Slings and Arrows s01e05 Episode Script
A Mirror up to Nature
Geoffrey: Anna is bleaching her teeth.
And they are getting a little whiter everyday, So we're all very excited.
Uh, what else? Oh.
Frank and cyril say hello, And they have baked you something But I can't pronounce it.
No may, I don't want to give you another heart attack.
All right, the play.
Well Ellen is being ellen.
Oh and claire is absolutely horrible.
But jack I don't know.
I mean, ultimately this is jack crew's hamlet, And I'm not just saying that to make excuses, But I I don't know who he is.
I don't know what his "thing" is.
I don't know what he's gonna bring to the role, So I can't see the hamlet, so I can't see the play.
That's the problem.
(barely audible) richard.
What's that dear? Richard.
Richard.
And Geoffrey: Oh! Oh, I didn't know you were there.
Yeah, I have bored her rigid, apparently.
She wants to speak to you.
She's doing well.
May, I'm off to bother that hugely breasted nurse For another vase.
May I am sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
But honestly, Holly means well.
à cheer up, hamlet ô à chin up, hamlet ô à buck up, you melancholy dane ô à so your uncle is a cad ô Ãâ who murdered dad and married mum ô Ãâ that's really no excuse to be as glum as you've become ô à so wise up, hamlet ô à rise up, hamlet ô à perk up and sing a new refrain ô à your incessant monologizing ô à fills the castle with ennui ô à your antic disposition is embarrassing to see ô à and by the way, you sulky brat, ô à the answer is: To be ô à you're driving poor ophelia insane ô à so shut up! You rogue and peasant ô à grow up! It's most unpleasant ô à cheer up! You melancholy dane! à (cheers and applause) Jack: (grunts and groans) Maria: Polonius falls and dies.
Ellen: O me, what has't though done? I don't know.
Who was it? The king? Ellen: O what a rash and bloody deed is this! Yeah right.
Almost as bad as killing a king And marrying his brother, right? Frank: Why is he allowed to do that? It's the method, isn't it, duckie? He's making it his own.
That's how they do it in america.
Oh.
Oh you idiot.
You stupid idiot.
I thought you were the king.
Oh well, no great loss, eh? How much longer are you going to let him Shred the text like that? Well at least he's making an effort.
Ellen is barely in the room.
She'll claim she has nothing to work with.
He's giving her plenty to work with.
Unfortunately, none of it was written By william shakespeare.
What have I done, that thou darest Wag thy tongue in noise so rude against me? What have you done? What have you done?! What have you done?! Fuck me! Oh my god.
Tick, tick, tick, geoffrey.
Well can't you do something? Can't you, you know, cast a spell.
Make it all better.
A spell? I'm not a witch.
Then what good are you? I'm a shoulder to cry on.
A quip here and there.
No, honestly.
Why are you haunting me like this? I mean, do you have some kind of purpose? Is there some sort of, you know, Mystical task or something that you're supposed to perform Before they let you move on? Because I tell you, I'll help you, my friend.
I would very much like to help expedite that process! I'm sorry, geoffrey, I don't know why I'm here.
There was no pamphlet in the coffin.
Anyway, let he who is without sin What?! What is your purpose here, exactly? Maria: Would you like to take a break, geoffrey? Yeah.
15 minutes, please.
15 minutes, everyone.
It's not my fault.
He's giving me nothing.
Sorry.
(trills lips) Claire: Hey What's with him, anyway? Maybe he doesn't like it when people do that to his cage.
Not him.
Him.
Why doesn't he just say the lines? I guess it's just part of his process.
Well Didn't it ever come up? I mean when you guys were dating? I don't want to talk about it.
Fine.
Hi.
Hi.
Claire's a bitch.
Yeah.
She's a terrible actress too, In case you haven't noticed.
Yeah.
Why don't you say the lines Ever? I can't say the lines until it feels right.
Well if you want to run lines, I mean, I'm available.
No, I know the lines, I just, I don't own them yet, you know what I mean? When I'm improvising, those are my words, So it feels right.
Oh okay, yeah, no, I've heard of that.
Yeah, it's a method thing I picked up When I worked with howard.
Howard? Ron howard.
(laughs) Yeah, I know, opie, right? Ha, ha.
(laughs) But the guy's been around actors Since he was like, three.
He knows his stuff.
Sorry.
I would like to run lines with you, though, If it's "okay".
"okay"? You know, you wanted to take it easy Well we're just gonna run lines right? I mean, we're not going to have sex.
To be perfectly honest I want to do both.
Well running lines is okay, um Tomorrow night? Your place? Great.
I'll pick up some cheesies on the way home.
Ooh cheesies, classy.
Hey, if we were going to have sex I might spring for nachos.
(laughs) Maria: We're back.
Richard: I saw may this morning.
Holly: Ugh! She's a pain in my ass.
Board won't act on anything.
Lying flat on her back she's still fuckin' me over.
That all you're going to have? I'm not really hungry.
Holly: You should order a steak or something.
Come on, you need protein.
You're pale and spindly.
Mmm The model's almost finished.
It looks so good - Little trees and everything! What model? For the mock up of the town, for the pitch to the board.
I didn't know we were having a model made.
Holly: Visual aides are everything, sweetheart.
Trust me, I'm queen of the pitch.
I can sell books to the blind.
Blind people read books - braille books.
I meant books with words, smart ass.
You think I look spindly? Did you ask geoffrey for a season yet? Richard: I'm waiting 'til tomorrow morning.
I'm leaving it as late as possible.
Oh, good boy.
You just look a little thin, is all.
I like a little meat on my man.
(cat meow) Are you coming over tonight? Yeah, just for a quick one.
I got pilates in the morning.
Oliver: It's not very good, is it? It's all stairs.
Well I was thinking "levels".
Hamlet would meet the ghost on a higher plane, as it were, And then deliver the soliloquies here and here.
My heart really wasn't in it, geoffrey.
What do you think of jack? Oliver: Well, he's very good looking.
If I were younger, mmm- Younger than dead, you mean? Well, I won't use darren's design, needless to say, And as for yours, I just don't know.
No, don't touch it.
Well there's no money in the budget for a third design.
Well just cut it.
Cut it completely.
What? Do it on a bare stage? Why not? In rehearsal clothes.
Been done before.
1964.
Gielgud and burton.
Now that just proves it was a good idea.
Come on.
It would be honest.
It would be brutally honest.
(laughing) you're one to talk about honesty.
I am, actually.
Death virtually eliminates the need for pretense.
There's no one to impress.
Well I'm all for honesty, oliver, Especially in the theatre.
But the problem is whether you have an empty space Or one that's all cluttered up with stairs, In the end, the audience is still just watching A group of actors and actresses Pretending to be queens and kings.
Well, with an attitude like that, Why do it at all? Because "drama is that willing suspension of disbelief For the moment, Which constitutes poetic faith.
" Poetic faith It's a beautiful idea.
Of course the whole thing falls apart If one of the actors isn't very good at pretending.
(singing) ô and will not come again? à à no, no.
He is dead.
à à go to thy deathbed- ô Stop! For god's sake, stop.
