
PUMPKIN.
ANGELICA!
KEEP GOING, MUFFIN
BUT A LITTLE SWEETER.
SWEET LAND OF LIZARDY
I'M AFRAID YOU'LL HAVE
TO TAKE YOUR SEAT NOW, SIR.
WE'RE ABOUT
TO BEGIN.
OH, SORRY.
NOW, REMEMBER,
SMILE AND MOVE, HONEY.
SMILE AND MOVE.
OKAY, DADDY.
Angelica:
DON'T I KNOW YOU?
UH, NO.
I DON'T THINK SO.
I KNOW THIS,
GOLDILOCKS:
NEXT TO ME, YOU'RE
THE CUTEST GIRL IN THE SHOW.
YOU THINK SO?
PRETTY FUNNY, KID,
BUT REMEMBER THIS:
IF YOU WIN,
YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET IT.
Announcer:
THAT WAS LITTLE MISS CINDY LOU.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT
IS LITTLE MISS ASHLEY.
OOH.
[ gasping]
[ cackling]
I CAN TASTE
THOSE BUG-EYED CARP NOW.
WE'LL CAN TELL DIDI WE WON
THE BOAT IN A, UH.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE CONTEST.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
[ gasping]
HAVING FUN, GOLDILOCKS?
JUST REMEMBER
WHAT I TOLD YOU.
ANGELICA, YOU CAN TALK
TO YOUR LITTLE FRIEND
AFTER THE CONTEST.
IT'S YOUR TURN
TO GO ON.
OH, GOODY.
I CAN HARDLY WAIT.
THANKS FOR COMING
ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE, DIDI.
SINCE GRANDPA AND STU
TOOK TOMMY FOR THE DAY
I HAD A LITTLE TIME
ON MY HANDS.
AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT,
LITTLE MISS ANGELICA.
ANGELICA?!
THAT-THAT MEANS
DREW IS HERE!
SMILE AND MOVE.
Drew:
AND SMILE AND MOVE.
SMILE AND MOVE.
[ murmurs of approval]
DO THE SONG.
DO THE SONG.
NOW, OUR FINAL CONTESTANT
WAIT A MINUTE!
I STILL GOT TO DO MY SONG.
[ clearing throat]
[ inhaling]
MY COUNTRY TEARS OF THEE
SWEET LAND OF LIZARDY
A BEE I SING
LAND THAT MY FATHER BUYS
LAND OF MY CHILLIN' PIES
FROM EVERY
WE GOT TO FIND TOMMY
AND GET OUT OF HERE, POP.
HUH? WHAT ABOUT MY BOAT?
LET FREEDOM R-I-I-I-N-N-G-G!
[ audience murmuring]
IT'S YOUR TURN, SWEETHEART.
COME ON, POP.
NO!
I WANT THAT BOAT.
CAN I HELP YOU,
GENTLEMEN?
WE NEED TO TAKE LITTLE TOM
UH, TONYA HOME RIGHT AWAY.
Announcer:
AND NOW, OUR FINAL CONTESTAN
LITTLE MISS TONYA.
OH, NO! WE'RE TOO LATE.
[ applause]
[ gasping]
[ whimpering]
[ audience gasping]
Audience:
AWW
THAT IS THE SWEETEST
LITTLE GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN.
YOU KNOW, DREW
THAT CHILD
LOOKS SO FAMILIAR.
[ audience laughing]
[ audience cheering]
THAT'S MY GIRL
UH, BOY.
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
THE JUDGES
HAVE MADE THEIR DECISION.
AND NOW, OUR NEXT
LITTLE MISS LOVELY
COME ON, ANGELICA.
KINGFISHER 9000.
KINGFISHER 9000.
KINGFISHER 9000.
TONYA PICKLES!
TONYA PICKLES?!
LITTLE TONYA WAS ENTERED
IN OUR CONTES
BY HER FATHER AND GRANDFATHER.
STEP FORWARD
TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE.
WHY, OF ALL THE NERVE!
I'LL I'LL
[ gasping]
DIDI!
WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.
