Single White Spenny (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

Spenny: I run my business like I'd run my family— If I had one.
I'm like the dad and Jessica? Well, she's like the adopted daughter.
I'm having second thoughts about.
Spenny: Jessica! How many times do I have to explain this to you? The juxtaposition of something furry and sweet with flatulence is a masterstroke in the novelty business, Jessica.
Why can't you understand?! FAR (phone ringing) Spenny's Fun Emporium, home of the minimum wage.
Uh huh.
Really? Oh! I'd be delighted to tell him.
You'd be delighted to tell me what? Read it and weep.
"Or kid" is in trouble.
Who's "or kid?" Your kid! There's no "Y" here.
Your kid.
My kid is in trouble? Your kid is in trouble! His school just called! Let's just assume for a couple of seconds that you got this message right, there's just one small problem I don't have a kid! Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you knocked up one of your bimbos? Named "Schmitzerman.
" Knocked up a bimbo?! Excuse me? I practice safe sex 100% of the time and I think I'd remember if I dated someone name Schmitzerman! Susan Schmitzerman! There's got to be a lot of Schmitzerman's, right? Probably one more thanks to you.
Oh, my God THUD! My name is Spenny.
I've been accused of being an emotionally-stunted manchild.
Incapable of having a functional relationship.
All I really want is to find love.
Is that such a crime? Spenny: AH! AH! AHHHHHHH! What are you doing?! I'm reviving you! Ahhhhhh! That's hot coffee! UGH! Reviving me from what?! Schmitzerman! Schmitzerman Jessica I have a son.
I've always wanted to have a son and a wife! So, that means I'm 50% there.
I need to go see my son.
And bring him a gift.
I'll bring my son a gift! Jackass.
This has turned into the most important day of my life.
First the "Furry Farties" arrive and now I'm a dad.
I fathered a little Spenny.
Or, maybe it's a Spennette.
Whatever it is, I know I'm going to love it with all of my heart.
CRASH! (car alarm sounding) ♪ ♪ Are you my Schmitzerman? Stop!!! I want to take you for ice cream! If you're lactose intolerant, we can have cake!!! I make a great rhubarb pie!!! ♪ Kid: Ahhhhhhh! Who are we running from?! You!!! Now take it easy.
Look, I bought you a gift.
FAR I'm your father.
You're my father? Your mother and I we dated.
And something broke— Is there a guidance counselor, or a gym teacher that can kinda walk us through this? Principal: Luke, come in here, please! I got your back, kid.
Uh, do you have a bigger chair? No.
So, you're here to talk about Luke? Luke.
That's your name? That's adorable.
Um, Doris, I don't know what he did, uh But, I'm here now— I wasn't here before but I'm here now— FAR That wasn't me, it was, uh— It's a "Furry Farty", I sell them at my store.
Who are you? I'm Spenny.
I'm the boy's father.
I've only been his father for about twenty minutes, but, uh, I think it's going pretty good, don't you think? Luke, will you excuse us? I need to talk to your— dad person.
It's okay.
Isn't he great? Is Luke your child or not? Fifteen years ago, I dated his mother, Susan Schmitzerman and, uh, it was wild.
Luke is 13.
How's that possible? He's not yours! Butit says so on this message.
The math doesn't work.
You're not Luke's father.
And that's probably a good thing, because Luke is a handful.
He's got the worst attendance record, failing grades and the reason for this meeting— He altered my online portraitto this.
"Snow Tart and the well-hung dwarfs"? That's so dirty.
Yeah.
You just dodged a bullet.
Thank you.
I got some bad news, kid.
I'm not your father.
Yeah, I know.
You know? Yeah, I use my mother's boyfriend's names on the absentee form.
You're just the only one who ever showed up.
It's no big deal.
No big deal?! Do you have any idea what I've been through in the last 3 hours? I found out you existed, then I met you.
Then I lost you.
For a moment— I loved you deeply.
Hey, Luke— Hey, wait— Luke! Look, if you ever want to just get together and do a chill out, rap a little— You'll find me here.
Jenny's Massages? No, not there.
Sorry.
Here— It's Spenny's Fantastic Novelty Emporium.
I don't like to brag but I happen to be big in— Fake puke.
Exploding brains! Magnetic dog turds.
Spenny: There he goes.
Out of my life forever.
Bye, Luke.
Not even one of Jenny's special messages can ease this pain.
You miss him?? You knew him for five minutes.
It's not your kid! That's her! That's her! Susan Schmitzerman! I remember the night we were doing belly shots.
That's the tequila-dispensing belly that little Lukey came out of.
(knocking on door) Spenny: Hey, Phil.
May I weigh in on this? Spenny: Please, no.
You rushing to the school shows you have paternal instinct.
That's real grown-up stuff there, Spenny.
I think you're right.
I think I could really be a positive influence on this kid's life.
You could be a positive influence on my life if you let me inside.
Don't wanna be a positive influence on your life.
Alright, well, if that opinion changes— SLAM! What are you doing? I'm working on my soul-mate's qualities list.
