Seed (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

Aren't you a little too old for dolls? It's for my 'Don't get knocked up' Home Ec class.
As if anyone's dumb enough to have a kid on their own.
You mean, as a teenager? Accidentally having a child on your own is stupid.
But Rose is doing it on purpose.
Huge difference.
Can you guys look after it? I have a date tonight and this thing will be a total drag.
Harry'll 'doll-sit' for you.
He needs to know what it's like having a child.
The only Barbie that I want to watch charges twenty bucks a dance.
Ya, he should do this.
I'll help.
Don't give her that doll.
She has zero maternal instincts.
I was the one who told you that pregnant women shouldn't change cat litter.
And the day you told me, I left Mr.
Boots in a forest.
Don't do it.
I'm going to be a great Mom.
We are going to care for this baby.
It records how much it cries.
So you have to watch it all the time.
Give it it's bottle, change it's diapers.
You botch this and I flunk.
Harry and I will be the best teen moms ever.
Okay! Thanks.
Harry! Treat it like a real baby.
Fine.
Where's the volume switch? Real baby.
Well where would it be on a real baby? I used to give, give, give.
I gave to these two ladies.
That's my boy.
Oh, and I'm also their donor.
That's kind of my daughter, huh huh huh.
And she's a little bit pregnant with my baby too.
I'm Harry, but the kids, they call me dad.
Wanna help me sell some grapefruit to raise money for my school? Hmmm.
No.
Well you're never going to learn anything if I do all the work for you.
But I know you're gonna be the school's best salesman.
Really? Of course, you've got my DNA.
Wow.
The best.
I'll be more popular than Jesus.
What? Jesus Rivera.
He's from Ecuador.
He's super cool.
Well you're going to be way cooler than him.
I mean you're gonna sell the most grapefruit in the history of people who sell grapefruit.
You know, we We don't want any part of the cut-throat world of charity fund-raising.
We'll just give them a token fifty dollar donation and explain that we're not interested in selling our souls.
Fruit.
Not souls.
He's got a shot here to be special, in the good way.
You think that he could be number one? Always so competitive.
No, I'm not like that anymore.
It's in my past.
Like penises.
He can't sell fruit.
It's ugly capitalism.
Ya, and we want to fly under the radar with these things, ok.
Cause if we stand out, that school will take us for every free moment we have.
Great lesson.
'Stay under the radar'.
And maybe one day you'll make middle-management! Spoken from the lofty position of 'bartender'.
Senior Bartender! Ok, you can't refuse to play the game just 'cause you're afraid of losing.
I meant that's so Lesbian.
Not saying that you stopped dating guys cause you couldn't land someone.
Obviously, Zoey you could have totally- Ok, look, let him just go for it! Please let me sell 'em.
I'm too young to be a lesbian.
I want to be the best.
Just meet him.
Give the boy a chance.
If Anastasia knows that you hate him, she'll just want to date him even more.
I don't need to meet him to know that I hate him.
He's eighteen! It's a classic Electra complex.
Electro-what complex? She's looking to date her father.
We should be so lucky.
I have three degrees, the kid's barely graduated high school.
Just pretend to like him.
You haven't even met Luke yet and you're already embarrassing me.
Hey, how's it going? How do you do, Mr.
Colborne? Are you Anastasia's sister? Sorry.
That must sound cheesy.
But wow.
I see where Anastasia gets her beauty.
That's very sweet.
You're a lucky man, Mr.
Colborne.
Please, Mr.
Colborne is what the girls in.
Anastasia's school call me.
Feel free to use my first name, Jonathan, seeing as we're both adults.
Dad.
So Ana tells us that you're a drummer.
Ah, percussionist.
It's nothing, really.
I hear you're a psychologist? It must be so great to really make a difference every day.
Ah, it really is.
Thank you.
Too bad you can't go out tonight.
You gotta take care of your baby.
Doll.
Home Ec doll.
Not real.
Rose and Harry are taking care of it.
Ah, the doll is your responsibility Anastasia.
I was pretty much raised by a nanny, so I thought that it would be okay that my fake child was too.
Hey, whoa, your mom's just looking out for you.
No, she was just what Luke just said.
Well, maybe it's okay if Anastasia doesn't practice being a teen mom.
It's been a pleasure guys.
Quite a performance.
I like him.
You don't have to pretend when Ana's not here.
No no, he's great.
You did not fall for the 'young enough to be her sister' stuff.
You're old.
You're not old.
He's old.
The Date-Your-Dad complex, remember? No.
He's nothing like Harry.
