Sit Down Shut Up (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

Oh, you bet I did.
Yeah, but did it hurt? Hey, Miracle.
How was your weekend? Oh, it was pretty quiet.
Whoo hoo! And yours? Oh, pretty wild, actually.
Miracle will be here talking to me In 38 hours, 10 minutes, and twe--10 seconds.
Hmm Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Had some, uh, minor car problems this morning.
Aah! My chocolate! Aah! My peanut butter! - My life! - My career! On an unrelated note, There are certain combinations that really shouldn't go together, Like chocolate and blood Or peanut butter and bits of face, hair, and skin.
I'll have to give Ennis that tip.
You can't get him out of the peanut butter.
Yeah, you're right.
I'll buy a new jar.
Now on to important matters.
The student-run newspaper, the weekly baiter, Hasn't made money in years, And it's no wonder, with boring articles like this.
We sold exactly one copy.
I needed a blanket.
It gets wet on that field.
Sue, a student newspaper is not about making money.
It's about teaching the students the futility Of pursuing a career in journalism.
I mean, it is a dying field, like--I don't know-- Banking or real estate or oil exploration Or the auto business or being a doctor Or a sitcom writer or a polar bear hunter Or watchmaker or marlo Thomas' manager Or--well, you know, there really aren't A lot of promising Fields anymore besides sharecropper or ass wiper.
And with the coming food shortages, You have to believe ass wiping Is soon going to be a lost art, too.
Yes, well, as long as kids can steal quarters from their parents' dressers And our school doesn't have an Internet connection, We have a chance at making some money on a paper, So, Stuart, you'll be editor in chief.
Sue, I've wanted to edit a newspaper Since the moment you first started talking about one.
Just remember, the more sensational the story, the better.
Nothing about the school is off limits, E-except the auto shop.
There's no scandal there and certainly not one involving me.
I'm not up to no good at the auto shop.
Ahh! What did you do to my peanut butter? I ate it.
You monster! Also, I might be bleeding to death.
You're not bleeding, except possibly internally.
Unfortunately I can't call an ambulance.
We don't have insurance.
Apparently they dropped us When they saw Willard in the daylight.
And we can't afford a new carrier Until the newspaper starts makin' money.
Come on, Sue.
Print media's losing readers Faster than I'm losing my erection.
What happens till then? Here's the deal.
You keep quiet in here.
I'll keep feeding you.
That's it.
That's my plan.
Look, I may be dead in an hour, But I wasn't born yesterday, And I have all the power here, Because I have the information.
And there's only one way that you can stop me From getting that information out.
Yeah, that's it.
Leave the room.
What have we got here? Is this mush? Change "S.
A.
T.
scores" to "breasts," And you got yourself a page one.
Needs more nouns.
Throw in a photo of a gorilla and caption it "escaped.
" No, wait.
"joan Crawford attends movie premiere.
" And where's that piece about the butt wipers' strike? Wow.
This place is really humming.
Well, it helps that I found these machines That make a news-sounding noise.
Do you know what we need To really make this connect with the kids? Stop parodying a genre they've never heard of.
Horse nuggets.
A gossip column.
And you know who's gonna write it? Us? No, you two.
Keep up with me.
We need to recapture the glory days of this paper When "integrity" was just a word Tattooed on a woman's behind, Stories like this one.
The whoop-de-do kid? Who was that? Some boy who made whoopee with his teacher, Broke a million hearts, sold a million papers.
That's the type of story I want you to do.
Now, get out of here, because I can't Keep talkin' this fast.
I'm runnin' out of air.
Got a little bit left, But I don't wanna waste it on this.
Go! Go! Go! And now I'm running out for real.
Ok, who can we dig up dirt on? Usually the people who appear the most normal Are the ones whose secrets are the dirtiest And most fun to laugh at.
Wow.
And that was without any digging.
And that's why we need To crush the unions.
Oh, hi, Larry.
Stuart, why are you encouraging Helen and Andrew? They're horrible people.
They're getting into other people's business.
I mean, how would they feel if their secrets were exposed? Snoop the snoopers? That'll sell papers.
I'll get right on it.
Now, as assistant principal, I could just walk into my office and pull their files.
That'll teach 'em a lesson.
But as crusading newspaperman Scoop proszakian, I need to break in and steal the files.
But you'd be breaking in to your own office.
Which is how I was able to obtain this.
It's the key.
Eww.
What's that metallic taste? Ok, that was the problem.
Yes, this is much sweeter.
Ahh! The assistant principal! Oh, that's just me in the window.
Heh heh heh.
