Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Hello.
I'm friends with your grandson Principal Novak, and I have something in Serbian I need translated.
- He said you might be able to help me.
- I knows nothing about you.
But I know about you.
And I brought you a reminder from home.
- Paczki.
- Paczki is Polish.
It's for peasants.
Leave outside for birds.
Bring the box.
I use the box.
So I have these prints.
This no good.
Put outside with Polish trash bread.
I need to know what it says.
Please? I'll bring you another empty box.
It say, "Man eat man, to live.
" This is story of village of Pozica.
When I little girl, they tell this story to frighten childrens.
Whole village turn to monster.
Man eat wife.
Mother eat child.
Dead eat life.
My father tell me if I bad he send me to Pozica and they eat my face.
So many different styles of parenting, huh? I'll say.
So, what does this one mean? "Without cure, man will die.
" Wait, there's a cure? What is it? Who knows.
Pictures come from very old book.
- Cure in book, but book very rare.
- Do you have book? Do you have Mona Lisa? Somebody threw donuts in the yard.
What are you doing here? I felt very bad about the tension between you and my wife the other day.
So I brought your grandmother a, uh empty box.
I told you to stay away from me, and now here you are in my house with my baka? I didn't eat any of them.
- My grandmother! - Andrei, he nice boy.
I nice boy.
But I leave now.
God, that rhythm really gets in your head.
And once I looked up Pozica, I found this.
It's another image from the same book our prints came from.
I think this one shows someone taking the cure.
- Do you really think there's a cure? - Mmm.
Yes.
The baka said so.
- Chewbacca? - No.
The baka.
Baka is "grandmother" in Serbian.
I'm learning so much! - You seem a little manic, honey.
- Well, I feel really manic.
It's exciting, there could be a cure.
You could be eating pizza in a week.
- Don't you want to be cured? - Of course I do.
Although, I do like the way that I feel.
I have endless energy, and I sleep two hours a night.
I get so much done.
- You eat people.
- I know.
It's just that I'm so much more confident now.
And our sex is incredible.
And I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but I can parallel park in one move now.
- But you do want to be cured, right? - Totally.
Mostly.
You eat people.
- I know.
- So we need to find this book.
Well, do we even know the name of it? It's some long Serbian name, which according to a message board roughly translates to: Pozica: Never Fucking Go There.
There's this guy who claims to have it.
Name's Anton.
He's really big in the paranormal world.
This is the only picture I could find of him.
Oops! I was looking at a new carving knife for Thanksgiving.
240 bucks.
Big investment.
Still thinking about it.
Here he is.
No last name, no phone number, just an expired e-mail address.
But I am gonna find you, Anton.
And then I'm gonna read your book, you blurry son of a bitch! We have that open house today.
Maybe you should take the day off, let me cover it.
What? Huh? Well, it's just that everything's been so intense lately and I'm worried about you.
Maybe you should take some Joel time.
I can get Abby to help me.
I guess it could give me some time to search for this Anton guy.
No.
Don't do anything, okay? Just relax.
I'm dead, it can wait until tomorrow.
Okay.
I don't even know if I can relax.
Hey! Oh, I finally found that blooper reel from - My mom's eating people.
- Spaceballs.
Not realizing your news was that.
I went to the storage unit to look at my dad's old bike, I found half a businessman in the freezer.
Wow.
That must have been intense.
- Are you okay? - It was pretty weird.
I opened it expecting to find ice cream and instead there was a dead guy with a look on his face like I surprised him.
I'm sorry.
But your mom is undead, so that's kind of how they roll.
I know.
But she told me she was only gonna be eating raw chicken and beef.
They always make this big thing about how we can be honest with each other and now I find out they're lying to me.
Personally, I don't mind when my mom lies to me.
I just wish she did it better.
Check this out.
She claims she started a new spin class but really, she's having an affair with a guy named Bob.
- No way.
- Yeah.
She accidentally linked her cell phone to my computer so I can see all of her texts.
Today, Bob copied and pasted all of the lyrics to Stevie Wonder's "Part Time Lover.
" - Which seems lazy and on the nose.
- You should say something to her.
It would only embarrass her.
She's just trying to protect me from knowing she's in a crappy marriage.
Maybe your mom's trying to protect you from knowing that she's a vicious killing machine.
