Schooled (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 LAINEY: Back in the '90s before schools focused on the well-rounded student, William Penn Academy only cared about one thing, sports.
Unfortunately, the same was not true for the Arts.
Big news, theater kids! I'm the new director of the school musical! Where's Ms.
Cinoman? Actually, she wrote a play that's going to be on Broadway.
Well, uh, not on Broadway.
It's more of an off-Broadway production.
- In Tennessee.
- What play did she pick for us? Got all the info right here in the binder she threw in my driveway as she drove by.
Looks like it's The Frogs by Aristophanes? (ALL GROAN) They only picked it 'cause it's old and free, and theater gets, like, no money from the school.
This makes no sense.
You're in the best prep school in Philly.
For sports.
Not theater.
How do you not know any of this? You went here.
Because we did Phantom.
That show made me want to be a singer.
We've complained to Mr.
Glascott.
- Nothing happens.
- Until now.
Time for me to talk to him and fix this.
- You can't fix this.
- Why not? When I went here, we did Andrew Lloyd Webber.
That play was huge for me.
What happened? Ms.
Cinoman paid for it out of pocket.
The smoke machines? The catering? That helicopter we had in Miss Saigon? Yep, so your only choice is to do something old-timey and free or a musical without the singing.
You literally need music for a musical.
Have you seen the smash stage show STOMP? They use mops and buckets and garbage-can lids as drums.
They slap their faces.
It's magical.
You want my kids to play garbage and whack their faces? That's your answer? Look, our money goes to the more important departments.
- Like what? - (HORN HONKS) Lovin' the new wheels, Glascott! It really helps to show off the grounds to potential recruits like Roxborough Ronnie here.
What the hell? Coach Mellor gets an absurd helmet-mobile and recruits, and I gotta get my kids to slap their faces to the beat? You do know that sports is the only way we raise money for this school, right? What about all our alumni in the arts? - I bet they donate plenty.
- No.
Our artsy-fartsy graduates are too busy making hemp ponchos in their parents' basements to donate anything other than their blood for burrito money.
It's sad but true.
How are the parents at this school okay with any of this? They all know if they have a kid that excels in the arts to go to Germantown Friends.
Pbht.
More like Germantown Farts.
(LAUGHS) Boom! That's the kind of sharp wit we need at this school, Ronnie! Godspeed, boys! One of these days You're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go Do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" LAINEY: It was February 13th, 1990-something, day one of the most awkward class every kid was forced to take.
Hello, and welcome to the state-mandated boys' Health class.
Today's lesson, JAR.
"J" stands for jock.
Wear it to keep your nuggets safe.
What about, you know, girls and stuff? Is "JAR" spelled with a "G"? No! "A" is for Aerosol.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Hey, John, are you busy? Please, my door is always open.
Except when I take my 11:00 break to eat my Kraft Singles.
That's my time.
Uh, so, listen, I don't want to step on any toes, uh, but I really think the boys' Health class needs to be longer than ten seconds and not include the word "nuggets.
" Look at you tattling on old man Mattis.
John, it's the '90s.
I mean, these kids have real fears and concerns, and as teachers, it's our job to provide them with answers.
I'll talk to the guy.
It's not gonna be an easy conversation.
Herb Mattis, report to my office immediately.
No.
I didn't mean do it here with me.
- He'll know who tattled.
- Relax.
If anyone can grow and change with the times, it's good ol' Herb.
I quit.
But it's the middle of the school year.
You can't just leave.
Good luck, narc.
Hey, I'm not a narc.
I'm a tattletale.
Which is cute and harmless.
Well, looks like you just tattled your way into teaching the boys' Health class.
You know what? I'll do it.
Well, I admire your bravery.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's 11:00 on the dot.
LAINEY: As CB took over Health class, my plan to help the theater kids was underway.
Hey, you got a sec? It's super important.
- (GROANS) - Awesome.
So, can you build me a forest in ancient Greece - for less than 10 bucks? - No problem.
It's gotta be blue and yellow, 'cause that's the school colors - and the only paints we have.
- (GROANS) Stupid Mellor sapping all our money.
- It's bullcrap.
- It is what it is.
Around here, football pays the rent.
Wait Rent! Oh, my God.
That's the answer.
We're gonna put on my favorite musical.
- Is it The Wiz? - No.
Rent.
There's a show called Rent? It's hip and young and speaks to teenagers.
One question, how you gonna pay for it? I'll just do the Cinoman and charge it all on my credit cards.
I really insist you don't spend your own money.
But, unlike her, I've picked a musical that's guaranteed to sell out.
I'll make all the money back and more.
Mmm.
That kinda sorta makes sense.
- So you'll put money in, too? - No.
Hey, Coach! We're coming for you.
You're coming to the game, huh? Fantastic! But you better hurry 'cause tickets are selling like protein powder.
