Shameless US s01e05 Episode Script

Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling you're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? I wasn't even thinking about getting married until he brought it up.
Now I'm, like, obsessed.
Phillips.
Wasn't he drunk when he proposed? Oh, yeah.
It was like that David Hasselhoff video, eating a cheeseburger.
I never saw that.
Oh, you gotta YouTube it.
It's like a car wreck you can't not watch.
You really want a drunk proposal to be the story you tell your grandkids? My husband proposed to me at the top of the Sears Tower.
Champagne and roses.
Six months into the marriage, I found out he was fucking my sister.
And the moral of the story is? My sister's a bitch.
Other than the presents and the booze, give me three good reasons why you want to get married.
Lots of people who love each other get married every day, Fiona.
I don't know, V.
The way things are between you and Kevin right now, it seems perfect.
Why ruin it? What do you get for that? What? What are they paying for the neck thing, disability? That's what I get.
But look, I can do this.
While I admire your commitment, I gotta tell ya, it's a bit over the top.
I told 'em I get migraines.
Genius, huh? Huh? Try proving I don't have 'em.
I bet it itches like you got crabs in there.
Kev, come out.
You done? Why are we getting married? What? Other than the presents and the booze, can you tell me three good reasons why you want to get married? Not really.
Wait a minute this isn't one of those tests, is it? One of those woman things where I'm supposed to change your mind? If it is, you just failed.
You saying you don't want to get married? No, I mean, things between us are pretty great.
I don't want to ruin it.
What would we tell people? That the wedding's off.
No one's damn business why.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, great then.
Guess I gotta tell Mama.
Oh, yeah.
That's gonna suck.
She's on her way over to talk about the blessed event.
I am gonna miss getting a free KitchenAid mixer.
Can we still register for gifts, even though you're not getting married? I got a gift for ya.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
Here comes the bride, all dressed in white! Which I think you can still get away with, baby.
Hey, Mama.
Oh, I can't believe it! Oh, I can't believe it! I can't believe this! What happened? Nothing happened, Mama.
We just deci How could you do this to me? Look, Mama, nothing's gonna change.
Kev and I are still together.
Yeah, Mama Don't call me Mama.
We're just cutting out all the paperwork, right? You know, and besides, until gay people can get married in this state, I'm not gonna.
You know this isn't what your father wants.
You know that, don't you? Daddy's dead, Mama.
He doesn't really want anything.
Your daddy, rest his soul, wants to see his little girl married.
Look, Mama That's why he set aside a little something for you for once you finally settled down.
A little what? Your daddy left you money for your first home once you got married.
A house? Yeah, he thought it might keep you from being somebody's baby mama.
How much? I don't know! He wanted the envelope opened on your wedding day.
Now I guess we'll never know.
I just I never knew how much it meant to Daddy.
The world.
Maybe we should reconsider, babe.
But what about the gay people? They got their parades.
They can wait.
It's hot.
I'm hot.
Are you guys hot? Hot! Coming! Hey.
Pee.
Oh, it's fresh? Clean as a whistle.
Thanks, Fiona you have no idea what this means to me.
Means you get to smoke weed and keep your government job, and I get to eat.
It's lasagna, straight from the oven.
It's still warm.
So's this.
Keep it that way, if you want to pass.
Lunch! Eat it or miss it, people! Thanks.
Bye.
What, more piss food? You know it.
All right! Cup-a-lasagna, anyone? Right here.
Who was on dishes today? Uh, I'll get them after lunch.
Hey, Debs, you ready to go to Target? Yeah, sure.
What's that smell? It's either vomit or fancy cheese.
It can be both if you want.
Target? Deb's gonna go help me register for wedding gifts.
I thought the wedding was off? Back on.
Kev know? Uh-huh.
Oh! Hey-hey! Mmm damn.
You tell that girl Sonny I will crap on a paper plate for her if it'll get me some of this grub.
Francis Gallagher.
Yeah.
Drop your pants.
I don't see how that has any bearings on my migraines.
Me neither, but it's on the State form.
Drop 'em, sailor.
Yeah.
Still cold.
Cough.
Again.
Again.
That's weird.
Have you ever done a testicular self-examination? Oh, God, no.