No offense, I think it's kinda cool.
Put it away, I'm coming in! Oh, Abby, I didn't know you were here.
- Jesus.
Mom.
- Oh, calm down, everybody does it.
Even your own mother.
You guys want some waffles? Yeah, Abby, my mom masturbated, then made waffles.
- Does that make you hungry? - No.
I should leave.
I actually have to cover for my dad at an open house, so - Oh, what's wrong with Joel? - Turn it off, Dan.
- I think he's just taking the day off.
- Interesting.
Really? Maybe I'm too close to it.
See you, guys.
So you two were alone in your room with the door closed.
- Nothing happened.
- Of course nothing happened.
You're you.
Will you leave him alone, Dan? He's just waiting for his moment.
Honey, there's a casserole in the fridge.
I'm going to spin class again tonight.
Good for you, Mom.
You have fun on that bike.
No regrets.
I'm gonna go next door, talk to Joel about something.
- Oh, God, not the ants again.
- No.
Not the ants.
Too much time on my hands Too much time on my hands Too much time on my hands Too much time on my - Whoa.
- Yeah.
No, I'm good.
I'm on baby duty.
But you can blow it in my face.
Fuck it, just give it to me.
So I got a cop question for you.
Can you run a search on a guy with just a first name and an expired email address? - This guy fucking Sheila? - What? No.
Why would you say that? Two reasons people ask a cop to find somebody: wife-fucking, or because they found a wallet and they want to return it.
Which is usually an excuse to find a wife-fucker.
Uh, it's a work thing.
I was at Starbucks and this guy said he wanted to buy a house with a nice yard.
Has two dogs.
One's a little dog who thinks he's a big dog You know what? I'm too high to lie right now.
- Can you just do it? - Yeah, I don't give a shit.
Gentlemen.
Whoa, hey! What the hell? You can't just walk in my house.
I knocked, no one answered.
Probably couldn't hear me over all this weed.
Marijuana is nice, yes? I smoky with my black lover, have a sexy time! What reaction are you hoping for right now? I thought toking the indo made everything funnier.
Ooh! Baby's awake.
Gotta go.
Oh, come on, man, don't leave me alone with - out you.
- Let him go.
We don't need him to have fun.
- So, what do you want, Dan? - You know, Abby was just over.
Her and Eric have become good friends.
- Yeah.
- And you and Rick are good friends.
- Yeah.
- I don't have a lot of friends.
Maybe you just need to meet people with similar interests and I know how friends work, Joel.
Will you be my friend? Uh No.
Ouch.
That hurt.
I think you should reconsider.
Uh No.
Too bad.
Because if you're not gonna be my friend, then you're fucked.
I killed the fly.
It was a worthy adversary.
Are you baking cookies? No, it's vanilla extract and essential oils baked in the oven at 350.
It's an old realtor trick.
Makes the house smell like home.
- Why not just bake cookies? - Because they're messy.
And I happen to believe Americans get enough sugar in their diet.
- But this is a lie.
- It's not a lie, it's a trick.
What's the difference? One is a sin and one pays for your Spotify.
- What's your problem? - I wanted an honest cookie, Mom.
And you're giving me a nose full of hypocrisy.
Wha Like you're so perfect.
Who skipped school last week? Fuck! That's what I should've said.
Thanks for the sandwich.
That was really good.
Making my balls buzz.
Mmm! I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how that finger got in my backyard.
My gardener got some new pruning shears Ah, Joel I know the finger belongs to Gary West.
I ran the print.
I know that you and Sheila worked with Gary.
And I know that Lisa saw Gary dancing with your wife at the club, grinding her pelvis into a fine mist.
And then Gary disappeared.
Fuck! This is such a drag.
There is one thing I don't know.
How could a pussy like you kill someone? I mean, I once saw you running after an ice cream truck.
- What do you want, Dan? - I told you, I just wanna be friends.
Fine, we're friends.
Let's get Slurpees and go to Magic Mountain.
- So, are you gonna arrest me or what? - Of course not, buddy.
But, hey, now that we are friends, I do need a favor.
I'm gonna be out of town for a few days.
Kind of a hunting/alibi trip.
- Alibi? - Yeah.
While I'm gone, I'm gonna need you to kill someone for me.