I mean, we're taking you on.
This is war.
Oh, I know it's war.
And you have my word, our school is going to destroy Germantown Friends.
No, wait.
The war is between me and you.
I was determined to beat sports, and CB was gonna use his cool style to enlighten young, curious minds.
What up, my homies? It's time to kick it and chat about our changing bods.
This Health class is about to get a makeover, dogs.
Totally informal rap session.
Just us boys dropping knowledge on the b and b's.
Yes, we have our first question.
Hit me.
I'm very interested in getting jiggy with it, but how does one exactly get jiggy? Wow.
That's quite the question.
Maybe we can build up to that.
All right, anyone else? I would love some afternoon delight, but, like, any time of the day.
That's more of an alarming statement than a question.
What's it mean when a baby's got back? Okay, lotta stuff flying at me here.
I would like a lady to pour some sugar on me.
How do I make that happen? You guys listen to a lot of pop music.
Is there anyone who has a question that isn't related to a filthy, inappropriate song? Lay it on me, pal.
So, when I'm with a girl, is it possible, you know, to go (Bleep) to my (Bleep) real fast (Bleep) I'm (Bleep) like (Bleep) not (Bleep) but (Bleep) ticklin' (Bleep)? (BELL RINGS) Okay, class dismissed.
Go.
Frolic in the sunshine.
Be the children that you still are.
LAINEY: As CB failed to deliver the goods in Health class, I was having some problems making Rent.
(OFF-KEY) Nine-hundred ninety-five thousand two-hundred One thousand two million thousand One dozen six-hundred eight-thousand minutes These poor kids have no idea how much time is in a year.
They're not good.
You guys are so good! - Take five.
- I tried to explain.
The football team wins because they have money, they have facilities, they have scholarships.
- Scholarships? - Yeah.
Can't win without the best players.
How do you think deep thinkers like Roxborough Ronnie end up here? Then that's what we'll do.
They have ringers? So will we.
The board's position is pretty clear.
We don't do any arts-related scholarships.
I get it, football brings in money.
But you guys aren't tapping into a market bigger than football.
Bigger than football? Let's see.
- Well, I know it's not soccer.
- Hollywood.
Right now, there's only one alumni from William Penn who made it out there.
Class of '71, former drama club president and character actor Robert Picardo who plays a hologram on Star Trek: Voyager.
I love him! Look, with enough Robert Picardos, this school could be put on the map as a training ground for amazing actors, musicians, singers, who go on to make millions.
You just got permission to give an arts scholarship, lady.
Let me talk to Mellor, and you are good to go.
(QUIETLY) Yes.
I hope you're happy, Lainey Lewis.
Thanks to you, our team won't get that third-string nose tackle I was gonna poach from Episcopal.
Third string? He's not even gonna start? You know what this means, right? This is war.
- Yeah, I said that already.
- Really? I don't remember that.
I literally said to your face, "This is war.
" Eh, I thought you were just making a sad joke with no punch line.
Here's the punch line.
You just lost your backup's backup nose tackle, and I got a five-star recruit to bring down the house.
Mmm, well, we shall see.
We shall see! Not an exit.
It's just painted on the wall.
War! LAINEY: CB had failed teaching the boys about their bodies, so he decided to think outside the box With a box.
Before you is an anonymous question box.
Drop in any Health class related queries that you have right now and I will answer them all.
Seriously? Any questions? I've realized that as long as I don't put a face to the horror show, I can handle anything you guys throw at me.
So let's give it a shot.
Wow, that filled up fast.
Okay, first anonymous question.
How long does it take to sh Nope! Next! And Doo, doo-doo doo-doo.
No.
Next again.
Nope! (CHUCKLES) No! Mmm-mmm.
I cannot unsee this.
Why? (GAGS) I can't do it.
Ugh.
I can't do this.
There's something wrong with those kids.
- There's really not.
- Just look in the box.
Charlie, you were right.
It's our job as teachers to provide the best information for all of our students to make sure that they're safe and responsible Sweet Lord! You have to answer this? I'm not gonna.
Can a person even do that? - You tell me.
- I don't think they can.
Well, maybe with help? Why would they even ask that? I told them they could ask me anything.
You need to burn this box, and I need to go back to church.
No, what we need is Mr.
Mattis back.
Just get advice from Liz Flemming.
She teaches the girls' Health class, and she does a fantastic job.
Health class will now be taught by Ms.
Flemming.
Thank you for your time, and best of luck.
- You're living in America - LAINEY: CB had admitted defeat, but in the war between arts and athletics, I was about to declare victory thanks to my new recruit.
You're living in America Leave your conscience at the tone - (DOOR OPENS) - All right, boys, bring it on in.
Let's station up and pair off.
Whoa, whoa.
What the hell, dude? We're in the middle of practice.
So are we.
This is our new weight room.
