Schmigadoon! (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
Peyton got it.
Peyton got it?
Ugh. I don't believe it.
Oh, why does everyone
care so much about Peyton?
You should meet with Dean Chang.
Make her give you some answers.
Seriously, let's
schedule an appointment.
Why? What's she gonna say?
Anyway, I'm fine. I didn't
become a surgeon for fellowships.
I did it because I wanted to help people
without having to talk to them.
Just ask her what happened so you'll
know you did everything you could.
- I mean, Peyton?
- Please stop.
Okay.
Well, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
It's just a doggy-dog world.
I'm sorry, did you just say
it's a "doggy-dog" world?
No, when a fellowship that
should so clearly go to you,
- goes to someone
- Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Doggy-dog?
Oh, Mel.
You just put me in a
really difficult position
because I need you to
keep saying "doggy-dog,"
but it's my obligation to tell you
that the expression is "dog-eat-dog."
Uh, I don't think so. It's doggy-dog.
You're doubling down?
Dog-eat-dog doesn't make sense.
Dogs don't eat dogs. That never happens.
Then what does "doggy-dog" mean?
It means, like, it's a rough world.
You can be brought down so low,
a dog would have you for a pet.
You'd be doggy to a dog.
Okay, uh, a question comes to mind.
Is English your first language?
- Ugh, okay, babe.
- No, I'm sorry.
Listen, I love you.
It's okay to be wrong.
Well, I'm not wrong.
And I was just trying
to make you feel better.
- You did.
- Ugh.
I'm sorry about today.
You were right about doggy-dog.
Makes a lot of sense.
Thank you, sweetie.
And I'm sorry about the fellowship.
Thank you.
And you, you wouldn't eat
another dog, would you?
No, you wouldn't. You would never.
But you would have your own
dog for a pet, wouldn't you?
Yes, you would.
- Look at that. He agrees with me.
- Mmm.
Melissa, my word, you're disrobing.
No Oh, no, just my shoes. It's late.
What a breath of fresh air you are.
How do you think of these
things? You're such a free spirit.
That's me.
Okay, well, here we go.
Piggies, we are giving
ourselves to nature.
Shall we be tender monkeys?
Wow. You're a little different in love.
But you know what? I'm into
it because I'm not controlling.
Well, how about instead we go
over our top threes of the day?
By which I mean the
day's three worst moments.
Seems you have turned
my world on its head.
Jorge, you don't have to do that.
It's just a dumb thing I used
to do with an old boyfriend,
and I shouldn't have mentioned it.
Okay, but my number one is when
Helen Pritt gave me the stink eye
for using the word "constipated."
Oh, how positively
savage. "Constipated."
What was your number one?
Oh, my number one of the day, uh
well, it was me. I
was a horrible doctor.
Oh, no. Although
Maybe you could prescribe
less radium water, but
Well, I was distracted all day
because my thoughts were
only of you, darling.
How you crack me open and
let the light flood in.
It's crazy, but I feel like
you've done the same for me.
Seems like forever since
I've been this happy.
Suddenly you've got
my senses reeling ♪
Is it just the thrill ♪
Of something new? ♪
Suddenly these feelings ♪
That I'm feeling ♪
If they're real,
then what am I to do? ♪
There's no sense ♪
In trying to explain it ♪
What and where and why ♪
And when and how ♪
All I know is suddenly I love you ♪
And suddenly that's all that matters ♪
Now ♪
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's my fault, I'm sure.
Oh, looky everyone. The
countess has returned early.
How wonderful!
Melissa, this is, uh, the
Countess Gabriele Von Blerkom.
- She also invented stainless steel.
- Jorge, please.
I dabble in aluminothermic
reduction processes and I got lucky.
Oh, my gosh. This is
just like Sound of Music.
Let me guess, you're
just back from the city
and you're supposed to marry him, right?
Have we met? 'Cause I'd never
forget such a lovely creature.
What a beautiful couple you two make.
Blerky, Blerky. You
silly, silly, Blerky.
No, no. Do you think this
woman and I were dancing?
No, I was just simply
spinning her around
to dislodge the food that
she was, uh, choking
I'm Melissa, the new nurse.
Although you look much newer, Blerky,
you shine and sparkle so!
Jorge, I'm parched. Do
root out some champagne.
Yes, of course.
He's in love with you.
- Uh
- Well, he'd hardly be a man if he weren't.
Oh Stop it. No. I mean, I guess.
You are a goddess.
You're so smart and stunning.
Compared to you, I'm,
uh, a barefoot mess.
Ah! What fun. Oh.
Let's just go find your shoes, shall we?
The truth is, it's crazy,
but Jorge and I are in love.