What? Where is this coming from? This staggering about with your mouth open.
(laughs) oh you're being sarcastic again with me.
Please don't be sarcastic.
No actually, I'm not, but sorry.
Ophelia's mad.
Right.
I'm playing madness.
Right, and how does staggering about with your mouth open Suggest madness? I'm not mad.
Right.
And I never have been so I have to simulate it.
Right.
I'm using sense memory.
I'm remembering what it was like being stoned And I'm using that.
I'm disoriented, my head is spinning I think that's what it's probably like When you're insane.
Right, well, it's not.
Trust me.
That's what it's like when you're stoned.
Oh forgive me, I mean no disrespect, But I don't have your experience with insanity.
Right.
Because I can't take any, meaning from the text.
Ophelia's just singing nonsense songs.
Right.
Claire.
(chuckles) Claire, claire, claire with the hair.
Ophelia is a child.
She has been dominated by powerful men all of her life And suddenly they all disappear.
Her brother goes to France, Her father is murdered by her boyfriend And he is shipped off to England.
She is alone for the first time, Grieving and heartbroken, and guilty, Because, as far as she's concerned, It's all her fault.
She ignored her brother's advice And fell in love with hamlet And now her father is dead all because of her.
And the pain, and the loss, And the shame, and the guilt - All of this is gnawing away inside this little child's mind And it comes out as little songs.
"and will he not come again? And will he not come again? No, no, he is dead.
My father is dead, and I killed him.
Okay? Now, let's try it again, Without the vietnam flashback.
Excuse me, geoffrey? Uh maria, can you take them through it again.
Maria: From the top of the scene, please.
I enjoyed that.
Oh, I'm glad.
But you're wasting your breath.
She'll never change.
The sole virtue of the ineffectual is consistency.
Well, I don't know what the hell to do with her.
If you've got any bright ideas, feel free.
Geoffrey: Richard, I'm in the middle of rehearsals.
It's about next season.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Sent you a memo last week.
Give me the gist of it.
We need to present next year's season to the board In order to qualify for our funding deadlines.
I sent you a memo last week.
Well, I didn't see it, Or I did and ignored it.
You looking for something in particular? No.
I just, I need a laugh.
Well in future, please read my memos.
Richard, my design is a nightmare.
My ophelia is worse than a nightmare, And I have no budget.
You have a budget deficit.
(laughs) Why do you need a season now? Well it's just bureaucratic garbage, You know, canada council funding, that sort of thing.
Anything on paper would- Oh christ! All right, look, I'll give you one.
Here.
What do you need, nine plays? "electra", "pericles", "mother courage", "don carlos", it's very good part for ellen.
"tempest", "murder in the cathedral" How many is that? One, two, three, four, five, six.
What else? How about, uh Oh "troilus and cressida", You haven't done that in a long time.
And then maybe a commission, judith thompson? A brand new canadian play.
Do we dare? Sounds great.
Geoffrey: Good and then we will have for dessert, "blithe spirit".
There, a season.
Um, I'm sorry, what's after the two greeks? Geoffrey: Mother courage.
And incidentally, pericles was written by shakespeare.
Right.
Geoffrey: Oh well, look at this little fella.
Pull his string and he says, "what? Must I hold a candle to my shames?" Sorry to bother you, geoffrey.
Oh no, no, no, richard.
Claire: Here's a daisy.
I would give you some violets, But they would all like my father die.
No! I do not understand.
This place absolutely reeks of money.
Yes, but it's all been designated.
There must be something you can use from darren's design? I seem to recall $17,000 worth of pyrotechnics.
It is hamlet, it's not "tommy"! But honest to god, I'll the well has run dry.
Ey, The well has run- Claire: (screams) Oh god help me! Maria: Claire fell off the stage.
Claire: I'm all right.
I'm all right, it's just a bruise.
(agonized scream) Geoffrey: What happened? Maria: She was startled by a lizard.
He ran up my fuckin' leg.
Did someone open the cage door? Oh god knows where it is now.
I'll call 911.
That won't be necessary.
What? Well he's a chameleon.
No, for Right, of course.
Sorry.
A death, a duel, a broken leg - Perhaps the production is cursed.
Fuck.
Jack & kate: (sexual groans) Oh, motherfuck! (gasp in pleasure) Oh.
(gasp for air) Man! I owe you some nachos.
(laughs) This was stupid.
No, stupid is good.
Don't knock stupid.
Fucking claire.
Oh my god, forget about her.
She's probably in a hospital room right now Trying to tear her cast off.
No, no, you think it's broken? I don't know.
I hope so.
You hope so because why exactly? Because she's terrible and I hate her And you'd have to take her place.
(laughs) no.
No, it doesn't work like that.
They'd just bring somebody in.
Oh my god, I would freak right out if they called me.
I would freak out! I freaked when they called me.
I've wanted to be ophelia ever since I saw ellen play her.
I was twelve.
Really? Yeah.
I used to dance around the house With flowers in my hair, singing.
My mom sent me to a therapist.
You saw hamlet when you were twelve? Mmm hmm, and I read it when I was ten.
Man.
Until I was fourteen, I wouldn't read anything Unless it was about someone becoming radioactive.
(laughs) Oh, I can just picture you, Chubby little boy reading comic books under the sheets.
Star wars sheets.
Get out.
I had wookies on my pillow.
Get out! Oh, you were such a loser.
(moans with desire) I don't know if I can.
Use the force, luke.
(telephone rings) Jack: (makes wookie sounds) Hello? Oh hi, maria.
No, it's okay.
Uh Really? Yeah, well, it looked pretty bad.
Um Yeah, she's here, actually.
Sure.
Hello? Richard: Well, if you want my honest opinion, It's an interesting season, From a purely academic point of view - "mother courage", "pericles".
I doubt that very many of our subscribers even know That william shakespeare wrote "pericles".
All: (chuckle) I don't mean to sound elitist, but anyway Once again I find myself Apologizing for geoffrey tennant.
Uh, but this time I do think his heart's In the right place.
His mind, however, is still in the world Of not-for-profit theatre.
All: (laugh) I did, I must admit, anticipate this eventuality, And I've spent the last few weeks compiling a season That I think is more consistent With this board's vision of the festival.
Holly, would you mind passing out those packages, please? I think you'll agree that it's an exciting season.
As you know, oliver's mantra For the last few years was accessibility.
And I think he would have been thrilled To see three musicals included in one season.
So why don't we take a look and when we get back, We'll talk about it in more detail.
Thank you.
I think that went well.
Oh you were so great.
Wait 'til they see the revenue projectionsh? They're gonna shit themselves.
There's still the may factor to deal with.
I don't think she's gonna be a problem.
No, no, you have to tell them that I will be meeting with may To get her feedback on the season Before we submit our grant proposal.
Yeah, but what if somebody finds out That you didn't actually go and meet her? No, I will be.
Really? Yeah, you know, keep her in the loop.
Richard, I am not a complete witch.
You know, I can't help but feel A little responsible for her condition.
And let's face it, she's not long for this world.
Mmm.
So I'd better patch things up before she slips away.
