Shelved (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

1
♪
(DRUMMING) Ta-da!
- JAQ: Oh.
- BRYCE: Tasty treats!
Are these your famous
three-ingredient scones?
Yes, they are.
Ooh, you can call me George
Thorogood & the Destroyers
'cause I'm bad to the scone.
(LAUGHING) Get in there.
Yeah, I learned how to
make these in prison.
Um, where'd you get the butter?
You find it.
(GULPING)
WENDY: (GRUNTING) Little help here?
Oh, Wendy.
Oh, Wendy! Let me give you a
- Ooh, yeah.
- Oh.
- Thank you, Howard.
- I was also gonna
(SIGHING) Sorry I'm late.
Got myself into a bit of a situation.
Mm-hm?
You know, my friend,
Dottie, in circulation,
she's trying to save some
books from extinction
I'm sorry, "extinction?"
Is that the word?
No. It's, uh Uncircu-fying?
Deading. Deading a book.
Either way, I offered to help.
So, she sent me 10 of each book,
and anything we can do to help,
she would really greatly appreciate.
So, what have we got here?
How to Beat Any Nintendo 64 Game.
That's handy.
Uh, and, Mansplaining
Well, that's, um
That's there. And An Uncivil War,
The Five Moments the South
Could Have Turned the Tide.
Hopefully that's not the
Civil War we think it is.
No. It, uh, it definitely is.
I don't know, guys, maybe these
books should be Darwin-ized.
Look, we shouldn't be
forced to circulate any book.
As Granny Delora once said,
"When something's old and nearly dead,
bury it before the stench kills us all."
Why does Dottie want
us to save these books?
She didn't say and I didn't
ask. Look, I need a solid.
Dottie only has eight
fingers and it's my fault.
You know what? I'll
help. I'm sorry, what?
Oh, Howard! Thank you.
Thank you so much. My hero!
Yeah, I mean, it's my pleasure.
You know, at Midtown
we always created demand
by doing a book push.
Oh, I love this!
Use anyone and anything you need.
Seriously? Well, I'd
kill for a subcommittee.
- Done. Jaq, Bryce.
- A subcommittee?
Help Howard out.
For Dottie!
(ALL HALF-HEARTEDLY): For Dottie.
And for her three-legged dog, Ringo.
(ALL HALF-HEARTEDLY): And for
her three-legged dog, Ringo.
♪
Subcommittee! Our post-meeting
meeting begins, wait for it
Now! Roll call. Jaq?
There are three of us. We're here.
Present. Bryce?
Delightfully present.
All right, very good. We have a quorum.
So, at Midtown we used
a friendly competition to
help push books that we
wanted off our shelves.
One flaw. Competition is a fundamental
element of capitalism
and I'm a socialist.
- (GROANING)
- Remember, this isn't for me.
- This is for Wendy.
- JAQ: Is it though?
I sort of feel like Dottie's
the only one winning here.
Lucky Dottie and her eight fingers.
WENDY: I'm just trying to help.
UNHOUSED WENDY: I don't
care! I don't care!
WENDY: You're being so unreasonable!
I'm leaving! I don't feel safe here!
What?!
You're the one with a purse
full of sharpened toothbrushes!
And I will not hesitate to use one.
(ALL GASPING)
Okay, I went too far.
(ALL GASPING)
Wendy!
Have those two ever
argued like that before?
- Never.
- I'm going to check on her.
Oh, no, no. Just give
her a minute to cool down.
You know what would
make her feel better?
Hm?
Is if the two of you push books with me.
Okay. Fine, but I'm not
saying "book push." Ew.
Ah, you just did.
(LOUD THUDDING)
(BEEPING)
It couldn't be simpler.
See, there's three
books and three of us.
Why don't we each take a
book and try to move it?
And whoever gets rid of their
book first, wins something.
Like what?
Well, I'm meeting Dane for lunch today.
Maybe I could get him to give
us a couple of museum tickets.
Oh, I thought it was going to
be something we wanted to do.
you know what? I'm not
having this argument again.
The Acropolis On-top-olis
exhibit was pure fire.
Oh, it was fire,
Howard? It was pure fire?
Okay, look, I know
where this is going
No. No, no, no, no. As a fellow youth,
I totes agree, fam.
Museums aren't cringe,
they're lit, bitch.
(GROANING)
Are you quite finished?
Yes, bitch. Slay.
Slay.
How about extra paid days off?
WENDY: She's stubborn and mean.
Like a goat that missed breakfast.
Why was she so upset?
Exactly! What's her problem?
- No, no, no. I'm asking you
- (BELL DINGING)
Wendy, I need to use
the employee washroom.
Someone's in the big, nice
one with all the handle bars.
The accessible one?
Just use the one you're supposed to.
I need privacy when I
am doing private things.
And the stalls aren't private enough?
