Single Parents (2018) s01e05 Episode Script
Politician, Freemason, Scientist, Humorist and Diplomat, Ben Franklin
1 Welcome to Will Cooper's 2018 Spook-tacular Spook-A-Thon.
1-2-3 lights! [Spooky music plays.]
- Only, imagine it's nighttime.
- Okay, I should be somewhere else.
- I cancelled a patient for this.
- You said this was an emergency.
Hey, guys, there's only eight more hours until my spook-tacular bash begins, so there's still time for improvement.
But let's keep it in the world of tweaks, okay? No big ideas.
Okay, as much as I'd love to talk lighting tweaks, I have to get to the office.
With a bag of furry pipe cleaners? [Grunts.]
I haven't finished sewing Graham's costume yet.
He's really picky.
He has to wear something terrifying or else he's too scared to go trick-or-treating, so now I'm stuck sewing a giant black widow spider under my desk.
Why can't he be scared of normal things like dying alone? - Yes.
- That's a great story.
- Ugh.
It's not her.
- Ooh.
Who's her? ANGIE AND POPPY: April 16th, Giuseppe's Italian, I was waiting for a cab April 16th, Giuseppe's Italian, I was waiting for a cab.
[Sultry jazz playing.]
Beep-beep! Move it or lose it! What are you VALET: Oh, no problem.
I got it.
That's the way the cookie crumbles.
Ohhh, Daddy likes.
I ran after that car for eight blocks like a dog, but she got away.
Big Red was gone.
Douglas, that was beautiful - So stupid.
- Chauvinistic dumbass.
You know what? I'm a rich doctor.
I need none of you.
MIGGY: [Singsong voice.]
Man, my first Halloween as a dad! It's crazy, this time last year, the gummies had just kicked in, and I threw up in a corn maze.
Dude, there's so much fun stuff to do.
Sophie and I, we always dress up in a daddy-daughter costume and then we try to out-scare each other.
- It's the best.
- I am hyped.
I promised my baby mama, Zara, I'd send a pic of Jack in his costume.
She's gonna love it.
I should probably go buy that, huh? - [Door opens.]
- SOPHIE: Dad? Hey, Miggy.
Have you seen my Raaaaah! Ahhhhhhh? I know that wasn't real, but I appreciate the effort.
Who's ready for their daddy-daughter costume? [Cloth rustling.]
[Colonial accent.]
'Tis I, politician, freemason, and humorist, Benjamin Franklin.
And you look just about the same size as my kite! [Doorbell rings.]
[Door opens.]
Poppy! Are you a street walker? All right, save it, Quaker Oats guy.
Rory, we said keep it simple.
Every second we're explaining our costumes is a second we're not getting candy.
Duh, "Pretty Woman.
" I'm Edward Lewis.
My mom is Julia Roberts' friend and story engine, Kit De Luca.
Do the line.
"We say who, we say when, we say how much.
" Seriously? Nothing? Okay, okay, smart people will get this.
So, girls, what are your costumes? I guess you can't recognize Simon and Theodore without Alvin.
Well, then it looks like you'll be trick-or-treating in unrecognizable costumes.
You knew this gambit would fail.
- [Chuckles.]
- Are you kidding me? Douglas, your girls wanted to do a group costume, and you said no? I believe I said, "Get out of the car.
You're walking home," but the no was implied.
You don't get to say "no.
" You think I wanted to be an early-'90s prostitute? - I own a feminist bookstore.
- It's not the same.
A mom in a Halloween costume with her kids looks cute, but no self-respecting man dresses up in a child's costume.
No? What about Will? La la la la la, trick-or-treat I said "self-respecting.
" You know, the way I see it, Will is secure enough in his manhood to wear a costume, while big Dr.
Douglas isn't.
So, girls, who's the bigger man this Halloween Will or your dad? - Will, easy.
- Cooper by a mile.
- Give me the damn sweater.
- Uh-huh.
[Indistinct talking, telephones ringing.]
[Line ringing.]
Ang! The spook-tacular bash has boo-gun! Cool.
Listen.
[Sighs.]
I have to work late tonight.
I-I just heard Rick yell, "Buckle up, bitches!" What? Just tell your boss you need to go trick- or-treating with Graham.
No.
What? I can't tell him that I have to leave for mom stuff.
Then he'll start treating me differently.
You're afraid you're gonna be treated like a mom? - I don't understand.
- Of course you don't.
You're a man.
Then, why do I always feel so cold? What's up, Big Dubs? Hey, Lil G! Just talking to your mom here.
God, she's a wonderful woman.
[Chuckles.]
Can't wait to see the costume, Mom! Tell Graham I'm on my way.
God, I was really hoping this would be the one year I don't have to put on a costume behind the wheel.