And I know that must hurt,
but I have this feeling,
a vision let's call it,
that you are going to
graciously step aside.
I can't explain how I know.
Let's call it a sixth sense.
Oh, there are so many
things one could call it.
Aw.
What sweaty little hands you have.
You and I must get to
know each other better.
Oh, I know. We'll go
for a drive. Tomorrow?
I would love that, Blerky.
Oh.
You feel comfortable
enough to call me that.
It's raisin bread.
- Yeah.
- It's coleslaw.
Sarsaparilla soda?
My sister must really like you.
She's never smiled like this before.
Everyone in town
thinks she's a sad sack.
Carson.
Why don't you go count the
ants over by that pine tree?
- Absolutely.
- Mmm.
Well, whatever everyone in town thinks,
it's better than what I think of them.
Smiling is overrated.
Twenty-six ants!
Keep counting, buddy!
So, how long are you
going to be in Schmigadoon?
You know, I ask because
I've had difficulties
navigating the ins and outs
of handyman season before.
Well, to be honest, I don't know.
I really need to get back to New York.
Oh, but you can't. I
mean, it isn't safe.
It's filled with gambling and crime
and poor souls who've
tried to make it big
but can't go back home
because of foolish pride.
See, but that's what
I love about New York.
There are so many people in
the city from all walks of life.
I don't know, maybe it's just because
you can't keep track of them all,
but but everyone in New York's
got the chance to reinvent themselves.
My sister kissed Dr. Skinner! My sister!
Carson, you know better than to spy.
That will be sentences when we get home.
Sentences? Then I'm never telling
you how many ants there are.
He thinks everyone's got
to know everyone's business.
It's all right. Maybe he'll
grow up to be a reporter.
I can see that headline.
"Emma Kisses Dr. Skinner:
Schoolmarm Scandal."
No, it's okay. He knows he has a lisp.
I had one too. We don't
pretend that it doesn't exist.
You know what? You are
doing a great job with him.
It can't be easy being
both a sister and a parent.
That's really none of your business.
What? I'm sorry. I meant
that as a compliment.
Well, thank you for that.
Oh, dear. It looks like rain.
- It's clear.
- Well, that's the pattern, isn't it?
No rain. Rain. No rain. Rain.
Oh, it's been so nice seeing you, Josh,
but Carson and I really
need to be on our way.
Wait. Emma, what's wrong?
Carson, it's time to go.
- But Dr. Skinner was
- No, we need to go.
Wha
Emma.
- Good afternoon, Mrs. Layton.
- Is it?
Uh, pardon?
Oh, sir, I hear you. Yes, I hear you.
And normally I'd agree that,
yes, it is a good afternoon.
But not this afternoon. Not
with the state of our town today.
We've got tribulation, my good sir ♪
We've got tribulation in Schmigadoon ♪
Look down there, do you see what I see? ♪
Peanut shells in the street ♪
Lying there like passed-out drunks ♪
In the gutter ♪
Turning town square ♪
Into the floor of a saloon ♪
The home of loose woman ♪
And hooch-happy sinners ♪
A petting pantry ♪
In the middle of the street ♪
Is that what our town's become? ♪
Is that the future ♪
We want for our children? ♪
I'm telling ya things have changed ♪
Ever since those ♪
Two outsiders waltzed in ♪
With their big city ways ♪
And their newfangled ideas ♪
Promiscuity and depravity ♪
Interlopers interloping ♪
With hearts colder ♪
Than the hinges of hell ♪
First the two of them ♪
Arrived unmarried ♪
Brimming with lust ♪
Wanting to share a bed ♪
Then the brazen display ♪
At the basket auction ♪
Now the mayor's out ♪
Proclaiming his perversions ♪
At the root of it all ♪
Are two strangers ♪
Who've never cracked ♪
A Bible in their life ♪
And that's gonna lead ♪
To tribulation and strife ♪
Now I've got nothing
against outsiders ♪
Provided they're ♪
The right kind of people ♪
Kind of folk who look and talk ♪
And act like us ♪
Like peas in a pod ♪
And birds of a feather ♪
Not loudmouthed trash ♪
With their tommyrot, flapdoodle ♪
Claptrap, fiddle-faddle ♪
Jiggery-pokery ♪
Stirring up the cream ♪
While we're waiting for it to settle ♪
Like vermin in the root cellar ♪
Flies in the buttermilk ♪
And they're influencing ♪
There, I said it ♪
They're influencing your children ♪
Like an earwig crawling ♪
From their ears to their brains ♪
And soon your young 'uns ♪
Will be neglecting chores ♪
Milk going sour ♪