Chelsea, you're relationship-phobiic, why bother? If I was relationship-phobic, I wouldn't be working on this list! This list allows me to sidestep useless chit-chat and just zero in on Mr.
Perfect.
Mind if I have a little looksey at your list? Oh, this is good.
Number 38: Must believe that Fredo deserved to get whacked in Godfather II.
This is insane.
Number 48: Must have a colon cleanse two times a year.
Yeah, you're right! You're completely open to a man that doesn't exist! For your information, someone did live up to the list and his name is Roger and I'm going out with him on Friday.
So what do you think about that? I think Roger is probably the biggest liar on the planet.
Must make a three-fish Bouillabaisse.
Where do you come up with this stuff? You're saying this about Roger, 'cause you know you can't live up to the list! Why would I want a colon cleanse?! Have you ever tried? No.
Okay, well, it's like floating on a cloud! Phil— Go home!!! Yeah.
Right.
Sorry.
Jessica: And they never found the body! You're in big trouble now, little Spenny fingers! Jessica, what's going on?! I caught a shoplifter! I got him out back! Jessica, that's Luke! Schmitzerman? You came back! His pockets were full.
He was heading for the front door.
Stop slandering my boy! Oh, yeah? Well, slander this! Luke, do you have anything to say in your defense? (mumbling) That's good enough for me! Now, Luke, I'm going to very carefully take the tape off your mouth— RIIIIP! AHHHH! Jessica, you almost ripped his lips off!!! She's crazy! Oh, I'm crazy now, am I?! Oh, you don't know crazy!!! I will give you crazy! Let's dance! Hey, hey, hey! Put that down! (Jessica ranting) Put it down, you maniac! Are you okay, sweetheart? Yeah.
Okay— Now, Jessica, he's family! He can call you whatever he wants.
Go to the clearance rack, take whatever you want.
Be a good boy.
♪ Spenny: Okay, it's official.
Little Luke is back in my life.
Jessica: Get away from the cash register! Spenny: So, he's not blood, big deal.
Father is an earned title in my book.
As far as I'm concerned, he's my son.
My little man.
Son of Spenny.
And it feels great.
UGH! OH! OW! Sit up, I want you to meet my mother.
You got a hang up about your mother? I don't have a hang up! Would it kill you to show appreciation for the things I'm doing for you? The tennis lessons, the cello, that stupid helicopter— Hey, sorry I'm late.
Who's this? Not that bad looking for a grandma.
Hey! Show some respect! Grandma, this is Luke.
Luke, I'd like you to meet your grandma.
Grandma? Spencer, dear, what the hell is going on? Is this kid lost? Do you remember Susan Schmitzerman? About three years after I broke up with her, she had little Luke here.
And he needs a father figure and I'm here to fill in the gap.
Gimme that! Stupid helicopter! Maybe lunch today wasn't such a— SIT!!! We're gonna have a nice, family dinner!!! I'm bored— Shut up!!! I hate to ruin this already lousy lunch, but can I say something? Go ahead.
Spencer, you've got to see Dr.
Schneiderman.
You can explain to him how you're picking up strange kids off the street and calling them your own.
Why don't you see Schneiderman and explain why you weren't a mother to me and you won't be a grandma to Luke! You both need to see Schneiderman.
What the hell kind of kid are you raising? I think both of you deserve each other! If your idea of being a dad is yelling at me, then you SUCK! Well, you know what? As a son YOU SUCK! Sheila: And I'm the lousy parent Spenny: I'm at a restaurant full of people, and I yell at the top of my lungs, "YOU SUCK!" How immature is that? You're getting a little taste of what it's like to be a dad.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I got you this.
Well, it's a nice thought, Phil, but I really don't feel like the world's best dad right now.
Oh.
What does your shirt say? Huh? Too soon? Way.
Luke— What are you doing here? SLAM! I didn't behave very nicely at the restaurant.
I shouldn't have given you the finger through the window.
You gave me a finger through the window? My mom said I should come over and apologize.
Your mom remembered me? Yeah, she talks about you all the time.
She wants you to come over for dinner tonight to thank you for being so dad-ish.
Wow You know, I think it would be a terrific idea to go over and hang out with your mom and talk about you, of course.
Say, um, just wondering Does she keep in shape all these years? Oh, yeah, she works out all the time.
She even bought herself a stripper pole to work out on.
Stripper pole.
Hm Spenny: Hello, Jessica? This is important, I need you to babysit Luke tonight— Ugh! Chelsea? Can you babysit Luke tonight? I have a very important co-parenting meeting.
Are you sure it's not a belly-shot meeting? You're just jealous because you're at the list stage and I zoomed past you into the instant family stage.
Are you going to babysit or what? No, I'm sorry.
I can't, I told you.
I'm going out with perfect Roger.
You realize that if perfect Roger is everything on your list, you're going to be in a relationship.
Hello? Why is it so quiet? I I forgot to add the most important attribute I'm looking for in a man— Must have A-B negative blood.