(laughs) It's not like I broke her leg myself.
I don't know what you're so upset about.
It was that lizard! She is in the hospital.
Better there than on the stage.
Oh I'm trying to help, geoffrey.
I'm trying to find my place in all this.
And if that means making manifest your secret desires Then so be it.
My secret desires? You imagined strangling her yourself a thousand times.
Oh, so you can read my mind now, Is that what you're telling me? Don't be ridiculous.
I know you.
You would never have fired her.
You would have spent days with her, Trying to squeeze out something resembling A decent performance, When every other aspect of the production Would have suffered.
I did you a favour.
Oliver, I don't want your favours anymore, all right? I do not want to come in tomorrow morning And find jack buried under a pile of flats! No.
Jack is your hamlet.
I would never touch him.
You see something in jack, don't you? Something no one else sees.
You have vision.
I used to have vision, remember? It left with my hair.
Geoffrey; (laughs) Oliver: Why don't you have a little sleep? "care keeps his watch in every old man's eye, And where care lodges, sleep will never lie.
But where unbruised youth with unstuff'd brain Doth couch his limbs, there golden sleep doth reign.
" Geoffrey; I'm hardly an unbruised youth.
Oliver: Shh.
Shh.
(applause and cheers) (explosion of flames) (terrified gasps) (knocking at the door) Hi.
You're here early.
I bought some bran muffins.
They're day olds, but they're still good.
Do you want one? Bran? No, thank you.
Uh, but I would like a coffee.
Black.
Sure.
Cream and sugar? Yeah.
Black.
Geoffrey: Lord, we know what we are, but know not what we might be.
Who said that? Ophelia.
Welcome kate.
(applause) Geoffrey: All right, let's get started.
Frank? Knock knock? Who's there? Geoffrey: Excellent.
First line of the play.
The world's longest knock, knock joke.
Who's there, indeed.
Who are these people? Who is hamlet and ophelia? Well the answer is: Whoever is playing them.
Now I want this production to be about us.
So we're going to modify the design.
You might say uh Throw it out.
I want everyone to have a look through This rack of costume pieces, And find something that you need.
Don't worry about period.
Shakespeare didn't care about anachronisms, So neither should we.
Just find something that says Prince, Or daughter, Or in cyril's case, Queen.
(mock laugh) And maria I would very much like to move the rehearsal Al fresco for today because it is a beautiful day.
All right.
Go! No set? No, some chairs maybe.
Oh jesus christ, geoffrey.
No set? No hamlet? It's going to be quite a show.
Thanks ellen.
Thanks for caring.
(knocking at door) Oh hey.
How much? This? 20 bucks.
20 bucks? Okay.
Sloan: Sorry, babe.
Took forever.
Ellen: I'll be in in a minute, sweetheart.
Richard.
Ellen, hey.
I'm sorry, I should have called first.
He's over 18.
Yeah.
What can I do for you? I just dropped by to see how things are going.
Well, the sex is incredible.
(chuckles) I meant the rehearsals.
I know, darling.
They're going as well as can be expected.
The new ophelia is a blessing.
Good, good.
And what about geoffrey? What about him? You know what I'm talking about.
Is he ranting and frothing at the mouth? A bit.
He's unstable.
We know that's been established.
You're defending him.
That's surprising.
He's my director, like it or not.
He cut the design.
Yes.
And the costumes.
Basically, yes.
(sighs) you know what I'm talking about ellen.
People pay money to see these productions.
They expect to see actors in costumes, a set.
You know, especially in this case.
It's our flagship production.
What do you want, richard? Okay, look, I just want you to know we can postpone.
Cancel even, if necessary.
We've done it before, you know, If it looks as though the production Is not going to be suitable.
Suitable? What do you mean, suitable? Not up to our usual standards.
Ellen, don't get defensive.
I'm here to protect you.
And I just want you to know you can come and see me If you think this hamlet is degrading into Into what? Amateurism.
Sloan: Come on, babe.
The 'za's getting cold.
I have to go.
The 'za's getting cold.
Nay, but you live in he rank sweat of an en seamed Stewed in corruption, and And you screw in that bed.
Ellen: Are you done? O, speak to me no more, These words, like daggers, enter in mine ears.
Oliver: What is she doing? She's up to something.
Uncle claudius is a murderer and a villain Oliver: She's testing you.
She wants a confrontation.
Geoffrey: Stop it! You want us to stop? No.
Yeah.
Ellen, you're not here, you're not in the room.
Sorry.
Geoffrey: Polonius is lying dead on the floor.
Your son is accusing you of having murdered- I know the story.
Geoffrey: Okay, well then Please join us.
Ellen: Fine.
Maria: Gertrude - o, speak to me no- O, speak to me no more.
These words, like daggers, Enter in mine ears.
No more, sweet hamlet! Jack: Uncle claudius is a murderer and a villain.
Oliver: Look at her.
She's baiting you.
You'd better deal with this, old boy, Before the situation festers.
Will you please shut up! I'm sorry, man, I'm all Are you in any condition to do this? I mean, really? Are you? Because your lunatic babblings are very distracting.
Ellen, you are not participating in the process.
It is very frustrating- Ellen: I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
Geoffrey: I cannot direct you if you refuse to act.
But how do I act in a play that doesn't exist? I believe the play's been around for about 400 years- Ellen: Yes, but I can't see it.
We have no set.
And I can't hear it.
Oh, I know the play well enough, But I'm not hearing any of the text.
I mean, what are we doing here, geoffrey? Are we putting on hamlet? Do we even have a hamlet? I'm sorry, jack.
I'm sorry.
But we open in nine days, for the love of god, And I am terrified.
We all are! We are absolutely terrified! Geoffrey: Ellen, when you start coming to rehearsals on time, And when you stop sending maria out for cookie and coffee runs, And when you stop interrupting scene work So you can dash out for a quick fag, And when you start showing your fellow actors Just the tiniest bit of respect, Then I will be thrilled to listen to you, But until such time, You will please resist the urge Of speaking for the group! Fuck! Maria Maria: Five minutes, everyone.
(sighs) Is this not a good time? What! Richard: It's about the budget.
It's been a battle, I don't mind telling you, But uh, we've come up with a compromise.
What! We don't have to talk about this now.
Richard I don't want to kill you, But I will if you do not get to the point.
Fine.
We're going to cannibalize the preview period, And re-book the theatre for a series of corporate events.
No previews? (disbelieving chuckle) Yeah.
Just one dress rehearsal and then we open? Are you insane? You saw what happened in there.
You expect me to go back in there And tell these people That they just lost seven preview performances? I knew this was a bad time.
All right.
Let's see if he can do it.
Please.
Geoffrey: Maria.
Maria: Are we back, geoffrey? Geoffrey: Jack.
Three, one.
Maria: Act three, scene one.
Claudius and polonius- Geoffrey: No.
Just jack.
We're going to run the soliloquy.
Okay.
This one scares you, yeah? Yeah, it scares the shit out of me.
Why? I mean, you know it.
Yeah, of course I know it.
Everybody knows it.
That's the problem.