The assistant principal! Aah! Oh, Sue's crazy.
This chocolate's delicious with a little blood and glass.
Plus, when you chew, it makes more blood.
Isn't that clever? Really clever, But were you able to get the files? Stuart, there's no good dirt here, Just that Andrew was a college republican And Helen was once involved with a statue of the hamburglar.
And they broke up over irreconcilable differences.
But I did come across one juicy tidbit in these files, A secret so horrible, so shocking, So absolutely mind-blowing-- Miracle doesn't have a high school diploma? Larry, I had 6 more adjectives in the chamber.
Stuart, this has to be our secret.
Miracle could get in a lot of trouble.
As her friend, I could not agree more, But as crusading newspaperman scoop proszakian, I went with the hot scoop.
Stu, before you do anything rash-- I had no choice, Larry.
I had to fire Miracle.
It's against the law to teach without a diploma, And I sure can't have the police sniffin' round, so I had to fire Miracle.
Oh, merch! No! This is all my fault.
That blame that darn assistant principal.
He's a real fink.
Miracle, I am so sorry that you got fired.
I feel terrible about this.
Oh, Larry, you're acting like it's the result Of some ill-conceived plot you set in motion.
Oh.
Yeah.
So, you never graduated high school? I guess I've always gotten by on my looks.
Heh.
Look at you.
You are too cute for school.
Ok.
Oh, wait.
Just an expression.
Not that I didn't feel guilty about getting by on my looks.
I did.
Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
I've always gotten by on my looks.
Could you, uh, describe your looks? Well, I'm a summer blonde with a pert nose And big blue eyes like a steamy tropical lagoon.
But he felt guilty about that, too.
Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
Carnally.
What's the boy's name? Actually, it's me.
A woman! Of course, he felt bad, too.
Forgive us, father, for we have sinned.
With a woman! Where is everyone? Keep it down.
It's the bishop.
Shh! Be quite.
My friend the bishop speaks very highly of you.
Welcome aboard.
He actually offered me Sue's job, But I didn't want to seem grabby.
Well, that's ironic.
I'm gonna help you get your job back.
You've been taken advantage of for too long.
I mean, it sounds like these men cost you your education Just so they could make love to you.
Only in the apse.
Oy, the people religious enough to get that Will be very offended.
All Miracle has to do is meet the basic requirements In each of our classes, and she could earn her diploma.
And it's not without precedent.
"billy Madison v.
Board of education.
" Well, I suppose it will save us the trouble Of having to hire a new teacher, Figure out why they're funny, And come up with all-new adventures to involve them in.
Miracle was hard enough.
Remember those early ones? But remember, the law says minimum requirements.
I want you all to pass Miracle as quickly as possible.
No one wants a 2-parter here.
Wow, Sue, that's so sweet of you.
Hey! No students allowed in the teachers lounge.
Out! Get out! Who the hell let her in here? Get the [bleep.]
out! It's so exciting, merch.
My first day of school, And I already have so much in common with all the other girls.
Ok, now, what are you supposed to do When der kommissar's in town? Anyone? It's on page 52 of your falco.
One night in Bangkok.
Close enough.
Excuse me.
Mr.
Legustambos, You're blocking the bowl of fruit we're supposed to be painting.
Oh, sorry.
I was just thinking.
I'll just go sit backwards on this folding chair.
Ehh.
Thanks, Mr.
Hofftard.
Get well soon.
Ok, you'll be happy to know The school newspaper is selling well, And we'll be able to afford insurance very soon.
You should be out of here in a matter of days.
Days?! I haven't had sex in days! Unless you count turning on the windshield wipers, In which case, I've been having sex 6 to 10 times a day! Would it help if I turned on the radio? Anything to relieve this boredom And pressure from these sexually demanding windshield wipers.
You're listening to NPR.
I'm Terry gross, and this is fresh air.
Hmm.
Hey, Sue! Hiding something in there? There's nothing in there but a bunch of broken carburetors.
Oh, Terry.
So gross.
With unfortunate fetisheses.
So, Miracle, how are your other classes going? High school's so easy.
I can't believe more people don't graduate in a day.
So far, I've passed every class except yours.
Well, I'm sorry that you had to go through this, But as soon as you climb the rope, Reach the flag, and pass my class, Everything'll be like it was.
That'll be kind of sad, actually.
I'm really enjoying this time together, coach littlejunk.
You are? Oh, yeah.
I love it when you blow that whistle.
It really shows me who's in charge.
Really? Well You're almost there.
Keep a-goin'.
Mind if I give it a try? Ok, this student needs extra help.
Everyone else, hit the showers.
