SLiDE (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

Oh, ARGGH! Hey! Get back here! Ohh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Arggh! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on! Go, go! Arggh! Shit! Oh-ho! Oh, my God.
Tom the Fireman.
I thought it was what's-his-face.
You know, the politician guy.
You alright, little buddy? Oh, my God, he's gonna puke.
Stop the elevator! Stop the elevator! Hurry! The elevator! Ohh, Ed, don't do it! Go, get out! Ohh! Beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep! Ohh! He's gonna blow again! I'm fine except my shoes.
Hey, Luke.
Catch.
Oh! Oi! That's my best shoe! My best shoe! I'd take the stairs.
My head hurts.
I can't believe I did that.
Barf on your own shoes? No, involve myself in grand larceny.
What? We stole a public artwork.
My body's not made for prison.
It's barely made for high school.
What if he's a serial killer? What if he's a hot serial killer? What about this? How about this? I'm meeting my brother, Scarlett, not attending the VMAs.
Hey, I read this article that sometimes long-lost siblings get supremo hot for each other.
You're kidding - you can read? I'm just saying, this stuff happens.
Yeah, it happens all the time.
Yeah, of course.
Who is he? What did he do? Fought some fires.
Fought all these fires and then he put them out.
You're a goose.
It's true.
He's like Fearless Firefighter Man.
He goes into the burning bush and he puts out these fires with his bare hands.
Hm, no hose? No water? Water's for pussies.
There's your movie title.
Hey, Tam, come here.
What for? I want to tell you something.
What? That's not telling me anything.
Shh.
But aside from that, we don't even know who this poor man is.
Do we care? Come back.
No, I care.
I mean, we liberated him, but I'd like to have an understanding of the person that I'm spending time with.
I don't.
I'd rather just have sex and not find out anything.
Whoo-hoo! 'Brokeback Mountain'.
It's the only pair that fits.
What's next? Kissing boys? Don't.
Don't even start.
Is Eva OK? Maybe I could go in there and help her out.
Sure, if you want her to think you're a complete pervert.
Are perverts hot? Not usually.
So how about you quit staring at the ladies' change room? OK.
Well, I'll see you back there.
Ed totally wants to bone you.
Ed? No, he doesn't.
I totally wanna bone Eva.
Well, yeah.
Is it that obvious? She's a girl.
Is there one you wouldn't jump on? Yes, you are.
You know what I would go for? What? My Dad's GPS.
What?! Not the actual thing, but the woman's voice.
Irish Female Voice Five sends me crazy.
"Proceed straight through intersection "onto Dixon Street.
" Hot.
You're a worry.
Bowled! Yes! Mm! Hey, Tam.
Ed's hot for Eva.
No, I'm not.
What happened to privacy? She's going to meet Max for the first time today.
Eva has a boyfriend? You serious? It's probably not her boyfriend if she's meeting him for the first time.
He's her brother.
And she's never met him? Close family.
Ed, she's adopted! Yeah, right.
That's cool.
That's your way in right there.
You should go with her to meet Max.
Why? 'Cause today's a big day for Eva.
And if you're gonna be the man, you gotta be there for her.
"That's your way in"? You actually said that? Just trying to suggest a little compassion, which may or may not be rewarded.
You know, you're appalling.
Hey, give me money for the drink machine, please.
Here.
Thank you.
I kinda wanna jump on that.
I thought you already had.
Get out.
No shit.
I think she's waiting.
For what? World peace.
The Brisbane Olympics.
How should I know? Maybe she doesn't wanna be another notch under your belt or whatever.
It's insane, it's like, "I wanna make sure "he's not wanting to have sex with me.
"Once I make sure of that, then he can have sex with me.
" Maybe she just wants you to open up a bit.
What? Seriously, I know the Tam.
What does it even mean, "open up"? You know what it means.
She's waiting for you to show her your sensitive side.
Jesus, I'm stuck inside a Jack Johnson song.
While your nuts slowly turn blue.