See you soon.
Your mom's pretty great.
You're telling me.
She's my rock.
Hey, Rick? Hi.
Um, is it all right if I go? I have a personal matter.
Yeah.
Go.
Take care of your personal matter.
I'll just give all your case work to somebody who takes their career a little more seriously.
My best friend was murdered.
Will.
So, yeah, I got to catch a flight.
It's a destination funeral.
[Voice breaking.]
God, Will.
Why'd you have to look in that Dumpster? What Dumpster? The party will get started soon as darkness falls SOPHIE: Hey, Dad.
[Colonial accent.]
Why, hello, little girl.
[Normal voice.]
Where's your costume? I have a new friend from school coming.
Carol's a second grader and not real big on Halloween.
So could we maybe dial it back? Dial it back.
Um yeah, yeah.
I, uh I-I-I-I think we could do that.
I-I get it.
I see what's happening.
You grew up overnight, and now you hang out with older girls, and I went from being your best friend to an old man who lives in your house who you wish would just die! Dad, is this the start of a thing? No.
No, I'm just processing.
Uh, I'll definitely dial it back, take it from a ten to a nine and a half - Five? - Why don't you just make it one?! I'm totally good.
I'm fine.
- [Chuckles nervously.]
- Hi.
- I'm fine.
- Oh.
Okay.
God, these shoes are killing me.
If I was a real prostitute, I'd be home on my computer.
This is so humiliating.
It's the low point of my life.
I look like the world's biggest tool.
No, you look like a great dad.
Now come on.
You gotta stand together for the costumes to make sense.
Yeah, heaven forbid the costumes don't make sense.
KIDS: Trick or treat! [Sultry jazz playing.]
[Candy thuds.]
[Whispering.]
Oh, my God.
That's Big Red.
Okay, kids, chop chop.
I gotta tinkle.
Hello.
You're stunning.
I'm A giant chipmunk in a onesie! [Laughs.]
That's adorable.
Wiggle your nose, chipmunk.
Wiggle your nose.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
[Door closes.]
Well, she got the costume, so you can feel good about that.
Okay.
Let's go, guys.
Hey, Graham.
I'm really sorry that I'm late, but I'm really excited to go trick-or-treating.
How do you feel? Honestly? I'm hanging on by a thread.
You got this.
Okay? Especially from inside the super terrifying black widow body? - [Sighs.]
- Oh, no.
I left the legs at work.
We have to get them! I can't go back.
I already told my boss that Will got mur it's complicated, work stuff.
A no-leg spider isn't scary! It can't walk! It's a goner! Oh, no, no.
No.
That's even scarier.
'Cause he's got nothing left to lose, right? No? Okay.
I-I-I'm just gonna throw together a new costume.
I can do that.
Mom's got this.
Meow! [Grunts.]
Hey.
You made it.
So, you told your boss the truth? Isn't honesty the best Whatever.
I lied my ass off.
Now I need to find Graham a new costume.
What are you doing? Why are you taking down your decorations? Sophie's second grade friend, Carol, is coming over, so I'm toning it down.
Angie, I'm not ready to be the parent of a tween.
That is a world of nail polish and scrunchies [whispering.]
and starter bras, and how am I gonna talk to her about any of that stuff? Well, step 1 is being able to say the word "bra" out loud.
And anyway, it's fine.
You'll figure out how to talk to her.
Counterpoint: no, it's not, and no, I won't.
[Sighs.]
But if Sophie needs me to dial it down, I can handle that.
[Doorbell rings.]
For my baby girl, I can handle anything.
'Sup.
Sophie here? I'm Carol.
Oh, dip.
Carol's a man.
Ooh! Graham can be a skeleton with spatula hands who takes multivitamins for ladies over 60.
- Why do you have these? - Carol is a guy.
Sophie is hanging out with older boys.
And you know how I like everyone, right? Well, I do not like this kid, and I am pretty sure he does not like me.
Me, I'm just kind of over the whole Halloween thing.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not anti.
But you want something scary? Read the news.
[Laughs.]
Yuk it up.
This is the kind of complacency that got us where we are.
Have you tried being nice? Of course I tried being nice.
I'm Will.
I take off my shoes anywhere there's carpet.
I gave this kid my all! Can I get you anything, Carol? Are you a candy man? Dad, Carol prefers soft cheese.
Anything French with a tang.
Okay.
I will get my seven-year-old daughter and her male companion some cheese.
I just I'm not ready for this, okay? What do I do? You calm down, okay? Because you can't stop Sophie from growing up.
She's going to, no matter what.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I really need to find a new scary costume because I left the spider legs at work and I lied and told my boss that my best friend, Will, got murdered.
