Second Jen (2016) s01e05 Episode Script
Pap Fiction
1 Hey, do you want eggs? Or egg.
We only have one and it's surprisingly small.
I'll just steal some from the boys.
It'll help me get my 10,000 steps.
Yesterday I only got six.
- Six thousand's not bad.
- No, just six.
- I fear for you.
- [knocking.]
(LEWIS) Hey, Nate's making French toast.
You guys, uh, got any eggs? Like in your fridge, - not in your bodies.
That's weird.
- [cell phone vibrates.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
- - (JEN) Uh, maybe they'll - have some at the corner store.
[Mo sighs.]
Their eggs are like 12 bucks, and they're super dusty.
If you buy the day-old bread, I'll make Ms.
and Ms.
Pacman French toast.
You know non-hetero-normative breakfast is my weakness.
I don't know what that is, but it sounds delicious.
I'm in.
- [cell phone chimes.]
- - - [sighing.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
- - [Lewis sniffs.]
- - [cell phone chimes.]
- [sipping coffee.]
Who are you sexting with? What?! Nobody.
Gross.
Garth? Is it Garth? It's Garth, isn't it? Yes, but it's not sexting, it's affectionate texting and you have to promise not to tell Mo.
[sighs.]
In the immortal words of All-4-One, "I swear".
I thought "I Swear" was Boyz II Men.
Honest mistake as opposed to the dishonest mistake of lying to your roommate about sleeping with her boss.
I am not sleeping with her boss yet.
Garth and I have only been on two dates.
When Mo tried to set us up, it got all weird, so, until it is something more than innocent flirting, I'm keeping her out of it.
I don't wanna mess things up until I mess around with Garth.
Jennifer Wu, this does not sound like you.
I know.
Do you think I should tell Mo about the texting? Or tell Garth I can't sleep with him because he's Mo's boss? I don't know what decisions here are hormonal or practical.
See, now, this this this this sounds like the Jennifer Wu I know.
Look, Jen, nobody knows as much about what's good for you as you do.
That's deep.
- Mariah Carey.
- Really? Yeah, Nick Cannon, what an idiot, huh, letting somebody so smart and talented go.
Hey, don't be Nick Cannon.
Don't make the same mistake he did.
Lewis, I don't think that actually applies here.
[sighing.]
Well, you're welcome.
I'll see ya.
[sniffs.]
- [cell phone beeps, chimes.]
- - [cell phone chimes.]
- - [cell phone chimes.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
[inhales deeply.]
Okay [clears throat.]
Sample cream, sample soap.
Hm, cotton candy condoms.
Perfume.
[coughing, sputtering.]
Ooh! I think that's just alcohol now.
[coughs, gags and inhales.]
Oh, yeah! And one pack of sexy, get it on expired pills.
[theme music.]
Nate! You're doing this.
Lewis, I promised myself I'd never shave your back again.
[sighing.]
You're telling Jen you like her.
Actually, there's no time.
Just text her.
Ah, you'll probably screw that up, too.
Let me text her.
The less you say, the better.
Look, I'm not gonna tell Jen that I like her, okay? It's just - It's not the right time.
- [whispered.]
Not the right time.
Nate, is this like the time that you wanted to ask - Becca Fishel out in second year? - Oh But you never did because the time was never right.
You know what Becca Fishel's up to now? She's married, she's got two kids, she's got three dogs, and she's got a cottage - next to Goldie Hawn.
- [Nate sighs.]
Nate, trust me, the time has never been better.
Okay, but why does it have to be today? Damn you, All-4-One.
[inhales.]
- [car horn beeps.]
- Because today's Car Day.
The one day a month that we rent a car to run errands, that's Car Day? Yeah.
[stammers.]
It's more like Car Day is is the day that you you literally take the keys to to create your own destiny, you know? That's actually not a bad metaphor.
You know, I could pick up some artisan bread and some aged cheese and I could drive Jen to that park that overlooks the cityscape.
Could be romantic.
Yeah.
Sure.
Whatever.
[knock on door.]
Hey, I need to go to the health clinic.
Can I grab a ride? That's an odd choice for Car Day.
But, uh, yeah, sure.
Hey, Nate, just remembered it's Car Day.
Where are we goin'? [sighs.]
[clicks.]
Odd choice for Car Day.
Jen, stop sweating.
Your dress is starting to look like a Rorschach.
I hate these things.
Do you remember my first pelvic exam, when my mom brought me to see her gyno, Dr.
Chin? - Drugs? - No.
- Smoke? - No.
- Grade point average.
- 3.
9.
You planning for the sex? Ma, I think the family part thing is over now, - so, you can probably go.
- I don't mind.
I do puzzle while you get the cave inspection.