I say leave those three bad boys down there alone.
Yeah, well, that's the problem.
Should only be two testicles invited to this party.
What's this? I need you and your testicles back here tomorrow for a biopsy.
So, I got an extra passenger on board.
What's the big deal? Normal number's two.
Not for me.
Third guy's always been there.
He's my lucky charm.
Gave me six kids.
Mmm.
Probably benign then.
You're smart not to worry till you do a biopsy.
Gives you something to worry about.
Yeah.
Uh, pretty sure you can't bring a baby into a bar, ma'am.
And I'm pretty sure you can't get married if you already are.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Why the hell doesn't she know yet? 'Cause I'm afraid to tell her.
Kev I don't want to make her sad, Fi.
It would break my heart to hurt her.
Just tell her the truth, Kev.
If you don't, I will.
Can you hit me with a milk refill? The devil's in my balls, Billy, and he's comin' for the rest of me.
Let's hope he can swim.
Why, Billy? Why me? Because you're an asshole, Frank.
Doc says it's probably benign.
Look at Lance Armstrong.
He had that ball cancer.
Yeah, he ends up fucking a rock star.
That's right! That's right! See? Hey, baby! Hey-hey! How you doing? Okay, I know that this is silly, but I'm really starting to get excited about this whole wedding thing.
The gifts and the wedding and being Mrs.
Kevin Ball.
You know old man Parson's place on Fifth? I think we should buy it.
What? You know, the one where the son went crazy and hit him with an axe? It's for sale and I think we should start, like, getting our stuff together all the loans and credit scores and all that.
What's the matter, babe? I'm sure they got the blood cleaned up by now.
I can't marry you, Veronica.
I'm already married.
She's beautiful.
She's a head case.
She used to throw plates at me.
She couldn't handle her booze.
That's how I got the scars on the back of my neck.
Baby, you have no idea how many times I wanted to tell you over the years, but the more time went on, the more unreal it all seemed.
Look like a douche bag with that mullet.
Oh, I can't believe this.
Guess we can forget about buying a house.
KEVIN Yeah.
Maybe not.
What do you mean? You don't actually have to get married, do you? I mean, your mom wants a wedding.
So, give her one.
I could get ordained online.
Then we just don't file the license with the state.
A fake wedding.
Why not? You'd still be married.
It just won't be legal.
Yeah, but what's the point then? All the free shit, baby! Oh.
Oh, damn! Oh, baby, come on.
That would've sucked.
Showing up at your wedding fucking paralyzed and shit? Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Looks a bit like Top Ramen in there, doesn't it? Sweetie, would you like me to come with you to your the biopsy? No, it's probably nothing.
A benign cyst.
An ingrown hair.
Yes, I think you're right.
You're gonna be just fine.
Why the hell are you crying? I knew it was too good to be true.
You're gonna die.
Jesus, Sheila, I'm not gonna die.
I haven't even had the biopsy yet.
It was probably that nut-vise sex toy of hers that gave you the damn cancer.
I'm gonna need the house next week for Bible study.
We're doing the Passion Play again.
It might get noisy.
I have two plots at Oak Woods Cemetery.
One was for Eddie.
Nothing would make me happier than to bury you in one of them.
Wait there for me.
Oh, God, I'm gonna die.
He married your father and I, Aunt Rochelle, Uncle Bobby, and cousin Jimmy with the you know, that first wife of his, the one with the cleft palate.
A cleft palate is merely the mark God leaves when he kisses a person before they're born.
That girl's mama just skipped the folic acid.
I'm gonna need you both to come to my weekend Engagement Encounter retreat.
It covers all of the.
Pre-Cana material necessary for you to be married with God's blessing.
Uh, could you excuse us for just a second, please? Might be kind of fun to do it at a church outing, huh? Veronica, that man in there is a priest.
He's gonna require a license.
A marriage license.
And I'm pretty sure bigamy is still a felony in the state of Illinois.
Why did you let your mom drag us down here? You know that Mama wasn't gonna take no.
What about Fiona? Wasn't she gonna marry us? Relax, baby.
I got this.
You know what, Mama? We already have someone that's gonna do the wedding for us.