I'm your best friend? And I got murdered? Look, I'm sure you have given this a ton of thought, but is it not much simpler to just go back to work and tell your boss that your son needs you? [Chuckles.]
You don't get it.
If I play the "mom card," suddenly I'm this sad, single lady who's gonna need to come in late and take time off and then start asking if my kid can come in and sell cookies.
"Don't feel pressured to buy some.
" Oh, but they will feel pressured to buy some.
I always buy some.
I buy a lot.
And I'm scared to lose my job, but I'm scared if I don't lose my job then I'm not gonna be there for Graham.
Angie, c'mon, you're doing great, okay? Certainly much better than me.
I got murdered, remember? Ooh.
I think I just found Graham's costume.
And it is terrifying.
Ha ha.
Yes, it's a shower cap.
Sometimes I don't have time to shampoo.
Hey, uh, guys, I got a problem.
Wow.
Yeah, um, everything was sold out, so I had to mix and match.
Okay, so it's Orphan Annie on top and dog body on the bottom? No good? I spent 110 bucks! - Oh.
- [Cellphone ringing.]
Oh.
[Clears throat.]
Hey, Zara.
Oh, you told all your friends? And they're super excited to see our adorable baby.
That's great.
Very great.
That's, uh Sorry.
Got to go.
Will's on fire again, so gotta put that out.
- [Chuckles.]
- "Again"? - Move it, Rory! - We're cleaning up! Okay, we get it.
You're upset.
No, I'm not upset.
I'm I'm more like [Clanking.]
That! I'm more that! Why are you losing your mind over this? She's just a woman.
She's not just a woman.
She's my white whale! So she saw you in a costume.
Big deal.
Women aren't so hung up on appearances.
And plus wasn't Alvin the one that got the most ass? Let me tell you something.
Women are exactly as shallow as men.
And a first impression like that i-i-is a stain that'll never wash off.
Once a weasel in a muumuu, always a weasel in a muumuu.
Hmm.
So, once women get their minds made up on one thing, it's burned there for all time, never to change.
Okay, see, now you're talking sense.
Where was that an hour ago? Alvinnnn! - Cram it, Bill! - [Laughs.]
Douglas, can we go? [Spooky up-tempo music playing.]
Wow.
Wow, cute baby.
Great costume.
Any chance maybe I could borrow it? - No.
- Oh.
Well, then your baby can't have this costume.
What's up? Okay, get ready because you will be scaring people to the verge of a pants-pee as Boom! The great, floating, Texas-size garbage patch of the Pacific! Okay, so there's this plastic trash island floating in the Pacific.
It's the size of Texas, and a lot of people might not be aware of it, so I have printed out this HuffPo article you can carry around and let people read.
What do you think? It's a great effort, Mom.
You get used to the smell pretty quick.
- Mm.
- But I-I don't really need to go trick-or-treating.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry I asked you to go back to work.
I know it's complicated.
Your job comes first.
No, it doesn't.
You strap that spider body on.
I'm coming back with legs.
I'm a trash island.
RORY: No one.
Not one person got my costume.
Someone called me Benson.
Hey.
Wondering where I've been? No.
I knew you were gone, and it was nice.
You're a hard man not to punch.
I was out making a friend.
You think women are too shallow to see past a costume? Well, you're wrong.
And to help me prove it [Sultry jazz playing.]
- Hi, there.
- Uh, hello.
This is Dr.
Douglas Fogerty.
Botox king of Beverly Hills and world's most handsome caveman.
[Imitates grunting.]
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Again.
Likewise.
[Smooches.]
- [Whispering.]
Scram.
- [Whispering.]
Okay.
You're radiant.
Yeah.
Find me in the graveyard There he is Carol the cheese man.
Per your request, six varieties of soft, tangy, French cheeses.
I prefer my cheese after a meal.
Happy Halloween, Carol.
Hey.
Just ran into your buddy.
Seemed intent, as always, on bringing down the mood.
He's going home.
So good news, you can go nuts and do all the crazy Halloween stuff you love.
Hey, hey, hey.
Wait a second.
Why is he leaving? He said he wanted to go because he thinks I'm a baby.
Dad, why do you think he doesn't like me? I honestly don't know, my love.
Probably 'cause he's crazy.
I wish I had a better answer, but sometimes the people you like don't like you back, and it hurts.
But that kid is nuts, 'cause you're perfect.
Plus, he's got a dumb name.
And I don't want that for you.
[Chuckles.]
I'm sorry we missed Halloween.
- [Sighs.]
- We didn't even get to do a big scare.
- Mm.
- It's okay.
I'll just go to bed.
Or you help me dial this Halloween back up to eleven and we show Carol who the real baby is.
What do you say you and I go scare the living crap out of that kid? Think we could make him cry? I'll be disappointed if we don't.