- Good luck.
- No, it isn't.
What can I say? You inspired me to go to Ball and remind him we'd never win the big homecoming game unless we had a proper weight training space.
You can't just take my stage.
And I'm not.
But I do get the rest of the gymnatorium.
So it looks like we'll be building mass and girth right next to you.
Well, you think a few weights are gonna stop us? (SCOFFS) The show must go on.
From the top, Ian! All right, let's bang it out, men.
- I want your heels on the ground.
- Don't breathe too deep Arch that back.
(BOYS GRUNTING, GROANING, WEIGHTS CLANGING) - That's it.
Snatch it up.
There you go.
- Don't think all day - This is where we do the work, baby! - Don't think all day Focus, Ian! Just ignore the weird grunts and horrible groans.
- You got this.
- I want your quads screaming for mercy, and there will be no mercy.
I want a bunch of dogs! That's it! Up, up, up! There you go, baby! Two more! Ah! Can you please tell them to quiet down? COACH MELLOR: No can do.
That guttural grunting is honey in my ears.
Just play the game TOGETHER: And when you're living in America At the end of the millennium - Whoa.
- Holy crap.
You're what you own The filmmaker cannot see Ronnie, don't even think about it.
And the songwriter cannot hear All you, Ronnie.
Yet I see Mimi everywhere - Dear God, he's good.
- Angel's voice is in my ear Bring it home, Ronnie! Tighten those shoulders - You're here to play football, Ronnie! - You don't have to be! Just clench your jaw till you frown - Just don't let go or you may drown - You can't sing in a play, man! I quit! - Ha! - And when you're living in America (HARMONIZING) At the end of the millennium - (CHUCKLES) - You're what you own Whoo! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to theater, Ronnie.
You want war? You got it.
All right, ladies, let's dive into moon cycles.
Great mother of Madeleine Albright.
What is the meaning of this? CB said we have to learn body business from you.
Okay, the boys and girls do separate Health classes.
Okay, but why? 'Cause we talk about the female form and other sensitive subjects that require privacy and trust.
A safe atmosphere like that sounds refreshing.
Hmm.
Also, do you cover how to unhook a bra in a hot tub? Get out! So your solution was to dump it in Ms.
Flemming's lap? In my defense, her lack of fear or any real human emotions really makes her an excellent Health teacher.
You can compliment me all you want.
I'm still not taking over your class.
Nor should you have to.
Look, we're teachers.
That means that we dig down deep because educators can conquer anything.
Then it's settled.
You're a good man, John.
Wait, what? No, I didn't mean I'll do it.
Too late, already been settled.
Thank you.
Bye bye now! Thank you again for coming in to talk to the drama kids, Hollywood's Robert Picardo.
My pleasure.
And you can just call me Robert.
I live in Encino.
Wait, like Encino Man with Pauly Shore? - Mmm-hmm.
- Do you know him? Oh, because all actors know each other? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I know him.
Well, I am just so happy you came back as an alumni.
Really helps my case that the Arts program at this school is worth it.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) - Where's our set? - Didn't you hear? We took it down for the pep rally.
- What? - I talked to Earl Ball again, made him realize we'd get a better turnout for the big game if we held a pep rally in here on Friday.
Friday? That's when our play opens.
Don't worry, your production's been moved to The Pit.
The Pit? That's where the elementary school kids eat their snack.
Well, you should've thought of that before you stole my quarterback and turned him into Mandy Patinkin.
But this musical has to be a hit.
I got Robert Picardo here to sign autographs.
I am merely a vessel.
I also reminded Earl of the very generous pro athletes that will be attending the game like Mark Gubicza and Dave Singletary.
Wait, those jackass bullies are gonna be here? I gotta go.
Robert, no! You're famous! They'll pretend to like you now! I just lost my play to a pep rally.
Hey, it's nothing personal.
- No need to cry at all.
- Yeah, there is, dude.
I spent my own money on that play.
Why would you do that? There was no budget.
I didn't have a choice.
Your choice was not to pay for it yourself.
It's just a play.
It's not just a play! Look, back in high school, I was lost.
I didn't care about anything.
But then a whole new world opened up for me when I did a musical.
I didn't know that.
Do you have any idea what it means to a kid to find something they're passionate about? Of course.
That's what I want my athletes to find in sports.
Well, I wanted my theater kids to find that, too.
But it's not gonna happen 'cause you won the war.
I hope it feels good.
LAINEY: Mr.
Glascott was going to attempt to reach the young men in Health class with a new approach, misdirection and diversion.
All right, boys, who's ready to learn? I sure am.
Wait, are we having a third teacher in two days? For sure.
Now let's delve into your anonymous questions about the human body.
Here's one.
"What is a hug?" Aww, that's a good question.
That's what two friends do platonically.
Oh, here's another good one.