How could I have omitted that? Good luck.
Spenny: Thanks, mom.
Seeing the two of you like this— Warms my heart.
Put the money away! You shorted me twenty! You were late! Chelsea: A-B negative blood.
The rarest blood on the planet and Roger has it.
Wow, you really must be Mr.
Perfect.
Most girls with lists have height restrictions.
I notice yours didn't.
Yeah, silly me.
Can I add that now? No.
Oh— You're stuck with wee, little, perfect Roger.
I'm— I'm sorry.
You have nothing to apologize for.
I know who I am.
I'm perfectly comfortable living under a mushroom.
Oh, stop it! That's awful.
Can I be honest? Go for it.
I'm not looking for romance so much as I'm looking for help moving my piano.
OhI like you.
You're funny.
If I could have five minutes alone with you and a step-ladder, I'd be a happy camper! Roger! I just said that out loud.
You really did You know, who says you can reduce a relationship to a series of bullet points? Right? Screw the list, Roger! RIIIIIIP Okay! Okay.
Let's do this.
Let's do this.
But I need to ask you a couple of questions first.
You have a list? Everyone's got a list.
Question number five, have you won any kind of swimming awards of any kind? Well, I'm drowning right now.
I'll throw you a lifeline.
No, thank you.
I also need some tape.
Excellent.
If we were marooned on a small desert island— I'd kill myself first.
I would survive then.
I would win.
Is there alcohol in this? Number ten— Spenny: This could be great.
I could actually have a real, traditional family.
Luke, me, Susan and her stripper pole.
(knocking) Hellooooo? Hello?! Susan Schmitzerman, it's Spenny! Hello? I'm here to talk to you about Luke! WHACK! THUD.
There you are! She wasn't expecting me! I went over there for dinner and ended up getting hit in the head with a saucepan! I left her a note.
You told me she had fond memories of me! She didn't know who I was! Sheila: We did it! We got the timeshare! Yeah! You bought a time share with my credit card?! GET OUT!!! You're a pre-pubescent swindler! I'm sorry for thinking it'd be nice for you to date my mother again.
The beach is clothing optional! Sheila: You gotta love it.
Okay, some people should not have a list.
He should definitely not have a list! You're just angry because he didn't make the cut.
No, no, no, no— It's that he got up out of his seat and measured my hips, okay?! Who puts hip size on a list?! At least you're back to normal.
You're single again.
What about me?? I've got a problem with my son! Isn't that more important? You don't have a son! You're a faux father! Are you saying I'm a "faux-ther?" What are you worried about? You're getting out now before it's too messy, and entangled and, and lawsuit-y.
Excuse me? Who said I'm getting out? This is exactly the time when the boy needs me! I'm getting back in! What about Helen Keller?! Where would she be if her parents got out?! She'd still be blind! I don't know!!! Luke! Hey, Luke! Hey, Luke, over here! Lukey, I'm not mad at ya! I brought you your favorite cotton candy! Hey! What's goin' on? Nothing, I'm just trying to give the boy some candy.
Luke! Hey, come here— You know this guy? Are you kidding me?! Don't— This is an officer! You know me! Tell him you know me! He's kidding.
He totally knows me.
Hey, what are you doing? We got a candy man on the East side.
What's a candy man? BUZZZZZZ! Ugh, ugh, ugh! Repeat, candy man, East side! UGH! I'm not a candy man! WHACK-WHACK! OW! OW! OW! I'm not a candy man! OW! I'm not a— No! OW! STOP!!! STOP! STOP IT!!! ♪ Jessica: Jesus, Spenny, you look like hell.
This is a total nightmare!!! They kept chanting predator and wouldn't stop attacking me until I joined the Arian Nation.
You joined a supremacist group? Ow, ow— I had no idea there were so many uses for a broomstick.
I made the little brat fess up.
I took him to the police station and he told the truth.
I don't EVER want to see that kid again.
EVER! (laughing) Well, he's over there.
He wants to apologize.
You— Hey, Spenny I'm sorry! I'm really sorry! I just wanted you and my mom to date each other.
Well, that's not going to happen.
And take me places! Stop it, Luke! ♪ Dad, don't leave me! Father! I want to be your dad so bad.
(crying) Jessica: No, no, NO! This is ridiculous! It's absolutely ridiculous! This kid is a little criminal! If anybody's going to be ripping you off, it's going to be me! It's a beautiful gesture, Jessica, but it just wouldn't be the same.
♪ Let's go for some ice cream.
♪ It's in the other pocket.
Thanks, dad.
Spenny: So, it's not the perfect father-son relationship.
Maybe that's why we have pin numbers and passwords.
To stop the little darlings from robbing us blind.
I can't believe you're taking that little jerk and not me! I can't take you! It's a father-son cruise.
It's non-refundable.
I need a son! If this is a disaster, which it will be, I don't want to hear you whining.
(knocking) If it's a disaster, I'll throw the little bugger overboard.
Let's be clear.
I'm only doing this for the buffet.
- Come on in.
- Thank You.