WHAT'S THIS ABOUT, MA'AM?
I'LL SHOW YOU
WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
DOES THIS LOOK
LIKE A TONYA TO YOU?
[ all gasping]
[ applause]
HMM
ANGELICA ISMY GRANDDAUGHTER
AFTER ALL.
I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY
WE COULDN'T HAVE
WAITED FOR GRANDPA.
GRANDPA CAN JUST HAVE
A NICE WALK HOME.
HE NEEDS TO DO
A LITTLE THINKING ANYWAY.
[ horn honks]
[ Grandpa cackling]
Radio announcer:
This is K.O.L.D.-- K-OLD--
music for the old
and old at heart.
Now for you sports fans
out there
it's time for trivia
with our special guest,
baseball legend Bucky Majors.
SAY, NOW! BUCKY MAJORS!
[ theme music playing]
Majors:
It's a pleasure
to be with youse guys today.
Radio announcer:
I want to remind our listeners
that the 13th caller
with the correct answer
to Bucky's question
wins three tickets to this
afternoon's game against Boston.
That number again is 555-KOLD.
Majors:
Here's the question--
"What player
in the history of baseball
"hit the most homers
on the second Tuesday
"in every month of April
for all time in eternity?"
SECOND TUESDAY IN APRIL
I KNOW THAT ONE!
COME ON, SCOUT!
[ drinking]
MOST HOMERS SECOND TUESDAY
APRIL
[ ringing]
Woman:
Hello?
HELLO?
Hello?
IS IT BUCKY MAJORS?
[ woman mumbling]
YIPPIE!
WE WON, TOMMY, WE WON!
WHAT'S ALL THE COMMOTION
ABOUT, POP?
GRAB YOUR GLOVES, BOYS!
THE PICKLES ARE GOING
TO THE BALL GAME!
Announcer:
Two out, the bases are empty,
and there's no score
here in the bottom
of the first inning.
Husky winds up.
And the pitch
Stee-rike two!
THOSE BOSTON BOOMERS
COULDN'T BAT THEIR WAY
OUT OF A WET PAPER BAG.
GREAT SEATS, POP.
WHAT A VIEW.
MM-HMM.
Haskell shakes off his signal.
[ cooing]
Tommy:
BLEAH!
Here's the windup.
And the pitch
Ooh! Knuckleball!
Strike three!
And the Boomers go down
in the top half of the inning.
BEAR.
Leading off for the Grizzlies
is number six, Bucky Majors.
Color commentator:
Bucky needs no
introduction, Chuck
as a Hall of Famer
and the cornerstone
of the Grizzlies
COME UP HERE, SCOUT,
AND HAVE A LOOK AT GREATNESS.
Chuck:
He leads the league in RBIs.
Tommy:
BEAR.
Grandpa:
AH
SOMEDAY, WE'LL BE WATCHING YOU
DOWN THERE, TOMMY.
[ grunting]
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
HE LIKES
TO PITCH THEM
LOW AND OUTSIDE,
MR. MAJORS.
YEAH?
IF YOU WAI
FOR AN INSIDE CURVE,
YOU'LL HIT I
OUT OF THE PARK.
INSIDE CURVE? OKAY.
MR. MAJORS?
YEAH?
YOU'RE MY HERO.
THANKS, KID.
LUCKY NUMBER THREE,
MR. MAJORS?
HEY!
Majors steps
into the batter's box.
Here's the windup,
and the pitch
Low and outside.
Ball one.
Color commentator:
Majors is in no hurry.
Seems to be waiting
for the right one.
Chuck:
Here's the windup,
and the pitch
Color commentator:
Oh, mama.
Chuck:
It's a high fly ball!
SO LONG, SCREWY!
SEE YOU IN ST. LOUIS!
It's going going
gone
YES!
BEAR!
making the score 1-0, Grizzlies!
And the home crowd
is on their feet.
BEAR.
BOOMERS, BOOMERS,
TAKE A HIKE.
YOU'RE THE TEAM
THAT WE DON'T LIKE!
BEAR.
