Single Long (2012) s01e05 Episode Script
Joe
1
Ayla:
Joe? You would
fucking hate Joe.
- Pete: Why?
- Ayla: He's an asshole.
Pete:
Oh, great, so you're
one of those girls
who's only attracted
to assholes?
- That's bullshit.
That's never true.
- No!
Okay, okay, he wasn't
just an asshole.
Like, I don't know
we had fun together.
It's hard to just
have fun like that
with anyone, you know?
(laughs)
Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
(screams)
(laughs)
Good to see you.
Hey.
(grunting)
- You know what?
This isn't embarrassing.
- I almost got it.
Gosh,
you're getting heavy.
And my back hurts.
I'm getting old.
- I can't lift you anymore.
- Mm-hmm.
My mom says I can't
lift heavy things
or else I won't
get pregnant.
Do you wanna give it
another shot, then?
- 'Cause
- Shut up.
I like this.
I like the gray.
Oh, it's nice of you
to point that out
so quickly.
- I like this.
It's very hipster, I think.
- Hipster?
- Yeah, no
- I'm not a hipster.
It's no secret
that you've had a bad day,
dear friend ♪
(vocalizing)
Whoa-oh-oh-ohh. ♪
Ayla:
It was like a train ride.
It was nice.
Pete:
What does that mean,
"like a train ride"?
Ayla:
Like it was a passing nice.
Like, I can fall
for a nice train ride
easier than most people.
Pete:
That does not mean anything.
That does not mean
a single thing in the world.
Pete, I am baring
my soul here.
Pete:
I could jump
into the ocean
faster than a rooster
tells time.
Ayla:
Pete, I'm gonna
fucking kill you.
Just bend over.
Not all the way.
Just three-quarters.
Just three-quarters
so you're touching me.
- That's it. That's it.
That's it.
- Shut up.
- I love waiting
in line with you.
- You're pushing
That's perfect.
That's what I meant
when I said bend over.
Can we get out of here?
'Cause I'd really like to eat
while it's still lunchtime.
- Sure, let's get out of here.
- All right, cool.
- I know a place that's
really close to here.
- Okay, cool. Let's go.
Remember, um,
when you used to make me
those mini-pizzas on the
- Both: English muffins.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I used to get
all the ingredients
from the kitchen at work.
- Mm-hmm.
- And that jalapeño garlic one?
Oh, my God,
that one was the best.
That's my jam right there.
Remember that time
you were fingering me
after you cut up jalapeños?
Yeah, that was
really pretty disastrous
for all parties
involved right there.
Yeah, yeah.
I was trying to seduce you
with that dinner,
and it was going
pretty well.
- It was going pretty well.
- It was, it was.
I'm not gonna lie.
I was feeling it.
I was so close to doing
everything right that night,
but then
set your crotch on fire
with the jalapeño oil.
- I made sure
I've never done it again.
- (radio blaring)
Lesson learned.
Wow, this music
is really loud.
Want me to ask 'em
to turn it down?
Because I would
do that for you.
No. I actually like
this song.
This song's the tits.
The tits?
It is the tits.
You're getting up
and you're dancing.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
- I'm gonna film you.
- (laughs) Are you really?
- You're gonna film it?
- Absolutely.
- All right, they're gonna
see what I got.
- Absolutely.
(music continues)
Watch me get low.
Give it to me.
You gotta dance.
You gotta dance.
- Come on.
- You want me to dance?
I don't even like this
oh, my God.
(music drowns dialogue)
We had fun.
I feel like
it just happened,
you know?
It wasn't forced.
It wasn't intimidating.
'Cause if it is, I'll run.
I'll run like a motherfucker.
- (Pete laughs)
- Yeah.
Um, but I don't
I don't know.
I guess
I guess with him,
I never really felt
beautiful.
I don't know.
I guess
he never made me
feel that way.
I actually remember
feeling ugly,
which is weird 'cause
I'm such hot shit, right?
But, yeah, I remember
feeling that way,
and I couldn't really
get perspective for a while.
So that was sucky.
(music playing)
You know, he's actually
pretty cute.
Yeah, it's a she
and her name is Baby.
And no one puts Baby
in a corner.
Why don't you do
a little dance?
Like a dance?
Like a little jig?
Like a striptease
or something.
Oh, I am not good
I am not good at stripping.
I'm not a stripper.
I'm gonna like
whatever you do.