Unstrained in the springhouse ♪
Back talk at dinner ♪
No time for the good book ♪
Ragtime blaring on the Victrola ♪
And that's just the beginning, folks ♪
Soon you won't even, no you won't ♪
No, you won't even recognize ♪
Your own town ♪
I'm talking 'bout neon signs ♪
Smoke-filled rooms ♪
Billiard parlors and painted ladies ♪
Wanton women having children ♪
Out of wedlock ♪
Rowdy men using filthy language ♪
The devil himself dancing ♪
On your front porch ♪
Stealing your babies ♪
Out of their cribs at midnight ♪
Cows and sheep having
amorous congress ♪
Children with the mark of the beast ♪
On their foreheads ♪
All thanks to these two out-of-towners ♪
Dr. Skinner and Miss Gimble ♪
Better hold on to your husband ♪
Best keep an eye on your wife ♪
There's gonna be ♪
Some tribulation and strife ♪
- Oh, we've got strife ♪
- Got strife ♪
- And tribulation ♪
- Tribulation ♪
- And not to mention miscegenation ♪
- Ooh, that sounds bad ♪
- Let's pray the Lord ♪
- Pray the Lord ♪
- Will save us soon ♪
- Save us soon ♪
'Cause we've got strife ♪
And tribulation in Schmigadoon! ♪
Strife, strife,
strife, strife ♪
Strife,
strife, strife, strife ♪
I can't hear y'all!
Strife, strife, strife ♪
I love this town.
Y'all know my great-great-granddaddy
founded Schmigadoon
when he came upon this
beautiful tract of land and said,
"They'll never find us here."
But it pains me. Oh! It pains me
to see our town slipping away
right before our very eyes.
I tried to alert the mayor,
but his mind was elsewhere.
In his pants!
His poor wife is so ashamed she
locked herself inside her house.
And this time, on purpose.
I'm sorry, Florence!
New leadership. That's
what Schmigadoon needs.
But who?
Who has the moral wherewithal,
the traditional how-to,
the good, old-fashioned,
all-American je ne sais quoi
to stand up to these two outsiders?
- Mildred Layton for mayor!
- I couldn't.
- Mildred Layton for mayor!
- I wouldn't.
Mildred Layton for mayor!
Okay, I'll do it.
- It's time to vote ♪
- To vote ♪
- And vote for Layton ♪
- Vote for Layton ♪
She is the only one who'll ♪
Save our town from Satan ♪
Save us now ♪
- Let's hope that she ♪
- Hope that she ♪
- Will save us soon ♪
- Save us soon ♪
'Cause we've got strife ♪
And tribulation ♪
Strife and tribulation ♪
Grief and consternation ♪
Grief and consternation ♪
Strife and tribulation ♪
In Schmigadoon ♪
Ow!
Sorry, Pete!
I want you to write "I
will not spy" 500 times.
And do not get up until you
do. Do you understand me?
This is outrageous.
Hey, can I have your pencil, sport?
So, what do you think
happened at the picnic?
Why did your sister get so mad?
She's a mystery.
Here, you can write twice as fast.
Let's see.
- Huh?
- We're cheating!
Shh! No, I'm not
teaching you how to cheat.
This is totally fair.
It's the Air Bud rule.
Oh, boy. Um there's
movies here, right?
Moving pictures?
Oh, yes, sir. I saw
one at the nickelodeon.
It was of a man on a bicycle.
It was like he was right there.
Great. So Air Bud is about a dog
who gets to play on a middle
school basketball team,
because there's nothing in the rule book
that specifically says he can't.
So we're not cheating, we're
just exploiting a loophole.
Gee, thanks!
Uh, Carson, I just
I don't wanna leave
you with the impression
that you shouldn't work hard on stuff.
Or that Air Bud is a good movie.
I mean, it's no Man on Bicycle.
Um
Then you just remove the
carbon from the molten steel
until it reaches a composition that
can maintain the microstructure.
Wow!
I once had to boil soup in my
stainless steel trash can, long story,
and it saved Thanksgiving, so thank you.
And I just wanna say,
I know it is bonkers for
Jorge to choose me over you.
I mean, you could have anyone.
Alfred Hitchcock would turn down
a custard pie to torture you.
Love is weird.
Oh, it happens all the time, my dear.
Powerful men can never resist the help.
Well, thank you for understanding.
You know, it makes me
feel so much better.
It's actually been the story of my life.
Wait. You get a song?
That's surprising. You're
kind of a minor cha
Wait. My backpack, why
Once I wooed a Swede named Bjorn ♪
Had his maid bring tea each morn ♪
Turns out horny Bjorn ♪
He loved servant porn ♪
And poof went my plan ♪
I am beautiful and clever ♪
And I always, always
never get my man ♪
Should you be driving and singing?