Let's go.
1, 2.
You, too, tubby.
Uhh! My name's Toby, Toby fattschmuck.
You know that! Sue's hidin' somethin', chief.
It's a secret as big and ugly a Sue herself.
It stinks.
Oh! Also like Sue herself.
Interesting.
Here.
Let me consult the publisher.
We're gonna need something else, Something sexy, like the whoop-de-do kid, But with heart, like the whoop-de-do kid, But most important, with some whoop-de-do, Like the time the gyburned down.
We're on it like torn flesh on peanut butter.
Or any number of authority figures on Miracle.
Yeah, she does tend to have a thing for them.
It's almost like she's only attracted to people who can pass her.
Well, that's not true.
I mean, she's been really getting close to me.
Yeah, until you pass her.
Everybody get that? Even if Helen and Andrew are right, I just need a few more days until she learns to like the real me.
Oh, coach, I found my gym outfit From the sixth grade, and it still fits.
Barely.
Heh.
Except for the shoes.
So I'm wearin' pumps I stole from payless.
I'm not proud of it.
Or I could just go with it.
Larry, the flag is so far away.
This feels like it's getting harder.
I'll never graduated gym.
It's just gonna take a little more time.
You can do it.
Oh.
Now, as an authority figure, I need to tell you that this type of thing Could be construed as really wrong.
Mmm.
Conscrued.
Yeah.
And while I must admit To finding you exceptionally attractive, Miracle, It still feels inappropriate.
Oh, this is very appropriate.
I think we just made page one! And it's a one-page paper.
Why would you print this? There's no story here.
Oh, isn't there? Sorry.
Wrong window.
I'm here at knob haven high school.
Where scandal swirls around p.
E.
Teacher Larry littlejunk, Or as he's been named, the kissy coach.
He joins a crowded Florida landscape Already populated by The grabby gardener, The bare-bottom banker, And the flashing field reporter.
There?! See anything you like? Yeah.
How 'bout that? Ha ha! And how 'bout that? Yeah.
I'm missing the whole "a" story.
Hello.
Ow! It's bitten me! Our life essences merging.
Heart and engine roar in time.
I am become part man, part car.
I am sedanimal! Oh, here he comes now.
Kissy coach, kissy coach, why did you have sex with a student? What is the scandal here? She was a teacher until a few days ago.
She's 8 months older than me.
Your story is basically "man kisses woman.
" Come with me if you want to live.
In a turn of events that can only be called shocking, The kissy coach and his victim have just been abducted But what we are now calling automoman.
Sedanimal! My car! Ennis has escaped! Escaped? Ma'am, did you create sedanimal? Yes.
I brought him into this world, And I'm gonna take him out.
Good lord, Ennis.
What the hell happened? I mean, normally I'd say let's get you to a hospital, But we are being chased by a mob, And am I sitting on teeth? Are you ok? I'm better than ok.
I'm a hybrid.
I believe it's my prime directive To help humans in need, I'm like knight rider, except still on the air.
Just barely.
What's up with you guys? Well, long story short, we kissed and got into a lot of trouble.
As I lose more and more of my humanness And become more and more of a machine, I both envy and am confused by your love.
Then I remember that legs are wheels And I can go 100 miles per hour, and I pity you.
Pull over, you idiot! We don't have any insurance! We don't need insurance where we're going.
Ha ha ha ha ha! That's me laughing.
Ha ha ha! Oh, no.
That's me laughing.
That was just me honking the horn.
Larry, that man in the window Who handed us this food, these "burgers," Is he like me, part man, part house? Does sedanimal finally have friend? Uh, yeah, buddy.
So, where are we headed, Ennis? It's a place I remember from my human days.
Many miles ago, I used to bring women here to mate on, Larry.
You'll be safe here with your woman human.
A word of caution.
When using the shower, you'll want to wear flip-flops Or the shower caps as shoes.
Do not let your bare tire legs touch tub.
It will be a long-term mistake.
What will you do, Ennis? I will stay here and protect you.
But now sedanimal must rest.
Hmm.
I think he's dying.
Nah, only his brain.
Wake up, coach.
Ready to start our new life together? Wow.
This is really happening.
But with the scandal, we'll have to run As far away from knob haven as possible.
I don't care.
We can find a new town for you to be my gym coach in.
Yeah.
I think that might be a problem.
Ah.
Thank God.
Those extra shower caps are here.
Larry, Miracle, I found you.
You've gotta come back to knob haven.
Aww.
He's old and confused.
We can't go back to knob haven! You don't understand.
I've been here before.
Ohh.