"Should I ask my parents any real questions "I have about my changing body?" (CHUCKLES) Yes.
Yes, you should.
Um, I don't think these are our questions.
Oh, sure they are.
Like this one.
"I think girls are nice.
" (CHUCKLES) Hey, me, too.
Screw this.
I'll just learn about this stuff from the older kids on the bus.
Oh, God, no, the school bus? That yellow tin can is filled with tall tales and misinformation.
Clearly, it's up to me to give you the answers that you need.
Or I could use this.
You mean a computer's gonna tell us stuff? Oh, yeah.
The school just paid money to connect us to this new thing called the World Wide Spiderweb.
Pretty sure that's not what it's called.
You can type in your questions - (KEYS CLACK) - and let the robots inside answer it.
Wait, the computer will answer anything we ask it? Ask and show.
(CHUCKLES) Crushed it! (WHISTLING) - Hey.
- Oh, no.
You quit the class already? Quite the opposite.
I solved the class.
I'm letting all those boys get answers from something called "surfing" the Internet.
The Internet? That's the thing they had on Dateline.
Your panicked tone is suggesting I made a grave error.
Do you have any idea what's on the Internet? Colorful graphs and weather updates? And also everything else.
Those kids can see everything.
I thought the Internet was supposed to help the future! That'll just ruin it! We gotta stop those kids.
(SLOW-MO) Go, go, go! Nooo! Stoop! Die! Wait, what are you doing? Just unplug it.
Oh.
Well, we did it.
- Yeah.
- We saved the children.
You really didn't.
We typed in "getting jiggy" and all we saw was the top of Will Smith's head.
That's what you looked up? We told you.
We don't know what we're doing.
CB: Neither do we.
You don't know how hard puberty is for an adult man to teach children.
It's true.
Nobody taught me this stuff.
I just learned everything on the playground.
Well, get it together.
We need real help, man.
Our bodies are all weird and pimply.
I got kicked out of my boys choir! I had no warning this would happen to my voice.
You think that's bad? When I was in school, I had incredibly hairy feet and arms.
They called me Teddy the Yeti.
- My name is John.
- (LAUGHTER) I guess we forgot what it's like to be in your shoes.
We're sorry we let you down.
So What now? So now we teach you.
Together.
Hey, everyone's headed to the gym.
Think you ought to take a look-see.
No way.
To them it's a pep rally, but to me it's the end of everything I care about.
Hard pass.
Sure, I understand how you feel.
Just the same, you ought to take a look.
I really think you're gonna like it.
(CHUCKLES) My stage, it's back.
Attention Fighting Quakers, I know you're all here for a pep rally, but there's more to this school than just sports.
Turns out, we got a damn good drama club.
These kids busted their butts like it was the playoffs, and they deserve our support Five-hundred twenty-five thousand six-hundred minutes Five-hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear Five-hundred twenty-five thousand six-hundred minutes How do you measure Measure a year? In daylights? In sunsets? In midnights? In cups of coffee? In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife? Rick, wait.
What you just did was incredible.
Yeah, maybe.
No need to make a big thing of this.
No, there really is.
I mean, you won the war, so why help me? Because there is no war.
We're on the same side and that's inspiring these kids to be great.
It doesn't matter if it's on a field or on a stage.
Plus, you put up your own money.
I know.
I won't do it again.
Well, you won't have to.
I talked to Ball.
We're gonna sell that helmet cart, cut back on the budget a little.
Next time, you can put on any play you want.
Thank you.
Okay.
The bridges he burned Or the way that she died - It's time now to sing out - LAINEY: Teachers have tough jobs.
For low pay and almost no recognition.
And sometimes it can feel like the most impossible job in the world.
It involves challenges that can seem overwhelming and sometimes responsibilities too heavy to bear.
Remember the love LAINEY: That's the great thing about teachers.
When we fall, we have others right there to pick us up.
Measure, measure your life in love LAINEY: Teachers are a team, and when we work together, no one can defeat us.
I'm Tim Meadows.
I play John Glascott.
- We're here with the real John.
- Hi.
What are the challenges of teaching kids about puberty? I used movies that That I thought would be helpful.
The Ladies Man? That movie? Did you ever use that? - (LAUGHS) - It's a good movie to teach teens - about the birds and the bees.
- Yeah, okay.
What was your least favorite part of the job? My least favorite part was actually dealing with the parents.
- Ye (LAUGHS) - The parents w-were tough.
Is it weird being here? Is this like the school? It looks a little bit like it.
Have you seen your office? - I have not.
- Oh, it's very small.
You're gonna be disappointed.
- My office was very small.
Oh, yes! - Was it? Oh.
How do you feel about being portrayed on television? To have you playing my character, I-I think is great.
I was surprised to see we both have the same actual hair.
I can't grow any Anything else, so - Me, either.
- (BOTH LAUGH)