Sin City Saints (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

Phoenix brings it up, Billy Crane all by himself on the wing, Billy has been calling for the ball all night, Crane o for 11 from behind the arc, One more miss and he sets the record, Record are, Meant to be broke, And with that dunk the saints lose 103-74, Say what you want about Jake Doug's team, Okay, I'll say it, The team's a joke, Wait a minute, I wasn't finished talking, And I don't know how keeps his job, okay? Wu Lee is a bust- And he's probably the worst import from China since the and baby food, Hey please come back, we will win, okay? Doug's got to go, That's pretty Game of Thrones of you to just want to chop someone's head off, He's lost control of the team, Oh come on, that's not true, I'll put my foot up your ass, you wormy little prick, Easy big fella, Then fuck yourself with a banana! Yeah, I took a little Mandarin in college, and bananas are more for smoothies than companionship, right? Oh, well then maybe you can understand this, Okay, maybe it's a little true, On the plus side, it seems like Wu is assimilating to America pretty well, I'm not gonna fire Doug, Archie Henderson is interested, So, he took a bunch of slow, white, scrappy overachievers to the final four, Who gives a shit? You could win this next year, I think we could win this this year, Right, with your star player screwing your other star player's mom, Did you handle that? I handled it, Like a boss, Jake, I can't break it off, There isn't a woman in the world like her, There's like 800 million women exactly like her, Come on yo, she's my boo, All right, just do what you gotta do, just make sure you keep her your ancient Chinese secret, all right? All right, Great, you grew a pair, now fire Doug, I'm not a big firing guy, I'd rather teach and lead, Just lob off the loser's head and be done with it,, Wow, why don't you just take him to the roof of the arena, and just push him right off, Go for it we're insured, This is why people love me, and they, I don't wanna say it, but I will anyway, They hate you, You know, how some people are paranoid? You're pronoid, where you think everybody likes you, They do, That's all I hear, We love you, Jake! Sure, to your face, You saying people don't love me from behind? I'm sending your jet to bring in Henderson, No way, Middle seat, connecting flight, coach, Coach for the coach, You really think everyone likes you, Where do you hear that people don't like me, that's untrue, I treat everybody with dignity and respect, You have to disrespect them, rob them of their dignity, That sounds more like you, Thow a tantrum, I don't know, It's basic leadership, I did it at Matterhorn, You pick the weakest player, and you go after him to show the others your dominance, I do ti to Byron all the time, I've never been much of a tantrum guy, It's one of my wife's triggers in therapy that I hold everything inside, Dusty thinks you lost control of the team, Well, I have, completely, They won't even let me use my whistle in practice anymore, I gotta raise my hand, Then do something about it, What would I say? Just become a pure, unadulterated rage monster, I don't know, I like to let my rage simmer inside, eating away at me like a cancer, Rip the door off a locker, Threaten someone's wife, Whatever, Listen, I went to college with this guy whose dad was a bench warmer at Indiana, He said that one night after a bad game, Bobby Knight shows up to practice late, He lines everybody up on the base line, and puts a basketball at the foul line and says, here's what I think of how you guys played last night, drops his pants, and takes a dump on the ball, A true shit fit, Would you like me to take a shit on a ball, Jake? What if I miss? What if I have rice the night before, and I can't shit? What if I shit too much? I'm not a magician, I'm not saying to do that, I'm just saying, here's an incredibly gross example, of a tantrum from a coach who won three national championships, Create your own tantrum! It's like an omelet station, but with insults, I don't know, It will totally work, I'll bet my watch against your, you have nothing I want, Jay, Jay, Doug's not running my system, And I know you and Dusty are like arch enemies, Superman and Lex Luthor stuff but I agree with her, Doug has completely checked out, Absolutely, Wait, I'm Superman in that, right? I think Henderson could be the answer, See, this is why I love you, We are, as an organization, circling the bowl right down the toilet, But, you are this feisty little turd just