- [device clicks.]
Exam time.
- [whimpers.]
[both shuddering.]
My first G-jam, my gyno was a hotter Wilmer Valderrama, I had to hold in gas the whole time.
(NURSE) Next! [sighs.]
Okay Hi! I'm interested in getting some birth control.
See, I got a little guy sitch and I don't wanna rely on just condoms.
Actually, it's my friend's boss, so it's super awk, so if we could keep it on the down low.
OMG, I totally don't care.
I need you to fill out a patient information form, then you'll have to do a complete physical exam before the doctor can prescribe.
So, what's the Gyno 911? No emergency, no.
Just a routine exam.
You know what? I haven't had the old chassis looked at in a while.
You think you can "squeeze" me in? - Get it? - Yes.
Yes, I do.
Guys, we're totally booked, uh, but if you don't mind sharing a room with your friend.
- What? - Perfect! You know, there are two things best friends should never do together one, start an acoustic folk duo, and, two, a pap.
Jen, we see each other's naked soul stuffs all the time.
Why not see each other's naked vagina stuffs, too? Please do not refer to the female reproductive system as "stuffs.
" - [cell phone vibrates.]
- Oh.
- [cell phone chimes.]
- Who's that? No one.
Just my mom.
- [cell phone chimes.]
- Is no place sacred? [sighs.]
Okay, look, I've actually been texting with [door opens.]
Jen and Mo? No, it's Tegan and Sara, but it's a common misconception.
It's me, Karen [laughing.]
like from our friendship.
Mo, can you do me a favour and hit me with that plastic vulva 'til I'm dead? How weird is it that we keep on meeting, after years of not seeing each other.
Literal actual years.
Yep, that's how time works.
Mo, are you still working at the toy store? Actually, it's a game store, and I am the assistant manager.
- [cell phone chimes.]
- You were always so into your toys.
- Still a game store.
- [cell phone chimes.]
So, Karen, what happened to Doctors Without Borders? Yeah, shouldn't you be helping people, instead of serving our happy meals? My fiancé missed me way too much.
Did I tell you? I am engaged! - (JEN AND MO) Yes.
- [Karen chuckles.]
Well l-let's dive in, ladies.
Jen, we'll start with you.
Mo, you can wait outside.
No, no, we have no secrets.
- [cell phone chimes.]
- How many sexual partners have you had? Oh, [chuckles.]
you know, the normal amount.
- Three.
- Four.
You always forget that Irish flight attendant.
Well, that's on Seamus for being forgettable.
And then there was Javi, that super hot guy from 3rd year psych, and then there was Arnold, the dude with the goitre.
And are you currently sexually active? Follow up question how active? Follow up, follow up question what kind of active? Uh, can you define "currently" in month-long measurements? Oh, months? So things didn't click with that Garth guy I saw you with? - Oh - Noted.
Actually, I prefer you not note that one.
Mo, when was your last menstrual cycle? Last Tuesday through Thursday.
- Any irregular bleeding? - Only from my soul.
And how many sexual partners? Um Zero! Like, today? - (KAREN) Like, never? - Uh You're a virgin? Ugh, that's my squirm word, right between "moist" and "millennial.
" What about Kevin from band class? He used to pee in the laundry sink 'cause he was too lazy to walk up the stairs to the bathroom.
[grunts.]
The guy from the varsity football team.
- What's his name? - Ryan.
Perma-fried.
Only thing he wanted to do in bed was eat microwave chimichangas.
Peter.
You must have slept with Peter.
Lovely guy.
Gay as the ocean is scary.
How can you be a virgin and I not know that? - You never asked.
- What else are you not telling me? Do you really believe Elijah Wood is the perfect male form? - Yes.
- Were my grade 12 bangs, as you so eloquently put it, "elegant, yet bangable"? You looked like a Halloween Cleopatra costume.
[gasps.]
[scoffs.]
Twenty five dollars for parking.
Twenty five.
It's ridiculous.
Hey, listen, we're here for Jen, all right? It's money well spent.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
But it was her idea to come to the clinic in the first place.
She should at least offer to pay for half.
- Shhhh! - [sighs.]
Hey, w-w-w-w-where are you going? Well, I'm not needed here, I'm gonna go move the car.
Maybe I can get a refund.
Shhhh! [sighs.]
Nate, forget about the car, okay? You need to be here.
Look, I don't like how close that van is parked next to me.
I'm just gonna move it.
I'll feel way more comfortable.
Oh, I'm sorry, are you feeling uncomfortable right now? 'Cause maybe you should have thought of that before you went bareback in the heat of the moment.
You know what else feels uncomfortable? A human being ripping its way out of your body.