[Both chuckling evilly.]
[Both laughing evilly.]
Hey, how's it going, Mary? You having fun? [Both laughing evilly.]
Nah, Baer left for private practice a long time ago.
We just haven't changed the signs yet.
MAN: That's quite surprising.
Hey.
What are you doing? Shouldn't you be on a flight? But you're here dressed as a cat? Am I? Oh.
Wow.
That's weird.
Actually, you know what? There is no flight.
And I'm dressed like a cat because it's Halloween.
And I don't talk about him much, but I have a seven-year-old.
And he's scared of everything fake plants, large shoes, empty shopping carts, adults with braces.
Sometimes he needs me.
Sometimes, when you think I'm in the copy room, I'm actually FaceTiming him from a bathroom stall.
Most of the time, I get by just fine.
Other times, I need to be in two places at once, and I lie about my friend Will getting murdered.
Look, if you need to fire me go ahead.
But my son's waiting for me.
And I left him in a bathroom wearing a garbage poncho.
Wait, so there was nothing in the Dumpster? [Spooky music playing.]
[Whispering.]
Okay, that's his window.
[Exhales sharply.]
You know, last year, you would've been too young to do something like this, so I guess getting older's not all bad.
- Let's light him up! - Yeah! Okay, guys.
Everyone set? Good to go.
Locked and loaded.
Hold on.
Are you filling those squirt guns with fake blood? Sure.
Fake.
Smoke team, check.
Let's roll out.
[Screaming.]
WILL: How you feeling, Spider-Graham? I can't feel my legs.
Well, four of them are fake.
Oh, thank God.
Listen, Graham.
I know you're scared right now.
But, you know, sometimes when we face our fears, turns out they're not really that scary.
Like when I confronted my fear of turning 27.
Then 28.
Then 29.
And so on.
And how tonight, I told my boss that I had to be here because you are my whole world.
So, if you're not ready, we can go home.
[Sighs.]
We're not going anywhere.
Will? Hoist me.
[Pulley squeaking.]
But topping out at 75 miles per hour, the cheetah is far and away the fastest land mammal.
My goodness, you're fascinating.
All that knowledge and you know Dennis Franz.
- I lasered his ears.
- Huh.
You are exquisite.
Dine with me.
Friday.
I'm sorry.
You're handsome, charming.
Ordinarily, so my type.
But in terms of "honk-honk, hubba-hubba," I'm just not there.
Something's throwing me, I can't put my finger on it.
- May I hazard a guess? - Hmm? You still see me as a chipmunk.
Yes, that's it.
Now I can't get it out of my head.
I mean, if I were to date an animal, it'd be like a deer or something.
I understand.
- I blame my children.
- Mm-hmm.
Mnh.
Excuse me one sec.
Hold up.
You're gonna walk away from this man because he dressed like a chipmunk for his kids? I'm not a great person.
Oh, well.
Big mistake! Big! Huge! And I know, Kit doesn't say that in the movie, but she does tonight! What? It's not about you.
It's the principle.
[Spooky music playing.]
[Indistinct talking.]
[Rustling.]
- [Screaming.]
- [Bird cawing.]
[Electricity crackling, thunder crashing.]
[Ominous music playing.]
[Screeching music plays.]
I'm a big, scary spider! And there's a Texas trash island in the ocean! [Screaming.]
[Laughs evilly.]
- Way to go, Graham! - Yes! - Amazing! - [Laughs.]
CAROL: Mom! Dad! Help! - We should go.
- RORY: Yeah.
- Oh.
Okay.
- [Pulley squeaking.]
CAROL'S MOM: Hey! What's wrong with you?! You're sneaking into my yard to scare an eight-year-old boy? To be fair, he started it.
You're adults! You came here for some stupid prank, roping in a bunch of children, one of whom you've dressed up as Edward Lewis.
[Gasps.]
She got it.
Someone got it.
WILL: Look, ma'am Why is candy so much sweeter - when it's stolen from children? - [Cellphone dings.]
Ooh, a text from my boss.
I have to get back and finish the briefs.
- Good news, I'm not fired.
- [Colonial accent.]
Stupendous news! I have to go back to Paris, where I'll become the first United States ambassador to France.
[Normal voice.]
I know Halloween's done, but honestly, this guy did everything.
[Groans.]
So big.
So red.
And so outta her damn mind.
If she can't recognize something great when she sees it, her loss.
Oh, so now you think I'm great? Interesting.
I was talking about the costume.
And FYI, that was so not a natural red.
- No, no, don't don't do that.
- It wasn't.
Oh, she loved it! Zara loved Jack's costume! Man, I knew she would! Oh, Miggy, that's fantastic! - It's a head-scratcher! - Miggy's gonna dance now! - Yeah, he is! Go, Miggy! - Ehhhhew! Go, Miggy! [All cheering.]