struggling to stay afloat, I really do love you, Thank you for comparing me to a determined turd, Yeah, Hello, tiny man with big bling, What's he doing? Why is he here? I like, forgot to tell you, no other team would pick him up, so I brought him back, I like him, he's friends with my weed guy, and we'll need an enforcer for when LaDarius comes back, The guy had a machete in his locker, a machete, Jay! He's a merchandising dream, Idea, we will sell white bald caps and fake Artok beards at swag stands, Oh, and those little Oyo dolls, It's endless, Oh, Oh, Melissa, Yeah, Get ready to be thrilled, I have an extra ticket to a charity event on Friday night, and I want you to be my date, Kevin will pick you up at eight, Friday is bad for me, Bad how? I have plans, You know, I have to do laundry and wash my hair, Also my cat? It's a wash night, It's a, it's a wash night? I can't, Sorry, I have to help Alyssa wash her hat, What? Cat, Cat, Taking Ms, Wu, Out, Friday? Yeah, Friday, So we're gonna party super hard man, and it's Friday night, If you, Friday, thank you, but that's my one bad night, I've have to go babysit my cousin, Maybe after that, you can go help Melissa wash her cat, A charity event with you? I'd rather help Melissa wash her cat with Byron's creepy cousin, Sapphire, what's going on Friday night? Oh, it's Melissa and Byron's game night, They have a game night? No, Sapphire? Yes, They never invited you, which is why I was supposed to lie, but then when you mentioned it, I thought someone did! Which, obviously, they didn't invite you? Did they not like me or something? No, They like you, They just don't game night like you, Fine, Fine, I'm totally fine, I, I don't, I don't need to be included, I don't want to be included, I do the including, I'm the includer, Jake the Includer, that's me, Would you like me to put that new title on your business cards? That's the 1-3-1, We could just take it from, hey, guys, could you gather 'round a second? Aw, man, Can we just gather on in here? You know, I get the feeling we haven't been giving a full effort lately, You know, Thomas Paine once said, character is more easily kept than recovered, Wrote a pamphlet called The Rights of Man, I really think our character is lacking of late, And it's really starting to piss me off! Assholes! Wow, the Saints win by 12! That was in spite, Okay, way to go fellas, go have fun tonight, I left the morning after pill in all your lockers, Are your congratulations always so rapey? Hey hey hey, we don't use the R word, okay, this is a workplace, not a frat house, Congratulations, Doug, Hey, it was almost sincere, Jake, you really motivated me, I spoke from my heart, that's how poets and artists must feel every day, I really let it out! Sure did, Whoa, Why are we running so damn slow? Huh? What were you your boyfriend last night for sake? I when I tell you to get loose balls, go get loose balls, You, you love more than playing ball, Don't stand around like a bunch of sucking, mother chode snarfing, ball with up your asses, We've got to show some effort dammit, If we don't I'm going to find out where every one of you mother live, And I'm going to go, and I'm going to your dogs and your fish, I'm going to your dog fish, Do you have parrots? I'm going to bang that bird until it screams my name, the parrot, You think there's gonna be ramifications? But to be fair, we did win, You know what we need to do, Yes, the sanctity of the locker room has been broken, we need to find the leak, No, now we have to fire him, Yeah, of course we're gonna fire him, he's like one of those Duck Dynasty guys with a whistle, They have whistles too, Okay, I didn't think it through, You just love this, don't you? Well, love is a strong word, but it is the one I would use, yeah, Hm, So, do you want me to bring in Henderson? No, You're always jumping the gun on stuff, I will handle the coaching situation, In a careful, thoughtful manner, Mm, You just worry about looking hot and being mean to me, Every gay rights organization in America is calling, and multiple Asian rights ones, And PETA, Because of the dog rape thing, Again, we won! Coach Doug Phelps' homophobic, profanity-laced tirade has gone viral, and a press conference has been scheduled for later today, Word is, the disgraced coach will resign, I'm sorry, Man, I couldn't do the other thing you said, and by the time I had to go, the ball had already rolled away, What the hell is he talking about? No idea, He's a mad man, The court's not even level out there, Look, I did just like you