Sanford and Son (1972) s01e05 Episode Script

Smoking less, but enjoying it more.
- Hey, Pop.
- Lamont, you bring cigarettes? Bring any what? Did you bring cigarettes? The smokes.
Did you bring 'em? - Did you hear yourself just now? - Yeah.
Did you bring the cigarettes? No, I don't mean that.
I mean did you hear yourself coughing.
I heard you a block away.
It sounded like they was tearing up the streets.
And you want to know if I brought you some cigarettes.
Well, did you? Did you bring them? I told you to bring me cigarettes.
Yeah, I know you did, Pop.
But listen, I got a better idea.
On the way home, I passed something they call a breathmobile.
You know what a breathmobile is? That's something you spray in your mouth so your friends don't turn away.
No, it's a mobile unit for taking chest X-rays and breathing tests.
- What's that gotta do with me? - Everything, Pop.
Now, you gotta give 'em up.
You gotta give up cigarettes.
- For what? - 'Cause they're killing you.
How long you been smokin' anyway? Let's see, I started after I left school.
L- I was ten.
Ten? That means you've been smoking for fifty-five years.
You know how much smoking that is? Let me see if I can figure this thing.
Ten.
Let me see.
Now, a cigarette is three inches long.
Now, a pack of 20 cigarettes is 60 inches or 5 feet.
- Now, how many do you smoke a day? - Two packs.
Two packs? Pop, that's forty cigarettes.
Let me see, that's That's about ten feet of cigarettes multiplied by one year that's 3,650 feet of cigarette a year.
So what? Three quarters of a mile every year for 55 years.
Pop, since you was 10, you smoked a cigarette 41 miles long.
That's real super king-sized, ain't it? Forty-one miles.
You know You know what that's like, Pop? That's like you smoked a cigarette from from here to Disneyland.
Hey, Pop, do yourself a favor.
Give 'em up.
Give 'em up? I enjoy smoking.
Say, Pop, cigarettes will kill you.
Don't you believe me? I believe you.
Killed a friend of mine in Durham, North Carolina.
- You see that? - Got killed by a tobacco truck.
Truck ran over his nice, clean lung.
I was smokin' at his funeral, trying to relax.
I want you to get a chest X-ray and a checkup.
Now, it's free.
I ain't going.
I don't think you heard what I said, Pop.
I said it's free.
I can go to County Hospital and get some birth control pills free, but you don't see me runnin' around there, do you? - I know what it is.
- What? You scared.
That's what it is.
You're scared.
You're afraid to go down there.
I ain't scared.
Why are you so anxious for me to get an X-ray anyway? You want them to find something wrong with me, don't you? - What are you talkin' about? - I saw it in one of them medical shows.
The kids put their old man in a mental institution and took over the business.
Even Marcus Welby couldn't get him out.
Pop, I just want you to get that cough of yours examined by getting an X-ray and a checkup.
Now, we're both gonna go down there the first thing tomorrow morning and I want you to put on some clean underwear.
- I have to put on some clean underwear? - That's right.
I want you to put on a clean undershirt and some clean shorts.
Why I got to change my drawers? That ain't where my chest is.
You're just gonna to do it, and I'm not gonna even argue with you no more.
You're just goin' down there.
Well, I'll do it, but I don't need it.
But I'll do it for you - if you do something for me.
- What? Go down and get me a pack of cigarettes.
Good morning.
Good morning.
We're here for the tests.
All right, fine.
Why don't you have a seat right here and we'll fill out this form.
- May I have your name, please? - Fred Sanford.
That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period.
- Age? - Sixty.
Pop! He's sixty-five.
Just sixty-five.
You mind your own business.
Sixty-five.
Address? That's Los Angels, isn't it? It sure ain't Beverly Hills.
Have you ever had any serious illness? Never.
I'm in great shape.
What you doin' tonight, darlin'? - I'm sorry.
- That's all right.
He's just joking.
Aren't you? - Stop it.
- All right, Mr.
Sanford if you'll just take this card and give it to the nurse through there.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
I'll wait for him.
Now, may I have your name, please? Sanford.
Lamont Sanford.
And I don't smoke.
- Good.
Age? - Twenty-nine.
- Thirty-one.
- Thirty.
Well, which is it? Twenty-nine, thirty or thirty-one? - I'm 30.
- Going on 31.
- Would you just stay out of this? - You stay out of mine.
- Do you live together? - If you want to call it that.
Do you cough or have any wheezing noises in your chest? Ever change jobs because of a lung problem? Good.
Okay.
Would you take this card and give it to the nurse through there.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Come on.
What time are you getting through here tonight, honey? Get away from her.
Why'd did you have go and tell her my real age for anyway? I could've took her out.
She's pretty.
- Now, she's got TB.
- What? Terrific body.