Is this some healing hands, voodoo, wheat grass jackass? Because that is not a wedding in the Lord's eyes.
Go ahead, tell them, Father.
Tell them that it's not a wedding in the Lord's eyes.
Well, I know this that just like the honeybee, God has many eyes.
Look, it has to be a priest.
That's what your father wanted, that's what I want and that's what the Lord wants.
Wedding's not gonna work.
What happened? Mama wants a real priest.
Sheila said she'd make your wedding dress, if you want.
Oh, that's nice, but what good is a dress if I don't have a priest? You could hire an actor.
Remember the guy who played Elmo at my birthday party? You remember that? He took his head off.
It was traumatizing.
You think an actor could work? You know what? I could probably get.
Father Pete to do it if Carl will help.
What's it gonna cost me? Uh, Karen and I use your place Friday night? Done.
Father Pete, the groper? God willing.
We got hot dogs? Mmm, no hot dogs.
What? Excuse me.
Better late than never.
Even better on time.
What's with the costume? ROTC.
I made Cadet Lieutenant Colonel today.
You did? That's great! Yeah.
Congratulations.
When I get back, I want the new stock shelved with all of the labels facing the same direction.
Where are you going? Your head is like a funnel.
The Boy Scout trip is this weekend.
They have Muslim Boy Scouts? It's similar.
The motto is still "Be prepared," but you learn how to work with chemicals instead of tying knots.
The troop is sponsored by the Baptist church.
They give us free outfits and overnights, and we let 'em think we're assimilating.
Everybody wins.
I'll be back Sunday night.
Lieutenant Colonel? I'm so proud of you.
It's not that big of a deal.
Linda and the boys are gone for two nights.
We're gonna have a whole night together to celebrate.
Oh, God! Good God! I'm sorry! Jesus Christ! Was that the biopsy?! I'm gonna take a look.
I'm just gonna take a look.
Okay, well, that is definitely better.
I think you're okay.
Well, now, yeah.
I'm just gonna shave you, okay? I've never been shaved down there before.
Just doing a small section.
Okay? Oh! I'm sorry about that.
Maybe I could come back later and you could shave the other two.
There.
All done.
Ooh! It feels like Spring! Wish I could say this wasn't gonna hurt.
You don't have to go too crazy here, Sheila, but as close to Vera Wang as you can get.
You are going to make a beautiful bride.
Aw, Sheila, you're making me feel like Cinderella.
Aw Screw Cinderella.
Little doe-eyed bitch.
Probably one of the worst role models for little girls.
I think Cinderella was a feminist.
The whole idea of marriage is a useless vestige of an archaic civilization.
How would you know? I watched one unravel.
Oh, so one example of a bad one makes them all bad, hmm? Hmm? In olden times, marriage was nothing more than a legal exchange of women for property.
Maybe you're being a little pessimistic.
It's just a piece of paper! A birth certificate is just a piece of paper.
And money money is just a piece of paper.
But those are pretty valuable.
True.
Hey, Gloria Steinem, enough of the blah-blah.
Let's talk bachelorette party.
I got that covered, don't worry.
Oh, you better.
Mm-hmm.
'Cause we gonna be doing it Uh-huh, mm-hmm! You sing it, lady! Let's go.
Let's go! Feeling sick, feeling tired, seeing more of my oncologist than I see of my whole family.
The hardest thing for me to accept is the fact that I can't fix this.
I'm so used to being the mom, you know? The one who takes care of everyone and everything.
The fixer.
And this is breast cancer.
I can't fix this.
Just knowing your tits are trying to kill you that's gotta suck.
I mean, mine's in my balls.
At least they've got a reason to be pissed.
Tucked between two legs, wedged right near your asshole.
There's no good way to sit, no underwear that's been devised to hold 'em effectively in place.
They're a bizarre appendage.
An afterthought.
Which is why I don't believe in intelligent design.
There is no God.
We're all gonna die.
Why do I have to do it? 'Cause you're the only one who's young enough to be an altar boy.
We'll stop him before anything goes down.
Or anyone.
The Gallagher boys.
If you're here to steal the noon offering basket, you're out of luck.
Already off to the bank.
No, no.
Carl here is interested in being an altar boy.