said, I got mad, And it felt really great, Yeah, Then I realized I've been watching Fox news all day and I don't know, It's like I got possessed by a homophobic devil, Okay, We have an airtight defense, I got a gay cousin, I go fishing with him all the time, Gay cousin, Bob, Yeah, We love that guy, Yeah, Doug, you need to resign, There's no other way, I'm sorry, buddy, We're gonna put you on leave and schedule the press conference, Yeah, We're sorry, Doug, You know, save your bullshit, You've been gunning for me, You win, Okay, Doug, Her and her- Come on, I know, Trust me, Dresses and shit, You might want to consider sensitivity training, Oh, for fu-, Hey, I went, It was very helpful, It was taught by this delightful post-op transsexual human being and, I paid him five grand to let me see his junk, her junk, It was a mess, Anyway, good luck brother, you can't say I didn't try, All right then, Sorry I embarrassed you, Guess this is goodbye, Yeah, Well, maybe I'll see you around game night if they ever invite you, They invite a known homophobe and not me, Okay guys, ready to go? So I thought we'd play mafia? Oh, we did that last time, What about charades? Oh, my doctor said I can't run, can't afford to lose anymore weight, Okay, Hey, has anyone heard from Ladarius? He RSVPed but hasn't been around all day, I am he that aches with love, Does not all matter, aching, attract all matter? Oh, Hello Jake, Know that all that beer and the snacks is all, it's just for me because I can't keep my weight on, I hate you, Malnutrition is a serious condition, you know, I have to sleep with a white noise machine, otherwise, I can hear my bones, Hey, gang, I know it's Friday night, but we have a work emergency, This coach thing is huge for us, Doug is stepping down effective immediately, and we need to do a comprehensive search to find a new coach, Don't you guys do that? No, you do that! We need a total team effort, I want a spreadsheet with all possible candidates, College, pro, global, current contracts, personal histories, et cetera, But I thought Archie Henderson was practically a done deal, Dusty said-, No, He's Dusty's choice, I need my choices, We're gonna shut the door and order pizzas on me, I will need a whole pizza, And after that we're gonna have a meeting to find out who shot that video, Which is it? What shall we do first? Both tasks are equally important to us, it's gonna be a long night, Oh, I had to make a very hard decision to cancel my charity event that benefits blind children, They cook the dinner themselves, it's inedible, but it's beautiful, And now thanks to this very real emergency, there's gonna be a lot of sad blind children tonight, Can't they just tell the children he's there? Guys, gather around, Wanna give you a heads up on something, Hey Jake, who are you gonna hire as coach? Cuz I got a list of guys that we don't want, No, Not Mike Brown, And definitely not Mike Donaghy, All right, calm down, okay? Who do you want? Well we don't want a coach that runs the triangle, or the 212 high post, cuz we don't have a forward that can shoot, You've got great leadership skills, Billy, you're gonna be the coach until we find somebody, For real? Oh, yeah, I mean if you can run two Billy's Burgers you can handle being player/coach for a few games, I was thinking about running three, We're not gonna negotiate that now, Are you guys good with that? Yeah, Oh, man, this is awesome! So this is my team? Yeah, yeah, 100%, All right guys, here we go, To-, 60%, On to the issue of who leaked the video, We know who did it, Man up, come clean, Don't make me count to three, Please, this is just, come on, Okay, One, Two, I don't wanna say two again, fellas, Three, You don't know, do you? I have no idea, What are we gonna do? I don't know, I've only been the coach for like a minute, What do these guys hate? Low doorways, paternity tests, Of, course, R-tok is allergic to parsley, No, what else? I got it, I got it, Yeah? LIsten up! Listen up, This is your last chance to come forward, or else you run it, All right, fine, line it up, suicides now, let's go, Come on, let's go! You're not gonna run? I'm running the team, Wu, now get your ass over there and start running, Your team Billy, I will keep you guys running for hours, I don't care if we all miss game night, Go! Damn it, We can still salvage game night, He knows, You think? Of course, he knows, he hasn't worked past 5 o'clock since he passed out drunk at his desk and woke at 5:01, Oh, my God, He's gonna hate me, I should have never listened to