Why? Because when I say "to be or not to be", The audience will be hearing every, every great actor Who ever spoke those words.
They'll hear olivier and burton or you.
Well more likely mel gibson, but When I say those lines They won't be "in" the play anymore.
They'll just watching some guy acting.
Yeah.
Me, specifically.
And this is a problem? Yeah, that's a fucking problem.
Because you'd just be a guy acting and hamlet isn't? No.
Well, yeah he is, kind of in a way.
So hamlet is just acting? Is that what you're saying? Well, yeah, I mean, You know, he acts like he's crazy, That "antic disposition".
But then, no not really All right, you have got to be specific.
In this scene, act three, scene one, Does hamlet know that claudius and polonius are spying on him? You have to know.
Don't know.
If hamlet is aware of their presence, And when you speak these particularly famous words, You're performing for the guy who killed your father, And for a meddling old fool, Both of whom are hidden in this room.
Now if you don't know they're here, Then your audience is you, And those people in the seats.
But you have to decide.
Now? Right now.
Right now.
And you keep the decision to yourself if you want to, But you have to decide.
Claudius and polonius, please.
Jesus.
Jack, listen to me.
There are a lot of people here Who don't think you can pull this thing off.
I think they're wrong, But you have to do it.
And you have to do it right now, And you have to do it with the text.
So let's go.
Do what you do.
Act.
To be, or not to be, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing, end them? To die, to sleep No more.
And by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache And the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
To die, to sleep, To sleep, perchance to dream.
Ay, there's the rub.
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.
There's the respect that makes calamity Of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, The law's delay, the insolence of office And the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns.
Puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of.
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pith and moment with this regard Their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action.
But soft you now! The fair ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons be all my sins remember'd.
(happy laugh) that was great.
(applause and cheers) Man: Well done.
Thank you.
We lost all our previews.
What?! (applause continues) P.
A.
Announcer: Would edward stevens please report to the front desk.
Edward stevens.
(overlapping chatter) Geoffrey: Hello everybody, here we go.
Well, we only have one dress rehearsal, Which is not great but it's okay, Because as the saying goes, a bad dress means All: A good opening.
Geoffrey: Exactly, so we are protected, aren't we? We're protected to a certain extent, By a cliche.
No, I'm sorry.
This is actually going to be a nightmare.
It is going to have that sickly, sickly feeling Of playing to an empty house except for a couple of ushers And maybe a sympathetic lizard.
But there's no avoiding it, so Just find your light, say your lines, And if you can't find your light, Shout your lines from the shadows.
Get through it as best you can.
We'll try and fix what needs fixing tomorrow.
It is going to be frightening.
Have a good show.
Oh, you know, there is one uh, One encouraging thing that I can say And it's I just happen to believe that this play Is the single greatest achievement in western art.
We got that much going for us.
Motivational speaker: I am the center of my universe.
All things revolve around me.
My power is beyond measure.
I am god.
Please turn tape.
Ellen: He should know better than that.
What are we at? Nahum: Just approaching the half hour.
Ellen: Oh jesus christ! Nahum: Well, I did try to explain, but he was very persistent.
Ellen: Oh well, that can be an attractive quality Given the right circumstance.
Don't be mad.
I will leave you now? Ellen: Yes, you will.
Please.
I- I have to get ready.
I know.
I just wanted to say, you know, Good luck with the opening.
It's not the opening dear, it's the dress.
The what? Ellen: I explained this to you before.
Look, those are for me, right? Yeah, um, The guy said they're yellow roses.
They're beautiful.
Thank you.
I have to get ready.
Sorry.
And I got you a present.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Thank you.
Open it.
I can't.
I have to get ready.
I'll open it later.
No, I want to see your face when you open it.
Honey! I have to get ready! I'm very tense.
Really.
You have no idea what's involved.
Sloan: Okay, I'll just tell you.
It's a game boy.
I don't know what that is, dear.
Um, it's a game boy.
So you can play between scenes or whatever, you know? Thank you so much.
That's so sweet.
I have to go now 'cause I'm going to cry.
Don't worry.
You'll be great.
I know it.
Thank you, sweetie.
Oh, oh careful.
Go away.
Sorry.
Maria: Half hour.
This is your half hour call.
Ellen: Shit! Shit! Stagehand: Have a good show, geoff.
Kate: Oh, oh, um I was looking for maria, but I'll just ask you.
Uh, act 4, scene 5.
Um, so full of artless jealousy is guilt, It spills itself in fearing to be spilt - enter up left? Right.
I mean yes.
Okay, um And by gis and Thank you, uh, to the mark by the riser?R And good night, sweet ladies, good night, good night Exit up centre? That's it! You're gonna be great.
Okay, thank you.
(laughs) Jack's bucket? Nahum: Yes.
It's good.
It will relax him.
Geoffrey: It's kinda nasty for you, though.
Nahum: Ah, if I were bothered by vomit, I would not work in the theatre.
Geoff: (chucles) no.
(knocks on door) Ellen: Oh, god! Send him away! I just wanted to say break a leg.
Too late for that now.
You too, geoff.
Maria: This is your five minute call.
Five minutes from top of the show.
Hey, sorry again, man.
Oh.
Just wanted to say have a good show.
Oh, hey, thanks, man.
Sorry, I'm pretty freaked right now, To tell you the truth.
Oh I'm sure you are, jack.
I know things have been kind of, kind of crazy, But I just wanted to say, you know, don't worry.
Nobody expects you to become a classical actor.
You're a movie star, and that's the truth of it.
And it's like geoffrey says, right? You'll sell us out no matter what, so So just go out there and have fun, you know? (nervous sigh) house lights out.
Go.
(sound of curtain drawn back, blinds raised) Hello, dear.
How we feeling today? Good.
Listen, um, I know that in your present condition You will be unable to attend the upcoming board meeting, And I know how badly you want to be kept in the loop, So I thought I'd um, drop by and do my presentation for you.
Ready? Ta da! Presenting shakespeareville.
Let me introduce you to a dream.
It's a dream of a theatrical wonderland Where middle income families can come and enjoy The world of theatre in a non-threatening atmosphere Of accessibility and comfort.
It's a dream of theme hotels, And fudge shops with clerks in costumes, And high-quality big budget, theatrical productions.
Three stages running touring productions Of broadway's hottest hits twice daily, An expanded and modernized mainstage facility Devoted exclusively to musicals, And two smaller stages for those who like the classics.
This is a dream of a new burbage transformed.
We can make this dream a reality.
We must.
We owe it to the visionaries who came before us - To oliver welles, And to our own dear, sweet may silverstone.
This is what she would have wanted.
Let this be her legacy.
And then I switch to power point.
Any comments? (desperate gasps) (heart monitor beeps rapidly) What's that? (helpless gasp) Maria: Good dress, everyone.
Tomorrow, as you know, is opening night.
Full cast and crew 10:00 tomorrow morning.
That's 10:00 a.
M.
For notes and a partial run through.
There'll be a lot to cover, So thank you in advance for your patience.
(heart monitor flat lines) Man: That was fantastic man! Hey, congratulations! Hey, we got through it! Jack: (slams out door) motherfuck! (panting) Jack?!