The gap by my feet is unnerving.
Go over to Coffee & Such, then.
The place with the one-ply?
You know, why don't you just
hand me sandpaper, Sheila?
No, before it's too late,
I'll have an accident in the stacks.
Yes, I'll do it.
It's not an accident if it's a threat.
Okay, go!
Thank you!
He is far too comfortable.
The individual with the
most books signed out
by 5:00pm today wins
all three personal days.
Pick a book, Jaq.
Ladies first after all.
Nope. Screw you. Bryce, you go.
Finally, a white man gets some love.
Okay, you know what? You ruined it.
All right. Uncivil War. What?!
Okay, and I got Mansplaining
Nintendo 64.
- I'll trade you?
- Please!
I wanted Mansplaining,
anyway. It's an important book.
And I'll tell you why, young lady
Absolutely not. No. Listen to me.
No tradesies and no
redraws, this is what it is.
Incipiant ludi.
Let the games begin.
(RATTLING)
(KNOCKING) Excuse me.
Hi. It's Wendy, the branch manager.
Is everything okay?
Wendy? If that you in there?
(RUSTLING)
This silent treatment is real mature.
(THUDDING)
And it is not fair that
you're acting this way
when you're the one who
should be apologizing!
Is the name of a great
podcast I just started.
Hey, Jaq. How you doing with your book?
Well, I haven't seen any
complete dill-holes yet,
so I still have 10.
Yeah. Me neither.
I probably won't have
to try too hard, though.
Okay, let's get you sorted.
(CHUCKLING)
You know what? You are going
to love this book, you know?
So important to read our
history so we don't repeat it.
Or write about it again. All
right, take care. All set.
I'm sorry, guys. That's
two down, eight to go.
- Easy peasy.
- Two down?! What the fu
Ew, gross. I'm not losing
to a guy who says "peasy."
- Seriously.
- Yeah.
Hi, you look like you
like explaining things.
- This is an excellent book.
- Hey, check this book.
- You are gonna love this.
- It's called Mansplaining.
You look like a nerd. Are you a nerd?
(CREAKING)
(CREAKING)
(GASPING)
The only way to topple the patriarchy
is by understanding it,
and the only way we can understand it is
by reading this book. Bam!
Are you reverse-mansplaining me?
I see what you did there,
but reverse oppression's not a thing.
Is this about how to stop
mansplaining or how to start?
Which is better?
Yeah, I'm gonna stick
with The Y Chromosome.
Oh, I just read that, it's amazing.
It's actually my staff
pick of the month.
And Mansplaining is next month?
No. Oh, no. It's not my pick.
Like, it's kinda I'm
just trying to, um
If you read it, it's a page turner.
Um, hi.
Welcome to Jameson.
We are showcasing some
titles around here.
Maybe this one catches your
eye. It's called Mansplaining.
- I guess
- Ah!
I've been looking for this!
Okay.
You have no idea how
important this book is.
(CHUCKLING) Okay, well, have a good day.
Going on break so I can throw up.
I saw that. Very impressive.
I love how you're connecting
with our community.
It's all Howard's fault. He's the worst.
Or the best.
Right this way to periodicals, good sir!
Oh, say. Are you into civil wars?
No, what I said.
Good news!
I got another book for you.
I really want these five books.
- Oh, take another one.
- You know I can't.
My parents have a very strict rule about
how many books I can take out at a time.
What's that over there?
(BEEPING)
Hey, you just scanned that book.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did. Take it off.
If my parents check my account,
they're going to ground me.
They won't check.
They check every time! Take it off!
I'll tell you what.
How about we don't scan
one of the other books so
it looks like you've only got
five in the system here?
And then what? I get
hooked on taking out six,
then seven, then nine?
Until Dad checks my book-bag
and I get busted with 10 hardcovers?
You know, it sounds like your
(SLAMMING)
Keep your gateway book.
Okay.
Thank you.
Unscanned. There you go.
Oops.
(GROANING)
Howard, question for you.
Yeah, anything. What do you need?
I just saw Jaq initiate a
conversation with a patron.
What's going on?
We're having a little contest,
and the winner gets paid
days off from the others.
Can you do that?
Yeah, Wendy's cool with it.
You know, she put me in
charge of the subcommittee.
Looks like someone's finally fitting in.
Hey, do you have lunch plans?
Do you want to get something to eat?
Yes! I mean, why not?
I mean, I like lunch.
Well, great. Coffee & Such?
We can walk over together.
Perfect.
You're definitely not peeing.
What gives?
Wendy, we have to talk eventually,
and I'd rather do it face to face.
You know I was just
looking out for you, right?
I actually care about your wellbeing.
Wendy?
All right, I'm getting the fob.
Oh, did you hear?
Two books left.
Seriously?! I still have six!
Seven.
No, that's it.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
She's pushing her book on our social!