So, you two sit down, because, spoiler alert, you're not leaving her! Uh [chuckles.]
sorry uh, nurse, um, I think there's been a misunderstanding.
My friend hasn't gone bareback, no.
He, uh, he he hasn't even been in the stable.
[laughs.]
- Lewis - Sorry.
Oh, there has been a misunderstanding.
[laughing insincerely.]
I said, shhhhh! Mo, you keeping your virginity from me is a huge deal.
What are you, a high school football player? I didn't keep it from you.
You never asked.
Okay, I can't pee while you're listening.
Can you please hum something? Hmmmmmmmm, this is me humming Because you can't pee in public Hmmmmmm Okay, good, good, good.
That's working.
[clears throat.]
Look, just because you tell me everything, doesn't mean I can't keep some stuff private.
- Hmmmmmmmm - I have private things.
Yeah, I just saw them in the exam room, remember? - Hmmmmmmmm - Not what I meant.
Your Nancy Drew paper dolls don't count.
Oh, yeah? Well, I've been flirt-texting with Garth all day.
Yeah, because I'm planning to sleep with him, and that is why I'm here getting birth control.
- [Jen peeing.]
- What? [Jen continues peeing.]
Lewis, I really don't think this is the right place for me to tell Jen that I like her.
Buddy, when life gives you lemons, you crush 'em up, you add some vodka and a pinch of cayenne and you end up with "Lewisade.
" - Lewis, your cocktails are rancid.
- Don't lie to me like that.
(LEWIS) Listen, what I'm saying is, uh, why don't you just, for once in your life, go after what it is that you want? I mean, let's live in the moment.
You're right.
Not backing down.
'Kay, what is wrong with you?! Where do you want me to start? They're in an exam.
Are you honestly gonna make me get out of my chair? What? Standing up is so-o-o hard.
I am so sorry.
Don't be.
I am over the moon about it.
You're glowing.
(MO) I figured if date number two went well, you'd say something.
Why didn't you tell me you were going to sleep with Garth? - [scoffs.]
You never asked.
- I'm not trying to box block you.
I just didn't think my set-up worked.
[sighs.]
Mo, Jen has needs.
It has been months.
And just because you are a virgin (MO & JEN) Shut up, Karen.
Look, your set-up didn't work because you forced us together.
I am making decisions for myself this time, because no one knows as much about what's right for me as much as I do.
Do not throw Mariah Carey lyrics at me, okay? You just wanna get laid.
Oh, I need to get laid? That's like the pot calling the kettle chaste.
I'm just waiting for the right guy.
Not the right guy, just, you know, someone I know and trust and someone I can talk do, and someone I have a lot in common with Like Garth.
Ew, do not use his name in that context.
I've known that guy since like the first "Harry Potter" movie.
That's why you set me up with Garth? Because you wanna sleep with him vicariously? Sleep with him yourself.
Oh, whoa there, little pony.
You are way off base, and even more off base to be bringing this up in front of Karen [winces.]
who is second-basing the hell out of my left boob right now.
You know what? Whatever.
It's nothing.
It's not nothing.
Uh, I think I feel something.
It's probably nothing.
Ma, I need you.
We're at the Women's Health Clinic.
Aiya, I told Daddy, Jenny look very pregnant like snake that swallowed pumpkin.
I'm not pregnant! I just don't fit the cookie-cutter norm of waifish perfection perpetuated by the male-dominated media.
Ma? Ma?! Hello? Hello? [birds twittering outside.]
So, you're gonna be a dad.
- I'm not having a baby.
- What? No, lady, we're only here because my friend is trying to ask out this girl that he's crushing on hard.
Okay, you guys realize that people here have real problems, right? Soul-crushing, life-altering, bank-account-draining kind of problems.
You know what? This intrusive medical professional's right.
Lew, why are you trying to push this so hard? [heavy sigh.]
Damn you, All-4-One.
Nate has to know.
Because, man Jen is gonna bang Garth like tonight! And you want me to join them? Ooh, that's a very different pamphlet.
"Threesome.
" Like you could handle that.
[scoffs.]
Okay, Lew, if she wants to sleep with another guy, that must mean that she's not that interested in me.
Well, not necessarily.
I mean, I like a guy and it's not the father.
Plus, you're here now, which is more than I can say for this Garth guy.
You and this girl must be really close.
Well, she does live downstairs.
Exactly.
It's like fate.
Okay, that's not fate, that's geography.
Get out of my waiting room.
Go! - (LEWIS) Hey, Mrs.
Wu.
- (MA) Sit! Okay, ma'am, you can't go back Screw it.
[laughs.]
I could have been a professional rugby player.
[sniffing deeply and exhaling.]