1-2-3 lights! [Spooky music plays.]
- Only, imagine it's nighttime.
- Okay, I should be somewhere else.
- I cancelled a patient for this.
- You said this was an emergency.
Hey, guys, there's only eight more hours until my spook-tacular bash begins, so there's still time for improvement.
But let's keep it in the world of tweaks, okay? No big ideas.
Okay, as much as I'd love to talk lighting tweaks, I have to get to the office.
With a bag of furry pipe cleaners? [Grunts.]
I haven't finished sewing Graham's costume yet.
He's really picky.
He has to wear something terrifying or else he's too scared to go trick-or-treating, so now I'm stuck sewing a giant black widow spider under my desk.
Why can't he be scared of normal things like dying alone? - Yes.
- That's a great story.
- Ugh.
It's not her.
- Ooh.
Who's her? ANGIE AND POPPY: April 16th, Giuseppe's Italian, I was waiting for a cab April 16th, Giuseppe's Italian, I was waiting for a cab.
[Sultry jazz playing.]
Beep-beep! Move it or lose it! What are you VALET: Oh, no problem.
I got it.
That's the way the cookie crumbles.
Ohhh, Daddy likes.
I ran after that car for eight blocks like a dog, but she got away.
Big Red was gone.
Douglas, that was beautiful - So stupid.
- Chauvinistic dumbass.
You know what? I'm a rich doctor.
I need none of you.
MIGGY: [Singsong voice.]
Man, my first Halloween as a dad! It's crazy, this time last year, the gummies had just kicked in, and I threw up in a corn maze.
Dude, there's so much fun stuff to do.
Sophie and I, we always dress up in a daddy-daughter costume and then we try to out-scare each other.
- It's the best.
- I am hyped.
I promised my baby mama, Zara, I'd send a pic of Jack in his costume.
She's gonna love it.
I should probably go buy that, huh? - [Door opens.]
- SOPHIE: Dad? Hey, Miggy.
Have you seen my Raaaaah! Ahhhhhhh? I know that wasn't real, but I appreciate the effort.
Who's ready for their daddy-daughter costume? [Cloth rustling.]
[Colonial accent.]
'Tis I, politician, freemason, and humorist, Benjamin Franklin.
And you look just about the same size as my kite! [Doorbell rings.]
[Door opens.]
Poppy! Are you a street walker? All right, save it, Quaker Oats guy.
Rory, we said keep it simple.
Every second we're explaining our costumes is a second we're not getting candy.
Duh, "Pretty Woman.
" I'm Edward Lewis.
My mom is Julia Roberts' friend and story engine, Kit De Luca.
Do the line.
"We say who, we say when, we say how much.
" Seriously? Nothing? Okay, okay, smart people will get this.
So, girls, what are your costumes? I guess you can't recognize Simon and Theodore without Alvin.
Well, then it looks like you'll be trick-or-treating in unrecognizable costumes.
You knew this gambit would fail.
- [Chuckles.]
- Are you kidding me? Douglas, your girls wanted to do a group costume, and you said no? I believe I said, "Get out of the car.
You're walking home," but the no was implied.
You don't get to say "no.
" You think I wanted to be an early-'90s prostitute? - I own a feminist bookstore.
- It's not the same.
A mom in a Halloween costume with her kids looks cute, but no self-respecting man dresses up in a child's costume.
No? What about Will? La la la la la, trick-or-treat I said "self-respecting.
" You know, the way I see it, Will is secure enough in his manhood to wear a costume, while big Dr.
Douglas isn't.
So, girls, who's the bigger man this Halloween Will or your dad? - Will, easy.
- Cooper by a mile.
- Give me the damn sweater.
- Uh-huh.
[Indistinct talking, telephones ringing.]
[Line ringing.]
Ang! The spook-tacular bash has boo-gun! Cool.
Listen.
[Sighs.]
I have to work late tonight.
I-I just heard Rick yell, "Buckle up, bitches!" What? Just tell your boss you need to go trick- or-treating with Graham.
No.
What? I can't tell him that I have to leave for mom stuff.
Then he'll start treating me differently.
You're afraid you're gonna be treated like a mom? - I don't understand.
- Of course you don't.
You're a man.
Then, why do I always feel so cold? What's up, Big Dubs? Hey, Lil G! Just talking to your mom here.
God, she's a wonderful woman.
[Chuckles.]
Can't wait to see the costume, Mom! Tell Graham I'm on my way.
God, I was really hoping this would be the one year I don't have to put on a costume behind the wheel.
See you soon.
Your mom's pretty great.
You're telling me.
She's my rock.
Hey, Rick? Hi.