You're a dirty old man, you know that? And I'm gonna be one till I'm a dead old man.
And anyway, she's closer to my age.
- I could have asked her for a date.
- Who's next? - Why don't you ask her? - Let me have your cards, please.
Right this way.
Now take your jackets off, please.
Wait a minute, honey.
What you doing? - Wait a minute! Wait a minute! - These will show on the X-ray machine.
Well, tell me.
Don't be snatching all over my stuff.
You want me to take my shirt and pants off too? No, that won't be necessary.
I'll be with you in a moment.
And you made me change my drawers, dummy.
Would you go on in there and follow her.
- I ain't going in there.
- Would you go in there.
I ain't going in there with that old, ugly white woman.
Get in there! Okay, everything's ready.
Who's first? All right.
Right this way.
Now put your shoulders against the wall.
That's right.
Tuck it in.
I'll tuck it in if you tuck yours in.
Hey, Pop, look at this.
"Tuberculosis and Respiratory Disease Association of Los Angeles County.
" Now, these are the results of our tests.
- "Fred Sanford.
" That's yours.
- I don't want it.
You open yours first.
You really are a silly old man.
Aha.
Here it is.
"Dear sir, we are happy to inform you that your recent chest X-ray is completely clear and shows no abnormalities.
" You see? Now open yours.
- You open it.
- You really are chicken, aren't you? Don't even wanna open your own mail here.
I'll open it.
Okay.
"Dear sir " Here it is.
"Your recent chest X-ray was unsatisfactory due to a technical fault.
An appointment has been made for you at the County General Hospital for a further X-ray.
" I got it.
I got it! I got it, and it's all your fault! You and that damn X-ray! I done caught it.
I caught it from the X-ray machine.
Oh, Pop, you can't get TB.
From an X-ray machine.
Besides, it don't say you got it.
It says the test was unsatisfactory due to a technical fault.
That's what they say.
They just don't want to come out and tell you.
They just want to break it to you easy.
But I got it, that's for sure.
- I'm dying! - Pop! I'm dying! I can feel myself getting weak.
You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you, honey.
Pop, would you quit that! Now you're panicking.
Oh, Lamont, you're lookin' at a dead man.
You're lookin' at a dead man, and I'm lookin' at an orphan.
I'm dying.
If you have got it, a couple of months in a sanitarium will fix you right up.
Lamont, don't let them take me away, hear? I want to die in my own bed.
Promise me you won't let 'em take me.
- I don't wanna go nowhere.
- Stop it.
You're talkin' foolish.
You got yourself all dead and buried and all it said was that the test was unsatisfactory due to a technical fault.
If you don't believe what I'm saying, take the letter and read it yourself.
- I need my glasses.
- Well, go get your glasses.
I won't need my glasses much longer.
Now, Lamont, when they lay me away, don't let them put my glasses on.
That's the way they buried my Uncle Henry.
He sure looked ridiculous, laying there in the box with his glasses on and his eyes closed.
Get over there and get those glasses.
There's nothing wrong with you.
The letter says the test was unsatisfactory due to a technical fault.
You're always making a mountain out of a molehill.
There's nothin' wrong with you.
I'm not gonna bother with you no more.
You done forced it on me.
What does it say? Says, "Fred, you've had it.
- And you're a dead man.
" - Pop! - It might as well say that.
- Would you read the letter? When does it say you gotta go to the hospital? - You're makin' a big deal.
- It says, uh - Hey, wait a minute.
- What? This ain't mine.
This is yours.
See here? "Lamont Sanford.
" Oh, come on.
They don't make mistakes like that.
Let me see this thing.
I'll straighten this right out.
"Lamont Sanford.
" I got it, Pop.
I got TB.
I got it, Pop.
I got TB.
I got consumption.
Oh, you ain't got nothin'.
It didn't say you have it.
It just said that it was unsatisfactory due to technical fault.
That's just what they tell you to try to break it to you easy.
They don't want to come out and tell you that you're dying.
- But I'm dying, Pop.
- You ain't dying.
You're a young fella.
Yeah, but listen.
L- I got this cough.
Cough over that way.
And I've been tired lately and out of breath.
- Well, you got give them up.
- I don't smoke.
I'm not taking about cigarettes.
I'm talking about women.
That's not it.
I know what it is.
You didn't take care of me when I was a kid.
You didn't give me enough milk.
When I was five, you gave me coffee.
It had milk in it.
It's all your fault.
This house was always damp.
Even my bed was damp.
Now, you can't blame that on me.
Say, Pop, I'm scared.
- I'm really scared.
- Well, don't come near me! Don't come near me with that stuff! That's stuff is catchin'.
But I'm your son.
Your own flesh and blood.
I don't care who you are.
Don't cough on me.
They don't need the both of us having it.
I may have enough trouble trying to run this place alone anyway.