Ow! Blue nuts! Blue nuts! Come on, come here! Blue nuts! Hey? Can we please go somewhere? There's some place nicer than a car park? Hey, uh, E, I think maybe I should come with you to meet Max.
Why? Uh, because 'Cause we don't know this guy and he could be a weirdo.
So I should take one along with me, make him feel more at home? Well, you haven't met him yet.
You don't even know what he looks like.
I've seen his photo on his profile.
My profile's Donkey Kong.
That doesn't mean anything.
Hey, I don't care.
You can all come along if you want.
Cool, I'm in.
He might be supercute.
Did you ask if he was married? It's just kinda good to know these things up front.
Her? Yep.
I'd smash her.
What about her? - Yeah, maybe.
- With the husband watching? How close is he? Hmm, edge of the bed.
Sure, why not? What about you? You and them in a devil's three-way? A devil's three-way is two guys, not two girls.
How do you know that? Because it's my favourite.
Mmm, what about him? He's alright.
No way.
Oh, you so would, E.
You would ride him like a wild pony Shut up! Girls, it's just a game.
Eva? Max.
Hi, I'm Scarlett.
Nice to meet you.
Hey.
I'm Eva's best friend.
How's the view? I love it here.
Sometimes I come and just hang out, watch the river.
What? I said I come here sometimes and Yeah, yeah, no, I heard what you said.
I just couldn't figure out if you were serious.
Yeah.
That's what I do chill out, think, take in the scenery.
Think about what? Stuff.
You know, life, the universe.
You wanna lie down? Sorry.
What's funny? You.
I wasn't trying to be.
I know.
You were trying to do the whole sensitive guy routine.
No, I wasn't.
Yes, you were.
You were like, "Hey, I'm a thinker.
"How about you touch my penis while I think?" Get off.
Ohh, come on, Lukey.
It's OK.
Oh, don't do the sulky face.
I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
See? Hey, let me see.
That's a nice photo, don't you think? Chuck it here.
Wait Give me a look at that! No.
Come on, give me a look.
You know, I didn't actually plan on bringing reinforcements.
They kind of insisted.
It's OK.
They're just looking out for you.
They're good friends.
Yeah, I guess.
I'm just glad you said yes to meeting up.
Couldn't really say no, could I? Absolutely you could.
I would have understood.
It took me ages to make up my mind to email you.
I hope you're not disappointed.
Of course not.
Why would I be? You, uh, look a lot like Mum, a younger version, funkier clothes.
Right.
Yee-ha! Might head back that way.
Yeah, OK, before Ed has a meltdown.
Yeah.
He's your boyfriend? Ed? No.
No, no, I Yo, siblings, we're gonna get some coffee.
You want? Uh, yeah.
Green tea with honey.
Max? Green tea for me as well, with honey.
Serious? Spooky.
'X-Files' straight out.
Actually, I'll have a short black.
Just messing with your head.
I come flying out of the museum with a guard on my arse.
I almost hit this old lady.
I'm, like, flying.
Hang on.
So you were in the museum on a bike? Why is that? Dylan dared me to.
Who? My brother.
Dylan.
What's he like? I dunno.
He's alright.
He's Dylan.
Do you hang out? No, he's kind of boring.
But you live together? Yeah, but he works a lot, so How old were you? When your parents I was 12 when they died.
Sorry, I don't mean to be nosy.
Yes, you do.
Heaps good, mate.
Max is hot but weird.
Kind of like Eva.
They could be related.
Maybe we should get them some cookies.
Maybe you should try harder with the Eva thing.
Hey, it's called being a friend.
It's called being desperate! You can talk.
Why don't you get Luke a hot chocolate? Maybe you can pour it on yourself first.
Shh.
The theft occurred in the early hours of the morning when police say the statue was taken from here.
Oh.
Oh, no.
The statue, as shown here, was to be on display for several weeks.
Police have called the theft a brazen act and have vowed to catch the thieves.
Oh my God.