- What? - I said, "While I'm gone, I'm gonna need you to kill someone for me.
" I heard you, Dan.
I just said "what?" because I was startled.
Oh.
I'm sorry I startled you.
Still gonna need you to kill someone for me.
Imagine coming home after a long day of work to turn on your new Wi-Fi enabled sound system, which you can listen to from every room in the house.
And poof.
You're in your own private sanctuary.
- Sheila! - I'm in the living room! We're fucked! With clients! Hello.
Pardon my language.
We just have so many bids coming in.
I'm Joel Hammond.
Have you been upstairs to check out the multi-directional spray shower? - Not yet.
- Well, get up there! Master bath, upstairs, right up there, there you go.
Lovely.
Dan found one of Gary's fingers in our backyard.
- Oh, my God.
- He thinks you and Gary were having an affair, and I found out and killed him.
So Dan assumes you killed Gary? That's sexist.
Yes, that's the big problem here, honey.
Dan's devaluing the important contribution women make.
I see the problem, sweetheart.
It's just a little offensive.
We all agree he's a terrible misogynist.
He's also a crooked cop who's blackmailing me to murder someone.
So I don't know where to focus my anger.
He wants you to kill somebody? Why? He's some drug dealer who's murdered a bunch of people.
Dan keeps arresting him and he keeps getting off.
So now Dan wants me to be his personal killer.
Shit! - Abby! - Abba-dabba-doo! It's 4:01.
Open house is over.
Let's go home.
Hopefully, there'll be real cookies there.
A couple came in today with the cutest set of twins.
- I love twins.
- A boy and a girl.
That's the best kind.
Honey, would you mind running out and grabbing that sign for us? Oh, but then I'd miss all the fun twin talk.
Maybe we should just keep driving.
Go home, get some clothes, and just never come back.
Well, that's crazy.
We can't just run away.
Where would we go? And we have so much equity in our house.
Yeah, I didn't think about the equity.
I'm a monster.
I had a thought.
Maybe we can make this work for us.
You want to murder someone for Dan? I will need to eat, and this is a bad guy.
I don't want to be Dan's hired assassin.
I'm just settling into being a real estate broker who kills people.
And the only thing I like about that job is I get to be my own boss.
- Hi.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
- What's going on? - Dinner.
We were talking about what to get for dinner.
Your dad wants chicken, I want beef.
Oh, my goodness.
However will it resolve? Honey, would you mind getting that one for us too? Yes.
Oh, I see, that wasn't a real question.
Abby's been acting a little weird lately.
Have you noticed? No, but it's been a busy day.
I went to the gym, I misplaced my cell phone, oh, and then Dan asked me to murder a murderer.
Okay, I get it.
You don't want to do this.
- Thank you.
- Which is why I'm happy to do this myself.
You have been doing so well with your research and your bookstores.
And I've been doing well sneaking up on people and killing them.
We both have our strengths.
What a team.
Wow.
Dan called me a pussy today.
This feels of a piece.
That wasn't what I was saying.
I was just saying I know you don't wanna go with me when I go to shop for dinner, so I'll go by myself.
No.
It's okay.
I don't like this shopping excursion you're proposing, but I can certainly handle it, so I will help you.
Because what kind of man would I be if I sent you to the grocery store alone? Well, I love you being my shopping partner, so thank you.
Wow.
Your wedding vows must have been awesome.
I can't do it anymore.
I can't just not say anything to my parents when I know they're lying right to my face.
Hello.
I just want to say, "Stop lying! I know that 'beef' you're shopping for probably once wore underwear.
" Am I just supposed to pretend forever I don't know they're killing people? It's tough.
On one hand, they love you and are trying to protect you, and on the other hand - you smell like coconuts.
- I just think that if you love someone, you have to be completely and totally honest with them.
Like, no matter what.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm just gonna tell them I know because Oh, Eric, uh, I'm I'm sorry - It's okay.
- No, it's just I'm going through a lot right now and I can't really get involved with anyone Abby, I get it.
You're not interested in me.
- That's not what - No, it's fine.
I was just trying to prove my point.
Because you're not into me.
But you just lied to protect me so I wouldn't get hurt, like your parents are doing to you.