Harry? You think our daughter is dating a young Harry? My daughter doesn't want to marry me? Maybe when she's older.
Brown hair, sweet smile, eyes you could lose yourself in.
He's Harry.
Harry is an imbecile.
Luke is remarkable.
They're both drummers.
Luke is a percussionist.
That's very different.
The baby's right here, Rose.
I'm looking right at him.
Now he's laughing Ok, say goodbye to Mommy, Chucky.
Oh, he's shy Okay, I think it's time I fed him.
You lied.
Isn't lying bad? No, lying isn't always bad.
Like to spare someone's feelings? No, like, if you can make the lies 'unverifiable'.
Do you know what that means? Rose can't verify that I was lying about the doll.
So it's unverifiable.
Understand? Uh huh.
But that thing about sparing people's feelings that's good too.
So it's good to lie sometimes? Duh, absolutely.
Ah, this must be Luke.
I've heard all about you man.
Sperm Dad.
You're a drummer and bartender? Woah, living the dream.
That's what people tell me.
I'm looking to be a bartender too.
One day.
Fingers crossed.
You must be Billy the half-brother.
Do you want to buy some grapefruit? Sure.
Hey, let's hit up Irene.
You want to be a bartender? No, I'm lying.
But it's unverifiable.
Do you want to buy some- Scram.
Come on.
It's twenty-nine- ninety-nine a box.
It goes to help his school.
Fine.
You owe me a hundred bucks.
I'll take three.
Pay the kid, Harry.
It's not like the school's in Africa.
She's gonna pass.
But I need to sell the most.
I want to be the best, like you.
Oh Billy, there's no one like me.
Hey, you're a great salesman, Billy.
Hey, that's what I said! Why don't you take him around the bar, Luke.
See what you can sell.
Sure.
Let's get some names on that pledge sheet, Billy.
Did you know it's okay to lie? Duh, absolutely.
Does he seem familiar? No.
But I don't trust him.
Chocolate bars one semester, fruit the next.
You know your Mom Michelle is right, it's never enough with this school.
Because of it's amazingly high standards.
Hello Ms.
Anderson.
I wanted to discuss Billy's grapefruit sales.
Ya, you know we feel very strongly that - Obviously he didn't do this alone.
Oh, what did he do? He sold thirty-four boxes of grapefruit.
Harry was right! I am a great salesman.
Over a thousand dollars in grapefruit sales.
That's a great job, Billy.
It's good to be king.
A thousand dollars! Wow.
Yes, we're pretty dedicated parents.
But it was never about coming in first.
Well, first in his class but second in the whole school actually.
He's just a couple of boxes behind Hey-zeus Rivera.
Jesus.
Oh, it's okay.
No need to swear.
That's his name.
Yeah, well, we'll catch him.
Because you're going to be the best! I'm not being competitive.
You know, it's not for me.
You know, it's for the school.
Ah, ok.
A thousand dollars! Wow, way to go.
It's eight in the morning.
It's my turn with Chucky.
I thought you were coming a little bit later.
Where is he? You know what, we were playing peekaboo.
Have you ever played? You should try.
Cover your eyes.
Harry.
You kept him in the beer fridge.
That's one way of looking at it.
What's the other way? This beer is in the doll fridge? He likes it in there really.
Oh! I can't trust you with our baby.
It's just a doll! If it were our real baby it would be blue.
We're leaving you, Harry.
I'm gonna raise this doll on my own.
Shh, shh.
It's ok.
Mommy's got you.
The bad man can't hurt you now.
Shh, shh.
Anastasia's never been late meeting me before.
I know, it's that Luke, he's a bad influence.
But you probably love him.
Just like Janet.
No, I get a weird vibe.
I know his type.
Lies to make himself look good.
Coasts on his charm.
Never reaches his potential.
You know, an idiot.
Yeah.
It's a total Electra complex.
You know what that is right? Of course, mmm-hmmm.
I'm just gonna check my email.
Give me one second.
Ya, I did the same search! It's when a woman subconsciously starts looking for her father in the men she dates.
Oh, the Daddy complex.
Yeah, I know it well.
It's why I wear Old Spice.
Don't worry.
Luke is nothing like you.
That's right.
You stole my Daddy Complex.
My daughter's dating you.
Ew.
No way.
Luke is nothing like me.
I mean, he's handsome, and charming, Oh, God.
His parents didn't use a sperm donor did they? I wish.
If she were dating her brother that would solve everything.
But he's eighteen, and you weren't giving sperm away that long ago.