There was Tex who traded stocks ♪
Hired a girl to darn his socks ♪
And when Texy's socks led to sexy talks ♪
I was out on my can ♪
Give my all to each endeavor ♪
And I always, always
never get my man ♪
Fell in love with Cole's 1930 Rolls ♪
Dreamed that I would be his bride ♪
But when his chauffeur ♪
Turned out to be a her ♪
They both took me for a ride ♪
How is it still driving?
Seems I'll never end this curse ♪
'Cause now my doctor has this nurse ♪
And what's worse the nurse ♪
Wants me to disperse ♪
Like dust from a fan ♪
So I hope you've had your fun ♪
'Cause the fact is,
girl, you're done ♪
'Cause this time, hon ♪
Oh, this time, hon ♪
Yeah, this time, hon I am gonna ♪
Gonna get my man ♪
Oh.
What are you doing?
Get out.
Is that stainless steel?
Oh, don't sweet-talk me.
I want Jorge. I love him.
And I'm tired of being told how
well-mannered I am for stepping aside.
Now get out of the car!
And don't even think about coming back.
You can't do this. I'm
not the bad guy here.
You walked into my engagement
and destroyed my future.
That's called being the bad guy.
Yeah, well, it's never explicitly
stated, but I think you're a Nazi.
Of course I'm a Nazi.
Can I at least have my backpa
You wanna tell me what's going on?
What is going on is I
have been lying to you.
To everyone. But especially to Carson.
I'm not his sister.
I'm his mother.
Oh, Emma.
Look, it wasn't meant to happen.
I was so young, and
my parents evicted me,
and I wound up in a maternity
ward for wayward girls,
although we were anything but.
And when Carson was born,
I told everyone, including
him, that he was my brother.
I just couldn't let Mildred
Layton and her biddy brigade
say what they would say about
him if they knew the truth.
But, of course, now you know.
So I understand if this means
it's over between us, Josh.
It doesn't change how I
feel about you, Emma. At all.
Carson.
I thought I told you to stay in
your seat until you were done.
- You can't possi
- You lied to me. You're a liar!
No, Carson.
You lost my heart.
I gave you my heart, and you lost it.
Are you sure I didn't
give it back to you?
Check your backpack. 'Cause I'm
Then why do I have your heart?
Maybe I am the bad guy.
Oh, no, is this a dream ballet?
No, no, we're not having
a dream ballet. Okay?
They're annoying and stupid.
They slow everything down.
Nobody likes a dream ballet. Nobody.
I just I don't have time for
one. I have to get back to Schmiga
Actually, no, I don't have to get back
because there's nothing for me there.
There's no reason for me
to be anywhere, really,
so might as well be nowhere.
Carson! Carson! Carson!
Well, well, well.
I've walked these woods all my life.
This is the first time I
came across a six-foot snake.
6'1", actually. And my BMI is 19
Oh!
That's for stealing my gal.
She isn't even with me
anymore, she's with Doc Lopez.
I'm talking 'bout neon signs ♪
Smoke-filled rooms ♪
Billiard parlors and painted ladies ♪
Wanton women having children ♪
Out of wedlock ♪
Rowdy men using filthy language ♪
The devil himself dancing ♪
On your front porch ♪
Stealing your babies ♪
From their cribs at midnight ♪
Cows and sheep having
amorous congress ♪
Children with the mark of the beast ♪
On their foreheads ♪
All thanks to these two out-of-towners ♪
Dr. Skinner and Miss Gimble ♪
Better hold on to your husband ♪
Best keep an eye on your wife ♪
There's gonna be ♪
Some tribulation and strife ♪
- Oh, we've got strife ♪
- Got strife ♪
- And tribulation ♪
- Tribulation ♪
- And not to mention miscegenation ♪
- Ooh, that sounds bad ♪
- Let's pray the Lord ♪
- Pray the Lord ♪
- Will save us soon ♪
- Save us soon ♪
'Cause we've got strife ♪
And tribulation in Schmigadoon! ♪
- It's time to vote ♪
- To vote ♪
- And vote for Layton ♪
- Vote for Layton ♪
She is the only one who'll ♪
Save our town from Satan ♪
Save us now ♪
- Let's hope that she ♪
- Hope that she ♪
- Will save us soon ♪
- Save us soon ♪
'Cause we've got strife ♪
And tribulation ♪
Strife and tribulation ♪
Grief and consternation ♪
Grief and consternation ♪
Strife and tribulation ♪
In Schmigadoon ♪