Sledge Hammer! s01e05 Episode Script

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
'Hammer, ever thought about taking up meditation? 'It might controI your aggressive tendencies.
' What, are you brain dead?! - What was that, Doreau? - Sledge, look, trouble.
Why don't these deadbeats get jobs? How long's he been up there? - Police officer.
What's going on? - That man says he's going to jump.
- I'll get a bullhorn, talk him down.
- I can handle this.
Hammer! Another life saved.
And I still have one bullet left.
Can we stop at my bank? I'll get some cash, then you can buy me breakfast.
'Have a nice day.
' This'll just take a second.
'Transaction cannot be processed at this time due to insufficient funds.
' Listen, sucker, you need some reprogramming.
Hammer, please! Blowing away this machine won't solve anything.
Let's go inside and straighten this out like civiI human beings.
Thank you.
'Ouch!' I'm saying this for the third and last time.
We are foreclosing on your home.
You have three days to pack up and vacate said premises.
What are you? Deaf? Oh, and don't forget your free banking bunny.
Now, remember, three days.
How may I help you? Well, HaI 9000 out there tells me I have insufficient funds in my account.
- It's screwed up.
- I'm sorry, sir.
- Those machines never make mistakes.
- Look, I made a deposit two days ago.
I want my money! All right, sir, I'll check it out.
Your friend's high strung, isn't he? Your name, please.
- Sledge Hammer.
- Sledge Hammer.
Where were you born? A tooI shed? You think that's funny? You can do better than that.
I'm not as easy an audience as the old lady so go ahead, make me laugh or I'll have you in stitches! Hammer, let him go.
Remember what I said - civiI human being.
All right, I do want one of those bank bunnies.
Freeze! This is a hold-up! Put your hands on your head or I'll blow 'em away, then you'll have no place to put your hands! Back up! Back up! Come on! Hey, kid, I thought I told you to put your hands on top of your head.
I can't, mister, I'm holding my piggy bank.
- Mom! - Now you're not holding nothin'! That yoghurt-sucking mutant! I'm gonna close his account.
- Get outta my way! - I'll have that.
My gun was in that purse.
- Move over! - Come on, Cliff, hurry up! I thought I told you not to use first names, Lou! Er sorry.
Hammer, hold off! There are two of them.
You're right.
And I only have one bullet left.
But don't ever touch my hand when I'm going for my gun! Only a very disturbed person would say something like that.
Hey, look, paI, huh? Spending money for Rio! - We gotta do something.
- I know.
My arms are cramping up.
Must be a silent alarm around here somewhere.
Hit the silent alarm.
Hit the silent alarm! Why don't you hit the silent alarm? Because we don't have a silent alarm, sir.
Get outta the way! Cops.
And they're multiplying.
Wow! How'd they get here so fast? There's a doughnut shop around the corner.
All right, brief me on the situation.
Two gunmen are holding about a dozen hostages and I think Inspector Sledge Hammer's inside.
- Why do you say that? - Isn't that his car? That's it, all right.
Oh, those poor people! - The hostages, sir? - No, the robbers.
Here, folks, is the man who set off the alarm.
- A regular hero.
- Oh, I wouldn't call myself a hero.
- That's a word that's bandied about - Shut up.
- You might just say concerned citizen.
- Look, I'm just itching to blow you away.
- I know the feeling.
- So don't push me! Or you'll pay, understand? Now, say yes.
No! Say, "Yes, sir.
" Yes sir.
Dori Doreau, it didn't count.
I had my fingers crossed! How's it coming with that phone line? We're hooked up, sir.
No! I want golden boy to answer it.
He's gonna be my new secretary.
- My shorthand isn't really up to snuff - Just answer the phone! Pick it up.
Hammer, this is Trunk.
Have they hurt anyone? - No.
- Have YOU hurt anyone? Not yet.
I don't want you to endanger any people's lives, you understand me? Put one of the slimy thugs on.
Slimy thug, it's the police.
For you.
- And don't tie it up too long cos - Get over there, wise guy! Yep? What? Listen, this is Captain Trunk.
Come out and give yourselves up.
Let's end this peacefully.
You think we're fools? We step outside, you blow us away! - I saw Dog Day Afternoon.
- 'Listen, that's not gonna happen.
' As a show of good faith, send some of the hostages out.
Great idea I'll send 'em out.
In body bags pig! Here's your coffee sir.
Thanks, sweetheart.
This guy is dead meat! One bullet, two scum-suckers.
Decisions, decisions, huh? Just have to figure out how to do it.
- Do what? - Get 'em to stand in single file.
- Hey, mister, I'm hungry.
- I'm hungry, too.
- Yeah, we're hungry, too! - OK, OK, we'll get some food.
- Everybody like pizza? - Yeah! I am actually on a rather strict macrobiotic diet.
Well, unless it's pepperoni cos in that case I love any kind of Or.
.
er fish.
Pizza would be great.
OK, Greg, you know what to do.