I don't know how I'm gonna do it.
What a terrible thing to happen to a guy my age.
You? What about me? I'm the one who's sick.
But I'm the one who'll have to be here all alone.
Ain't nothin' in the world sadder than an old black man sittin' in a junkyard alone with no cigarettes.
I don't believe you, Pop.
Here I am sick, dying with TB and all you can think about is yourself.
You're a cold, heartless old man.
- Where you going? - I'm going back to bed.
- You just got up.
- Yeah, I know, but I feel kinda tired.
I got to get all the rest I can, Pop, now that I'm sick.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Get you some rest.
I'll see you in the morning if God's willin'.
You're all right, son.
Ain't nothing wrong with you.
- You ain't got it.
- You think so, huh? Sure.
But if you have got it, you got it from that damn X-ray.
Would you take that thing off.
Take off that stupid mask! Well, I'm just trying to protect myself.
You're being ridiculous.
- Say, what is this? - What's what? This tape on the knife and the fork.
Oh, I didn't want to get 'em mixed up, so I labeled all your stuff.
All the stuff you eat with got a label on it.
See, I put labels on everything, see.
"F" is for Fred, and yours is marked "C.
" - "C"? - Yeah.
"Contaminated.
" You want me to go sleep in the yard in the back of the truck? I don't think we have a cord long enough for the heater so you could be warm.
What's the matter with you? You know I'm sick and you come out with a surgical mask and put tape on the knife and fork! Don't you get excited.
You said you needed your rest.
Now stop getting excited and sit down and relax.
- Gee whiz.
- I guess you're right.
I'm not supposed to tire myself out.
Hey, Pop.
Do my cheeks look flushed? Do my cheeks look flushed? It's hard to tell.
You know you got your mother's skin.
But you look all right to me.
Ain't you gonna get dressed and go on out to work? Go to work? Pop, I got TB.
I can't go to work.
I'm sick.
Well, I thought the fresh air might do you some good.
You thought you'd get me out of here so you can have this house fumigated.
How much do they charge? Well, I'm not going to work 'cause I gotta go down to the hospital to get my new X-rays.
Want to get this house fumigated.
Go to work and I'm sick with TB.
Say, Pop? - Would you put this in the safe for me? - What is it? It's my will.
What'd you go and have a will made for? You said yourself, they could kill that stuff in a few days now.
- Real fast.
- Yeah.
- But you never know.
- Yeah, okay.
Well, I got to be going.
I got to be at the hospital in an hour.
I got my shaving stuff and my pajamas in here.
I suppose they'll take me right to the sanitarium.
- So long, Pop.
- Well, so long, son.
And I'll come to visit you, if it ain't too far.
That'd be real nice, Pop.
Well, adios, old fellow.
So long, Pop.
So long, son.
Take care of yourself, hear? "Last will and testament.
" "Dear Pop, by the time you read this, I might be dead unless you can't wait and you went and opened it already.
I leave all my worldly goods to you.
This includes my saving account and the Central Avenue Bank Christmas club and my half of Sanford and Son hereinafter referred to as the business.
I further leave you personally " One across your lips.
Couldn't wait, could you? Just for that, you're getting nothing.
- But I thought you was in the hospital.
- Yeah, I was in the hospital.
But there's nothing wrong with me.
I'm fine.
- Your X-ray turned out all right? - That's right.
It would've been okay the first time if I had remembered to take this off.
- What is that? - The St.
Christopher medal you gave me.
I've been wearing it so long, I forgot I had it on.
You're all right.
That's the main thing.
Welcome home, son.
Some welcome.
I come home and find you readin' my will.
Pop, you wasn't supposed to read this till after I was dead.
I knew you wasn't gonna die.
The minute you left, I was startin' to miss you.
But I'm glad you're home.
You want me to fix you some lunch, son? No.
I'm bushed.
I didn't get no sleep, worrying about them dumb X-rays.
I'm going back to bed.
- Lamont.
- What? - You can't go back to bed.
- Why? I burned your pajamas.
That's all right.
I got another pair in the bag.
And I burned your sheets and pillowcases.
You burned my sheets and pillowcases? Why didn't you just burn the room? I didn't burn your room, but I burned your bed.
You burned my bed? - Yeah, I burned your bed.
- Why? Because I thought your bed might be contaminated.
Open this door, you old buzzard! Open this I'll get you for this! I'm gonna get you for this! Come on in, son.
Watch that statue there.
Cost me a lot of money.
Come on in.
Yeah, put it right over here.
Lean it against the chair here.
That's it, that's it.
Pull it right on over there.
Don't trip the rug up.
Boy, I'm tired.
Why don't we rest a minute? "This tag is not to be removed under penalty of law.
" They get you anywhere you go now, don't they? Well, power to the people.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.