That's a big responsibility.
Yeah, we know.
We tried talking him out of it, but he cried and cried, so we thought we'd bring him in, see if you thought he had what it takes.
Hello there, Carl.
Be back for ya in a bit, bud.
Want to watch Scarface again tonight? Can't.
Got a date.
Ooh, a Mandy date or Kash date? Kash date.
You're a slut, man.
Shit! Looks like we have a priest for V's wedding.
A fake priest? No, no, priest is real.
We're just not gonna file the license.
A little immoral, don't you think? Like lying to God's face? Really, Mr.
Morality? Whose car is this that we're in? It's not like I have a priest in the back.
Are you still picking up the cake? Angelica's Bakery.
Hey, can Kev and V use this car for their big exit after the reception? Uh, yeah, I think that could work.
I just, I need it back right after.
Okay.
You can't do anything bad to it.
And no sex in it.
No sex in it? I just need this thing in perfect condition.
All right, Fiona, I just Whoa, whoa! Aw, damn it! Damn it! Jesus! Relax, relax.
It happens, okay? Yeah? What happens, prison time? Hey, Fiona.
I thought that was you.
Your uniform looks different.
Yeah, they issued new coats.
See you at Kev and Veronica's wedding tomorrow? Yeah.
I'm gonna need to see your license and registration, sir.
What? Why, Officer, sir? Well, you were doing 35 in a 25.
And there was some swerving.
That was kind of weird.
Here's my license, but I actually don't have the registration.
It's actually my friend's car.
You really are supposed to have that on you at all times.
Let me see what I can do.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Why did you give him your license?! That's not my real license.
Yeah, so now what? We run? No, that never works.
Jesus, you got me? Yeah, thanks, buddy.
Well, who's Jesus? Follow car.
Always use a follow car.
Watch your speed, sir.
See you at the wedding, Fi.
Okay! Out.
What? Get out! Oh! What about the car? Taken care of.
My heart's in my throat right now.
It's adrenaline.
It's kinda cool, isn't it? I'll see you at the wedding.
What? Angelica's Bakery, right? Yeah, right.
I've decided to start wearing a tie every day.
I could die at any moment.
I thought it'd be nice to look my best for the Grim Reaper.
Son of a bitch.
You know what? Fuck him.
Fuck him! Why give him the satisfaction? I'll do it myself.
Take my own goddamn life.
You know you know what the real shame of it is, Kev? The real shame is there are so many things I still want to do.
Oh, yeah? Like what? Jesus Christ! I don't know.
I don't know! How sad is that? A man who doesn't even know what he wants to do.
Whoo-hoo! Hey, what's going on? Yeah, buddy! What's this? You gotta wear it tonight for the bachelor party.
Everyone's gonna be wearing one.
Andy, get the fuck out of here.
I'm not gonna Don't be a dick, dude! Fuckin' wear it! Bachelor party? Yeah, if you wanna go, you can come.
What's the plan? Me and my friends are gonna get wasted and do some stupid shit.
But we gotta get you one of these.
Awesome.
Is the blindfold for the element of surprise or so I don't know where you live? A little of both.
Ooh! Ta-da! Oh Oh.
Wow, yeah.
This is your house.
Where you live with Linda and the kids.
And now it's our house.
What's wrong? Sorry.
It's just, it's too weird.
What is? All of your shit.
It's, it's freaking me out! It smells like goats in here, man.
Ian, wait! But why would she do it in the first place, Fi? Because she could! She was like one of those weird Chinese acrobats.
Oh! No, those girls are all tiny and cute when they do it! She was like Pippi Longstocking kissing her own ass! Jesus! Dad, what the hell happened to you? Cord was too long.
I got three nuts.
Gonna die.
What's that nasty-ass hair about? Fuck! I want to be your jasmine I want to be your jazzy man! Marty?! Surprise! I'm the maid of honor at your fake wedding and I didn't even know you had a brother.
There's a reason for that.
He busted out of prison? Last night.
What was he in for? Aggravated assault, larceny and arson.
Arson? Who we talkin' about? V's brother.
Oh, is that like a sibling-brother, or just a black guy brother? You remember the fire at the Curves in the mini mall? That was him.