And I'm not hurt, because this was all a rhetorical exercise to make a point.
Okay.
No, I see what you're saying about, um Um, yeah.
Cool.
Hey, sorry if I embarrassed you by, like, thinking you actually wanted to kiss me.
Oh, me, embarrassed? Please.
You're looking at the guy who peed in his Cowardly Lion costume in the third grade play.
Luckily, it fit the character so it looked like a strong acting choice.
- Right.
Of course.
Bye, Eric.
- Bye-bye now! "Loki Hayes.
Larceny, arson, homicide, homicide, homicide, homicide, impersonating a forest ranger.
" This just goes on and on.
Dan says he's gonna be at his apartment tonight after 11.
Oh, I hate eating so late.
Yeah.
There's a lot about this that isn't ideal.
So how are we gonna get the body from his apartment back to our freezer? There's gonna be a lot of blood.
We need to wrap him up in something that doesn't leak.
We're gonna have to get him to the car in something that doesn't look suspicious.
With a body in it, that trunk is going to be heavy.
Then we won't carry it.
Oh, nothing sexier than a man and his dolly.
- Hello, dolly.
- Well, that's over.
- Is that everything? - Do we bring a weapon? I'm the weapon.
Somebody's cocky.
I have the element of surprise.
No one expects a tiny realtor lady to jump on their back and rip out their throat.
Besides, there's something I enjoy about the kill.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's like a rush.
It feels like I'm giving my body something it needs in an intense and powerful way.
- Is it sexual? - It's not not sexual.
We should go.
Wait here, I'll be right back.
Hey, get out of my way! Well, ain't that the darndest Hi! - Loki Hayes? - The fuck you want? This is your lucky day! Joel, Sheila Hammond, Coby Real Estate.
Were you aware that your building was recently purchased by Southern California's largest condominium developer? Oh, my God! - The fuck I care? - Great question.
The fuck you care is we've been tasked by that very developer to offer you a large cash settlement to forgo your current lease.
Oh, my God! It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Loki.
What do you think? Can we crack the champagne? My cousin in Queens had the same shit happen to her.
She got so much cash, she don't even talk to our family no more.
Yeah.
I want that.
Okay.
We'll draw up the paperwork.
While you grab some glasses.
- Champagne flutes if you have 'em.
- Flutes? I think I may.
Is it, uh, just the three of us here? - No.
I got a snake in my room.
- That's neat.
I may not have flutes.
I thought I did.
Oh, keep looking.
Any tapered glass will do.
It just tastes better in a fancy glass.
I think these are your pants.
I think you're right.
All I could find was Chardonnay gla What the fuck? Let me assure you, this is totally normal.
As part of our inspectorial duties, all air ducts need to be checked and re-checked and then, sometimes I'm stuck.
Damn it! There goes your security deposit.
What kind of realtor are you? Residential, but commercial on request.
- Son of a bitch! - Come back here! Shit! Ow! Aah! Shit! Stay down! Pussy.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't do it.
Honey, it's okay.
Are you all right? I'm fine.
I just I'm fine.
Well, he saw our faces, so we're gonna have to go after him.
- I may have bit him.
- Uh-huh.
I mean, I don't know if I did.
His chains were really thick.
But if I did bite him, will he become like me? We don't know how this spreads.
I never got bitten.
I didn't bite him.
I didn't taste any blood.
Do I have skin in my teeth? I brought a knife in case something went wrong, and it did.
I had him, I just I couldn't do it.
Oh, honey, it's okay.
No, it's not.
Sometimes I feel like you're Batman and Robin is important.
I was gonna say I feel like you're Batman and Robin, and I'm Alfred.
Oh.
We're not gonna find him.
Let's go home.
- What are we gonna tell Dan? - I don't know.
We have a couple of days till he gets back from his hunting/alibi trip.
It's all going to be fine.
I'm almost sure I didn't bite him.
- We're gonna be fine.
- Totally.
Mostly.
Honey, is my briefcase in the kitchen? Yeah, it's right here.
I hope we didn't wake you last night when we got home.
The movie ran longer than we thought.
Is everything okay, Abby? Is there something you wanna talk about? No.
Everything's great.
Great.
- Here.
- Well, thank you.
No problem.
Housekeeping.
Housekeeping, I clean? I come back.