That's the library's account, Jaq!
You gotta push all the books.
Well, then I guess you
should log in and make a post.
By the time I figure out how to do that,
all your books'll be gone!
Then I guess you should've
listened when I young-splained
social media to you.
Fine. Time to bring
out the heavy artillery.
Here today, scone tomorrow.
- Hm.
- Hah!
Okay, finally. Guess what?
I am about to go to lunch
in a minute with Sheila.
I know! She asked me.
Can you believe it?
That's huge. Are you nervous?
A little. What do you think?
Tuck or untuck?
You're a badass mother-tucker, Howie.
Okay, I know you meant
that sarcastically,
but I'm taking it as a compliment.
That means that you'll
be gone for a while.
- Perfect.
- Jaqueline, do not make me laugh.
I will be back soon enough
to wrap up this competition
in a neat little bow.
Yeah, probably.
I don't think my post about
mansplaining will get much
traction on a the Internet.
Oh, Howard. Howard's thinking,
"Sheila, day off, Sheila, day off."
Oh, a potential soul mate or
or a day to get paid to
delve into new exhibits.
Ugh! E pluribus unum, what to do!"
Now you're thinking,
"She's misusing Latin!
Do I correct her or go on my date?
Is this even a date?"
(GRUNTING MOCKINGLY)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
BRYCE: Okay. (CHUCKLING)
All right.
JAQ: Right over here, gentlemen.
Okay. One for you, and one for you,
and one for you, and
one for your friend?
Eh? You got a friend
who wants this? Yeah?
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Come on.
You guys don't want that book.
It's marked. There's a lady lib group
that tracks any man that checks it out,
and if they catch you
(CLICKING, POPPING)
Okay, don't listen to him,
and I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
He learned how to make those in prison.
They're three-ingredient scones.
One of the ingredients is butter.
They are They are delicious!
This is discrimination, Jaq!
Get your books here!
How to Beat Any Nintendo 64 Game!
Like, all of them!
- MAN: Hey, dawg! Dawg!
- Yeah? Yeah?
Cut it with all that noise,
fam! This a library, dawg.
Sorry, sorry.
MAN: And why them scones so dry?!
They too dry even for scones, fam!
Okay, I-I am sorry, but,
um, now it seems like
you're being the loud one.
MAN: Touche.
HOWARD: Thanks for lunch.
It's nothing.
Thanks for saying yes.
Hey, you two want some carrot muffins?
Mom.
It's okay. My mom's a food pusher too.
We're fine, thank you.
Oh, she don't care about feeding us.
Why you pushing muffins, Old Lady?
(SUCKING TEETH)
Your fool of a father
bought an extra dozen.
They gon' expire. Take them, no?
Mom, we're good. Leave us now.
I'll bring six.
You can take them back to the library.
Hey, how come I never see
your mom and dad here together?
I mean, I know they're divorced,
but it can't be that bad.
Oh, it's bad. Like,
stabbed-in-the-leg bad.
So, did she stab him or did he stab her?
Mm. Yes.
Oh, God.
Well, then I'm glad that I dodged
the whole marriage bullet.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to be insensitive.
I know that things are kind
of rough with you and your ex.
It's okay. The divorce
is almost official now.
- Really?
- DANE: Really?
Dane! I mean, Dane, this is Sheila.
Sheila, this is Dane.
Would you excuse me for one second?
Yeah.
Dude, I am so sorry. I totally forgot,
but Sheila asked me to lunch.
I took two streetcars here, dude. Two.
You poor thing. I'm so sorry.
I promise I'll make it up to you.
But it's good to see you as usual!
You know what? Try a muffin, carrot.
Does he want to join us?
Uh, no. He's got one too
many streetcars to ride.
No, no, no, no, no. You
can't send these out yourself.
That doesn't count, right?
Oh, I know.
These are perfect for your LAN party.
LAN party?
You're not the only one who knows
how to use the Internet, Jaq.
Ever hear of Reddit?
Have you?
Have a great day.
- No, don't
- One book left.
- No. No, no.
- (IMITATING EXPLOSION)
The key fob is in here
somewhere, I know it.
(GROANING)
(KNOCKING) Wendy, open up!
It's too far now.
Do you want me to get the tools?
(GROANING)
No, Ervin. It's okay. Thank you.
I'm sorry. Okay? I'm I'm sorry.
I didn't know that
finding you a place to live
would be such a terrible thing.
It took forever to get
you into that program.
Oh
I over-stepped, didn't I?
You know me. I'm passionate. I
I don't know why this
isn't a good thing for you,
but I'm listening now.
(THUMPING)
So, what's up?
(THUMPING)
(LOUD CRASHING)
Wendy?
Wendy!
(KNOCKING) Wendy!
Stay alive!
Hey, you look like a
loser. In a good way.
WENDY: Help! Help, it's Wendy!