Shit.
I know! Her hair is tragic.
OK, OK, now pull the tarp over.
Tarp? Where's the tarp? Beside you.
Oh, tarp.
OK, right.
There's people coming this way.
Where the hell's Luke? Somewhere inside Tammy.
Eww, nice.
Tammy won't.
She's she's innocent.
Oh, my God, excuse me while I puke.
Not that there's anything wrong with not being innocent.
What the hell are you talking about? And here they are.
Oh, my God, I really am gonna puke.
Can you stop saying that word? Yo! What's the deal? Where's the big brother? I bailed on him.
We have a problem.
Tom the Fireman has a fan club.
It was on the telly, the news.
We could get arrested.
We need to get rid of him asap.
- Get rid of him where? - Somewhere no-one's watching.
Can't we just take him back? Wow, she really is innocent.
What? I gotta go.
I gotta get this car back.
OK, so you can take the statue.
No way.
I'm not taking it.
I can't take it on the scooter.
Could take it to mine if you want a hotel full of witnesses.
Yeah, my mum's home.
And Phillipa patrols the street, like, 24/7.
Yeah, and my mum's weird about firemen.
She thinks they're hot.
That is so not weird.
How about if we all came back to yours? No way.
We'll help you unload.
Mmm, what she said.
No! No-one's going back to my place.
OK, just wait here.
Yes, sir.
Oh, ohh! Shit.
Can you can you just give me a minute? Can you just relax? It's only me.
Ed, no-one is watching.
You don't know that.
You saw the news.
Yeah, that reporter's hair was wrong.
If anyone should be arrested Can we just concentrate? Are they gonna keep us here all day while they do their no-fucky thing? Probably not all day.
So would you go Tom the Fireman? Yeah, a man in uniform.
Whoo! Does that apply to school uniform? Very rarely.
OK, we'll take it round the back.
Were you hiding the kiddie porn? Be careful.
It's like entering the Batman cave.
Holy H20! You've got a pool! Oh! Yeah, calm down.
What's with all the secrecy? I dunno.
I just don't have people to my house.
Oh, I would.
I would have parties endlessly.
I have dozens of randoms waltzing through my place all the time! Yeah, but not through your room.
That's only one or two randoms every night.
Oh, ha-ha-ha.
You want us to hang around out here? No, screw that.
I'm coming inside.
- I really need to pee.
- Actually, so do I.
Sorry.
OK, whatever.
I might go and make some toast or something.
Toast? Where's the booze? Yay! Come on, Batman.
Loosen up! Hey? Yay! Don't.
God, I'm totally busting.
Up the stairs and to the right.
Anything exciting? Oh, I wasn't looking.
Sure.
I think the handcuffs are in the third drawer down.
Where's the little girl's room? It's just down there.
Cheers.
Icehouse before they were even Icehouse.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.
I'll put it back.
It's my mum's vinyl.
She loved her music.
She was obsessed.
She always had a record on.
Me too.
I mean, CDs.
My mum's the same.
You don't listen to these? Some of them are great.
Everyone's out by the pool.
I'll come out.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
Just sort of Ow! Watch it.
Oh, fuck.
Ed got the fear.
Your next-door neighbour, they can see through the fence.
It's not staying here.
No way.
Why not? He looks pretty cool.
Because my brother will be home! So? He might like him.
What about through there? Oh, Jesus! Phew! I think it's tequila time.
- Yeah, tequila! - Whoo! Party! Tequila time! Arggh! Oi! Cheers, cheers, cheers! Cheers! Hey.
Hey yourself.
Ed? Hey.
Just hanging out.
Oh, my God, Ed.
Fuck off.
What?! I went to Spain once.
That doesn't make me Spanish.
You know what I mean? No.
We are not anything at all.
I didn't even say anything.
You're thinking it.
I can hear you.
Eva, I'm just being a friend.
Honest.
Good-o.
Leave it there.
Cleansing now.
Hey, Edmundo.