And they are getting a little whiter everyday, So we're all very excited.
Uh, what else? Oh.
Frank and cyril say hello, And they have baked you something But I can't pronounce it.
No may, I don't want to give you another heart attack.
All right, the play.
Well Ellen is being ellen.
Oh and claire is absolutely horrible.
But jack I don't know.
I mean, ultimately this is jack crew's hamlet, And I'm not just saying that to make excuses, But I I don't know who he is.
I don't know what his "thing" is.
I don't know what he's gonna bring to the role, So I can't see the hamlet, so I can't see the play.
That's the problem.
(barely audible) richard.
What's that dear? Richard.
Richard.
And Geoffrey: Oh! Oh, I didn't know you were there.
Yeah, I have bored her rigid, apparently.
She wants to speak to you.
She's doing well.
May, I'm off to bother that hugely breasted nurse For another vase.
May I am sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
But honestly, Holly means well.
à cheer up, hamlet ô à chin up, hamlet ô à buck up, you melancholy dane ô à so your uncle is a cad ô Ãâ who murdered dad and married mum ô Ãâ that's really no excuse to be as glum as you've become ô à so wise up, hamlet ô à rise up, hamlet ô à perk up and sing a new refrain ô à your incessant monologizing ô à fills the castle with ennui ô à your antic disposition is embarrassing to see ô à and by the way, you sulky brat, ô à the answer is: To be ô à you're driving poor ophelia insane ô à so shut up! You rogue and peasant ô à grow up! It's most unpleasant ô à cheer up! You melancholy dane! à (cheers and applause) Jack: (grunts and groans) Maria: Polonius falls and dies.
Ellen: O me, what has't though done? I don't know.
Who was it? The king? Ellen: O what a rash and bloody deed is this! Yeah right.
Almost as bad as killing a king And marrying his brother, right? Frank: Why is he allowed to do that? It's the method, isn't it, duckie? He's making it his own.
That's how they do it in america.
Oh.
Oh you idiot.
You stupid idiot.
I thought you were the king.
Oh well, no great loss, eh? How much longer are you going to let him Shred the text like that? Well at least he's making an effort.
Ellen is barely in the room.
She'll claim she has nothing to work with.
He's giving her plenty to work with.
Unfortunately, none of it was written By william shakespeare.
What have I done, that thou darest Wag thy tongue in noise so rude against me? What have you done? What have you done?! What have you done?! Fuck me! Oh my god.
Tick, tick, tick, geoffrey.
Well can't you do something? Can't you, you know, cast a spell.
Make it all better.
A spell? I'm not a witch.
Then what good are you? I'm a shoulder to cry on.
A quip here and there.
No, honestly.
Why are you haunting me like this? I mean, do you have some kind of purpose? Is there some sort of, you know, Mystical task or something that you're supposed to perform Before they let you move on? Because I tell you, I'll help you, my friend.
I would very much like to help expedite that process! I'm sorry, geoffrey, I don't know why I'm here.
There was no pamphlet in the coffin.
Anyway, let he who is without sin What?! What is your purpose here, exactly? Maria: Would you like to take a break, geoffrey? Yeah.
15 minutes, please.
15 minutes, everyone.
It's not my fault.
He's giving me nothing.
Sorry.
(trills lips) Claire: Hey What's with him, anyway? Maybe he doesn't like it when people do that to his cage.
Not him.
Him.
Why doesn't he just say the lines? I guess it's just part of his process.
Well Didn't it ever come up? I mean when you guys were dating? I don't want to talk about it.
Fine.
Hi.
Hi.
Claire's a bitch.
Yeah.
She's a terrible actress too, In case you haven't noticed.
Yeah.
Why don't you say the lines Ever? I can't say the lines until it feels right.
Well if you want to run lines, I mean, I'm available.
No, I know the lines, I just, I don't own them yet, you know what I mean? When I'm improvising, those are my words, So it feels right.
Oh okay, yeah, no, I've heard of that.
Yeah, it's a method thing I picked up When I worked with howard.
Howard? Ron howard.
(laughs) Yeah, I know, opie, right? Ha, ha.
(laughs) But the guy's been around actors Since he was like, three.
He knows his stuff.
Sorry.
I would like to run lines with you, though, If it's "okay".
"okay"? You know, you wanted to take it easy Well we're just gonna run lines right? I mean, we're not going to have sex.
To be perfectly honest I want to do both.
Well running lines is okay, um Tomorrow night? Your place? Great.
I'll pick up some cheesies on the way home.
Ooh cheesies, classy.
Hey, if we were going to have sex I might spring for nachos.
(laughs) Maria: We're back.
Richard: I saw may this morning.
Holly: Ugh! She's a pain in my ass.
Board won't act on anything.
Lying flat on her back she's still fuckin' me over.
That all you're going to have? I'm not really hungry.
Holly: You should order a steak or something.
Come on, you need protein.
You're pale and spindly.
Mmm The model's almost finished.
It looks so good - Little trees and everything! What model? For the mock up of the town, for the pitch to the board.
I didn't know we were having a model made.
Holly: Visual aides are everything, sweetheart.
Trust me, I'm queen of the pitch.
I can sell books to the blind.
Blind people read books - braille books.
I meant books with words, smart ass.
You think I look spindly? Did you ask geoffrey for a season yet? Richard: I'm waiting 'til tomorrow morning.
I'm leaving it as late as possible.
Oh, good boy.
You just look a little thin, is all.
I like a little meat on my man.
(cat meow) Are you coming over tonight? Yeah, just for a quick one.
I got pilates in the morning.
Oliver: It's not very good, is it? It's all stairs.
Well I was thinking "levels".
Hamlet would meet the ghost on a higher plane, as it were, And then deliver the soliloquies here and here.
My heart really wasn't in it, geoffrey.
What do you think of jack? Oliver: Well, he's very good looking.
If I were younger, mmm- Younger than dead, you mean? Well, I won't use darren's design, needless to say, And as for yours, I just don't know.
No, don't touch it.
Well there's no money in the budget for a third design.
Well just cut it.
Cut it completely.
What? Do it on a bare stage? Why not? In rehearsal clothes.
Been done before.
1964.
Gielgud and burton.
Now that just proves it was a good idea.
Come on.
It would be honest.
It would be brutally honest.
(laughing) you're one to talk about honesty.
I am, actually.
Death virtually eliminates the need for pretense.
There's no one to impress.
Well I'm all for honesty, oliver, Especially in the theatre.
But the problem is whether you have an empty space Or one that's all cluttered up with stairs, In the end, the audience is still just watching A group of actors and actresses Pretending to be queens and kings.
Well, with an attitude like that, Why do it at all? Because "drama is that willing suspension of disbelief For the moment, Which constitutes poetic faith.
" Poetic faith It's a beautiful idea.
Of course the whole thing falls apart If one of the actors isn't very good at pretending.
(singing) ô and will not come again? à à no, no.
He is dead.
à à go to thy deathbed- ô Stop! For god's sake, stop.
What? Where is this coming from? This staggering about with your mouth open.