He doesn't know where he is.
This is not your home! Your address is probably on a tag in your shirt! It's possible Willard has a point here.
Let him talk.
Until we get bored.
No, listen.
I know what you're going through.
I haven't talked about this in years, But I was the whoop-de-do kid.
You were a kid? It was the year after sex was invented, And her name was pearl.
She was my schoolteacher.
Hot-cha! Look at her caboose.
Boy, I'd like to be a conductor on her train, Especially if it was one of them streamlined diesels, Like the burlington Zephyr.
It's tough bein' a teenage boy Torn between trains and uncontrollable horniness.
She's not an object, slow-talking sal.
She's a woman, And I'm gonna make her mine.
And I did.
After all, I was a virile young lad, And she was one hot tomato.
Which, by the way, was a very popular snack at that time.
Until the media caught wind of our love.
Dateline Florida, Where the sleepy town of knob haven Wakes up to a scandal hotter than the hot tomatoes Filling our nation's depression-ravaged stomachs.
Keep chewing, bambino.
There's more.
Can you say, "oh, you kid"? Local schoolmarm pearl loosebustle certainly did When she was caught making sweet whoop-de-do with one of her charges.
We can't tell you the name of the lad, Because he's Caucasian and he's sure to have a great future, But everyone's calling him the whoop-de-do kid.
As the 2 lovers make a run for it, Whoop-de-do mania sweeps the land, And the whoop-de-do rag is a hit In ballrooms all over the world.
Why, here's Dr.
Sun yat-sen dancing the whoop-de-do While leading his inscrutable nation to freedom.
Pearl and I were gonna start a new life together Under new identities.
We were going to be Mr.
And Mrs.
Eddie vedder.
But alas, the media jackals Hounded us to the ends of the earth.
Children, if you run, You'll never be free.
You can't base your life on a lie.
Let's give him some pudding and put him outside.
Actually, Miracle, if we're gonna be together, There's something we need to do to make th right.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I hate to interrupt this tender moment, But there was a promise of pudding, And I'm a big pudding fan.
Do you remember? Uh, will that be in a bowl Or, like, in a little plastic cup? You kiss great.
I've never made out with a transformer before! Do you wanna fold up and come inside? Take us back to knob haven, Ennis.
Um Sedanimal Plot a course back to origin point.
Appropriate computer sound.
So, how do you guys know sedanimal? Larry, why are we back here? Can't we just live our new life on the run? Once I take care of this, we won't need to be on the run.
We can live our life here.
Are you ready? Perhaps I can be of help.
Make way.
Make way for young lovers.
Eww.
Wiper fluid.
Yes, wiper fluid.
That's what it is.
Honk honk ho! If everyone will please follow me inside the gym, I have something I need to show you all.
Sue.
Ennis.
Who's that bitch? Door ajar.
It's over.
I'm half machine.
You can't kill what's already dead.
hey Ahh Aah! Half man Half tree? Nah, it's not taking.
I mean, I'll-- I'll keep trying, But it's not taking.
Ennis, did you eat in here? As everyone knows, Miracle needed to touch that red flag To pass gym class and graduate high school.
Miracle, please climb the rope as high as you can.
But we both already know I can't reach the red flag.
Please.
Just try.
Wait.
Uh, real quick, You'd still be into me if I wasn't your teacher, right? Larry, I can't think and climb at the same time.
I'm not a monkey.
What's your angle here, littlejunk? Everybody knows the dame can't reach the red flag.
Actually, she can.
You see, 2 days ago, I raised this flag to be higher than it was Just to keep Miracle as my student, But this is where the red flag is supposed to be.
As you can see, Miracle has passed this class 2 days ago.
I just hadn't told her yet.
So she wasn't a student? She was a teacher again? Boo! 2 teachers kissing? You call that a scandal? Weak.
Boring! That's just gross.
Hit the showers, fattschmuck.
Miracle, I'm really sorry.
I just--I didn't want you to get your diploma, Because I really liked the way things were between us.
Do you hate me? I can't hate and be happy at the same time.
I'm not a monkey.
Why are you happy? I graduated Alby myself, Without a man helping me.
So maybe we still have a shot? Eep.
I don't know, Larry.
I just graduated high school.
I've got my whole life in front of me.
Just because I have a diploma now Doesn't mean I'm ready for a deep relationship.
I'm not a monkey.
Just this once, do you think That maybe we could act like monkeys? Mwah.
Ook ook.
Heh.
I know what you're going through.
You wanna reject the power, but you can't.
You were chosen for a reason.
Embrace your destiny.
You are Sue-Danimal.