Well, not professionally.
Hold on, He's eighteen? They should not be dating.
I know.
So how do we get her to break up with your clone? Hold on, you don't like Luke because he's Luke, or because he's like me? Both.
More because he's like you.
I'm good enough to date your daughter.
I mean, yuck.
I get it.
Oh, it's OK Chucky.
Mommy's here.
Sorry, ah what were you saying? Jonathan doesn't think I'm good enough to date his daughter.
Your daughter.
Yeah.
Me.
Not good enough.
I can't even wrap my head around it.
Sorry, I was a bit of a Mama bear earlier.
It's just my maternal instincts have finally kicked in.
And they are so powerful.
Oh Chucky, shh shh shh Chucky.
It's ok.
You know, I should have taken it more seriously.
If you need any help.
Harry really, I'm fine.
I can do this on my own I'm going to be a great mom.
See.
Silence.
I'm a natural.
Isn't that right Chucky! It's not a real baby.
- His success has your fingerprints all over it.
- It does, doesn't it? You sold a thousand dollars worth of fruit.
It's not terrible parenting.
Though I wish it was.
A thousand.
That much? That's awesome of me.
My secret is I don't micro-manage.
Billy just needs to sell a few more boxes.
Ah, nine.
Do you think you could take him? Selling is doing wonders for Billy's self esteem.
I can do this.
I can do this.
Ya, I'd like to help out except I'm stretched pretty thin.
Hm, well did the Donald settle for second Best? It's okay.
I'll just, I'll sell them myself to myself.
I have to break up with Luke.
He's a bit of a player.
He's great.
People are always so quick to judge guys like me-Luke.
Jealousy.
Don't you think he's a bit phony? He's real.
Too real.
And he's super lazy.
Ah, that's just a myth.
You know what, you're probably right.
Your Dad doesn't like Luke, and he wants you to dump him Your parents know what's best for you.
They can't tell me what to do.
I'm not breaking up with him! Forty-three orders puts Billy in first place.
We're the best.
We showed it to those losers! For the good of the school! So I just need the one thousand two hundred and eighty nine dollars and fifty seven cents.
You collected it when people signed the order forms, right? Oh.
Um, ya.
We collect before the orders are processed.
Of course, I know that.
Because I was with Billy when we made the sales.
Because I am a dedicated Mom.
So, do you have the money? I, um I have to It's ok, we'll get the money from Harry later.
But we don't have to tell the teacher about Harry.
Because this is our little victory, right? So, I'll write a cheque.
What's the total amount? One thousand two hundred eighty nine dollars and fifty seven cents.
Wow.
You're sad.
Did Luke dump you?! It's my allergies.
We're still together.
Ugh.
He's eighteen.
You'll have plenty of time to date 18-year-old boys when you're never.
It's so typical that you guys don't want me to date Luke.
Yes we do.
Luke is great.
You don't want us to break up? You are not breaking up with Lukey.
Please break up with him.
Never.
Never.
I know what you're doing.
It won't work.
You're not going to tell me what to do.
I just need to clarify what you want me to do.
Stop seeing him.
Invite him to dinner.
You two are the worst.
I'm just going to go upstairs and change, you know just in case Luke drops by.
What's it called when your wife's attracted to the younger version of her sperm donor? Is there a complex for that? Look who's number one! Thanks to my help.
High-five.
So, Harry we just need the money that you collected with him.
We collected the money when we sold the grapefruit? Yes.
Right.
Billy's got it.
I don't.
What happened to it? Someone must have stole it.
You let him hold a thousand dollars? Small misunderstanding.
I didn't actually sell the fruit with him.
How could you take credit for something that you didn't do? Ok, what I did was totally different.
I took credit for something that I didn't do.
So, um, who helped him? Luke.
Harry around? I want to show you both I could take care of this doll! All by yourself? Wow, you're a very accomplished six-year-old.
The baby doesn't cry anymore.
What, you took out the batteries? Yes.
No.
Okay yes.
Congratulations, mom of the year.
Motherhood is about problem-solving.
And I took care of this baby, and Anastasia is going to get a great mark.
I'll have one of these to celebrate.
Is that good for the baby? It's just a doll.
Oh you mean the real Ya, nope, never mind.
Ya, you've really overcome your lack of maternal instincts.
Lack of? I'm hardwired to be a Mom.
Oh! Spider! Oh, I'll get it with my What is wrong with you? You scratched my bar.
I'm going to be a terrible Mother.
Ah ya.
We're looking for Luke! Yes, he's here.
Janet invited him for dinner.