You know our pact? What about it? You'd tell me if you weren't still qualified, wouldn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
Why? I'd just want to know.
That's all.
If I became unqualified, I promise I'd tell you.
Are you thinking about it? Maybe.
I dunno.
Feel free to spare me the details.
You're the best friend.
Oh, careful! Oh, fuck! Ow, my head.
Ooh-hoo! Hi.
Look at me! Whoo Hi there.
I'm Scarlett.
Let me start again.
Luke! Care Ohh! Shit, shit! Oh, my God.
What is going on? Tammy, this is my brother, Dylan.
Hi.
It's nice to meet you.
Get out of my house.
Get the fuck out of my house! I cannot believe you stole it.
Hey, we were just mucking around.
Shut up, arsehole.
No-one's talking to you.
It's true.
We were just having some fun.
You don't get it, do you? Tom actually means something.
We didn't realise.
It's kind of the point.
What? I mean, if you're going to steal anything, go a monument.
Scar, don't.
You know nothing about it, do you? Putting your life on the line for someone you don't even know? Well, no, not if I can help it.
You think it's funny? Kind of.
Scar, can you shut up? What?! What's the big deal? You're a fireman.
Is she fucking retarded? Dylan, look, we're gonna clean this place up.
Shut the fuck up.
Calm down, will ya? Just calm down.
Just just go take a walk or something.
Holy shit.
Yep.
That's my brother.
He was kind of hot.
Dylan? If you like psychopaths.
I like them if they have arms like that.
And a chest.
Do you think maybe you should not wear the clothes? It's their mum's.
Why are they keeping them? They must be hoping someone will wear them.
They've kept a lot of stuff.
I know.
- It's like a shrine in there.
- Scarlett! Eva! Tell Mummy.
It's Max.
"R U OK?" So are you gonna call him? I would have liked a brother when I was five.
But now? Now you have Ed.
We should probably take the statue back.
How? Hitler's taken the ute.
I don't think so.
No, it's just there.
That's weird.
OK, we're taking Tom back.
You realise the cops are looking for it? Yeah, relax.
We're taking it back.
Don't tell me to relax in front of your smart-arse friends.
What? How'd you even get the statue here anyway? Uh, we, um, borrowed your car.
My car? D, I'm gonna fix it No shit you're gonna fix it.
And you're gonna take it back.
Can you not? Go back to work or something.
So you can have fun with your little drug buddies? Drug buddies? Why? Is somebody holding out on me? Look, Dylan No, shut up, bitch.
Don't.
Don't do this.
You fucking arsehole! What the fuck are you doing? Dylan! Ohh! Stop! Break it up! - Whoa, break it up! - You little bastard! Break it up! Get off him! Fuck you and your statue! Dylan! Dylan, I need the ute or I can't take the statue back! Hey, are you OK? Don't.
Just just go home, all of you.
I brought you some ice.
It's OK.
I don't need it.
Luke.
Don't be a knob.
Are you happy now? You got to see the whole movie.
It was a bit Tarantino for me, a bit 'Kill Bill'.
And that was before Dylan arrived.
I'm sorry I broke your nose.
I love it.
Mr Cool has a family more screwy than mine.
Who knew? Does the whole 'Fight Club' thing do it for you? Maybe.
You know, I've studied karate.
Not in formal classes, but I've watched a lot of Asian cinema.
OK, we need a car to take Tom back.
Hey, what about one of your Dad's cars? Sure, after you filled the last one with vomit.
I can get us a car, no problem.
Stick with me.
God help us.
How good would it be to wear a burqa? By choice? You'd never have to worry about what to wear or waxing.
Right.
Maybe you should convert.
I'd spend a shitload on mascara.
I thought it was a burglar.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Nothing.
Why are you dressed like that? Well, your mum and I were talking about Fireman Tom.
You know, some bastard stole his statue.
- But why the outfit? - Pete! Come on, baby.
Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! It's a tribute thing.
I'm gonna go.