- Jenny! Mommy's here for you.
- Uh, sorry, Miss, you Mrs.
Wu? OMG! You look amazing.
It's been years.
Time really does baffle you, don't it? Karen! You doctor?! And I'm engaged! Ma! Ma?! Ma! I didn't call you here for me.
It's Mo they [sobbing.]
I can't even say it.
It's very early.
We're going to look into some things.
- They found a lump.
- [sobbing.]
Mo's gonna die a virgin.
Mo is still a virgin? I told you that Peter guy was gay.
I describe the sex for Mo-Mo.
- Oh - So, it feels like electricity, but you don't fall down, though, if you hold your breath, it can be more pleasurable.
- I'm not dying.
- Shhh, you're in denial.
I get Dr.
Chin to give you special Chinese pearl barley.
Ma, you can't give Mo your menopause herbs.
Look, you're young and you're healthy.
It's probably nothing.
We're going to run some tests.
In the meantime, it would just be good to look into your family history.
Why can't you be doctor like Karen? I know, right? Jen, here is your prescription.
- You take birth control? - Uh Pill is good.
Help you gain weight.
You so skinny.
I'll bring car around.
Let's have lunch.
You need to plump up and Mo-Mo needs to enjoy every day as if it's her last.
Uh [sighs.]
All right, what time is it in the Philippines? In some ways, way ahead, and in others, it's as if time doesn't exist.
Mo, you need to call your family.
I'll call them later tonight when you're out banging my boss.
No, I'm not going out with Garth.
It's just not the right time.
Hey, if Sampson has taught me anything, it's that you need to go after everything you want.
- Who's Sampson? - It's my lump.
I named him.
- You named your lump? - Mm-hm.
- Too soon.
- [sobbing.]
Mm-hm.
[sniffing.]
It'll be okay.
Hey, Mo Bunny told you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[inhaling.]
It's okay.
She's strong.
The strongest person I know.
- You're hurting me.
- Oh, sorry.
Guys, I have terrible news.
There is a small scratch on the car.
[sobbing.]
Why do bad things happen to good people? [sobbing.]
Jen, I-I-I I'm sure we can buff it out.
Nate, your timing sucks.
- [sobbing.]
- It's okay.
- [blubbering.]
But he has a condom - I know.
[knock at door.]
What's goin' on, cellar dweller? Just came to, uh, check on Mo and see how she's doing.
Oh, she's talking to her mom and I needed to cancel some plans I had for tonight.
Oh, Really? I mean, uh, oh, you had plans? That's [clicks.]
That's funny, 'cause, uh, you know, Nate, you still have the car until tomorrow morning.
I mean, if you needed a a drive somewhere or something.
Well, I've actually got a really good spot outside, so, I'd rather not move it.
Oh, that's too bad.
Could've gone for a drive.
- I Becca Fishel'd that, didn't I? - Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
(MO's MOM ON COMPUTER) Is everything okay? Did you get fired? [speaks Tagalog.]
Everything's fine.
Actually [sighing.]
I went to the doctor and she found a lump in my breast.
So, I gotta ask does the family have a history of the Big C in the Bs? Okay, Russell Peters, stand-up comedian - - [someone shouting from other room.]
- I didn't see anything.
- I can actually see the resemblance.
- Ugh! - [slams laptop lid.]
[Mo sighs.]
[sighing.]
Thank you very much for coming in today, Mo.
I just really felt like I had to - share this news with you in person.
- Okay.
And I really hope getting the day off at the toy store wasn't a big deal.
Once again, still a game store.
What's the news? But before I tell you, I have to let you know that the news is not as dire as it sounds, so, please, do not freak out.
Dire? As your physician, and your best friend [sighs.]
I know that you can handle it.
I wouldn't really call us besties or friends.
It's okay if you feel like you want to cry.
Right now, I feel like punching.
What is the news? Okay, here goes.
[inhales deeply.]
My wedding this summer is cancelled.
[whimpers.]
- What? - I know.
I know.
It sounds awful.
But, on the bright side, my fiancé and I will be eloping together to Fiji instead.
- Karen - [sighs.]
It's only going to be a small affair, only whoever can fit into his private jet - Karen - Let me finish! [squeakily.]
God, this is so hard.
[sobbing.]
You and Jen are not invited.
I know.
Take as long as you need to process this terrible, terrible news.
Karen? - [squeaks.]
Yeah? - What about my breast lump? Oh, you're totally fine.
I was right.
You're perfectly healthy.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, that's so great.
You know, I told Jen to stay at home because I didn't want her to bawl in case the news was bad.
I just heard everything.
You're okay! [sobbing.]
[squeaks.]
[sobbing.]
Jen, I have some terrible, terrible news.