(laughs) oh you're being sarcastic again with me.
Please don't be sarcastic.
No actually, I'm not, but sorry.
Ophelia's mad.
Right.
I'm playing madness.
Right, and how does staggering about with your mouth open Suggest madness? I'm not mad.
Right.
And I never have been so I have to simulate it.
Right.
I'm using sense memory.
I'm remembering what it was like being stoned And I'm using that.
I'm disoriented, my head is spinning I think that's what it's probably like When you're insane.
Right, well, it's not.
Trust me.
That's what it's like when you're stoned.
Oh forgive me, I mean no disrespect, But I don't have your experience with insanity.
Right.
Because I can't take any, meaning from the text.
Ophelia's just singing nonsense songs.
Right.
Claire.
(chuckles) Claire, claire, claire with the hair.
Ophelia is a child.
She has been dominated by powerful men all of her life And suddenly they all disappear.
Her brother goes to France, Her father is murdered by her boyfriend And he is shipped off to England.
She is alone for the first time, Grieving and heartbroken, and guilty, Because, as far as she's concerned, It's all her fault.
She ignored her brother's advice And fell in love with hamlet And now her father is dead all because of her.
And the pain, and the loss, And the shame, and the guilt - All of this is gnawing away inside this little child's mind And it comes out as little songs.
"and will he not come again? And will he not come again? No, no, he is dead.
My father is dead, and I killed him.
Okay? Now, let's try it again, Without the vietnam flashback.
Excuse me, geoffrey? Uh maria, can you take them through it again.
Maria: From the top of the scene, please.
I enjoyed that.
Oh, I'm glad.
But you're wasting your breath.
She'll never change.
The sole virtue of the ineffectual is consistency.
Well, I don't know what the hell to do with her.
If you've got any bright ideas, feel free.
Geoffrey: Richard, I'm in the middle of rehearsals.
It's about next season.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Sent you a memo last week.
Give me the gist of it.
We need to present next year's season to the board In order to qualify for our funding deadlines.
I sent you a memo last week.
Well, I didn't see it, Or I did and ignored it.
You looking for something in particular? No.
I just, I need a laugh.
Well in future, please read my memos.
Richard, my design is a nightmare.
My ophelia is worse than a nightmare, And I have no budget.
You have a budget deficit.
(laughs) Why do you need a season now? Well it's just bureaucratic garbage, You know, canada council funding, that sort of thing.
Anything on paper would- Oh christ! All right, look, I'll give you one.
Here.
What do you need, nine plays? "electra", "pericles", "mother courage", "don carlos", it's very good part for ellen.
"tempest", "murder in the cathedral" How many is that? One, two, three, four, five, six.
What else? How about, uh Oh "troilus and cressida", You haven't done that in a long time.
And then maybe a commission, judith thompson? A brand new canadian play.
Do we dare? Sounds great.
Geoffrey: Good and then we will have for dessert, "blithe spirit".
There, a season.
Um, I'm sorry, what's after the two greeks? Geoffrey: Mother courage.
And incidentally, pericles was written by shakespeare.
Right.
Geoffrey: Oh well, look at this little fella.
Pull his string and he says, "what? Must I hold a candle to my shames?" Sorry to bother you, geoffrey.
Oh no, no, no, richard.
Claire: Here's a daisy.
I would give you some violets, But they would all like my father die.
No! I do not understand.
This place absolutely reeks of money.
Yes, but it's all been designated.
There must be something you can use from darren's design? I seem to recall $17,000 worth of pyrotechnics.
It is hamlet, it's not "tommy"! But honest to god, I'll the well has run dry.
Ey, The well has run- Claire: (screams) Oh god help me! Maria: Claire fell off the stage.
Claire: I'm all right.
I'm all right, it's just a bruise.
(agonized scream) Geoffrey: What happened? Maria: She was startled by a lizard.
He ran up my fuckin' leg.
Did someone open the cage door? Oh god knows where it is now.
I'll call 911.
That won't be necessary.
What? Well he's a chameleon.
No, for Right, of course.
Sorry.
A death, a duel, a broken leg - Perhaps the production is cursed.
Fuck.
Jack & kate: (sexual groans) Oh, motherfuck! (gasp in pleasure) Oh.
(gasp for air) Man! I owe you some nachos.
(laughs) This was stupid.
No, stupid is good.
Don't knock stupid.
Fucking claire.
Oh my god, forget about her.
She's probably in a hospital room right now Trying to tear her cast off.
No, no, you think it's broken? I don't know.
I hope so.
You hope so because why exactly? Because she's terrible and I hate her And you'd have to take her place.
(laughs) no.
No, it doesn't work like that.
They'd just bring somebody in.
Oh my god, I would freak right out if they called me.
I would freak out! I freaked when they called me.
I've wanted to be ophelia ever since I saw ellen play her.
I was twelve.
Really? Yeah.
I used to dance around the house With flowers in my hair, singing.
My mom sent me to a therapist.
You saw hamlet when you were twelve? Mmm hmm, and I read it when I was ten.
Man.
Until I was fourteen, I wouldn't read anything Unless it was about someone becoming radioactive.
(laughs) Oh, I can just picture you, Chubby little boy reading comic books under the sheets.
Star wars sheets.
Get out.
I had wookies on my pillow.
Get out! Oh, you were such a loser.
(moans with desire) I don't know if I can.
Use the force, luke.
(telephone rings) Jack: (makes wookie sounds) Hello? Oh hi, maria.
No, it's okay.
Uh Really? Yeah, well, it looked pretty bad.
Um Yeah, she's here, actually.
Sure.
Hello? Richard: Well, if you want my honest opinion, It's an interesting season, From a purely academic point of view - "mother courage", "pericles".
I doubt that very many of our subscribers even know That william shakespeare wrote "pericles".
All: (chuckle) I don't mean to sound elitist, but anyway Once again I find myself Apologizing for geoffrey tennant.
Uh, but this time I do think his heart's In the right place.
His mind, however, is still in the world Of not-for-profit theatre.
All: (laugh) I did, I must admit, anticipate this eventuality, And I've spent the last few weeks compiling a season That I think is more consistent With this board's vision of the festival.
Holly, would you mind passing out those packages, please? I think you'll agree that it's an exciting season.
As you know, oliver's mantra For the last few years was accessibility.
And I think he would have been thrilled To see three musicals included in one season.
So why don't we take a look and when we get back, We'll talk about it in more detail.
Thank you.
I think that went well.
Oh you were so great.
Wait 'til they see the revenue projectionsh? They're gonna shit themselves.
There's still the may factor to deal with.
I don't think she's gonna be a problem.
No, no, you have to tell them that I will be meeting with may To get her feedback on the season Before we submit our grant proposal.
Yeah, but what if somebody finds out That you didn't actually go and meet her? No, I will be.
Really? Yeah, you know, keep her in the loop.
Richard, I am not a complete witch.
You know, I can't help but feel A little responsible for her condition.
And let's face it, she's not long for this world.
Mmm.
So I'd better patch things up before she slips away.
(laughs) It's not like I broke her leg myself.