Um, is it all right if I go? I have a personal matter.
Yeah.
Go.
Take care of your personal matter.
I'll just give all your case work to somebody who takes their career a little more seriously.
My best friend was murdered.
Will.
So, yeah, I got to catch a flight.
It's a destination funeral.
[Voice breaking.]
God, Will.
Why'd you have to look in that Dumpster? What Dumpster? The party will get started soon as darkness falls SOPHIE: Hey, Dad.
[Colonial accent.]
Why, hello, little girl.
[Normal voice.]
Where's your costume? I have a new friend from school coming.
Carol's a second grader and not real big on Halloween.
So could we maybe dial it back? Dial it back.
Um yeah, yeah.
I, uh I-I-I-I think we could do that.
I-I get it.
I see what's happening.
You grew up overnight, and now you hang out with older girls, and I went from being your best friend to an old man who lives in your house who you wish would just die! Dad, is this the start of a thing? No.
No, I'm just processing.
Uh, I'll definitely dial it back, take it from a ten to a nine and a half - Five? - Why don't you just make it one?! I'm totally good.
I'm fine.
- [Chuckles nervously.]
- Hi.
- I'm fine.
- Oh.
Okay.
God, these shoes are killing me.
If I was a real prostitute, I'd be home on my computer.
This is so humiliating.
It's the low point of my life.
I look like the world's biggest tool.
No, you look like a great dad.
Now come on.
You gotta stand together for the costumes to make sense.
Yeah, heaven forbid the costumes don't make sense.
KIDS: Trick or treat! [Sultry jazz playing.]
[Candy thuds.]
[Whispering.]
Oh, my God.
That's Big Red.
Okay, kids, chop chop.
I gotta tinkle.
Hello.
You're stunning.
I'm A giant chipmunk in a onesie! [Laughs.]
That's adorable.
Wiggle your nose, chipmunk.
Wiggle your nose.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
[Door closes.]
Well, she got the costume, so you can feel good about that.
Okay.
Let's go, guys.
Hey, Graham.
I'm really sorry that I'm late, but I'm really excited to go trick-or-treating.
How do you feel? Honestly? I'm hanging on by a thread.
You got this.
Okay? Especially from inside the super terrifying black widow body? - [Sighs.]
- Oh, no.
I left the legs at work.
We have to get them! I can't go back.
I already told my boss that Will got mur it's complicated, work stuff.
A no-leg spider isn't scary! It can't walk! It's a goner! Oh, no, no.
No.
That's even scarier.
'Cause he's got nothing left to lose, right? No? Okay.
I-I-I'm just gonna throw together a new costume.
I can do that.
Mom's got this.
Meow! [Grunts.]
Hey.
You made it.
So, you told your boss the truth? Isn't honesty the best Whatever.
I lied my ass off.
Now I need to find Graham a new costume.
What are you doing? Why are you taking down your decorations? Sophie's second grade friend, Carol, is coming over, so I'm toning it down.
Angie, I'm not ready to be the parent of a tween.
That is a world of nail polish and scrunchies [whispering.]
and starter bras, and how am I gonna talk to her about any of that stuff? Well, step 1 is being able to say the word "bra" out loud.
And anyway, it's fine.
You'll figure out how to talk to her.
Counterpoint: no, it's not, and no, I won't.
[Sighs.]
But if Sophie needs me to dial it down, I can handle that.
[Doorbell rings.]
For my baby girl, I can handle anything.
'Sup.
Sophie here? I'm Carol.
Oh, dip.
Carol's a man.
Ooh! Graham can be a skeleton with spatula hands who takes multivitamins for ladies over 60.
- Why do you have these? - Carol is a guy.
Sophie is hanging out with older boys.
And you know how I like everyone, right? Well, I do not like this kid, and I am pretty sure he does not like me.
Me, I'm just kind of over the whole Halloween thing.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not anti.
But you want something scary? Read the news.
[Laughs.]
Yuk it up.
This is the kind of complacency that got us where we are.
Have you tried being nice? Of course I tried being nice.
I'm Will.
I take off my shoes anywhere there's carpet.
I gave this kid my all! Can I get you anything, Carol? Are you a candy man? Dad, Carol prefers soft cheese.
Anything French with a tang.
Okay.
I will get my seven-year-old daughter and her male companion some cheese.
I just I'm not ready for this, okay? What do I do? You calm down, okay? Because you can't stop Sophie from growing up.
She's going to, no matter what.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I really need to find a new scary costume because I left the spider legs at work and I lied and told my boss that my best friend, Will, got murdered.
I'm your best friend? And I got murdered? Look, I'm sure you have given this a ton of thought, but is it not much simpler to just go back to work and tell your boss that your son needs you? [Chuckles.]