We gotta get that washroom open!
What happened?!
I don't know. I think she collapsed.
The door is stuck.
Oh, no. I am not a ginger beer guy.
You trust me?
That's a trick question. So, yes.
Have at it.
- Mm!
- (LAUGHING)
Wow. That tastes like a temperature.
It's good to know that you trust me.
I'm not sure I do anymore.
I miss joking with people.
It's been a while.
Well, what happened with Adonis?
I'm just not the person I
was when I was 23. You know?
Yeah.
Huh.
What?
My ex, I think that, well,
maybe she might be in the same boat.
You know. The S.S. I've Outgrown You.
(LAUGHING)
I'm sure it wasn't the same thing.
Look, I'm not upset anymore.
She was right.
Just took me a while to see it.
How long did it take you?
Just now.
Well, personally, I think you're
a really good guy, you know?
You're smart, you're attentive,
you're easy to talk to.
So easy that I forgot the
reason that I asked you to lunch.
I am taking my finals soon
and I need help studying.
It's weird, I know, but you
just are so detail-oriented,
you know all that Latin
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Tu in me.
You in me?
No, no! "Tu in me."
It's Latin for "you can
depend on me." I'll help.
Oh. Oh, okay. Thank you.
It would mean seeing me outside of work.
Well, look, I think I'll manage.
- (SPITTING)
- (LAUGHING)
You got a soft throat.
(BEEPING)
(SNAPPING FINGERS)
What's going on here?
Wendy's in there, we think she's hurt.
Okay, almost got it, and Yeah!
(GASPING)
Wendy?
(ALL GASPING)
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jaq, say something to it.
I'm Native, not a (BLEEP) superhero!
HOWARD: It's staring right at me.
Easy, Howie.
(GROWLING)
- Oh
- Oh, my God.
Everybody, just don't
worry. Don't sweat.
- BRYCE: It can smell confusion!
- (OVERLAPPING SCREAMS)
BRYCE: Cover your bits! Cover your bits!
Open the door, Howard!
- HOWARD: No!
- BRYCE: You're right next to it!
Where's Wendy?
I don't know.
Wendy was a raccoon.
Oh, how was lunch?
Good, not great.
Hey, team. Looks like that raccoon was
living in our ceiling for a while.
Mm.
Would explain the smell.
But, hey! Thank you so
much for the book push!
Watching you all engage with
our community was exactly
what I needed today, plus
or minus a toilet raccoon.
Well, it was our pleasure.
Oh, and Dottie called.
She's tracking the books
and she is so happy.
Dottie is happy that books
about the South winning
the Civil War are moving?
Mm-hm.
Wendy, I don't think this
Dottie is a good friend for you.
Oh, she's adorbs. You would love her.
She is a part-time archer!
- Sorry, part-time?
- Why would I love that?
I'm starting to think Dottie's not real.
- Oh, yeah. No, totally!
- That she exists.
It makes sense that she doesn't exist,
because I don't understand
(MEOWING)
Have you done this before or?
Uh, something like this.
There it is. I was looking for that.
- Thank you, Saint Anthony.
- Wendy!
Geez!
I'm so sorry. I I overstepped.
I promise I will consult you
if I ever do anything like that again.
Good, because you don't
know what's best for me,
and that place you got me
is wrong for a hundred reasons.
A hundred reasons?
It's outside of the city.
All my health resources
are here in Parkdale.
All my food resources.
All my friends are here.
Aww, we're your friends.
Don't make me regret this.
Listen, I've done programs like that
and they always end badly.
Okay.
But where have you been all day?
As you know, once a year
me and my squad go
through Drake's garbage.
(GASPING) Drake Day!
Has it been a year already?
Oh, and this year his trash was lit.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Check this out.
- I found this.
- Oh.
It's an Aubrey.
- Wow.
- Yes.
What's it for?
I have no idea.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Maybe he got it for wearing
those skinny little beards.
- Oh, the skinny beards to match the skinny jeans.
- Yes.
It's almost home time.
Looks like it's gonna
end in a tie, guys.
Mm-hm. Oh, Howard, we
forgot to tell you that
your friend came by earlier.
He knows. He knows.
Dane, you came back.
Do you wanna grab some dinner?
Mm, got plans. I'm gonna curl
up with this book tonight.
(GASPING)
- No, no. No, no, no, no, no.
- Um, no. We've got other books.
Exactly. I promise you,
you don't know what you're doing.
Oh, I do.
BRYCE: Bag it and tag it, Howie. Woo!
Dane, I mean. There's
two other books here.
You haven't left the library yet.
Technically, you haven't gotten it.
You can change your
mind, it's not too late!
(HUMMING RHYTHMICALLY)
JAQ: Oh, my.
(HUMMING RHYTHMICALLY)
Ooh! (GRUNTING)
JAQ: No.
MAN: You happy now?