you, Byron, Well, I'm just gonna tell him, But that's what he wants, He wants to tear us apart, I knew we should've just invited him, We flew too close to the sun, Relax, we need to stick to the story, Melissa's stupid story about washing her cat? Shut up, I'm not good on my feet, He's gonna fire all of us, He's a psycho, He stomped on my birthday cake, Shut up about your cake, it's done! Okay, gang what did we come up with? We have 70 coaching candidates, and as far as the league, We've made a list of everyone who was in the locker room, Look at that, Byron was in there, and Melissa wasn't, No, but I do love it in there, The plush carpets, the symmetrical cubbies, the smooth mahogany, There isn't any mahogany in there, Oh, yes, there is, What were you doing in the locker room, Byron? I was showing coach Doug something on the whiteboard, You know, if we're talking motive here Byron certainly makes sense, Doug wasn't running your system, and you decided to take matters into your own tiny, little baby hands, This is ridiculous, Is it? Is it ridiculous, Byron? Thou dost protest too much, I say it was Byron in the locker room with the cellphone, Yeah, maybe, Yeah, I see it, That makes sense, Your pals can all see it, Stop it, This is getting hurtful now, Hurtful? Who knows anything about being hurtful? This isn't hurtful, this is fun, It's just a group of us gathered together, having snacks and beer, solving a mystery, It's like a, a game, I guess, And it's at night, Oh, guys, it's game night, I'm sorry we didn't invite you, okay? For the record I was on the fence, As a new member of the group I was all for inviting you, Have I done something to you? Do you care to enlighten me about the flaw in my character that would make you lie to me, and exclude me? What is it? No you're great, Jake, you just tend to, I can't say it, I don't understand what's wrong with everyone, I find you delightful, You always make everything all about you, Yeah, and we just wanted some time, just us, away from work, And you're th boss, and when you're around, it's weird, And we wanted something that wasn't about you, and how much money you have, and how cool you are, Is that how I come across? A little bit, Yeah, pretty much, Pretty much, Yeah, pretty much my damn Eddie, Wow, just wow, I thought you all liked me, Fine, if that's how it's gotta be, Just know this really hurt my feelings, How did you know? Doug Phelps has been a loyal member of this organization, however, in light of the recent unfortunate incident, he has asked to make statement, Thank you, Ooh, this isn't easy, First of all I'd like to apologize to the gay community, as well as my lovely wife, Donna and our two lovely boys, Tucker and Baylor, as well as the rest of my family especially my cousin, Bob, In trying to motivate the team I said some hurtful and awful things, But let me just say that there's a reason behind this, I have struggled with this for years, and it's time for the truth to finally come out, The truth is, I'm gay, Yes, That's probably the reason that I've had these feelings inside of me, this repression and anger, and rage, I've been living a lie that's finally erupted, But with the help of counseling and the blessing of my team, I feel I can represent the Saints as the first openly gay coach in pro sports history, Well played, my friend, You're a visionary! You have the first gay coach in sports history, Openly gay, Okay, can we stop the charade and just get the deal done? Oh, oops, I'm gonna need a three-year extension at 7 million, Oh, and better wardrobe now that I'm out of the closet, And my divorce, gonna be expensive, but worth it, Congrats, Doug, Hm, you know I feel like a weight has been lifted, Hm, enjoy being gay, because if you so much as look at, think about, or smell a woman and get the slightest bit aroused I will crush you, Too late, So just so you know, my sexual orientation doesn't change a thing, Don't worry, I'm not gonna look at your wieners in the shower, for God's sake, Good news is that none of you are my type, But if anybody has a problem with me liking whoever I wanna like- Come talk to me, I'm the coach, my door is always open, Look, let's go out there tonight and give a full 48 minute effort, okay? Let's go get fabulous on their asses, huh? Huh? Come on, bring it in, bring it in, Go Saint on three, One, two, three, Go Saints! Okay, maybe a little true, On the plus side it seems like Louis is, is is Chinese, Everybody loves me, I treat everyone with dignity and respect, And I don't like that either, Jake, Jake Yahoo!