He loves setting fire to things and he hates women.
It was the perfect storm.
He's nuts.
No, I'm serious.
He's nuts.
He came at me.
I had to fight my ass off.
Then, one time, I'm having a brew, he came up to me, he's all, "Ass cunt fuck!" on me.
- Is he retarded? - I wish.
Tourette's coupled with bipolar disorder and a drinking problem.
He's a shrink's wet dream.
What are we gonna do? Kick his ass back to prison 'cause if there's one person you can always count on to really fuck things up, it's Marty.
Bungee jumping, eh? From the El tracks.
Good news/bad: your biopsy results came back negative.
Tumor was benign, so you're not gonna die of testicular cancer.
Oh! Oh, thank God! Oh! Oh! So, I can keep it? Yeah.
The swelling on the brain you've probably got going on in there might end up doin' you in.
What?! I'm fuckin' with you.
The bump looks pretty superficial, but if you vomit more than twice, have any seizures or experience memory loss, call 911.
Well, what if I vomit while I'm having a seizure and have no memory of it? Tree in the forest, my friend.
What? You know you can't stay, Marty.
You gotta go back to prison.
Look, Ron, it's bullshit security.
They practically give you your own key.
Aren't you risking your parole? How long did you have left? Jesus, Marty, that's no time at all.
It's your wedding day, Ron.
Why don't you go back and turn yourself in? Tell 'em it was a mistake.
Blame it on the Tourette's.
Tell them that it won't happen again.
You know it's for the best.
Faggot! I'm gonna go get cleaned up, and we'll have you back before they even know you left.
Look, I'm not going back, Ron! It's your wedding day and I'm not gonna miss your shit-pisser wedding day! This is the dress that I will wear this afternoon.
And it will protect me like this house protects me.
This is the dress.
And today is the day.
And the day is good.
You look nice.
Where are you pretending to go? I'm going to a wedding today.
I am really gonna do it this time.
And it's supposed to be a beautiful day today.
Beautiful and safe and sunny.
The sun's just a burning ball of fire that could plunge from the sky at any time.
I think we should just let him come to the wedding.
No way.
I'm not having that nutcase at my wedding.
Can you imagine the service? "Do you Veronica "Fucking bitch! Fisher "take this man "Fuck stick! Kevin Ball?" Uh-uh, no, I'm taking him back to prison where he belongs if I gotta drag his ass back there myself.
Always happens when he's off his meds.
Right.
Give me your dress so I can steam it.
Behind the door.
No.
Bathroom door.
It's a real pretty dress, Roni.
It'll burn nicely with all this taffeta.
Oh, Jesus.
You send me back to jail, this dress goes up! This house goes up! We all go up! Marty? Marty, open the door.
Open the goddamn door! You're not getting married without me.
Cock fuck! He's not doing anything.
He's sitting in there lighting a lighter.
Oh, my God, he's gonna burn the house down.
This is what he did at Granddaddy's funeral.
Gutted out half the hospice.
Maybe we should call the cops.
Kev's right.
The house goes up we're not gonna be able to get him out of there.
You want me to call cops on my own brother? It's always been like this.
Nobody else could ever be the center of attention.
It's always got to be about him.
You should be in a nuthouse! What's going on? Veronica's brother locked himself in the bathroom.
He's threatening to burn the place down.
Cool! He saying that he's gonna light both the dress and the shit-sack house on fire.
What's a shit-sack? All I wanted was to own my own home and maybe some small kitchen appliances for your, for me, for our home Maybe some kids someday.
I thought you didn't want to have any kids.
Based on what? You saying how much you hate 'em.
Yeah, other people's.
But I might not mind having a baby Kev runnin' round.
A little "tomorrow person"? What? That's what I call little mixed-race babies: Tomorrow people.
Little people of tomorrow.
What are we gonna do? Maybe we should just call it off.
No, not a chance.
Baby, listen, this our time.
We're gonna get fake married, and nothing's gonna stop us.
Tomorrow people? Tomorrow people.
Hey, can you sign in for me at detention today? Mrs.
Pinder won't notice.
She's almost blind.
You ditchin'? Kash has something planned.
I thought that was last night.