I don't know what you're so upset about.
It was that lizard! She is in the hospital.
Better there than on the stage.
Oh I'm trying to help, geoffrey.
I'm trying to find my place in all this.
And if that means making manifest your secret desires Then so be it.
My secret desires? You imagined strangling her yourself a thousand times.
Oh, so you can read my mind now, Is that what you're telling me? Don't be ridiculous.
I know you.
You would never have fired her.
You would have spent days with her, Trying to squeeze out something resembling A decent performance, When every other aspect of the production Would have suffered.
I did you a favour.
Oliver, I don't want your favours anymore, all right? I do not want to come in tomorrow morning And find jack buried under a pile of flats! No.
Jack is your hamlet.
I would never touch him.
You see something in jack, don't you? Something no one else sees.
You have vision.
I used to have vision, remember? It left with my hair.
Geoffrey; (laughs) Oliver: Why don't you have a little sleep? "care keeps his watch in every old man's eye, And where care lodges, sleep will never lie.
But where unbruised youth with unstuff'd brain Doth couch his limbs, there golden sleep doth reign.
" Geoffrey; I'm hardly an unbruised youth.
Oliver: Shh.
Shh.
(applause and cheers) (explosion of flames) (terrified gasps) (knocking at the door) Hi.
You're here early.
I bought some bran muffins.
They're day olds, but they're still good.
Do you want one? Bran? No, thank you.
Uh, but I would like a coffee.
Black.
Sure.
Cream and sugar? Yeah.
Black.
Geoffrey: Lord, we know what we are, but know not what we might be.
Who said that? Ophelia.
Welcome kate.
(applause) Geoffrey: All right, let's get started.
Frank? Knock knock? Who's there? Geoffrey: Excellent.
First line of the play.
The world's longest knock, knock joke.
Who's there, indeed.
Who are these people? Who is hamlet and ophelia? Well the answer is: Whoever is playing them.
Now I want this production to be about us.
So we're going to modify the design.
You might say uh Throw it out.
I want everyone to have a look through This rack of costume pieces, And find something that you need.
Don't worry about period.
Shakespeare didn't care about anachronisms, So neither should we.
Just find something that says Prince, Or daughter, Or in cyril's case, Queen.
(mock laugh) And maria I would very much like to move the rehearsal Al fresco for today because it is a beautiful day.
All right.
Go! No set? No, some chairs maybe.
Oh jesus christ, geoffrey.
No set? No hamlet? It's going to be quite a show.
Thanks ellen.
Thanks for caring.
(knocking at door) Oh hey.
How much? This? 20 bucks.
20 bucks? Okay.
Sloan: Sorry, babe.
Took forever.
Ellen: I'll be in in a minute, sweetheart.
Richard.
Ellen, hey.
I'm sorry, I should have called first.
He's over 18.
Yeah.
What can I do for you? I just dropped by to see how things are going.
Well, the sex is incredible.
(chuckles) I meant the rehearsals.
I know, darling.
They're going as well as can be expected.
The new ophelia is a blessing.
Good, good.
And what about geoffrey? What about him? You know what I'm talking about.
Is he ranting and frothing at the mouth? A bit.
He's unstable.
We know that's been established.
You're defending him.
That's surprising.
He's my director, like it or not.
He cut the design.
Yes.
And the costumes.
Basically, yes.
(sighs) you know what I'm talking about ellen.
People pay money to see these productions.
They expect to see actors in costumes, a set.
You know, especially in this case.
It's our flagship production.
What do you want, richard? Okay, look, I just want you to know we can postpone.
Cancel even, if necessary.
We've done it before, you know, If it looks as though the production Is not going to be suitable.
Suitable? What do you mean, suitable? Not up to our usual standards.
Ellen, don't get defensive.
I'm here to protect you.
And I just want you to know you can come and see me If you think this hamlet is degrading into Into what? Amateurism.
Sloan: Come on, babe.
The 'za's getting cold.
I have to go.
The 'za's getting cold.
Nay, but you live in he rank sweat of an en seamed Stewed in corruption, and And you screw in that bed.
Ellen: Are you done? O, speak to me no more, These words, like daggers, enter in mine ears.
Oliver: What is she doing? She's up to something.
Uncle claudius is a murderer and a villain Oliver: She's testing you.
She wants a confrontation.
Geoffrey: Stop it! You want us to stop? No.
Yeah.
Ellen, you're not here, you're not in the room.
Sorry.
Geoffrey: Polonius is lying dead on the floor.
Your son is accusing you of having murdered- I know the story.
Geoffrey: Okay, well then Please join us.
Ellen: Fine.
Maria: Gertrude - o, speak to me no- O, speak to me no more.
These words, like daggers, Enter in mine ears.
No more, sweet hamlet! Jack: Uncle claudius is a murderer and a villain.
Oliver: Look at her.
She's baiting you.
You'd better deal with this, old boy, Before the situation festers.
Will you please shut up! I'm sorry, man, I'm all Are you in any condition to do this? I mean, really? Are you? Because your lunatic babblings are very distracting.
Ellen, you are not participating in the process.
It is very frustrating- Ellen: I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
Geoffrey: I cannot direct you if you refuse to act.
But how do I act in a play that doesn't exist? I believe the play's been around for about 400 years- Ellen: Yes, but I can't see it.
We have no set.
And I can't hear it.
Oh, I know the play well enough, But I'm not hearing any of the text.
I mean, what are we doing here, geoffrey? Are we putting on hamlet? Do we even have a hamlet? I'm sorry, jack.
I'm sorry.
But we open in nine days, for the love of god, And I am terrified.
We all are! We are absolutely terrified! Geoffrey: Ellen, when you start coming to rehearsals on time, And when you stop sending maria out for cookie and coffee runs, And when you stop interrupting scene work So you can dash out for a quick fag, And when you start showing your fellow actors Just the tiniest bit of respect, Then I will be thrilled to listen to you, But until such time, You will please resist the urge Of speaking for the group! Fuck! Maria Maria: Five minutes, everyone.
(sighs) Is this not a good time? What! Richard: It's about the budget.
It's been a battle, I don't mind telling you, But uh, we've come up with a compromise.
What! We don't have to talk about this now.
Richard I don't want to kill you, But I will if you do not get to the point.
Fine.
We're going to cannibalize the preview period, And re-book the theatre for a series of corporate events.
No previews? (disbelieving chuckle) Yeah.
Just one dress rehearsal and then we open? Are you insane? You saw what happened in there.
You expect me to go back in there And tell these people That they just lost seven preview performances? I knew this was a bad time.
All right.
Let's see if he can do it.
Please.
Geoffrey: Maria.
Maria: Are we back, geoffrey? Geoffrey: Jack.
Three, one.
Maria: Act three, scene one.
Claudius and polonius- Geoffrey: No.
Just jack.
We're going to run the soliloquy.
Okay.
This one scares you, yeah? Yeah, it scares the shit out of me.
Why? I mean, you know it.
Yeah, of course I know it.
Everybody knows it.
That's the problem.
Why? Because when I say "to be or not to be", The audience will be hearing every, every great actor Who ever spoke those words.