Ah ♪
Such timid young ones ♪
Come closer, son ♪
And love someone ♪
Ah ♪
Such timid young things ♪
With mush for brains ♪
I'm just the same ♪
- (giggles)
- (vocalizing)
(Joe snickers)
- (snickers)
- Are you laughing?
Shut up.
Are you shut up!
I'm gonna
I'm gonna kill you!
- Pitted ♪
- Shut up.
Against ♪
My best friends ♪
And enemies ♪
Ugh.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. ♪
(clipper buzzing)
- Morning.
- I was wondering why
you were rubbing a vibrator
on the side of your head.
Then I realized
you were shaving.
- I wish it was a vibrator.
- Mm-hmm.
I've always wanted
to see you rub a vibrator
on the side of your head.
- Let me do this. Really.
- No, no, no, no. I'm done.
- You're fucking up.
- I am done with it.
But if you're done,
then that's really weird
'cause it looks awful.
No, I got it.
I do it every day.
- I'm fine.
- Every day?
You would think you would
be better about it.
- No, here, just
- (cell phone buzzing)
Joe:
Ooh, Pete
is contacting you.
Who's Pete?
Is Pete
one of the other men?
Oh, my God.
You harlot.
Pete is just a friend.
- Pete is a friend?
- Yeah.
I think you know my opinions
about those guys.
Friends?
I can't have
any guy friends?
Mm, no.
I mean, they just
can't have girlfriends
because they all
wanna bang you.
You're kind of cute
when you're jealous.
I'm not cute all the time
because I'm definitely
not jealous right now.
- You are.
- I'm not.
- You are.
- You are beautiful.
You know, you never
really made me feel beautiful
when we were dating.
Yeah, duh.
You should, um
you should take me
on a date sometime.
Mm-hmm.
- Like a date date.
- Yeah?
And like plan it out
to the theater
or something.
(British accent)
The theater.
And then you need
to ask me
if I wanna go
on a date with you.
I'll be all like,
"Ayla, will you go
on a date with me?"
Well, if you play
your cards right,
then I might
just say yes.
And, damn,
you'd be so lucky.
And you
made me come so hard
last night.
I made myself
come so hard last night.
Joe, I haven't
I haven't
I haven't even liked
anyone since you.
And, I don't know
like, you're Joe, you know?
And you're stubborn
and you don't think
I'm funny all the time
and you don't give a shit.
You're all I want.
I don't even
I don't even know
what else I want besides
besides you.
And you made me come
so hard last night.
Like, damn.
Ahem, I got
that boss-dick thang, girl.
- Joe, look at me.
- What?
What?
Do you believe in me?
In me
like in my talent,
in comedy, my writing.
All you've got
sometimes is, like
like a feeling,
you know?
It's the only reason why
I keep doing what I do.
So, like, do I believe
you're gonna make it?
You mean like make it
make it, like on TV?
Ayla, I mean, you're
the funniest girl I know,
but that's
like 10 people ever
who make it there.
I mean, come on.
Ayla.
Ayla, come don't
I'm gonna get a refill.
Stay right there.
You want some?
Do you want
some fresh water?
It's from the tap,
but it's really good tap water.
At least have
come on.
What the why the
what the fuck just happened?
Motherfucker!
Ayla, you didn't
even pay.
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing!
Don't give me that shit.
Something is clearly up.
I can tell.
Oh, my fucking God.
You can?
- That's crazy that
you can pick up on that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got a real sixth sense
for people losing their
minds during brunch.
Okay, I'm going this way.
I'll see you later.
I thought we were
hanging out today.
Yeah, me, too.
Bye!
I have no idea
what's going on right now
because I can't read
your crazy mind.
- (train horn blaring)
- You are such an asshole!
- You are such
a fucking asshole!
- (bell ringing)
I have absolutely no idea
what is going on right now
Fuck you up the ass
so fucking hard!
other than you're
losing your mind in public.
And you never apologized
for giving me herpes!
- Fucking herpes!
- Nine out of 10 people
are carriers
that are sexually active.
- No, fuck you!
- They carry the virus and
I just have never shown it.
I'm really glad
that everybody here
knows that.
Thanks for doing this
at brunch time!
- Perfect.
- Fuck fuck you!
I never
don't call me.
Don't ever call me again.
I never wanna see you!
Joe, don't get
on that train.
You better come here
and make me feel better.
Joe, don't get
on that train.
I'm serious.
Don't do this to me, you
Seriously.