She doesn't.
[sobbing.]
[panting.]
We only have one and it's surprisingly small.
I'll just steal some from the boys.
It'll help me get my 10,000 steps.
Yesterday I only got six.
- Six thousand's not bad.
- No, just six.
- I fear for you.
- [knocking.]
(LEWIS) Hey, Nate's making French toast.
You guys, uh, got any eggs? Like in your fridge, - not in your bodies.
That's weird.
- [cell phone vibrates.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
- - (JEN) Uh, maybe they'll - have some at the corner store.
[Mo sighs.]
Their eggs are like 12 bucks, and they're super dusty.
If you buy the day-old bread, I'll make Ms.
and Ms.
Pacman French toast.
You know non-hetero-normative breakfast is my weakness.
I don't know what that is, but it sounds delicious.
I'm in.
- [cell phone chimes.]
- - - [sighing.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
- - [Lewis sniffs.]
- - [cell phone chimes.]
- [sipping coffee.]
Who are you sexting with? What?! Nobody.
Gross.
Garth? Is it Garth? It's Garth, isn't it? Yes, but it's not sexting, it's affectionate texting and you have to promise not to tell Mo.
[sighs.]
In the immortal words of All-4-One, "I swear".
I thought "I Swear" was Boyz II Men.
Honest mistake as opposed to the dishonest mistake of lying to your roommate about sleeping with her boss.
I am not sleeping with her boss yet.
Garth and I have only been on two dates.
When Mo tried to set us up, it got all weird, so, until it is something more than innocent flirting, I'm keeping her out of it.
I don't wanna mess things up until I mess around with Garth.
Jennifer Wu, this does not sound like you.
I know.
Do you think I should tell Mo about the texting? Or tell Garth I can't sleep with him because he's Mo's boss? I don't know what decisions here are hormonal or practical.
See, now, this this this this sounds like the Jennifer Wu I know.
Look, Jen, nobody knows as much about what's good for you as you do.
That's deep.
- Mariah Carey.
- Really? Yeah, Nick Cannon, what an idiot, huh, letting somebody so smart and talented go.
Hey, don't be Nick Cannon.
Don't make the same mistake he did.
Lewis, I don't think that actually applies here.
[sighing.]
Well, you're welcome.
I'll see ya.
[sniffs.]
- [cell phone beeps, chimes.]
- - [cell phone chimes.]
- - [cell phone chimes.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
[inhales deeply.]
Okay [clears throat.]
Sample cream, sample soap.
Hm, cotton candy condoms.
Perfume.
[coughing, sputtering.]
Ooh! I think that's just alcohol now.
[coughs, gags and inhales.]
Oh, yeah! And one pack of sexy, get it on expired pills.
[theme music.]
Nate! You're doing this.
Lewis, I promised myself I'd never shave your back again.
[sighing.]
You're telling Jen you like her.
Actually, there's no time.
Just text her.
Ah, you'll probably screw that up, too.
Let me text her.
The less you say, the better.
Look, I'm not gonna tell Jen that I like her, okay? It's just - It's not the right time.
- [whispered.]
Not the right time.
Nate, is this like the time that you wanted to ask - Becca Fishel out in second year? - Oh But you never did because the time was never right.
You know what Becca Fishel's up to now? She's married, she's got two kids, she's got three dogs, and she's got a cottage - next to Goldie Hawn.
- [Nate sighs.]
Nate, trust me, the time has never been better.
Okay, but why does it have to be today? Damn you, All-4-One.
[inhales.]
- [car horn beeps.]
- Because today's Car Day.
The one day a month that we rent a car to run errands, that's Car Day? Yeah.
[stammers.]
It's more like Car Day is is the day that you you literally take the keys to to create your own destiny, you know? That's actually not a bad metaphor.
You know, I could pick up some artisan bread and some aged cheese and I could drive Jen to that park that overlooks the cityscape.
Could be romantic.
Yeah.
Sure.
Whatever.
[knock on door.]
Hey, I need to go to the health clinic.
Can I grab a ride? That's an odd choice for Car Day.
But, uh, yeah, sure.
Hey, Nate, just remembered it's Car Day.
Where are we goin'? [sighs.]
[clicks.]
Odd choice for Car Day.
Jen, stop sweating.
Your dress is starting to look like a Rorschach.
I hate these things.
Do you remember my first pelvic exam, when my mom brought me to see her gyno, Dr.
Chin? - Drugs? - No.
- Smoke? - No.
- Grade point average.
- 3.
9.
You planning for the sex? Ma, I think the family part thing is over now, - so, you can probably go.
- I don't mind.
I do puzzle while you get the cave inspection.
- [device clicks.]
Exam time.