They'll hear olivier and burton or you.
Well more likely mel gibson, but When I say those lines They won't be "in" the play anymore.
They'll just watching some guy acting.
Yeah.
Me, specifically.
And this is a problem? Yeah, that's a fucking problem.
Because you'd just be a guy acting and hamlet isn't? No.
Well, yeah he is, kind of in a way.
So hamlet is just acting? Is that what you're saying? Well, yeah, I mean, You know, he acts like he's crazy, That "antic disposition".
But then, no not really All right, you have got to be specific.
In this scene, act three, scene one, Does hamlet know that claudius and polonius are spying on him? You have to know.
Don't know.
If hamlet is aware of their presence, And when you speak these particularly famous words, You're performing for the guy who killed your father, And for a meddling old fool, Both of whom are hidden in this room.
Now if you don't know they're here, Then your audience is you, And those people in the seats.
But you have to decide.
Now? Right now.
Right now.
And you keep the decision to yourself if you want to, But you have to decide.
Claudius and polonius, please.
Jesus.
Jack, listen to me.
There are a lot of people here Who don't think you can pull this thing off.
I think they're wrong, But you have to do it.
And you have to do it right now, And you have to do it with the text.
So let's go.
Do what you do.
Act.
To be, or not to be, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing, end them? To die, to sleep No more.
And by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache And the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
To die, to sleep, To sleep, perchance to dream.
Ay, there's the rub.
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.
There's the respect that makes calamity Of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, The law's delay, the insolence of office And the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns.
Puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of.
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pith and moment with this regard Their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action.
But soft you now! The fair ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons be all my sins remember'd.
(happy laugh) that was great.
(applause and cheers) Man: Well done.
Thank you.
We lost all our previews.
What?! (applause continues) P.
A.
Announcer: Would edward stevens please report to the front desk.
Edward stevens.
(overlapping chatter) Geoffrey: Hello everybody, here we go.
Well, we only have one dress rehearsal, Which is not great but it's okay, Because as the saying goes, a bad dress means All: A good opening.
Geoffrey: Exactly, so we are protected, aren't we? We're protected to a certain extent, By a cliche.
No, I'm sorry.
This is actually going to be a nightmare.
It is going to have that sickly, sickly feeling Of playing to an empty house except for a couple of ushers And maybe a sympathetic lizard.
But there's no avoiding it, so Just find your light, say your lines, And if you can't find your light, Shout your lines from the shadows.
Get through it as best you can.
We'll try and fix what needs fixing tomorrow.
It is going to be frightening.
Have a good show.
Oh, you know, there is one uh, One encouraging thing that I can say And it's I just happen to believe that this play Is the single greatest achievement in western art.
We got that much going for us.
Motivational speaker: I am the center of my universe.
All things revolve around me.
My power is beyond measure.
I am god.
Please turn tape.
Ellen: He should know better than that.
What are we at? Nahum: Just approaching the half hour.
Ellen: Oh jesus christ! Nahum: Well, I did try to explain, but he was very persistent.
Ellen: Oh well, that can be an attractive quality Given the right circumstance.
Don't be mad.
I will leave you now? Ellen: Yes, you will.
Please.
I- I have to get ready.
I know.
I just wanted to say, you know, Good luck with the opening.
It's not the opening dear, it's the dress.
The what? Ellen: I explained this to you before.
Look, those are for me, right? Yeah, um, The guy said they're yellow roses.
They're beautiful.
Thank you.
I have to get ready.
Sorry.
And I got you a present.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Thank you.
Open it.
I can't.
I have to get ready.
I'll open it later.
No, I want to see your face when you open it.
Honey! I have to get ready! I'm very tense.
Really.
You have no idea what's involved.
Sloan: Okay, I'll just tell you.
It's a game boy.
I don't know what that is, dear.
Um, it's a game boy.
So you can play between scenes or whatever, you know? Thank you so much.
That's so sweet.
I have to go now 'cause I'm going to cry.
Don't worry.
You'll be great.
I know it.
Thank you, sweetie.
Oh, oh careful.
Go away.
Sorry.
Maria: Half hour.
This is your half hour call.
Ellen: Shit! Shit! Stagehand: Have a good show, geoff.
Kate: Oh, oh, um I was looking for maria, but I'll just ask you.
Uh, act 4, scene 5.
Um, so full of artless jealousy is guilt, It spills itself in fearing to be spilt - enter up left? Right.
I mean yes.
Okay, um And by gis and Thank you, uh, to the mark by the riser?R And good night, sweet ladies, good night, good night Exit up centre? That's it! You're gonna be great.
Okay, thank you.
(laughs) Jack's bucket? Nahum: Yes.
It's good.
It will relax him.
Geoffrey: It's kinda nasty for you, though.
Nahum: Ah, if I were bothered by vomit, I would not work in the theatre.
Geoff: (chucles) no.
(knocks on door) Ellen: Oh, god! Send him away! I just wanted to say break a leg.
Too late for that now.
You too, geoff.
Maria: This is your five minute call.
Five minutes from top of the show.
Hey, sorry again, man.
Oh.
Just wanted to say have a good show.
Oh, hey, thanks, man.
Sorry, I'm pretty freaked right now, To tell you the truth.
Oh I'm sure you are, jack.
I know things have been kind of, kind of crazy, But I just wanted to say, you know, don't worry.
Nobody expects you to become a classical actor.
You're a movie star, and that's the truth of it.
And it's like geoffrey says, right? You'll sell us out no matter what, so So just go out there and have fun, you know? (nervous sigh) house lights out.
Go.
(sound of curtain drawn back, blinds raised) Hello, dear.
How we feeling today? Good.
Listen, um, I know that in your present condition You will be unable to attend the upcoming board meeting, And I know how badly you want to be kept in the loop, So I thought I'd um, drop by and do my presentation for you.
Ready? Ta da! Presenting shakespeareville.
Let me introduce you to a dream.
It's a dream of a theatrical wonderland Where middle income families can come and enjoy The world of theatre in a non-threatening atmosphere Of accessibility and comfort.
It's a dream of theme hotels, And fudge shops with clerks in costumes, And high-quality big budget, theatrical productions.
Three stages running touring productions Of broadway's hottest hits twice daily, An expanded and modernized mainstage facility Devoted exclusively to musicals, And two smaller stages for those who like the classics.
This is a dream of a new burbage transformed.
We can make this dream a reality.
We must.
We owe it to the visionaries who came before us - To oliver welles, And to our own dear, sweet may silverstone.
This is what she would have wanted.
Let this be her legacy.
And then I switch to power point.
Any comments? (desperate gasps) (heart monitor beeps rapidly) What's that? (helpless gasp) Maria: Good dress, everyone.
Tomorrow, as you know, is opening night.
Full cast and crew 10:00 tomorrow morning.
That's 10:00 a.
M.
For notes and a partial run through.
There'll be a lot to cover, So thank you in advance for your patience.
(heart monitor flat lines) Man: That was fantastic man! Hey, congratulations! Hey, we got through it! Jack: (slams out door) motherfuck! (panting) Jack?!