You don't get it.
If I play the "mom card," suddenly I'm this sad, single lady who's gonna need to come in late and take time off and then start asking if my kid can come in and sell cookies.
"Don't feel pressured to buy some.
" Oh, but they will feel pressured to buy some.
I always buy some.
I buy a lot.
And I'm scared to lose my job, but I'm scared if I don't lose my job then I'm not gonna be there for Graham.
Angie, c'mon, you're doing great, okay? Certainly much better than me.
I got murdered, remember? Ooh.
I think I just found Graham's costume.
And it is terrifying.
Ha ha.
Yes, it's a shower cap.
Sometimes I don't have time to shampoo.
Hey, uh, guys, I got a problem.
Wow.
Yeah, um, everything was sold out, so I had to mix and match.
Okay, so it's Orphan Annie on top and dog body on the bottom? No good? I spent 110 bucks! - Oh.
- [Cellphone ringing.]
Oh.
[Clears throat.]
Hey, Zara.
Oh, you told all your friends? And they're super excited to see our adorable baby.
That's great.
Very great.
That's, uh Sorry.
Got to go.
Will's on fire again, so gotta put that out.
- [Chuckles.]
- "Again"? - Move it, Rory! - We're cleaning up! Okay, we get it.
You're upset.
No, I'm not upset.
I'm I'm more like [Clanking.]
That! I'm more that! Why are you losing your mind over this? She's just a woman.
She's not just a woman.
She's my white whale! So she saw you in a costume.
Big deal.
Women aren't so hung up on appearances.
And plus wasn't Alvin the one that got the most ass? Let me tell you something.
Women are exactly as shallow as men.
And a first impression like that i-i-is a stain that'll never wash off.
Once a weasel in a muumuu, always a weasel in a muumuu.
Hmm.
So, once women get their minds made up on one thing, it's burned there for all time, never to change.
Okay, see, now you're talking sense.
Where was that an hour ago? Alvinnnn! - Cram it, Bill! - [Laughs.]
Douglas, can we go? [Spooky up-tempo music playing.]
Wow.
Wow, cute baby.
Great costume.
Any chance maybe I could borrow it? - No.
- Oh.
Well, then your baby can't have this costume.
What's up? Okay, get ready because you will be scaring people to the verge of a pants-pee as Boom! The great, floating, Texas-size garbage patch of the Pacific! Okay, so there's this plastic trash island floating in the Pacific.
It's the size of Texas, and a lot of people might not be aware of it, so I have printed out this HuffPo article you can carry around and let people read.
What do you think? It's a great effort, Mom.
You get used to the smell pretty quick.
- Mm.
- But I-I don't really need to go trick-or-treating.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry I asked you to go back to work.
I know it's complicated.
Your job comes first.
No, it doesn't.
You strap that spider body on.
I'm coming back with legs.
I'm a trash island.
RORY: No one.
Not one person got my costume.
Someone called me Benson.
Hey.
Wondering where I've been? No.
I knew you were gone, and it was nice.
You're a hard man not to punch.
I was out making a friend.
You think women are too shallow to see past a costume? Well, you're wrong.
And to help me prove it [Sultry jazz playing.]
- Hi, there.
- Uh, hello.
This is Dr.
Douglas Fogerty.
Botox king of Beverly Hills and world's most handsome caveman.
[Imitates grunting.]
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Again.
Likewise.
[Smooches.]
- [Whispering.]
Scram.
- [Whispering.]
Okay.
You're radiant.
Yeah.
Find me in the graveyard There he is Carol the cheese man.
Per your request, six varieties of soft, tangy, French cheeses.
I prefer my cheese after a meal.
Happy Halloween, Carol.
Hey.
Just ran into your buddy.
Seemed intent, as always, on bringing down the mood.
He's going home.
So good news, you can go nuts and do all the crazy Halloween stuff you love.
Hey, hey, hey.
Wait a second.
Why is he leaving? He said he wanted to go because he thinks I'm a baby.
Dad, why do you think he doesn't like me? I honestly don't know, my love.
Probably 'cause he's crazy.
I wish I had a better answer, but sometimes the people you like don't like you back, and it hurts.
But that kid is nuts, 'cause you're perfect.
Plus, he's got a dumb name.
And I don't want that for you.
[Chuckles.]
I'm sorry we missed Halloween.
- [Sighs.]
- We didn't even get to do a big scare.
- Mm.
- It's okay.
I'll just go to bed.
Or you help me dial this Halloween back up to eleven and we show Carol who the real baby is.
What do you say you and I go scare the living crap out of that kid? Think we could make him cry? I'll be disappointed if we don't.
[Both chuckling evilly.]
[Both laughing evilly.]