- [whimpers.]
[both shuddering.]
My first G-jam, my gyno was a hotter Wilmer Valderrama, I had to hold in gas the whole time.
(NURSE) Next! [sighs.]
Okay Hi! I'm interested in getting some birth control.
See, I got a little guy sitch and I don't wanna rely on just condoms.
Actually, it's my friend's boss, so it's super awk, so if we could keep it on the down low.
OMG, I totally don't care.
I need you to fill out a patient information form, then you'll have to do a complete physical exam before the doctor can prescribe.
So, what's the Gyno 911? No emergency, no.
Just a routine exam.
You know what? I haven't had the old chassis looked at in a while.
You think you can "squeeze" me in? - Get it? - Yes.
Yes, I do.
Guys, we're totally booked, uh, but if you don't mind sharing a room with your friend.
- What? - Perfect! You know, there are two things best friends should never do together one, start an acoustic folk duo, and, two, a pap.
Jen, we see each other's naked soul stuffs all the time.
Why not see each other's naked vagina stuffs, too? Please do not refer to the female reproductive system as "stuffs.
" - [cell phone vibrates.]
- Oh.
- [cell phone chimes.]
- Who's that? No one.
Just my mom.
- [cell phone chimes.]
- Is no place sacred? [sighs.]
Okay, look, I've actually been texting with [door opens.]
Jen and Mo? No, it's Tegan and Sara, but it's a common misconception.
It's me, Karen [laughing.]
like from our friendship.
Mo, can you do me a favour and hit me with that plastic vulva 'til I'm dead? How weird is it that we keep on meeting, after years of not seeing each other.
Literal actual years.
Yep, that's how time works.
Mo, are you still working at the toy store? Actually, it's a game store, and I am the assistant manager.
- [cell phone chimes.]
- You were always so into your toys.
- Still a game store.
- [cell phone chimes.]
So, Karen, what happened to Doctors Without Borders? Yeah, shouldn't you be helping people, instead of serving our happy meals? My fiancé missed me way too much.
Did I tell you? I am engaged! - (JEN AND MO) Yes.
- [Karen chuckles.]
Well l-let's dive in, ladies.
Jen, we'll start with you.
Mo, you can wait outside.
No, no, we have no secrets.
- [cell phone chimes.]
- How many sexual partners have you had? Oh, [chuckles.]
you know, the normal amount.
- Three.
- Four.
You always forget that Irish flight attendant.
Well, that's on Seamus for being forgettable.
And then there was Javi, that super hot guy from 3rd year psych, and then there was Arnold, the dude with the goitre.
And are you currently sexually active? Follow up question how active? Follow up, follow up question what kind of active? Uh, can you define "currently" in month-long measurements? Oh, months? So things didn't click with that Garth guy I saw you with? - Oh - Noted.
Actually, I prefer you not note that one.
Mo, when was your last menstrual cycle? Last Tuesday through Thursday.
- Any irregular bleeding? - Only from my soul.
And how many sexual partners? Um Zero! Like, today? - (KAREN) Like, never? - Uh You're a virgin? Ugh, that's my squirm word, right between "moist" and "millennial.
" What about Kevin from band class? He used to pee in the laundry sink 'cause he was too lazy to walk up the stairs to the bathroom.
[grunts.]
The guy from the varsity football team.
- What's his name? - Ryan.
Perma-fried.
Only thing he wanted to do in bed was eat microwave chimichangas.
Peter.
You must have slept with Peter.
Lovely guy.
Gay as the ocean is scary.
How can you be a virgin and I not know that? - You never asked.
- What else are you not telling me? Do you really believe Elijah Wood is the perfect male form? - Yes.
- Were my grade 12 bangs, as you so eloquently put it, "elegant, yet bangable"? You looked like a Halloween Cleopatra costume.
[gasps.]
[scoffs.]
Twenty five dollars for parking.
Twenty five.
It's ridiculous.
Hey, listen, we're here for Jen, all right? It's money well spent.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
But it was her idea to come to the clinic in the first place.
She should at least offer to pay for half.
- Shhhh! - [sighs.]
Hey, w-w-w-w-where are you going? Well, I'm not needed here, I'm gonna go move the car.
Maybe I can get a refund.
Shhhh! [sighs.]
Nate, forget about the car, okay? You need to be here.
Look, I don't like how close that van is parked next to me.
I'm just gonna move it.
I'll feel way more comfortable.
Oh, I'm sorry, are you feeling uncomfortable right now? 'Cause maybe you should have thought of that before you went bareback in the heat of the moment.
You know what else feels uncomfortable? A human being ripping its way out of your body.