(music playing)
Ayla:
Joe? You would
fucking hate Joe.
- Pete: Why?
- Ayla: He's an asshole.
Pete:
Oh, great, so you're
one of those girls
who's only attracted
to assholes?
- That's bullshit.
That's never true.
- No!
Okay, okay, he wasn't
just an asshole.
Like, I don't know
we had fun together.
It's hard to just
have fun like that
with anyone, you know?
(laughs)
Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
(screams)
(laughs)
Good to see you.
Hey.
(grunting)
- You know what?
This isn't embarrassing.
- I almost got it.
Gosh,
you're getting heavy.
And my back hurts.
I'm getting old.
- I can't lift you anymore.
- Mm-hmm.
My mom says I can't
lift heavy things
or else I won't
get pregnant.
Do you wanna give it
another shot, then?
- 'Cause
- Shut up.
I like this.
I like the gray.
Oh, it's nice of you
to point that out
so quickly.
- I like this.
It's very hipster, I think.
- Hipster?
- Yeah, no
- I'm not a hipster.
It's no secret
that you've had a bad day,
dear friend ♪
(vocalizing)
Whoa-oh-oh-ohh. ♪
Ayla:
It was like a train ride.
It was nice.
Pete:
What does that mean,
"like a train ride"?
Ayla:
Like it was a passing nice.
Like, I can fall
for a nice train ride
easier than most people.
Pete:
That does not mean anything.
That does not mean
a single thing in the world.
Pete, I am baring
my soul here.
Pete:
I could jump
into the ocean
faster than a rooster
tells time.
Ayla:
Pete, I'm gonna
fucking kill you.
Just bend over.
Not all the way.
Just three-quarters.
Just three-quarters
so you're touching me.
- That's it. That's it.
That's it.
- Shut up.
- I love waiting
in line with you.
- You're pushing
That's perfect.
That's what I meant
when I said bend over.
Can we get out of here?
'Cause I'd really like to eat
while it's still lunchtime.
- Sure, let's get out of here.
- All right, cool.
- I know a place that's
really close to here.
- Okay, cool. Let's go.
Remember, um,
when you used to make me
those mini-pizzas on the
- Both: English muffins.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I used to get
all the ingredients
from the kitchen at work.
- Mm-hmm.
- And that jalapeño garlic one?
Oh, my God,
that one was the best.
That's my jam right there.
Remember that time
you were fingering me
after you cut up jalapeños?
Yeah, that was
really pretty disastrous
for all parties
involved right there.
Yeah, yeah.
I was trying to seduce you
with that dinner,
and it was going
pretty well.
- It was going pretty well.
- It was, it was.
I'm not gonna lie.
I was feeling it.
I was so close to doing
everything right that night,
but then
set your crotch on fire
with the jalapeño oil.
- I made sure
I've never done it again.
- (radio blaring)
Lesson learned.
Wow, this music
is really loud.
Want me to ask 'em
to turn it down?
Because I would
do that for you.
No. I actually like
this song.
This song's the tits.
The tits?
It is the tits.
You're getting up
and you're dancing.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
- I'm gonna film you.
- (laughs) Are you really?
- You're gonna film it?
- Absolutely.
- All right, they're gonna
see what I got.
- Absolutely.
(music continues)
Watch me get low.
Give it to me.
You gotta dance.
You gotta dance.
- Come on.
- You want me to dance?
I don't even like this
oh, my God.
(music drowns dialogue)
We had fun.
I feel like
it just happened,
you know?
It wasn't forced.
It wasn't intimidating.
'Cause if it is, I'll run.
I'll run like a motherfucker.
- (Pete laughs)
- Yeah.
Um, but I don't
I don't know.
I guess
I guess with him,
I never really felt
beautiful.
I don't know.
I guess
he never made me
feel that way.
I actually remember
feeling ugly,
which is weird 'cause
I'm such hot shit, right?
But, yeah, I remember
feeling that way,
and I couldn't really
get perspective for a while.
So that was sucky.
(music playing)
You know, he's actually
pretty cute.
Yeah, it's a she
and her name is Baby.
And no one puts Baby
in a corner.
Why don't you do
a little dance?
Like a dance?
Like a little jig?
Like a striptease
or something.
Oh, I am not good
I am not good at stripping.
I'm not a stripper.
I'm gonna like
whatever you do.