- He's clean.
- All right.
Take those pizzas and put 'em on that desk.
Nice and slow.
We ask for pizza, they send you a guy with a gun! He's a cop! Not necessarily.
Competition between pizza joints is fierce.
Shut the heck up.
Get up! Listen, pig, you tell Trunk we want a plane outta here.
If he doesn't agree in two minutes, I'm killing somebody.
Now, out! Now, I need a volunteer.
We all know who the volunteer is.
Is there any question? I don't think so.
Figures our hero would volunteer to be the first to go! - What did I tell you? - I've been waiting to do this all day.
Come on down! Stop! I'm a police officer.
I should be in that chair, not him.
- Shoot me first.
- Wait a minute, lady, I volunteered.
Huh! Turn around! - Get in the chair! - Here's your chance.
Move! Well, sissy, it looks like this foxy cop just saved your life.
She's more of a man than you are.
Move! Cover him, cover him.
Relax.
Attention in there.
We will meet your demands.
All right! We're all free! We're on our way to Rio! You thought I was a fooI! Boy, if this keeps up, I'm gonna have to take a cold shower! Hey, where do you think you're going, sweet-lips? If there's anything I hate worse than a cop, it's a chick who's a cop.
- What have you got against cops? - My old lady was a cop.
My mother the cop! Know what it feels like to be breast fed by a person in a shoulder holster? So robbing banks is your sad, demented way of getting back at your mother.
Yeah maybe you're right.
I never opened up to anyone before.
Rather ironic that I must shoot you now.
Listen, creep, take my advice.
You got what you want, you're almost outta here.
Don't blow it by doing something stupid.
Yeah maybe you're right.
But don't ever touch my hand when I'm going for my gun.
Secure the bus.
Hurry up.
All right, listen up in there, toads.
Your transportation has arrived.
- I ain't holding hands with another guy.
- Just do it, jerk! All right, come on.
Move out, come on.
Move.
Come on, come on! Move it.
Keep going, keep going.
That's good.
Come on! Out, out! Come on! Come on, move it! Come on.
Don't crowd me.
That's right, move.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
Wait, wait a minute.
- I can't believe it, Captain.
- What? - Hammer's holding hands with a man.
- Very interesting.
Run, kid, run! Get in the bus, get in the bus! See, we're almost home free, Lou, huh? Your sister can have that operation now.
Drive like your life depended on it, baby, because it does.
Do you mind? You're blocking the rear-view.
Get that plane as far away from the terminaI as you possibly can.
Sir, I don't wanna second guess you, but to just give in to them like this.
Mayjoy, they've got a plane, a tank full of fueI, but no one ever said anything about a pilot.
Your buddy mentioned something about your sister needing an operation.
- That's too bad.
- Yeah, it's tough.
She's only 16.
I never really thought her nose was that big.
You take one down, pass it around - 97 bottles of beer - All of you, shut up already! We're here.
Have you noticed there's something important missing from this plane? Those teeny little liquor bottles, the little There's no pilot! Everything's under controI, Chief.
They're not going anywhere.
No pilot, huh? I didn't see a pilot.
Who's flying this plane? 'Good afternoon.
This is your pilot Cliff speaking.
' - That answer your question? - Please, please, help me! I'm scared! Get off! Hit him! - You enjoyed that, didn't you, Doreau? - Get to the cockpit, Hammer! Hi, honey, I'm home.
- Flight's cancelled, maggot.
- Who do you think you are? - Inspector Sledge Hammer.
- YOU'RE with the police department? No, no, no, no! I AM the police department.
- Now, let's take the plane down.
- Down? - Yeah, that's right.
- No problem! Ow! PainfuI, right? Ooh, wow! This is for that little kid's piggy bank! And this is for hitting me! And this is for calling me names! And this is for ordering pizza! And this is for making me hold hands with another guy! - What was that for? - That was gratuitous.
All right, all right, hold your applause till the end.
Sit back and relax.
We should be crashing in about three minutes.
Crashing? Oh, no! What do you mean? Doreau, get outta here.
The cockpit is for men only.
What do you want me to do, serve coffee I'll take mine black.
No sugar.
That makes me jumpy.
Just black.
Ah! Whoa! I'm trying to explain to you.
I've had Hey, that's not that much! - All our fueI's been dumped! - I hate when that happens.
Our only choice now is to make a crash landing.
Tell the others.
- Try and sound positive.
- So what's positive? That not all of us are going to hell? Listen up, people.
I got good news for everybody who bought flight insurance.
Oh oh! Ohhh! Whoooo! Boy, I don't know about your flying but your crashing is great! Pow! That was terrific.
- Let's see if we have any casualties.
- Right.
Stay back or I'll cut you! Ahh! Where are we? You know, it's true.
You are safer in a plane than on a highway.
This freak better be fixed by now.
'Your personaI ID number has been discontinued.
'This card is no longer valid.
' Remember that last bullet? Use it.