So, you two sit down, because, spoiler alert, you're not leaving her! Uh [chuckles.]
sorry uh, nurse, um, I think there's been a misunderstanding.
My friend hasn't gone bareback, no.
He, uh, he he hasn't even been in the stable.
[laughs.]
- Lewis - Sorry.
Oh, there has been a misunderstanding.
[laughing insincerely.]
I said, shhhhh! Mo, you keeping your virginity from me is a huge deal.
What are you, a high school football player? I didn't keep it from you.
You never asked.
Okay, I can't pee while you're listening.
Can you please hum something? Hmmmmmmmm, this is me humming Because you can't pee in public Hmmmmmm Okay, good, good, good.
That's working.
[clears throat.]
Look, just because you tell me everything, doesn't mean I can't keep some stuff private.
- Hmmmmmmmm - I have private things.
Yeah, I just saw them in the exam room, remember? - Hmmmmmmmm - Not what I meant.
Your Nancy Drew paper dolls don't count.
Oh, yeah? Well, I've been flirt-texting with Garth all day.
Yeah, because I'm planning to sleep with him, and that is why I'm here getting birth control.
- [Jen peeing.]
- What? [Jen continues peeing.]
Lewis, I really don't think this is the right place for me to tell Jen that I like her.
Buddy, when life gives you lemons, you crush 'em up, you add some vodka and a pinch of cayenne and you end up with "Lewisade.
" - Lewis, your cocktails are rancid.
- Don't lie to me like that.
(LEWIS) Listen, what I'm saying is, uh, why don't you just, for once in your life, go after what it is that you want? I mean, let's live in the moment.
You're right.
Not backing down.
'Kay, what is wrong with you?! Where do you want me to start? They're in an exam.
Are you honestly gonna make me get out of my chair? What? Standing up is so-o-o hard.
I am so sorry.
Don't be.
I am over the moon about it.
You're glowing.
(MO) I figured if date number two went well, you'd say something.
Why didn't you tell me you were going to sleep with Garth? - [scoffs.]
You never asked.
- I'm not trying to box block you.
I just didn't think my set-up worked.
[sighs.]
Mo, Jen has needs.
It has been months.
And just because you are a virgin (MO & JEN) Shut up, Karen.
Look, your set-up didn't work because you forced us together.
I am making decisions for myself this time, because no one knows as much about what's right for me as much as I do.
Do not throw Mariah Carey lyrics at me, okay? You just wanna get laid.
Oh, I need to get laid? That's like the pot calling the kettle chaste.
I'm just waiting for the right guy.
Not the right guy, just, you know, someone I know and trust and someone I can talk do, and someone I have a lot in common with Like Garth.
Ew, do not use his name in that context.
I've known that guy since like the first "Harry Potter" movie.
That's why you set me up with Garth? Because you wanna sleep with him vicariously? Sleep with him yourself.
Oh, whoa there, little pony.
You are way off base, and even more off base to be bringing this up in front of Karen [winces.]
who is second-basing the hell out of my left boob right now.
You know what? Whatever.
It's nothing.
It's not nothing.
Uh, I think I feel something.
It's probably nothing.
Ma, I need you.
We're at the Women's Health Clinic.
Aiya, I told Daddy, Jenny look very pregnant like snake that swallowed pumpkin.
I'm not pregnant! I just don't fit the cookie-cutter norm of waifish perfection perpetuated by the male-dominated media.
Ma? Ma?! Hello? Hello? [birds twittering outside.]
So, you're gonna be a dad.
- I'm not having a baby.
- What? No, lady, we're only here because my friend is trying to ask out this girl that he's crushing on hard.
Okay, you guys realize that people here have real problems, right? Soul-crushing, life-altering, bank-account-draining kind of problems.
You know what? This intrusive medical professional's right.
Lew, why are you trying to push this so hard? [heavy sigh.]
Damn you, All-4-One.
Nate has to know.
Because, man Jen is gonna bang Garth like tonight! And you want me to join them? Ooh, that's a very different pamphlet.
"Threesome.
" Like you could handle that.
[scoffs.]
Okay, Lew, if she wants to sleep with another guy, that must mean that she's not that interested in me.
Well, not necessarily.
I mean, I like a guy and it's not the father.
Plus, you're here now, which is more than I can say for this Garth guy.
You and this girl must be really close.
Well, she does live downstairs.
Exactly.
It's like fate.
Okay, that's not fate, that's geography.
Get out of my waiting room.
Go! - (LEWIS) Hey, Mrs.
Wu.
- (MA) Sit! Okay, ma'am, you can't go back Screw it.
[laughs.]
I could have been a professional rugby player.
[sniffing deeply and exhaling.]
- Jenny! Mommy's here for you.
- Uh, sorry, Miss, you Mrs.