Ah ♪
Such timid young ones ♪
Come closer, son ♪
And love someone ♪
Ah ♪
Such timid young things ♪
With mush for brains ♪
I'm just the same ♪
- (giggles)
- (vocalizing)
(Joe snickers)
- (snickers)
- Are you laughing?
Shut up.
Are you shut up!
I'm gonna
I'm gonna kill you!
- Pitted ♪
- Shut up.
Against ♪
My best friends ♪
And enemies ♪
Ugh.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. ♪
(clipper buzzing)
- Morning.
- I was wondering why
you were rubbing a vibrator
on the side of your head.
Then I realized
you were shaving.
- I wish it was a vibrator.
- Mm-hmm.
I've always wanted
to see you rub a vibrator
on the side of your head.
- Let me do this. Really.
- No, no, no, no. I'm done.
- You're fucking up.
- I am done with it.
But if you're done,
then that's really weird
'cause it looks awful.
No, I got it.
I do it every day.
- I'm fine.
- Every day?
You would think you would
be better about it.
- No, here, just
- (cell phone buzzing)
Joe:
Ooh, Pete
is contacting you.
Who's Pete?
Is Pete
one of the other men?
Oh, my God.
You harlot.
Pete is just a friend.
- Pete is a friend?
- Yeah.
I think you know my opinions
about those guys.
Friends?
I can't have
any guy friends?
Mm, no.
I mean, they just
can't have girlfriends
because they all
wanna bang you.
You're kind of cute
when you're jealous.
I'm not cute all the time
because I'm definitely
not jealous right now.
- You are.
- I'm not.
- You are.
- You are beautiful.
You know, you never
really made me feel beautiful
when we were dating.
Yeah, duh.
You should, um
you should take me
on a date sometime.
Mm-hmm.
- Like a date date.
- Yeah?
And like plan it out
to the theater
or something.
(British accent)
The theater.
And then you need
to ask me
if I wanna go
on a date with you.
I'll be all like,
"Ayla, will you go
on a date with me?"
Well, if you play
your cards right,
then I might
just say yes.
And, damn,
you'd be so lucky.
And you
made me come so hard
last night.
I made myself
come so hard last night.
Joe, I haven't
I haven't
I haven't even liked
anyone since you.
And, I don't know
like, you're Joe, you know?
And you're stubborn
and you don't think
I'm funny all the time
and you don't give a shit.
You're all I want.
I don't even
I don't even know
what else I want besides
besides you.
And you made me come
so hard last night.
Like, damn.
Ahem, I got
that boss-dick thang, girl.
- Joe, look at me.
- What?
What?
Do you believe in me?
In me
like in my talent,
in comedy, my writing.
All you've got
sometimes is, like
like a feeling,
you know?
It's the only reason why
I keep doing what I do.
So, like, do I believe
you're gonna make it?
You mean like make it
make it, like on TV?
Ayla, I mean, you're
the funniest girl I know,
but that's
like 10 people ever
who make it there.
I mean, come on.
Ayla.
Ayla, come don't
I'm gonna get a refill.
Stay right there.
You want some?
Do you want
some fresh water?
It's from the tap,
but it's really good tap water.
At least have
come on.
What the why the
what the fuck just happened?
Motherfucker!
Ayla, you didn't
even pay.
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing!
Don't give me that shit.
Something is clearly up.
I can tell.
Oh, my fucking God.
You can?
- That's crazy that
you can pick up on that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got a real sixth sense
for people losing their
minds during brunch.
Okay, I'm going this way.
I'll see you later.
I thought we were
hanging out today.
Yeah, me, too.
Bye!
I have no idea
what's going on right now
because I can't read
your crazy mind.
- (train horn blaring)
- You are such an asshole!
- You are such
a fucking asshole!
- (bell ringing)
I have absolutely no idea
what is going on right now
Fuck you up the ass
so fucking hard!
other than you're
losing your mind in public.
And you never apologized
for giving me herpes!
- Fucking herpes!
- Nine out of 10 people
are carriers
that are sexually active.
- No, fuck you!
- They carry the virus and
I just have never shown it.
I'm really glad
that everybody here
knows that.
Thanks for doing this
at brunch time!
- Perfect.
- Fuck fuck you!
I never
don't call me.
Don't ever call me again.
I never wanna see you!
Joe, don't get
on that train.
You better come here
and make me feel better.
Joe, don't get
on that train.
I'm serious.
Don't do this to me, you
Seriously.
(music playing)