Hey, have you seen my GPS? It's gone missing from the car.
No idea.
Oh, my God.
It's just a statue, people! I know.
It's not like we stole the real person.
No, that would be kidnapping.
Focus! How are we gonna get him back out there? What if we just throw him out on the footpath and gun it? Sure, nobody'll see us! Maybe it doesn't matter so much where we put him.
Dylan won't mind, will he? Yes, he will.
You're in a 'No standing' zone, buddy.
OK, I'll move.
No, wait.
You got a licence? Yeah, of course.
Thanks.
What you got in the back, mate? Huh? In the back.
Um It's a statue of Keith Urban.
Of Keith Urban? Yeah, we made it ourselves.
We thought if you didn't get Tom back then you might like Keith.
We're working on Nicole as well.
Well, you'd have to talk to the council.
Yes, yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna do that.
Well, you better had.
Wait.
Give me a look.
What? Show me the statue.
It's actually all, um, wrapped up.
So unwrap him.
Suburban cowboy.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, it looks a bit like him, I guess.
Go on.
Off you go.
Holy, holy shit! - Sergeant Trippy! - Wow.
We have to get rid of this idiot statue.
Why can't we just dump it? Because Dylan will kill us all.
Yeah, slowly, with a knife.
No, he won't.
He'll just give me intense grief, forever.
Why? I was the one who wanted to steal it and maybe just to say FU to Dylan.
It's actually FY.
Sorry.
I have spelling issues.
The thing is Dylan's gonna give me grief anyway, no matter what I do.
It's what he does.
Well, we could take Tom somewhere near the square, like around the corner.
What's the use of that? Someone will find it eventually and drag it back into place.
It's the city.
We'd still have to hide him.
How? I know how.
Jasmine.
Hi.
Uh, didn't know you were home.
What are you doing? Laundry detail.
That looks fun.
Ed, what are you doing? I need a favour.
What's in it for me? How'd you get that? I believe it's called charm.
Bullshit.
- My arm's hurting.
- No, it's not.
These are so comfy.
I'm telling you, if I wasn't a fake Scientologist - This is so wrong.
- I'm loving it! I feel like I'm one of the Imperial Guards from 'Star Wars'.
Ed, that's sacrilege.
How? 'Star Wars' is awesome.
Don't answer that! I have to! Hello.
Hey.
OK, just keep going.
Nearly there.
Everyone is staring at us.
Yeah, it's because you look different.
Yeah, I always look different.
Hey, security guard, 2 o'clock.
- Fuck him.
Let's do it.
- Oh! OK.
Oh-ho-ho! Uh, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! I can't do what you want me to do.
Not at the pace you want me to do it, anyway.
I thought you might say that.
Look, I'm not rushing you.
You're texting me and calling me and it's all a bit much if you Mum's here.
What? Mum's here.
In Brisbane.
In fact, she's two blocks away from where we are right now.
That's why I've been hassling you.
I was going to tell you this morning, but your friends were there and then you rushed off.
I guess the question is do you want to come with me and meet Mum? Why do I have to do it? 'Cause I did it last time.
Shouldn't Luke and Tammy do it? They're not answering their phones.
Jasmine! Jasmine! OK, your mum's out the front.
I've got to run.
You have lovely eyes.
Thanks.
Sorted? Yep.
She had a message for you.
Tomorrow, 9 o'clock.
Want to tell me what's going on? Nope.
I should probably go.
You really should.
Come on.
Hey.
Eva.
Hey, E.
What's happening? Not a lot.
Tell me about it.
We're on the road to nowhere and Ed's driving.
I couldn't do it.
I hate families.
I'm sorry.
I'll be normal in a minute.
That's going on my tombstone.
Tom the Fireman has been found.
Our treasured firefighter statue was returned with one noticeable addition.
His identity remains Nice touch.
But as you can hear, one thing that's abundantly clear is just how much this city loves its fabulous firefighters.
- Ooh, no! - Yeah! Nasty! Whoa! Nice going.