GREAT GAME, HUH, TOMMY?
BEAR.
YEAH.
OH
OOH! AAH!
OOPS.
IT'S LIKE AN OVEN IN THIS SUIT.
OOH
MMM MMM!
WELP
BACK TO THE GRIND.
BEAR!
WHOA!
THANKS FOR STOPPING BY,
DOMENIC.
THAT'S-A NO PROBLEM.
AH
AH!
AH
POPA-CORN!
GET YOUR HOT A-BUTTERED
POPA-CORN RIGHT HERE!
I'LL TAKE ONE!
A-OOH.
POPA-CORN!
GET YOUR HOT A-BUTTERED
POPA-CORN HERE!
Man:
TOSS ONE OVER HERE!
Chuck, that reminds me
of the time
I PITCHED AGAINST THAT GUY--
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
YOU REMEMBER HIM.
I THINK SO, YES.
ANYWAY, THE BASES WERE LOADED,
IT WAS A FULL COUNT.
SUDDENLY, MY BACK WENT OUT.
OH, YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT STORY.
Chuck:
We've got a pitchers' duel
on our hands.
Not much action here, headed
into the top half of the ninth.
[ both snoring]
MMM
Bucky Majors' home run
remains the difference
in our score.
We'll be back with the ninth
inning after this word
from our sponsors.
DOMENIC, WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT FOR ME TODAY?
WHAT DO YOU GIVE ME
FOR TWO DARRYL STRAWBERRYS
AND ONE VIDA BLUE?
Chuck:
I STILL GOT THE WILLIE MAYS
IN PERFECT
CONDITION.
Domenic:
MAYBE FOR ONE VIDA BLUE.
I GO BACK ON THE AIR
IN 25 SECONDS.
OKAY. ONE STRAWBERRY
AND ONE VIDA BLUE.
Chuck:
The Boomers have
loaded the bases!
It doesn't look good
for Bucky Majors
and the Grizzlies.
[ playing stadium music]
[ hitting discordant notes]
OH!
[ hitting discordant notes]
[ note blaring]
[ note reverberating]
UH UH
GREAT GAME, HUH, POP?
HUH? OH, SURE. GREAT.
WHAT INNING IS IT?
GOT ME.
WHO'S WINNING?
WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE,
A SCOREBOARD?
[ footsteps]
MMM
STU!
GRANDPA!
HMM WHERE IS EVERYONE?
OH.
"WENT TO THE BASEBALL GAME,
HOME FOR DINNER.
"LOVE, STU, TOMMY,
AND GRANDPA.
"P.S. THE GAME'S
ON CHANNEL 2.
LOOK FOR US."
HMM.
Chuck:
And that's it for Haskell.
They'll bring in
the left-hander, McGill.
Color commentator:
McGill has had a weird season.
He's either pitched nohitters
or walked them all.
I guess that's why they call
him "Crazy Arms McGill."
Color commentator:
I thought it was "Crazy Legs."
Chuck:
You're right, Hank.
He does sort of have
crazy legs.
Although the visiting Boomers
have the bases loaded
the Grizzlies need
one more out
to win this ball game.
GAHH.
AHH.
AAH OOH!
WHOO
And here's the pitch.
It's a high hard one
headed for the fence!
Tommy:
WHOA!
OH!
WHOA!
[ crowd cheering]
OH, WHAT A CATCH!
WHAT A PLAY!
What a game!
YAY!
YES!
IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER
I'D SAY THAT WAS TOMMY.
JUMPIN' JEHOSHAPHAT!
THAT ISTOMMY!
I don't know, Chuck.
The kid
just fell into my glove.
OH
YOU KNOW
I'VE PLAYED A LITTLE
BALL MYSELF IN MY DAY.
YOU DID, HUH?
YOU BET.
MINOR LEAGUES, OF COURSE.
HAD A SHOT AT
THE MAJORS BACK IN 1942
BUT WITH THE WAR
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
HUH?
IN MY DAY,
WE PLAYED REAL
Captioned by
The Caption Center
WGBH Educational Foundation