Wu? OMG! You look amazing.
It's been years.
Time really does baffle you, don't it? Karen! You doctor?! And I'm engaged! Ma! Ma?! Ma! I didn't call you here for me.
It's Mo they [sobbing.]
I can't even say it.
It's very early.
We're going to look into some things.
- They found a lump.
- [sobbing.]
Mo's gonna die a virgin.
Mo is still a virgin? I told you that Peter guy was gay.
I describe the sex for Mo-Mo.
- Oh - So, it feels like electricity, but you don't fall down, though, if you hold your breath, it can be more pleasurable.
- I'm not dying.
- Shhh, you're in denial.
I get Dr.
Chin to give you special Chinese pearl barley.
Ma, you can't give Mo your menopause herbs.
Look, you're young and you're healthy.
It's probably nothing.
We're going to run some tests.
In the meantime, it would just be good to look into your family history.
Why can't you be doctor like Karen? I know, right? Jen, here is your prescription.
- You take birth control? - Uh Pill is good.
Help you gain weight.
You so skinny.
I'll bring car around.
Let's have lunch.
You need to plump up and Mo-Mo needs to enjoy every day as if it's her last.
Uh [sighs.]
All right, what time is it in the Philippines? In some ways, way ahead, and in others, it's as if time doesn't exist.
Mo, you need to call your family.
I'll call them later tonight when you're out banging my boss.
No, I'm not going out with Garth.
It's just not the right time.
Hey, if Sampson has taught me anything, it's that you need to go after everything you want.
- Who's Sampson? - It's my lump.
I named him.
- You named your lump? - Mm-hm.
- Too soon.
- [sobbing.]
Mm-hm.
[sniffing.]
It'll be okay.
Hey, Mo Bunny told you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[inhaling.]
It's okay.
She's strong.
The strongest person I know.
- You're hurting me.
- Oh, sorry.
Guys, I have terrible news.
There is a small scratch on the car.
[sobbing.]
Why do bad things happen to good people? [sobbing.]
Jen, I-I-I I'm sure we can buff it out.
Nate, your timing sucks.
- [sobbing.]
- It's okay.
- [blubbering.]
But he has a condom - I know.
[knock at door.]
What's goin' on, cellar dweller? Just came to, uh, check on Mo and see how she's doing.
Oh, she's talking to her mom and I needed to cancel some plans I had for tonight.
Oh, Really? I mean, uh, oh, you had plans? That's [clicks.]
That's funny, 'cause, uh, you know, Nate, you still have the car until tomorrow morning.
I mean, if you needed a a drive somewhere or something.
Well, I've actually got a really good spot outside, so, I'd rather not move it.
Oh, that's too bad.
Could've gone for a drive.
- I Becca Fishel'd that, didn't I? - Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
(MO's MOM ON COMPUTER) Is everything okay? Did you get fired? [speaks Tagalog.]
Everything's fine.
Actually [sighing.]
I went to the doctor and she found a lump in my breast.
So, I gotta ask does the family have a history of the Big C in the Bs? Okay, Russell Peters, stand-up comedian - - [someone shouting from other room.]
- I didn't see anything.
- I can actually see the resemblance.
- Ugh! - [slams laptop lid.]
[Mo sighs.]
[sighing.]
Thank you very much for coming in today, Mo.
I just really felt like I had to - share this news with you in person.
- Okay.
And I really hope getting the day off at the toy store wasn't a big deal.
Once again, still a game store.
What's the news? But before I tell you, I have to let you know that the news is not as dire as it sounds, so, please, do not freak out.
Dire? As your physician, and your best friend [sighs.]
I know that you can handle it.
I wouldn't really call us besties or friends.
It's okay if you feel like you want to cry.
Right now, I feel like punching.
What is the news? Okay, here goes.
[inhales deeply.]
My wedding this summer is cancelled.
[whimpers.]
- What? - I know.
I know.
It sounds awful.
But, on the bright side, my fiancé and I will be eloping together to Fiji instead.
- Karen - [sighs.]
It's only going to be a small affair, only whoever can fit into his private jet - Karen - Let me finish! [squeakily.]
God, this is so hard.
[sobbing.]
You and Jen are not invited.
I know.
Take as long as you need to process this terrible, terrible news.
Karen? - [squeaks.]
Yeah? - What about my breast lump? Oh, you're totally fine.
I was right.
You're perfectly healthy.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, that's so great.
You know, I told Jen to stay at home because I didn't want her to bawl in case the news was bad.
I just heard everything.
You're okay! [sobbing.]
[squeaks.]
[sobbing.]
Jen, I have some terrible, terrible news.
She doesn't.
[sobbing.]
[panting.]