He sat at my place at the table.
Your boyfriend's a thief.
I knew it! Really? Cool.
Ah, not my Luke.
He stole money from Billy.
He's the one who went with Billy to sell the grapefruit.
Tell them Luke.
I didn't steal money from this kid.
Tell them Billy.
I didn't sell any grapefruit.
There never was any money.
Luke is not a thief? He just helped me make up some names on the pledge sheet.
I just wanted to be the best kid in school.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, him.
Did you even look at the pledge sheet? I didn't 'make up' any of those names.
They're all classics.
Jacques Strap.
I.
P.
Knightly.
Holden McGroin.
What? He's funny.
I'm sorry we accused you of stealing, Luke, but we're on the hook for over a thousand dollars.
Hey, I was just fooling around with him you know.
Uh, it's not really my problem that your kid is a liar.
Um, harsh? Ah, Luke is looking out for a little boy who is clearly getting far too much pressure from his parents.
Thanks, Mrs.
Colborne.
Janet.
Or Jan.
Whatevs.
'Whatevs'? Alright buddy, come-on.
Ok buddy, ok.
Remember what I said about lying? Make it unverifiable.
Lying about selling grapefruit is so verifiable.
I also said, "do not lie to your parents.
" No you didn't.
Can you verify that? No.
See.
Do you see the difference? Ok, good talk.
It's Chucky.
I I killed him.
Ana's doll? Okay.
Again, it's just a doll.
I'm sure we can fix him.
Ohhh.
I have to tell Anastasia.
Gimme a second.
Is that Anastasia's? Yes here it is.
Oops.
Oh no! What am I doing? Is that my baby? My bad.
I broke him.
Harry's lying.
Luke did it! Everybody saw him do it.
Right? Right, Rose? Right? Right? That's low, Mr.
Colborne.
Harry'll back me up, Harry? Doesn't anyone get the idea of 'unverifiable?' Anastasia, I destroyed the baby.
Wow, you're going to be the worst mother ever.
Hey! And now Anastasia's teachers are going to think that she can't be a great teen mom.
I'm going to have to smooth this over.
We cannot let her fail.
You deserve a winner.
Billy you're the best kid in the entire world.
Even with this semester's poor sales history? Of course.
We couldn't ask for a better son.
Just as you are.
But we don't lie, okay? So you're gonna tell the school what really happened? No, we'll lie.
Just make sure it's unverifiable.
Ok.
Come here.
I think you need to apologize to Zoey and Michelle.
Why are you even still here, Harry? You're not family.
You complete me.
Luke, we're finished.
- What? - What? You're a douche.
At eighteen you are.
But you're gonna learn to conceal it better.
This is a little more baggage than I need, so I'm just Whoa whoa.
It's not baggage.
It's family.
Alright fine, it's baggage.
I'm sorry that it didn't work out between us- I mean you, you two.
I should have never encouraged you to keep seeing him.
I should have trusted my instincts.
It's like I was dating one of my parents.
So even you thought you were dating Harry? Ew, that's disgusting.
You thought you were dating me? No! Luke's like Mom.
So judgmental.
He sucks.
Thanks for trying to save me.
Sorry no one bought it.
I have no maternal instinct.
You're going to be a great Mom.
How do you know? You're the only one who wanted to do the right thing.
You broke a doll and you wanted to own up to it.
Everybody else lied.
And not very well.
Only good mothers question if they're good mothers.
Because all parents are terrible at it.
And I bet the ones that are thinking and saying that they're great parents are probably the worst.
Why would you say that? I am a GREAT mother.
I am A GREAT Mother.
Sorry, JAN! Whatevs! I'm sorry how things went down.
I wasn't my best self.
And I hope you can forgive me.
Of course I can.
I wasn't my best - Sorry, I was just leaving a message for Luke, Did you say something? Nope.
Billy can start a grapefruit juice stand.
Everyone else does lemonade! It's an untapped market.
The profits would go to charity of course.
Mrs.
Anderson thinks she can really use our grapefruit marketing skills.
You're now looking at the new Pizza Day coordinator.
Rose doesn't have to do this.
She really wants to prove herself.
I did it! I stole a new baby, to replace the one I lost.
And nobody saw me.
It looks exactly like Chucky.
No one was even guarding your Home Ec class.
Which is dumb, because there are a lot of crazy people out there.
Thanks but it's not going to work.
Each baby has a serial number on its foot.
I'm way ahead of you.
There you go.
You know what, let me get it to stop crying.
I can do this.
Ok, that's enough.