Hey, how's it going, Mary? You having fun? [Both laughing evilly.]
Nah, Baer left for private practice a long time ago.
We just haven't changed the signs yet.
MAN: That's quite surprising.
Hey.
What are you doing? Shouldn't you be on a flight? But you're here dressed as a cat? Am I? Oh.
Wow.
That's weird.
Actually, you know what? There is no flight.
And I'm dressed like a cat because it's Halloween.
And I don't talk about him much, but I have a seven-year-old.
And he's scared of everything fake plants, large shoes, empty shopping carts, adults with braces.
Sometimes he needs me.
Sometimes, when you think I'm in the copy room, I'm actually FaceTiming him from a bathroom stall.
Most of the time, I get by just fine.
Other times, I need to be in two places at once, and I lie about my friend Will getting murdered.
Look, if you need to fire me go ahead.
But my son's waiting for me.
And I left him in a bathroom wearing a garbage poncho.
Wait, so there was nothing in the Dumpster? [Spooky music playing.]
[Whispering.]
Okay, that's his window.
[Exhales sharply.]
You know, last year, you would've been too young to do something like this, so I guess getting older's not all bad.
- Let's light him up! - Yeah! Okay, guys.
Everyone set? Good to go.
Locked and loaded.
Hold on.
Are you filling those squirt guns with fake blood? Sure.
Fake.
Smoke team, check.
Let's roll out.
[Screaming.]
WILL: How you feeling, Spider-Graham? I can't feel my legs.
Well, four of them are fake.
Oh, thank God.
Listen, Graham.
I know you're scared right now.
But, you know, sometimes when we face our fears, turns out they're not really that scary.
Like when I confronted my fear of turning 27.
Then 28.
Then 29.
And so on.
And how tonight, I told my boss that I had to be here because you are my whole world.
So, if you're not ready, we can go home.
[Sighs.]
We're not going anywhere.
Will? Hoist me.
[Pulley squeaking.]
But topping out at 75 miles per hour, the cheetah is far and away the fastest land mammal.
My goodness, you're fascinating.
All that knowledge and you know Dennis Franz.
- I lasered his ears.
- Huh.
You are exquisite.
Dine with me.
Friday.
I'm sorry.
You're handsome, charming.
Ordinarily, so my type.
But in terms of "honk-honk, hubba-hubba," I'm just not there.
Something's throwing me, I can't put my finger on it.
- May I hazard a guess? - Hmm? You still see me as a chipmunk.
Yes, that's it.
Now I can't get it out of my head.
I mean, if I were to date an animal, it'd be like a deer or something.
I understand.
- I blame my children.
- Mm-hmm.
Mnh.
Excuse me one sec.
Hold up.
You're gonna walk away from this man because he dressed like a chipmunk for his kids? I'm not a great person.
Oh, well.
Big mistake! Big! Huge! And I know, Kit doesn't say that in the movie, but she does tonight! What? It's not about you.
It's the principle.
[Spooky music playing.]
[Indistinct talking.]
[Rustling.]
- [Screaming.]
- [Bird cawing.]
[Electricity crackling, thunder crashing.]
[Ominous music playing.]
[Screeching music plays.]
I'm a big, scary spider! And there's a Texas trash island in the ocean! [Screaming.]
[Laughs evilly.]
- Way to go, Graham! - Yes! - Amazing! - [Laughs.]
CAROL: Mom! Dad! Help! - We should go.
- RORY: Yeah.
- Oh.
Okay.
- [Pulley squeaking.]
CAROL'S MOM: Hey! What's wrong with you?! You're sneaking into my yard to scare an eight-year-old boy? To be fair, he started it.
You're adults! You came here for some stupid prank, roping in a bunch of children, one of whom you've dressed up as Edward Lewis.
[Gasps.]
She got it.
Someone got it.
WILL: Look, ma'am Why is candy so much sweeter - when it's stolen from children? - [Cellphone dings.]
Ooh, a text from my boss.
I have to get back and finish the briefs.
- Good news, I'm not fired.
- [Colonial accent.]
Stupendous news! I have to go back to Paris, where I'll become the first United States ambassador to France.
[Normal voice.]
I know Halloween's done, but honestly, this guy did everything.
[Groans.]
So big.
So red.
And so outta her damn mind.
If she can't recognize something great when she sees it, her loss.
Oh, so now you think I'm great? Interesting.
I was talking about the costume.
And FYI, that was so not a natural red.
- No, no, don't don't do that.
- It wasn't.
Oh, she loved it! Zara loved Jack's costume! Man, I knew she would! Oh, Miggy, that's fantastic! - It's a head-scratcher! - Miggy's gonna dance now! - Yeah, he is! Go, Miggy! - Ehhhhew! Go, Miggy! [All cheering.]