Was supposed to be, but he took me to his place, and it sort of freaked me out.
I mean, I always knew he had a wife and a life and everything, but seeing it and and smelling it I mean, his life actually has an odor.
What was that for? I just felt like kissing my boyfriend.
Have fun fucking Kash.
Remember when we were little, and you'd always tag along with me, wherever I went? I always looked after you, didn't I, Marty? And do you know why? Because I'm your big little sister and I didn't want you to get in trouble, because I love you.
And that's why I want you to go back to prison.
But you know what? I've been thinking about my wedding, and you know something? You were right 'cause my wedding day wouldn't be my wedding day without my little big brother there.
In fact, I'd like you to be the one to give me away.
Marty? You mean it? Cross my heart.
Come here, you little nut.
Ah! Ah! You bitches! You bitches lied to me! I'm gonna burn down your cocksucking, cockfucker! It's the drugs and the whores And the voodoo that set me free Wow.
That shit does dry fast.
Got a rock 'n' roll heart, baby Burnin' in me.
Lip, my boy.
My oldest boy.
Yeah.
Here to pick up Karen.
What's with the vest? Sheils made it.
Wow Look at you.
You look beautiful.
Thanks.
Hi, Lip.
Hi.
Does my head look bigger? Um I don't think it can get any bigger, Dad.
I have to keep an eye on it.
Watch for memory loss and vomit.
More so than usual? Know what? I have a second chance at life.
Mm-hmm.
I'm not gonna surround myself with negative energy.
How about you just show up at this wedding, do what you do best: drink free booze and look happy? Yes? All right, Frank, I am ready.
You're coming, Mom? Yes, I'm coming.
She's not going anywhere.
I've got my purse and my gift and my gloves and my selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor and my monoamine oxidase inhibitor.
I have my anti-anxiety disco biscuits.
And I am ready to go.
I am really ready.
I'll just get you a piece of cake, Mom.
That would just be wonderful, sweetheart.
There's just so much I've gotta get done here.
Ah, that bitch.
What kind of cock-fuck does this to her brother? May daily problems never cause you undue anxiety, nor the desire for earthly possessions dominate your lives, but may your hearts' first desire be always the good things waiting for you in the life of heaven.
Amen.
Amen! You may kiss the bride.
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Get it out! Whoo! Whoo! Get some, Father! Go, Dad! Work it! Take it down! Take it down! Say what you gotta say, what you gotta Talk like you mean it, boy Say it like you mean it Congratulations on that.
Say it like you own it Uh, folks, let's face facts.
When it comes to good things, most of 'em come in pairs like your favorite jeans, new socks and Kevin and Veronica.
And as it turns out, most people's testicles.
So here's to the happy couple, Kevin, Veronica, may you always only have two testicles between ya.
L'chaim! L'chaim! Oh oh, sweetheart, may the good Lord watch over you in your new home.
Oh, thank you, Mama.
Thank you.
$500?! Are you fucking kidding me? We're gettin' a Barbie house, baby! Maybe you're making yourself too available? You think? Hey, lady friend, where the hell is my cake? Steve is supposed to be here with the damn thing.
That's the trouble with the exciting ones.
The unpredictability is what makes them so exciting, but it's also what makes them so damned unpredictable.
He may not be Steve, but he's here.
Hi.
Hi.
Do you wanna dance? The Bible is the Word of God, How can it be the Word of God passed down if it was rewritten by King James? from generation to generation.
It doesn't make any sense.
This was really a perfect day.
I only wish little Marty could have been here.
You're late Dr.
Sherman.
Okay, Gallaghers, you're the only family I got, so let's put this on film, huh? Ah.
Wait Is it on? It's on.
It's on, it's on.
Did it go? It's not on.
- Go get - Aah! Set it up again, here we go.
Ready? Okay.
Here we go.
Hey, sexy.
Wait, where's Lip? Where? Oh.
Yeah Yeah, oh, yeah, give it to me! Oh, yeah.
Oh, oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, give it to me! Oh, you want me to give it to you? Yes.
Yes, she said she wants you to give it to her, so just give it to her already, okay?! Cock and balls! And she was a real princess.
Yeah, well, she's dead now.
How's that for happily ever after? Asshole.